#that's right i had the awful nervewracking privilege of sitting alone in a classroom with no one else but the teacher

[pokimoko]

OH DUDE YESSS I love behind the scenes looks at fics Ohh my god 👁👁 What are some of your favorite details/parallels/moments from in memory of that you would love to talk about? (And if they end up tying into other stories feel free to infodump ab that as well I am all ears)

Oh, I'm so glad you asked. *thumps book binder bursting with notes onto table* Get ready, this is gonna get long. Oh, and don't let this folder fool you, this is far from organised. For anyone else following me who hasn't read the story and would like to, warning, there are spoilers ahead:

Okay first of all, there's the 'sunny morning hello' / 'cloudy afternoon goodbye' parallel that you pointed out in your comment. Originally, I put more of a focus on the fact the sun was going down in the last part, because in 'The Ode to Remembrance' there's the line "at the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them", so I wanted to make a subtle reference to that. And also originally it actually started raining after Randall was gone, and Marc took the time to admire it rather than shy away from it; there was a little rainbow and everything.

But! But then my brain was like "why don't we have the story start with Marc meeting his brother, so that the story acts as a chart of Randall from beginning to end, and to give the reader some time with Randall before the cave so they're sad when we inevitably lose him" and welp, couldn't refuse that idea could I? I've always loved first and last lines being a reflection of each other, it scratches an itch in my brain. In the last scene, the sun's still on the process of going down, but I decided to have the clouds part and to have the sun shine of him to represent him making peace with his past, and to show he was allowing himself to move on from that rainy day. I am not immune to pathetic fallacy. (I'll admit, I listened to 'Más Allá Del Sol' a few times while writing the final scene. Thanks to episode 5, I now have a kneejerk reaction to get upset when I listen to it. And also, y'know, the sun motif.)

I personally am very in love with the height chart part. I was trying to think of an image for the header and that came to me with no warning or lead-up (I was in the middle of hugging my mum at the time and gosh, the fact I had to continue acting normal after getting hit with that idea was definitely something. And yes, I do think about my fics while doing normal things. The only problem is that it leads to conversations like this: "oh crap, I'm so sorry, I didn't hear a word of that, I kinda zoned out, I was thinking about Mayan gods" "...Why were you thinking about Mayan gods?" "Uh" *sweats nervously*).

But anyway! The height chart. They mark the passing of time, but they also act as a preservation of what has come before. And of course they're associated with childhood and growing up. Eventually you reach the point where you stop measuring, because you've grown as much as you ever will, and then it remains simply to act as a reminder. Marc's chart is like an old journal entry; you don't remember writing it, or even the context for it, but you know it's your words, written by someone you used to be. But Randall's chart is like an unfinished sentence, (or one that in its shortness tells you everything...'for sale: baby shoes, never worn'). His chart will never be finished, but the indents remain, a reminder of where his story came to a stop.

This is where the Peter Pan inspiration came in. I didn't take inspiration from the story itself, but rather its own inspiration. When J.M. Barrie was 6, his 13 year old brother David died, a day before his 14th birthday. His mother was distraught, having always favoured David, but she took comfort in the idea that he would remain a young boy forever, never growing any older. This concept stuck with Barrie, and he eventually went on to write a story about a boy who would never grow up. In a way, it was his way to cope with what had happened.

For Marc, Randall's youth is a haunting reminder. Marc will grow older, but his brother will always be the same. The distance between them grows with each passing year. As a teenager, there would have come a day that Marc realised his brother had been dead longer than he'd ever been alive. Then that Steven had been around longer. That he'd known Layla longer than he ever knew his brother. Times goes on, and Randall's life in comparison to his own grows smaller and smaller, until it is only a tiny portion, barely a blip. But the marks remain. The distance that time brings only makes it harder for Marc to reach out for who left them in the first place.

The name of the fic was another idea that hit me in the head like a dodgeball to the face (and trust me, I know what that feels like). The working title for a long time was 'to weigh the heart of an albatross', to allude to ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’. In the poem, the titular Mariner shoots down an albatross for really no reason and then, either as a coincidence or as a result of him killing the bird (it's a matter of interpretation), everything goes to shit. The rest of the crew blame him and he is forced to hang the dead albatross around his neck as punishment (and then the crew all die and the Mariner is cursed by Life-in-Death, and is forced to keep living on and suffer as the only survivor, surrounded by the crew's dead bodies, and, well, y'see the connections, yeah?), and I wanted to be like "but see, Marc is the Mariner AND the albatross. He is the guilty man and the one enforcing the guilty. He is burdened, and the burden itself." (The fact Marc was a Marine certainly helped with the idea.)

I also originally wanted the epigraph to be a line from the poem (one contender: 'And they all dead did lie: / And a thousand thousand slimy things / Lived on; and so did I.' Because, survivor’s guilt and all that, and the complete self-hatred in comparing yourself to a ‘slimy thing’. Which as you know in the story, Marc hates..) but none of them fit the way I wanted. I did manage to sneak a sly reference to the albatross with KHONSHU BEING A BIG FUCKING WHITE BIRD HANGING AROUND UNWANTED LIKE A WEIGHT AROUND HIS NECK ENFORCING THE GUILT EVEN FURTHER AND STIFLING JAKE’S FREEDOM. And like, the actual bird Marc sees at the end, flying high.

But then 'in memory of you' came to me, thanks to me thinking about obituaries and such, and since the story is about memory and loss, I thought it was more fitting. I then shortened it to 'in memory of', to make it more open, to have it allude to all the things Marc lost that day. His brother, his innocence, his family. He's living his life in memory of what came before. Around the time of the getting that new title, I also rediscovered the Hill House quote (from an episode aptly named 'Steven Sees a Ghost') and knew it was a perfect fit.

