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thedilucharem · 2 years

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Two Perpetually Broke Geo Dudes Hike Up Dragonspine for the Deceptively Believable Commission Worth 500,000 Mora (Part III)

The Ordo Favonius have a whole lot to answer for once they finally wrap their heads around how Itto and Zhongli clowned a legitimate force. Somewhere, Diluc is smugly grinning into his glass of grape juice.

Part I, Part II

As it stands, Itto and Zhongli sit underneath the kiosk at a bit of a self-induced impasse, caught in between the reality of what they had done and the lack of a commission that the both of them can agree with. If one was to recap from the previous installment of this roller-coaster ride, it can simply be summarized as such: They tried diplomacy and diplomacy failed. Twice.

Itto: (thoughtfully) You know, I kinda get what Diluc was talking about now.

Zhongli: (turns to him, numbly) About what?

Itto: So you know how he's always like 'Knights of Favonius, always so bad at their jobs' and stuff like that, right?

Zhongli: (nods once, distressed) Mhm?

Itto: Well, the knights here kinda suck. Like, really suck. What kind of guy who's a 'knight' or whatever just runs away like that? (snorts) Not any knight that has any sorta pride anyway.

Zhongli: (exasperated) Itto. (lets out an uncharacteristic noise of worrying frustration) This is the fifth time you've assaulted a public officer this month.

Itto had best hope that Shinobu is well-versed in Mondstadt's criminal law. And yes, Zhongli still thinks he himself hasn't done anything wrong.

Itto: (defensively) Well, then maybe he shouldn't have done that to me! If anything, he's in the wrong for trying to arrest us for no reason!

Zhongli: (rubs his temples) That's not the point! More will come and actually arrest you!

Itto: (scoffs) So? They can try to arrest me. They couldn't even if they wanted to! In fact, they could bring their whole force and it still wouldn't be enough to take me down! (crosses his arms) Besides, the guys back over in Inazuma City would give me more of a fair fight than the 'Ordo Favonius' or whatever ever could.

Zhongli: (facepalms) (wearily) We were supposed to simply pay a debt . . .

Itto: (lightly shakes Zhongli's shoulders assuredly) Come on, we still can! In fact, we'll settle this mora thing right here and now!

Itto grabs a commission with the number '5000' on it and shows it to a genuinely relieved Zhongli.

Zhongli: (scans the title) 'Maintenance'? (nods) This will do.

Itto: (brightens) Okay then! (turns to Katheryne) We'll take this one.

Katheryne: (looks at the both of them carefully) You seem up to it, but your companion there . . .

Itto: Pfft! (boastfully) Gramps over here is as tough as nails and almost as tough as me! We'll be fine, no need to worry about us!

Zhongli: Yes. (formally) We hereby accept this commission and will do it to its completion. The contract is set.

Katheryne: Alright then. (hands them a map of the general area along with other documents) (automatically) Farewell, and thank you for supporting the Adventurers' Guild. (pauses) And good luck!

Itto: (salutes) Thanks! (nudges Zhongli) Ready to go?

Zhongli: (lightly pats Itto's shoulder) (strained) Sure. (to himself) The sooner we leave the city gates, the better our chances of actually completing our commission.

The two of them make their way towards the open gate, acknowledging Swan and Lawrence as if one of them didn't just embed a leading officer into a stone building moments before. They make it a ways over the bridge before the next problem arises. As if it was going to be easy going forward.

Timmie: Hey!

Zhongli: Hmm? (looks at the scattered feathers on the ground then back at the kid) What is it?

Timmie: You scared my pigeons away! (stomp foot with anger) You big, stupid, meanies always scare my friends away! (looks Itto in the eyes, indignant with tears)

Itto: (scratches the back of his head awkwardly) Ahh, sorry kid. I didn't mean to scare your birds away, but-

Timmie: (sniffles) You're . . . you're sorry? (looks to where the pigeons flew off) (starts to cry in earnest)

Zhongli: . . . (to himself) Help.

Contrary to popular belief, Zhongli is not naturally good with children. Hell, he's not even that good at passing himself off as human sometimes. So here, he is presented with the opportunity to watch a master at work.

Itto: (hisses under his breath) Crap. (quickly, but as gently as he can manage) Hey, hey kid, don't cry! (crouches to Timmie's level) I mean, it's not like the pigeons won't come back at some point, right?

