#the thing is that his most recent album (clouds) had a good few songs i was just very eh about. like they weren't awful but nt my thing and

[mind-empty-just-fictional-people]

Lonely Dancers

main masterlist | misc. jackles characters masterlist

SPOILERS! this story is set after the events of the movie and it (vaguely) spoils the ending

summary: when your boyfriend cheats on you, it leads you to tom hanniger

pairing: tom hanniger x female reader

rating: R for language

word count: 1.7k

warnings: language, cheating, mentions of death/murder, hearing voices (briefly, very end of the fic)

author’s note: happy valentine’s day! i wrote (and barely edited) this very quickly because i wanted to publish it while it was still valentine’s day in my timezone! enjoy!

music: lonely dancers by conan gray — incredible song by an incredible artist! go pre-save the upcoming album!

Tears were still clouding your eyes as you sat at the bar. You’d driven here after walking in on your boyfriend with another woman—your two best friends had both betrayed you in the most gutwrenching way.

“Crappy Valentines?” the man a few seats down from you asked.

“Somethin’ like that,” you scoffed.

“Well–”

“Look no offense, but I’m really not in the mood to be hit on, okay? So kindly fuck off and let me drink in peace.”

He nodded curtly; “Ten-four.”

You finished the glass in front of you and gestured to the bartender for another. You downed that one quickly and again asked for another immediately after.

“Cheated on, huh?” the man from before asked and you finally turned to look at him. He had a small, sad smile on his plush, pink lips and his green eyes seemed to look at you with sympathy. 

“What makes you say that?” you asked.

“I, uh, I know the look,” he replied. “How about the next rounds are on me?” he offered, you smiled a little in thanks. “I’m Tom, by the way.” You told him your name, figuring it was the least you could do.

“So, Tom, I’m guessing your Valentine’s Day hasn’t been much better than mine?” you asked.

“What makes you say that?” he quoted you with a bit of a smirk.

“You’re drinking alone in a bar attached to a cheap-ass motel,” you retorted. 

“Touché,” he laughed. “So maybe my day’s been shitty too… or maybe I just came here to hit on the lonely hot chicks.”

You narrowed your gaze at him, stifling a laugh; “Maybe. But something tells me you came here for the booze and not the chicks.” His smile faded a little at that but he was quick to plaster it back onto his face. “So how about we drink together for a bit and when I’m buzzed enough we head over to the dance floor and act like our day hasn’t been hell?” you suggested. 

“Sounds like a plan, sweetheart.”

You both got to talking and eventually, you told him the whole story. He held back most of the comments he wanted to make; hope he drops fuckin’ dead, for example, or who in their right mind would do that to such a gorgeous fuckin’ woman!?

“Well, he sounds like a major dick,” he commented. 

You listened to his story too, though he clearly wasn’t being as open with you as you were with him. But, you couldn’t blame him. His issue seemed to be about trauma linked to the actual day and less about something that happened recently.

After nearly half an hour of talking, he took your hand and led you to the beat-down jukebox in the corner.

“Does this shitty thing even work?” you scoffed. 

“Let’s hope it does or this dancing thing is gonna be pretty awkward,” he joked. He managed to get a song playing. “May I have this dance?” He turned from the jukebox and looked at you, but quickly noticed the tears welling in your eyes. “Shit, you okay?”

You sighed with a nod; “This was kind of… our song,” you admitted.

“Of all the songs for me to pick,” he scoffed quietly, mentally kicking himself. “I… don’t know how to switch it.”

“That’s okay,” you said softly, a sad smile gracing your lips though the tears stayed in your eyes.

“How about we dance to it anyway?” he offered. “That way it’ll become our song and the next time you hear it you won’t think of that cheating bastard, you’ll think of the somewhat good-looking guy you met while drinking yourself half to death?” He smirked and wiggled his brows a bit, making you let out a laugh. 

“Somewhat good-looking, huh? Have you looked in any kinda mirror recently?”

He shrugged, still smirking; “Didn’t wanna seem too cocky; had to downplay my looks a little, gauge your reaction.” You let him put his hands on your hips as you both started swaying to the music.

“That so?” You put your hands on his shoulders before you trailed them to the back of his neck. “And what’d my reaction tell you, handsome?”

“That this song is now officially ours,” he replied. “And every time you hear it you’re gonna remember my handsome face instead of that ugly asshole’s.”

“Thanks for that, Tom.” You smiled up at him, continuing to let him guide your movements. “I’d much rather think of you.”

You rested your head on his shoulder and his grip on your waist changed to wrap around your torso. The song was slow so he didn’t feel the need to change anything about the way you two were dancing—he just held you and gently swayed back and forth with the rhythm.

When the song ended the next one that played was more up-beat and “danceable” so you pulled away a little.

“Oh my god, I love this song!” you exclaimed, beginning to dance a more energetically while you still kept your hands on him.

He chuckled at your reaction and began dancing more too. His hands went back to your waist and he twirled you around. With your back pressed against his chest he turned up the heat a little; trailing his hands forward and up your body slowly. You smiled widely, enjoying the feeling of his touch over the thin fabric of your long-sleeved crop top. He twirled you back around, your hands catching your weight on his chest.

He looked down into your eyes; “Just thought I should gauge your reaction again.”

“And what’s it saying this time?” You smiled up at him, keeping your hands on his chest.

“That it might be okay if I kiss you right now?” 

You nodded before he leaned down to place a kiss on your eager lips. Before he could, however, your phone rang and you pulled back to check it.

“Damn it,” you mumbled, seeing the name.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Tom asked and you nodded. You were about to answer but he whipped the phone from your hands and hit decline. “Stop,” he said when you reached for the phone, “forget that guy! He clearly doesn’t know how to love a woman like you—someone so gorgeous, funny… talented dancer.” The last one made you laugh through the sting of fresh tears. “And I hope he drops fuckin’ dead! How about we just keep dancing so I don’t have to see those tears slip down your pretty face, huh?”

“Guess I’m all yours tonight,” you replied.

“That’s more like it!” He took you back into his arms before he kissed you. 

**

You woke up the next morning to the sound of someone knocking on your apartment door. You sighed and grabbed your pepper spray before going to answer it. When you looked through the peephole, however, you smiled and placed the weapon down on the table by your front entrance.

“Hey Tom, what’re you doing here?” You smiled after you opened the door. He held out the bouquet of roses he had been hiding behind his back.

“Happy belated Valentine’s Day,” he said. “I hope I made it a little less shitty for you and that you won’t hate this holiday the way I do.”

“Thank you,” you replied as you took them from him. You stepped aside so he could walk in. “I’m gonna find a vase for these, why don’t you make yourself comfortable?”

He nodded and made his way to your couch. He knew the layout of your home and where you lived because he had driven you home last night (well, earlier that day, technically) and made sure you got inside safely. You had offered to let him spend the night but he had declined politely, saying that as much as he enjoyed your company he didn’t want the two of you to become a one-night-stand. “Besides,” he had said, “I’ve got something important I’ve gotta do.”

The idea that Tom’s ‘important thing’ may have been just getting you flowers made your heart swoon in a way that you’d never felt before.  

You hurried and put the flowers in a vase before you went over and sat next to Tom on the couch. He smiled at you before you turned on the TV.

“Wanna watch something?” you asked but your eyes widened when you looked at the screen; “Oh my god.”

“Two individuals brutally murdered last night…” the news reporter went on to say the names of your ex and his new girlfriend (your former best friend). “Officials say it was a robbery gone wrong, due to a missing engagement ring presumably still in the romantic, heart-shaped box it was purchased in barely two weeks ago from a local jeweler. No suspects are in custody—” 

Tom shut the TV off as tears began rolling down your cheeks.

“Th-They’re both dead…” you barely whispered. The thought of the two people you cared most about being killed for no fucking reason made a scream erupt from your throat. Tom pulled you into his chest and you sobbed, gripping his shirt with all your might.

“I-I’m so fucking sorry,” Tom whispered. 

**

After a (very long) session of tears and Tom’s gentle shushing, Tom was making breakfast in your kitchen as you sat at the table. 

“It could’ve been me,” you said. “I-If he hadn’t cheated on me, if we hadn’t broken up, I would’ve been in her shoes. I’d be dead.”

“Thank god you aren’t,” Tom said. 

“Maybe if I had answered his call–”

“Don’t think like that,” he interrupted. “Just be grateful that you weren’t there and that you’re okay. This isn’t your fault at all in any fucking way, you understand me? It was just a robbery gone wrong and as tragic as that is, that isn’t on you.”

You smiled a little, though tears were still slipping down your cheeks. He had a point and even if he was technically still a stranger, he seemed to care about you. 

“We’ve got her now, Tom. She’s all ours.”

“What’d you say?” Tom looked at you over his shoulder.

“Nothing.” You smiled sadly at him. “Just…thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

#tom hanniger x reader #my bloody valentine 2009 #my bloody valentine #jackles character #tom hanniger #jensen ackles characters #by mind empty just fictional people #by jean

[frankbedbroken]

this is frankcore 2023: january

recently decided to make a playlist for the stuff i've been listening to in 2023 over the course of the month, so before i update it in a couple of days i want to go through what i had for january's rendition of the playlist! it's somewhat sorted by bpm but its mostly a free-for-all in terms of genre, though you can definitely see some biases for more electronic music and such.

dean blunt - london tonight freestyle (feat. skepta, novelist & a$ap rocky) uk hip hop, neo-psychedelia hypnagogic pop, trip hop, cloud rap

this will probably the year i get into dean blunt for real, what i've heard from him (as a solo artist and his many projects) i've very much enjoyed, and i need to give a relisten to bbf and one nation by hype williams because i'm sure i'm gonna like them even more now. as for this track specifically, it's about what you'd expect from the combination of artists at hand. very nocturnal and driving sample on an instrumental very reminiscent of unkle's psyence fiction, skepta and novelist delivering verses through a lo-fi haze, and rocky's crooning closing out the track (the "who loves me" refrain paired against the instrumental feels so melancholic, really good stuff).

nevermen - treat em right (boards of canada remix) downtempo synth funk

it's a bit funny that i found this song through chaeyoung from twice of all people, lmao. what's interesting about this beyond the fact that this is one of boards of canada's few releases in recent memory, is that rather than presenting the hazy, atmospheric blend of idm and downtempo that you would expect from boc, this evokes a funkier, smoother vibe, almost sensual, and i feel it's pretty weird to say that about a boc track. certainly fits the vibe of the original track, definitely get sleazy motel vibes out of this. very interesting stuff.

towa tei - technova (la em copacabana) (with bebel gilberto) shibuya-kei, nu jazz bossa nova, trip hop

you might know this one because dilla sampled it on a tribe called quest track, but to give a brief summary of where this comes from: towa tei, producer and dj originally from deee-lite, creators of the one-hit-wonder classic groove is in the heart, links up with bebel gilberto, daughter of joão gilberto who would later go on to crave a niche for herself as a lounge and downtempo artist in the early 2000s, to make one of the most blissfully chill songs i've ever heard. sure, you're bound to expect the most sunshine happy energy from a shibuya-kei song by default, but the bossa influences here definitely gives this one a distinct vibe that i haven't come across in other shibuya-kei i've heard so far. amazing chill.

baths - iniuria palace glitch pop, ambient pop

sorta rediscovered this one while i was going through my mp3 library to genre tag all of the files (very ardous process but it's probably gonna help if i want to look up a specific genre and that kinda thing), and found out that the version of baths' cerulean i downloaded had two tracks that were not on the official release of the album! one was mecha joy, better known as the instrumental for glow by charli xcx on super ultra, and then this one, under the name palatial disappointment, lasting like twenty seconds. interesting melancholic vibe paired with the production that you would usually expect from baths, feels kinda like the glitch pop equivalent of a midwest emo track lol.

blanck mass - the rat electro-industrial power noise

world eater is another album i should revisit in the future, remember liking it quite a bit when i first heard it but this was the one track i really latched onto. the driving, pummeling drums, slowly making way for wailing, distorted riffs and the blissful but frantic synth melodies, every part just seems to come together beautifully and it ends up creating this raw, intense feeling of catharsis. the way it keeps building on the motifs it keeps presenting and progressing upon itself, it feels like it could go on forever but also the payoff and the way it closes out feels earned and satisfying.

clams casino - drowning instrumental hip hop, cloud rap wonky, witch house

surprisingly listened to a fair amount of clams casino in january! i should probably check out a full project from him, i really like the couple of loose tracks i've heard so far. it's a style of production that i can really get into, chopped up vocals turning into almost indecipherable somber wails soaked into hazy, very reverb-heavy production. if i recall, i was going through the remixes of deftones' white pony, and while listening to the remix of feiticeira that clams casino did, i noticed someone in the comments mentioning this track, and pointing out that it sampled a track from thursday, the screamo/post-hardcore band. it's crazy that he took a bit from what was otherwise a fairly stripped back singer-songwriter type song, and turned it into a glitched up, anxious instrumental, maintaining the melancholy of the original track but from another perspective.

slayyyter - candy electropop, contemporary r&b, hyperpop

somehow got reintroduced to this by a charli xcx and blackpink edit, lmao. and it's funny too because i completely forgot about this track after listening to the slayyyter mixtape back in like 2019 or so, most of the tracks in that just didn't interest me whatsoever aside from alone. beyond the controversy surrounding slayyyter and ayesha erotica who has production duties on this, i can't help but think that this actually really works for me. unlike a lot of the other tracks on slayyyter's debut project, this production feels extremely hardhitting and engaging, driven off a clipse sample of all things, it has a lot of charm and intensity that most of the stuff in the mixtape didn't have (i blame that on robokid personally, his overly glossy sound felt extremely hollow and unengaging, especially on that project). slayyyter's vocal performance also feels very memorable and full of personality. the track in general just pops in a way that's very satisfying.

gaelle - give it back contemporary r&b neo-soul, synth funk

incredibly interesting project, this one. from what i can gather, gaelle used to be mostly an r&b vocalist for house tracks around the turn of the millenium, including the absolute bonafide hit that is king of my castle by wamdue project. at some point, her alongside co-producer eric hobsbawm drop a debut project under the name transient in a label known as naked music, a would-be-home for many crossovers between contemporary r&b and the deeper sounds of house and downtempo, such as this project. it feels extremely forward thinking in its production and aesthetics, a lot of people have mentioned kelela while referring to this album, and while i don't necessarilly think she took inspiration from this specifically (the album appears to not have been very successful when it came out, only garnering a lot more attention years after the fact), but i definitely do see where the comparison comes from in that regard. granted, this is one of the more "conventional" tracks in its runtime, but it's just expertly constructed and soulful r&b that you can't help but admire.

meat beat manifesto - genocide electro-industrial, industrial hip hop, breakbeat

haven't checked out much out of mbm's output aside from their 1990 compilation armed audio warfare to know if their other music sounds like it, but from what i know, that scrappy, off the wall and noisy approach to breakbeat and early industrial hip hop with a somewhat ebm-ish delivery to the vocals, is somewhat present in their subsequent work but not quite in the primitive, rugged-edged state as the stuff in that release. although it would be interesting to see how their sound progressed from then on, i'd be lying if i said that i wouldn't be sad if that were the case because i've always really enjoyed this sound: it's loud, it's abrasive, it's in-your-face and bombastic, and has this certain cheesiness that's typical of some of the early 90s industrial scenes (i.e. ebm) that is very endearing.

hikaru utada - traveling j-pop, dance-pop funky house

this following three-track-run would work great in a set, i feel. first off, we got absolute j-pop legend hikaru utada. the only project i've heard in full from them so far was last year's bad mode which was one of my favourite records of that year, delivering wonderfully smooth pop and r&b with electronic undertones. there is a similar approach to songwriting here but in a much different mood and style: whereas tracks like one last kiss and somewhere near marseilles have a more subdued, gently progressing sound, this one is a lot more immediate and hooky, heading towards brighter styles of house and a more soaring vocal delivery. this got viral on twitter around january iirc (that's how i came to know about this song in particular at least), and with good reason, it's a fantastic song.

miranda! - bailarina dance-pop, funky house synthpop

🇦🇷 ARGENTINA MENTIONED 🇦🇷 coming from arguably one of the most important pop acts of latin america, this track has a similar approximation in sound to the previous track: enrapturingly energetic and driving pop music with an inclination to the funkier, dance-floor ready sounds of house, though in this case it has more of a sensual feel in terms of songwriting (as far as i can tell at least, i haven't checked the lyrics for traveling and i don't know japanese lol). it makes sense after all, both albums where the respective songs are from came out the same year! speaking of, i'm glad es mentira is reaching a lot more ears beyond latin america and getting its dues, it's an album that feels of its time in terms of the aesthetics and sounds it goes for, but considering the resurgence of ~~~y2k vibes~~~ in recent times, it definitely feels very current still and absolutely worth a look for anyone that enjoys pop music.

dreamcastmoe - bend backwards deep house, neo-soul, synth funk

to wrap up this run, here's something a bit more recent, and possibly a bit more lowkey! i'm not super familiar with dreamcastmoe as an artist unfortunately, i think i found this through a clip from a dj set by dazegxd or gum.mp3, can't recall which right now, shoutout to the nyc garage crew though. anyhow, this vibe is absolutely immaculate. the strong sense of groove coming from a more organic approximation to the classic 4/4 house rhythm, the laidback delivery of the vocals that almost feels off-the-cuff while still managing to be catchy and memorable, and just a generally inviting atmosphere to the song as a whole. very apt for summer, i'd say.

shades - exultia dubstep, hybrid trap

and now for something completely different! i am a big fan of both alix perez and eprom as producers on their own, one delivering absolute classics of mellower, more atmospheric sounds of drum and bass, and the other being a boundary-pushing master of sound design doing anything and everything under the increasingly vague umbrella of "bass music". their output together is, naturally, also very much to my liking, with their first album being firmly based on the darker sound of halftime dnb, and their most recent outing having more of a balance of that and classic uk dubstep, all with some sound design inclinations from edm trap. pretty much every track in the album is fantastic but i was really into this one during the month because of that synth progression in the buildup and an absolutely menacing vocal refrain on the drop. shit's evil, it's good.