The scene where Marc and Layla are talking about the meaning of their names was in there simply because I found out Layla means "night" and I was like "they really went and called her 'night', huh, in a show called 'Moon Knight...well, I can't let them get away with that, everyone must know." But it is sweet when you think about it, that the Avatar of the Moon god fell in love in with someone named after the night sky. Afterall, the moon shines brightest at night...

Wait. Shit. Oh shit. If that concept shows up in a future fic of mine along with some 'She Walks in Beauty' references you know fucking why.

Anyway. This next detail is actually one I picked up when rewatching the Field of Reeds scene (so many times; I do not particularly enjoying novelising scenes but I knew it was important to explore that scene within the fic itself, as it's an important step towards Marc's self-forgiveness). The way that Taweret says that there is "no danger" there and Marc immediately asks about Steven. Because of course, "when danger is near" and all that. Marc doesn't associate Steven with danger, but rather his safety from it. And when you find safety in something, you keep it close, even when there is no danger near. Because safety is comfort, and comfort is peace. The Field could only offer absence from all things bad, rather than the presence of that which is good, and so of course Marc left. He was never going to find true peace there. He would rather deal with the good and the bad than nothing at all.

Another detail: the movie night choices, because I can't ever just pick a random movie or song and be fine with that, no, no, I have to pick one with meaning. Silly writer brain. Anyway, the movies! If you seen 'The Bridge to Terabithia', I think you'll know why I chose that one; the synopsis literally has '(the imaginary world) helps Jess to escape and cope with a tragedy.' And like...the tragedy itself. 🙃 It's been years since I first watched and I'm still not okay. And 'The Lion King'...well, *gestures at the scene where Simba finds his dad's dead body* *gestures at Scar blaming Simba* *gestures at the years Simba spends trying to escape his past*. Guilt is a very huge part of that movie. Not that Steven would've picked up on that. Just like in 'Absent Place', he does a lot of things subconsciously; using muscle memory he can't remember forming, crying over things he can't remember hurting him, seeing the ghost of a boy he doesn't recognise. There's a blindfold around his eyes, but he keeps swinging the bat anyway, trying to hit the piñata, not knowing where it is or even why he's doing it at all.

Speaking of Steven, I wanted to make his interactions with the ghost distinctly different, to highlight the impact that Marc's guilt has on how he perceives things. With Marc, Randall is very much the epitome of a ghost, lurking in corners and doing nothing but watching. Marc has come to the conclusion that the ghost shows up to remind him of his pain, rather than realising the ghost shows up because he's in pain. But with Steven, Randall acts more natural, almost like a very quiet but kind child. Steven doesn't try to push him away, and he doesn't see him as a source of guilt, but rather comfort and companionship, so Randall acts accordingly.

(I kinda explored the idea of ghosts being shaped by our perception of them once before in a Lucifer fic I wrote a few years back which has, uh, well, a lot of thematic similarities to 'in memory of'. Like, a lot. Grief, guilt, ghosts, hiding in a fantasy, the past lingering. So, yeah, I don't get new ideas, I just pull out my old ones and put new clothes on them.)

But eventually, with the help of Layla and Steven, Marc slowly but surely starts to see past the wall of guilt his mother forced him to build up, and to remember his brother for who he truly was. That's why, by the last scene, when Marc sees him, Randall is swinging his legs and staring up at the sky, acting more like the child he is. Because Marc no longer sees him as something to dread, like you would a ghost, or as a condemnation. He sees his little brother, he sees him crying, and he goes over to give him one last word of comfort: I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. You can go now. Thank you for keeping your promise too.

Jeez, wow, okay, I told you this would be long but I wasn't expecting it to be this long. If you've made it this far, great job. Why don't we tie this whole ramble up with the most behind-the-scene detail of all: the notes I wrote when the idea first came to me, on the 23rd of July. Back when I thought it was really was just going to be 10 scenes.

My notes are usually more...coherent, but it was late at night and I just needed to get the thoughts down. Still, it's fun to see what stayed and what evolved through the writing process, and obviously everything that got added in, because there was a lot that was added in. I salute you Past Me, for ever thinking this would be a short enough story to have roman numerals denoting each part.

Alright, that's definitely enough rambling. I hope you've enjoyed me dumping all my brain's contents onto you. It was fun verbalising some of my thought processes to you and having the chance to explain some of stuff that wasn’t really made explicit in the writing itself. Thank you for the ask! :D

#ask #moon knight #meta #this counts as meta right? #long post #long fucking post #i told you you'd regret asking #when you get me going i fucking go i am an unstoppable object #especially about my writing #i am a child jumping up and down and pointing at my painting and going #did you see did you see #and you are the teacher patting me on the head going #yes dear it's lovely why don't you tell me why the curtains are blue #i love explaining symbolism and writing choices. so much so i had three english classes in my senior years of high school. shocking i know #and i was the only person in my entire year to take those classes too #that's right i had the awful nervewracking privilege of sitting alone in a classroom with no one else but the teacher #if they asked a question i had to answer #but at least the questions were about books and movies #those extra english classes are why i know so many bloody capital R Romantic poems anyway #i literally went back to my old school notes to gather some ancient mariner symbolism for the story #and uh if you ever see me writing about Jake and his kinship to Frankenstein's monster and how he's been treated....you know who to blame #the absent place had many underlying influences from things i learnt: the yellow wallpaper. plato's cave allegory. edgar allan poe's stuff #smoke and mirrors alternatively was inspired by media with magic mirrors: 'football' adventure time. sorceror's apprentice. infinity train #i like to hoard stories in my mind until i can steal them for parts #they are the foundations upon which i build #ANYWAY #thank you again for the ask i am sending you even more hearts #( ○w○)_💜💜💜💜