Timmie: (sadly, still crying) I know . . . but . . .

Itto: You miss 'em, right?

Timmie: (nods, sniffling)

Itto: (somewhat exaggerated) Well, of course ya do! They're your friends. And since they're your friends, they probably miss you too!

Timmie: (sniffles) Really? (skeptically) Well, Mommy says that they won't be scared of me if I love them, but they can love me too?

Itto: (nods enthusiastically) Yep! And since they all love you so much, they'd probably hate to see you all upset like this, right?

Timmie: (nods) Uh huh. (sniffles again and starts wiping his tears)

Itto: (encouraging) There you go. (lightly ruffles Timmie's hair and gets up) Now I know this isn't making up for much of anything, but I really am sorry about scaring 'em off. In fact, here! (hands him a small sucker) Who knows, maybe they like candy, huh?

Timmie: (laughs a little at that) It's okay, mister. Just . . . try not to scare them away next time?

Itto: (salutes) Absolutely! And that’s- (winks) a promise from the one and oni! Tell your friends I said hi, okay?

Timmie: (smiles) Okay, mister! Bye!

Itto: (waves) Yup, see ya around. (makes his way towards Zhongli)

Zhongli: (blinks slowly as he meets Itto in stride) So-

Itto: (cuts him off) It's no problemo, Gramps! (grins) As long as you're with me, I've got your back.

Zhongli: (gratefully) Thank you.

They almost make it to the other side of the bridge before a retinue of knights pour over the bridge and then stop, making a gap between the two of them and the company. Timmie managed to make himself scarce seconds beforehand.

Knight #1: (shrill) There they are! (points in their direction) They're the ones who did it!

Itto: (groans loudly) By the Archons. (to Zhongli) We can't catch a break with these guys!

Zhongli: (eye twitches slightly) For once, I find that I am beginning to agree with you on this.

Knight #3: (marches a bit closer and bellows) If you come with us now the punishment will not be as severe, but if you do resist, we are authorized to use heavy force to apprehend you!

Zhongli: (exhales deeply, rubbing his temples)

Itto: (at the knight) Hey, what gives?! We just want to finish our commission-

In this instance, before both sides would engage, an icy and rather ticked-off presence makes itself known on the side of the bridge that teased freedom and the continuation of sloppily laid-out plans. For you see, the devil works hard, but Eula Lawrence works that much harder.

Eula: Halt! What is the meaning of all of this commotion? (snappish) Quickly.

Knight #3: (coughs into his fist) Ah, Captain Eula! (gestures in Itto and Zhongli's direction) These criminals have yet to be apprehended as they keep resisting arrest for a multitude of crimes.

Itto: (yells over him) That is not true! (to Eula) Look lady, I don't know who you are, but these guys obviously have the wrong idea! We're innocent!

Zhongli: (drily) You were innocent before you threw one of them into a wall.

Knight #3: (confirming nod) The officer has yet to wake up from the barrage.

Itto: . . . okay, maybe that part is true, but you can't get me over that because he made the move first! (to Zhongli) Whose side are you even on here, huh?!

Eula: Ah, I see the situation now. (raises her voice) Hark, vagabonds! If you will not go peacefully, then I shall have to deal with you myself. (summons her claymore) Prepare yourselves, lest you are unacquainted to the world of hurt you may find yourselves subject to if you resist.

Itto: (growls and turns to face Eula) You can try, but I ain't going nowhere. (stomps his foot, causing a small quake on the bridge)

Knights: (nervous muttering and shuffling)

Zhongli: (steps in front of Itto) (to Eula) I give you my sincerest apologies in advance, but we do not have the time for this. The more time that passes, the less time that we have to settle this pressing matter. (with authority) So we will be going now.

Itto: (confused) Wha- hey! If she wants a fight, she's getting one-

Zhongli: (firmly) Itto. The quicker we finish this (holds out the commission), the quicker we can be done with it and move on. (emphasized) Please.

Itto: (begins to protest, but uncharacteristically relents)

Zhongli: (with a finality more for himself than anyone else) Excuse my bluntness, but if you will not get out of our way, then I will simply move you out of the way.

Eula: (pauses, then scoffs) And who are you to be telling me as such with whatever authority you think you have? (lifts her nose) The audacity! (prepares to fight) No matter, because you'll be soon taken care of anyway.

