#the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start

[andthebeanstalk]

"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."

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Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.

Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.

But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.

I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.

Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.

I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.

Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!

Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????

This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.

It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.

They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.

It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.

It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.

#original #diary #ableism #ableism cw #if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER #maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED #I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING #maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either. #I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS #I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it #the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start #and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after #hLep #anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife #and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like #so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security! #i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON #if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests. #also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago #i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job #but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF. #i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am #hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind #it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing #hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days #listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change #and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning #okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌 #and also I deserve nice things by default #and so do you