#the only anime i’ve ever seen have an episode longer than 24 minutes

[rogueninja]

demon slayer is the anime game of thrones

#think about it. hugely popular. #extremely high production value #the only anime i’ve ever seen have an episode longer than 24 minutes #starting an arc as of im watching a goddamn movie #the only anime comparison i can think of is the opening to the first episode of naruto shippuden #maybe inuyasha the final act but like this is just SEASON 2 #ds diaries #<- this’ll be my tag if i blog more. idk #oh i also forgot to mention both are period fantasies

[osleyakomwonkru]

The 100 Fandom and Lack of Object Permanence

One thing I’ve noticed in this fandom is that fans - and often the writers too - fail to understand just how little time a lot of the characters have spent in each other’s presence. They assume much closer relationships between characters than is logical for the time they’ve spent together.

Now, yes, we often see them under stressful situations and stress brings people together in unique ways, but to really know someone you also need a variety of experiences - not just stressful murder-filled ones. Those less stressful situations, however, rarely make it to screen, or if they do it is just in short flashbacks, so people forget just how much time has passed off-screen.

Thus this post - a guide for fandom (and belatedly for the writers), who really need to learn how to understand object permanence - that is, the understanding that things (be they people, animals, inanimate objects, places, etc.) continue to exist even when they cannot be perceived (seen, touched, smelled, etc.).

Which is to say: We have spent seven years (give or take for when you got into the fandom) with these characters. But in most cases they have not spent that amount of time with each other. And when they have, it has mostly been off-screen, but this time is still important because it has major implications for how relationships between characters are and should be.

I’ve done the math on how much time characters have spent near each other, using the timeline on The 100’s Fandom wiki. Now, this doesn’t necessarily even mean they interacted each of these days, just that they were in the same places at the same times, so there was the potential for interaction.

“Day” is also flexible - sometimes they may have been present in the same place for the entire 24 hours, sometimes only a few minutes. This also omits the 125 years of cryo, because they were not conscious with the possibility of interaction. “Delinquent” in this context refers to those characters who were born in space who then inhabited the dropship camp in season 1 - that is, the 100 prisoners plus Bellamy and Raven.

I’m not going to get into every single pairing/grouping of characters, because that would take forever. But just some of the key ones.

Some of these results might shock you.

Octavia has spent more time with Echo than she has with Clarke.

Despite now being 33 years old (and thus the oldest Delinquent), Octavia has spent less than 7 years living in a society that contains more than two other people. The only living characters she’s spent more than ten years of her life with are Hope and Bellamy.

The longest continuously serving Earth/Earth-orbit-born leader since the Pilot has been Octavia, who ruled Wonkru for 6 years. It is possible that Jaha or Lexa might have had a longer period of rule overall, but the majority of it would have been before the Pilot episode.

Despite not appearing in a scene together between 3x15 and 6x02, nor being in the same locations at all from 3x15 to 5x13, Octavia and Raven have spent more time with each other than their combined total of days spent with Clarke. (That is, Octavia and Raven’s time together is more than Octavia’s time with Clarke PLUS Raven’s time with Clarke.)

Besides the Blake siblings and old married couple Monty and Harper, the two pairs of Delinquents who have spent the most time together are Octavia and Miller and Bellamy and Raven.

Bellamy and Clarke have only been in each other’s presence for 89 days. Given that Bellamy experienced no memory loss in either direction when traveling to/from Etherea and Bardo, this means that they must run at the same speed, and this means that Bellamy has spent more time with Doucette (sometimes known as Steve) than he has with Clarke.

Octavia and Murphy have only been in each other’s presence for 37 days, half of those in season 1 when Murphy was still the Camp Asshole, so Hope’s line about liking Murphy in 7x02 is pure fanservice because Octavia does not have the stories about Murphy as the Lovable Rogue that other characters do. It is also entirely possible that Octavia doesn’t even know Emori’s name, having only been in each other’s presence briefly in 3x16, 4x12, 5x12, 6x03 and 6x13.

If we accept as canon the deleted lines that Indra was the one to torture and infect Murphy in season 1, Murphy has spent almost as much time with Indra as he has with Octavia, and has exchanged more dialogue with her than he has with Octavia, who he hasn’t exchanged dialogue with since season 1.

Monty’s mistrust of Murphy in 4x13 might seem out of place, given what we’ve seen of Murphy’s growth over the previous two seasons, until you realize that save for a potential brief encounter during their shared time in Arkadia during 4x03, Monty hadn’t seen Murphy since season 1.

Murphy did not see a single Delinquent during the 112 days that passed from 2x11 to 3x06, until he met Clarke again in 3x07 and was in the presence of Bellamy, Octavia and Miller starting from 3x15. The only other main character he saw during that time was Jaha. These 112 days represent over half of the time (200 days) that the Delinquents spent on Earth prior to Praimfaya.

Jordan and Hope were born after Madi, but are older than her. They are also both older than every Delinquent character with the exception of Bellamy (29) and Octavia (33), being 26 and 25 years of age respectively, while the remaining delinquents (Clarke, Raven, Murphy, Miller) are 23/24.

The longest lasting romantic relationship between characters where both are still living is that between Miller and Jackson. Murphy and Emori come in second (because of their occasional on-again off-again situation, while we haven’t heard of the same being the case for Miller and Jackson).

Now, some might say that physical time together doesn’t matter in the face of fire-forged bonds and still “knowing” the other characters even if they aren’t physically present with each other. Now, to a point that could be true. However, what is also true - and the big point here - is that the more time characters spend apart from each other, the greater the chances that they build up their own versions of each other in their minds (and stories) rather than knowing who the real person is. This was especially the case in season 5 after what was a six year time jump for everybody, and it is coming back into play now in season 7 where the amount of time that has passed varies depending on character.

Will this ever be properly addressed? In canon, I doubt it. But maybe there can be some references to it, we can always hope.

#the 100 #the 100 meta #object permanence #octavia blake #echo kom spacekru #clarke griffin #raven reyes #bellamy blake #john murphy #nathan miller #emori kom spacekru

[fireflyhwufanficwriter]

My thoughts on Dr. Stone’s S02E03 (“Call from the Dead”)

My thoughts after watching Season Two, Episode Three:

01. Taiju and Yuzuriha have different types of shoes – that’s a nice detail 😊

02. Leave it to Yuzuriha the arts and crafts club member to notice a detail like the dirt around the grave being different!

03. Day after day… I wasn’t expecting them to visit the grave THAT often. I like that they used the same phrase (“mainichi mainichi”) as last time – in Season One, Senku used it to describe Kohaku’s dedication to her sister, and now in Season Two, Nikki used it to describe Taiju and Yuzuriha’s dedication to their friend 😊

04. I liked Kohaku and Ginro’s excitement at hearing Taiju’s voice. This is the first time they’ve heard an outsider who they knew right away wasn’t an enemy! (Well, second time for Kohaku, since Senku saved her the day they met.)

05. The next time I’m on the phone with somebody, I’m going to imagine the same huge arc of electricity that Kaseki did 😁

06. Senku was so emotional – eyes shining with tears, smiling as he listened to Taiju – and then it all went away because he had to remind his friend that HE was Senku 😆

07. Just like how Gen is the stand in for the audience (modern timers, but generally clueless compared to Senku), Kokuyou and Ruri are the stand-ins for how incredible the phone must seem to Ishigami Village 😁 Come to think of it, Kokuyou’s had that role since last season – he’s far away enough from the main cast that he doesn’t know all of their adventures (and that distance makes him like the “normal” villagers), but close enough that he gets to share his thoughts and theories. It was through his eyes that we saw the big impacts that bottling and furnaces had on Ishigami Village 😊

08. I know it was short, but I like how Senku greeted Yuzuriha separately. They haven’t had that much screentime together since the anime began, but I like how Senku and Yuzuriha have their own friendship, instead of Taiju being their go-between or something like that.

09. “He’s been screaming all day.” All day? Have they been there longer than just the few minutes we’ve seen?

10. Kohaku noticed the defensive reason for why they had to speed things up! 😊 And I liked her observation about Senku and Taiju 😊

11. It’s could be easy to just write Taiju off as a loud blockhead, but it’s scenes like his allowing Tsukasa to hit him in Season One and his question about bloodshed in Season Two that really show you the kind of admirable, pacifistic guy he is 😊

12. “Gen will be back tomorrow or so.” Okay, so we have an estimate of how far the two kingdoms/empires are from each other. I’m glad they mentioned this!

13. Magma and Chrome’s loud conversation really shows how much anime can improve upon manga. When you’re just reading, you do know characters are talking and being loud, but when you’re watching anime, it drives home the fact that they’re being SO LOUD and that they need to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Poor Gen… 😆

14. Thank you for finally saying Ukyo’s name, Gen 😆 Anime only folks get important information, and manga readers can sigh in relief that another character’s name has been revealed 😁

15. I’m with Magma. Chrome’s so selfish, worrying about his own life like that! 😡 Not like Magma, who’s strong and noble and self-sacrificing and only thinks of others and their safety 😁

16. You have to feel sorry for Gen… he’s trying to get the two of them to just SHUT UP 😆

17. I doubt Magma was seriously thinking that Chrome would go along with that plan, so he must have been joking… and the fact that we have Magma JOKING around with main characters after being the main antagonist in the middle part of Season One… they’re really pals now, aren’t they? 😲😊

18. Chrome’s battery has 15V… how much is that compared to an AAA battery for a remote control? I'll look it up later 😁

19. I’m a modern era person and it would have never occurred to me to use a wire to connect two ends of a battery and throw it into the grass to start a fire. Either Senku told him that battery stuff fairly recently and it was stuck Chrome’s mind because he was in charge of the heating team, or he’s just that much of a genius that nobody explained that to him but he intuited it anyway… or I’m just that stupid 😆

20. It’s expected that Chrome would sacrifice himself, but Magma… very impressive character development 😁 (I mean, I’m a manga reader, so I knew this was going to happen, but still 😁)

21. Gen’s eyes are blue? I never noticed until this episode.

22. Poor Gen… first, in Season One, he had to run like the wind from the shed of science to the Cave of Miracles while he was SEVERELY injured, and he had to do it as fast as possible to help Senku stay safe, and he was the only one who could do it… and now, he has to run like the wind while dealing with the knowledge and guilt that two of his comrades sacrificed himself for him, and he has to do it as fast as possible to be able to start his extremely important deception mission, and he’s the only one who can do it.

23. Gen really needs to get Kaseki to build him some kind of cable car system or a limousine so that he can travel in style between the two kingdoms/empires instead of exhausting himself all the time running back and forth 😲 Or at least a bicycle!

24. Since it’ll take Gen at least one day, possibly longer, to reach the shed of science, that means that Taiju and Yuzuriha must have talked to Nikki one or more days after they spoke with Senku. Anime helps with some things (like sound), but it can sure confuse people about the passage of time…

25. Copper swirly! 😊 I like Kaseki’s name for it better than Senku’s name for it 😆

26. Kohaku’s eyes! She’s SO fascinated by how the copper swirly is being used 😁

27. Nikki’s SO hostile 😲 I get that she’s a guard and everything, but she doesn’t really have a reason to be this hostile to Taiju and Yuzuriha, does she? It’s weird O.o Unless maybe she wanted to do something else (hunting/training/etc.) but she was forced to be their guard specifically because she’s a woman and can stick to Taiju AND Yuzuriha like glue? (Like Brienne from Game of Thrones.)

28. Why are her eyebrows a darker shade than her hair? This is sort of like Kokuyou’s weird hair colors, but to a lesser extent.

29. The punches are… she’s really hostile. Maybe it’s just to emphasize how much she changes later on and the episode, but it’s still so weird.

30. Didn’t Senku “die” on a cliff, out in the open? Kohaku was able to see him from (presumably) far away, and all that stuff with the gunpowder and the huge rock… am I remembering it wrong? Was it NOT a cliff after all? Because the rocks around this grave make it look like some kind of natural, concealed fortress!

31. Senku’s Sebastian voice sounds so silly 😆

32. I wish they had done Lilian’s voice differently. Gen’s fake Lilian doesn’t sound like a native English speaker while speaking English. Maybe they’re counting on the people they’re talking to not knowing the difference between foreign language accents… but still, this could have been done better. Maybe the studio just didn’t want to hire a new person to speak just a few lines. Or maybe they did this on purpose so that Nikki could notice something was off with her voice?

33. Yuzuriha being quick on the uptake again! 😁

34. This has to be the most stressful, rushed, and mathematical estimating of CD sales and body measurements ever 😆

35. The video game music was used in such a fun, light way last season (choosing the third mining team member) that hearing it in this scene for this situation sounds so weird 😲

36. That crouching backwards, pointing straight ahead Lilian pose seemed really out of place when the music is this really soft, gentle song 😲

37. I wonder if the stadium they showed us is based on a real stadium in Japan?

38. “Lilian doesn’t exist in this world anymore. Am I right?” Oh, Nikki… 😭

39. Senku’s eyes were shining when he replied to Nikki… I wonder if talking about Lilian reminded him of Byakuya… somebody who was in space with Lilian and also doesn’t exist in this world anymore… 😭

40. I love how Senku doesn’t lose anything or inconvenience himself at ALL by making that promise, since he’s going to protect the glass recording anyway because of Byakuya 😆

41. Okay, after Nikki committed to the plan (welcome, Nikki!), they zoomed out and the grave is seriously surrounded by all those vertical rocks. There is NO WAY this grave is in the same place Senku and Tsukasa last talked. No WAY.

42. I was SO surprised when the episode ended there 😲 That was NOT what I was expecting. This episode felt so short!

43. I still love this ending theme! 😁

44. About the ending theme (“Koe” / “Voice” by Hatena), songs mean a lot more to me when I understand what the lyrics mean, so I went to YouTube hoping to find an English cover or English subtitles or something. I found this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scv09Dtby-8) by a YouTube channel called AniComet Music, and from 0:12 to 0:34, the lyrics are, “I keep struggling and suffering, but still / I’ll gain strength from the feelings I’ve had for you / It’s a story that will never change / Even though I knew I’d never be a match for him.”

45. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel the song is from Senku’s point-of-view, and both the second and fourth lines could be about Byakuya (especially the fourth line) – in a father/son context, of course – of how he gets strength and inspiration from Byakuya and how he feels his father will always be beyond him and more than him 😭

46. With that said, even though my interpretation is really meaningful to me, it doesn’t really make sense, since “you” and “him” are obviously different people, and when you read more of the lyrics, “you” can’t really be referring to Byakuya. Maybe my interpretation will change when I listen to the song more and read more translations, but this is the first English translation of the ending song that I’ve read, and it really speaks to me 😊

https://firefly-hwufanficwriterrrrr.tumblr.com/MyDrStoneEpisodeMangaThoughts

#dr stone #ishigami senku #dr. stone #oki taiju #ogawa yuzuriha #asagiri gen #hanada nikki #lillian weinberg #ishigami byakuya

[love-sapphirerose]

Yashahime: Princess Half-Demon Episode 24

https://www.animenewsnetwork.com/review/yashahime-princess-half-demon/episode-24/.170860

Look, there was never even the slightest chance that Yashahime's 24th episode would end up functioning as a proper series finale. I knew that. You knew that. We all knew that. Over the last six months, Yashahime has rambled, meandered, bungled, and straight tumbled ass-over-elbows in its vain attempts at telling a coherent and engaging story, but never has it managed to establish so much plot and character motivation that anyone would mistakenly think that it would be a one-and-done. I was a fool for ever dreaming of a world where Yashahime might have the decency to end here and now. Still, you can't blame a guy for hoping right?