Zhongli: (gravely nods) Very well.

The instant Zhongli had made it up in his mind to choose violence for the sake of his self-induced contract, he spreads out his arms, a visible force of elemental energy rippling off of him in waves and sending the knights tumbling down to the ground.

Eula stood fast, using her claymore lodged unceremoniously in between the cobblestone even as her body rocked and roiled with the sheer force pressed upon her body.

And, perhaps for the first time in his life, Itto is rendered speechless.

Knights: (groaning in pain on the ground)

Zhongli: (nods) I commend you for still standing after that. Not many can.

Eula: (hisses under her breath) Egad! (grits her teeth and pulls her claymore out of the cobblestone, breathing heavily) Well met, good sir! In other circumstances, I would acknowledge you and cross blades, but unfortunately, there is vengeance to be had, and I shall have it! (springs forward with her burst)

Zhongli: (exclaims) Solidify!

Some time after what happens next, Eula would simply remark that it was a misstep on her part and that under different circumstances, things would have come out to be much more decisive on either end.

In a twist that no one in Mondstadt could have ever seen coming, a pillar hewn of solid stone materialized not even five feet from it's caster's person. The impact of solid Geo meeting the burst as it detonated deafened everyone present save for Zhongli and Itto.

Eula, on the other hand, was violently struck in the sternum and the ribcage with the tip of the stele, the pillar springing up on the side and effectively catapulting her body up and over the side of the bridge, a giant splash indicating where she had landed.

Zhongli: (exhales) Well. (turns to Itto and says plainly) I understand that we may be in even more legal trouble now, but it couldn't be helped given the present situation. (claps the dust off of his hands) Shall we go?

Itto: (jaw still open in shock) (drawn-out exhalation)

Zhongli: (confused) Itto?

Itto: (clamps his jaw shut and begins to walk onto the path beyond the bridge)

Zhongli: (hums and meets him in step)

The two of them take a right on the main road, the sun already peaked and lazily making its way to the horizon. The two of them walked in a silence that was foreign to them as both would usually fill the uncharacteristic lack of noise with their musings and thoughts. At least until Itto finally breaks it.

Itto: (whips his head towards him) Holy smokes, Gramps! (directly in his face) That was seriously awesome! (grins widely) I mean, you are kinda awesome . . . sometimes, but woooo this was something else!

Zhongli: (blinks, startled) Wha-

Itto: (grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him) You never told me that Geo Vision holders could do any of that! The way that you went all (imitates quaking) and then (imitates pillar) and everything! That was seriously badass! (suddenly frowns) Hey, are you holding out on me or somethin'? (whines) Dammit, Gramps, I thought we were bros!

Zhongli: I- (coughs awkwardly) Firstly-

Itto: (leans that much closer into Zhongli's face) Teach me everything you know.

Zhongli: (raises his hands to Itto's shoulders and shakes them once) Arataki Itto.

Itto: (suddenly stops) Oh! (steps away and places his hands on the side guiltily) Sorry, but it was really cool-

Zhongli: (puts his open palms up) Oh no, don't apologize for that. (fondly, but firmly) It gladdens me to see you so excited, but please-

Itto: (perks up a bit) I get it, I get it, but still-

Zhongli: (laughs breathily) I don't mind your physical affections at all Itto, but a warning in advance would set me at ease.

Itto: (nods) Got it. Totally gonna remember that, shove it into my brain and make it stick, got it. (coughs into his fist) Anyway-

While the two of them struck up a lively conversation for the next few hours, they took a wrong turn on the fork that would've pointed them to Dragonspine provided they took a right instead of a left, leading them into the village of Springvale.

Itto: -and we're finally . . . here? (looks around) Huh. I don't see any mountains. Mondstadters are weird.

Zhongli: (turns to Dragonspine in the distance) (turns back to Itto) I have seen many a strange thing in my lifetime, but I am certain that this small village isn't Dragonspine.

Itto: (nods) Yeah. Besides, it isn't really that cold.

Zhongli: Well, while we're here, we might as well take the opportunity to understand this commission a bit more. (takes out the commission) Come, I'll find us both a place to sit.

They find a place to sit underneath the structure near Brook's residence.

Itto: (whines) Ugh, Gramps! Couldn't you have found us another place to sit? (stomach growls) All I can smell are those steaks . . .