mark pritchard & steve spacek - turn it on neo-soul, uk bass broken beat, future garage

i recently went through this rym list of (mostly) electronic music releases with not many ratings and the selection was in general pretty good! found a lot of really interesting music from it, including this track right here. i originally wanted to add the track dollar by steve spacek, because of the absolutely crazy production from the legend j dilla, but for some reason it's not available for me on spotify. this one is no slouch in comparison, though. the production in this is extremely engaging, with its driving basslines and synth flourishes alongside the skittering broken beat drums pairing wonderfully with spacek's smooth soft-spoken vocals. will definitely have to look more into his other output, the few tracks i've heard from him have been great and this is definitely no exception.

deep sky objects - lethwei uk bass dubstep, funk carioca, post-industrial

second eprom project on the list! this one, a collaboration with andrew doubek feels not quite as approachable as some of the other material i've heard from eprom, veering into the more formless sounds of uk bass and darker approximations to tech house. this one falls more into the former of such categories, but it does so in a way that feels very interesting. the drum pattern feels very brazilian funky to me, pounding and heavy barrages of percussion sunk through distortion and grit, with not a whole lot in regards to melody to distract you from the driving, dark groove (not a negative in my opinion in this case). that last drop with the "lord 'ave mercy!" vocal sample followed by the classic eprom sounds you'd expect is excellent, as well. definitely a very singular track that's worth checking out.

kelela - contact alternative r&b, breakbeat future garage

did you know the kelela album that just came out is really fucking good?! who could've seen this one coming, right? admittedly, i feel a bit ashamed that i waited so long to really get into kelela, i definitely should've heard take me apart way earlier than i did, but i am glad i got into the bandwagon regardless, kelela is just an absolutely fantastic artist and any and all praise she gets is absolutely deserved. as of right now i personally prefer raven to take me apart (they're both great projects though, i still need to get to cut 4 me and hallucinogen to have a full opinion on her discography), if anything for the presence of breakbeat influences such as in this track. beyond the production just being fantastic, the vocals are just as amazing as you'd expect, "it's 2 am, yeah we made it, everybody faded" is a line i'm absolutely obsessed with, it's super simple but it brings in a lot of emotion in my opinion, it paints the picture of a night out with the people you love where you're actually having a lot of fun. the relaxed yet longing atmosphere of the track as a whole is enthralling, exactly as stunning as you'd expect from her at this point, go listen to raven immediately (or don't, if vibey rnb with electronic influences isn't your thing).

everything but the girl - nothing left to lose future garage, uk bass 2-step, dubstep

we've been waiting for this one. the story of ebtg is interesting, going from a sophisti-pop and folk pop act in the uk underground to an overnight club sensation thanks to a todd terry remix in the mid 90s, then moving onward as they explored the worlds of downtempo, house and drum and bass in their subsequent works during the rest of the 90s and the early 2000s. they called it quits after their last project in 2001, temperamental, and out of nowhere, they came back more than twenty years after that record dropped. while it definitely feels in line with their last offerings, there's also a lot of differences. the main one is tracey's voice having changed so much over the years, reaching a much deeper, mature tone, i'm reminded of neneh cherry's last output personally in that regard; it works excellently with the somber melancholy of the garage beat, very reminiscent of recent takes of the genre from acts like overmono or two shell. it's overall not quite as immediate as some of their other offerings, but it's smooth and inviting in a way that's very compelling.

koreless - shellshock (g jones & eprom edit) trap [edm], idm

third and last appearance from eprom on the list this month! this time a remix alongside fellow boundary-pusher in the edm trap scene, wonder producer g jones, of a track by koreless, experimental electronic producer that dropped his debut album in 2021 from which this track is from. the original track was already fantastic in its own right, rooted in this vein of progressive electronic based on taking the synth progressions of trance, letting them breathe and not incorporating much in the way of percussion, in this case also having these beautifully chopped up and unintelligible vocal lines that run through the entire track. what g jones and eprom do with it is pretty simple, they slightly tweak the track to fit with their (somewhat more) festival oriented sound, giving the track an actual "drop", but also maintaining the spirit of the original track while also going out of their way to put more of a glitchy edge in the final sections. excellent stuff.

mc pipokinha - bota na pipokinha (feat. dj felypinho 013, dj noguera & dj pablo rb) beat bruxaria hard drum, industrial techno

exciting stuff still happening in sao paulo. there's still a lot of stuff out there in regards of the beat bruxaria scene that i haven't yet gone through (it's mostly a singles genre so it might be difficult to find the really stand-out stuff), but if this is not the best song i've heard from the scene so far, it's pretty close. pipokinha's delivery is raunchy, energetic and absolutely exhilarating, but the real star of the show for me is that beat. beyond it just being as distorted and heavy as you would expect for a bruxaria track, what gives this one its edge is the influences of the harder styles of techno: the driving, distorted bassline, the absolutely massive and pummeling drum kicks, the synth sounds in the drop straight out of a monnom black track. it's an absolute tour de force, and i can only imagine the damage this does in a club setting.

skin on skin - burn dem bridges peak time techno uk drill

got into this one way too late, it's already been rinsed to death by this point but fuck, it's just an absolute banger. i'm very particular about techno in the sense that i don't really care for the more minimalist, straight 4/4 style of techno that's probably most in vogue at the moment (think of stuff like amelie lens, adam beyer, nina kraviz, marco carola, that kinda thing). the type of techno i tend to enjoy is either very heavy and distorted industrial techno, or some forms of techno that have more of a sense of tangible melody, this one falling into the latter camp. one of the more memorable vocal samples i've heard in electronic music in a while (IF IT AINT IF IT AINT GANG I'LL BURN DEM IF IT AINT IF IT AINT GANG ILL BURN DEM) put into the context of this pulsating, driving techno groove works fantastically. a sure fire hit, no other way of putting it.

novelist x mumdance - 1 sec weightless

classic of the uk scene in the 2010s, and a defining statement for a new sound in grime, crazy to think that this is already eight years old. for those not in the know, grime was a blend of electronic music (specifically the rhythms of uk garage) and uk hip hop developed during the 2000s, building itself on intense vocal deliveries and skittering rhythms. weightless, on the other hand, is what happens when you take the vocal stylings and production of grime and make it as stripped back as possible, removing pretty much all percussion, leaving just unsettling synth ambiances and the mc's performance. and it works. the flows and lines from novelist are incredibly memorable and the production with its heavy bass stabs and barely discernable hi-hats. very nocturnal and atmospheric, it's no wonder why this is a grime staple.

toasty - the knowledge dubstep, breakstep

while going through the rym list i mentioned on turn it on, i came across a lot of stuff from the uk label hotflush, specialized in dubstep and uk bass during the late 2000s and early 2010s, and a name that kept popping up was toastyboy aka toasty, a producer that had a knack for incorporating elements of breakbeat in the context of og dubstep's deep basslines. i then remembered that i was actually somewhat familiar with some of his output because of this track right here! i don't quite remember how i got to this, iirc it might've been because of an eprom tweet? nevertheless, this track is really good. as i mentioned before, this blend of dubstep and breakbeat works to great effect creating this menacing atmosphere, very apt for a warehouse setting i feel, and the constant refrains of "i seek knowledge", "you need it, you feel it" are extremely catchy and memorable. speaker knocker.

dead man's chest - just 4 jungle

don't quite remember how i first found this one, it might've been either through finding it on a jungle mix by someone along the likes of tim reaper or sherelle, or by getting it on my youtube recommended feed after going through a bunch of modern jungle tracks, possibly after doing the former! nevertheless, this is an absolute tune. from the moment it comes in with these hazy synth pads and the bright, cheery vocal chops to then introduce the breaks alongside the vocal refrain of "we do this just for you!", the atmosphere is just completely set, it feels very affirming imo. and then the drop comes in and you're just thrust deep into the rave, barrages of breaks setting the scene, sirens coming in sporadically, screams of "proper hardcore" bouncing around the track. it's absolutely massive stuff, more than likely best experienced in a live set, you could probably feel the walls rattling.

chrizpy chriz - trauma neurofunk

man. shoutout to 3d gif dubstep. always a treat finding cool music through silly videos on the interwebs. this time from a producer that i was not very familiar with, released through yuku, which is a label that i have encountered a couple of times, going through specific niches of drum and bass, most consistently halftime and neurofunk, the latter of which being the case of this track. i know there's a lot of people that don't really care for producers showing off sound design as the main feature of their music (i get that too sometimes), but this really nails that balance of having insane textures and sound design while also being an absolute banger. just incredibly heavy and brutal production, it feels like you are stuck inside of a machine trying to escape. it's very anxious and frantic, but also extremely energetic and compelling.

kid606 - slammin' ragga bootleg track ragga jungle raggacore

it is very much what it says on the tin! my experience with kid606 is pretty slim, i'd say, i've only heard kill sound before sound kills you, which runs the gamut from breakcore, idm, gabber and everything in between, and this veers into similar territory as some tracks in that project. essentially a rework of tenor fly's rude boy talk with a lot more frantic drum breaks and speedy shuffling rhythms, and it's exactly as fun as that might entail; i love ragga vocal delivery and it's something i always welcome in a track, and it works to great effect here. while the main part of the track is wild and fun, the last section of the track feels a lot more relaxed and welcoming, introducing a sampled melody that appears to come from a manu chao song that feels very satisfying, it's like a comedown but in a good way. very good track, definitely recommended if you like jungle/breakcore that is actually fun.

#im frank #music #frankcore 2023 #i doubt im gonna be consistent with this also but well see! #ill cook up the tracklist for the february roundup tomorrow

[mylyricpages]

INTERVIEW WITH JEFF SCOTT # 6 ( 2022 )

“I honestly feel like I dug deep with these songs, they feel more raw. It’s probably the most honest I’ve been in a long time.”

Three years after ‘Electric Hymns’ James Ellis is finally releasing a new collection of lyrics to the world. “There’s been a lot of changes in that time,” he tells Jeff Scott, “and that set me thinking a lot about the past and what comes next.”

IT’S A CRISP, sunny mid-September morning in Swansea Bay. I’m sat outside The Secret Beach Bar & Kitchen, which is set beside the coastal path and overlooks the idyllic beachfront. The sky above the sea is dotted with long flat clouds, broken sunlight seeping through. Nearby the squawking of seagulls fills the air, competing with the constant hum of traffic along busy Mumbles Road, just a stone’s throw away from the Swansea Cricket/ football club and Victoria Park.

Gathering my notes I spot the familiar figure of James Ellis approach, navigating the walkers, joggers and cyclists, coming from the direction of Singleton Park. He nods my way and smiling enters the café, emerging minutes later with what he calls his “latest tipple“, a Coke Zero.

We smile, I stand, we shake hands, we sit, we share news.

If you’re not new here you’ll know we’ve met many times before, going back to 2015. You’ll also know we’ve collaborated on a book ‘The Art Of Over Thinking’ ( incidentally now about to be updated with a second volume ) and each time he finishes something new we do this, I interview him in a place of his choosing. I’ve interviewed him about his books, his comics, and of course why we’re here today, his lyrics.

The amount of ‘songs’ he’s written recently reached something of a milestone, now standing at 400. That’s 26 official collections and 6 volumes of what are basically the written equivalent of outtakes. Next year marks the 20th anniversary of his first collection, 2003’s ’Hear The Silence.’ For 19 years now he���s been putting these collections together, all of which are now on his official Tumblr page ‘My Past Pages.’

As ever I strive to get into the more personal side of things, as ever he’s elusive, but as we talk I find he’s more open than previously, willing to dig deeper, something that’s been a continuing thing for him.  

Q. It’s been three years since your last collection, 2019’s ‘Electric Hymns,’ easily the longest gap you’ve had. Was a there a reason for that?

Well, to be honest I wasn’t even sure if there would be another one. When we last spoke I had some vague ideas but nothing solid. I honestly wondered if I was done. And if I was, quite frankly, I was okay with that. I had the lyrics for 378 songs at that point, that’s a good run.

I always figured I’d still write the odd song here and there when I felt the need to get something out of my system, but for a long while I had no desire to do another collection. A few times I thought I might start up again but it never turned into anything and other things took my attention.

Q. Was there a particular triggering factor that set you on the path again?

There were a few. I think what happened is that there had been a lot of things building over time, bubbling up inside me until I felt a real need to write about them. I’ve always had a good sense of when it’s time.

A few months into this year I really felt a strong pull back toward lyric writing. I guess it was just time, it’s as simple as that sometimes. I just felt I had more in me. It also coincided with me gravitating back toward music in a big way, not that it’s ever not a constant presence, but I really felt a need to explore it again, especially artists and albums I’d often heard about but never got around to listening to.

Spring was ending and summer was beginning and it all came together. I even called it my Summer of Song. I just took a deep dive, Grateful Dead, Ryan Adams, Eagles, Pretenders, Sam Fender, Belle & Sebastian, Counting Crows, Creedance Clearwater Revival, The Fall, to name but a few. I wanted to listen to back catalogues that were new to me, that would inspire me, and really spur me on in my writing.

Q. When you first started wasn’t it going to be a sequel of sorts to ‘When The Sky Fell Down’? You mentioned that idea back in 2019.

Yeah, that’s how it began too. ‘When The Sky Fell Down’ went from my birth up to 2009, so the idea was to follow up it by covering 2010 to 2022. In fact, some of the ‘sound effects’ on songs like ‘Welcome To The Big Sky’ are remnants of that idea. I was only a few songs in when that approach started to feel not right for what the collection was becoming. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was but I knew it wasn’t that.

Q. The theme of ‘Electric Hymns’ was about trying to be in the moment, celebrating the good things in life. It feels to me like these songs are about taking stock, about accepting past mistakes and trying to do better going forward. Would you say that’s fair?

Completely fair. I think a part of that sequel idea not working is I felt I’d already written about a lot of that stuff, and at the same time I wanted to write about what I was feeling now and how the past fed into that. If anything I was trying to write in a vacuum, trying to let the words flow straight from my head without over thinking too much.

I honestly feel like a dug deep with these songs, they feel more raw, a naked kind of feel. It’s probably the most honest I’ve been in a long time.  

Q. When we last spoke you mentioned the idea of doing a collection of more narrative driven songs. Did that move ahead at all?

I did briefly play with that, as well as maybe doing a collection of political songs but ultimately I don’t think that’s where my strength lies.

Q. Something you did go back to though was multi-part songs, something you haven’t done since 2010‘s ‘Kings Of Desolation Avenue.’

Yeah, that was partly me thinking along the lines of it being a sequel to ‘When The Sky Fell Down’ but mostly it because I’d missed doing them.

Q. You told me recently that there was a lot of trial and error, that you just ended up figuring out what this collection was as you went along. You also mentioned a few things got left off the final version.

Only a few. If it had been a shorter collection I would have been left with a bunch of them. Actually I did briefly consider splitting the whole thing into two separate collections but it didn’t feel right. There were just three left over, ‘You Think You Know Me,’ ‘A National Anthem’ and ‘Echo Of Your Footsteps.’ the first two felt completely out of place. ‘You Think You Know Me’ was an angry little punk song and ‘A National Anthem’ was kind of a protest song, which felt just a bit too similar to ‘The Last Fierce Charge’ from ‘Electric Hymns.’ Neither felt quite right or finished, and some parts just didn’t scan right either, but ‘Echo Of Your Footsteps’ is ready to be released though.

Q. What happened to the stuff you had left over from ’Electric Hymns‘?

A few of them are almost finished but none of them felt like they fitted thematically. The ones close to being done are ‘Saints Of Modern America’ a multi-part song, ‘Just Like Tom Petty’ and ‘Cry Like A child.’ I’m still keen to get them finished and released at some point.

Q. Can you talk about the title of the collection ‘On The Outside Looking In.’

Well, that came quite early on. It was also the first song I wrote back in May. When I came up with it I immediately thought it might make a good title overall, and as I wrote more songs it really began to feel like it encompassed what I thought this collection was turning into. It’s about me, how I’ve always felt slightly removed from life in a lot of ways, but it’s also about how I view those things from where I am.

Oddly enough, while I was finishing the last song, ‘The Sound Of Waves’ I nearly changed the title. It was almost called ‘The Art Of Self Deception.’

Q. It’s a good title.

Yeah, but it didn’t feel like it fitted thematically overall, and anyway that title in still in there, as part of ‘The Sound Of Waves’ so that’s okay.

Q. And with this collection you’ve written the lyrics for your 400th song.

Yeah, I’m not sure I’ve even properly processed that. It’s an odd thing, I never thought there’d be this many back when I started this in 2003. Not all of them are great but I suppose I should be proud of getting this far, having pride in myself has never come easily though. ( laughs )

Q. There’s 21 songs on this collection, two of them multi-part, was it always the intention for it to be almost the double the normal length?

Like I said, there’d been a lot bubbling away the last few years and as it turns out there was a lot more than I thought and the words just kept coming. It didn’t slow down for a long time and I just went with it.

I originally thought it might be about 12 or 13 songs, like the last three collections, but when I began I realised I had enough ideas for about 15, then properly into it that grew to 17, then 19, and finally to 21.

They’re quite dense songs too, which is what I was after, there’s only two shorter songs. I felt myself drawn toward something more wordy, at least more so than the last few collections. If you go by the word count it’s probably the longest collection I’ve written in 19 years.

Q. Can you talk a little about your official Tumblr page ‘My Past Pages.’

Yeah, judging by the feedback it seems to be going pretty well. I’ve spent more time on it this year. With other projects taking up all my time the last few years the whole lyric side of things was starting to feel like a neglected child, especially with no new material coming out.

When I returned to it I had a definite plan about the things I wanted to do, how I could maybe change it up a bit, make it more interesting for both the reader and myself. For the longest time I don’t think I’ve valued this side of myself as much as I should. To continue the  metaphor the lyric side has often felt like the lesser child, lost among the books and the comics. As I’ve gone through my past collections recently that now seems totally unfair and I want to give the lyric side of things their due, give them more respect than I have in the past.

Q. This year you finally released the full length versions of the ‘conceptual collections’ as you call them for the first time online. ‘Age Of The Restless Heart,’ ‘Songs Of All Our Yesterdays,’ ‘When The Sky Fell Down,’ ‘The Dream Parade’ and ‘Kings Of Desolation Avenue’ are now available on ‘My Past Pages.’

Yeah, again I think that was about me finally having a greater respect for what I’ve achieved over the years. I put a lot of work into making those collections work as a cohesive whole and it felt right for those songs to finally be seen in their proper context the way they were intended. They were always meant to be read together as they told a story.