Except, we've also learned what happens to hope when Yashahime comes calling, haven't we?

In a certain sense, you'd think a part of me would be happy to find out that “Sesshomaru's Daughter” was never meant to function as a complete conclusion to this story, because that could only mean that this season finale has less responsibilities to juggle, in the long run. In spite of every attempt on Yashahime's part to sabotage itself, that last couple of episodes managed to lay the groundwork for something that at least kind of resembles a conflict for this final chapter of the season: Zero has been revived by Sesshomaru's Tenseiga, and now she's got some Rainbow Pearl-fueled demonic wrath to bring down on our heroines; Kirinmaru has also descended from the sky to do…something, which can only mean double trouble for the girls!

Haha, no. That would be far too reasonable a direction to take the story, so instead Yashahime decides to spit right in its audience's face with more of The Usual Yashahime Bullshit™, starting mere seconds after Sesshomaru revives Zero with the Tenseiga. For some reason, Sesshomaru reveals that he is no longer concerned about her mortal link with Rin, and vows to do…something to her that involves a thorough stabbing. The logical assumption is that he wants to kill her, but that makes a negative amount of sense given that she was literally just dead, so I'm just going to pretend that Yashahime is trying to trick us, and that Sesshomaru's plans are more complicated than that. Is there even a scrap of proof to that effect? Hell no, but we're only a couple of minutes into this thing, and our collective sanity can only withstand so much of this malarkey.

Meanwhile, in Spooky Tree World: Jaken notices that Rin is crying. Later on, he manages to hitch a ride with Totosai and his cow thing, claiming that he needs to fix Rin's sadness. How does he plan on doing this? What purpose does this mission serve? I sure as hell don't know, and it never comes up again. Next scene.

Before Zero has the chance to do a single thing with her twice-recovered Rainbow Pearls, Kirinmaru lashes out and magically poofs them out across the corners of the land. Yes, after spending an entire season building up the Rainbow Pearls as the ultimate artifacts of unlimited power or whatever, they served no purpose whatsoever before the script re-scattered them like the knockoff Shikon Jewels they've always been. The most reaction that anyone musters is when Moroha says, "Oh damn. There they go." Cool, show. Cool.

As for Zero? She disowns her brother and then magically yeets herself away by thwipping her spider-web onto the thin air. Then, Riku stabs Kirinmaru, which does absolutely nothing, before he flicks his little earring and poofs away too. Then , Sesshomaru goes after Zero and explains that Kirinmaru should fight his daughters as a “rite of courage and cowardice.” He then also just zips off into the sky. No, we never see Zero or Riku again. Their entire involvement in this scheme was – you guessed it – absolutely pointless!

Around this point in the episode is where you might be asking: “Wait a minute. Why does Kirinmaru tell the girls he would have let them run away if they asked? Why does he seem concerned over Sesshomaru abandoning his children? Why did he turn on his sister; does he still want to kill the girls because of that one prophecy about getting murdered by a half-demon? What does any of this have to do with the big evil comet that is going to strike the Earth in the future?” Oh, you sweet summer child. Yashahime doesn't give a shit about your questions! And no, before you even think about it again, the future comet and the Mr. Kirin subplot are not ever mentioned again, either.

With all of that out of the way, the only thing left is the big showdown between Kirinmaru and the three girls, all of whom decide to stay and fight the guy who has already handily kicked their asses without so much as breaking a sweat because…they think he's lying about being strong? And Setsuna doesn't want to back down from the rite of passage she only just learned about thirty seconds beforehand? Sure. Fine. Let's go with that. Who cares?

Now, I do want to say at least one nice thing about this episode. Even though most of the episode looks embarrassingly sloppy and rushed, the visuals really turn themselves around for this last fight, especially right at the beginning. Each of the three girls gets a delightfully-animated action cut to show off their moves, and kudos to the artists in charge of those sequences. If anything, the sequence might look a little too good, as it clashes mightily with the butt-ugly visuals that the show usually sports and serves as a bittersweet reminder of the series that Yashahime could have been.

There. That was technically a compliment, right? I hope so, because the pretty visuals can't save the back-half of "Sesshomaru's Daughter" from being almost awe-inspiring in its lameness. For one, fricking Moroha just gets whooshed out of the fight after landing maybe one or two hits. Again. Then, in order to deprive us of even the barest shred of dramatic tension, Kirinmaru loudly announces that he is going to threaten Setsuna's life in order to draw out Towa's latent power. Unsurprisingly, this leads to him murdering the hell out of Setsuna after she nicks his cheek with that Blood Blade of hers. Or rather, he slashes her from her heels to her head with his magic blade thingy, and then she falls down perfectly intact, and slowly slips away into her first “sleep” in years. Do you get it? Because Dream Butterfly.

One final almost-good thing happens when Moroha comes back with her Beniyasha face on, and she finally gets to help Towa land a major blow against Kirinmaru (it sure is a good thing that nobody ever pointlessly sacrificed their life to try and teach Moroha about the dangers of using her incredibly useful Beniyasha powers, right?). For her part, the raged-out Towa gets her own demony glow-up, and she ends up looking like a little silver-haired Super Saiyan 3 (Super Sesshy 3?). Two giant super-power blasts later, and…a slightly winded Kirinmaru admits his respect for Towa, and then flies away of his own volition. Then Sesshomaru comes back from wherever he was and offers his broken Tenseiga to Towa to help bring Setsuna back to life, finally winning that Father of the Year award he has been vying for all this time.

That's it. No, seriously, that's the end of the season. No mention of Kagome or Inuyasha whatsoever, no clues as to what any of the villains' true motivations are; we don't even get a proper explanation for whatever the hell an “Aruku's Pinwheel” is! Instead, Yashahime's first season ended as we all should have expected it would: As a slow-motion train wreck of gobsmackingly stupid writing, lame action, and a veritable mountain of wasted potential. So sure, maybe some of the series' gravest failings can get ironed out in another year or two. Lord knows that I would be ecstatic to learn that future iterations of this show ended up being halfway decent.

However, that would never change the fact that this first season was one of the most exhausting, frustrating, and disappointing anime that I've ever seen. So, with no small amount of relief, I bid adieu to our three half-demon princesses. I wish I could say that I'll miss you, but I most definitely will not. Except maybe for Moroha, who always has and always will deserve better than Yashahime. For the rest of the knuckleheads that have been leeching away at our time and our patience these last six months, there is only one rating they could ever deserve...

#anti hanyo no yashahime #anti yashahime #anti towa #anti moroha #anti sunrise

[draganasimpsforjeff]

Hunting Dogs: Chapter Seven (proxies x reader)

Age was nothing but a number to them and most, if not, all the time it meant nothing. Like part of the human race, you can die at any moment but you take precautions and you try not to be a dumbass and take care of yourself and you'll be fine. Every year was celebrated with a birthday, announcing that you were still alive to your loved ones.

But when you're a proxy, there is nothing to celebrate. If there was, it was just to get by another day. They didn't live life by miles and those are limitless and no one knows when those miles will stop. For proxies, if you reached the age of 25, it was like a big deal in a way that not many men got to see or get to. Yes, in the mansion there are countless beings older than such, but there was less pressure as there was on these three men.

It was complete hell for Hoodie and Masky when they first started as Slender thought he would need to test every aspect of them in anyway he could, even if that meant putting them near death. But, they are over the age of 25. Although, don't be a complete idiot if you think that makes them safer. It doesn't. It just means they got past a milestone that a great percentage didn't have the opportunity to get to. Toby was the youngest out of them, 23, almost 24. But hell, no great being like a Slenderman could threaten to ruin his life when the damn boy does it to himself everyday. The only difference is that He could make it the ultimate ending and act like Toby never existed and he would expect the same from others.

So, in ways the three men relationship was complicated, much like a Zeppelin Bend, when they worked together they were stable, so tight-knit that they knew each other's next move, thoughts, feelings.etc., they could be stable when they wanted to and be the scariest goddamn creatures ever known to man. But, if something was in the way or their thoughts didn't link together, the connection between all three was nonexistent. Like it wasn't bad enough that after a good day and a mission completed, they would cut the cord so fucking quick and lash out, becoming blood thirsty monsters that just wanted each other dead.

And who could blame them? The stress of them job mixed in with their emotions, the need to survive, and whether or not a mission was high-impact or not they were expected and felt the need to have the right. And you wanna know what their treat was for not fucking up? Not a nice dinner, no hot baths with bubbles, no 'here take a day or two to rest' or any bullshit like that. It was, Congratulations! You get to live another day! Now go back to your dim lit rooms with just a desk, bed, nightstand and closet, that half the time it looks like they had nothing to themselves. Whatever they had, they could fit in a backpack, but what was the point of personalizing a room to your liking for your own self expression when there was a chance you could be gone and hell... they didn't even know who they were, self identity  was a crucial factor here.

Sure, they may remember bits and pieces of what they like or, rather, what they thought they liked, but it was all blurry and covered in smudges, like imagine going to see ophthalmologist and instead of having you look through lens to correct your vision, it's worse and it's covered in black shit, yeah, that was basically they're mind. Amnesia though was the worst for Masky, but not like it was new to him at all. he suffered through it during his childhood and teenage years up till now. Hoodie just stopped caring even though he does miss his life in college and he became so invested in his study of Psychology and maybe that's something that comes in handy with this job, studying emotions, body language, and movement from a person or anything to be honest,  the best course of action, why someone may be acting a certain way(most of this thought goes towards Toby) Masky lets himself be easy to read, even with the mask, nothing could hide an animal like him...unless sedated. Although, Hoodie does remember Alex and how he was no longer Brian..okay well, he was Brian, but...not the same.

It's life, going through life lessons and you're in the process of character development, it was like that but it happened so quick for him that he was like a switch, he doesn't remember the last time he felt 'normal'.

Now, Toby. It was like a slow boil, adding in ingredients, not following recipe and wondering what was gonna be created. So much had happened to him with bullies, his step dad and whoever else wanted to get on his nerves. He didn't have much but Lyra and that was pretty much all he remembers now. Bits and pieces of his past, only just enough to make sense of why he should be grateful for Slender and why Toby has taken this position among the proxies. But he didn't mind it so much, why the fuck would he want to remember his past- apart from Lyra. Yeah, sure it hurt and feels like there is a piece of him missing all the time, but, at least there was a reason for him being so unhinged.

"Wake up, Tobs." Hoodie says, kicking the edge of the mattress a little, trying to stir Toby awake with his best ability to not also make him upset. If there was one thing that he could agree with Masky on, it's that Toby becomes the biggest dick ever when forced to wake up- that or he's whiny. He got no response back from Toby and he sighs, kicking again, but again, no response. "Dammit...Masky, did you force the sleeping pills down his throat?' He growls, looking over his shoulder at Masky who was leaning against the wall by the door.

"And have the possibility of me having to carry him around like a limp dick that he is? No thanks. Maybe he just hasn't gotten enough sleep lately." he shrugs. Hoodie sighs, nodding as he looks down at Toby, who as he was an active sleeper, his legs were tangled up in the blankets, pillow tossed over his face, his body angled in a weird way and the bed sheets were pulled off.

"NO!" he suddenly shot up, the pillow flying and his eyes widened and like he was out of his mind, psychotic almost, but Hoodie knew better. He rushes over as the younger one breathes heavily, cold sweat breaking around his skin as he starts to shake.  Hoodie sits near his legs, making sure to get in his line of vision. He doesn't snap or touch him as that would trigger Toby and it's not a good thing to snap someone out of an episode like this. "Hey, hey.. It's okay, You're safe." Hoodie says softly, moving his gloves hands in different motions and directions, making Toby focus in and follow them. "Breathe, inhale...1..2..3...hold...1...2..3..4 exhale." he continues this for a few more minutes until he knows that Toby's breathing was back to normal and was blinking, looking around at his surroundings, bringing himself back to reality.

"T-thanks. " He mumbles, he hates having to get help over something he should know how to deal with already. He's had these fucking nightmares for years and yet, they always feel like the first time and remain fresh on his mind until he snaps out of it. Masky swallows thickly, watching the two with mild interest before noticing the change outside. "It's not raining anymore." he says, making the other two look at the nearest window and nod, agreeing. "Let's get back to the mansion. Grab the things we need and see if BEN can figure anything with the girl." He says, standing up slowly from the bed as his back still hurts from when he fell off the ledge. He recovered mostly, thanks to Slender but his spine did give him a hard time whenever he had to bend a certain way. He use to be the type of sleeper to be on his back, but after the injury he had to figure out another way to sleep.

The men got situated, tightening their shoes and securing their items. Medication check, gun and bullets check, making sure they didn't leave anything behind of theirs or something that they may have missed in the apartment before leaving.

It was still chilly and their clothes were damp, but it was better than nothing and they were sure they spotted a laundry mat a few blocks down. Masky collected some quarters around the house so, at least they could get their hoodies warm and dry. After that, they made their way to the mansion.

"I don't know ma, I already paid for the room so I might as well use it." your mom called you this morning, wanting to visit you or vice versa. She thought that you could use a little break from working so hard and being 'so alone' at your place. Which, you appreciate the thought and could definitely get away from all the bullshit that was happening, but you were scared to go back to your apartment and pack what you needed. Plus, you didn't know if the men were there and just waiting for you. The thought makes goosebumps spread over your arms and neck, rubbing it nervously as you were forming an ache from the cheap bed. "I know, honey, but here, I can pay you the money you spent and take you out. It's been a very long time since I've seen you and I miss you sooooo much." you couldn't help but smile at that. Who could say no to getting paid for the money they wasted, getting spoiled and whatever else would happen.

For fucks sake, it wouldn't hurt you and you wouldn't have to think about being hunted and feeling like you can't close your eyes for even a few hours of sleep. "Okay, well, you know I don't have a car-"

"I'll pick you up. Just give me the address again and I'll be there in a few hours, mama had lots of coffee." she giggles, making you shake your head as she was a bit hyper when she has more than three cups of coffee. "Alright, just be careful. I'll text you the address." you say, stuffing items back into your bag and grabbing your keys and wallet, letting your pockets swallow them. "Okay, bye, love you." she says and you say the same, hanging up.

You blow out a breath, making your bangs lift up a little as you muster enough courage, picking up the bag and leaving the hotel room.

Please let things go back to normal.

#Hunting Dogs #HuntingDogs #proxies x reader #creepypasta x reader #cp headcanons

[deltaengineering]

Spring Anime 2019 Part 3: the doldrums

Spoilers: There’s going to be top tier shows in this season eventually.

Also spoilers: not today.

Araiya-san! Ore to Aitsu ga Onnayu de!

What: Anime schlub has to sub in for his father, who is a professional “girl washer”. He’s not supposed to go full lewd. He does.

❌ Unlike Nande Koko ni Sensei ga, this is actual porn. You just have to go looking for the full version, because the TV version is half as long (3:30) for some reason. I dunno, probably just a tight, moist timeslot.

❌ Well, it’s still Japanese porn so even uncensored you get mosaics all over the place, so maybe look for alternatives anyway.

❌❌ It’s porn, with all the writing, production and subtitle quality implications that brings.