Zhongli: (sighs) I understand, but- (stomach growls louder) (sighs) It is a shame that we do not have the funds for some food.

Itto: (groans loudly) (braces his hands on his knees, hearing the sound of mora in his pocket) (smile) Hey!

Zhongli: Hmm?

Itto: (pulls out his moneybag) We've still got somethin'!

Zhongli: (surprised) Well, that was genuinely unexpected. (small smile) Shall we satisfy our appetites?

The same mora that was supposed to be left at the Good Hunter was instead used for Brook's steaks at the discounted price of 750 mora for two. The steaks were good and served to replenish them as they finally decided to read the fine print of the commission they had grabbed.

Zhongli: (head hanging low in his hands) We were scammed, Itto.

Itto: (protests) How? All we gotta do is check on some beacons, kill a boar for meat, find some teeth, and then we're done!

Zhongli: (lifts his head up to glare at him) For the price of 5000 mora? Only 5000 mora? (shakes his head) It is a rather terrible idea to attempt this commission for such a small sum.

Itto: (shrugs) I mean, I guess so. 5000's what we need, isn't it?

Zhongli: (looks up shamefully) And to think that I actually obligated myself to make that contract in the first place . . .

Itto: (nudges his body) Come on, Gramps, it's easy-peasy and kinda interesting! Besides, you'll be able to say that you climbed to the top of Dragonspine, eh? (boastfully) Arataki 'Conqueror of Dragonspine' Itto does have a nice ring to it after all.

Zhongli: (sighs) I suppose. Now to see about the remainder of what the commission says . . .

Itto: (looms over his shoulder to see)

"Upon the completion of this commission and the retrieval of the items requested, the adventurers shall be allowed to keep 25% of any treasures and valuables (i.e. coin, gems, ores, crystals) they may happen to find, any spoils from monsters and beasts they may encounter, as well as . . ."

Zhongli & Itto: " . . . the additional sum of 500,000 mora."

Itto: (looks at Zhongli, dumbfounded) Did . . . did you read that too?

Zhongli: (looks at Itto, also rendered dumbfounded) I . . . yes, yes I did.

Itto: (mutters, shocked) 500,000 mora . . . (laughs a little)

Zhongli: (tries to hold back his snorts as his shoulders shake) Yes . . . well that commission makes sense now . . .

Itto: (shoots up) (eardrum-breaking shriek) 500,000 MORA!! (laughs freely with pure bliss)

Zhongli: (gives in and genuinely laughs along with Itto) (joyfully) 500,000! And to think I was so obtuse because of a few zeroes- (starts to cackle with glee)

Itto: (puts both of his hands up) Put 'em here, Gramps!

Zhongli: (gets up and gladly gives him the high-five)

Itto: (grabs one of his hands and pulls him in, squeezing tightly while spinning them around, still laughing) I can't believe it!

Zhongli: (returns the hug enthusiastically, laughing too hard to speak)

After they collapsed onto the ground in a wheezing, laughing heap, they promptly used the rest of Itto's 4000 mora to haggle two long coats, a giant backpack, and some basic supplies and foodstuffs out of the general store as well as a night's rest at the local inn.

The next day early in the morning, they left Springvale and in a matter of a few hours, made it down the road that led up to Dragonspine, easily taking care of the hilichurls on the bridge, and now stand at the edge of its base.

Zhongli: It seems that we have arrived at our destination. (blinks as a snowflake falls onto his nose, musing) How interesting, that even at the height of the summer, the mount remains cold and covered with snow . . .

Itto: (also musing mischievously) Yeah, you can pretty much have unlimited snowball fights here . . .

Zhongli: (without missing a beat) Do so, and I will not hesitate to call upon you the Wrath of the Rock.

Itto: (raises his palms in surrender) Alright, Gramps, geez! (mutters) Way to spoil the fun before it even starts.

Zhongli: (nods) Hmph. There shall be plenty of time for such frivolous things after we finish this commission and pay the Good Hunter back.

Itto: (rubs his hands in anticipation) Alright! (points at the mount and declares) You better bring your A-game, Dragonspine, because Arataki 'Numero Uno' Itto is gonna kick your ass! (pauses) Oh, and my buddy here will absolutely rock your shit! Literally!

Zhongli: (pinches the bridge of his nose)

Itto: (to Zhongli, excited) Let's go! (speedily walks eagerly ahead)

Zhongli: (smiles as he meets him in stride) Onward and upward.

