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slytherinbangchan · 4 years

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‘📶’ Han Jisung One-Shot (Fake Boyfriend AU)

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Pairing: Han Jisung x Reader.

Warnings: smut

Word Count: 9.4k

This is my last post of the year. I hope you all enjoy it!

Happy New Year everyone and I wish you all the best. I’ll be back soon posting some of your requests and updating my aus.

Thank you for following me so far and I’ll keep working as hard as I can to try and make you happy with my writing.

-So you moved into your new apartment not that long ago.

-And all these college guys/girls live in that same building.

-It's a bit busy and noisy sometimes but it's ok.

-In the apartment on your right live two guys called Jisung and Hyunjin.

-You know Hyunjin's name cause honestly, who doesn't? It's weird not to hear someone mentioning him on the hallways.

-And Jisung... Well... This is kinda awkward but lets say his bedroom is right next to yours.

-First time you heard someone moaning out his name you blushed and went back to the living room.

-But now you're kinda used to it.

-Sometimes you even shush them.

-Anyway at the apartment on your left lives some guy called Seungmin and another one called Jeongin. You've knocked there more than once asking for some help with you door since sometimes it likes not to open.

-You think Seungmin is kinda nice and cute.

-Right in front of you live Minho and Felix. Bangchan has invited them over some other time.

-Oh yeah, you have a roommante called Bangchan but most of the time he's out working or hanging out with a guy called Changbin.

-Since you're 'new' in the city you don't know a lot of people yet.

-Only these girls from work who won't shut up about guys/girls and sex and you'd wish you were more interested on that but the truth is you're not.

-Like you work so hard and your anxiety is so high you don't even think about it till they bring it up.

-And you're so tired of them trying to fix you up with someone.

-You've told them to stop trying thousands of times.

-But they won't and today is not precisely your day.

-Your head hurts like hell and you just want to go back to sleep.

-'Would you meet my cousin then?' One of your friends asks.

-'What?'. You sigh as you massage your temples. 'I told you I don't wanna meet anyone'.

-'C'moon'. She whines. 'Why not?'

-'Maybe she has a boyfriend already'. The other one says and something clicks in your brain.

-'Yeah. You know what? I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier but I do have a boyfriend so please? Stop trying to fix me up with your cousins'. You say as nicely as you can.

-'You should have told us! What's his name?'

-'What?'

-'Your boyfriend silly, what's his name?' She chuckles.

-'Oh... Uhmm, it's... Jisung'.

-You don't know why you said his name. Maybe cause last night someone else wouldn't stop moaning it and it printed into your head.

-Also how come you have to make up a boyfriend so people would stop trying to fix you up after you told them to stop so many times already?

-You're so mad about that fact right now but your head hurts even worse. You just want them to stop no matter how.

-Anyway.

-One of your friends is looking at you so excited. What is with her now?

-'Jisung huh? What about a picture?'

-'Yeah, show us!'

-'Oh... Yeah, maybe tomorrow I don't have pics of him here cause it's a new phone'.

-They look at you like they're not buying it but finally they let go.

-Back into your apartment you take a shower and lie down on your bed with the lights off trying to calm that headache down.

-Then you start hearing some music from one of the apartments.

-You feel like crying.

-You're so tired and you feel like your head is going to explode any minute now.

-So you stand up and go knock on Hyunjin's door.

-Jisung comes out and says hi to you.

-'Hey I'm like dying here could you not play music tonight? Please.'

-'Yeah you don't look so good'. He says.

-'Thanks'. You sigh. 'So could you?'

-He chuckles softly. 'Sure, don't worry'. He pats your head lightly and you blush.

-You go back to your apartment with your face still burning red.

-He didn't need to be cute.

-He behaves and don't play any music though.

-He even tells Hyunjin to be quiet.

-It's amazing how thin those walls are.

-You fall asleep at some point to wake up the next morning to Chan's worried face looking at you.

-'You look horrible' He says.

-'Okay?'

-'No, like seriously. I already made a call telling your boss you're sick'.

-'Oh... Thanks'.

-'You're welcome'. He says smiling a bit. 'I left some breakfast in the kitchen for you ok? I gotta go tho'.

-'Ok. I'm not leaving my bed anyway'.

-He chuckles as he leaves.

-A while later someone knocks at your door and you practically crawl there to open it.

-'Hey, I've bumped into these ladies on the elevator. They were asking for you'.

-You look at Hyunjin who's pointing at your friends from work waiting behind him.

-'Oh, okay. Thanks'.

-'It's nothing. Are you okay though? Jisung told me you weren't feeling so good last night'.

-Just as he says that Jisung opens the door to leave the apartment.

-You can see your friend's eyes fixing on him immediately.

-'Oh, Jisung I was just mentioning you'. Hyunjin says as he chuckles.

-'Ah really, why?'

-'Omg y/n is this your boyfriend?' Your friends ask. 'You said your boyfriend was some Jisung right?'

-Fuck.

-You just mentally facepalmed yourself.

-The guys look at you and you look at them. Your face so red.

-Hyunjin chuckles. 'I'm gonna go inside'. He says. 'Bye ladies'.

-But your friends are too busy waiting for your answer.

-'Uhm...'

-'What's wrong baby?' Jisung asks you. 'Just tell them'. He says as he walks towards you.

-His hand on your waist.

-'Uhm, okay... Yeah this is my boyfriend'.

-They let out some squeals. 'Omg, y/n he's cute'.

-'Yeah I thought he was ugly and that's why you didn't show us his picture'.

-You force a small laugh and suddenly feel so dizzy you almost faint.

-But Jisung holds you and carry you inside getting rid of your friends.

-He puts you to bed too.

-'I'm sorry about that'. You say not being able to open your eyes cause you got so dizzy.

-He chuckles softly. 'It's okay. They seem like a lot'.

-'They are. Always trying to fix me up with someone'. You sigh. 'I said your name when they asked for my so-called boyfriend. I'm sorry'.

-'It's okay, there's more people named like me'.

-'I guess but also I was thinking of you as I said it'.

-'What?' He asks.

-But you're so weak you just fall asleep.

-When you wake up a couple hours later you find a post it with a note on it. 'Text me when you wake up'. There's also a number written down.

-'Hey, it's y/n. I woke up'. You text him.

-'Hey girlfriend😉'.

-'Ahh... Stop it😩'

-'😂 So I'm not your fake boyfriend anymore?'

-'I don't know...'

-'I don't think your friends are just letting go'.

-'😩😩😩 I know'.

-'It's okay. I don't mind being your fake boyfriend'.

-'Really?'

-'Yeah but... You may have to do something for me in return'.

-'Uhm... What is it?'

-'Idk I'll figure it out I guess'.

-'Okay? Lol'.

-'Yeah, oh btw Hyunjin knows we're fake dating but dw he won't tell anyone'.

-'Oh, okay. Fine by me. Anyway I'm gonna go grab some food now I guess so... Bye bye~'

-'Bye😊'

-Suddenly you remember Chan left some food for you outside and you go check but you don't see anything but another post it on the fridge.

-'I'm sorry food is gonna be extra cold but I couldn't just let it outside'.

-That one is from Jisung too.

-You smile to yourself. Never thought he'd be that thoughtful before.

-You get some text from one of your friends asking how you're feeling and then to let her know when you're completely fine cause they want to go out on couples date.

-You sigh as you text Jisung about it.

-Then eat something and lie down on the couch.

-A while later someone knocks on your door again and you whine all the way there.

-You blush as you see Hyunjin leaning on the door's frame. 'Hey'. He says and you try to fix your hair a little.

-'H-Hey...'

-'How are you feeling?'

-'Ah.. Better I guess??'

-'Yeah? Would you come to a little party at our apartment tomorrow then?'

-'A party?'

-He nods. 'You're Jisung's girlfriend now, right?'

-'I thought he told you we're just...'

-'He did'. He says not letting you finish. 'But maybe you want to invite your friends here so we have everything under control'.

-'Oh... I see. Yeah'.

-He chuckles softly and your heart flutters a little. 'Well, see you tomorrow then'.

-You nod as you close the door.

-Why didn't Jisung just texted you that?? You look at your phone.

-Oh. He did.

-Anyway.

-Damn Hyunjin. Why did he had to come and see you like that again?

-Not that you like him or anything he's just too handsome.

-You feel bad looking that ugly in front of him.

-You text your friends about the party.