Gunjou no Magmel

What: People explore the mythical continent Magmel in search for treasure and fame. A shounen protagonist watches them all die.

♎ This is based on a manhua, and you can tell by the typical tone problems. Everything about the characters is like an adventure shounen for the younger set, but it’s pretty violent and full of death.

❌ There’s nothing wrong with the above per se, but it doesn’t work. I would say it plays its hand too eagerly, so it comes across less of a subversion and more as just really juvenile.

❌ Beyond that incongruence, there doesn’t seem to be much to it. People walk into a meatgrinder while our protagonist is cool and sometimes slapsticky. Wow.

♎ It looks pretty okay, but there isn’t much effort or style to it. Hey, it’s not actually by some fly-by-night operation but by Pierrot, and they know a thing or two about (cheap, long-running) shounen.

❌ Well, they made a Chinese ripoff of Made in Abyss. I suggest you watch that instead. Or maybe Hunter x Hunter.

Isekai Quartet

What: The main characters of Re:Zero, Tanya the Evil, Konosuba and Overlord end up in a high school together.

❌❌ BUT IN A HIGH SCHOOL is only slightly less creatively bankrupt a concept than isekai itself, and only slightly less common as well.

❌ This doesn’t change my opinion that all of these shows aren’t very good. At least it reinforces my opinion that Re:Zero is the least bad and Overlord is possibly a bit better than it appears.

✅ The adaptation of the character designs to SD Flash animation is done well. In particular the Tanya characters looks better than in their own show and Ramrem are Nendoroids anyway.

❌ Going by the looks, this is building on the Re:Zero SD specials. Of course, the Re:Zero characters appear the least and Konosuba characters appear the most. It makes sense, because their bad comedy aligns best with the bad comedy of this show.

❌❌ I don’t think it’s funny and I have no love for any of the franchises/characters, which makes it a complete waste of time.

Namu Amida Butsu!

What: A bunch of bodhisattvas hang out in between fighting sins. You can’t spell “bodhisattva” without “bod”.

❌ This is very clearly an anime based on a mobile game where very pretty boys wear very elaborate clothes, so the character designs are eyesearingly garish as usual.

✅ Imagine my delight then when the first thing they do is to put them into frumpy tracksuits. That’s the single best joke I’ve ever seen in one of these. In fact, the whole episode is mostly based on fish-out-of-water comedy that’s not very unique but pretty funny when applied to these dreamboats.

✅ This looks a cut above the usual as well. About as good as Doga Kobo’s Touken Ranbu, which is the closest thing I can think of.

❌ The wild swing from cute boys doing cute things to fighting the bad mans is pretty clunky and it’s only going to get worse as a plot establishes itself.

❌ This is probably the best of these shows I’ve seen yet, but that doesn’t really mean all that much. A few decent jokes is not enough to carry something like this.

One Punch Man S2

What: The meme is back, baby. What, a second season opinion on this? Yeah, know that I think that OPM was fairly okay apart from the overreliance on its one joke.

✅ That one joke doesn’t even appear in this episode, which is the best thing they ever could have done. In fact, OPM S2 seems to hardly even be a comedy anymore. As someone who liked the setting more than the humor, I approve.

✅ I still like Saitama and Genos as characters as well. Plus, it never stops amusing me that One Punch Man is better at social commentary than MP100 and MHA combined, simply by virtue of being at least a little subtle about it.

❌ However, they replaced the joke with drama that wears out its welcome and a shitton of exposition. Neither of those are something I particularly want to see either.

♎ Of course the talk of the town is that this show moved from Madhouse to J.C. Staff and there has been a severe visual downgrade. Even though I will happily accept that downgrade in exchange for the show annoying me less, I can’t deny it’s there. I’d still say that it looks okay on its own merits, it’s only in comparison to the occasionally stellar looking original that it suffers.

♎ Since I’ve made it through S1, I’ll at least attempt to watch S2. It’s different but seems to work out to about as entertaining for now.

RobiHachi

What: Robby is a galactic gigolo and flies around with his straight man Hachi and a robot vacuum cleaner. Now that you say it, that does seem familiar.

❌ I had my problem with Space Dandy, but for all of its faults it was at least visually appealing. RobiHachi has the bare minimum of visuals and is so reliant on the banter between its leads that it might as well be an audio drama.

❌ Yeah, that banter. I don’t think it works at all. There is no wit and and barely any charm to it, which makes the whole thing extremely tedious. I checked the runtime when I felt like it was going way longer than the usual 24 minutes, and I found I was 8 minutes in.

❌ So the show does put an extraordinary amount of faith in the chemistry between its leads, to the point where there’s not much else (apart from the obligatory mecha parody that any sci fi comedy anime is required to have by law). 

♎ I kind of feel bad for this show because at least it feels like it’s going for something that might have potential. It’s just incapable of pulling it off in a manner that doesn’t bore me to tears.

Strike Witches - 501-butai Hasshin Shimasu!

What: OG Strike Witches, the baseline unimaginative 4koma comedy.

❌ I’ll just say that it’s baseline unimaginative 4koma comedy that fails (like most of these do) and move on to a more interesting topic:

❌❌ Which is the way this looks, i.e. shockingly bad. Barely animated skits can still look acceptable, but this is a barely animated version of something that looks like a 4th grader’s crayon attempt. And yes, I’m not expecting everything to look like glossy moeshit. I’m just expecting the comedy spinoff of glossy moeshit to do so.

❌ It’s Strike Witches. Without butts.

Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki

What: 3:30 regional/tourism anime about Nagoya, which is apparently full of strangely-accented catgirls that confound Tokyoites.

✅ This looks cute. Strike Witches could have looked like this, you have no excuse.

❌ Do you think Japanese regional accents are funny? If not, I don’t think this show is for you.

❌ The humor is shrill and obnoxious, which puts a pretty hefty dent into the cuteness.

#anime #Araiya-san! Ore to Aitsu ga Onnayu de! #Gunjou no Magmel #Isekai Quartet #Namu Amida Butsu! #One Punch Man #RobiHachi #Strike Witches - 501-butai Hasshin Shimasu! #Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki #impressions #spring2019

[douxreviews]

Travelers - Season Three Review

Season one was good; season two was better. Season three was terrific, definitely the best so far. If you haven't tried Travelers yet, you might want to give it another shot.

Travelers is about people from a far flung, terrible future who have transferred their consciousness into the bodies of people from our time who were about to die. Working in teams of five, Travelers carry out missions given to them by the Director, an AI in their own time, saving lives and changing key events in order to "fix" their own future, even if it leads to their own nonexistence.

Although there was still a lot of action centered on lifesaving events and efforts to fight the lawless anti-Director operatives called "The Faction," season three was a lot more personal, more about the Travelers themselves.

And here is where I'm going to insert an adorable spoiler kitten! If you haven't seen season three and you plan to, I'm going to spoil everything! Come back and read this review later!

The season two finale in which David, Kat and Jeff learned the truth about the Travelers program at first appeared to be a nonevent when the three of them (and the befuddled Ray) received a 24-hour memory inhibitor that Grant had used on Kat once before. The kidnappees were told that they had been taken prisoner and drugged by a psycho serial killer, Vincent Ingram.

But the wipe wasn't entirely effective, since the kidnapping had lasted longer than a day. Jeff, an alcoholic, was able to partially resist its effects, and he remembered that Carly wasn't Carly. While David resisted a similar realization about Marcy because he loves her, he was frightened enough by what he remembered to buy a gun and start taking lessons in self-defense. And Kat kept getting memory flashes of Grant lying to her and planning to hurt her.

Interestingly, the real FBI became involved in Traveler operations when the FBI director (David Cubitt) was cleverly brought onboard. Grant got a new, reluctant partner, non-Traveler Agent Yates (Kimberley Sustad). And a 21st century artificial intelligence called Ilsa began to channel information from the Director, who was finally able to communicate directly with Traveler teams.

Season three got stronger as it went, with increasingly serious episodes and a blow-out shocker of a two-part ending.

3.3 "Protocol 3"

If you don't remember, I'll remind you what Protocol 3 is: "Don't take a life, don't save a life, unless otherwise directed." In this episode, Grant woke up mindwiped and was compelled to backtrack his own actions and find out why, even though there was clearly a very good reason why his own team was keeping the truth from him. Grant discovered that he had received orders from the Director to execute Aleksander, the Romanian child that the team saved back in season one, because Aleksander would grow up to do terrible things. (It wasn't stated outright, but he was already killing animals, suggesting that he would become a serial killer.)

This episode featured a depth of tragedy as well as ambiguity that ended up playing out through the entire season. The team managed to convince Grant that the time he had spent with Aleksander that day had changed the boy's future and that they had placed Aleksander in another, more successful foster home. But there was major subtext implying that Grant did indeed execute the boy and couldn't live with what he had done, so the team had wiped his memory and had come up with a convincing lie that Grant would probably believe. I was impressed.

3.6 "Philip"

Philip and other historians were kidnapped by the Faction, who wanted their knowledge of the timeline. We learned that the updates Philip was enduring would eventually kill him. !!! After the kidnapping, Philip decided to stop taking the yellow pills that kept him from seeing multiple timelines.

While I like Philip and this was a strong episode for actor Reilly Dolman, the real standout in this episode was Louis Ferreira as Rick Hall, who was shot and lying on Marcy's table at the garage as the team tried to retrieve Hall's knowledge about what had happened to Philip. Hall's final moments hallucinating that he was lying in a sunny field of flowers absolutely got to me; I cried for him. Ferreira did such a good job of making Hall a memorable character, considering that he was only in four episodes of the entire series.

In this episode, it was finally stated aloud that the Traveler program didn't appear to be working. Even with all of the lifesaving, positive changes, the horrible future was still basically unchanged.

3.7 "Trevor"

Trevor (Jared Abrahamson) has always been a favorite character of mine. There's something about the contrast of a teenage body housing the mind of an extremely elderly man that I've always found appealing, and the actor really made it work. In this episode, Trevor developed "temporal aphasia," a condition in which he checked out of consciousness for increasingly long periods of time, making him useless as an agent. (Sadly, we learned that the only other person who died of temporal aphasia was Trevor's late and much loved wife.)

Grace, who has a thing for Trevor, decided to save him before the Director overwrote his healthy young body with a new Traveler, and she succeeded in regulating his aphasia with a device that made his body unusable by any other Traveler. I found this denouement bittersweet since Trevor, who is extremely old, was clearly ready to die but resigned to continue doing his duty.

The B plot was actually even more moving than the A plot when David's very first client, played by the wonderful Jim Byrnes from Highlander, died and at his funeral, David gave him a beautiful, heartfelt eulogy that emphasized the worth of every human being. This homeless man's influence was what made David choose social work in the first place, and that choice in turn had a beneficial effect on everyone David has helped. This was another episode that made me cry.

In this episode's coda, Kat decided to test Grant by taking him to the place where they met, seventeen years ago. When he had no idea why they were there, Kat finally knew for certain that Grant was not the man she married.

3.9 "David" and 3.10 "Protocol Omega" (finale)

The Faction set off three nuclear devices in countries around the world, causing hundreds of thousands of deaths. David was dragged into carrying out a critical Traveler mission and had to disarm the fourth nuke alone, absorbing a lethal dose of radiation.

Key government figures all over the world were taken over by Faction travelers, and our team was clearly falling apart. Trevor's aphasia returned; Philip was hallucinating so many timeline variations that he couldn't so much as cross a street; Kat threw Grant out and their marriage was over. David's painful death was the last straw – I found it practically unbearable. His last words came from the Director: "Protocol Omega," meaning the Traveler program was over. Later, Marcy committed suicide in order to keep the Faction from the backdoor-to-the-Director knowledge she had in her head.

I'm sure it won't be a surprise that I cried through these two final episodes, too. I even yelled "Nooooooo!" out loud. Marcy and David falling in love despite the terrible problems they had to overcome was the heart of this series. I can't imagine it continuing without it.

In the end, Grant used Traveler 001's consciousness transfer device to go back to his host's body the moment Grant met Kat, seventeen years ago – and then he let her go to live her life without him. On September 11, Grant was in the Tower before Traveler 001 arrived. Grant was the one to send a different message to the Director, telling It that the Traveler program was a failure.

So many questions!

Did Grant prevent the entire series from happening at all? Or are there multiple timelines where it did? They did give us a lovely alternate moment where David and the original Marcy met on the bus before her mind was destroyed by Traveler 001. And thank you so much for that. (Of course, in this timeline, there would be no Ingram to destroy her mind in the first place.)

After stopping the Traveler program from ever happening, Grant was checking his watch, waiting for the Tower to get hit by the plane – but there was no plane. Did it ever come? And why didn't the original Vincent Ingram arrive in that office to fix the computer? If 9/11 never happened, that would be really, really interesting. What could we infer from that?

The Director abandoned "version 1" of the Traveler program, and started "version 2." Is this the end of the series? Was it all a paradox? Was it the Traveler program that brought about the original future dystopia in the first place?

I should be bummed that the series might end like this, but instead, I find it fascinating. It's an excellent ending for the series, but it's also a surprisingly cool launching point for a fourth season, if they get one. Bravo.

Bits and pieces:

— The first two seasons consisted of twelve episodes each, and there are only ten in season three. But I'm okay with that; they certainly got the job done.

— Although... the introduction of Agent Yates, Ilsa the AI and Dr. Teslia seemed a little pointless. I thought more was going to happen there.

— Carly's ex Jeff had an interesting storyline this season when Carly deliberately set up a situation where Jeff would kill her, knowing that the Director would probably overwrite Jeff first. Which It did. Jeff later being taken over by Traveler 001 didn't work as well for me, although having himself chained to a wheelchair and bricked up behind a wall was gutsy.

— Gold acting stars for Jennifer Spence as Grace, especially in the episode "Trevor." Such a droll character.

— Honorable mention for Christopher Heyerdahl, who played a serial killer for five minutes in "Archive" and then played the Traveler who took over his body and had to face a lifetime in prison or possibly even the death penalty for something he didn't do.

— And a special grossout award for Heyerdahl's character vomiting up an eyeball. Bleeechhh.

— There were many shots throughout the season of only half of each character's face. I'm sure it was this season's Most Obvious Symbolism.

I thought this season was excellent. Four out of four pair of ducks.

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

#Travelers #Grant MacLaren #Marcy Warton #Carly Shannon #Philip Pearson #Trevor Holden #David Mailer #Travelers Reviews #Doux Reviews #TV Reviews #something from the archive

[obfuscobble]

SO I got my hands on the Japan Animator Expo 2015 collection and I thought it a good time to rate each short because I have some very concise opinions.

1. Dragon Dentist 4/5 Girl volunteers to be a dragon's dentist in the midst of a war. Inventive, compelling, beautiful.  Works incredibly well as a short, managing to tell a story far longer than its timeframe without leaving us wondering what happened or what will happen.  A very strong start to the collection.

2. Hill Climb Girl 3/5 Girl wants to be a great bicyclist, and the first step is beating her friend up the hill to school. Pretty good for cel-shaded computer modelling.  If you like Yowamushi Pedal, you'll like this.  Not stand-out but it's an endearing.