---

Yeah, I decided that Timmie had suffered at the hands of the fandom for long enough. Keep scrolling. His backstory is depressing and once the bomb drops that his daddy's dead, what the hell is he gonna do? Y'all clown on an orphan just to showcase your built characters. For shame.

For the gear they grabbed, Zhongli has the map and his coat reaches below his knees. Imagine that Itto's coat isn't big enough to button up. So yes, he still has his chest out. He is also the designated pack person, so he has everything else, including the giant backpack. Think Klee's in proportion to her body except for a bit smaller. And the only argument that I can offer for Itto's characterization here is this: HE 👏 HAS 👏 THE 👏 MOTHER 👏 FUCKING 👏 RANGE.

There's a lot happening here as this is the longest installment that I currently have for this series of mine. I don't know when this series is gonna end because all I know is that I'm having a goddamn blast. It's over when it decides it's over. May Barbatos have mercy on Dragonspine's wig, because it is guaranteed to get snatched and fly to Celestia.

(inspired by the aforementioned commentary concerning this topic and this collection of headcanons)

#500000 mora is 500000 mora #long post #arataki itto #zhongli #katheryne #timmie #knights of favonius #eula #brook #the adventurer's guild #springvale #ordo favonius #dragonspine #mondstadt #diluc harem au

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thedilucharem · 2 years

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Two Perpetually Broke Geo Dudes Hike Up Dragonspine for the Deceptively Believable Commission Worth 500,000 Mora (Interlude)

We now take a brief break for a word from their former sponsor friend who invited these clowns out here and the people affected by their actions, as you're probably wondering why they were in Mondstadt to begin with.

Part I, Part II, Part III

At the crack of dawn in the infirmary wing of the Favonius Cathedral, Eula lies and contemplates on what and how she got here in the first place, which could arguably be as painful as the circumstances themselves.

She's propped up with bags of ice set around her sides and on her chest with minor wounds already patched up and covered. Her usual clothes have been swapped out for a cotton gown.

Eula: (stifled groan) Ow . . .

Nurse: Ah, you're awake! (rushes to Eula's side) How are you feeling?

Eula: (looks up at the nurse) (blearily) Like shit.

Nurse: (nods) I would assume so. (observes her breathing and condition) Hmm. Let me fetch the deaconess and have her take another look at you, okay?

Eula: (nods) (weakly) Thanks. (tries to breathe through the pain)

A few moments later, Barbara comes in alongside the nurse.

Barbara: (chipper) Hello there, Miss Eula. How are you doing right now? Are you in any pain?

Eula: (closes her eyes, then squints in pain, coughing) (nods weakly)

Barbara: (nods) Yes, that would be expected. Tell me, where do you feel this pain? I'll point my finger to the area and you can tap the side of the bed, okay?

Eula: (taps once in confirmation)

Barbara: Alright.

They go through this diagnostic process as Barbara had previously healed her in sort of an umbrella-like fashion covering the visible places on her body before Eula had fallen unconscious. Now she had identified a broken sternum, multiple broken ribs, and the concerning rapid onset of pneumonia.

Barbara: (looks to the nurse) Excuse me, can you replace the ice bags and bring some cryo jelly and painkillers, please?

Nurse: (nods and takes the ice bags then leaves to get the supplies)

Eula: (groans painfully, wheezing lightly) . . . how . . . how bad?

Barbara: (softly, but formally) There are two breaks in your sternum and your ribs are a combination of fractures and breaks. You may also be developing a respiratory infection.

Eula: (hardly processed that as she is in great pain) (groans loudly)

Barbara: (shushes her gently) Don't worry, Miss Eula, you're doing great. (prepares one hand with hydro and places her other hand on Eula's forehead) Now I'm going to start by trying to put your sternum back in order. It's gonna hurt for a quick second, but it'll feel much better afterward. Try your very best not to move, okay?

Eula: (blinks back tears) (nods)

Barbara: (takes a quick breath) Okay. (gently places her hand on Eula's chest) I'll do it on the count of three. One, two, three!

There are audible cracks heard as the sternum is set back together and much as she protested profusely otherwise, she did indeed scream and cry out.

Barbara: (encouraging) Very good, Miss Eula. You did just as I told you. Does that feel better now?