-Also you think about if you should tell Bangchan or not about the fake-dating thingy.

-He probably would think is weird you're dating Jisung for real after all your complainings about the noise.

-Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't even care about it.

-And you don't want a lot of people to know the truth just in case so...

-He doesn't come back till very late at night anyway and you're already pretty much tucked into bed by then so you won't tell him tonight at least.

-You text Jisung as you hear Bangchan trying to get some food before sleeping.

-'Hey, no girl tonight?'

-'Got a girlfriend now🙄'.

-'Not a real one😂'.

-'People don't know that😂'

-'Oh, so you're a nice guy huh?😏'

-'Of course I am😂'.

-You chuckle softly as you read his texts.

-'How are you feeling? Hyunjin said you look better'. He says.

-'Ah, really? I guess I am feeling better'.

-'You're coming to the party then, right?'

-'Already told my friends and everything'.

-'😂 Nice'.

-'Who throws a party in such small apartment anyway?'

-'Lol well, it's not exactly a party just some friends drinking at home while listening to music'.

-'So... A party?'

-'😂 Ok, maybe a very tiny party'.

-You chuckle again.

-'Ahh sorry, wifi is failing a lot. Guess I'll try to sleep now'.

-'K~ Good night then, girlfriend'.

-'😂😂Night~'

-You sleep for what it feels like an eternity and when you wake up you feel so much better.

-Thank god it's Saturday but then again you have to go to a party and pretend Jisung is your boyfriend.

-Could be fun though, right? Why not?

-It's been a while since you had actual fun with other people.

-So as the day goes by you start to feel like actually trying and put on a dress and some makeup.

-Hair looking good too.

-No one would say you were feeling like dying just yesterday.

-Chan looking at you as he hears your heels on the floor.

-'Hey, you're going to the neighbors?' He asks.

-'Yeah'.

-'To see your boyfriend?'.

-How does he know already?

-'What?'

-'I'm just kidding'. He chuckles. 'I always thought you had a crush on Hyunjin'.

-'What? I don't'. You laugh softly. 'He's just like so handsome I maybe can't stop looking at him but that's it'.

-'I see' He chuckles. 'Ah I heard Felix and some of the other guys are going to that party too'.

-'And you?'

-'Me? Nah. I gotta finish some stuff with Changbin. He'll be here any minute'.

-'Are you dating Changbin?'

-He chuckles as he playfully raises his eyebrows.

-'What does that mean?' You ask as you chuckle.

-Then someone knocks on your door.

-It's your friends and their partners.

-'Hey, it's too early? It is too early right?' One of them asks.

-You laugh. 'Yeah, I don't know. I think there's people there already'. You say. 'Hey Chan can I leave my phone etc... here? Would you open the door for me later?'

-'I'm not promising I will'.

-You roll your eyes at him. 'I'll take the keys'.

-'Love you!' He says as you close the door after you.

-'That's your roommate? He's kinda cute too'. One of your friends says.

-You smile at her words as you knock at the guys door and Jisung opens it.

-'Hey'. You say, caressing his face.

-'Hi girlfriend'. He says, leaving a kiss on your cheek.

-He smells so good.

-And what's with the skinship?

-You don't know when you got so close but?

-Well guess it's all part of the fake-dating thing but in any case you feel really comfortable around him already.

-He puts a drink in your hands as he winks at you.

-Hyunjin is sitting on one of the sofas with Felix and Minho and some girls you don't know.

-Jisung's hand on your waist as you distractedly try to follow the conversation. 'You look good'. He whispers in your ear and you blush lightly.

-'Thanks. You don't look bad yourself'.

-He chuckles. 'Thanks'.

-'Anyway, what is this party about really?' You ask.

-He srughs. 'Anything I guess. We just wanted to meet with some friends and drink'.

-'Well my friends seem happy so I won't complain'.

-He giggles. 'They seem to like the drinks at least'.

-'I think they just get kinda bored with their partners sometimes so they drink'. You joke.

-'Wow, we'll have to break up if we ever get that bored then'. He says and you chuckle.

-'Yeah I promise'.

-Someone knocks on the door. 'Oh, I'll get that'. You say as you hand your drink to Jisung and go get the door.

-'Oh, hi'. Seungmin says.

-'Hey! Didn't know you were coming'.

-'Yeah, same. Didn't expect you here'.

-'Right... I'm kinda dating Jisung now'. You chuckle.

-'Really??' He tilts his head as he looks at you head to toe. 'Thats a pity'.

-You throw a confused look at him but he just go say hi to the rest kinda ignoring you.

-Jisung walks towards you and gives your drink back. 'Do you like Seungmin?'.

-'He's cute'. You say as you sip your drink.

-'I could help you dating him when we break up if you want to'.

-'Really? I don't know I guess I'll be the same amount of anxious then and that's the reason I'm not dating anyone now'.

-'Well, at least you actually like this guy unlike your friend's cousins'. He laughs. ‘Worth trying’.

-You chuckle too. 'Yeah I guess so. I don't know. Let me think about it'.

-The rest of the night goes nicely.

-You sit on Jisung's lap as you all keep chatting and drinking.

-And you get to know him a bit better.

-It's kinda weird how natural actually feels to be on his arms.

-He's just such a warm person.

-You feel safe with him somehow.

-Suddenly you feel his forehead resting against your back and you turn around a little to try and look at him. 'What are you doing?' You ask, chuckling.

-'Sorry I'm so sleepy and drunk'.

-'Go to bed, idiot'.

-'There's too many people here I can't'. He chuckles too.

-'Hmm... Should we go to my apartment then?'

-'What?' He giggles.

-'You just want to sleep right? I know you don't like me like ''that'' '.

-He scoffs but doesn't say a word just pats your thigh a little so you'll stand up.

-You smile at him and hold his hand to leave.

-Hyunjin looks at you two with a confused face as you walk out the door.

-As you walk to you apartment you realize you're a little bit more drunk than you thought.

-Jisung and you chuckle as both of you hardly manage to reach the door without tripping.

-'C'mon open the door already'. Jisung laughs.

-You chuckle. 'I'm tryiiing'.

-Suddenly the door opens and you see Chan standing right in front of you. 'What is happening?' He asks.

-Jisung and you burst off laughing. 'Dad! You did opened the door for me'. You say as you laugh.

-'Omg y/n you're an adult'. Chan laughs.

-'Yeah, so get off my case idiot'.

-'Whatever'. He laughs again.

-'Oh, hey Changbin'. You say as you see him sitting on the couch. He waves at you.

-You enter your room followed by Jisung and clumsily take off your heels and try to unzip your dress.

-'Could you help me with this?' You ask him and he scoffs as he smiles.

-'Sure'. He says as he zips down the dress. 'I didn't know you were like this'. He says.

-'Like what?'

-'I don't know. Not that serious I guess'.

-'Oh... Well, you see, tonight I'm drunk and not having a headache so...'

-'Fair enough'.

-'Oh you didn't bring your pjs'. You say.

-'Ah, it's okay'.

-You put on an oversized shirt as he sits on the bed.

-Then you push him so he'll get under the covers.

-'Take those pants off idiot or you won't be able to sleep'.

-He laughs but does as you say.

-Then you curl up into him.

-'Ugh I'm so drunk the bed is spinning'. He says.

-'Me too'. You snuggle into him a little more. 'Ah, you smell so nice'.

-He smiles. 'Thanks, you too'.

-'Good night Sungie'. You say, leaving a kiss on his cheek.

-'Yeah... Night~'.

------------------------

-'So, Jisung huh?'. Bangchan asks as you prepare some tea in the morning. 'You sure are more quiet that the others'.

-'That's probably cause we were just sleeping'.

-'What? Really? Why did you bring him here then?'

-'I don't know... We were tired and there was a lot of people at his apartment so... Anyway we were too drunk to do anything'.

-'Hm... Yeah he looked terrible when he left earlier'.

-'I don't feel so good myself I'm gonna take a shower after my tea'. You say as you sit. Your phone chimes then.

-'I had fun last night. Wanna come by and watch some movies with me and Hyunjin as we suffer from hangover together?😪'

-You smile to yourself as you read his text.

-'😂 Yeah, why not. Let me take a shower first tho'.

-Like half an hour later you're all tucked in a blanket with those two.

-You had never noticed how tall and big in general Hyunjin is till now that you have him right besides you.

-His hair still wet from the shower. It's dripping some water over his own face which he dries with the towel on his neck.