Q. Something we’ve often talked about is your continued fascination with the artistic merging of music and words and photography.

Yeah, it’s not something I’ve talked about in interview before though. No special reason, it’s just never come up. It’s never to the forefront of what I do but it’s always there. For me it’s an integral part of ‘My Past Pages’ as I like how an image can evoke a certain feeling. 9 times out of 10 the image that accompanies a song on the page is there specifically because that image inspired the words in some way.

It’s a vital part of the writing process for me. I always have an image of an artist in front of me, something that captures the feeling I’m after. When I’m visualizing the music to the words I’m writing and it maybe falls into the realm of say someone like Frank Turner, then I’ll usually have an image of him in front of me. It helps me tap into a particular kind of vibe I’m after. It’s the same as listening to certain music as I write, it’s not so much the song but what it brings up for me.

It’s not just the creative side of it though, there’s just an indefinable feeling I get from photography that I can’t explain, especially rock photography, especially black and white, that takes me to a certain place.

Q. And of course that love of rock photography brings us to album covers.

Yes, it’s always fascinated me how the very best covers encompass the overall feel of a collection of songs, how they evoke a time and a place, and are a snapshot of the thematic ideas held within those songs.

Q. Which leads us to the recently revised covers of your lyric collections.

Well, the idea was always to emulate the album format, sans the music of course, and I followed that through with the covers. I wanted them to evoke that same idea, to give a sense of the themes inside.

Working on ‘My Past Pages’ recently I had a similar feeling to what I did with releasing the full length collections. It just felt a shame the covers had never been widely seen as they only existed in physical form. I just decided it was time I got them properly out into the world.

Q. You once said you thought you had about 25 collections in you, that you‘d always felt that. Now you’ve completed your 26th do you think this is always going to be something you’ll come back to?  

You know, there were always times when I wondered if I had more in me to say, but now, well, yeah, I’ll always come back to them. It’s something I need to do every so often I think. It’s probably a cliche to say it’s a form of therapy but I really do think that’s maybe a big part of it.

WE TALK OF other things for a while, new music, old music, live shows, the various projects he’s planning for 2023, until we exhaust our subjects of shared interest and it feels time for us to be on our way.

And then we depart, both knowing we’ll meet each other again soon enough.

*

[strawberrysweetcinnamon]

Hello,

I’m glad, that as you learn to make the perfect Cappuccino, all your attempts are yummy and you can enjoy them. 💚 i am currently drinking my Italian Roast coffee (k-cup). Yummy! It is a pretty morning.

Chen announcing a new mini-album! How wonderful! I enjoyed Xiumin teasing him to produce a dance song in the behind the scenes video of New Brand.

I enjoy kdramas. I will wait for a few more episodes of Soo’s new one before I watch it. I am glad to hear you enjoyed the first ep. Do you have any fav dramas?

Years ago, I remember watching “Hello Monster” and being captivated by a particular actor. I was new to EXO and had not realized that it was Kyungsoo. He did a very good job in that drama.

I am excited for Suho and his new drama. I know he really wants to act more so, yay!! for him. Have you watched any of Chanyeol’s dramas?

Do you have a favorite look or era of Chanyeol’s? I remember you mentioned you loved his Obsession Era. And any favorite photoshoots? I loved him with his Blonde/almost white undercut hairstyle in the W Korea photoshoot.

Have a wonderful week! Your ESS ❄️🎄

Oooh, Italian Roast sounds fancy! I admit I'm not much of a connoisseur or anything 😅 I ran out of milk today so I went to get a caramel latte from the bakery nearby and it felt good even just to breathe in the scent of it. ☕️

YES, I'm curious about the Chen mini album!! I admit I'm usually not a huge fan of ballads (I think I've said it before? 😅 not sure - and there are exceptions, of course) but I REALLY loved "Shall We", it was such a gorgeous song (I guess it wasn't a "typical ballad", either!). Wonder what his next title track is gonna be like! Argh, I haven't watched the behind the scenes videos from Brand New yet, though... But I remembered how someone (I think on Facebook?) pointed out how on the "wheel of fortune"(?? not sure what the correct English term is tbh) that you see in the Brand New MV, the symbols on it point to events in EXO's recent past (like rain for Suho's mini album and the 🎉 emoji for EXO's anniversary) - that person speculated that the symbols following were indicators for future EXO activities and the next symbol up was a cloud, which they speculated was for a Chen mini album. So it turned out to be correct! 😳 I'm so curious because the next symbols were wind (which would indicate... Sehun solo???) and a sun (which that person speculated was for Chanyeol - which I DO hope, he's been waiting for SO long - but I guess it might also be Baekhyun? Though his discharge is still some time away...).

Ahem, anyway 😅 As for dramas, the only one I ever watched start to finish was "Memories of the Alhambra", I LOVED that one OMG. I admittedly started watching for Chanyeol, but since he isn't in it much, I really watched it to the end just because it was THAT good. I watched a few episodes of "100 Days My Prince" but then I sort of lost interest? It wasn't bad, I'm just really not good at sticking with things most of the time. Oh, and I watched "How Are You Bread"! Good thing it was short. 😂 Don't think I've ever watched any non-EXO related dramas... But yesss, I'm happy for Suho, I remember him saying he wants to do more acting!! 😊 As for Chanyeol's dramas (other than MotA) - I started watching "EXO Next Door" (does that count? 😂) but it was so cringey I kind of couldn't get myself to go on (not that I disliked it, it was just kind of too much for me to take?? I still want to finish it at some point!! 😂). I don't think I've watched any others...

Oof. Looks/eras for Chanyeol... There's a few. 😂 Yes, I enjoyed his Obsession look. Generally him with light pink hair (so Obsession and The War era), OR with red hair (Overdose, Ex'act/Lotto) OR with silver hair (Exodus/Love Me Right, Don't Fight The Feeling) are my favourites. But argh, the white blonde look was good, too 😣 The photoshoot question is difficult, I don't think I have too many particular photoshoots in mind... so I'm afraid I can't really answer that question, sorry dear Santa. 😓 I'll try to give it some thought...

I hope you have a lovely weekend!! 🤍

#countingstolenchange exolss

[natromanxoff]

Record Mirror (July 14, 1979): 119/?

THE QUEEN BACKLASH ENDS HERE

WITHOUT DOUBT Queen are among that elite number of bands universally hated by the rock press.

The rancour is, make no mistake, mutual which is understandable. If you find yourself on the receiving end of an inveterate dislike at the outset of your career and watch it being nurtured and carefully cultivated over the next six years you’re bound to retaliate.

Queen’s hatred manifests itself by their continued habit of ignoring the music press i.e. refusing to give interviews. There is the occasional token “chat”, pointless as it is innocuous, but in the main it amounts to a blanket “No.”

One of the last interviews Freddie Mercury gave was the last nail in the perspex coffin. Under a headline which boldly asked ‘Is This Man A Prat?’ the king of the leotards was demolished by one of the old school Queen haters and Freddie obviously came to the conclusion, in its wake, that interviews in future would be both superfluous (he was popular enough) and detrimental.

The curtain, velvet naturally, closed.

Roger Taylor, a little wary, a little weary, sits stiffly in an armchair. The juggernauts rattling the Chelsea Street outside create a sonorous buzz bomb hum in the room.

You expect a member of Queen to look elegant. In fact Roger is only wearing a wine colour mohair jacket, black shirt and blue jeans.

He apologises for being a little late and explains how he went to the wrong address. Roger seems to be the only member of Queen left who is prepared, albeit rarely, to open his mouth in the presence of a hack. A question springs to mind . . . why?

“We all sat around a table before I flew over from Munich to discuss the press situation and we agreed I should be the one to represent the band. Freddie is very uncompromising and refuses to have much to do with journalists.

“Obviously, he’s had a few raw deals with them in the past,” observes Taylor.

Roger himself has a rather low view of the music press.

“Most of it is rubbish. There was something I liked recently, a piece on Malcolm McLaren, but in the main I think I’m the only one of Queen to actually read the music papers.”

Why does he think the band are systemically slagged?

“I think it’s because Queen have always come across as being a rather confident band. We seemed, to other people at least, to be very sure of ourselves. I think the press may have misconstrued the confidence, mistaking it for a form of arrogance. Hence they became wary of our motives which bred a dislike for our music.”

Now that’s what I call a neat conclusion.

At the risk of being sent to Coventry by my colleagues I’d like, if I may, to come clean. I love Queen (you’re fired, Ed).

I think it all began with a simple pre-packed but indisposable line – “Dynamite with a laser beam” and has continued uninterrupted (despite the occasional flaw) right through to ‘Queen Live Killers’.

A combination of reasons, Freddie Mercury’s lascivious lisp – the most attractive intonation known to man . . . Brian May’s reel ‘em off rococo riffs that would, in his capable hands, transform the theme music for ‘Waggoners’ Walk’ into a meisterwork . . . John Deacon’s almost stoic stance, incongruous yet integral . . . Roger Taylor’s intense power, so unexpected from one so slight . . . the ability to go over the top without failing into the trap of caricature . . . a desire to give the punters what they want without pandering . . . that cast iron confidence . . . those nine glorious winter weeks of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ which kept the cold away from my soul . . .

Yes, I love Queen.

Roger explains the story behind ‘Killers’ which features just about every Queen classic which ever found its way into a silk lined memory bank.

“We always knew that one day we would make a live album. I think it was well planned. About 90 per cent of our last European tour was recorded on a mobile unit and we then spent weeks sitting through the songs in the studio.

“The result is a 100 per cent LIVE album. Nothing has been touched up in the process of selection, I think that’s pretty rare these days. Many ‘live’ albums are tampered with.”

The choice of single is unusual – ‘Love Of My Life’. “It’s not so unusual when you hear the way it came out. The song seems to have such a wide appeal. Everywhere we go the reaction to it is the same. The audience are just bursting to sing along.”

The result is Queen’s best single since ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ (that was their LAST one crawler, ED)

As I mentioned earlier the band are currently residing in Munich where they are “experimenting” in the studio.

“We are recording in a totally different way for us,” says Roger who speaks with a delicate London accent only typical of cockneys with dramatic training and David Essex.

“Every time we entered a studio in the past we had a good idea of what we were going to do. This time we started from scratch and the result is amazing. The music is nothing like anything we’ve done before, I guess you could say it’s much simpler.”

And this novel approach to their music also extends to their shows. On their next British tour – in the late Autumn – the band will be playing much smaller venues than they are accustomed to.

“In London for example we went to play to audiences of about two or three thousand in different areas. I think it’s much fairer to the fans.”

But won’t this affect their stage show which is after all a crucial factor for any powerpomp outfit?

“Not really. We will just scale down the show accordingly. Besides,” he says taking another bite out of the biscuit, “we haven’t used dry ice in years.”

The monkey on Queen’s back, as corpulent and cantankerous as ever, has been put there by those who firmly believe the band can never emulate past achievements. Roger is cognizant of its presence but refuses to unpeel its bananas.

“That all began after ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. When it stayed at number one all those weeks we were kindly informed that we would never be able to make another single to rival it both artistically and from the point of view of sales.

“Yet ‘We Are The Champions’ sold a great deal more and has since become the biggest selling single in the entire history of Elektra Asylum – our label in the States.

“We don’t do the amazingly complex things any more because we’ve moved on from that. We concentrate on the music we are doing now and we intend to do it the best we can, it’s ridiculous looking behind and and what you’ve done.

“There’s nothing like going back on the road to re-unite the bond between the four personalities and strengthening our belief in the band. We are a real working unit and, in my experience of the music business, one of the most democratic bands around today.”

A statement like that cries out to be expounded.

“People think every member of all the bands, not naming any names, are treated equally that is get the same money as their colleagues. That’s rubbish. In many bands there are a couple of guys that get all the money. The rest are on wages. Queen share the profits equally.”

And they don’t have a manager taking his cut either, John Reid departed a couple of years back and now the band themselves make all the major policy decisions. Why did they decide to dispense with the services of a manager?

“Basically because we were fed up with giving other people money. Y’know it never ceases to amaze me how naive those guys are in bands who have just had their first hit. After all this time I’ve forgotten just how naive we must have been at the beginning.

“I mean, everything seems so great when you get into the charts for the first time. You’re living on cloud nine and nothing else matters. But in truth that hit means absolutely nothing. So few people achieve any amount of financial success in this business.

“Oh, you think, you’re really living . . . for a while. Somebody gets you a flat in Chelsea and it’s all free. But one day the rent stops being paid for you and you realise you’re skint.

“Since John Reid has gone the four of us have always made a point of discussing everything together. We have various people working for us but all the important decisions are made by us alone. That way we get freedom of choice – and financial independence.”

My attention is suddenly diverted.

“FORTY-LOVE!” Wimbledon, the Persil White opiate for the hoi polloi squashed in a strawberry crush wrings out its perspiring petticoats on the TV in the next room.  Roger’s girlfriend, an extremely attractive French girl called Dominique, is engrossed. The couple have lived together for two years. Crippled old marriage questions permeate the air.

“I don’t believe in marriage,” says Roger. “It’s simply a contract and the fewer contracts I enter into the better. If you get on well with someone then there isn’t any harm in living with that person – but marriage is something else again.”

They live in a six bedroomed Victorian house just outside London, which is set in 20 acres. Roger has a “tiny” town house in Barnes as well. What’s it like having a bank full of money at the age of 29?

“I don’t hide away from life. Queen have never been one of those ‘being grabbed in the street’ type bands. It may happen when the four of us are together – but when we are out alone we are seldom bothered. That gives me the opportunity to enjoy myself. I go to clubs a lot. I like having a good time. I don’t think you could describe any of the band as leading sheltered lives.

“But I have completely lost touch with how much things cost. When you find yourself living in hotels for so long you never really deal in money as such. Everything is available whenever you want it – but you never see the cash actually being handed over.

“I’ve forgotten what it was like to be penniless which Queen were for years. I guess that must happen to many successful rock bands.”

Another thing that happens to many successful rock bands – they quit the country. But not Queen it appears.

“We have always based ourselves in England and I see no reason why we shouldn’t continue to do so. We could leave at any time but we choose to stay. People believe we are tax exiles because we spend a lot of the time out of the country recording in studios all over Europe and touring.”

And what will happen when the band finally trudge wearily down the road leading to that  ivory strewn elephants’ graveyard . . . ?

“I know it’s bound to happen one day. I suppose I’d take a long, long holiday . . . and then make a solo album.”

#queen #queen band #roger taylor #dominique beyrand #freddie mercury #brian may #john deacon #record mirror #record mirror july 1979 #queen scans

[emotions-ew]

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus,  and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman. 

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile 

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces. 

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists. 

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world. 

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists. 

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

-        The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

-        Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

 Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of 

 Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer. 

 All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be. 

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

-        Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

-        Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

-        Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

-        Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

-        Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

 Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

-          Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

-          Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

  How do I Get There; Deana Carter

-          This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

#country #country music #music #singer #lgtbqia #lesbian #queer #gay #brandi carlile #brandy clark #chely wright #owns my entire heart #deana carter #country songs #playlist #compilation #steve grand #lavender country #brooke eden #trixie mattel #katie pruitt #semler #gay country music #gay country songs #add to this playlist and this post i want to know everyones favourite country songs and artists who are gay as hell

[path-of-my-childhood]

How Aaron Dessner and Taylor Swift Stripped Down Her Sound on ‘Folklore’

By: Jon Blistein for Rolling Stone Date: July 24th 2020

At the beginning of March, the National’s Aaron Dessner traveled back to the United States from Paris, where he’d been living with his family, to shack up at Sonic Ranch Studio in Tornillo, Texas to work on the next Big Red Machine album with Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon. Those plans - obviously - soon shifted, as the reality of the COVID-19 pandemic set in. Dessner and his family were able to relocate to their home in upstate New York as lockdown orders went into effect, and the musician soon settled into a groove of homeschooling his kids and able to focus fully on music in a way he hadn’t in a while, due to the National’s regularly rigorous touring schedule.

In the middle of what Dessner describes as one of the most productive moments of his career, Taylor Swift called. A longtime and avowed fan of the National, Swift asked if Dessner wanted to try collaborating on a few songs remotely. He said of course, and asked if she was looking for anything in particular. He noted that he had plenty of material at the ready, but acknowledged he’d been in a more experimental mood, due to the Big Red Machine sessions; not to mention, Dessner added, he’d never really ventured into the pop world Swift has dominated for well over a decade. She told him to send everything he had.

“I think she was interested in the emotions that she feels in some of the music that I’ve made,” Dessner tells Rolling Stone.” So I just sent her a folder of things I’d done recently and was excited about. Hours after, she sent back a fully written version of ‘Cardigan.’ It was like a lightning bolt struck the house.”

Over the next few months, Dessner and Swift crafted the bulk of Swift’s eighth studio album, Folklore. Dessner spoke with Rolling Stone about working with Swift, their instant chemistry, how the album developed under a thick cloud of secrecy and more.

When Taylor first reached out, did she have a specific vision in mind for the album? She was a bit cryptic. I didn’t know that we were actually working on a record for quite a while. It just seemed that she was seeking me out to collaborate. And then we were both feeling very inspired by it. Once there were six or seven songs that we had written over a couple of weeks, she said, “Hey can we talk?” Then she said, ‘This is what I’m imagining,’ and started to tell me about the concept of Folklore. Then she mentioned that she’d written some songs at an earlier stage with Jack [Antonoff], and they felt like they really fit together with what we were doing. It was a very inspiring, exhilarating collaborative process that was almost entirely remote. Very sort of warp speed, but also something about it felt like we were going toe-to-toe and in a good pocket.

After “Cardigan,” how did these songs develop and do you think she pushed you in any new directions as a songwriter? When you’re working with someone new, it takes a second to understand their instincts and range. It’s not really conscious. She wrote “Cardigan,” and then “Seven,” then “Peace.” They kind of set a road map, because “Cardigan” was this kind of experimental ballad, the closest thing to a pop song on the record, but it’s not really. It’s this emotional thing, but it has some strange sounds in it. “Seven” is this kind of nostalgic, emotional folk song. Even before she sang to it, I felt this nostalgia, wistful feeling in it, and I think that’s what she gravitated towards. And “Peace,” that just showed me the incredible versatility that she had. That song is just three harmonized bass lines and a pulse. I love to play bass like that - play one line then harmonize another, and another, which is a behavior I stole from Justin Vernon, because he’s done that on other things we’ve done together. And actually, that’s his pulse, he sent me that pulse and said, “Do something with this.” But when she wrote that song, which kind of reminds me of a Joni Mitchell song over a harmonized bassline and a pulse, that was kind of like, “Woah, anything can happen here.” That’s not easy to do. 