3. ME!ME!ME! 4/5 Boy gets dunked on by his own objectification of women. A truly stand out music video not just for this collection but within the genre.  That said, you do have to rewatch it closely to glean its themes and true place as a condemnation of misogyny as seen through the self empowerment male fantasies used by the boy to combat his own misogynistic fear of female desire and deep shame over his otaku life.  And there is quite a lot of female objectification in his life.

4. Carnage 3/5 Gunslinging girl seeks revenge for her family and her arm. Great attention paid to the one armed gunslinging.  The conclusion openly and somberly lays out what will happen next as this old town must pay for its sins, even if it perpetuates the cycle of girls losing those they love.

5. Gundam key animation 1/5 Literally the key animation drawings from Gundam shown side to side with the classic footage. Pretty cool for animation nerds and gundam fans but otherwise not really compelling as a storytelling vehicle.  I have to take off points on that account, but it is really worth a watch to see the keys.

6. 20 min from Nishi Ogikubo Station 0/5 not actually 20 min long. Just kidding! 4/5 woman turns into a cockroach, much to man's dismay. The sketchy art style, soft colouring, and jittery movement add perfectly to the piece's theme, making them obviously intentional choices.  The piece is still fluidly put together, with inventive plays on human/cockroach interaction and the how's of being so small.  The woman as cockroach is envisioned naked, but I feel that this is presented in a naturalistic (ie she just shrunk out of her clothes) and not at all prurient way.  Didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did!

7. until You come to me 1/5 Oh Shinji boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Shinji silently misses Kaworu or five minutes. I mean I don't blame him but... Nothing happens, and if one has no inkling about Evangelion, this short has absolutely NO meaning.

8. Tomorrow from There 3/5 Woman avoids responsibilities, calls from her mom, and the creeping sense of adult dread, until she reconnects with her inner sense of joy. A wonderful counterpoint to ME!ME!ME! that focuses on universal human fears and dilemmas, without objectifying women.  Uplifting with a powerul backing song.  But I have to be honest and say that its visuals aren't going to stick with me as powerfully.

9. Electronic Superhuman Gridman 3/5 You are a human with the capacity for joy and wonder, so you will appreciate this heartfelt ode to super sentai live action and robot anime. Comes complete with character design details to reflect the rubber suits and even the tiny screw to hold on the back of a model's head.  Has nice internal logic about the Gridman.exe who fights monsters with the power of the electrical grid, such as circuit power ups and smashing a tv screen to get at the enemy.  Even for those unfamiliar with the tropes, it's just a fun 6 minutes.

10. Yamadeloid 3/5 An ode to historical fighter anime with neat brush-line visuals and fitting soundtrack. But it just didn't grab me by my heart's cockles like Gridman did, probably coming entirely down to what shows I grew up on.  It was also a lot more fourth wall breaking, which is entirely subjective for one's enjoyment, even from one short to another as you'll see.  So I'd like to give it a 2, but I know that nostalgia was the only thing inflating Gridman to a 3, so I'll be fair.

11. Power Plant No 33 2/5 What if we just... turned off our millenial facebook phones... and really lived.... yanno? The instantly gripping visuals of a society powered by a beast that creates electricity, which must then go on to fight a space robot, are immediately undermined by the totes not subtle digs against modern technology.  I get it, technology is literally a destructive beast.  I get it, we should unplug and learn to live freely.  The animation was great but the moral was giving me the feeling that I should get off a luddite's lawn.

12. Evangelion Another Impact Confidential 2/5 Tall woman looks for her daughter, finds hostile wasteland. But what a woman!

13. Kanón 3/5 A Japanese take on a Slavic philosophic parody of Jewish folk mythology, or, "On Solipsism." Actually fascinating as a piece.  It moves very very quickly though, leaving little time for the jokes and philosophy to set in, but I feel the frantic pace was meant to reinforce the confused, overworked, utterly helpless feelings that the main character was experiencing.  The fourth wall break right at the end completely charmed me and even elevated the piece.  Loses points for the inherent misogyny of the novel it was based on, but otherwise worth a watch for the curious, and one of the most interesting Japanese takes on Judaeo-Christian tradition I've seen.

14. Sex & Violence with Machspeed 0/5 Just because you admit that you're being gross for gross' sake doesn't mean you're not gross. Look I could get into it, but I just hated this one.  If you liked Panty and Stocking, maybe give it a try.

15. Obake-chan 3/5 A series of charming shorts about a girl who wants to be a spoopy ghost.

16. Tokio of the Moon's Shadow 4/5 Boy who has, I goddamn assure you, THE. SHINIEST. eyes in the universe saves earth and his radio penpal from a space creature. Come for the innovative mix of animation styles, stay for the dance sequence.  Just watch it.

17. Three Fallen Witnesses 2/5 Ambition: the Anime. Like seriously, this is the 3d animation equivalent of the Ambition games.  It's also a very ambitious premise, based on prosecuting attorneys using "DNA time travel" to gain evidence on a murder case.  Alas, I really feel it should have had longer to play in its world and the case itself.

18. The Diary of Ochibi 3/5 Edible stop motion is here!

19. I Can Friday by Day! 5/5 Tiny space squirrels fight tiny space rabbits, each piloting robot teenagers. Highly creative, wondrously fun, and yet with a good plot and even characterisation to hold it together past the visuals.  I'd love to see this as a short series, as I feel the premise, world, and character sketches could easily be filled out into a humourous and yet compelling larger narrative.

20a. ME!ME!ME! Chronic 1/5 Basically a remix.  Lacking the narrative of the original hurts it because then its just boobs and yonic symbolism and the guns that shoot them.  Still good music.

20b. The Making of Evangelion Another Impact Confidential 1/5 Interesting if you want to see how the short was designed and technically compiled.

21. Iconic Field 2/5 Never try to fit 13 episodes into 6 minutes. This is obviously angling to become a longer syndicated series but not only did they rush too many of their ideas and subplots into it, but they obviously ran out of money and production time.  Some shots are replaced with concept sketches, and there was no voice acting when clearly it was intended to be present.  It's creative in its character and mecha design, but the plot is another riff on the seeded earth hypothesis whose unanimated conclusion you can still see a mile away.

22. On a Gloomy Night Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! 1/5 Never try to fit 13 episodes into 6 minutes using Auld Lang Syne as your backing track.

23. Memoirs of Amorous Gentlemen 1/5 Honestly not sure how to classify this one.  It's about a sex worker, it's presented with a quite effective animation style, but in the end it's all about the sex worker accepting abuse from another as her tragic role in the world. Ehn.

24. Rapid Rouge 4/5 In the world of the techno-daimyo, there is only loss. BRILLIANT use of a limited colour palette.  Loses one point due to not fully delivering on the emotional character-sacrifice punch it wanted and for being unartfully open ended.  If it delivers on a second episode like it promises, I might amend my opinion.  It was so close to being perfect, yet didn't manage to get me to care enough about its characters in its short run time, unlike...

25. Hammerhead 5/5 Highly violent, yes, but emotionally impactful to the extreme; I cried both times I've watched it. Update: three times. Wonderful traditional animation, powerful emotional centre, and perhaps the best animation I've ever seen to portray a human's physical demeanour in deep emotional distress.  I absolutely recommend watching this.

26. Conte Hitman 3/5 Manzai routine with clever twists and turns.  Porque no los dos, the sketch.

[ayellowbirds]

Keshet Rewatches All of Scooby-Doo, Pt. 1: "What a Night for a Knight"

("Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!" Season 1, Episode 1)

AKA, "Fred Jones, Amateur Burglar"

The Scoobynatural crossover got an itch started that needed scratching, so I took advantage of a county-wide library system to get the complete Scooby-Doo, Where Are You on DVD. I’m going to try to watch—and blog about—at least the entire run of this series, and maybe more beyond.

The episode opens with the creepy scene of a deliveryman carting a wooden box down a lonesome road on a moonlit night. The box is addressed to "Jameson Hyde White, Professor of Archeology (sic), London, England". The contents are revealed to be a suit of armor... with someone inside, as they open the lid and rear up menacingly.

More terrifying to me, however, is the fact that this package is completely unsecured! That truck doesn’t even have a proper bed with walls and tailgate, never mind the crate being secured in any manner. What the devil was keeping it in place, hope and spit?

Onto the scene arrive our heroes as Shaggy complains that Scooby insisted on staying at the movie theater to watch "Star: Dog Ranger of the North Woods", twice, keeping them out late. A chase after a bullfrog—familiar to any dog owner in areas with plenty of amphibians—leads the duo to discover the truck, now abandoned with the armor left empty at the driver’s seat. The rest of the gang join Shaggy and Scooby to investigate, and Daphne discovers delivery instructions that directed the driver to bring the crate to the County Museum.

"Another" mystery, Fred says, in the very first episode ever, implying that the gang was already well established as mystery-solvers at this point.

Rather than doing something sensible like contacting the police about an abandoned vehicle and signs of missing persons, the four teens and one dog help bring the armor the museum, where it has somehow gotten back into the crate. A curator, one “Mr. Wickles" offers his thanks, and explains that Prof. Hyde White disappeared mysteriously and relates that the “Black Knight” supposedly comes alive on the night of a full moon—just like the night before. He instructs some workers to put it away in the Medieval Room, and as Scooby follows along, he discovers a clue: a pair of unusual eyewear, or as Velma calls them, "some crazy kind of glasses" that nobody can identify.

Fred suggest the "one way to find out". I’ll admit that I’m pleased the gang’s next thought was to go to a library, but... again. Why not just go back to the museum? Fortunately, Velma has the pre-internet research prowess of an analogue Google, and finds an exact duplicate image of the specific kind of glasses in a book. Their origin in England leads Fred to suspect "something fishy", and declare that they’re going to "go fishing".

...i’m sure it sounded badass in his head.

On returning to the museum after dark, they find it locked "tighter than a drum", to Fred’s frustration. He pressures Shaggy into breaking and entering by pointing out that he’s the only one who would fit through a window on an upper level. I thought I knew where this was going, remembering a scene in one episode where Shaggy is revealed to be "the swingingest gymnast at [our] school", but, nope.

Fred pulls a non-folding ladder that is easily longer than the entire van itself out of the back of the Mystery Machine, revealing some other contents as background elements.

Fred.

Fred.

Frederick "Freddie" Jones, what the hell are you prepping for with all that stuff in the back of the van?

It’s no wonder Mystery, Inc. later characterized him as an obsessive trapmaker with an absurdly large inventory of supplies. This is the kind of stuff that an experienced group of tabletop gamers would say their characters have in their inventory before doing a dungeon crawl or going after Cthulhu cultists, not what a gang of 15-17 year olds would keep in the back of their van. Fred has all the preparatory foresight of dwarves trying to reclaim Erebor.

Wait, did I say he’s prepared?

Turns out that’s bullshit, because the ladder is too short by a good couple meters.

So Fred raises it up with a car jack.

Which still isn’t enough.

So... ah, there it is.

Yes, this looks safe. No reason to worry at all.

That’s a pose that fills me with confidence.

Shaggy leaps inside and produces a catastrophic crashing noise that continues for a full twelve seconds, amidst musical stings and cringes from his friends. Cut to the interior, and Shaggy is amidst a pile of broken and shredded museum displays.

If there wasn’t a crime to be investigated in the first place, the tens of thousands of dollars in irreparable damage that Shaggy has done to priceless artifacts ensured that there’s going to be a murder. Hell, I want to kill the boy.

As the gang investigate the museum, an encounter with the Black Knight leads to Scooby knocking Velma’s glasses off, the first of many (at least, in viewers’ memories) incidents where she fumbles around comically—mistaking the Black Knight for Shaggy.

Now, i have very bad eyesight. Approximately 20/200, which is roughly the visual acuity of a newborn infant. Without my glasses, I can see clearly only far enough to suck boob. But I can still distinguish large objects and shapes based on color.

Velma’s vision must be exceptionally impaired.

She mistakes the Knight’s growling for Shaggy still suffering from a lingering cold, and...

...where exactly was she carrying that bottle? She’s even got a spoon to pour it into. Shaggy arrives on the scene, and Velma shoves the dose down his throat without noticing the villain, but—wait a minute.

Ah yes, there’s those good old-fashioned animation errors. Either that, or Velma paused offscreen to pick up her glasses, re-pour the medicine, and turn to give it to "Shaggy” without actually looking.

Meanwhile, Scooby manages to do so much damage to the museum’s fossil displays that i've become convinced the Black Knight is just trying to get revenge on these kids for what must now be about a million dollars of damage to museum property.

The kids discover a hidden room where paintings are being duplicated, including a very Rembrandt-esque one. Fred and Velma have it figured out, but refuse to explain things to Shaggy and Scooby—or the audience—and instead insist on finally going to the sheriff about this.

So of course, the Black Knight shows up, and the episode’s main chase scene begins. Numerous visual gags and canned laughter later, Shaggy demonstrates another improbable talent, throwing his voice to make it sound like it’s coming from an oversized ceramic pot at the other end of the room.

This fools the Black Knight long enough that Scooby manages to accidentally start the the on-display biplane the duo were hiding in, raising the question of why was a gassed-up biplane on display in a museum? Demonstrating his reality-warping powers as a cartoon character, Scooby pilots the plane through the museum, taking off after the wings are knocked clean off by a doorway. A loop-de-loop later, the plane has been crashed right into the Black Knight, killing him instantly stunning him and revealing his identity as Mr. Wickles.

Wickles’s art theft scheme revealed and Wickles under arrest, Scooby manages to discover Prof. Hyde White hidden underneath a cape and a Pacific Nowrthwest-looking mask, made to look like a museum display piece. The gang identify Hyde White in an instant despite this being the first time they’ve seen him, and the action cuts to the denouement, where Hyde White apparently is suffering no ill effects from having been forced into a standing position, bound and gagged, for at least 24 hours straight.

Oh, and Scooby puts on the Black Knight armor, scaring the gang one last time before revealing himself.

Oh you zany dog, how comical. Naturally this makes up for all the museum property you destroyed after breaking and entering. Nobody needs to be held responsible for that!

( i tried giving this a Read More but it seemed to glitch the text?)