-He leaves for a second to grab some food and you follow him with your eyes.

-'Thought you liked Seungmin'. Jisung says.

-'What?' You blush. 'I do'.

-'Really? You looked so mesmerized as you watched Hyunjin just now'.

-'That's... His hair was soaking I was watching the water drop'.

-'Sure'. He says with a half smile.

-'Huh... Are you jealous, boyfriend?' You say as you elbow him softly.

-He scoffs. 'You wish'.

-'Sounds jealous to me'. You chuckle.

-Hyunjin is back with some snacks.

-He plays the movie and you don't mention the jealous thingy again.

-That doesn't mean you're letting go.

-Even if you think Hyunjin will never ever put his eyes on you, that's not really necessary to prove your point right?

-So after a while you just lean over Hyunjin's side a bit. Jisung notices but he doesn't seem to care.

-'Are you okay?' Hyunjin asks.

-'Sorry my head hurts a bit. Do you mind if I lean on you for a while?' You ask.

-'Ah, sure. As long as you need'. He says.

-You lean your head on his shoulder and kinda hug his arm.

-He's blushing and you can tell he's kinda nervous.

-Cute.

-Jisung scoffs softly from the other side of the couch and you smile to yourself.

-After a little while you feel how something is pulling from one of your arms. Taking it away from the hold you had on Hyunjin's.

-You look at Jisung with a satisfied smile on your face.

-'Shut up'. He says as he laces his fingers with yours.

-You chuckle softly as you rest your head on Hyunjin's shoulder again.

-Your thumb caressing Jisung's hand as he holds yours.

-And you feel some kind of butterflies as you feel the warmth of his hand on your hand.

-When the movie is over you just don't wanna move but you have to.

-'Do you guys wanna watch another movie or.. some... wine? For our hungover?' Hyunjin asks.

-'Wine sounds good'. You and Jisung say almost at the same time.

-Hyunjin scoffs amused at your synchronization and goes find the wine.

-This time there's no talking between you and Jisung. But he's not letting your hand go either till Hyunjin is back with the wine.

-You take the cup Hyunjin poured for you and take a sip.

-They play another movie but nobody is watching.

-You're just chatting and laughing.

-Your legs over Jisung's after the second bottle is gone.

-His hands running up your thigh keeping just the right distance.

-'Ok, ok. Can I ask something tho?' Hyunjin says, but he can't stop chuckling before asking.

-'What is iiit?' You ask as you hit his arm softly.

-'Why Jisung?' He laughs again.

-'Why Jisung what?' You ask.

-'Why did you say Jisung's name to your friends instead of mine?'

-Jisung just chuckles as he waits for an answer too.

-You blush, but you were already blushing cause of the wine. 'Why would you ask me that in front of him?' You say playfully hitting him again.

-What a drunk mess you three are right now.

-'C'mon tell us'. Jisung says. 'I'm curious too'.

-'Ah... It's kinda embarrassing'.

-'Ohh, you like Sungieee'. Hyunjin sings.

-'What? Is not that'. You laugh.

-'Then what is it?' He insist.

-'Ahh stop iiiit. It really is embarrassing to say it outloud'. You chuckle again.

-'Leave her alone Hyunjinnie. I'm sure she'll tell me sometime'.

-'Hm...' He makes a pouty face. 'Well, you said you don't like him... Then kiss me'.

-'What?' Jisung asks.

-You're just laughing at what he just asked.

-'She's pretty and we're drunk. I want a kiss. C'mon is not that serious. We're just playing around'. He says as he chuckles.

-Is really Hwang Hyunjin asking you for a kiss right now?

-Jisung scoffs. 'Whatever you two just kiss if you want'.

-Hyunjin srughs and leans over you to kiss.

-His lips colliding with yours without waiting any longer. And you thought it'd be just a quick peck but he goes for it for real and he's such a good kisser.

-He pulls away and looks at Jisung. 'Omg. She's the best kisser ever Sungie. You should ask for a kiss too'.

-Jisung scoffs. 'I'm going to bed'. He says as he leaves his cup on the table.

-You look at Hyunjin with a worried face but he looks as confused as you.

-'Uhm... Don't worry he'll be okay tomorrow. I'm sure he's just super drunk'.

-You nod and help him clean up a bit. The alcohol in your body making it so difficult to move properly but the happy feeling was long gone.

-What's with Jisung?

-You were all having so much fun.

-He should have just asked you to kiss him too and that's it.

-You go back to your apartment and get into bed.

-You hit the wall behind you in bed cause you're kinda mad at Jisung for leaving like that and you want him to know.

-Then you hear something.

-You stumble as you kneel in bed to lean over the wall so you can hear better.

-Is Jisung calling your name?

-You blush as you recognize his moans through the wall.

-He's calling your name as he whines.

-He knows you can hear him you've joked about it a couple times before.

-You feel the heat on your lower body as his cute whines fill your ears.

-You bite your lips as you doubt for a second then you run over Jisung's apartment.

-Your knocks on his door. So needy.

-He opens the door to find you wearing literally just an oversize shirt on.

-You look down and bite your lips as you notice his boner.

-Your hand palming him over his pants. 'What is this about?'

-He gives you a half smile. 'I don't know. I think I was mad at my girlfriend and then I wasn't anymore'.

-You bite his lower lip. 'Next time ask for your kiss'. Your body so close to his.

-He pulls you even closer and finally kisses you.

-Then you both walk to his room without breaking the kiss.

-You push him on his bed and climb over him.

-Biting him everywhere. Kissing him like no one ever has kissed him before.

-You take his joggers off.

-His hard dick hitting his own body as you do so.

-And you're so wet already.

-Is like you've been waiting to do this for so long even when all this started just two days ago.

-He doesn't waste any time and just grabs a condom from the nightstand.

-And you just ride him.

-So hard.

-There's nothing holding you back.

-And this time you can hear his moans directly in your ears.

-His hands grasping at your butt as he helps you with the pace.

-And you're so into it. So wet for him.

-You can feel your orgasm building already.

-You bite your lips not to moan out loud but he wants to hear you, he wants to be praised.

-'I wanna hear your voice baby'. He says. 'Let me hear your beautiful voice moaning out my name'.

-And he's making you feel so good you wouldn't deny him anything.

-You moan out his name as you reach your high.

-He hisses. His fingers going deeper on your skin as he cums.

-He's drooling. His chest going up and down as he tries to catch up his breath.

-You chuckle as you see his fucked up face and kiss him. 'You're so good Sungie. That was amazing'. You say, making him smile. His fingers running down your hair.

-He kisses you again and then you shift to sit next to him.

-His hand resting on your lower back.

-You sigh after a while. 'Guess I should go back and get some sleep before going to work'.

-'Yeah, cause this isn't a bed. It's a pool and you can't sleep in pools'.

-You chuckle as you stand up. Still a bit dizzy cause the wine.

-'You know I came here only in this shirt right? I don't want to go back to my apartment in the morning like this. The guys are always in the hallways'.

-He chuckles too. 'Right'.

-There's a brief silence where you just look at eachother for a second.

-'Let's watch some movies tomorrow too'. You say.

-'Sure'.

-'Well, I really should go now... Bye then Sungie'. You say as you wave him goodbye.

-'Wait, I want a kiss'. He says as he lightly pokes his lips.

-You chuckle softly but kiss him. 'Sleep well you idiot'.

-'I totally will'.

-------------------------------------

-Next morning goes by so quickly.

-You barely slept but at least you're in a good mood.

-Work hours fly.

-Soon you're at your apartment humming some song as you get out the shower.

-'So, Jisung huh?' Bangchan says as you walk to your room. 'I take back the quiet thing. You two were l o u d last night'.

-'I don't know what you're talking about'. You say trying not to blush at his words.

-He chuckles. 'Yeah sure. Hyunjin was so surprised this morning when I run into him that he told me'.

-'Told you what?'

-'He went all like 'dude Jisung told me they were just fake dating but that didn't sound fake at all'.

-'Oh god he did told you'.

-'Yeah, he thought I already knew since we're roomates like them'.

-'Are you mad I didn't tell you? I didn't wanna risk more people knowing'.

-'No, I get it but... Jisung? I guess your friends bought it cause they don't know him'.

-'What do you mean?'

-'Like, c'mon you share a wall with him. He never brings the same girl twice'.

-'So?'