So, in the morning I would wake up and try to be productive. “Mad Woman” is one I wrote shortly after that, in terms of sound world, felt very related to “Cardigan” and “Seven.” I do have a way of playing piano where it’s very melodic and emotional, but then often it’s great if whoever’s singing doesn’t sing exactly what’s in the piano melody, but maybe it’s connected in some way. There was just some chemistry happening with her and how she was relating to those ideas.

“Epiphany” was something she had an idea for, and then I imagined these glacial, Icelandic sounds with distended chords and this almost classical feeling. That was another one where we wrote it and conceived it together. She just has a very instinctive and sharp musical mind, and she was able to compose so closely to what I was presenting. What I was doing was clicking for her. It was exhilarating for us, and it was surreal - we were shocked by it, to be honest [Laughs]. I think the warmth, humanity and raw energy of her vocals, and her writing on this record, from the very first voice memos - it was all there.

Do you think that chemistry might’ve had something to do with her being a National fan, and you being a fan of her music? We met Taylor at Saturday Night Live in 2014, or whenever that was that we played and Lena Dunham was hosting. We got to meet her, and that was our first brush with a bona fide pop star. But then she came to see us play in Brooklyn last summer and was there in a crazy rainstorm, like torrential downpour, and watched the whole show and stayed for a long time afterwards, talking to me and my brother. She was incredibly charming and humble. That’s the nice thing about her, and a lot of people I’ve met that have that kind of celebrity. It’s great when you can just tune it out and be normal people and chat, and that’s how that felt. So, we knew that she was a big fan, and we really got into the 1989 album. Our Icelandic collaborator, Ragnar Kjartansson, is a crazy Swiftie. So we’ve kind of lived vicariously through him. I’ve always been astonished by how masterful she is in her craft. I’ve always listened to her albums and put them in this rarefied category, like, “How did she do that? How does anybody do that? How do you make ‘Blank Space?’” There was an element that was intimidating at first, where it just took me a second to be like… Not because I think her music is better than what we’ve done, but it’s just a different world.

Were there particular songs, albums or artists the two of you discussed as reference points for this album? “Betty,” which is a song she wrote with William Bowery, she was interested in sort of early Bob Dylan, like Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan, I think. “Epiphany,” early on, felt like some weird Kate Bush-meets-Peter Gabriel thing. I think we talked a little about those things, but not a lot. Actually, I think she really trusted me as far as my instincts to where the music would ultimately go, and also the mixing process.  We really wanted to keep her voice as human, and kind of the opposite of plastic, as possible. That was a bit of a battle. Because everything in pop music tends to be very carved out, a smiley face, and as pushed as possible so that it translates to the radio or wherever you hear it. That can also happen with a National song - like if you changed how these things are mixed, they wouldn’t feel like the same song. And she was really trusting and heard it herself. She would make those calls herself, also.

You mentioned William Bowery - who is he? He’s a songwriter, and actually because of social distancing, I’ve never met him. He actually wrote the original idea for “Exile,” and then Taylor took it and ran with it. I don’t actually know to be totally honest.

We’ve been trying to track him down, he doesn’t have much of an internet presence. Yeah, I don’t fully know him, other than he wrote “Betty” and “Exile” with her. But you know she’s a very collaborative person, so it was probably some songwriter.

So it’s not an alias for anyone? No, no, no. I mean, I don’t know - she didn’t tell me there was a “Cardigan” video until literally it came out, and I wrote the song with her [laughs]. So I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure he’s an actual songwriter. She enjoys little mysteries.

With the National, you and your brother write the music, Matt Berninger adds the lyrics, and then you fuse it - was it a similar process on Folklore? Taylor is very collaborative in that sense that, whenever she sent a voice memo, she would send all the lyrics and then ask me what I thought. And sometimes we would debate certain lines, although generally she’s obviously a strong writer. So she would ask me if I liked one line, and she would give me alternate lines and I would give her my opinion. And then when she was actually tracking vocals, I would sometimes suggest things or miss things, but she definitely has a lot of respect for the collaborative process and wants whoever she’s writing with to feel deeply included in that process. It was nice, and was a back and forth, for sure. And she would sometimes have ideas about the production if she didn’t like something, especially. She would, in a tactful way, bring that up. I appreciated that, too, since I wanted to try to turn over every leaf, take risks and sometimes get it wrong. That always takes a second, to get over and then you start again.

You mentioned earlier that once you had six, seven songs, she was able to describe a concept behind the album. I’m curious what that conversation was like. She would always explain what each song was about to me, even before she articulated the Folklore concept. And I could tell early on that they were these narrative songs, often told from a different… not in the first person. So there are different characters in the songs that appear in others. You may have a character in “Betty” that’s also related to one in “Cardigan,” for example. And I think that was, in her mind, very, very important. It doesn’t seem like, for this record at least, that she was inspired to write something until she really knew what it was about. And I think I’m used to a more - at least lately - impressionistic and experimental world of making stuff without really knowing what it is. But this was more direct, in that sense. That was really helpful, to know what it was about and it would guide some of the choices we were making.

Every time she would send something, she would narrate a little bit, like how it fit, or what it was about. And then when she told me about Folklore as a concept, it made so much sense. Like “The Last Great American Dynasty,” for example, this kind of narrative song that then becomes personal at the end - it flips and she enters the song. These are kind of these folkloric, almost mythical tales that are woven in of childhood, lost love, and different sentiments across the record. It was binding it all together and I think it’s personal, but also through the guise of other people, friends and loved ones.

You were working in secret - how did that affect the process? Was that a difficult burden? It was. I was humbled and honored and grateful for the opportunity and for the crazy sort of alchemy we were having. But it was hard not to be able to talk openly with my usual collaborators, even my brother at first. I didn’t know if I could really tell him, because we normally… Ultimately, he helped me quite a bit, he orchestrated songs. But we always help each other. But eventually, we figured out how to do it. Towards the end of the process, I said to Taylor, ‘I really feel that I need to try a few experiment and try to elevate a few moments on the record because we have time, and we’ve really done a ton of work here, and it all sounds great, but I think we can go even further.’ And then she said, ‘Well what does that mean?’ And I explained how that would work, and the way that we work. Our process is very community-oriented, and we have long-time collaborators that we have a good understanding with. So I was able to say, to my friends, ‘This is a song I’m working on, I can’t send it to you with the vocals, and I can’t tell you what it is, but I can explain what I’m imagining.’ And the same with my brother, he knows my music so well that that was very easy for him to just take things that we were working on, add to that, and do his kind of work. So it was all remote and everyone was in their corner and we were shipping things around. It was incredibly fast because of that, because you didn’t have eight people needing to come to the studio. You had eight people working simultaneously - one in France and one in L.A. and one in Brooklyn. This is how it went, and it was fun. We got there.

When were you able to tell everyone who contributed that this was the Taylor Swift record, what was their reaction? You can imagine. I think they realized it was something big because [of] the confidentiality, and they were like, ‘It could only be a few things.’ I couldn’t tell them until, basically, when she announced it. Just in the moments after she announced it, I basically told everyone. I was like, ‘By the way…’ And they were thrilled. Everyone’s thrilled. Nobody seemed mad, everyone was thrilled and honored. Even Justin Vernon had not heard anything else except “Exile,” even though the pulse of that song “Peace,” he gave that song to me. It was important to have it be a surprise, and you know how it can be with someone in her position, with all the speculation, and she’s always under a lot of pressure like that. So it was really important to the creative freedom she was feeling that this remained a secret, so she could just do what we were doing.

Being such longtime friends and collaborators with Justin, what was it like hearing “Exile” for the first time? His voice and Taylor’s together? He’s so versatile and has such a crazy range, and puts so much emotion… Every time he sings when I’m in his presence, my head just kind of hits the back of the wall. That’s the same on this song. William Bowery and Taylor wrote that song together, got it to a certain point, then I sort of interpreted it and developed a recording of it, and then Taylor tracked both the male and female parts. And then we sent it to Justin and he re-did obviously the male parts and changed a few things and also added his own: He wrote the “step right out” part of the bridge, and Taylor re-sang to that. You feel like, in a weird way, you’re watching two of the greatest songwriters and vocalists of our generation collaborating. I was facilitating it and making it happen, and playing all the music. But it was definitely a “Wow.” I was just a fan at that point, seeing it happen.

Are there any moments that really stick out to you as particularly pivotal in shaping the sound of this record? The initial response. When we first connected, and I sent a folder of music and Taylor wrote “Cardigan,” and she said, “This is abnormal. Why do you have all these songs that are so emotional and so moving to me? This feels fated.” And then she just dove into it and embraced this emotional current. And I hope that’s what people take out of it: The humanity in her writing and melodies. It’s a different side to her. She could have been every bit as successful just making these kinds of songs, but it’s so great that she’s also made everything that she’s ever made, and this is a really interesting shift, and an emotional one. It also opens other doors, because now it’s kind of like she can go wherever she wants, creatively. The pressure to make a certain kind of… bop - or whatever you want to call it - is not there really anymore. And I think that’s really liberating, and I hope her fans and the world are excited by that because I am. It’s really special.

#Aaron Dessner #interview #about taylor #taylor swift #Rolling Stone magazine #folklore album #folklore era #songwriter #coronavirus #release week

[ifuckinglovestvincent]

NY TIMES: St. Vincent Is Trying to Understand People

As she releases her sixth album, “Daddy’s Home,” the musician expounds on the lengthy documentaries, Janet Jackson bust and Joni Mitchell album that feed her creativity.

By Olivia Horn

May 4, 2021, 10:00 a.m. ET

Despite the hardships of the past year, Annie Clark’s sixth studio album came together with remarkable ease. “Maybe I earned a fun one,” Clark, who records under the name St. Vincent, mused. “Usually there’s some kind of ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ moment. And there just wasn’t.”

Clark, 38, spent much of 2020 shuttling between her home in Los Angeles and her family’s in Texas. But the record (“Daddy’s Home,” due May 14) was born at Electric Lady Studios in Manhattan, where she and her repeat collaborator Jack Antonoff landed on 1970s New York as their lodestar. The resulting songs ease away from the angular art-pop of “Masseduction” from 2017, opting for gentler, slouchier rock. The relative softness corresponds to Clark’s effort to treat the troubled, complicated characters that populate her record with care. Among them are the broke and lovelorn protagonist of the lead single “Pay Your Way in Pain,” Nina Simone, Marilyn Monroe and her own father, whose release from prison in 2019 inspired the title track.

Clark confessed that she did not meet her quarantine goals of learning conversational Italian or writing a tour bus cookbook, but she did read some books about the gulag. Calling from her “utilitarian” Los Angeles studio, she detailed 10 of her favorite things to watch, read and hear — many of her picks reflecting a fascination with history and an eagerness to unpack social and aesthetic violence. These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

1. William Scott Sculptures

I discovered William Scott’s work through David Byrne, at his place in New York. And when we were on tour with “Love This Giant,” we went to Creative Growth in Oakland [a nonprofit that supports artists with disabilities]. I had my eye on this bust of Janet Jackson. And then when I was back, I went and bought a bust of CeCe Winans. So I have these busts in my library.

A lot of the artists whose work I collect are people who are marginalized from society in one way or another. What I like about it is that the expression feels very pure. These are people who might not have all of the tools at their disposal or the education, or any of that, but they are compelled to make work. That kind of irrepressible urge in people — that I just find so inspiring and heartening and cool. And it’s completely divorced from any of the status of the quote, unquote, “art world.”

2. Adam Curtis’s Documentary Series “Century of the Self”

The way his work has been described is as emotional history or impressionistic history. The lines that he draws between events and trends are not exactly “A plus B equals C,�� but the general thesis is like, “the collective consciousness is saying this.” As a writer, I’m always trying to understand systems and understand people.

3. Ric Burns’s “New York: A Documentary Film”

I used to live in a rent-controlled place in the East Village. But it was shady how I lived there, so I was never able to get utilities in my name. I lived there for 10 years and I didn’t have the internet, so I had DVDs. I used to go to Kim’s Video all the time and buy DVDs so when I would wake up hung over and be like, “Oh, just can’t quite make it out of bed today,” I would have something to put on. If I wanted to watch something it wasn’t like “Netflix and chill.” I associate that Ric Burns documentary with being either hung over or tired or both, and watching it in my bed.

4. Joni Mitchell’s “Hejira”

This is one of those Joni Mitchell records that I didn’t hear until I was in my early 20s. Everybody knows “Blue” and “Ladies of the Canyon,” but this is when I became a Joni Mitchell fan, with a capital F. This record’s just so deep. Her lyrics are … Cubist. I’m thinking of the one where she’s like, “In the mirrors of a modern bank/From the window of a hotel room.” And it’s all wiggles, you know? It’s like water, that record. And I don’t mean to make it about me, but I feel like I can understand some of the things that Joni talks about, like the refuge of the road, or watching the world from an airplane or being in a hotel room.

5. Maggie Nelson’s “The Art of Cruelty”

This is one of those books that I picked up six times and would get through a few pages and be like, “This is really brilliant,” but it felt impenetrable at first. Then I had this one weekend where the clouds parted, and I just could see it and plowed through it. It talks about the ethics of being an artist in a way that is so brilliant, and so not orthodox or finger wagging. I think it’s one of those books you can revisit at various points of your life.

6. Her Own STV Signature Series Guitar

Part of it was inspired by Klaus Nomi’s tuxedo. And I wanted it to hit my sternum in a particular way. I am cis female, so the way that it hits the sternum and then has a little bit of a cutaway, it makes room for my breast. But just one of them. There’s only room for one! I love it. It’s the only electric that I play, with very rare exception.

I saw people’s pictures of it from the Met [in the exhibition “Play It Loud: Instruments of Rock & Roll”], because I never got a chance to go and see it in real life. Most of the time, I just kind of like quietly put my head down and work — and then every once in a while, I look up and see something that I’ve made, and it’s mysterious that it’s in the world.

7. Wim Wenders’s “Pina”

I love Pina Bausch’s work. I was really inspired by “The Rite of Spring,” where the virgin dances herself to death. There’s this one particular movement that was like, drawing your hand above your head, and then when you pull it down, your elbow goes into your stomach — sort of like you’re open and then you’re impaling yourself. It just moved me to tears. So when I worked with my friend Annie-B Parson to choreograph the Digital Witness Tour, I was like, “Can we please incorporate this?” Another big thing: I was obsessed with falling. That was another big part of the Bausch work. How do you fall and make it look violent but not hurt yourself? I’d get a rehearsal room with Annie-B and just practice falling.

8. Vintage RCA 77-D Microphone

It’s an old ribbon mic, and it just sounds so good and warm. I know these are words that might not mean that much — when people describe sound as warm, it’s reductive. But it makes things sound and feel true. I don’t mean that it has perfect fidelity. What I mean is that when you sing into this microphone, what comes back at you feels honest. My friend Cian Riordan, who mixed “Daddy’s Home,” hipped me to this mic.

9. “Hidden Brain” Podcast

There was one recently about the idea of honor culture. You know, if someone is insulting someone’s masculinity and masculinity is tied up with honor, you have to avenge that insult. A lot of these “honor societies” end up with more violence because you have to save face and there’s less ways to assimilate conflict. The premise of so much of “Hidden Brain” is that we live by the stories we tell ourselves. And as a storyteller, that idea is very liberating to me, because if we live by the stories we tell ourselves, it means that when we get new information, we can assimilate that information and tell ourselves new stories.

10. Piazza della Signoria in Florence

The first time I was there was with my mom and sisters. I remember just walking through this piazza and having a wonderful time and wonderful conversation, and really being awe-struck by the architecture and the history, and just that life was beautiful. Another time, a number of years later, I was on tour with David Byrne and we had our last show in Florence, and I remember walking through with band members and then having the best dinner of my life after. It’s one of those places where, at very pivotal points of my life, I’ve been there and only beautiful things have happened to me.

#st vincent #annie clark #interviews #i like when interviews/articles contain lil nugs no one has heard about before #such as this one with the shady living situaish in the rent controlled apt #and KIM’S VIDEO #WHICH I ALSO WENT TO WHEN I LIVED IN NY #I feel like we’d always go there to get weird obscure hard to find movies #also: #re:re: ‘warm’​ think the term she is looking for is ‘like butter on tiddies’ #’WELL ITS WARM’ #are those m&ms ive done those #nice brain btw #🦦

[cncoluv]

CNCO Sleep Over Spring Break

Warnings: Fluffy 

Setting: Four Seasons in Florida/Disney

Background: Thank goodness it is one day away from officially being spring break because I'm so sick of college right now. If I have to think about another advanced research methods class, my head will explode. It has been a crazy year and I have not talked to the boys that much between them being on tour and me having classes. I will call them after their shows and interviews every once in a while. But we all agreed that it has been forever since we have seen each other and that we need to spend time together since I have almost two weeks off of college and work. We all agreed that we should spend some time together during their tour in Florida since that was a place that I had not been to since I was young.

(Y/N)

We all agreed that another sleepover was absolutely necessary so we could revert back to being children again to sing and dance all over again and not have a care in the world. It was refreshing because I have not had a break or a fun time in a long while, and I am sure they need one as well with the constant touring. While packing my clothes for tomorrow, I decided that we would go to a fancy restaurant and it would be my treat. I am sure I am going to have to fight them since they do not like me to pay for all of them at once because they are stubborn.  For the restaurant, I am bringing the most beautiful dress that I own, a deep purple dress with diamonds that gleam all over that in any light. The top of the dress has an off of the shoulder fit and it has leg slits on both sides that show your thighs, which is almost scandalous because it is very high up on the leg. It is a form-fitting dress so it shows off all of your curves in the correct way. You pick your 5-inch stiletto black heels to go with the outfit, and it matches perfectly, so you are super excited. You pick out your other outfits which are summer clothes mostly shorts and crop tops or tank tops with sandals or pretty dresses. You pick the first outfit that you were going to be wearing that next morning to see them which was a black and white checkered crop top with biker shorts and black converses.

