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genderfluidmollymauks · 6 years

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highlights from last nights session

a continuation from this campaign

the dm, before even fucking starting: i would like one of you to roll a d20 me: i’ll do it. just a straight d20? dm: yah me: i got a nat one the entire party: *laughing* dm: i- ok, so there was a mechanic involved that you had to roll literally anything but that.

also, since i rolled the first nat 1, i have to make the highlights reel. buckle up.

the bard woke up first, and tried to make breakfast. rolled a 3 to make breakfast. we all wake up to the smell of smoke and i, thinking quickly, throw a rock at the fire the bard made

bard: what are you doing! me: it was on fire! bard: i made the fire! that was for breakfast! me: ... oh

the bard braids my hair and several things happen during this time

i ask if she stole a hankerchief

she gets blue hair dye all over her hands

we realize “oh, where’s the ranger, you know, your half brother”

the bard freaks the fuck out when we realize the ranger is missing bc they are. siblings.

me: i call for bambi (the ranger’s deer companion) dm: bambi is right there me: great, can you lead us to febey? dm: bambi looks exasperated. she just goes to a tree and lays down.

the ranger was asleep in the tree.

the bard threw a rock at him

lots of rocks being thrown this session, as you can tell

after this rock throwing session, we all kept following the trail from yesterday to find the person we were hired to find and then out of nowhere, the dm goes :) roll a perception check

the ranger got a NAT ONE and heard a wounded animal. fun!

there was no wounded animal. just a swamp.

which we got stuck in

me: fuck me: that was in character

i did that several times throughout the session

me: we need to go to that swamp. carter: we need to follow the markings me: no, i remember, specifically, loki said to go to the swamp. they said the guy we’re rescuing was stuck in a swamp, and it would be kinda funny if i got stuck too, but that isn’t the point, we’re supposed to go to the swamp. so unless i remembered wrong, or my dm fucked up-

oh, by the way, i was RIGHT, the markings did lead to the swamp :)

we enter a scary hole in the swamp, and we hear a scary disembodied voice ask “WHO GOES THERE”

the artificer, trying to be practical: carter. me, being myself: i’m a paladin the bard, trying so hard to get us safely out of here: we’re the circus

scary voice: A PALADIN? WHO DO YOU SERVER, PALADIN me, realizing my mistakes: loki scary voice: TELL ME, HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE ROTTING GOD? me, very aware of my mistakes: uh, no, but i always like to keep my options open scary voice: ARE YOU READY TO COMMIT YOUR SOUL TO THE ROTTING GOD? me, so so very aware of my many, many mistakes: im not ready to commit to anything, but if you have an hour long power point presentation-

me, ooc: in the back of my head im just going “loki loki loki help help loki help” dm: loki doesn’t respond me, who knows loki has never shut the fuck up a day in their life, comforted me when i cried, and has always made a point to be there for me when i need them: oh no

a tiefling in a big goopy sack descends from the ceiling and the entire party basically goes “this is either florian or rose’s romancable npc”

me: jeremy i swear to GOD if this is my girlfriend-

it was florian, all is well

the scary disembodied voice turned out to be a lady with wings, a tail, and horns, who looked vaguely fiendish, and we all kind just went “hot” and referred to her solely as “hot lady”

the bard almost seduced her. almost.

during the fight florian was a BADASS with all kinds of fire spells

dm: florian goes up to you and touches your shoulder and says “flame on” me: i ask him if he’s a flaming bisexual dm: he gives you a wink

i, the paladin with a chronic inability to hit anything, ever, got a NAT 20 to hit

dm: i’m giving you a free divine smite for that

dm: roleb, you can’t see this, but the rest of you see their sword light up with a soft green light as they hit the hot lady, and she screams me, in character, after I hit her: yah. i’m a paladin.

after the bard sang a CUSTOM BARDIC INSPIRATION SONG FOR CARTER i took the opportunity to hand the lady (who had at some point ceased to be hot and was now just an old woman screaming at us) a poster about loki

dm: she’s going to take a swipe at you with her nasty claws me: wha- oh right, her turn is right after dorami’s. dm: you take 4 points slashing and 6 points of acid damage me: what the FUCK me, in character, to the lady: i guess you’re not a fan.