-He sighs. 'You know Seungmin right? He didn't buy it at all and he's telling everyone what he thinks about it'.

-'Whatever, let him say what he wants'.

-'Well if you don't want anyone else to find out maybe you should prepare some kind of break up before this gets any further. Just an idea'. He says. 'Or maybe you could come clean with your work friends'.

-Stupid Bangchan. Why can't he just let you be happy for a while?

-'I'll think about it. But the whole idea was to avoid them to fix me with someone else'. You say.

-'Anyway what was last night about?'

-'I don't know... Guess we were just drunk'.

-'Is that so?'

-'You said yourself he's not the kind of guy to get in serious relationships. Why do I have to think about it that much anyway?'

-'I'm pretty sure you've already thought about it'.

-'Well I haven't. I honestly think he doesn't like me like that. We were joking around about him being jealous but... It can't be. He was probably just horny last night and we get along well that's why he...'

-'He what?'

-You blush as you remember how you heard Jisung through the walls moaning your name last night.

-'Nothing'.

-Chan chuckles. 'Definitively not nothing but ok'.

-You nod still blushing and keep looking for an outfit in your drawers.

-He laughs. 'Ugh, it's so weird seeing you like this. At least promise me you'll let me know if something happens. Good or bad okay?' He says before leaving your room so you can get dressed.

-'I will'.

-Hyunjin opens the door for you today.

-'Hi, you look nice'. He says.

-'Thanks, you too'.

-He chuckles. 'Thanks. Jisung is in the shower. Let's sit'.

-'Oh, okay'.

-You think it's gonna be awkward cause you kissed last night and then he said you're a good kisser etc...

-But it's not.

-He just talks to you like nothing happened.

-'Hey, are you dating Jisung for real now?' He suddenly asks. 'He won't tell me'.

-'Ah...'

-'Hey, you're here already'. Jisung says as he dries his hair with a towel. Rescuing you from Hyunjin's question.

-'Fuck off Jisung'. Hyunjin says as he chuckles. 'We were talking about something'

-'Oh, were you? I didn't notice. But I'm here now so it'll have to wait'.

-Hyunjin sighs. 'I'll go find some popcorn for the movie'.

-Jisung chuckles as he walks towards you. 'Hey'. He says, softly.

-'Hey'. You say, same way.

-'Were you able to get some rest before work?' He asks.

-'Yeah, kinda'.

-'I skipped classes and slept the morning away'. He chuckles.

-'Wow, responsible'. You chuckle too.

-'Ugh are you gonna kiss or something?' Hyunjin asks as he stands before you two.

-'Shut up'. You laugh as you kick him lightly. 'What are you doing with that?' You ask looking at the bottle of wine he's holding.

-'Thought today we could just save time and start drinking early'.

-'Will my liver survive getting to know you two?'

-'It's just wine'. Hyunjin says as he pours some on the glasses.

-You hear the door and Hyunjin goes to see who it is but you can't see from the couch.

-'Hey, it's Seungmin'. Jinnie tells you. You can hear him inviting the other one to stay.

-'Are you drinking wine this early in the day?' He asks as soon as he's in front of you.

-You can't really read Jisung right now and it feels weird not being able to but you decide to just ignore that fact.

-Seungmin sits by your side, taking Hyunjin's place.

-Jinnie pouts knowing he'll have to sit alone in the floor but doesn't say anything.

-'Hey what about if we play a game instead of watching the movie?' Seungmin asks.

-'Not a kissing game'. Jisung complains.

-'You're so boring Jisung, really'. Seungmin says.

-'What? I don't wanna kiss my roommate'.

-'So you'd kiss me?'

-'If I have to...'

-You laugh as you see them arguing about it for a while.

-'I wouldn't mind kissing y/n again'. Hyunjin says interrupting the other two.

-'Again?' Seungmin asks. 'When did you kiss her?'

-'Well, yesterday'.

-'Omg, Hyunjin seriously?' Jisung says.

-'What?? You were there. You knew??'

-'Why would you kiss Jisung's girlfriend? In front of him?' Seungmin asks.

-'Ohhhh....' Hyunjin says realizing the problem with what he said a minute ago.

-You just laugh.

-'What is going on?' He asks again. 'Jisung you don't mind Hyunjin kissing her? Can I kiss her then?'

-Jisung looks at you not knowing what to say.

-'Why would you ask him if you can kiss me?' You ask. 'I'm the one you want to kiss'.

-'Right'. Seungmin says. 'Can I kiss you?'

-This guy.

-'Nope. I've got a boyfriend'. You say, smiling at him.

-'Do you really?'

-'What does that mean?' Jisung asks. 'I'm right here'.

-Seungmin looks at him for a moment and then back at you. 'If you happen to break up with this boyfriend of yours, call me. I'll take you out on a real date'.

-You all look at him in silence cause none of you knows what to say.

-He stands up. 'I'm gonna go. I don't like this movie anyway'. He says, then he leaves.

-'What's with him?' Hyunjin asks as he chuckles. 'y/n you really are stealing every guy's heart around here huh'.

-'What other heart have I stolen?' You laugh and he blushes.

-'Ah, I don't know... I just said that'.

-'Well, Chan told me Seungmin was suspecting about us being fake and that we should break up before my friends find out too. But I don't really think he's gonna do much with something he thinks he knows'. You laugh.

-Jisung sighs and gulps down his wine.

-'Anyway, let's watch the movie'. Hyunjin says.

-This time you curl up into Jisung after a while drinking.

-He softly kisses the top of your head as he caress your shoulder.

-His body so warm and cozy.

-Your head resting on the crook of his neck now.

-You leave a kiss there, fighting yourself with all you have not to bite him or go for his lips.

-And he seems to be having some kind of internal fight too.

-Hyunjin disappears for a moment to go to the bathroom or something. You didn't really heard what he said about it. Then you talk to Jisung.

-'Sorry. I guess I'm being too much right now'. You say as you move away a little.

-'Do you still like Seungmin?' He asks right away.

-You don't know what to say.

-'I guess? He's cute but...'

-'Okay'. He says. 'I'm sorry, come here. I'm still your boyfriend for tonight'. He says as he opens his arms to take you in.

-You don't understand what is going on inside his head but also you're kinda drunk to stop and analyze his words.

-Honestly you can only think about kissing him.

-So you do kiss him once before Hyunjin comes back.

-And he didn't expect it but he's not going to pull away either.

-Hyunjin steps aproaches and you stop to look at Jisung's eyes. Then you leave a couple pecks on his lips.

-'Oh, so you're kissing without me now'. Hyunjin says.

-'Hyunjin just shut up'. Jisung says. Then you all go back to watch the movie and drink the rest of the wine.

-You stop before opening a third bottle.

-You sigh. 'I'm not gonna drink anymore. I have work in the morning'. You say, leaving your cup in the table and going back to Jisung's arms.

-'Yeah, guess I should try to sleep too and actually go to one of my morning classes'. Hyunjin says.

-You chuckle. 'Good idea'.

-'Night then guys'. He says as he takes his cup to his room to finish it there.

-You look up to see Jisung's face so close to yours and he looks down to meet your eyes. 'Don't you have morning classes'. You ask.

-'Maybe'. He says, then he kisses you. 'Don't really feel like going anywhere right now though'.

-You scoff softly and kiss him again.

-One of your legs over his lap now, his hand on your thigh.

-And the last thing you want to do is going back home.

-'Can I stay tonight?' You ask with a soft voice.

-He smiles and pecks your lips. 'You can stay'. He caresses your face. 'Let's go to bed'.

-You follow him to his room. 'Can I borrow a shirt or something to sleep in'.

-'Sure. Take whatever you need from that drawer'. He says pointing to the one besides you.

-You put in a plain black tshirt and get into bed. 'Oh, you're taking off your hoodie? Gimmiee please. It's cold'.

-He chuckles and hands you his hoodie.

-And ah, it smells so good.

-It has Jisung's aroma all over.

-You feel some butterflies as you put it on.

-'You look cute in my clothes'. He says.

-'Thanks. Now come here'. You say opening your arms for him.

-He gets into bed and the kisses start all over again till you're so sleepy.

-'I'm calling in sick tomorrow'. You say. 'I don't want to leave this bed'.

-He puts away a lock of hair from your face. 'Yeah, me too. Let's just sleep forever tomorrow'.

-His husky sleepy voice.

-You fall asleep soon after that.

-And then a couple hours later you wake up suddenly.