When everything is packed and you wind down from the day you finally get to sleep, you get up early the following day, ready to go to the airport. You get up and get dressed to get on your flight, and you are wearing white shorts with a light and dark blue ombre crop top with white flip-flops. As you get on your flight, you are a little nervous, but you get over it pretty quickly because everything is going smoothly, and you are still excited to see the boys. You are slowly starting to come down off cloud nine by remembering you have feelings for one of the members, Zabdiel.

He was so shy and did not show his feelings that much to the rest of the world, but to you and his family. He was always bubbly and fun to be around; one of the last things you remember was the kiss he left you with. You thought about that kiss for a while after it happened because it was one of the softest kisses that you did not want to end. His lips felt like the light mist of cotton candy that touches your lips, leaving you wanting more. When you reminisce over the kiss and how he acted the last time you meet, you realize that Zab might have been slightly jealous. The kiss sealed the deal of how he felt about you and how you felt about him, and leaving so suddenly after might have changed that, so right now, there are more questions that you have to ask him.

(Richard POV)

I really wish (Y/N) would get here. I need to see her and miss her so much. I’m glad that she agreed to come and join us. We haven't talked as much this year but especially since the towel dropped. I am still super embarrassed about it, but we talked about it, and she seemed as if she was okay but I still do not fully know how she felt. I don't want to lose her as a friend because of it, so I want to make sure she is okay. But I know last time I tried to talk to her, Zab got upset because he has a crush on her. I don't want to get in the way that he is always so much happier when (Y/N) is around.

(Zabdiel POV)

I can't believe that (Y/N) will be here really soon. We have not seen her in almost one year. I missed (Y/N) so much, and I still have not forgotten about that kiss from last year; it was terrific. Her lips felt like smooth silk with just the slightest touch of soft and velvety flower petals, and I still remember the hint of strawberry that I tasted from her flavored lipstick. I still feel the same way about her and she makes me feel different than any other girl I have been with before. I just hope that she somewhat understands how I feel about her, if not then it will be hard to explain to her without embarrassing myself.

--- Skips to the next day---

(Y/N) POV

I am driving to Florida so I packed everything and headed out at 1 a.m. since it is an 8-hour drive and we want to spend the whole day together. I wanna go to sleep after this drive because so many people do not know how to drive. Like did they get their license from a freaking cracker jack box? But besides that, I had a music playlist setup and CNCO was the most of the songs. I liked their renditions of other songs from the Déjà Vu album. So that whole album was played about 3 times on repeat.

Once I got kind of close I was going to call the boys and let them know that I was only 45 minutes away from the Four Seasons at Orlando. When Richard answered the phone I heard Christopher laughing in the background which made me laugh. Then I told Richard I was only about 40-45 minutes away and he said okay cool see you soon (Y/N). I found it strange because he would normally talk to me for about 5-10 minutes before getting off of the phone. But I kept driving wondering why he ended the call so abruptly was it something I had done?

When I got there I let them know that I was outside and about 2 minutes later I saw them come outside the building. I went to hug the first person I had seen which was Erick, he had this adorable smile he looked different from the last time. He seemed more confident in who he was which was radiating off of him. Then I saw Joel had changed and had gotten more buff and had grown out his facial hair. He said, "I missed you”. You smiled and hugged each other.

When you look over you see Christopher and you both immediately start laughing at each other for no reason like normal. He hasn't changed much since the last time I saw him. He is still goofy and adorable and you hug him laughing. After laughing with Chris you look over to see Richard he looks at you and then looks down for a moment, you ask him if he is okay. He says yeah and you give him a confused look but you still hug him. Then you see Zabdiel, he smiles at me and stretches out his arms, and blurts out "I love you". Dead silence fell between the six of you, you stared at him and were about to speak he quickly turned and ran into the hotel. You are about to go after him but they tell you to wait a few minutes. You reluctantly agree and grab your bags, they help out but you ask Richard to stay back real quick to chat.

The other boys look but don't say anything, you ask him what is going on because he has been acting differently recently. He said in a higher pitch than normal "everything is okay'' you step in front of him and tell him to stop lying to you. He sighs and lets you know that he was still thinking of what happened last time with the towel. I reassured him that it was okay and for him not to be embarrassed about it and let's have a fun trip.

He smiles and you both shake on it and pinky promises not to bring it up again. Both of us are back inside and y'all are both starting to get into the elevator and he is asking how college is going. You tell him why you needed a break and get out of the elevator and he says "That sounds like a lot to do dang" you laugh and said, "so do you and the other boys, another album videos and choreography." He smiles and when you arrive at the Presidential Suite he gets the key card and puts it in the door.

It looked stunning and you marvel at all of the stuff that was inside, you smile but then and see all of the boys except Zab. You ask where he went and they said the room right there and all point at it even though the room is supposed to fit 2 people we made accommodations. I walked back there and asked Zab if he was okay. He just stared at me for a moment. He got up and walked towards me and as he was walking I could see a smirk starting to form on his face. When he came up to me threw me against the wall and kissed me…

Stay tuned for part 3!

#cnco #cnco fanfic #cncowners #cnco imagine #cnco fluff #christopher velez #richard camacho #joel pimentel #zabdiel de jesus #erick brian colon #cnco richard #cnco chris #cnco erick #cnco zabdiel #cnco joel

[chemiste]

Voicemail. ~part 2~

a/n : you want it? go get it! heres the second part to voicemail!! I’m thinking a 3rd and final part for this??? if y’all want it tell me! ALSO I’ve linked what the reader is wearing and maybe what others are too so if you see a link thats what it is. also wanted to say thank you so much for the support on this one shot!! i would put those big eye emojis but im typing on a laptop and i dont think O.O is the same....

first part!!!! go read

mah masterlist

“Next on the red carpet is singer/song writer Y/N L/N, wow look at that beautiful dress!! This year at the Grammys she is up for 3 awards, Song of the Year, Best Dance Recording, and Best Solo Pop Artist!” 

The interviewer exclaimed excitedly from her podium along side the paparazzi wall. It had been a week since the songs were let out for the world and so there was definitely an electricity in the air at the awards ceremony.

“All you fans are probably watching for the most anticipated performances of tonight! Harry Styles will be singing one of his new songs from his album FineLine! Twitter is going ballistic from the recently leaked songs about is break up with L/N, we all know the cameras will be on her tonight whenever he’s mentioned! Oh look, here she comes now!”

You walked over in your beautiful award dress, safe to say you were the best dress star there. Your hair was done up and the red long dress seemed to flow around you effortlessly as you walked. 

“Hello Diane, it’s lovely to see you again.” 

You said in a polite voice, smiling to her and the camera, she handed you an extra mic, ready to drown you with questions.

“I’m going to cut to the chase— did you listen to the songs?”

Wow, this lady’s cut throat I’ll give her that.

“Oh yes! I’ve listened to all the albums nominated this year and I’m so excited.”

“Oh I was talking about—“

“I’m so incredibly grateful for the nominations, I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this album and I’m glad the fans love it as much as I do.”

You could see the Diane deflate a little, understanding you’d keep dodging questions about Harry until it was over so she moved on. 

“Yes, you’re nominated for Best Dance Recording, the music video for your song Clouds was crazy! How long did it take you to figure out how to dance while flying?!” 

You laughed, thinking back to the many rehearsals of choreography on the ground and then being connected to cables and hoisted into the air to perform it. 

“A girl never tells her secrets,” you said with a wink. 

“Well speaking of flying in a music video, I know one performance tonight will be—“

Cheers and hysteric screaming filled the fan area as someone came on to the carpet. 

“Is that? Oh look, Harry Styles enters the stage in a—, my goodness! You and him are matching!”

You couldn’t believe it.

Harry was decked out in a full red suit, hair beautifully fluffed and glimmering in the light. He had red heels that looked like Dorthy’s slippers.

And he had the faintest amount of red lipstick on, making him look like an ethereal being in red.

“Wow, we really are matching.” 

You mumbled to yourself, half forgetting you were being filmed. 

You turned back to the camera the moment you remembered, making your face emotionless so hopefully the interviewer wouldn’t pick up on your thoughts at the moment. 

You quickly thanked her and slipped off into the sea of celebrities, hearing his voice ‘hello love! So happy you could come’ to the fans hoping he would give them a signature.

You entered the award room, looking for your assigned seat. Luckily you were strangely one of the only people in there aside from a few techies working on the stage lights.

“Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Billie Elish, Kahild… Harry….” 

You gasped, basically scoffing at what you saw next. 

“Y/N L/N? Are you fucking kidding me?!” 

You started to breathe a little faster, “Oh god, I don’t think I can do a whole ceremony next to him, after the whole thing online… and not responding to his texts.”

It’s true, when he had texted you that morning, it took you 5 hours and a shot of tequila to actually open his messages.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Hey… I don’t know if you’ve gotten a call from one of your PR people yet but, I just wanted you to know I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I don’t wish to put you through anymore than what I already have…

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

Um, but uh, if you’ve listened to the songs, just know that I really do mean the words I sang. I wish we could have, uh talked, but I understand I’m not in any position to ask for that. Just, there were a few others songs that didn’t get leaked, and uh, I’d like you to have them. You don’t have to listen to them but, it would mean a lot to me if you did.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

“Mrs. Styles.”M4A. Click to open.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

“I Should Have Fought.”M4A. Click to open.

Bastard (wasn’t allowed to block, fuck PR)

“I’m Sorry.”M4A. Click to open.

You didn’t listen to them, like the others. 

You just… couldn’t. 

It had taken you so long to get over him and grind it into your head that you didn’t do anything wrong, he did. 

Your PR team decided the best thing to do was acted like nothing had happened because if you didn’t give a response the public would have nothing to go off of, so here you were, looking at one of the scheming ideas from someone on the Award Team to see if they’d be the first to get some action between the two of you.

“Fuck that.” 

You said to yourself, looking around to make sure no one was looking, you snatched your name paper and walked about 15 seats over and changed with Lana Del Ray. 

Because you were all in the front row, you couldn’t get farther than that, but this would have to do. You quickly put Lana’s paper in your previous seat and walked out of the room, escaping the ‘crime scene’.

At least I’m sitting next to Shawn now.

You and Shawn had gotten to be friends around a year ago when you bumped into him at the recording studio and....maybe spilled your marshmallow milkshake down his shirt.

“I’m so fuckin sorry! Oh god please don’t sue me for this, or worst, tell your fans!!” 

You rambled, padding him off with the napkins from your fast food bag. You looked up at the tall Canadian in front of you that just had a smile on his face.

 “Hey don’t worry about it, uh, I’m Shawn but I guess you already knew that.” 

“Yeah, I’ve been listening to your music for a while its fantastic, I’m—“ 

“Y/N L/N, America’s Favorite Child and Feminist thats not faired to fuck you up?” 

You grinned, “Oh you saw that video?” 

He laughed, “Hell ya I did, You punching that old misogynist groping that girl on the street is one of the videos saved on my phone!”

After that day, you both caught on like a house on fire since you seemed to be in the studio at the same time, it was great having someone to throw ideas around with at 3am when everyone else had left the studio.

“Y/N! Girl! I haven’t seen you in forever!” 

You looked up from the corner of the red carpet you had been hiding standing in. Hailee Steinfeld made her way over to you in a black dress that hugged her perfectly. 

You let out a sigh of relief, you gave her a big hug, breathing in her sweet perfume. 

“Hailee you’re a life savor, I feel so out of it here.” 

She gave you a soft look, “Cause he’s here right?”

You clinched your jaw, “And we’re fucking matching! How did that even happen? It’s literally the same shade of my dress and everything! There are so many shades his team could have chose but they went with that one! And the lipstick! He’s basically a devil personified! But he’s got style!”

You quietly rambled to your fellow singer, she squeezed your hand when the bell chimed telling everyone it was time to enter. 

“Y/N, before we go in I wanted to ask if you had listened to the songs.” 

“Uh, no… I… I couldn’t hear his voice staying those things to me so I just read the lyrics.” 

Hailee gave your bare shoulder a squeeze, “Well, I don’t want to play devil’s advocate,” you smiled at her little quip, “but I did, and what’s not in the lyrics just written is the emotion you could hear in his voice. During Drunk Thoughts, theres a part that people are speculating he’s crying while recording, trying force sing it out and, it’s just, I think it’s time you spoke to him.”

Hailee was one of your most trusted friends and to hear her say this, wasn’t surprising.

You were starting to think it too.

“But, I’m scared H, what if makes it worse?”

The final bell chimed and you both started to walk inside. “I have a feeling it won’t."

                                                        ........

“What an incredible performance by Ariana Grande, next up is the show we’ve all been waiting for, or well I’ve been waiting for, here’s Harry Styles performing a new song from his nominated Album, FineLine!” 

James Corden announced from the side aisle. You felt Shawn subtly queen your hand, knowing there was bound to be a camera on you the whole time while Harry sang.

You took a deep breath,

No facials.

No twitching.

Calm.

The curtain came up from the stage, the set was a back cube cut diagonally so the audience could see the inside. 

Harry stood in a white suit sans a shirt. He wasn’t wearing shoes so you could see the painted red toe nails peeking out from underneath the too long suit pants. 

His hair had been messed with a bit, giving it a soft and fluffy just out of bed look.

Now he looks like an angel.

He held a red mic in his hand, and spoke into it.

“Before we start, I’d like to inform you that I will be singing an unreleased song not from my album called.”

He took a breath.

"Red.”

You curled your toes in your heels the only way you’d be allowed to release the tension you felt in your body since they were covered by your dress.

Fuck, that’s why we match.

A piano started playing, a sort of dark melody that reverberated through your bones and into your soul.

It’s all I can see,

It’s all I can hear,

The sound is loud,

But it’s not clear.

The tone of your voice,

Plays in my head,

That look in your eyes,

I can tell you want me dead.

Grays are the only color I see,

Black and white and in between.

But then I saw you in that dress.

The color of blood always suited you the best.

You and your red dress.

You and your red…… dress.

Thoughts swirl around, in my mind.

Pretty eyes and satin clothes,

They plagues my dreams, in the night.

Grays are the only color I see,

Black and white and in between.

But then I saw you in that dress.

The color of blood always suited you the best.

You and your red dress.

You and your red…… dress.

You watched as he struggled to hold back the emotion in his voice, you sucked in a small breathe when his eyes made contact with yours, unwavering.

Oh… I wish could take it back.

Oh… I wish I could take it back.

Oh… I wish could take it back.

Oh… I wish I could take it back.

You and your red dress.

You and your red…… dress.

You and your red dress.

You and your red…… dress.

The song ended and the audience was silent.

 Everyone could feel the tension in the room, so you did the only you could do.

You stood and started to clap.

Shawn and Hailee immediately followed your cue and soon the rest of the auditorium was erupting with cheers and roars of excitement.

But all you could focus on was the smile on his face, looking down at you.

And the one forming on yours too.

<3

3rd part right here!

alsoooo i’d like to say a big wtf to people that white wash reader inserts! it’s so damn easy to just put a little colleague together like i did and add it so everyone can envision themselves and like,,, need a hairstyle? literally say ‘you did your favorite hairstyle’ thats perfect and a neutral way to keep everyone happy!!! people that bitch about going the extra mile are worthless writers smh

#harry styles fanfic #harry styles x reader #harry styles one shot #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles x famous!reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry x reader #harry x y/n #harry x famous!reader #harry styles oneshot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic #one direction #h s #1d x reader

[scapegrace74-blog]

Don’t Call It Love

A/N  With Saorsa done and dusted, it’s time to return to the Metric Universe.  When we last left Jamie and Claire in October 2017, they were sharing comforting silence and attending a Depeche Mode concert together.  Will things fall easily into place now that they have tripped over the line from being roommates to being friends?   Oh, hell no.  What would be the fun in that? 

All other parts of the Metric Universe are available on my AO3 page.

The song by Zero 7 (another guest artist!) that inspired the title is here.

Winter, 2017 - London, England

It happened by accident.  Happenstance.  Serendipity.   Fate.  The words she used to explain the fact that she and Jamie started seeing each other outside of the flat in social circumstances that would typically be characterized as dates varied, but her opinion remained fixed.  They weren’t dates.  Jamie was her roommate, a good friend, a fellow enthusiast of the culturally obscure, and a brilliant pub trivia partner.  They had both agreed that a romantic relationship between them would be disastrous; ergo, there was nothing romantic about their increasingly frequent outings.  If she could memorize the names for the 206 bones in the human skeleton, she could certainly manage to keep her feelings for Jamie inside the tidy box she had built for them.

Non-Date #1

They crossed paths inside the massive Spittalfields Market, both of them with shoulders damp from the chilly November rain.  Jamie was on his way to the fishmonger, while Claire carried a cloth bag filled with late-season vegetables, determined to eat something other than take-out on a rare day off from lectures and the hospital.

“Are ye on yer way back tae the flat, then?” Jamie asked, physically fighting the urge to offer to carry Claire’s wee sack.

“No, I’m off to the charnel house first.”

“The what, now?”  Surely he’d misheard her.

“The charnel house.  Don’t tell me you’ve been living over top of a medieval burial ground all this time without realizing it?” Claire teased.

Intrigued as much by her beguiling smirk as the opportunity to explore a bit of London’s history, Jamie followed Claire to a commercial highrise near the edge of the market.  Descending a non-descript stairwell in Bishop’s Square, they came to a halt in front of a glass wall.  On the other side was an excavated ruin, the crypt of the long-vanished chapel of St. Mary’s Spital hospital, a quick scan of a nearby information plaque informed him.

“They only discovered it was here when construction of the office tower began,” Claire said, a wistful look on her face.  “For centuries, travelers and the victims of London’s many plagues were buried around the hospital, quite literally in the Spital fields.  When the graves overflowed, they brought the excess bones here and stacked them for safe-keeping until the Apocalypse.  Imagine, forgetting something so...fundamental.”

Jamie grunted in acknowledgement, seeing the reflection of Claire’s face superimposed on the glass.  He couldn’t decide if this human tendency towards forgetfulness pleased or disappointed her.

“Tis rather...”

“Macabre?” she suggested with a grin, turning away from the display and climbing back into the cloud-roofed square.