Eula: (nods weakly, breathing a little easier)

Barbara: (gives her a smile) That's good to hear.

Nurse: (back with the items) I've got the painkillers and the jelly you asked for. I also grabbed some cough syrup as well as some water.

Barbara: Perfect! Thank you so much, sister.

Nurse: (nods) I will still be in the infirmary in case you need me again. (begins to walk down to another bed with a patient in it)

Barbara: Of course. Thank you again! (turns to Eula on the bed) I'm going to give you the painkillers and medication now. They'll likely put you to sleep, so just try to get some rest now, okay?

Eula: (blinks tiredly) I'll remember this . . . (slumps against the bed) Oof. (nods) Okay.

Within five minutes of being administered the medication, Eula is out and Barbara goes to tend to the other patient in the infirmary, who is none other than the knight that was thrown into a wall.

At around the same time Itto and Zhongli began the arduous trek to and up Dragonspine, their friend and host at the Dawn Winery was beginning to wonder how getting lunch in Mondstadt proper could've taken the greater amount of a day and a night to do.

Diluc: (staring blankly ahead, seated with a fork drooped in his hand)

Elzer: (coughs politely into his fist) Is there something troubling you, Master Diluc?

Diluc: (pokes his hashbrowns) It's nothing for you to worry about, but thank you, Elzer.

Elzer: Pardon my saying this Master Diluc, but I find it hard to believe that you are indeed not troubled by something or the other. Why, you've hardly touched your Pile 'Em Ups!

Diluc: (exhales) Perhaps I'm simply not that hungry then.

Elzer: (lightly) Please. You'd eat three Pile 'Em Ups as a part of your breakfast if you could help it! (raises his eyebrow in question) Would I be right if I assumed that your mood had something to do with the empty rooms the maids prepared yesterday?

Diluc: (sighs) You would be. (irritated) I was expecting company yesterday, but they have yet to arrive.

Elzer: Ah, I see. I suppose you must be referring to some of your outlander friends, yes? Then perhaps it was on account of the weather overseas?

Diluc: (hums to himself) Perhaps . . . though it's still rather unusual.

Elzer: (smiles lightly) I'm sure they'll be on their way today, Master Diluc. Now please, eat some of your food. It'd be good for you to have some sunstenence in your belly so you can entertain your companions properly. Besides, the Pile 'Em Ups are starting to get cold.

Diluc gets all but three bites out of his food before Adelinde walks into the dining room with unexpected news.

Adelinde: My apologies for disturbing your meal, Master Diluc, but the acting Grand Master has come to discuss a rather urgent matter with you.

Diluc: (blinks once) No apologies needed, Adelinde. (holds back his usual gripe) You can let her in.

Adelinde: (nods) Yes, of course.

A few moments later, Elzer and Adelinde excuse themselves as a very frazzled Jean walks into the dining room, only to find that Diluc is already making his way toward her.

Jean: Good morning, Sir Diluc-

Diluc: (raises his hand) Please, it's just Diluc.

Jean: (cringes slightly) Right! My apologies.

Diluc: It's fine. What do you need of me?

Jean: I would like your assistance with identifying and finding two individuals. (quickly) Not as the Acting Grand Master of course! It wouldn't be ideal to make this issue more of a public affair than it already is at the moment.

Diluc: (curiously) Hmm? What happened?

Jean: Honestly, I'm still wrapping my head around it. According to the few eyewitnesses that were still conscious at the time, two men managed to wipe out an entire retinue of Knights without so much as lifting a finger.

Diluc: (eyes widen) In broad daylight, no less? Were they Fatui or of the Abyss?

Jean: (shakes her head) Not at all. In fact, per according to the same eyewitnesses, the clothes the two were wearing were so ridiculous that they couldn't remember anything about their faces* or appearances.

Diluc: (frowns) Hmph. That doesn't sound like something I've heard of in recent times. Are you certain that it wasn't anything else?

Jean: Yes. (looks directly at him) You could call it a hunch of sorts.

Diluc: I see.

Jean: (continues) The additional intel I received from one of Captain Eula's men states that at least one of them was a Vision holder who uses Geo, as she confronted the two men directly.

Diluc: Did she catch some semblance of their appearances at least?

Jean: (shakes her head) (worryingly) We would have asked by now, but she has yet to wake from her injuries.

Diluc: (incredulously) Injuries?