-Stupid anxiety.

-You look at your side to find Jisung sleeping so peacefully.

-So you snuggle into him and he hugs you back in his sleep.

-Cute.

-Next time you wake up it's still dark but it won't be for a very long time.

-You try to fall asleep again but then Jisung starts to whine softly.

-You're worried at first but then you see his hand moving to his crotch in his sleep, then you notice his boner.

-You chuckle softly and leave some kisses on his neck and cheek.

-'Jisung sweetie'. You call him. 'Baby wake up'.

-He slowly opens his eyes and looks at you. 'Hey'. He says. His voice SO husky. 'I was dreaming about you just now'.

-You chuckle. 'Yeah? And does that have anything to do with this?' You say as your hand runs to his hard cock.

-He smiles and stretches a little. 'Maybe'.

-You scoff and kiss him softly for a while.

-'I don't think it's going down'. He says between kisses.

-'Yeah I figured'. You say, then you lie in bed and take your underwear off. 'So come here'.

-He lets out a half smile as he makes some room for himself between your legs.

-A tiny soft moan leaving your mouth as he enters you slowly.

-He kisses you before starting moving.

-He hardly stops kissing you actually.

-You're surrounded by his aroma as he fucks you while you wear his own hoodie.

-And his movements are so soft.

-Nothing to do with the other night.

-But you're both just so sleepy.

-The sound of his grunts and little soft noises on your ears.

-You kiss and bite his neck and he hisses.

-And you can't help but to moan softly as he thrust into you.

-Your cheeks blushing knowing everyone is sleeping and there's so much silence.

-Ah.. Hyunjin... Bangchan too... They probably just heard you.

-Jisung smiles as he notices you biting your lips not to moan outloud.

-He shifts the position a bit and now he's hitting your g-spot perfectly.

-'Fuck'. You moan out and you can feel his dick getting harder.

-He lets out a grunt.

-His forehead resting on yours before kissing you briefly.

-The warmth of his body against yours.

-And you like everything he's doing right now so much.

-You're dripping.

-Your hips moving as he pounds into you.

-He quickens the pace and your orgasm starts building.

-You moan his name out showering him with praise.

-And he just loves that.

-You reach your high filling the room with moans and he cums as he watches you melting under him.

-Your phone chimes and after a while you sit up to check on it.

-'Wow, just wow y/n'. That's Chan texting. You laugh as you see his text but kinda blush.

-'Who is it?' Jisung asks.

-'I think we woke Chan up'.

-He chuckles and pulls from your arm so you'd fall on his chest. 'Guess we did huh?' Then he kisses your nose.

-So much lazy kissing after that.

-And you don't want to think too much about it.

-But you can't help doing it.

-Cause it feels just so good lying there just kissing and chatting about every kind of stuff.

-And you don't know how much of this is real or just a part of the fake boyfriend thing that went too far but still just a 'fake' thing.

-It feels so real though.

-Maybe it's just you wishing it being that way.

-Ugh how could you fall into this?

-Your anxiety is laughing at you so hard right now knowing what is coming.

-'Hey, are you okay?' He asks.

-'Huh? Yeah...'

-'You looked so serious just now'. He seems kinda worried.

-'Sorry. I remembered something about work'. You lie.

-'Oh... You have to go?' He sits up.

-'Not really... Do you... Want me to go?' You ask sitting up too.

-'No'.

-'Okay'. You chuckle.

-'Sorry, too serious?' He smiles.

-'Yeah, kinda'. You laugh.

-'Well that's cause I really don't want you to go'. He says coming closer to you. He's waiting for a kiss so you peck his lips.

-'Let's get some breakfast'. He says as he gets out of bed.

-You take a quick shower and meet him again outside to walk to a coffee shop.

-'You sure you're okay just with some coffee and toast?' You ask him.

-'Yeah, it's fine'.

-'Ah, shit I forgot something. Sorry. Wait for me just a minute'. You say as you run upstairs.

-As you come back to Jisung you see him talking to Seungmin but they don't see you.

-'Dude, seriously. Are you dating her for real or not?' He asks.

-Jisung sighs. 'Why are you so interested?'

-'You know exactly why'.

-He scoffs. 'Look, I'm just...'

-'Hey'. You say interrumpting them. 'Sorry for making you wait'.

-'It's okay'. He says.

-'Hi, Seungmin'. You say, then you look back at Jisung. 'Should we get going?'

-'Sure'.

-You hold his hand and start walking again.

-You're shaking so he squeezes your hand lightly and you calm down a little.

-Why didn't you let him finish?

-You had no clue of what he was going to tell Seungmin and still couldn't stand the idea of him saying something remotely close to 'I'm just her fake boyfriend and nothing else'.

-Which by the way it's the only ending to what he was saying that your brain can come up with right now.

-But he wouldn't tell him about your deal like that right?

-He would ask you if it was okay for him to tell Seungmin about it.

-Right?

-'Jisung... What did Seungmin want?' You ask without looking at him.

-'Ah... Nothing he was asking again about us'.

-'What did you tell him?'

-'Jisung?' That's another girl asking. She was inside a store but now she's walking towards you two. 'What the fuck? Who's this?'. She asks.

-'Fuck.. This girl...' He mouths under his breath before she gets there. 'Hey, how have you been?' He asks her.

-'What do you mean? I've been pissed since yesterday'.

-'What?' He looks confused but the girl seems pretty mad.

-'You texted me to meet on the same spot we always met and you didn't appear'.

-'Wait, what? No I didn't'. He looks at you. 'Y/n I didn't. I swear'.

-You let his hand go but don't say anything.

-'Then what is this?' The girl asks showing you both the texts.

-'What the fuck I didn't write those'. He says as he holds the phone to read them better.

-You feel your heart crush. 'I gotta go'. You say as you walk away as fast as you can.

-'y/n wait'. He gives the phone back to the other girl and runs after you. 'y/n I didn't write those I swear'.

-'Leave me alone. I'm so stupid'. You say. Tears falling but you're mad.

-'Don't go just... Please'.

-You stop and turn around to talk to him. 'You know, I think this game of us went too far'.

-'What?' He frowns.

-'We should break up'. More tears falling. 'Then you'll be free to go back to bring girls to your apartment and make them scream your stupid name'.

-He scoffs. 'C'mon...'

-'Is that why you did all this?' You ask him. 'You were needy but couldn't call other girls cause what the others would say about you 'cheating on me' and you thought well, why not? I'll just fuck my fake girlfriend'.

-What

-Are

-You

-Talking about?

-You're the first person to know that's not true at all.

-He looks at you. 'You really think so?' He asks.

-'I...'

-He seems hurt.

-'Fuck you'. He says. Then he walks away.

-And it hurts so much.

-Just seeing him go.

-But you feel betrayed.

-You saw the texts.

-You had your doubts before about what you meant for him and now your insecurities sky rocketed.

-And even if deep down you feel everything that happened between you two was real.

-Right now you're blinded by your insecurities and how much it hurt to see those texts.

-Your phone chimes after you've walked around the block for a while.

-Bet is Chan.

-But you don't want to go back just yet.

-You're not ready for his questions or meeting any of the guys in the hallways.

-You sit on a bench in a park and finally check the text.

-It's Hyunjin.

-'y/n Jisung told me what happened I'm so sorry but it's my fault. Can you come by when you're back and I'll explain please'.

-'I don't want to go back. I'm at the park'.

-A while later Hyunjin is sitting right besides you.

-'I shouldn't have told you where I was'. You say.

-'Look, I know what it looks like and I'd be mad too but listen to me please'. He begs. He really looks guilty. 'I was texting this girl and you know how Jisung and I went to buy our phones together and...'

-'Are you going to tell me you can't tell your phone from Jisung's? How about the lockscreen and the background picture?'

-'Yeah I know but we're always changing those to eachother as a joke'. He lets out a frustrated sigh. 'Look I realize how much this sounds like bullshit but I swear it's true'. He takes out his phone. 'See? This is the girl I was talking to. It's not the same one you met today but their names are the same and I dated this one and Jisung dated the other one'.

-'But...'

-'Yeah, I texted that one thinking it was the one I was originally texting to cause their names are the same and didn't realize it wasn't my phone cause I was so drunk'.

-You look at him in silence for a while.

-'y/n please I swear. If it wasn't really my fault I wouldn't even bother on talking to you. I would just tell Jisung to fuck off for being a dick and then I'd be a dick myself and try to hit on you after you broke up with him so please?'