“I was gonna say morbid, but as ye like.”

“We build our present on the bones of our past, my Uncle Lamb used to tell me.  He was referring to archaeology, but I’ve found it to be true of life itself.”

They walked back to the flat, collars raised against the hastening rain.  Jamie had bought enough hake for two, so they shared the narrow worktop, dicing fresh vegetables and letting their shoulders bump together occasionally.

Claire ate at the two-person dining table while scrolling social media on her phone.  Jamie used the coffee table to hold his plate and the gaming magazine he was flipping through.

It wasn’t a date.

Non-Date #4

Her cellphone rang as she was leaving the bathroom, thoughts bouncing between her end-of-semester exams and her non-existent plans for the Christmas holidays.  She accepted the call with one hand while starting the tedious job of separating her soaking curls with the other.  At first there was only static.  She glanced at the screen, recognizing the familiar number.

“Jamie?” she tried.

“...mac na ghalla, Hamish...” followed by muffled noises and masculine jeering.  She switched hands and started to towel off, making certain first that the video call button wasn’t active.

“Hal-lo.  Paging Mr. Fraser.  You have a call on line one.”

“Ach, sorry Claire.  I didna mean tae... That is, the lads were just... How are ye?”

She giggled at his discomposure.  “I’m well, thank you.  And you?”  They had seen each other that morning, as he came off shift and she was leaving for her morning lectures, so she assumed there was more to this call than a polite inquiry into her state of well-being.  She had learned over their months as roommates that sometimes you just needed to wait for Jamie to get to his point.

“Braw, thank ye.  I was... weel, I’m at the park with some o’ the lads, tryin’ tae put t’gether a side, an’ we’re short a winger, an’ I was jus’ thinkin’, ye said ye wanted tae learn tae play an’...”

Another James Fraser quirk was that he rambled in broad Scots when he was nervous.

“Jamie, are you asking me to play rugby with you?”

“Aye.  Aye, I am.  If ye wish, o’ course.”

“I did just step out of the shower...” she mentioned, already peering outside at the threatening sky and mentally assessing her wardrobe for something suitable for a ruck and maul in the rain.  “Hello?” when there was no sound from the other end in some time.

“Aye, I’m here.  Nevermind, Claire.  I dinna consider, ye must be gettin’ ready to study fer yer finals, an’...”

“Where are you?” she interrupted, opening a drawer and pulling out a pair of yoga pants.

“Victoria Park?” Jamie replied, sounding hesitant and hopeful.

“Give me twenty minutes.”

“Splendid!”  She could hear his smile down the line.

“I better not get mud in my hair, Fraser,” she retorted before hanging up, her own smile lingering on her face.

There was nothing romantic about rugby.

Non-Date #7

The flat was strangely forlorn, even with Christmas lights twinkling merrily in the living room windows and a tiny fir tree precariously balancing its five ornaments standing in the corner.  

They had exchanged their gifts on December 23rd, sipping on hot chocolate spiked with Kahlua and grinning shyly at each other.  She’d bought Jamie the next Call of Duty game for his XBox.  Nothing intimate, just something he’d mentioned in passing he was looking forward to trying.  His boyish glee upon unwrapping the package warmed her more than her drink.   Hands shaking slightly, she delicately opened the tastefully wrapped rectangle he presented to her.  Inside was a cashmere scarf, luxuriously soft beneath her fingers as she stroked it.

“Is this?” she asked.

“Aye, tis the Fraser plaid.  Ye ken there’s no’ a clan named Bee-cham, right?”

She was deeply touched, and thanked him was a kiss against his scruffy cheek.

Jamie had left for Scotland the next day, having somehow managed to secure a week’s worth of leave from his uncle over the holiday season.   As was her wont, she’d put down for as many shifts as possible while medical school wasn’t in session, but by some fluke she wasn’t scheduled to work New Year’s Eve for the first time in recent memory.

Some of her classmates from nursing college had invited her along to a “raging party in Shoreditch”, but she’d made up some excuse.  The truth was, she wasn’t in the mood for loud music and over-priced drinks with a group of virtual strangers.  If Geillis had been in town, she would have allowed her friend to coerce her into whatever mayhem she had up her sleeve, but Geillis was still in Columbia and eight months’ pregnant with twins, to everyone’s collective shock.  Especially the mother-to-be.

No, what she really wanted was a quiet evening at home, snuggled under her favourite fleece blanket on their couch, the latest Ferrante novel in her lap and a glass of Pinot Noir at the ready.  Jamie had a turntable and a surprisingly well-curated selection of vinyl in his bedroom, but she didn’t like entering his domain without his permission.

Without giving it a second thought, she rang his cell.  It was only upon hearing the raucous sounds of a party in full swing that it occurred to her that just because she was spending New Year’s Eve alone, it didn’t mean Jamie was as well.

“Claire?” he yelled over something that sounded a lot like live music.  “Are ye all right, lass?”

“Oh!  I’m so sorry, Jamie.  I just wanted to ask... never mind.  It’s not important.  Enjoy your party...”

“Wait!” the background noise mutated, sounding like a riot underwater, and then there was a wooden slam.  Jamie huffed a sigh of relief.

“Mu dheireadh.   Are ye still there, Sassenach?”

“Still here,” she confirmed, suddenly feeling sorry for herself.  She might be the most pathetic thirty-year old in London.

“Did the hospital no’ call ye in for a shift, then?”

She tucked the blanket under her feet, warding off the chill that always seemed to creep in from the wall of windows.  The Christmas lights she’d strung reflected against the glazing in alternating colours: blue, red, green, blue, red, green.

“No. By some miracle of the festive season, I have the night off,” she joked halfheartedly.   “I’m sorry for interrupting your night out.  I wanted to ask if I could borrow your turntable and a few of your albums?”

“O’ course.  Ye didna need tae ask.  An’ I’m no’ out.  I’m at home, at Lallybroch.”  He pronounced the word with a guttural flourish that made Claire think of an exotic kind of pastry or a rare tribal custom.  Any time Jamie spoke of his family’s home in Scotland, he imbued it with an otherworldly quality, like a fortress in a fairy tale, a far away land of warriors and mist.  It was strange to think of him there now, while she sat alone in their flat.

“It sounds like quite the party.”

“Aye.  The Frasers take their Hogmanay celebrations verra seriously.  Ye shoulda come wi’ me.”  Then, as though realizing what he’d said, he added quickly, “We could use a doctor.  Dougal sprained his ankle doin’ a sword dance, and Angus singed his arse somethin’ fierce jumpin’ o’er the bonfire.”

She laughed, her mood suddenly much lighter, and asked for more particulars as to how his cousin’s naked ass came to be in close proximity to open flame.  Without either realizing it, the last minutes of 2017 crept by.

Fireworks erupted outside, followed by the tolling of bells and honking of horns.  On the other end of the call, she could hear cheering and an off-key rendition of Auld Lang Syne.  They were both silent, embarrassed to have been so caught up in their trivial conversation as to have missed the arrival of midnight.

“Happy Hogmanay, Sassenach,” Jamie’s voice came soft and sure over the line.

“Happy New Year, Jamie,” she replied.  “I should really let you get back to your party.   Your family must be wondering where you’ve disappeared to.”

He hummed noncommittally.  It occurred to her that had they been in the same place, they would likely be kissing right now.  It sent a shiver of want down her spine.

“Jamie?”  Her voice sounded thready, like she had just woken from a deep sleep.

“Hmmm?”  Shivers, again.

“What’s a Sassenach?”

He laughed softly, and she had to bite her lip.  What was the matter with her?  “Tis a Scottish word for a foreigner, particularly an English one,” he explained.

“You’ve never called me that before,” Claire remarked.

“I’ve ne’er spoken tae ye while on Scottish soil.  T’wasn’t an accurate description ‘til now.”

There was a long silence.  She could hear the sound of revelry through the door of whatever room at Lallybroch he’d hidden inside.  Outside the flat there were firecrackers.   They reminded her of mortar rounds heard from a distance in Afghanistan.

“You don’t like fireworks, do you?” she guessed.  It didn’t take an advanced degree in psychology to know that bright flashes and sudden pops of sound would trigger his PTSD.  They really were a mess, the pair of them.

“Nay.  Jenny an’ Ian’s bairns love them, an’ I told them no’ tae hold off on my account, but they insisted on a bonfire instead.  It reminds me o’ when I was a lad, a’fore ye could buy fireworks along wi’ yer ham at the local Tesco.”

Jamie launched into a long account of the significance of bonfires in Highland culture, and she let herself drift on the melody of his voice, the turntable long forgotten.

“Tell me about yer most memorable New Year’s,” he prompted after his cultural diatribe wound down.

“Oh, well, they all rather blur together, actually.  Too much drink, too much spent on the cover charge.  You know how it is.”

“Nah, I mean when ye were younger.  Ye must ‘ave celebrated in some remarkable places.”

She thought back to her time spent following Uncle Lamb around the globe.  Truth be told, traditional holidays weren’t something that stood out in her memory.  They felt like a foreign custom, a series of drawings taken from a picture book that showed a mother, father and children crowded around a loaded table while snow piled up outside.  They bore no relation to her reality.  It was no wonder Christmas and New Year’s left her feeling ambivalent.

Still, she didn’t want Jamie to feel sorry for her, so she launched into one of her favourite tales.

“One year, I must have been eleven, Lamb was leading an excavation of a Berber oasis town in northern Mali.  The site closed down for the Christian holidays, but Lamb decided to stay behind rather than travel back to England.  We ended up riding camels through these enormous sand dunes, following a local guide on an ancient caravan route.  On December 31st, just as the sun was setting and we had begun to make camp, the camel Lamb had been riding let out this infernal noise, leapt to its feet, and started to gallop away.  Lamb and the guide set off after it on foot, hollering and waving their keffiyeh in the air.  It was the funniest thing.”

“They left ye all alone in the desert?” Jamie asked, horrified.

“Oh, well, they came back eventually.  The camel had been stung by a scorpion, you see.  Once it got over the fright, they were able to catch it and bring it back to camp.”

“Were ye no’ scared, tae be out there in the dark by yerself?”

“No.  Not as I remember it.  The sunset was glorious, and little by little the sky came alive with a million stars.”

“Ye brave wee thing.”  Jamie sighed.  “I wish I was there wi’ ye.”

She didn’t know if he meant with her on that sand dune, or with her at their flat.  Either way, her answer was the same.

“I wish you were too.”

They finally hung up well past two o’clock.  It didn’t count as a date if the other person was five hundred miles away as you whispered goodnight.

Non-Date #12

The Royal London was expanding its pediatrics wing, and Claire was invited to a fundraising gala held, fittingly, in the Museum of Childhood.  The invitation included a plus one, and she’d been putting off asking Jamie if he could join her all week.  It wasn’t that she doubted his suitability as an escort.  Far from it.  But the gala was taking place on February 14th, of all nights, and the symbolism made her nervous.  Still, the alternative was spending the night being hit on by a drunken internist or hedge fund investor, and that was a headache she could do without.

“So,” she began casually a few nights before the event, “any plans for Valentine’s Day?”  If he said he was working or had, god forbid, a date, she would just have to go stag.

Jamie set down his gaming controller and turned to face her desk.  The pulsing  colours from the screen lit his curls like a neon nimbus in the dim room.

“Nah, nothin’ definite.  An’ ye, Sassenach?” he asked tentatively, as though easing himself out onto a frozen lake, unsure of the depth of the ice.  The nickname he had assigned to her during his holidays in Scotland had stuck.  She didn’t correct the inaccuracy, as she rather liked the idea of having a name that was only his.

“Well, I’ve been summoned to a fundraising gala for the hospital, and I was wondering... not that you need feel obliged... it’s black tie, which is really the height of pretension, if you ask me... anyway, there’s no way to decline gracefully short of an aneurysm, so...”

“Out wi’ it, Sassenach,” he prodded.

“Mightyouconsiderbeingmydate?” she blurted, before taking a large gulp of tepid tea.

“Yer date?” he asked as though he had never heard of such a thing.

She sighed, resigned to the fact he was going to make this difficult.  “Yes.  My date.  My plus one.  My social companion.  And hopefully, my defence against spending the evening being pitied and set up with someone’s second cousin, Nigel, the chartered accountant.”

“Do ye have somethin’ against accountants, then?”  The corner of his lip was twitching with the birth of a grin.

“Oh, very funny, you bloody Scot.  Look, I need a date on Valentine’s Day and you are the only man in the Greater London Area who won’t interpret that as an opportunity for a pity shag.   The offer is on the table.  Take it or leave it.”

Something flashed behind his eyes that she couldn’t interpret.  Then it was gone.

“Ne’er fear, Sassenach.  I’ll protect ye from all the wee Nigels.”

***

She’d forgotten to ask whether Jamie had suitable attire for a black tie event.   It was too late now, regardless.  They were meeting at the museum, since she was on shift until eight.  Using the nurses on-call room to get changed, she slinked into her burgundy chiffon gown, its gauzy layers wrapping around her like millefeuille.   Her hair was a lost cause, so she slicked it back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck and hoped for the best.  Silver chandelier earrings and a dab of cologne below her jaw, and she was ready to go.  She carried a small beaded clutch and her dress shoes - there was no way she was navigating the Tube in stilettos. 

The museum was a single massive space, conversation and the tympani of glassware echoing against its high-arched ceiling.  She stood in the entryway after checking her coat, spinning in circles and trying to get her bearings.  More than one lascivious glance was directed her way, but she studiously ignored them in favour of looking for Jamie.  With his height and red hair, he shouldn’t be hard to pick out of the crowd.

There was an appreciative murmur from behind her, a gust of fresh air, and then a soft tap against her bare shoulder.  She turned around.

No.  Not hard to pick out from a crowd at all.  Standing before her was James Fraser in full Highland regalia.  He wore his family tartan, a black velvet waistcoat, brilliant white dress shirt and a black bow tie.  When her gaze fell to the floor, she noticed his polished brogues and white socks pulled up to his knees.  She’d never before considered how a man’s knees might be alluring, but there it was.   Jamie had very sexy knees.

“G’d evening, Sassenach.  Ye look... weel, ye look bonnie.”  Jamie’s normally deep voice was gruffer than usual, perhaps on account of the cold night air.  Or maybe his bowtie was tied too tight.

“Good evening, Jamie,” she replied once she found her voice.  “You look, well, if you were a Jacobite, I’d say you looked regal.”

The tops of Jamie’s ears went red, and he ducked his chin, his tamed curls falling briefly forward.  It gave him the look of a bashful child receiving unexpected praise, completely at odds with the strikingly masculine figure he cut.

“No’ a Nigel, then?” he teased.

“No.  Definitely not a Nigel.  Come, let’s get something to drink before all the top-shelf liquor runs out.  You wouldn’t believe how much some of these doctors can put away!”

Jamie was a perfect date.  He stood by her elbow as she mingled and greeted various colleagues and professors, nodding at their tales of medical misfortune and smiling at their awkward jokes.  He spoke confidently about his work and current affairs, and patiently tolerated endless jibes about what a true Scotsman wore beneath his kilt.

When she politely excused them from one such conversation, he leaned over to whisper in her ear as they walked away to fortify themselves with more alcohol.

“I’ve a mind tae lift my plaid an’ moon the entire assembly the next time one o’ yer wee doctor friends asks about my underthings.  Are ye sure they arena raising funds for a new proctology department, Sassenach?”

She snorted in a truly unladylike fashion and turned to meet his unrepentant smirk.  Just then, a figure approaching from the bar caught her eye.

Oh no.  It couldn’t be.  After five years, she’d finally relaxed her vigilance, had ceased anticipating his presence at every turn, and now, here he was.

“Sassenach?” Jamie was watching her with concern.  The blush had drained from her cheeks, leaving her wine-stained lips and sintering eyes the only colour on her face.

“Claire!  Fancy meeting you here!”  Had his voice always been so nasal?  His eyes so glassy and vacant, like portals into nothingness.  He’d obviously been drinking heavily.  A blond woman half his age had her arm linked through his.

“Frank,” she uttered his name.  Jamie stepped into her side, his posture erect, somehow sensing that she needed his protection from this unheralded threat.

“Well, isn’t this a surprise.  I’d heard you’d gone into the army, or some such thing.  Afghanistan, was it?  Well, with your penchant for violence, I suppose that’s fitting.”

She breathed deeply through her nose.  She would not let him get the better of her.  She wasn’t that person anymore.  With a clammy hand, she grabbed onto Jamie’s fingers where they rested around her hip.  He squeezed back.  He was here.   She wasn’t alone.  It was all the strength she needed.

“Yes, that’s right.  I served overseas for a time, but I’m back in London now.  In medical school.   Now, if you’ll excuse us, we were just leaving.”

Focusing on each step, she turned towards the exit, Jamie’s hand now warm upon the small of her back.  Her chin wobbled, but she bit down hard to stave off tears.

“A doctor?” Frank taunted from behind her.  “Wouldn’t a demolition expert be more apropos, darling?”

She froze, spine trembling with anger.  Jamie made a questioning noise, asking without words if she wanted him to intervene.   She didn’t.

Glancing over her shoulder, she dealt her parting blow.

“Give my best to Amelia and the children.”  Without waiting to witness the aftermath of her pronouncement, she made her way out into the chilly night air, Jamie’s bulk a silent sentinel at her side.

It wasn’t a date if it ended on the floor of your bathroom, crying ugly sobs as mascara stained your cheeks, while your partner held your shoulders and made soothing noises with his throat.  

That wasn’t dating, that was survival.

***

mac na ghalla = son of a bitch

Mu dheireadh = finally

#my writing #outlander

[feyjaeyong]

❧ ─ 30 NOTES TO HUANGJUN

it goes like this: usually huangjun wakes up first. jaeyong always wakes up too, too conditioned to be a light sleeper, too intrinsically on edge and protective to sleep through much. he feels huangjun stir a little too much and he blinks open his eyes. jaeyong usually succeeds in wrapping huangjun up and keeping him in bed for at least another five minutes. eventually, huangjun escapes, always with something about making tea or breakfast.

sometimes jaeyong falls back asleep until huangjun returns to wake him up, if he doesn’t just let him sleep. usually, however, he won’t linger too long, and will join his boyfriend in the kitchen before long. more recently, instead, he reaches to his bedside table and pulls a small notebook out of the top drawer. 

there, he writes a note to huangjun, meant to be sneakily stuck somewhere around the house for huangjun to find later in the day. (sometimes, he’ll scribble out a note before class instead, or while huangjun is at work, or when he’s not with him at the grocery store. anytime will do.)