Jean: (nods) It is imperative that these men are tracked down and detained as soon as possible-

Adelinde: (walks into the room) My apologies again Master Diluc, Grand Master Jean, but a knight has come to speak with you. Preferably as soon as time allows.

Diluc: Thank you, Adelinde. (simply) He can come in.

Knight: (walks briskly into the room) (salutes) Grand Master Jean. (nods in Diluc's direction) Master Diluc. I apologize for my intrusion, Grand Master, but I bring urgent news.

Jean: (formally) No need. What news do you have?

Knight: Captain Lawrence is awake at the cathedral, Grand Master!

Jean: Very good. You may continue with your duties, sir Knight.

Knight: Thank you, Grand Master. (salutes, then leaves)

Diluc: (quirks eyebrow) Would it be safe for me to assume that this issue is now firmly present in the court of public opinion?

Jean: (sighs) I suppose it is. (turns to Diluc) Regardless of that, you can still come with me to question Captain Eula if you'd like.

Diluc: Very well. I don't think there's much of a choice in that matter anyway.

And so with that, the two of them go to the cathedral proper to talk to the recently awakened Eula Lawrence, leaving a perfectly good brunch and a sad, half-eaten Pile 'Em Up behind.

A few hours later, Jean and Diluc show up at the cathedral to see if they can talk to her, only to find that she's out cold yet again. They opt to wait close by in some chairs until she awakens.

Diluc: (unusually pressed) Are you absolutely sure that it was a pillar that did this to her?

Jean: (exasperated) Yes. Again, multiple witnesses corroborated this and the miniature earthquake.

Diluc: (sighs deeply) Well, this explains a couple of things. (crosses his arms) I have enough information. I shall simply deal with this matter myself.

Jean: (frankly) Unfortunately, you can't. It's become an issue for the Ordo Favonius exclusively since these men did this to the knights who are under my command at the end of it all.

Diluc: (glares into space before rubbing his temples) Well, if I can't take care of this, you can at least allow me to find them and bring them to you as per usual.

Jean: (thinks for a moment) That's doable enough, yes.

It is at this moment that Eula regrettably regains consciousness.

Eula: (blinks blearily) Mmmm . . . (mutters petulantly) Shush.

Jean: (jumps to attention) Sir Eula?

Eula: (turns to Jean's voice) Ah. Grand Master. (breathes lightly) Greetings to you.

Jean: (gets up and goes to her bedside) Sir Eula, are you alright?

Eula: (blinks once) I'll be fine. (quietly) Ow. (hums) Tired.

Jean: (nods) Of course. But before you go back to sleep, could you answer one question for me?

Eula: (sluggishly) Sure. Hit me. (squints) No, actually. Don't do that.

Jean: Do you know who did this to you?

Eula: (thinking hard) Mmm . . . a man. Tall. Brown. (thinking harder) Or was it red . . . (squints) Horns too maybe? Mmm . . . I dunno.

Diluc: (in the background, facepalming) By Barbatos.

Jean: Thank you for that information, Eula. (pats her head) You can rest now.

Eula: (nodding off) Vengeance . . . will be . . . mine- (passes out)

Diluc decidedly does not like where this is going.

Jean: (walks back and sits across from him, looking him dead in the eyes) Do you know who these men are, Diluc?

Diluc: (looks straight back at her with his fingers crossed, tensely) I do. If you're worried about any foul play on my end, then it's sorely misplaced.

Jean: (visibly relieved) Good. (hesitates before saying) I'm sorry, but-

Diluc: (clipped) I will find them and promptly bring them back to you. There isn't anything that warrants any other course of action beyond that.

Jean: (awkwardly ducks her head) Yes. Thank you.

Diluc: (brief) There's no need for any thanks. (turns to exit) I'll be going now. Good day. (under his breath as he leaves, worried) Those two will be the death of me.

Jean: Good day . . . (sighs) He seemed troubled. Maybe- no. (gets up to leave as well) Back to work I go.

As Jean mentally prepares herself for the inevitable mountain of paperwork to come of this, Diluc goes around Mondstadt to look for clues and hints as to his friend's whereabouts. He starts where all things did: at the Good Hunter.

Sara: Welcome to the Good Hunter, Master Diluc! Would you care to try one of our specials today?

Diluc: (nods to Sara) No, not today. Do you know if anyone of note was here yesterday afternoon?