-You try to keep a serious face but you chuckle at that last part. 'Ok, I believe you'. You say and he sighs relieved. 'Still I said some mean stuff. I don't think he'll forgive me that easily'.

-'I know but you have to talk to him'.

-'Yeah, I know... I'll try... But... He won't care... We were just fake dating anyway'

-He lets out an annoyed grunt. 'Oh god, I swear you two are the same amount of stupid. I'm leaving'.

-'Sorry'.

-Hyunjin sighs once more and stands up. 'It’s okay. See you later I hope'. He says and you nod as he leaves.

-You're planning to go back home at some point but you just can't leave that bench.

-Your chest hurts with anxiety.

-You really fucked up huh?

-Jisung must hate you for real.

-You texted him you were sorry a while ago and he left you on read.

-The morning goes by and you're still there.

-There's no need to eat right now since you feel like shit and your stomach is just a ball of anxiety.

-You go for a tiny walk in the park and spend some time in a coffee shop but then you're back on that bench.

-Before you can notice it's already night and still you haven't been able to leave that park.

-Then it starts to pour and you scoff as you laugh at yourself.

-Do you even deserve that rain?

-Knowing how much you love it.

-You look up and let the raindrops fall all over you as you close your eyes.

-And it feels somehow healing.

-Even if people look at you as they run away from the rain.

-They may think you're crazy.

-Your phone has been chiming for a while but you're too afraid to check.

-Your hair all drenched after some minutes under that rain.

-But now with your eyes closed and the sound of the raindrops it's the only time in the whole day you're feeling some kind of peace.

-Suddenly you stop feeling the rain in your skin and hear the sound of it hitting an umbrella over your head instead.

-You open your eyes slowly to see a guy's figure in front of you.

-Then slowly look up to see his face.

-You feel your eyes filling with tears as you see Chan's worried look.

-'Channie'. You hug him as you break into tears inconsolably. 'I fucked up'.

-He pats your back. 'It's okay, let's go home'. He says as he holds your hand so you'd walk with him.

-You're still so afraid to go back and see Jisung around.

-But Bangchan makes you feel safer as he talks to you.

-You are about to finally leave the park when you see a guy waiting under an umbrella.

-You stop for a moment before keep walking and he raises the umbrella a bit so you can see his face.

-Bangchan scoffs softly. 'If you were going to come anyway why didn't you tell me?' He asks him. 'I would have stayed home'.

-'It was a last minute decision'. He says.

-Your heart has stopped for a moment.

-Bangchan sighs. 'Anyway. I'm leaving then. Is that okay?' He asks you and you nod.

-You can feel the rain in your skin again as he walks away.

-Your legs don't want to move anyway.

-Jisung closes his umbrella and looks up.

-'W-what are you doing?' You ask.

-'Just experimenting rain your way'.

-'But... You'll get sick'.

-'And you won't?' He asks.

-'I won't. I never get colds or the flu'.

-'That's weird'. He says.

-'Okay, can you just...' You walk towards him trying to make him use his umbrella again.

-He holds one of your wrists so you'd stop.

-You look up to meet his eyes. 'Ok, I'm sorry. Be sick then'.

-He scoffs. 'I won't'.

-'You will but whatever'.

-'Ok, can we just... I didn't came here to fight you'.

-'I'm not fighting you I'm just worried cause you look so weak. I bet you have a fever the minute you're back at hom...'

-He's kissing you.

-His hands on your waist pulling you closer and your arms over his shoulders.

-You have tears falling down your cheeks again but who could tell with all that rain?

-'I'm sorry'. You say as you pull away.

-He shush you. 'I know. And I'm sorry too, okay? I was so hurt at your words but Hyunjin and Bangchan helped me understand better how you were feeling'.

-'Did you have some kind of meeting while I was away?'

-'Kinda. Chris was really worried about you not answering your phone so he came to our apartment to ask if we knew where you were'.

-'Wow, embarrassing. He really is like my dad huh?'

-He chuckles. 'Yeah, guess he is. He told me I should be the one to come get you but I wasn't sure if you'd want me to so I stayed'.

-'But you came'.

-'Well yeah I stayed for like a minute and then I run here'. He says and you scoff softly.

-Then you kiss him and he smiles.

-'So... Can we date for real now? Please'. He asks as he chuckles. 'Before I kill Seungmin at least'.

-You chuckle too. 'You've been wanting to kill him lately?'

-'Please. I fell for you as soon as you walked in my apartment the day of the party and got to know you for real. Of course I've been wanting to fight Seungmin since then'.

-'Idiot'. You say then you kiss him.

-'You know, I actually love when you call me an idiot cause I can perfectly tell you don't mean it at all'.

-He holds your hand and you both start walking home.

-'I mean it a little'. You say.

-'Nah you don't. You know I'm a genius'.

-'My genius boyfriend who would get a fever just to prove a point'.

-He laughs. 'Shut up. You'd do the same'.

-'Right. Ah so genius Sungie. You know me so well'. You say. 'My genius'. You repeat dramatically.

-'Ew, shut up. You ruined it'. He says then he chuckles.

-You laugh too. 'Sorry. Let's get home already and take a shower to get rid of the cold'. You say.

-'Hm, that sounds really nice. Ok, wanna race there?'

-You start running instead of giving him an answer and he laughs and start running too.

-As you reach the doorway to the building you're breathless and so happy.

-He gets there seconds later.

-You pull from his hoodie and kiss him.

-He picks you up against the wall to keep kissing.

-The rain still falling over you.

-Then the doorman comes out the building. 'Just go inside you're practically home already, idiots'.

-You both laugh and walk inside. 'Sorry'.

-He sneezes as soon as he's on the elevator and you laugh.

-'I knew it'. You say. 'You're sick'.

-'I'm not, shut up'.

-You both leave tiny puddles as you walk with your drenched clothes.

-'Let's go to mine'. He says. 'Hyunjin is at Seungmin's'.

-As you get to his apartment he starts sneezing again.

-'Ah seriously. You got sick'.

-'I'm okay'. He says.

-'Take off those clothes already omg'.

-You get in the shower with him and he looks so dizzy.

-What an idiot. It's just as you said earlier. As soon as he stepped into the building he got sick.

-He kisses you. His hands all over your body.

-But you stop him.

-'Sungie you got a fever we have to get you into bed as soon as possible'.

-He whines and you kiss him. 'I'll cuddle you'. You say.

-He doesn't insist much more cause honestly he really feels sick and just wants you to take care of him even if he won’t admit it.

-You help him get into his pjs and take a shirt for yourself.

-'Aren't you wearing any underwear?' He asks as you tuck him into bed.

-You chuckle softly. 'Yeah, I left those at home Sungie'.

-'Ahh you're killing me. Come here. You said you'd cuddle me'.

-'And I will but let me hang our clothes first so it'll dry okay?'

-'Okay...' He pouts and you leave a peck on his lips.

-You struggle a little to find where to hang your clothes.

-When you're finally back Jisung is asleep.

-You look at him as you smile. Then you sit next to him in bed.

-He shifts to look at you and pulls from you so you'd lie with him.

-His eyes shut and his face is so close to yours.

-You caress his face softly and he opens his eyes a bit to look at you.

-'You okay?' You ask with a soft voice.

-'I love you'. He says and your heart stops for a moment. 'I know it's early to say it but I do'.

-You smile softly. 'I love you'. You kiss him. 'I don't care how early it is. I just feel that way too'.

Fin.

Seungmin’s One Shot ‘Colors’

Blog’s Masterlist

285 notes · View notes

xuteline-blog · 4 years

Text

I want you to love me now

read on ao3!

Word Count: 3,489

Pairing: Seonghwa/Hongjoong

Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Feelings Realization, Past Relationship(s), Getting Back Together, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Chatting & Messaging, seonghwa jus wants to be held..., and thats exactly what hongjoong will do!!, Kissing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Not Beta Read

Description:

Seonghwa didn't know who he had expected to be there at Yunho's movie night marathon. All he was told by Yeosang was that he had invited a couple friends over. He had never thought he'd find himself reunited with the very person that taught him what love really was, and to have a chance at it again.

Seonghwa knew what love was. He knew about it before he was even in preschool.

His mother and father, holding hands as they stared into each other's eyes, whispering confessions before giving a peck on the lips to eachother, waving goodbye as one of them left.