#scooby doo #long post #KRAOSD

[kxlebcross]

[ even numbers for the weird asks, pleaseeee ]

me: has to google what are even numbers lol

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? lollipops, cuz after that i can munch on the lil lollipop stick too which keeps me busy lol

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? i know it totally doesn’t look like that but i used to be the class’ smart kid who participated in all kind of competitons and shit like that, was in the school choir, went to music school... so yeah, i was pretty much your average nerd, but then i grew up stewpid haha

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? a weird mix of tomboy and grunge, depending on the day and actual mood, weather and whatever the hell i got clean lol

8. movies or tv shows? movies - i usually lose interest in every series after like... 2-3 episodes? i only finished like 3-4 deries in my whole life so i guess the number speaks for itself

10. game you were best at in p.e.? i used to be pretty good at volleyball back then, though i was always considered too short to be on the school team haha 

12. name of your favorite playlist? am 4:44 with a little moon emoji, made by yours truly (aka me)

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? i don’t really eat sweets... but when i do i go for sour jellies but idk if that counts as candy haha

16. most comfortable position to sit in? have you ever saw one of those “bisexuals can’t sit normally” memes? pretty much all of those, i always sit in random poses until my back gives in, i don’t have a favorite position tho

18. ideal weather? the summer night’s warm weather with a little breeze, maybe with some clouds... but i usually enjoy rains and thunderstorms too unless i have to go out because then i’m like bruh

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? depends on what i have to write - for school notes i usually use a notebook and/or my laptop; for stories - my laptop or my phone’s notes if the inspiration gets me outside; everything else i’ll just write on random scraps of paper or in random notebooks just to never find them again haha

22. role model? i don’t really.... have one? i rather have a motto to live by but i don’t really look up to anyone tbh

24. favorite crystal? don’t have one, i dunno shit about crystals lol

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? go out for a nice walk or some drink with my friends, walk my cat outside or just chill on my balcony with a boo while terrorizing my neighbors with a randomly chosen edm playlist

28. five songs to describe you? human by sevdaliza badmind by kuzi scar by foxes throat full of glass by combichrist 5:3666 by machine gun kelly

30. places that you find sacred? uhhh..... i can’t really think of any that would fit here? but i never really step in weird plant formations in forests and shit like that, cuz better be safe than sorry

32. top five favorite vines? i literally only have one favorite vine and it’s the two guys chillin in a hot tub, thats it

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? every seasonal whiskas one because of the baby cats.... but other than that i haven’t seen an ad in ages, i don’t have tv and use adblock on pc haha

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? i...c an’t remember, it was probably one of the rage comics or trollface comics? can’t really recall tbh it was ages ago

38. lemonade or tea? lemonade, with lots of ice cubes and mint, give it to me pls

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? well in elementary some guy from the older classes took a sh*t then went to one of the classrooms to wipe his ass with the curtains there lol also some other time someone pissed out of the window on the first floor  in high school someone gassed the whole school with pepper spray, but like an insane amount, and everyone went immediately panic mode, police and firemen were called, the whole school evacuated..... and the one responsible for that had to pay like an insane amount of money for the police/fire dept. action haha

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? pants pockets, i don’t trust jacket pockets cuz they usually dont have a lil zipper to close them up and i’d totally lose my phone if i put it there, im stewpid like that

44. favorite scent for soap? orange-vanilla or some other citrus-y scent

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? anything oversized will do with some pants/underwear

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? probably a grapefruit, fucking bitter about everything lmao

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? once i laughed at a plastic bag being dragged around by the wind for like 10 minutes while being fucked up drunk... does that count?

52. favorite font? hands down times new roman

54. what did you learn from your first job? that the customer isn’t always right and that apparently i had a knack for putting down tiles

56. favorite tradition? does halloween count? i love halloween

58. four talents you’re proud of having? i’m a really good driver.... and i think that’s it? i really can’t come up with anything else... does being loud and obnoxious sometimes count? and i think i’m good enough with people too... and i think i’m a good listener? idk, i’m pretty useless tbh

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? give me the good old horror and make me the obnoxious side character who rarely ever speaks cuz no one ever asks them anything, that would pretty much resemble my actual life

62. seven characters you relate to? bojack horseman, sal paradise, loki from mcu, wednesday addams, oba yozo from no longer human, richie tozier, holden caulfield

64. favorite website from your childhood? club penguin! i wasted sooooo much time on there, sheesh....

66. favorite flower(s)? i really like succulents and ferns! and cactuses... or anything that’s low maintenance tbh

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? licorice... and also cucumber lemonade, gross

70. left or right handed? right

72. worst subject? i’m really bad with history and physics, i’m just way too dumb for those

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? around 9-10, i’m pretty much used to all my chronic pains and tbh i don’t like taking pain meds cuz i always have to take double because once i was misdiagnosed and spent almost a year on painkillers so barely anything works for me now... thanks public healthcare

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? fries... i’d love some now, i’m actually hungry 

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? coffee from gas station, now pretty much all of them have decent coffee machines and the prices are okay too and i definitely trust them more than any boxed sushi ever

80. earth tones or jewel tones? jewel

82. pc or console? i grew up as a pc kid and tbh never had the money for a console so i just got stuck with it haha

84. podcasts or talk radio? if i necessarily have to choose then podcasts

86. cookies or cupcakes? both as long as its witch choccie

88. your greatest wish? let’s be realistic - i’d like to have my own place and little car and cats and i’d be all good

90. luckiest mistake? drunk kissing this one guy from my esports team after telling him i was a lesbian and he told me he had a girlfriend, it was stewpid tho, lets not get back to it

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? sunlight and fairy lights, the latter necessarily in blue, it’s just neat and doesn’t bring in all the mosquitos at summer when i leave the window open

94. favorite season? spring

96. desktop background? some assassin’s creed logo fanart i’ve found on alphacoders

98. favorite historical era? i.... really...... hate....... history...... blame it on my middle school teacher who made me hate it lol

#answered #kush speaks #thanksies <3 #kuwentista #i really cant do math huh......

[magnumbill]

Maggy’s 2008 SpongeBob Reviews - A Chronicle of Teenage Anger and Cringe

Alright, time for me to open the archives and show you guys some dumbassery from my younger days. As many people know, I’m a contributor on the Annotation Station and one of the things we like to talk about and make fun of are cartoon reviewers who get extremely upset and personally offended by every little thing they review.  They also like to take on shows like Spongebob and Family Guy and chronicle their declines in a very whiny and fanboyish manner. The hilarious thing is: I used to be one of these people.

Between February and July of 2008, I wrote a long series of then-modern SpongeBob reviews for a Facebook group I created to talk about how awesome old SB was and how shit it was at that point.  The group was made in December 2007 after some high school friends and I talked about the decline of the show at our lunch table.  I wrote these reviews in a series of message board posts back when Facebook actually had message boards.  People seemed to really enjoy them, so I kept writing them.  I also spent a lot of time on the SpongeBob TV.com forums and I even posted at least one of the reviews to the site.  However, my obsession eventually got to the point where my dad intervened and told me I shouldn’t be obsessing over a show meant for 8-year-olds (and considering I’m now an annotator, I haven’t exactly learned that lesson), thus stopping the reviews. After walking away from SB reviews, I kinda came to the conclusion that it wasn’t gonna get better and that I should just walk away.  Years later, I did watch MoBros and Mr. Enter respectively just to see how deep the rabbit hole went, but I eventually grew out of those as well.  Today, I don’t really give a shit.  I still think the show began to suck after a while, but I rarely think about it anymore and I’m not interested in rewatching them to see if I was wrong.  All I really need is my childhood nostalgia for the first three seasons and Spingebill poops.  I’ve heard the new episodes are actually pretty good now, so that’s a plus.

So just to for you to laugh at my 16-year-old self’s stupidity and to get a glimpse of people bitching about SpongeBob’s decline before it became a popular subject on YouTube, here are the reviews I wrote for that Facebook group all those years ago. 

I should point out that many of the opinions I express in these reviews I no longer stand by.  I was a dumb teenager attending an all-boys Catholic high school mostly populated by jocks, so there’s a lot of me praising low-brow humor, saying some really ignorant shit about homosexuals, and bashing science for some reason.  I’ve changed a lot in the 9 years since these were first written and the internet was a different kind of place in 2008 (pretty much every mainstream internet reviewer was throwing gay jokes left and right), so please keep that in mind.  I also wasn’t allowed to say certain curse words on Facebook thanks to my folks, so expect some pseudo-swears and asterisks.

So without further ado, here are the reviews.

Ok, I'm going to try to review all of the episodes from season 4 to season 5. Ok, here i go.

Fear of a Krabby Patty- This episode is ok. The plotline was recycled from The Graveyard Shift, except it lasts 43 days instead of one night. Plankton's plan seemed like a gamble and overcomplicated, while other episodes follow the process of him just grabbing a patty and running off. Oh, and you never question where someone got a piano. They just found one, end of story.

Shell of a Man- Again, ok, but not great. It wouldn't kill them to use the word "masculine" instead of "manly". Spongebob's Krabs impression about Pearl needing an operation was awesome, though.

Lost Matress- This episode seemed repetitive. Does it seriously take someone that long to kick Krabs out of the hospital for lack of insurance. Also, Squid's third plan was utter crap, he just wanted to see SB and Patrick get killed. Normally, I'd see this as totally appropriate for his character, except he's at the risk of going to jail. Also, they had no right to censor the word "murder." It was already said in Nasty Patty. Even today, Nick doesn't censor that.

Krabs vs. Plankton- First of all, Spongebob isn't licensed to be a lawyer. Second, Plankton didn;t have a lawyer. Third, Plankton's been trying to steal that damn formula for 28 years and SB JUST FIGURES OUT NEAR THE END that he needs to use that fact against him.

Skill Crane- Again, usual S4 errors like lack of humor, repetitiveness, etc. It was ok, but the biggest problem is the unnecessary censorship. Cartoon characters over the years are seen playing slot machines, so if they used the skill crane as a gambling censorship, then that's bupkiss. One could argue that the crane takes more strategy than a slot machine, so my point may be null and void, you decide. Also, in Squilliam Returns, Squilliam has a balloon/casino.

Good Neighbors- Oh my god, where do I begin? How about how TOTALLY GENERIC THE PLOT LINE IS!? All that happens is that Squidward is slowly driven to insanity, and no matter what he does, those two dumbasses won't get off his case. Usually, SB and Patrick annoying Squidward leads to the main story, but here it IS the main story! The Good Neighbors Club thing is stolen from Club Spongebob, as well as reuse of jokes from past episodes, mainly using a joke from Squidward, the Unfriendly Ghost as a running gag. (No, the other thing) Also, Squidward did not deserve to be punished at all, and even if he did, he wouldn't get community service for the rest of his life, he'd get it until the town was repaired. What Squid should've done was do what he did in Opposite Day and try to run over and kill those two mothertruckers. Also, a kid told me this was his FAVORITE EPISODE! See what this episode is doing to people!?

[For context, I took a camp counseling job at my old elementary school a year prior and heard the opinion from one of the kids.  Looking back, I think he and several others were trolling me.]

Selling Out- This episode was extremely bland and it's only purpose is to show kids what really is in fast food. Also, we already know Krabs loves money, so you don't need to sing a song about it.

Funny Pants- This episode is basically Fools in April without the holiday theme. Seriously, Spongebob must be pretty damn stupid to laugh at a mild sarcastic joke for 2 days straight. Also, just because ONE episode has Sandy going on a scientific expedition to the moon, the creators decide to dump her original character and make her a 24/7 scientist. This trend will carry on for the remainder of the series, I kid you not.

MM&BB VI- Worst MMBB episode ever. Any idiot can tell Patrick did not have the lens cap on the whole time. Also, how did they get away with stuffing a boom mike in MM's mouth? Ren and Stimpy tried that same joke and got in trouble for it! Oh well, at least they added one adult joke in there.

Enemy-In-Law - Let us take a minute to explain how regular attraction works. A man is supposed to fall in love with a female of his age group. Plankton's probably about 30, and Mama Krabs is about 60-70. Who does he think he is, Anna Nicole Smith? Also, Plankton's robot dating Mama Krabs, that's just not normal.

Patrick Smartpants- It's ok, but again, it lacks humor. Also, Spongebob clearly pointed out the wrong area where Patrick's head was. It was close to the cliff, but Spongebob says it's about 30 feet away from the cliff, and Patrick says it's 50 meters farther away from that and it ends up being there! Brain coral is real, but it's shaped like a brain, not a standard coral. Learned that from Hoch's class.

SquidBob TentaclePants- This plot has been done before, and the only thing that makes this different from any generic teleportation plot (which I'm basing of that episode of Dexter's Lab) is the clarinet recital thing.

Have You Seen This Snail?- This episode actually had it's good moments. It's one of those few moments in season 4 where Patrick is funny. However, those scenes with Gary and Grandma didn't add to the episode are were just there to kill the required 22 minutes needed to make the special. "Earlier today at the craft store, I SAW...THESE HUGE BAGS OF BALSA WOOD! THEY WERE AWESOME!"

Dunces and Dragons- A lot of people hate this episode, but I think it's tolerable. It could've been better, like have the dragon be defeated in a different way. This episode does show how the Krabby Patty was made, and it fits the story told in Enemy-In-Law where Krabs said it was old family recipe. Again, same problem, lack of humor, but at least it isn't as repetitive.

Krusty Towers- This episode was actually pretty good. It was funny, it had a certain charm to it, and in some ways, it felt like a real Spongebob episode. I have no real complaints about this episode. If you play it in reverse, I hear Squidward yells "EAT SHIT!" They need to put that in a real episode with shit being censored by a sound effect. Instant classic.

Mrs. Puff, You're Fired- It was ok, the humor has improved a little bit. However, it follows the same formula as all of the other episodes (except Krusty Towers) where the climax doesn't really happen until near the end.