THE NOTES:

remember when i said i would spend the rest of my life with you? i know sometimes you get scared. sometimes you doubt, but i’m not going to let you forget. the rest of my life, and i’m going to make that life as long as i can. i’m going to love you for the rest of my life, and you’ll have to work hard if you ever want to get rid of me. the rest of my life. i love you. don’t forget!

i forgot to tell you, yesterday, this old man came into the store and bought every album in snsd’s discography. i wanted to ask him why but i’ve been told that’s rude and bad for business :( i guess i’ll always be left to wonder. i love you! wait, you know snsd, right? have i listened to snsd with you?

no time with you is ever enough. i love you.

you were snoring last night. just a little! don’t feel bad. it made me smile. there’s something so mundane about it. comforting, even. a reminder that you’re here with me without having to watch you breathe. i love you.

not to say something completely cliche but we’re out of milk and i love you, i’ll buy it.

i had a nightmare last night. i don’t remember it, though. i used to always remember them. they used to be all that i remembered, but now, so much fills the spaces in between, like love and light. i wonder if it’s you.

reminder that i love you more than anyone in the world has ever loved anybody.

it was rainy today. like, really rainy and gross. i watched a girl get off the bus without an umbrella or raincoat and i knew she was going to be soaked instantly, but a guy swooped in and offered her his umbrella and it made me think of us, and it made me wonder what their story would be. would they never see each other again? would they fall in love? i never cared about stuff like that before you. i know our story hasn’t been easy, but i’m glad it’s ours. i love you.

you fell asleep while you were reading. i don’t think you sleep enough these days. i’ll call in sick on your next day off. let’s sleep a few extra hours, or all afternoon. i love you and there’s nowhere else i’d rather be.

sometimes i just want to watch the world end with you. as long as i’m with you every city could burn. i’m probably not supposed to say that, but that’s just how i love you.

reminder that i’m going to spend the rest of my life with you and i’m gonna marry you one day and you can’t logic me out of it, no “but jaeyong we can’t get married it isn’t legal” because i am DETERMINED. you know i’ll do anything to get what i want, and i want to love you forever.

i could write all the love songs in the world and they still wouldn’t explain how much i love you.

i woke up a little bit before you today. i got to see the way the sun filtered through the blinds and shined on your face. i don’t know a word in any language that encapsulates how beautiful you are. i love you.

huangjun, sometimes i worry. the love in me is so overwhelming. i wonder, is this all too much? maybe it would be better to love you quietly, but you know i’ve never been good at that. i think it’s because i don’t have room in my body for it all. that’s why i say i love you so much. it always overflows. in the end, i’d rather my love be too much than not enough. i’d rather you get tired of hearing it than regret not saying it, but if you need me to love you quieter, just say so. i can learn.

i found this app that tracks sharks yesterday. i only remembered when i checked my phone this morning. the closest tracked shark to us is by papua new guinea. she’s a tiger shark and her name is lisa christina. i hope she’s doing okay. i love her :( but not as much as i love you.

you’re watching me as i write this. i’m not good at writing under pressure. i told you not to read this until i’m not around, but you’re so damn good at reading. you can probably look this way on accident and read the whole thing. i’m sorry, this isn’t my best work, but i love you still. maybe more than ever.

lisa christina is swimming away from us now ㅜㅜ i miss her. i miss you too, whenever you’re reading this, guaranteed. i love you.

do you remember when you used to always call me sunbae? and then you finally called me by my name. i always wonder when. when did i fall in love with you? maybe that was it. the way you said my name, like no one ever had, like you saw something in me no one else did. no one makes it sound as good as you do.

huangjun i want a pet shark. also i love you

i’m going to write 100 songs about you and get rich from them, and then i’ll buy you a nice house, or build one if we can’t find one that makes us feel like we can finally breathe easy. it’ll be somewhere safe, where i don’t always have to look over my shoulder and you don’t have to worry that i won’t come back every time i step out the door. some place where i can randomly decide to remodel the bathroom, then take a hammer to everything and accidentally break something important, but end up with something better when we’re done. somewhere to grow old in. i love you. i’ll do it. i’m serious!

you shouldn’t have died in that alley. every day i’m so thankful i was there, and that you didn’t. i love you even more than you know.

i’ve been thinking, when we get out of here, and all of the green finally outnumbers the concrete, what we should have in our garden. herbs are a no brainer, but what about snapdragons? they symbolize both graciousness and deception and i think that’s kind of sexy in a flower and also probably people too. but i also just think they look cool. think about it!! i love you!

wherever i am right now i’m probably thinking about kissing you. please give me a kiss next time you see me :( i love you.

i never told you this, but i had a dream once. we were on a beach. this dream was way before i took you to an aquarium and watched the way your eyes lit up when you saw stingrays, and before i bought you that teapot that looks like a pufferfish and the teabags that expand into sea creature shapes when you put them in water. we were on a beach, and there was a kid that didn’t look like either of us, and a feeling that i couldn’t decipher at the time but that i know now is love. for you, for that kid. everything was...rose gold. i don’t know how to explain it. i woke up so afraid, because i didn’t want kids and i knew that kid was ours, huangjun, and i had never felt something so warm. you know i wasn’t raised for warm. i was afraid to want warm, but i watched you sleep and i couldn’t help but think about it. sometimes i still do, but most of the time i don’t remember. sometimes, i think i’m still scared of it. i guess that’s why i’m writing it down instead of telling you out loud. i don’t think i could ever write or say how much i love you. let’s just raise fish???

the sky reminded me of you today. i’m starting to really love the sky. it’s never the same twice. it’s part of why i love you. there’s always something new to see. always something beautiful. i think i would see you everywhere even without the sky.

my dream used to be to rid the world of supernaturals. safety for humanity. it was...surprisingly noble. but misguided. now, it’s different. when i think of what i want most in the world, it’s your soft smile, and the way you tuck my hair behind my ear, and the way you say ‘i’ll make tea’ just about anytime you don’t have something better to do. saying “you’re my new dream” is too cheesy even for me, but something like that. i love you.

the sky was light blue again. the color of your favorite sweater, a few clouds. i looked up and i thought...how wonderful, to love someone so soft and unending, to hold a heart that touches everything like that.

sometimes i feel like i’m drowning in how much i love you. not in a bad way, though; in a way like that one time, when you watched all the fish swim by in their tanks and wondered if it was peaceful. that kind of drowning. it is peaceful. it is.

if an angel looked in the mirror, would he see a monster? something fearsome, awe-inspiring, certainly. a view enough to make any man of god repent. i understand them. i am no holy man, but you make me want to get on my knees. i love you. amen.

reminder that you make me happier than i’ve ever been. i never used to think about if souls existed, and never really cared, but you made me believe in them. there’s no other way to say it than my soul is at peace with you. i don’t know if we’re soulmates or not, but i know i can lay my head in your lap and feel at home there. i know you changed me. you made me better. maybe that’s all soulmates are. i love you.

#feyhuangjun #─ solo #─ 30 notes to huangjun #| yes i made u scroll past all of that #bc if i put it under a readmore it messed up the numbers #if u read it then jaeyong is embarrassed #yes i did write all of this using the onscreen keyboard for my h key asdfdsgdsg |

[beeprblog]

Beepr Goes To Shows: Governor’s Ball 2021.

In this first installment of Beepr Goes To Shows, I spent all 3-days at this years Governor’s Ball to give you crowd coverage you deserve and concert recaps/reviews you want. Stay tuned for more show write-ups and other updates!

Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist

What happens when you put two legends on the same stage? You get one hell of a fucking show. Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist were on another level that Friday afternoon, delivering classics from Madlib collaborative albums (Crime Pays, Fake Names, Palm Olive, Thuggin), recent singles from Freddie (Big Boss Rabbit, Gang Signs), and all your favorite offerings from Alfredo (Baby $Hit, Scottie Beam, Something To Rap About). The braggadocious swagger Freddie brings to the stage is tempered by Alchemist’s suave production and generally reserved demeanor, making them a very balanced performance. Despite being an acclaimed producer, you get the sense that The Alchemist is there to support Freddie rather than make the performance about himself. Freddie’s natural humor shines through in between songs, cracking jokes while taking tokes and hitting a bottle of Hennessy. Chants of “Fuck police,” cheers for the Alchemist, and concert-goers belting choruses created a deafening atmosphere, rivaling some sold out indoor venues I’ve visited. To call Freddie a cult artist would be disrespectful of all the mainstream achievements (Grammy nominations, cracking Billboard Top 25s, etc), and yet for some reason, he remains on the fringes of superstardom. Part of what people love about Freddie Gibbs is his larger than life personality, as he has an authenticity about him that’s naturally charismatic. If there’s anything I can be certain about after that set, it’s that Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist have undeniable chemistry and I hope they have more on the way.

Phoebe Bridgers

In January of 2018, a report from Nielsen Music identified that rap had surpassed rock in terms of overall music consumption. But Phoebe Bridgers will not allow her genre to go quietly into the night. She very well may be the next iteration of a rockstar. From her band all being in uniform, to the stage production, and most importantly, her diehard fans: Phoebe Bridgers is killing it in all aspects of the game. Apparently, I had been living under rock for quite some time as I only did a deep dive into her music when I saw her on the Governor’s Ball lineup announcement. How foolish was I? Phoebe has an incredible catalogue despite being only 27 (bolstered by her work with groups like Boygenius and Better Oblivion Community Center). Songs like Motion Sickness, Garden Song, and ICU feel more like Phoebe hosting a singalong, as the entire crowd is belting back each and every lyric at the top of their lungs with emphatic energy. Tracks like Kyoto also fall into that category, but there’s an immense rush of excitement as the brilliance of Bridger’s music blares through over the speakers for the chorus. Ballads like I Know The End are blissful moments of serenity, as I found myself swaying with my eyes closed in my little spot in the crowd. Her nonchalance in between songs is intoxicating, as it’s a beautiful contrast to her immensely emotive and personal performance. It’s so endearing to see past what’s on the outside and find an individual who profoundly cares about their work. What perhaps is most endearing about Phoebe’s performance is how she’s unabashedly herself: quips like “Fuck nihilism, too” are interjected in between songs, her outfit a glamorized rendition of the classic skeleton t-shirts. While I might have been late to the party in terms of the Phoebe Bridgers hype train, you can bet I’m going to be early to every one of her shows from here on out.  

A$AP Rocky

As Saturday night of Governor’s Ball was drawing near to an end, there were millions of individual conversations buzzing around in the crowd. But almost all of them were centered around one question: When will A$AP Rocky start? At 9:12pm EST, our question was answered, with a bang. Crowd surfing around in an inflatable car, bullhorn in hand, Rocky showed off some new sounds as unreleased tracks (Grim Freestyle amongst the slew of unreleased tracks) boomed over speakers. Mosh pits opened up left and right as the concert slowly evolved into a beautiful, New York block party-esque chaos. Hearing recent work like his features on Slowthai’s MAZZA and Famous Dex’s PICK IT UP were unexpected yet gratifying moments. But what really amplified the crowd was hearing some of the “older” radio hits. I can’t remember a time in recent memory when I’ve been as excited as when the first synths on LPFJ2 and Telephone Calls hit. Classics like Praise Da Lord and Yamborghini High ensured that there were no lapses in energy or excitement. Babushka Boi set the crowd ablaze, as the off-key notes intermingled in the beat acted as cues for the rowdy meter to kick it up a notch. Rocky even gave up some of his set to ensure the rest of the Mob was represented, as he had the DJ play Plane Jane by A$AP Ferg. The softer side of Rocky’s discography was met with equal anticipation as Sundress and A$AP Forever were met with exuberant cheers. Fully embracing his trippy side, after asking us if we liked hallucinogens, Rocky performed L$D to a roaring crowd (he also teased us with the unreleased Mushroom Clouds after asking us if we fucked with mushrooms too). During what felt like a showcase of the Harlem rappers’ ability to generate raucous ovation, the time had the crew informed Rocky his set had to be wrapped up. An earnest plea to keep it going was made, begging to at least get off Peso, but the euphoria was always going to be finite. It’s safe to say, anyone saying Rocky fell off is full of it.

Burna Boy

From start to finish, Burna Boy kept it hot. Bringing plenty of Nigerian flair to the CitiField air, I can safely say that Burna Boy’s set was one of the most enjoyable of the weekend. Even before he appeared, loud chants imploring him to take the stage could be heard ringing throughout the grounds. As his band and mom (who doubles as his manager) patiently waited, you could see them grinning and laughing as they knew we were in for a great show. Burna Boy then graced the stage and we were transported to another world, filled with laid back vibes, political protest, and triumph. Opening up with Gbona, it was apparent that the entire show was going to be electric. Hitting dance moves, grinning from ear to ear, it was obvious that Burna Boy planned on making a stellar first impression at the Governor’s Ball (he also earned major New York brownie points by giving us an animated performance of his velvety feature on Enjoy Yourself by Pop Smoke). Hearing some of my favorite songs live cemented them even further in the favorites category, as his performance adds another level of fun and personality. Collateral Damage, a beautifully subverted political protest anthem, felt truly harmonious as the entire crowd chanted the chorus with their fists in the air. As much as I love my AirPods, the heartfelt energy of both the crowd and Burna Boy I felt in the crowd during Anybody and Dangote could never be matched by speakers. Even the less upbeat songs (such as Wetin Man Go Do) he performed were met with incredibly cheerful reactions as. Live riffs from the band during some of his most popular singles added great spice for those who are familiar but equally exciting for new listeners. It’s apparent that there’s a great sense of camaraderie amongst the whole crew, that their main goal is to put on a memorable and joyous show. I can only hope that Burna Boy and the band make trips to the states more frequently.

Ellie Goulding

Have you ever felt the urge to forget everything that’s worrying you and just live in the here and now? Then you should go to as many Ellie Goulding shows as humanly possible. There’s a good chance you’re already familiar with some of her work (I’ll get to that in a bit), but it’s an entirely other thing to see her bring them to life. Hidden under the surface of a soft-spoken, singer-songwriter is a powerhouse performer, ready to give the show and attendees her everything. Watching her confidence grow during the set, seeing her come out of a shell that had likely developed as a result of not touring, was a beautiful sight to behold. In between comments about how grateful she was to be performing, quips about her outfit, you really got to watch her conviction begin to grow and take root. Anthemic at every instance, the crowd was equally ready to return the same energy Goulding graced us with. The only thing that was all over the place about her refined and poised performance was the eclectic mix of work she pulled from. From Lights (and yes, if you’re curious, that shit slapped) all the way up to her latest album, Brightest Blue, we got treated to the Ellie Goulding evolution set. Intermingling a solid slate of collaborations like Diplo’s Close To Me (I don’t know if I’ve ever sung along as fervently as I did for that one), Calvin Harris’ I Need Your Love (okay, I lied, this is the one where I lost my voice), and Major Lazer’s Powerful, there was a reference point regarding how they discovered Goulding for everyone in the audience. Hearing oldies like Aftertaste, Anything Could Happen, and Only You instantly transported me to simpler times, back when bills and deadlines seemed like an abstract concept. In another edition of music star leads a sing-a-long, the crowd could have taken over for Lights and Love Me Like You Do. Thankfully, we got to hear Ellie too. It’s a magical moment when a few hundred (maybe a full thousand) are all united by one common goal: to embrace the present and shower the performer with adoration in the form of knowing every lyric. Harmony amongst total strangers, tied together through a common love of music. Ellie Goulding gave us more than one of the best sets from the weekend, she gave us a sense of unity and togetherness unlike any other I’ve experienced.

Post Malone

When you find a superstar, with millions of fans and millions in the bank, that you feel like you can still crack open a crispy Bud Light, you’ve found something special. And we all know that Post Malone loves a cold one. The final chapter of Governor’s Ball 2021 ended with Post Malone’s Sunday night set, a perfect way to wind down the weekend. Opening up the set with an inquisitive “Hello?” to test out the mic, this show was one of the most authentic and down-to-earth concerts I’ve been to in quite some time. It almost feels like you’re just hanging out hearing some song ideas from your friend Austin Post, wearing some regular denim shorts and a “Where’s Waldo” style striped shirt, until the audible roars from the crowd of “Posty” remind you you’re at a headliner. Arguably the most larger-than-life aspect of Post’s set was his entrance on the stage, via a smoke-cloud suspended platform adorned with metal chains. With a healthy mix of beerbongs & bentley’s, Hollywood’s Bleeding, recent singles and old hits, Post Malone was showing us all of his repertoire. Chugging beers at the request of the crowd, checking in with all of us in between songs, calling for celebration and happiness, Post goes to great lengths to ensure that the crowd is with it and that everyone is having a good time. Tracks like Psycho were somehow both relaxing and energizing at the same time, as the chorus transformed the venue into an incredible echo-chamber. We also got to see how many friends Post has, as we got guest appearances from Young Thug (performing Goodbyes), Roddy Rich (gracing us with Every Season and The Box), and 21 Savage (to perform Rockstar, which Post Malone did his best to embody all night). With each feature, the crowd seemed to kick into another fear of excitement, but that’s not to say people didn’t lose it for some of Post’s solo work. Stay, which Post performed seated strumming an acoustic guitar, was as heartfelt as it could get in its stripped down state. Despite previously admitting to not being able to sing without autotune, you could see how much he cared about capping off the weekend right while performing that song (without autotune in an effort to be as real as possible). White Iverson and Congratulations were both barn-burners, as the whole festival grounds were chanting lyrics and bouncing along. After a very long weekend of raging and raving, Post Malone’s set managed to run through the whole gambit of festival emotions: joy, excitement, surprise, and relief. It’d be disingenuous to say anything other than Austin Post has mastered the art of headlining.