His mother and fathers thumbs caressing eachothers hands, sitting on the couch as his fathers arms enveloped his mothers frame, both content, both warm.

His mother and father, in love.

He saw it every day. He knew what love was.

He was told in class once that being in love would be when hes most happiest. He was told in class once that being in love was what everyone wanted. He was told in class once that being in love felt like you were a firework, about to be ignited, and when you saw the person you loved, you would light up, and felt like as if your body was on fire.

He was told about it every day. He knew what love was.

It wasn't until Seonghwa reached his senior years in high school that he contemplated love. Looking back, he had never really felt what people told him love felt like. He had had his fair shares of relationships, and by the way he felt absolutely downtrodden after his breakup with a guy in his class two years ago, he really had thought he had been in love. But maybe... it was just infatuation? Maybe an oblivious case of puppy love.

He remembered the day clearly.

It was stormy, the rain pouring down as Seonghwa looked out the window of the library. He had came here to study, as his last exam was coming up and he couldnt afford to fail. His scholarship depended on it.

He sat alone at a table, the librarian allowing him to keep his hot chocolate as his books and papers laid in front of him, his small makeshift study desk unorganised and messy.

He watched as the rain droplets danced around each other, how they stepped close before stepping back before colliding together, catching eachother and finishing their dance at the bottom of the window pane.

What a weird metaphor, he thought. Rain droplets, two lovers dancing around each other and away, too scared to cross paths before giving their all to their other.

He had never felt such a way.

A hand slammed on his desk, tearing him away from his thoughts. He looked up at the culprit, his wide eyes furrowing as he took in who had scared him.

"Hongjoong," He stopped twirling his pen between his fingers, holding it steady as its tip nearly touched paper. "What do you need?"

"I just wanted to check on you!" Hongjoong smiled, and Seonghwa felt warmth blossom in his chest at the confession. Hongjoong grabbed a chair from the table infront of Seonghwa, turning it to sit at Seonghwas desk. "You've been hauling yourself up here a lot lately, I was worried if you were doing good," Seonghwa fought a smile as the shorter boy sat down, leaning onto Seonghwas table.

"I have been doing fine, just studying," Hongjoong furrowed his eyebrows at the statement.

"But exams have finished?"

"Not this last one, its an exam to confirm whether or not I will be going to my desired University,"

"Oh? But i thought the scholarship covered that?"

"No, it was like a golden ticket. All expenses paid and a course set for me as long as I ace this exam,"

"What happens if you dont pass?"

"They take my scholarship and give it to someone else. They also refer me to other universities and colleges that would suit me if I so ask them too," Hongjoong looked down at the desk, eyes examining the strewn papers as he pouted. Seonghwa could fight the smile that ordained his face.

"Whens the exam?" Seonghwa grabbed one of his textbooks and his writing book, copying a few things down.

"On Friday," Hongjoongs eyes widened, his mouth agape.

"Thats only two days away! You better be studying!"

"You said you came up here because of how ive been," Seonghwa put down his pen, raising his hands to make air quotes. "'Hauling myself up here'"

Hongjoong banged the table, causing a semi loud bang to exho through the library. The librarian looked aorund the corner, pinpointing Hongjoong with her glare and shushing him. Hongjoongs cherks turned red as embarrassment took over him.

"I-I know i said that! I just— didn't you just have your last school exam yesterday, then? Have you been studying for this exam while stuudying for the schools ones, or just started now?" Seonghwa wtched as Hongjoong leaned back in his chair, a pout making its way back onto his face.

"I had been studying for this since Saturday, ap you do not need to worry. In fact, i think this may be my last long study session for a while. I'm pretty confident of where i stand right now," Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, a small smile forming.

"Thats nice to hear. Does that mean you could probably hang out with us tomorrow? We all miss you..." Hongjoong trailed off, having grabbed Seonghwas pen and spinning it on the table. Seonghwa felt more warmth course through his body at the statement. He missed them too.

"I will, do not fret. I've just been—"

"—We know you've been busy! You don't need to say it, we all have been busy!," Seonghwa stared at Hongjoong, the sudden outburst unexpected. "But... That was a yes?" Hongjoong sat up straighter, his eyes wide and sparkling. How cute.

...Cute?

"Yes, I will be there Joongie, don't worry," Hongjoong jumped up, startling Seonghwa. He grabbed Seonghwas hands and held the tight, smiling brightly.

"After school, meet up at the front gates, do not be a single minute late!" And as quickly as Hongjoong had showed up, he ran off, barreling through the library doors with a bang, the librarian looking at Seonghwa with a frown while the boy stared at his hands, caught off guard by what Hongjoong had done.

He traced his left hand with his right, and his right with his left, eyes wide as he felt the tingles in his hands slowly dissipate. He felt somewhat... giddy. A rush from when Hongjoong had touched him. Seonghwa felt heat rise on his cheeks.

And while his body was still riding the high of the moment, from when Hongjoong held his hands, to his bright smiles directed at him, he couldn't help but think 'Oh no'.

***************************

It was a stormy day, and Seonghwa was stuck in his dorm. His roommate had left earlier, telling Seonghwa that he was visiting his parents for the week. So here Seonghwa was, alone in his dorm, a storm playing out right in front of him, and his hands curled around a cup full of hot chocolate as he lived carelessly for the week off. What more could he ask for?

He sipped his hot beverage, humming in content as he swirled the hot chocolate in his mouth, savouring the taste.

As he reminisced in the moment, his phone chimed. Seonghwa turned his head towards his phone, glancing at the notification on the lock screen. He leant over, grabbing the phone and unlocking it. He clicked on the notification, which was a message, and read it.

hehet

would u be free rn?

Seonghwa stared at the message eyebrows furrowed before sighing and putting his hot chocolate down.

pluto

yes I would, why?

also, why pluto

hehet

cuz u aint real 😍😍😌

pluto

what

pluto is real sangie

its just not a planet

sangie.

hehet

omfg stop bullying me

hehet changed pluto's name to bully!

bully

youre insufferable

hehet

u love it

ok anyway what i actually came here for

so ur actually free to do anythin today??

bully

yes sangie, im free today

why, did something happen? do you need me to come over and hang out?

hehet

no no, dw

just needed to make sure so everything goes according to plan

ok so anyway

come meet us at yunhos dorm, were havin a mini movie party n meeting some of his friends!!

bully

oh?

what kind of movies? and what kind of friends?

hehet

idk but not horror thats all i know!! i remember yunho sayin he wanted to watch some disney or nostalgic films so theres that

also !! do not worry abt the friends!!

they r super kind n funny, youll love em :]

bully

youve already met them? thats kind rude :/

hehet

it was by accident :[[

i went over to yunhos to give him back a hoodie he left at our last study sess @ my dorm n i met em!!

it was only for a minute, i was rushin since i was late to class

bully

hmm... ok, ill accept it

what time will it be then?

hehet

at 4 and if yunhos roomate does end up coming home early from his mini trip, itll end at 10, but if not, we can stay the night

bully

not to be rude, but i really hope his roommate does not come back to the dorms until later tomorrow

hehet

same

knowing us, we'd just pass out on the couch anywaybully

ok u guys will, im responsible

hehet

sounds pretty fake ngl :///

bully

ok then, i shall go back to what i was doing before you messaged me

hehet

wait seonghwa i wanna keep talkin im bored :[[

seonghwa??

seongie??

ddeonghwa????

: [

***************************

It was an hour before Seonghwa had to leave. He had just gotten out of the shower, mostly wiped down, but his hair was still dripping.

He shook his head, feeling his hair stick to his face and water droplets fly everywhere. He brought up the towel to his head and vigorously dried his hair.

After drying himself down, he got dressed. Nothing extravagant or formal, but something comfortabe and simple. It was practically a sleep over he was invited to, after all.

It was now 15 minutes till Seonghwa would have to be at Yunho's. He know walking to Yunho's dorm would take at least 10 minutes, since it was not on the other side of campus, but a far bit away.

Seonghwa went through his mental checklist. Phone, check. Charger, check. Earphones, check. Small over the shoulder bag full of snacks, a pair of spare clothes, and an apparent rose flavoured lip balm, check.

At the thought of the lip balm, he licked his lips. His lips had been dry during the week from the cold weather, so he took up Yeosangs advice on picking up one or two lip balms. Of course, he bought the only ones that were supposedly to be what a flower would taste like. He picked up the lip balm, applying it to his lips and smacking them together before putting it back.