after the battle:

florian: so simon sent you to save me the other members of the party: yah me: nope, loki sent me. me, handing florian a poster about loki: you’ve been saved by the paladin of loki! congratulations! i’m not asking you to convert or anything, but a little gold thrown their way wouldn’t hurt

im basically just like “unless theres loot anywhere around here, i want to get the fuck out” bc im scared as fuck and cant contact my deity, who literally never stops giving me unprompted advice

we find a chest, and when i open it, i, bad dex mcgee, had to make a dex save. i failed, and took a dart to the shoulder. i kept the dart.

we all also rolled ridiculously high perception checks, so:

dm: you pull out the linens, and the three of you look at it, and you all at once kind of go “false bottom”

we find 420 gold

florian: i think i was useful in that fight, and i deserve a share of the gold carter, not having that bullshit: if you want me to help, i get my fair share, which does not include paying the damsel in distress

we also find a fancy dagger (i took it) a fancy ring (the bard took it) and the fucking rock (which the artificer took)

i need to explain something about this rock.

this is the rock that when we tried to roll arcana for it, with a NAT 20, we couldn’t understand it, and it just felt old. this is the rock that we found in the domain of a woman proclaiming shit about a rotting god taking my fucking soul. this is a rock we found in a place i could not reach my deity.

tHIS IS THE ROCK THAT WHEN CARTER TRIED TO SKIP IT, SHE HAD TO ROLL A WISDOM SAVING THROW, AND THE ROCK TOLD HER NOT TO THROW IT AWAY.

I HATE THIS FUCKING ROCK

me, literally at half health, running around after the battle: does anyone need healing :)

i use my lay on hands points to heal 2 points of damage to florian, 3 points for dorami, ANOTHER POINT FOR FLORIAN AFTER CARTER SLAPS HIM, and five points healing a disease florian had, that the dm later revealed he DIDNT ACTUALLY HAVE

meanwhile i’m basically bleeding out going :) this is fine :)

me: i run out dm: where to? me: the exit

me: as i go to the path i’m just going “loki? loki? loki?” dm: as soon as you get to the path, you hear in your ear, loki going “rose? caleb? ROLEB?”

loki: i couldn’t hear you, i couldn’t see you. i have been around for a very long time, and that was the most scared i’ve ever been me: yah but you’re the all powerful god, try being the squishy mortal

loki: you should heal yourself, you should- me: what what no no i’m fine, listen have you heard of the rotting god? loki: you know i hear your friends telling you to take care of yourself, and i agree, you should me: i’m fine but i feel like you’re dodging the question. do you know anything about the rotting god, because that scared me loki: you know whats even scarier? i don’t know anything about that.

artificer, ooc: are you talking to loki out loud? me, ooc: yes. bard, ooc: dorami is just like “is this normal paladin behavior??” loki: you should probably go, you’re freaking out your friends me: no i’m not! bard: uh, yes, sweetie, you kinda are

we are officially booking it back to town, and the bard and florian are hanging in the back flirting grossly the entire time

me, yelling back: IF YOU TWO WANT TO HAVE AN EVENING ROMP IN THE WOODS, BE MY GUEST, BUT WE’RE TRYING TO GET BACK TO TOWN bard, yelling back: I CAN DO BOTH

we also had to roll perception checks on the way back to town, and i got the highest, and i was the only one who saw a fucking shadow in the forest beside us

like i cannot stress this enough i think we accidentally stole an unholy relic from a rotting god and its the GODDAMN ROCK

we all start playing with matches on the way back, because i’m a pyromaniac, florian is a fire magician, and the bard has pyrotechnics

fireworks were made

dm: you get back to town and you realize it’s been overrun by mandated soldiers the party, currently consisted of an ex-soldier who deserted, a professional liar, the ex criminal we just rescued, an actual criminal, and a sixteen year old with a sword: oh shit

#dnd #dnd shenanigans #artificer #paladin #ranger #bard #the bard had to leave halfway through :/ so this is mostly a recap post for him #which is why its so detailed in places i think are important #rose

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