Ghost Host- If you remember in Shanghied, Patrick destroyed the Dutchman's ship many times, and it instantally got repaired, but here, he has to call roadside assistance. I thought the Power Within video was pretty cool, because it shows that if Spongebob was an animated series on land, it could be visually be as good as anime. Also, Squid has seen the Dutchman, like, 5 times already, so he has no right to be pulling this "don't believe in ghosts" crap. chimps ahoy- I think the reason they changed Sandy's character was to come up with more plotlines to add to the number of genres an episode can have. This episode was ok, though it's basically Texass with monkeys. It just seems like a normal S4 episode with attempts at humor and an ok storyline. Episode Ripoffs: Texas- the whole episode basically. Hell, they even have sandy singing. Suds- Patrick impersonating a doctor/professor was taken from when patrick impersonated a doctor. Whale of a Birthday- This episode was clearly made for little girls who think they're the shit. it does have good moments, like squidward trying to sing that song but failing (it's really funny in fast-motion). other than that, it's average. Episode RO's- Squeaky Boots- Krabs ruining Pearl's parties with his cheapness. It actually ties well with this episode where Krabs got her $2 boots...THAT SQUEAKED! The Chaperone- A bunch of fish from that episode come back in this episode. By the way, Billy Fishkin is not the blue fish with black hair, he's the fish with the brown afro. But like anyone's gonna notice/care. Karate Island- Not deserving of being the #1 episode or even getting its own DVD. This episode is all cheap action, but no humor whatsoever. The three bosses Sandy faces aren't even using real karate moves. Also, this episode shows footage of 2 trains colliding at one point. If you remember in the episode "Procrastination", there was a scene where a live-action drag car wiped out, but the scene got cut out. I think a train collision is more severe than a drag car crash. C'mon, Nick, make up your mind! Do you want live-action vehicle destruction or not? All That Glitters- This episode was stupid because the spatula was being treated as if it were a human being. Also, the frickin thing even comes to life near the end! Yes, I am aware that in Born Again Krabs, the bad patty came to life, but that was meant to be a joke, this episode they just give the spatula a life for no reason. I did like the scene where Spongebob killed the pirate, that was epic. Wishing You Well- This episode is actually pretty good. It's got some decent humor, not as strong as the old ones, but still enough to keep you interested. I actually liked the 2 songs Spongebob sung, the lyrics are OK, but the rhythm and instrumentals were top-notch. New Leaf- This episode is simply a showcase on how far Plankton is willing to go to get the formula. The episode is void of humor though, and it just seems to run on and on and on. There is one memorable quote though, and that is, of couse, "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!" -Plankton. Episode RO's- F.U.N- It's basically that episode except with Krabs being the victim. Once Bitten- It's clear that they put a little more work into this episode. I like the Mad Snail Disease thing, because it rips off a fictional disease in our real world. However, it seems too repetitive. They say something about MSD, scream bloody murder, and run. Patrick is also WAY too smart in this episode. He actually sounds professional when he explains MSD, which is completely out of his character. I mean, he explained the entire history of Wumbo one time, but he doesn't sound nearly as proffessional as he does here. Everyone knows that the doctor fish isn't orange. Gary actually suffered from a disease called "GrouchySnailitus." What...the...f*ck? Episode RO's- I Was a Teenage Gary - Gary suffers from some ailment. Wormy- Mass hysteria. Squidtastic Voyage- Great, now they're ripping off Jimmy Neutron. One thing, Squidward swallowed the clarinet's mouthpiece, not the reed. I really don't have much to say about this one. RO's- Sandy's Rocket- whole episode. Bummer Vacation- This episode really isn't half bad. Patrick seems a little TOO dumb at times, but Patrick doesn't play a huge part in this episode. Also, Spongebob not knowing what a vacation is rather sad. Spongebob successfully backed a truck up in this episode. Spongebob can't even back a regular boat up, let alone a truck. Overall, not too bad. Definitely not a channel changer. Best Day Ever- This episode looks like it stole a plot from a children's picture book and added Spongebob themes. It only lasts 15 minutes and it sucks. Basically, it's Spongebob running around doing good deeds at the cost of the activities he wants to do. I actually liked the Best Day Ever song at first, but it gets old after the 11th time. Speaking of which, they only use the first verse and the chorus of the song. They add a custom verse near the end, but it's not from the official song. The only part that seemed Spongebob-esque was when Spongebob was trying to break into Squid's recital. That was good while it lasted. But here's what else is wrong with episode: -Nematodes are valley girls. What happened to the awesome nematodes that bounced around saying the same word(s) ad infinitum? -Sponge being on Squid's VIP list. I doubt Squid would want Sponge 3 feet from his recital, no matter if Sponge saved Squid's ass or not. -Squid succeeding at his recital. That's never supposed to happen. Don't watch the Best Day Ever, you'll hate it. Episode RO's- Jellyfishing- the original Best Day Ever episode. SquidBob TentaclePants- clarinet recital Squidtastic Voyage- Squid suffers from an incident involving a clarinet reed, except this time, it really is a reed, not a mouthpiece. Wigstruck- I thought it was ok. It got way too repetitive, though. Sponge looks like a dork, I get it. Episode RO's- One Krab's Trash- Sponge finds a piece of headwear and becomes attached to it. That's No Lady- This episode is ok, but it really doesn't make sense. Patrick, in his Patricia disguise, behaves and speaks like he would normally. How everyone was able to think that he was girl is beyond me. What makes even less sense is that not only do they buy this pitiful excuse for a disguise, but they aroused by it. I don't think this is the kind of fat bottom girls Queen was singing about. But then again, the singer WAS gay. The Thing- Not sure about this one. The beginning kinda sucked, but it got better overtime. The music that was playing when Sponge and Pat tried to break Smelly out was AWESOME. This episode is average at best. Hocus Pocus- First of all, I think they can come with a better name than Hocus Pocus. I think episode could have been better. The Wizard of Oz ripoff is so obvious, it's not even funny, and that's what Spongebob is supposed to be. Episode RO's- Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost- Spongebob thinks he killed Squidward...or melted him. I guess melting can be considered death to an ice cream cone. The Thing- Squid gets turned into something or is thought to have been turned into something. What's ironic about this is that these two episodes air with each other.

[After these reviews, someone commented “You’re my hero.”]

I'm back to review more episodes. Also, I'd like to thank [NAME WITHHELD] for his statement, because it's people like him that make me come back and support this cause.

Driven to Tears- I personally thought this episode was too repetitive. It's basically 8 minutes of Patrick bragging about his accomplishment and then the other 3 minutes shows them getting in a wreck, and Sponge having to do the right thing. Not terrible, but not that good. Episode RO's- Help Wanted- Patrick pumps Sponge up for his test the same way he pumped him up in the first episode. The Smoking Peanut- Sponge turning himself in to save Patrick's ass. Rule of Dumb- Typical episode where a character gains authoritah and then abuses it. Nothing too special. That's all I can really say, except that there's no way Patrick and Gary can be biological cousins. The Pink Purloiner- To tell you the truth, I've only seen the last part of this episode. I just gotta say this, why do the jellyfish have rooster combs? Couldn't they just be multicolored or something? Some people may be confused why Ol Reliable looks totally different in this episode. This problem is explained in the godawful Best Day Ever episode. In that episode, Sponge had a net that looked just like "Ol Reliable 2.0", but he also had another net that looked like a standard net, presumably the original Ol Reliable. I think Sponge just got rid of the original one and replaced it with Ol 2.0. I also heard that Patrick grows a third arm in this episode. Last time I checked, starfish can only grow arms to replace any arms that have been cut off, not grow as many as they want at will. If they did, starfish would have, like, 100 arms or something. Episode RO's- Nature Pants- Two words: Ol Reliable The Gift of Gum- This episode was OK, I guess. I just wish they didn't put old, rotten pizza slices on Gummy. That's just taking it too far. I think the Best Friends Day was generic, but appropriate. After all, every day is a holiday for Spongebob, even if he has to make one up. LEIF ERICSON DAY! Now, on to the 5th season: Rise and Shine- Never seen it, moving on. Waiting- This short was bupkiss. Sponge was malevolent to all of his friends just because he wanted a g*ddamn toy to show up. Then Patrick does something to the toy, Sponge thinks he broke it, their friendship's in jeopardy, and it's up to Squid to tell them that the toy was supposed to do what it did, and that Pat didn't break it. CRAP. Episode RO's- Big Pink Loser- I bet the "breaking of the toy" was "inspired" by that scene in Pig Pink Loser when Patrick opened the jar and he thought he broke it. The only difference was that BPL's scene was funny. Sing a Song of Patrick- I'll be honest, this episode is actually pretty good. Patrick's song was retardedly amusing. My only complaint is that you can't stick a turntable on top of a radio antenna and broadcast the song on terrestrial radio. It doesn't work like that. Born to be Wild- Yes, they seriously called it Born to be Wild. Well, the Wild/Mild Ones thing was a good plot twist, and it does show that clothes don't make the man, not to mention SOME good jokes (like Krabs saying that they could beat Sponge and Pat in the parking lot, not as funny as other jokes, but OK). Also, Squid reveals that he wants to be a biker. While out of his character, it does show that Squid has balls after all. But still, it's average. Best Frenemies- The first part of the episode seemed kinda pointless, because the Kelp Shake vendors don't seem to know/care who Krabs and Plankton are, so they really could've just bought one. I think the theft plots were mostly Plankton's ideas. Krabs actually suffers spending a dollar in this episode. A little TOO cheap, are we? Plankton's analyzer is completely inferior to the one he had in the original Plankton episode. A little TOO scientific, are we? Friend or Foe- The episode really isn't any different from the other 100 villian-origin cartoons. I do have to give them some credit on this, they were able to answer many questions about Krabs and Plankton, like how Krabs discovered to joys of cash and got his first dollar (which we've seen in Wet Painters), and how hard Plankton really had it. I also liked when Stinky first seems to be this poor-but-kind store owner, but then he turns out be a rich bitch. However, this episode makes it seem like the creation of the Krabby Patty was done by Plankton and Krabs plagarized the idea. Also, this episode contains one of the cheeziest lines in SB history: "This is the greatest sensation my still-developing taste buds have ever experienced!" or something like that. Episode RO's- F.U.N- At the end of the episode, Plankton lulls Krabs into a false sense of security and grabs the formula, just like he did to Spongebob in F.U.N. Spy Buddies- Well, it's an ok episode. The battle between Krabs and Plankton was pretty exciting. This episode does have crazy moments, like Patrick getting his crotch blown off by a bomb, and Sponge sticking a quarter up Patrick's...OK that wasn't really funny. The whole disguise thing should have explained more, it seems cheap that Krabs said the change was from events far too elaborate to go into, but I guess it's because they were near 11 minutes at this point. The multiple-disguise thing was pretty entertaining. I say give this one a chance, you may like it, you may not. Episode RO's- The Algae's Always Greener- Krabs and Plankton switch lives. I Had an Accident- the occurence of two Patricks. Boat Smarts- Basically, it's the Krusty Krab Training Video with boats. Well, to be honest, it wasn't too bad. I liked it when they took footage of a crash dummy test and stuck Squid's head the dummy, no matter how cheap it looked. If you like random boat crashes, you'll get a kick out of it. Good Ol' Whatshisname- It's ok, but it's got problems. First of all, who gets 10 years for stealing a guy's wallet and running a stop sign? That's a little much for two minor offenses. Second, what kind of name is Mr. Whatsit Tooya? This name is stupid, and the writers knew that, because Squid says "What kind of ridiculous name is that?" Not even Moe from the Simpsons would find that name convincing. Finally, why is Patrick in jail, and why is he allowed to have a parchesi board in his cell? Episode RO's- SB Meets the Strangler- Patrick, to the dismay of a certain character, becomes that character's cell mate. However, this episode gives no explanation about why he's in there. The Krusty Sponge- Krabs's got a brand new marketing strategy...and it sucks. It seemed like most of the time, it was Krabs telling Squid about his cosmetic change. Also, how can patties become yellow from being rotten? They're usually darker colors, like green and brown. Did those patties have cheese on them or something? Episode RO's- Bossy Boots- cosmetic change to KK as well as a name change. Born Again Krabs- Krabs tries to sell people rotten patties. Squidwood- I haven't seen the whole thing before, but it doesn't seem to make sense why everyone loves Mini-Squid for doing everything Squid does. That's just cruel. Also, Mini-Squid talked BY HIMSELF at one point. However, I'm not gonna take points off for that because that's what happened to Bubble Buddy at the end of his episode. Episode RO's- The Paper- Mini-Squid is based off Lil' Squid from The Paper. New Digs- This episode was decent. It had some pretty OK moments. I have only two complaints. One, did anyone notice that on the day Sponge is late, it goes from morning to night in 2 minutes? If that was gonna happen, why did Sponge even bother going to work? Come to think of it, he'd go even it the day only lasted 2 minutes. Two, why are Sponge's parents moving into the KK? Is Sponge trying to find a retirement home for them? Who knows. Krabs a la Mode- This episode is pretty good if you like epic Plankton fights. There really isn't much humor in this episode. Just two complaints- One, Plankton got into the KK when it was closed. Plankton just threw the perfect time to steal the formula down the crapper. Two, how can freezing Plankton cause Krabs to automatically win? Krabs was still on the floor when he froze Plankton, so he would've gotten frozen too, and nobody would win. I guess the only thing you can do is use your imaginaaaaaaation. To Love a Patty- The writers haven't learned their lesson from Enemy-In-Law about normal attraction. Let's face it, we've all been waiting for Sponge to get a girl, whether it be a female sponge or a certain underwater squirrel, people have been waiting for this moment. Well, it's finally come...and Sponge falls for a krabby patty. Do you know ANYONE who's had a sexual relationship with a burger who wasn't on drugs? Another thing is that the song isn't as good as it should be. This would've been a good song if Sponge didn't switch between talking and singing every 15 seconds. Also, why do we need to see a close-up of the now-ugly patty every minute? We don't want to look at an unnessesarily-detailed nasty patty all the time. I'd like to not upchuck my food, thank you. Finally, Patrick says that he would get a patty girlfriend to show up Spongebob. This NEVER happens. What they did was drop a subplot. Now for the positives. Yes, there are positives. This episode perfectly describes a long-lasting marriage. It's strong at first, but then it gets ugly. (Note: This is not an insult to htiched people. I'm only going by a stereotype) And...that's it. Breath of Fresh Squidward- Yay, Sponge and Pat find a new excuse to stalk Squid! Why are they doing this? Sponge and Pat finding excuses to break into Squid's house and stalk him is precisely why Good Neighbors sucked extremely hard. Luckily, it only lasts a few minutes, as Squid gets shocked by the electric fense and becomes super-happy. How can an electric fense change someone's personality? But then again, this is new Spongebob, and nothing makes sense in new Spongebob. So, Squid is super-happy, Sponge isn't. It starts to take the same path as Driven to Tears, where Sponge gets slowly pissed at Squid's accomplishments, and then he finally loses it. He begins to yell at the innocent squid and kicks him out of Patrick's party for pogo-dancing with Patrick. GAY. Finally, Squid gets shocked again and returns to the pissed-off, sarcastic squid we know and love. But then Sponge and Pat get shocked and turn into Squid clones. Basically, this is Good Neighbors and Driven to Tears's lovechild. It's really not that good, but hey, you make the call.

Gotta go for now. BTW I plan to make a new, bigass review for Good Neighbors because it's just that bad. [This never happened.]

Roller Cowards- This episode is actually good. It has good humor, like Patrick punching his own reflection, Larry trying to get people to smell his adrenaline. The plotline is good because we can all relate to it, right? Give it a go. Not necessarily a ripoff, but the episode takes place in Glove World, the theme park from Rock Bottom. Bucket Sweet Bucket- They clearly tried to ripoff Wet Painters here. The episode had its moments, like Plankton trying to steal the formula with Sponge and Patrick either helping or hindering his progress. Sponge and Pat seem to not know what they're doing when they're trying to paint the chum bucket. They were painting themselves instead of the Bucket. Kinda weird, because they knew what they were doing in Wet Painters. Also, Sponge and Pat seriously act like they're meeting Plankton for the first time in this episode. They act like they're doing one of those charitable acts that you normally do for strangers. Plus, this is PLANKTON we're talking about. After all the turmoil he's caused, I wouldn't help him at all. The Original Fry Cook- This episode was kinda boring. Nothing really happened. All you get is some background info about the KK and some of the characters. Squid used to have hair, Krabs tried to enter the 90's with new rags and fly lingo, and Jim was the shit. There is one good moment, and that's the frozen krabby patty scene. That was true Spongebob. Night Light- The first problem is the person that needs the night light: Spongebob. This is more proof that the writers think that when his character calls for being a kid at heart, they take it literally and make him a flat-out kid. Seriously, have you ever met anyone shameless enough to still be sleeping with a night light? Sure, you get creeped out at first, but then you get used to it. Spongebob thinking that darkness is an entity that captures people only adds to the destruction of Spongebob's adult nature. The surprise appearance by MM&BB was good, but when Spongebob talks to MM, he speaks in a tone like he's talking to a little kid, increasing his tone as the sentence nears it's end and calling MM "silly". Sponge, MM may have Alzheimer's and generally stupidity, but he's sure as hell no baby. Also, at the beginning of the episode, Spongebob has a lazy eye. NO HE DOESN'T!!! Bad plot, ok episode. Episode RO's- Krab Borg- Sponge reads/sees something that scares the hell out of him, which causes him to overreact. MM&BBII- MM tells Sponge not to a shine a huge light in the sky unless it's an emergency. Kinda similar to what Sponge was told about the Conch Signal in MM&BBII. Money Talks- Average. Good plot, good progression, it's ok. The ending is a true mystery though. I mean, I think I get why Spongebob had Krabs's soul, because he was short on payday, so Krabs gave him his soul to compensate. But where did the other spirits come from? Why do they hold a claim on Krabs's soul? Who are they? Somebody please tell me!!! Episode RO's- Born Again Krabs- Krabs does something with the Flying Dutchman that involves Krabs risking his soul. Sponge vs. The Patty Gadget- This episode is pretty good. The fight got exciting near the end, and the rhyming was executed in a good fashion, except one of Squid's verses uses too many syllables. There is really only one thing wrong here. Why give a machine a funeral?