#beepr #concerts #concert review #livemusic #governors ball

[thestylesindependent]

Inside Eroda, the fictional Harry Styles island that’s baffled the internet

Full Text from The Telegraph 4/12/2019

It all started on November 20. A Twitter account opened in October released its first post: “The Isle of Eroda’s rich history is embedded in daily life as the ruins of many structures from the past remain standing across the land. #VisitEroda”

It looked like a new marketing campaign for a little-visited, off-beat beauty spot. But a quick search would show it didn’t actually exist. Yet, Eroda had a website. Advertisements for the place were popping up on Facebook and Google. People interested in all manner of nerdy subcultures were foxed – it had the whiff of a clever marketing campaign about it, but what was it for?

Within hours, an Eroda subreddit had been created to discuss it. People dived deep into web hosting details, and only became more baffled as they seemed legitimate: “it ain't no kid doing a school project”. Was it a scam, a game, an elaborate prank? Some were convinced it was the beginning of a new Cloverfield film, World of Warcraft, a new Channel 4 series or even a means of human trafficking.

Meanwhile, scores of “Harries”, the sub-group of Directioners dedicated to Harry Styles, were piecing bits of evidence together. The pop star was due to release Adore You, the second single off his forthcoming sophomore album. “Adore” backwards was “Eroda”, and the video, released on November 23, looked like it had been shot in St Abbs, the Berwickshire fishing village where Styles had been spotted shooting in August. As Eroda claimed more of the internet, Harries  – some of the most forensic fans in the world – were sent into a flurry of investigation.

The goliath churn of a pop star marketing campaign is fairly familiar by now: cryptic social media teaser, excitable release date news, lyric video, full video, rinse, repeat.

Styles, who will release sophomore album Fine Line on December 13 and Adore You on Friday, satisfied many speculating fans on Monday with a near-three-minute-long trailer for the single, along with an illustration of the star standing in the ocean, surrounded by fish.

To those who had been studying Eroda for the past 10 days it was the confirmation they had been hankering for: Eroda was a Harry Styles project, and it confirmed what they had always known – that he is an artist beyond the normal realms of pop frippery (by contrast, former bandmate Louis Tomlinson spent the same afternoon releasing a video in which he sings in a bunker wearing a Stone Island parka).

Styles’ trailer introduced Eroda, showing it to be an island in the middle of the Irish Sea “shaped unmistakably like a frown, it is home to an all-but-forgotten fishing village that has had perpetual cloud cover for as long as anyone can remember”. Scenes appear of a typical coastal village, with crashing waves and brave little houses facing them. It gets increasingly weird: we learn that it is bad luck to “mention a pig in a fisherman’s pub” and to “whistle in the wind, in case you turn a gust into a gale”; the island mustn’t be left on odd-numbered days.  

The inhabitants of Eroda’s village always frown, calling it “resting fish face”. Until, that is, a beaming baby appears amidst the gloom. Deemed “peculiar” (a word that pops up a lot), the boy – who grows up to become Harry Style – was outcast, leading him to deal with his angst by screaming into jars. “He had lost his smile, and without it, the world grew darker, the wind colder, and the ocean more violent” the pan-European narrator explains. “Loneliness is an ocean full of travellers trying to find their place in the world”, she continues, as Harry finds himself bonding with a stubborn fish, before the film ends “to be continued…”

So far, so intriguing. But delve a little deeper into Eroda and you may find yourself wanting to visit. The island’s website – beautiful island views and a template dating back to the late Noughties – looks remarkably similar to those for any other charming coastal holiday destination, say Bute or Oban. “No Land Quite Like It”, reads Eroda’s strapline, before offering a familiar-enough menu: Accommodations, Attractions, Guide, Home and About Eroda. The video is similarly convincing: “Make memories for your senses at VisitEroda.com”, a dulcet-voiced woman encourages over shots of crabmeat and speedboats.

It didn’t take long for the Harries to take over the Eroda subreddit, moderators becoming increasingly rigid in ruling nuggets of unrelated Eroda flotsam irrelevant to the cause of discovery (such as the user who wanted to discuss Eroda, but without any intervention from the Harries). Tumblr users were similarly invested: “What do the ominous references to Him portend? What are they serving at those town dinners? You think it’s a cute little coastal AU [alternative universe] but upon closer examination it’s full-on Wicker Man meets Hotel California meets Nightvale in the afterlife (which is what most of those places are anyway so sure why not),” posted 1D Discourse of the Day.

The whole thing is littered with wordplay. Eroda, for one, is Adore backwards (Harry’s next single is called Adore You). But, as Directioners have pointed out, the copy throughout the website nods to forthcoming Styles songs: The Fisherman’s Pub is located on the corner of Cherry Street and Golden Way (Cherry is one new song, Golden is another); the album will be released on Friday, 13 December and Eroda recommends avoiding a departure on an odd-numbered day. Eroda’s fishermen wear a single gold earring for good fortune – a look historically sported by Styles.

Directioners went further still: the hosting for VisitEroda.com and Styles’ website, doyouknowwhoyouare.com, were owned by the same company, MarkMonitor.inc. Social media pixels linked pages about Styles with Eroda. Fans became suspicious over Visit Eroda adverts appearing not on their social channels or YouTube, but, of all places, on Wikipedia. “I'M FROM FRICKING PORTUGAL,” a baffled Reddit user posted. “NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE. WHY IS THIS HERE”.

Eroda had analog presence, too. A4 pamphlets – the kind of thing one could make on MS Publisher circa 1998 – appeared in the freesheet boxes on the pavements of Manhattan. At a promo event in Paris, Harry was asked about Eroda by a fan. He remained silent, but those who were there claim he “made a face”.

By November 29, more evidence arrived. A short film “advert”, which used footage from the trailer released on Monday, was screened by a new Harry Styles fan account from “Eroda”. They said the film appeared in a cinema in Kinlochbervie, on Scotland’s northern coast; the Eroda account then started to tweet about cinema screening times.  Eagle-eyed fans were swift to post screengrabs, showing similar island formations in the background of both the Eroda advert and that featuring Styles. The two were linked.

Kinlochbervie was, fittingly, a bit of a red herring: the footage shown in both the advert and the video trailer was actually taken in St Abbs, a picturesque fishing village in Berwickshire that’s no stranger to a rolling camera – it was “twinned” with New Asgard after being used as a location for Thor’s new home in Avengers Endgame.

Styles was there in August, shooting, it appears, a few things for the forthcoming album campaign. He and his crew used Angela Morris’s cottage, in St Abbs’ Sea View Terrace, as a green room during the three days of filming in the village, after Morris had responded to a note being popped through the door from a filming company. “One Thursday I was just coming home from work and there was Harry walking into the house,” she tells me. “All of the costumes were in the living room, make-up was going on in the kitchen.

“I asked if I could wait in the garden before my husband and I went out for the evening, so I just sat there when Harry came out,” Morris said. “I think he was having a coffee, and he sat down and chatted, asked me about bits and pieces about the village. I was talking to him about his Gucci clothes and we had a bit of a laugh. I wasn’t too starstruck, really, and I think he appreciated that.” Later on in the shoot, Styles invited Morris and her husband to share a glass of champagne with him and the crew.

While the shoot interrupted the sleepy pace of life on St Abbs for a few days – Morris says that visitor numbers had already been boosted by Avengers Endgame but small crowds of teenage girls began to crop up after word spread of Harry’s location – most villagers, she reckons, are pleased to see the place put on the map: “Most people I saw were embracing it and interested to see what was going on.”

A German artist named Mario Klingemann was, however, more incensed when his holiday collided with the shoot: “I didn't know who Harry Styles was until today when I learned that he's the guy who blocked off the entire St Abbs harbour and prevented us from enjoying our fresh crab rolls," he posted on Twitter, aggrieved.

But Morris found out about Eroda much like everybody else – through Facebook. “It’s really odd,” she assess. “Lovely footage of beautiful St Abbs, though.”

Long-lens pap shots from that shoot certainly seem to match up with what we’ve seen of Eroda so far. Styles gangles around in Seventies suits, befitting the aesthetic of his trailer. The smoking gun, though, is the presence of a young woman with hair that brings to mind a Dr Seuss illustration, or the hat Princess Beatrice wore at the Cambridges’ wedding. VisitEroda’s “about” page explains: “The primary occupation in Eroda is fishing, however, the island’s art scene has recently started to develop. In particular, Erodean hairstyles have become a rather bold expression of self amongst the island’s youth”. Clearly, these are scenes of Eroda that are being filmed.

There’s an unmistakably ominous air to Eroda, and some believe the video for Adore You will see some misfortune befall Styles – there were reports of a (fake) gunshot being filmed in St Abbs while he was there.

But what happens next is arguably less intriguing than what we’ve been given with Eroda so far. We are well-used to being nudged and prodded by pop stars ahead of a new release. Major albums aren’t so much brought out as “dropped” or “leaked”, arriving online in the middle of the night before their fans disseminate them through the internet. Fans, rather than critics, are given early listens – and under tight NDAs. Artists will clear their channels to mark a new direction, only to give us elaborate photoshoots and contrived poetry to create a “concept”.

Eroda is undeniably a “concept” – themes of loneliness, peculiarity, conformity and happiness have been woven into the fictional island from the off. But it’s been artfully done; look deep enough into the Reddit forums and you’ll see non-Styles fans begrudgingly accepting that this is the work of a former boy band frontman, rather than that of a somehow more “serious” game creator, filmmaker or even musician. Furthermore, it’s fun – and that’s all too rare in a pop world where things have become obsessed with authenticity, and a rogue comment can result in “cancellation”. One Directioner popped up on a thread only to add, “As someone who works in marketing/promotion... This is fucking genius. Harry Styles' team is tops”, and it’s difficult to disagree.

After a decade in which stars have had to up their social media presence to survive, tweaking and teasing their listenership in ever-increasing desperation to retain shrinking attention spans, Styles is closing out the 2010s with the greatest album campaign we’ve seen so far. As an artistic statement, it suggests the 2020s will be his to claim.

#harry styles #eroda #press #the telegraph #dec2019 #long post

[kreekey]

examples of people being racist toward yoko unintentionally: 1- calling her a weird stalker when they glorify/don't mind the many white fangirls who used to stalk the Beatles. 2- spreading misinformation that she lost custody of her daughter when in fact she'd won against her white crazy ex despite everything NOT in favour of her 3- bashing her for using John's glasses on the album cover she worked with John on, when they would've praised the artistry and bold statement if she was a white woman

Hey sorry I got around to answering your ask so late! You make a lot of really interesting points and I rarely hear people consider that. 

1 - reminds me of a Tumblr post I saw about an obsessive Beatlemaniac stalker and people were like “me” or “bless her” haha. Definitely different when they can interpret Yoko’s actions as “stalking”. And your point also reminds me of this quote, which isn’t about fangirls but still somewhat kinda related.

“Like Yoko when she met John, Linda was a divorced woman with a daughter when she met Paul mere months later.  There are stories similar to those about Yoko of her “scheming” to meet and marry Paul.  In the same way that Yoko is said to have joked prior to meeting him that she was “going to marry John Lennon,” Linda joked like any woman with a celebrity crush about how she was “going to marry Paul McCartney.”  (Bob Spitz notes both in his book The Beatles.  Guess which one he thought was conniving, and which one he thought was adorable.)... Was it the lucky fact that Linda got the scene a few months later than Yoko, or was it her whiteness?“ 

X

And I don’t have the answer if it was Yoko’s race that made her such a target, but it’s something interesting to consider and note. [And I’ll clarify this, I'm pretty sure Yoko didn't know about the Beatles until she became face to face with one, like she wasn't a fan who got lucky enough to meet her idol. In the David Frost interview and the 1971 Rolling Stone interview, John noted that Yoko didn't know him when they met, and Yoko Ono: Collector of Skies by Neil Beram says this on their meeting: "She was about as familiar with John's work as he was with hers. "I was an underground person, and such an artistic snob," she said later. "I knew about The Beatles, of course... but I wasn't interested in them." Just about the only thing she could recall about them was the drummer Ringo Starr's first name, because ringo means "apple" in Japanese.”] Also, and this definitely wasn’t stalking, but I posted a quote from Bob Spitz’ biography where he writes along the lines of

“[Linda] always insisted that she was going to marry Paul McCartney,” [Nat Weiss] recalls, “even before she met him”... It was no accident that Linda Eastman veered into his aura. She’d taken a few polite shots of Ringo and George before “zeroing in on Paul,”... Linda had come dressed to kill. Most days she played the typical rock chick, decked out in rumpled jeans and a T-shirt, with little or no makeup and unwashed hair. But today her hair had been carefully blow-dried so that it fell perfectly forward in wing points at her chin. And she was dressed in an expensive double-breasted striped barbershop jacket arranged just so over a sheer black sweater, with a miniskirt that flattered her gorgeous legs. When she squatted down – not so subtly, in what must have been a rehearsed gesture – in front of Paul for an intimate chat, he had trouble keeping his eyes from wandering below-decks...

, and some people commented that it appeared kinda predatory/pre-planned (reminds me of some criticism of Francie Schwartz’s meeting with Paul), but overall cute and everything. At the time I wondered how people would react if Yoko did that to John lol. No way of knowing, just a thought. And also, I know Yoko sent him Grapefruit and little instructions often, I think that’s usually what people cite as the stalking, that she tried to ensnare him with it. Again quoting Yoko Ono: Collector of Skies, 

For a time Yoko kept in touch with John by mailing him daily instructions-she called this Dance Event-that said things like "Dance" and "Watch all the lights until dawn" and "I'm a cloud. Watch for me in the sky." John found the instructions as perplexing as he found them intriguing.

And quoting this interview (in which she also asserts that “each and every occasion she visited John at Kenwood, it was at his invitation.”),

Despite the popular theory that Yoko was frantically inventing schemes to snare the wealthy Beatle, she was struggling with problems in her marriage [with Tony Cox] and also working hard to establish her career in the UK. Arriving in London in September 1966 to perform at the ‘Destruction In Art Symposium’, Yoko was already respected as an avant-garde artist and performer in New York, where she was allied to the Fluxus movement. She had a trained musical background, and had recently been involved in the improvisational music favoured by her peer group. She had also compiled a book of conceptual and instructional pieces called Grapefruit, and printed up a limited edition.

Yoko distributed copies to a number of influential people during 1966-’67. And John Lennon was one of the recipients. This has since been interpreted as one of various ruses on Yoko’s part to enchant Lennon.

She retorts: “There was a myth that I sent Grapefruit to him… how I wanted to trap him. It was a printed, published book. I had an orange carton of them, a lot of it. I would be giving it to critics. It was that sort of thing. He wasn’t the only one who got it.”

X

And by then, John had already eagerly offered to sponsor one of her shows, I think he was genuinely interested in her work. I don’t think John was actually threatened by these notes or felt he was harassed, especially since he made the jump to invite her over while his wife was away (and Yoko just thought it was a party!). He once referred to Yoko “someone that could turn me on to a million things” in the Lennon Remembers interview, he admired her art. And I know he said to Cyn that the letters were just junk from another one of those weird artists, but c’mon, what do you think John would say to his wife regarding the woman he’s romantically interested in? I don’t think it would’ve been fully truthful IMO, especially considering when John said that he nearly invited Yoko to India around that time because he liked her so.

2 is very true. Tony himself tried to make it seem like Yoko and John were crazy heroin druggies, and that's the case he tried to make (and that’s what he tried to tell Kyoko, that he was “saving” her from drug obsessed occultists). But, Yoko had gone “cold turkey” (ala the song) off heroin in 1969. This was 2 years before she won full custody in 1971. 

Although neither parent had been awarded sole custody of the child, Mr. Cox became increasingly reluctant to let Yoko and her new husband spend time with Kyoko, and finally refused to permit it at all. For a year before the Lennons came to America, they had been chasing Mr. Cox and Kyoko around Europe. In Majorca, Spain, the Lennons caught up with them and spirited Kyoko off to their hotel; but Mr. Cox called the police, and a Spanish court gave the child back to him. The incident added to his fear that the Lennons wanted to take her away from him for good.

Soon after the Lennons arrived in New York, they went to the United States Virgin Islands, to the same court where Yoko had been divorced, and that court awarded her permanent custody of her daughter.

X

But, Tony then took Kyoko to Texas (hiding/kidnapping her) which was in violation of that court order. Then more custody battle due to Tony’s stubbornness and evasiveness, but yes, Yoko did win custody then despite everything (even though John was very threatened by Tony lol, to the point he disallowed Yoko to visit him alone in order to discuss co-parenting when that was an option and suggested kidnapping Kyoko. But then again Tony was also kinda crazy. Seriously though IMO Yoko really tried gallantly to have Kyoko in her life, and the loss hurt her. To hear people try to spin it as Yoko being the monster in the situation through misinformation is unfortunate.)

3 is hypothetical, but I do speculate that if Yoko was white, the attitude toward her would’ve been different. Sean said, “It’s intense how racist the world is. If my mother had looked like Debbie Harry, I really think the reaction would have been different.” (X) Yoko’s former partner, Sam Havadtoy, also touched on this in an interview from 1990:

Q: ...No matter what Yoko does, she’s frequently the victim of a bad press. Any idea why?

Havadtoy: After John’s death, newspapers wrote that Yoko was this selfish person hoarding John’s memory, controlling it, not willing to share it with his fans. So after two years, she puts out 200 hours of film footage and a record and they say she’s exploiting John’s memory. She can’t win.

Q: Why not?

Havadtoy: Racism. If she were blond-haired and blue-eyed, nobody would have blamed her for breaking up the Beatles. They were the darlings of the universe; she was an outsider, an Oriental, an avant-garde artist--easy to pick on. When John married Yoko, the British press wrote: “At least he will have clean laundry.” And it’s still happening. America is infatuated with Japan-bashing. 

X

And I do think Season Of Glass was a memory thing, I posted about it here: X. 

And yes, I think that much of Yoko’s criticism/legacy was rooted in that initial reaction, which was pretty sexist and racist. But I think that influence can still be felt today, in ways that aren’t obvious. And like you said, unintentional. (Before anyone gets mad, if you dislike or hate Yoko that doesn't automatically make you racist lol. But the narrative built around her might’ve influenced your opinion of her, and the narrative was kinda rooted in a racist mentality. So that’s why and re-interpreting her in a fresh light is necessary).

#sorry I know i've said something like that last paragraph many times but just to clarify y'know #yoko ono #the beatles fandom #asks #answers #long post #it got longer than i expected sorry!! #also anon sorry i left your ask unanswered so long!! hope you see this <3 #retrospective