Sara: (thinking briefly) (perks with recognition) Ah yes! Are you referring to the two gentlemen that came here for lunch? Both tall, one with horns and the other in a suit in the middle of summer for whatever reason?

Diluc: Presumably.

Sara: (shakes her head) Well, wherever they are now, they still owe me some mora for their meals. They said they were going to come back and pay, but it's been over a day so I'm not expecting it really. (gestures with her hand) They ran through the alleyway over there.

Diluc: (nods) Okay. Thank you. (starts to leave in that direction)

Sara: (remembers something) Oh! One of them tried to pay with credit if that's important to you!

Diluc: (turns around) . . . That's actually extremely helpful. Thank you again for that. (leaves proper)

Going through that alleyway, Diluc finds himself in front of Schulz's Blacksmith.

Wagner: (looks up from his work) Ah, Master Diluc. What do you need from me today? Need your claymore fixed up again?

Diluc: No, not today, but thank you for asking. I'm actually wondering if anyone interesting came up to your smithy yesterday afternoon.

Wagner: Hmmm. (turns to Schulz) Did you notice anyone?

Schulz: (cooling something) Not really. There were these two guys askin' for some work though. Not that we had any to give 'em at the time.

Wagner: Oh yeah, those two. They probably went over to the Adventurer's Guild after. (shrugs) It's probably nothing that important.

Diluc: No, no, that's very important. Thank you very much. I shall leave you to your work now.

Wagner: (nods) Much appreciated, Master Diluc. Let me know if you need anything from me in the future, yeah?

Diluc: (nods) Of course.

He briskly makes his way to the Adventure's Guild, stopping in front of the kiosk Katheryne sat under.

Katheryne: (automatically) "Ad astra abyssosque! Welcome to the Adventurer's Guild."

Diluc: (quickly) Do you know if two individuals came through here and took a commission worth roughly around 10,000 mora as of yesterday?

Katheryne: (shakes her head) No, I do not believe so. There has been a multitude for 4,500 mora, some for 7,000 mora, a couple within the range of 15,000 mora, and one for 500,000 mora.

Diluc: (blinks) I'm sorry, what was that last commission?

Katheryne: The 'Maintenence' commission with a guaranteed 500,000 mora plus a share of all of the things the adventurers gather while doing the commission.

Diluc: (to himself) There's no way it's them. (to Katheryne) Do you know who took it?

Katheryne: I believe one referred to another as 'Gramps', but I cannot recollect the other name from my memory at this time. My apologies.

Diluc: (strained) Thank you anyway. Sorry for wasting your time. (walks off and out of the city gates)

He's close to storming out of the city outright, but he has to maintain some semblance of composure. You know, the composure that's quickly becoming overwhelmed by sheer audacity. He also didn't notice the man-sized crater in the wall on the other side of the street.

Diluc: (muttering rapidly) Why in the hell did this escalate so quickly and how did I not hear anything about it before today-

Uncharacteristically caught off-guard, Diluc walks straight into something that wasn't supposed to be there.

Diluc: (rubs his forehead) Argh! (glares at what he bumped into)

Behold, it is Zhongli's pillar, still there after a multitude of attempts to take it down and move it somewhere else. At this point in Diluc's mental state, violence may be the answer yet.

Diluc: (blinks once) (inhales deeply) (exhales shakily) This is fine.

He keeps telling himself that, but this indeed was not fine.

----

This installment was self-indulgent to a point that I self-indulged in the self-indulging and I loved every second of it. Besides, there's no way that Diluc's getting side-lined when this blog is named after him and the running joke.

My personal interpretation of Diluc and his character when his friends are caught up in the law of the land is one of high levels of stress and compounding disbelief, and I believe that these conflicting factors would most certainly go to war over the issue.

Don't ask me how I roped hurt/comfort into this thing, but some part of me felt guilty for what I put Eula through, so you get that and her interaction with Barbara in nursing mode too I guess. I felt comforted while writing the lines, so I think I interpreted the situation well enough anyway.

Barbatos had better bless Jean with a bout of coma-like unconsciousness that lasts for two weeks because she is accruing sleep debt over this like students getting into debt over school loans.

*Also, this is a real phenomenon that happens in criminal cases and detective work all the time. Besides, I also think it applies in this scenario.

(inspired by the aforementioned commentary concerning this topic and this collection of headcanons)

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