Slimy Dancing- Well, this episode was ok. I liked Squid's methods of getting into the competition. It was kinda weird that Spongebob was completely hollow in this episode, but that really doesn't matter because continuity doesn't matter in Spongebob. The cramp dance is kind of weird to be a dance, but the epilogue makes a halfway decent joke out of it. Also, if the dance competition only allowed single dancers, how did Sponge and Pat get into the competition? In the qualifying round, Sponge and Pat danced as a double act, so they shouldn't have qualified. One of the cheating competitors cheated by having a muscle fish in his pants. That was kinda weird, but funny if you can laugh at sick jokes. So that guy can't dance unless *insert sick gay joke here*. Anyone else notice Krabs appeared in the epilogue? It seems the writers absolutely have to put him in every episode if possible. A Flea in Her Dome- This episode was below average. To tell you the truth, not much happened. It was just three guys against an army of fleas, and most of the time, Sponge, Pat, and Sandy are fighting with each other. Patrick was the cause of most of the fights, but not for being hilariously stupid, no, by being a huge bitch. I do like how the fleas look. They look pretty realistic. So really, not much happens, not much humor to compensate for it. Episode RO's- Wormy- both episodes involve main characters fighting insects. The Donut of Shame- This one was kinda dull. Patrick's hiding places for the donut weren't funny, Spongebob eating the donut that had been in Patrick's ass wasn't funny, the angel donut agreeing with the devil donut wasn't that funny. What was funny? Sponge and Patrick getting high at the party. That was funny. The Krusty Plate- This episode had a good ending, the rest was meh. I liked when Spongebob went completely with his sanitizing, 007-style lasah. At least half this episode is worth watching. Episode RO's- Dying for Pie- the nuclear bomb footage is used in this episode. Picture Day- Why Sponge has to get his picture taken before he gets his license is beyond me. The episode was repetitive and had a terrible ending. Why? Because Sponge was crying because he was covered in Patrick's taco, and when he got cleaned up, when he was clean as a whistle, he was STILL CRYING. Dammit, Sponge, you got what you wanted, WHAT MORE DO YA WANT!? Pat No Pay- This episode is basically a shortened version of Big Pink Loser. What happens is that Pat can't pay for his krabby patty feast, so he has to work of the money, and he screws up all of his jobs. It's not that good and it's extremely predictable. Blackjack- This episode is a perfect example of how a terrible ending can ruin an episode. This episode is meant to be suspenseful and have a creepy atmosphere. In this episode, Spongebob's cousin Blackjack, a totally ripped sea sponge who used to beat the shit of Sponge during his youth, has been released from prison is threatening to take out his parents. Sponge must scan Bikini Bottom, find Blackjack, defeat him in a final showdown, and rescue his parents. Sounds thrilling, right? Seeing Sponge search down his childhood foe and beat him in an all-out brawl sounds epic, right? Well, if your looking for a funny episode, this one will leave you disappointed. They try to crack a few jokes at one point, but it ends up being a failure, because having Sponge's uncle make Sponge do stuff just because he can't hear what Sponge is saying really isn't that funny. Well, Sponge finally reaches Blackjack's shack, where his parents are being held. Turns out Sponge's parents are just celebrating Blackjack's release. But that doesn't stop the battle between Sponge and Blackjack from happening. Blackjack finally shows up, challenging Sponge to a fight. Sponge gathers his courage and prepares for the fight of his life. This is what you were waiting for, right? The epic battle that everyone in the episode had been making a big deal about is about to take place, and you're eager to see who will come out the victor. Well, guess what? The epic fight turns out to be COMPLETE, UTTER BULL SHIT!!! Blackjack, as he's about to attack Sponge, turns out to be AS BIG AS PLANKTON. Not only that, they all act like Blackjack has always been small. So Blackjack isn't a huge hulking sea sponge like Sponge said he was? Sponge was tortured by THIS GUY as a child? Ladies and gentleman, this episode marks that Spongebob has officially lost his balls. Trying to find answers to this oddity, I searched Google and found that sea sponges can only shrink if they're boiled in water. Wow, that jail must have had some pretty hot showers... Or they just f*cked up.

Well, yesterday, I saw some episodes from the new 6th season. Personally, I thought most of them were below average. But I watchd them so you don't have to. The first one I saw-

HOUSE FANCY- Well, it's been about seven years since we've seen Squilliam Fancyson, and in this episode, he finally returns. The first part was kinda boring because we already know how rich this guy is. I did get a kick out of the running joke about golden doorknobs. The joke about Spongebob eavesdropping on Squid for days wasn't that funny. It just makes him look like a legitimate homosexual. There was one funny part I though was both entertaining and strange. Patrick comes over to Squid's house to use his toilet. He then tells Squid in a subtle matter that he took a huge dump. The toilet then comes to life and wants to be put out of its misery. Well, it looks like the new writers have learned something from their past mistakes, and are only giving inanimate objects mortality for comedic reasons. The ending was interesting, as Squid's house, in its shattered remains, resembles that of the cave men, apparently. However, Squid shouldn't have won the award for fanciest house. It may date back to early ancestral house styles, but Squilliam's house is beyond fancy. Golden doorknobs, bitch. OK, not great, but some good jokes help it out. Episode RO's- Snowball Effect- Patrick trying to use Squid's toilet. SUN BLEACHED- This episode sucked. Of all things to celebrate summer vacation, this is the worst form of celebration. It begins with this really tan seal, who's tan is so good, he is worshipped by everyone. Why? Because the people of Bikini Bottom are stupid. He decides to throw a party exclusive to tan people. Is that supposed to be a reference to dress codes at parties or is it referencing a certain issue about skin pigment that I'm not gonna bring up? So Sponge and Pat think, "we gotta get tan so we can get into the party." So they turn Patrick's rock into a tanning bed. Patrick gets in first and comes out all tan and wrinkled. He then says he looks like one of those old people from soda commercials. It then cuts to an old guy advertising soda. Ok, name me one brand of soda that remotely uses old people to advertise their product. This joke makes no sense. If they want to use a joke like that, they've got to refer to something that actually exists. This is also a ripoff of Family Guy, who uses jokes like that all the time. The only difference is that Family Guy knows exactly where it's going with it's "manatee" jokes (that term's from South Park), whereas here they just go down a path of utter stupidity. A bunch of girls go up to Patrick and start worshipping him. At first, I didn't get this because Patrick was wrinkled and looked like he was 50, but then I thought if Hugh Hefner can get chicks with his aging appearance, so can Patrick. Sponge gets stuck in the bed for 2 hours and looks like how he does whenever he's exposed to air: cracked up, wrinkly, and talking like an old guy. Squid then enters the episode and laughs at Sponge for being sun bleached. No witty sarcasm, no smart remarks, he just laughs at him. I was like, "Am I supposed to laugh at that?" Patrick tries numerous times to make Sponge tan, and he eventually does. Party time! Before they get in, the seal actually takes a baby, throws him at a dumpster, and he lands into a wastebasket. Look, just because it works for South Park doesn't mean it'll work for everything. I mean, babies are delicate. He could've died from that. PRO-BABY TORTURE!? ON A KID'S SHOW!? WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO!? The ending is dull. Sponge is praised for being sun bleached I guess because he laid in the t-bed for 2 hours, they crank up the heat, everyone dies, the end. GIANT SQUIDWARD- I bet they came up with this episode after one of the writers was done playing New Super Mario Bros. and thought, "What if we make one of the characters extremely huge and chaos ensues?" Well, that's what happened. Well, Squid becomes giant from some sort of growth formula that was sprayed on him by his two idiot neighbors. Sponge, seeing Squid's massive size, says that Squid could play a game with them where Squid tries to tag Sponge and Pat while they're screaming bloody murder. Two words: unnecessary censorship. We all know Squid is going to use his newfound size to try to kill Sponge and Pat. Yeah, I know that's not nice, but they could have just said nothing. They could've just had Squid chasing them and leave it at that, no need for explanation. This also makes it seem like Sponge and Pat are unable to sense danger. Everything's a game to them. I bet if The Camping Episode was written by the new writers, Sponge and Pat would be trying to ride both the sea-bear and the sea-rhino rather that try to defend themselves from them. In other words, Sponge and Pat are out of character by being too damn stupid. An angry mob ensues because Squid tells Sponge and Pat to be quiet. They then tie Squidward down and try to burn him. Welcome to Bikini Bottom, home of the wussiest, most immature people...IN THE WORLD. Part of that angry mob is the medieval fish from Dunces & Dragons. Ok, either Bikini Bottom has an Amish community or they have found a way to travel through time. Neither is likely. A kid then says that the monstrous Squid may be nice. Look, I know the kid got the idea from a picture book, but this is SQUID we're talking about. Squid wants Sponge and Pat, two idiots who refuse to cooperate and think that danger doesn't exist, to somehow shrink him. He, of course, is not gonna play good cop in this situation, he's gonna play bad cop. Squid, being shunned by so many people, hating his life, and being the second biggest prick in Bikini Bottom (first is Patrick), is gonna show no mercy, so what would possess them to think that he MAY be nice? The Bikini Bottomites then ask Squid to do various odd jobs. *cough*SpongeWhoCouldFlyRipoff*cough* But the angry mob is reformed and tries, again, to get Squidward. Why? Well, a guy sneezes, everyone but Squidward blesses him. WHAT!? YOU CAN'T START AN ANGRY MOB FOR A PETTY, LITTLE REASON LIKE THAT!!! Squid, being so huge, probably couldn't hear the sneeze, you ever thought of that? Sponge and Pat have a sleepover in Squid's belly-button. Um...how gay are these people? Sponge and Pat decide to get Squid out of his blue ruin by making him a giant clarinet. Squid plays the clarinet, and it turns out to be the most beautiful thing he's ever heard. But then he shrinks, and cannot play it. They don't explain how Squid returned to normal size, but I think it was because the growth formula wore off.

Ok, I'm gonna skip a few episodes because they are ones in particular that I want to review. Also, I take back what I said about Sponge losing his balls. Stuff like that doesn't matter. Sponge is just supposed to be funny, which he hasn't been lately. I'm going to start with one people constantly rant on about: ATLANTIS SQUAREPANTIS-

[This review has two versions: the original Facebook version and an edited version made for TV.com.  Half of the Facebook version is missing due to Facebook reformatting the message boards into regular comment chains.  The TV.com version was not only edited to remove the curse words and some of the more offensive jokes, but the TV.com mods removed many cases of all-caps within the review.]

This "TV movie" is nothing more than an overhyped 45-minute episode containing none of the stuff that makes a Spongebob episode great. This is how the episode goes: Sponge and Pat are in Jellyfish Fields trying to take snapshots of bubbles. The only problem is that the flash pops the bubble and doesn't show up in the picture. They then proceed to sing a song about how everything in the world has to end at some point. It's not a bad song, really. They then enter the cave from Nature Pants and Your Shoe's Untied, where they find half of THE HOLY ATLANTIAN AMULET!! Our heroes then run over to the museum, where Krabs is trying to get some cash by putting a toll gate at the museum's entrance. Sponge and Pat enter the museum where they meet up with Squid. Squid thinks that Sponge and Pat stole what he thinks is the other half of the amulet that's on display at the museum, but to his surprise, he sees they have the second half. Squid then tells Sponge, Pat, and Krabs about Atlantis and what great things that they have accomplished. Sandy pops outta nowhere to say stupid shit about science, they assemble the amulet, and summon a pimped-out bus. But this isn't any pimped out bus. This pimped-out bus has the most unusual fuel source. Electricity? Water? Plankton? No! It runs on SONG! Since the bus, despite being pimped out, doesn't have a radio, the five lucky riders will have to sing their way to Atlantis. Only one problem. In musicals, there is never a logical explanation to sing, you just sing when the time is right, that's it. Also, the song is just about going to Atlantis and doing the stuff that piques their interests. In fact, the song is so basic, it could have the same amout of meaning as the song Sponge and Pat sung in the episode Neptune's Spatula after Sponge won the cook-off. "We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis!" Come to think of it, that song was kinda catchy. After Patrick crashes the bus into Atlantis, we see Plankton. Plankton wants to get ahold of Atlantis's weapons of mass destruction to do everything he said he was going to do in his version of the FUN song. There are many signs throughout the special that indicate that Plankton was just thrown in as an extra. First sign: they give no explanation as to how he got on the bus. Second sign: They have him exit the bus in the most illogical way: through the tailpipe, which the bus shouldn't have because it runs on song fuel. We then meet up with Lord Royal Highness (or Lord Royal Jackass, as I like to call him), who looks like a Blue Meanie from the Beatles's Yellow Submarine video and is voiced by famous singer David Bowe. LRJ falls down a large flight of stairs, which is about as funny as watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. So the episode follows a certain pattern for each character. They enter a room that reflects on one of the character’s traits, they sing a song, and the remaining characters continue on with the tour while the other one stays behind to bask in the room’s godliness. Well this isn’t a Willy Wonka ripoff! As all of this is happening, Plankton is trying to get to the WMD’s. The first room is the money storage room. Krabs gets such a big orgy from this, he even considers turning himself into money via a money press. First of all, a money press just prints the dollar design on dollar paper, so Krabs shouldn’t have been flat, he’s not paper. Second, and this is the main argument, how far can they take this simple characteristic? What sense does this make? What is turning yourself into money gonna accomplish? NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA. It has nothing to do with greed at all. Did they just do that to make the song longer? I bet that’s why they did it. I don’t remember it exactly, but I don’t think the beat of the song was consistent. Not surprising. Next, we go to the R&D room. We see an ice cream transmogrifier, good for the tonsil-less, I guess. Then we come to the main invention: a machine that shrinks a person down to microscopic size to fight viruses in MORTAL KOMBAT!!! Well, not Mortal Kombat, but in other video games. That’s right, this sequence rips off of video games. Basically, Sandy has to defeat a bunch of viruses in video games and defeat the giant nose boss to save Sponge, Pat, and Squid. They ripoff DDR and Bust-a-Move and that’s about it. What, no Pac-Man ripoff? No Tetris ripoff? What about Mario? That would’ve been easy, just ripoff Dr. Mario. We ARE fighting viruses, no? Also, the 8-bit versions of the characters look bad. I have a Spongebob video game for the Game Boy Color, and that game, the characters looked better than in this movie. The song? Ouch, not too good. Sandy, no one gives two shits about the periodic table of elements, at least when watching TV that isn’t Discovery channel. Next up is the art room, filled with artistic marvels painted by only the most talented artists in the sea. Squid’s song was OK, but the song’s video was average. The painting ripoffs are well placed, and many of them are easy to point out. Unfortunately, that really isn’t saying much. Plankton’s song is the shortest out of the bunch, another sign of him being thrown in as an extra. The video only uses the colors red, white, and black. This was to make Plankton look like a Nazi. Did they forget that Jewish people are watching this show? Making references to a group of people that caused the slaughter of a bunch of Jews on a kid’s show…not too smart. Finally, we get to Sponge and Pat, who get to see the World’s Oldest Bubble. Just go with it, ok? Surprisingly, there’s no song. Instead, LRH just leaves the two there with the bubble. Patrick snaps a picture of the bubble, and…OMG THEY POPPED THE BUBBLE!!! Yeah, after all of the singing and touring bull, we finally get to the climax of the story. The group meets back up at the banquet hall for a FEAST (sorry, no Snickers at this feast). Sponge tells LRJ about the sin that had committed. LRJ tells them that the bubble they popped was a phony, and he then pulls out the real one. Patrick takes a picture, and…OMG THEY POPPED THE BUBBLE!!! Yes, after popping a fake bubble and giving us a cheap adrenaline rush, we finally get to the REAL climax of the story. We then get to an action scene. Five main characters vs. an army of Blue Meanies. This would be ok if Sandy wasn’t the only one doing all the work. Sponge knows karate, Pat is a self-renowned world championship kickboxer, Squid can be a hell of a fighter when he’s pissed, and Krabs was in the freakin’ Navy. I think all of the characters can hold out on their own without acting as Sandy’s weapons. The characters successfully escape the Meanie armada, only to be stopped by Plankton, who has acquired a big-ass tank to kill people with. Death is inevitable. This is the end of Spongebob. Plankton fires the tank, kills the five characters (no blood, of course), and destroys the city of Atlantis. He then destroys Bikini Bottom, then moves on to the United States, North America, the other Americas, the whole world, the solar system, the universe, and all beyond that. In Heaven, Sponge realizes that like everything else in the world, his life would had to have ended at some point. Patrick is happy to find a place where he is not judged by his IQ, Squid tearfully reunites with his deceased father and finds love, and Krabs regrets his actions from his mortal life, wishing that he could’ve gotten more out of it than getting every cent and bill the sea had. Sandy, however, was sent to Hell for being a sciento

[the rest of this review is from the censored TV.com version since the original Facebook version got cut off.  Honestly, it’s better that way, that Scientology joke makes no fucking sense.]

Sandy's mental strain finally goes away, as she is now in a place where science really doesn't matter. Yeah right. Plankton fires the tank, only to find that it shoots ice cream! Could it have been any more anticlimactic? I mean, I get the ice cream transmogrifier from earlier, but how does that connect with the ice cream tank? Also, LRJ said he locked the "WMD's" to promote the growth of world peace. So ice cream causes wars and terrorism? Real educational. Because LRJ is in need desperate need of a main attraction, he captures Plankton and displays him as a sideshow as opposed to the now-destroyed bubble. LRJ does this because he thinks Plankton is a "talking speck." Well, you got half of that right, he does talk, but he's not a speck! Was he not paying attention at all during the fight scene, where Sponge and Pat clearly yelled "Thanks, Plankton!"? He's a plankton! A common microscopic organism normally eaten by small fish and whales. Note that I used the word "common." Why capture a common organism? What makes Plankton so special? The only thing that makes him different from other plankton is that he isn't a redneck, but I doubt LRJ knows that because he's confined to an unknown city separated from the rest of the world. So after that bizarre moment, our 5 *ahem* "heroes" set off for the journey home. Sponge sings a final song about how Bikini Bottom may not have everything they'd like it to have, but it's still their home, and to quote The Wizard of Oz, there's no place like home. So even a trip to Atlantis would have had to end at some point. This shows that no matter how great something is, it has to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, it will have to go past the point of no return. While the special sucked, it had a good lesson to teach. But wait! Wasn't the first song about how nothing has permanence? So we just had to watch the first 5 minutes of the freakin special to get the message, and that we waste the other 40 minutes watching beyond the point where the first song ends? That just proves how much substance this special has. What could be explained in 5 minutes was explained in 45. Overall, not funny, not deep, no plot, waste of time, waste of money. The only reason to watch it is just to make fun of it. Final Grade: F

[I wrote a review for Banned in Bikini Bottom in the same post, but again, Facebook reformatting has made it lost to time.  All I remember is that I got the villain’s name wrong and I kept bitching about how dumb the plot was, how annoying the recurring music number was, and how it was completely stupid that the Secret Krusty Krab had a giant sign advertising it’s presence.] 

OK, I'm not gonna review the episodes in order anymore. I'm just gonna do it randomly. OK, here's a bad one: THE BATTLE OF BIKINI BOTTOM- I actually had hopes for this episode. If you've seen the first few minutes of it, you'd feel the same. The episode starts out with Sponge and Pat picking out shirts that read this: BEST FRIEND -------> So that they can promote their friendship. But later the shirts point at two girls, and Sponge says that they gotta ditch the shirts because their "sending the wrong message." This could either be funny or offensive. If you can take a gay joke, it's funny. If you don't like to see Sponge and Pat being portrayed as being gay, it's offensive. You know what, Sponge used to be straight, but ever since season 4, he's been trying to get as many anacondas as possible. So after getting booted out of the mall for product destruction, Sponge and Pat come across a war reenactment of America's battle against the Red Coats. Now you're thinking, "That's not too bad. Maybe we can get a few thrills from the action." But then Sponge asks what the war was about, and Patrick explains. He says that the war began when a Red Coat told Patrick's Revolutionary ancestor to wash his filth-ridden hands. A fight breaks out, and I guess the war begins. So basically, Pat says the war was about cleanliness, and it gave us the right to be either clean or dirty. Well, Patrick then says that he's never washed his hands in his life. At this point, you should just change the channel. Sponge gets disgusted at Patrick's customs and a fight breaks out. Trust me, you'd be disgusted at Patrick too. Why? Because the animators thought it would be a great idea to show Patrick's lack of sanitation in very detailed extreme closeups. I think they were trying to rip off some of the gross-out humor Ren and Stimpy used. The only difference is that R&S had actual humor to back it up, and that's why it was such a great show. Not this episode, it relies solely on disgusting closeups. As the "new" series progressed, Patrick's character began to deteriate. He went from being just a simple character that just happened to have ADD to a dumb f*ck that can't crack a decent joke to save his life. This episode is Patrick's worst episode. Never has his character been so anally raped. Not only did they change him mentally, making him a filth whore, but they also changed him physically. They give Patrick things that he should never have. First of all, they put 2 large toenails on Patrick's legs. OK, what crack were they snorting when they did this? Would any decent person in this universe even consider giving Patrick actual feet, let alone toenails? His feet look like fingers. He has fingers for legs! Yeah, that's nice to know. Second, at one point during the fight, he says that the glove must come off. Then, he actually takes off his hand. You know what's under it? A HUMAN HAND! A HUMAN HAND!!!! Are you shitting me!? A human hand!? They had the balls to give him a human hand!? So, now what are you saying!? That Patrick isn't a starfish, but just a FINGER PUPPET IN A STARFISH COSTUME!? Well, according to the new cast, that's what he is. Patrick is a human finger puppet wearing a cute little starfish costume, and Stephen Hillenburg has been lying to us all these years. I think they actually did this to explain how Patrick is always able to randomly generate fingers. That's something that needs no explanation. He just can. Finally, they make Patrick grow a nose. No, not a little hole in his head, or a small round nose that sometimes appears on his face. They give him a nose that would outnose Squidward's. This is pretty screwed up. He then proceeds to pick his nose, in a detailed close-up, and chase Sponge around trying to fling his...nasal waste...at him. Thankfully, they have of courtesy of not showing this f*cked-up act. Well, at least they know when enough is enough. Overall, for sanity's sake, don't watch this episode. If you do decide to watch the episode, then you are brave, my friend.

Two years after I stopped doing reviews, the “You’re my hero” guy left me this comment and this exchange happened.

GUY: “I haven't been on here in two years, but now I am even more impressed than I was. The cash hungry execs at viacom should read these.”

ME: “Waited four months to reply, but I've got to say this. Honestly, I stopped caring about this issue years ago. Not only is it irrelevant for me to be ranting about a show in which I'm not in the target age group, but this was going to happen anyway. The show was getting popular, so the network decided to keep making more and more episodes. If the original writers of the show decide to move on to new projects, the network will hire new ones to replace them. It doesn't matter if they actually know how to write for a particular show, as long as they write something, the network is happy. All of this ranting and venting I did was not helping the cause at all. In fact, what I'm doing now is helping it. I stopped giving a shit, so I stopped watching. Plus, I just did these things for fun. The fun came from just pointing out fucked-up parts of episodes and making jokes about them. Why else do you think they're so overcritical? I was like the friggin Nostalgia Critic. So yeah, don't really care anymore. If you want overcritical reviews of a dead cartoon show, well, find someone else to do it.” GUY: “Well, at least you know you entertained me.”

And then I became a hypocrite and watched MoBros and Enter’s videos on the subject later on.

So anyway, those were my SB reviews.  I guess everyone goes through this kinda period at some point in their lives.

[newyorktheater]

James Earl Jones in 1974 King Lear

Christopher Fitzgerald and Bill Irwin in In-Zoom

Gospel choir member in Antigone in Ferguson

Elaine Paige in CATS

Among the avalanche of streaming options this weekend are a timely Beckett play and the rich theater offerings of an arts “marathon” —  both “opening” today — that count as must-see theater in my book. Two plays are opening Sunday that you could and should see (especially if they’re new to you). And then I list another ten still running that are worth catching before the end of their “runs.”  Unlike live theater on stage, some of this online theater you can see right on this page.

These recommendations are by no means all that’s available this weekend. For more listings check out my Calendar of May 2020 Theater Openings. and my overview of ongoing series and platforms, Where To Get Your Theater Fix Online

Must-see theater opening Saturday

Brooke Adams in Happy Days when it was on stage Off-Broadway

Happy Days Plays in the House Brooke Adams and (her husband) Tony Shalhoub will read Samuel Beckett’s Happy Days (I loved the production of this absurdist play in which they starred; my review.) This absurdist play about a woman trapped in sand somehow feels an exact metaphor for this moment, and since it’s basically a monologue, it may well translate well on the Zoom platform that the program Stars in the House uses.

  All Arts Marathon The All Arts Celebration of New York City (cultural) Institutions includes a healthy dose of theater — episodes on The Shed, Heather Christian’s concert-cabaret, Animal Wisdom filmed at The Bushwick Starr, the 1974 Shakespeare in the Park production of King Lear with James Earl Jones, Raul Julia, Rosalind Cash, Paul Sorvino, et al; Pascale Armand’s new work entitled “$#!THOLE COUNTRY CLAPBACK” (chronicling her family’s journey from Haiti) as part of En Garde Arts Uncommon Voices series, and Antigone in Ferguson, the production at Harlem Stage of Theater of War’s adaptation of Sophocles tragedy (featuring Samira Wiley, Chris Noth and Tamara Tunie and a rousing gospel choir.) (I’ve written extensively about Antigone in Ferguson) Some of these are documentaries that incorporate the theater rather than uninterrupted screen-captures of the dramas.

  Could-see theater opening Sunday

School Girls, or the African Mean Girls Play

The title of Jocelyn Bioh’s play that debuted Off-Broadway in 2017 (my review) is is almost longer than its running time. It was inspired by a true story. Pageant officials in Ghana maneuvered for an American-born Ghanian beauty queen of mixed race to represent the West African country in the Miss Universe pageant of 2011, reasoning that her lighter complexion would give her a better chance in the contest.

I And You Plays in the House Jr. A reading of the play by Lauren Gunderson, starring Andrew Barth Feldman (Dear Evan Hansen).  Q&A with the playwright after. Debut of “Plays in the House Jr.” Readings of plays for young people performed by young people, every Sunday from now on at 2 p.m. (My review of an Off-Broadway production of “I and You”)

Still Running, Worth Seeing

Clockwise from top left: Jay O. Sanders, Maryann Plunkett, Sally Murphy, Laila Robins, and Stephen Kunken in the livestreamed world premiere of the Apple Family Play, What Do We Need To Talk About?, written and directed by Richard Nelson.

“What Do We Need To Talk About?”

This tops the list on purpose . Streamed live on April 29 but available once again on YouTube, this is the fifth play by Richard Nelson about the Apple Family, a brother and three sisters in Rhinebeck, New York, and the first one specifically written for Zoom. It is beautiful and sad, funny and moving, terrifically acted, and perfectly timed – a precise reflection of our sudden new era.

Barber Shop Chronicles National Theatre At Home This play by Inua Ellams of the importance of barber shops to African men by presenting scenes from them in Peckham, Johannesburg, Harare, Kampala, Lagos and Accra over the course of a single day. Online free through May 21

Bill Irwin’s In-Zoom San Diego’s Old Globe The master clown presents his new 10-minute play in which he and Christopher Fitzgerald portray two fellows attempting to record inspirational messages with tragicomic results.Free on the Old Globe’s Youtube channel available through Sunday.

CATS The Shows Must Go On The film of the 1998 stage production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical, starring Elaine Paige and Sir John Mills. Available through Sunday afternoon.

COVID and Incarceration 24 Hour Plays This special edition of Viral Monologues offers 15 newly created plays about the prison system.  Of particular note are the plays by Lynn Nottage, Shakira Senghor and Lemon Anderson)

The Encounter St. Ann’s Warehouse A revival of the audio-heavy one-man play by Simon McBurney that tells the eerie true story of National Geographic photographer Loren McIntyre’s encounter with the elusive Mayoruna tribe while lost in the Amazon rainforest. The show had a run on Broadway in 2016. (My review) It will be presented through May 22.

Frankie and Will (MCC) This is a play for the ages – specifically two ages, our own and 1606 in England. In both eras, pandemics (the Black Plague; COVID-19) have shut down the theaters, leaving people, including theater people, stuck in their homes. In this 25-minute play, Talene Monahan whimsically imagines William Shakespeare (portrayed by Michael Urie, who’s rapidly becoming the go-to pandemic period performer) as trapped in quarantine with his unpaid apprentice Francis (Ryan Spahn)

Love, Loss and What I Wore (92y)

Times have changed since Rosie O’Donnell, Carol Kane and three other actresses gave a one-night only reading in 2017 of Nora Ephron and Delia Ephron’s popular play at the 92nd Street Y. The Y recorded the evening, and is now presenting it nightly on its website through May 25th as a fundraiser. But if we have been thrust suddenly into a radically different era, the resurrection of this decade-old play about women and fashion turns out to be a surprisingly good fit

Pipeline BroadwayHD In its second collaboration with BroadwayHD, Lincoln Center presents Dominique Morisseau’s “Pipeline,” a play about a schoolteacher (Karen Pittman) whose son (Namir Smallwood) got into a scuffle with a teacher at his boarding school and is in danger of being expelled, and arrested. As I wrote in my review in 2017, Morisseau masterfully upends the tired assumptions that might attach to such a drama, in a play that is not just smart and engaging; it is also the most literate of any I’d seen that year. Available through May 22.

Selected Shorts (Symphony Space) 

In the first ever virtual edition of Symphony Space’s long-running Selected Stories series, four familiar actors read the following short comic stories, based on the theme of best laid plans: Maulik Pancholy: Riding Solo by Simon Rich. Emily Skeggs: Miss Laura’s School for Esquire Men by Carmen Maria Machado. Allison Williams: The Meeting by Aimee Bender. Bobby Cannavale: Magnificent Desolation by Jess Walter

Must-See Theater This Weekend May 16-17: Beckett’s Happy Days, All Arts Marathon (Jame Earl Jones’ King Lear. Antigone in Ferguson, etc.) Among the avalanche of streaming options this weekend are a timely Beckett play and the rich theater offerings of an arts "marathon" --  both "opening" today -- that count as must-see theater in my book.