He checked the time.

12 minutes left.

He grabbed all his things, his keys jingling in his hands and a dmall umbrella in his pockets. He opened his dorm door, exiting and locking the door before finally leaving the dorm building. He grabbed his umbrella, opening it up once he stepped foot outside, wlaking along the footpath, frowning when he noticed the mud making its way across the path.

He sighed as the rain started to pour harder, his grip tightening on his umbrella.

He did not want to walk back to his dorm through this weather.

***************************

He made it to Yunho's dorm a bit later than he had expected. His shoes were caked in mud, and no, he did not slip in mud, he just wanted to be like Peppa Pig for a fleeting moment.

He knocked on Yunho's door, wiping his shoes off at the mat and taking them off. He shook his umbrella, the water flying everywhere. Maybe he should ahve done that outside, but it was too late now.

The door opened, revealing Yeosang who just pouted.

"You're late," Seonghwa pushed past Yeosang, dropping his umbrella near the door and placing his shoes near the rest. There's definitely a few new pairs there, either Yunho got more shoes, or his friends are already here.

"You try walking here in this weather," A few laughs were heard in the distance. Yep, definitely here.

Yeosang shook his head, closing and locking the door. He turned to Seonghwa, grabbing his hand and dragging him towards lounge.

"So, what's happened so far?"

"Nothing much! Just been playing some switch waiting for you," Yeosang stopped as they made it to the lounge. "Look who's here!" Seonghwa looked at the three men that were on the couch, all three watching the TV as they battled in MarioKart.

"Is it Seonghwa?" Yunho asked before he crossed the finish line, jumping up and laughing.

"I win!" The man sat on the right of Yunho crossed the line next, pointing to the man that sat on the left of Yunho, laughing.

"And you're last!" The man on the left sighed, corssing the line.

"Wow, that was so fun," Yunho laughed, the man that came second now standing up and turning around. Huh, almost as tall as Yunho.

"Let me introduce them to you, Hwa?" The man on the left, stood up, but still didnt turn around. Quite short, thats cute.

"This," Yunho gestured towards the taller man out of the two newcomers. "Is Mingi," The man now identified as Mingi waved his hand, a smile plastered on his face.

"And this," Yunho reached over to the smaller man, grabbibg his shoulder and forcefully turning him around. "Is—"

For a moment, the world stopped.

For a moment, their eyes met.

For a moment, they were seeing eachother again.

"—Hongjoong?" Seonghwa blurted out, cutting off Yunho. The shorter man, now known as Hongjoong, shared a similar expression to Seonghwa, yes wide and mouth agape.

Holding hands, watching as the sun set over the horizon, the light painting his face, his eyes sparkling.

"Seonghwa?" Yunho looked between the two, confusion plastered all over his face.

Bright smiles, warm laughs. Soft lips, peppered kisses.

"You two knew eachother?" Seonghwa nodded, at a loss for words as he stared at the boy infront of him.

"Thats so cool! It's like it's fate for you two to meet again," Yunho exclaimed. "But come on, we gotta get ready for our movie marathon, its half hour past the time we were supise to start!"

***************************

It was around midnight that Seonghwa finally couldnt take the awkwardness around him and Hongjoong. He got up from his spot on the floor, making his way to the kitchen and flicked on the light, going to grab a drink and a snack from his bag.

As he trifled through his bag, finding the pack of chips he craved for, he turned around and almost felt his soul leave his body.

There was Hongjoong, standing right in front of him.

He had to hold back a scream.

"Woah! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Hongjoong threw his hands up, taking a step back.

Seonghwa gained back his thoughts, the adrenaline dissipating.

"Do you need something?" He asked. He watched as Hongjoong suddenly became nervous, looking down at his feet. He has red hair... it looks... fluffy.

"I-I just... I kinda wanted to talk to you?" Seonghwa felt heat rise to his cheeks as he ran through the possibilities of just what Hongjoong would possibly say.

"About what?"

Silence overtook the two for a moment. Then Hongjoong spoke up.

"About... why you left," Seonghwa shifted his body, suddenly feeling so small. "Why you never contacted us," He felt shame slowly seep through his body. "Why you... never contacted... me," He looked down at his feet.

No one spoke for a minute, both thinking, both waiting.

"I never did get my scholarship..." Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, eyes wide.

"Wha—"

"I passed the exam for it, but by the time the people giving out the scholarship had marked it, all the scholarships had been given away,"

Seonghwa felt tears begin to pool in his eyes.

"I was so disappointed in myself, I didnt want you all to see me," He inhaled shaky breath, emotions coming back as he relived the moment in his mind. "So I just told you all that I got in and... left,"

He felt Hongjoong take his hands, caressing them softly. Like he used too.

"Why did you never talk to me after? You didnt even tell me you wanted to break up," Hongjoongs voice broke near the end. "You just went... radio silent," Seonghwa couldn't help the tear that ran down his face.

"I never wanted to break up," Seonghwa squeezed Hongjoongs hands. "I just— I wanted time, time to fix things, so i could say I was attending college, that I wasn't a fuck up..." He felt Hongjoong squeeze his hands back, he heard how the other boy sniffled. He must be crying too.

"Seonghwa, listen to me," Suddenly, Hongjoong was cupping his face, his hands so soft, and his eyes looking straight into Seonghwas soul. "You are not a fuck up, you hear me?"

"I'm sorry," His voice broke, tears now streaming down his face, one after the other. Hongjoong had tears slipping down his face himself. He lifted his thumb, wiping some tears off Seonghwas face.

"It's okay, I forgive you, HwaHwa," Seonghwa couldn't help but let a whine escape him at the nickname.

"HwaHwa! You're so cute!"

Hongjoong laughed wetly at the reaction.

"You'd think i forget what that nickname did to you," He stroked Seonghwas cheek lovingly, smiling fondly at Seonghwa, and Seonghwa couldnt help but feel his previous worries disappear just looking at him.

Seonghwa buried his face into Hongjoongs neck and threw his arms around Hongjoongs shoulders, letting another embarrassed whine escape him.

Hongjoong laughed at the action, snaking his arms around Seonghwas waist. They both stayed in that position for a few minutes, iust enjoying the company, the warmth. Enjoying eachother.

Hongjoong threw his arms over Seonghwas neck, pulling him down to give him a strong hug.

"Your hugs are the best, Joongie,"

Seonghwa felt Hongjoong shift, his hold on Seonghwa loosening. He felt a hand coursing through his hair, the action sending shivers down his spine, and a blush on his cheeks.

"I've missed this," Hongjoong whispered. Seonghwa picked his head back up, looking at Hongjoong.

"I did too," Hongjoong smiled.

Hongjoong raised his hand, putting it under Seonghwas chin and slowly pulling him down back towards him. Soon enough, their noses were touching, and they could feel eachothers breaths fan eachothers faces.

It took just a moment for Seonghwa to understand what Hongjoong wanted to do.

He looked to Hongjoongs eyes, noticing how they flickered back up to his then fown to his lips. Seonghwa did the same, his gaze lowering down to Hongjoongs own plush lips.

Seonghwa unconsciously licked his own.

"Can I..." Hongjoong trailed off, but Seonghwa knew what he was asking. He nodded his head, feeling Hongjoong pull him closer.

Then he felt Hongjoongs lips on his.

And suddenly, he felt like he was back in high school. When Hongjoong would sneak up on him in the bathrooms to give him a few wuick pecks on the lips before running away. When Hongjoonga arms would wrap around his his waist, pulling him into his lap, and even if Seonghwa was the taller one out of them, Hongjoong would always find a way to make Seonghwa feel small and safe in his arms.

He felt light again, like all his problems had been thrown away. He felt like the weight he carried had been lifted.

Seonghwa broke the kiss first, gasping for air, breathless. His lips a shade of bright pink

Hongjoong just stared at the boy, breath taken at the sight before him.

Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa back down again, both diving in for a kiss, each one more heated than the last.

Soon enough, both broke away, catching their breathe as they were pushed against eachother.

"I've wanted to do that for so long since then. I've missed it sso much," Hongjoong panted out.

"Me too," Seonghwa took a hold of Hongjoongs hands, looping his fingers between his own.

"This means that, you know," Hongjoong was anxious again, eyes flicking from Seonghwa to the floor. "That we'll do this again... right? That—"

"That we'll be back together?" Seonghwa cut in, heart beating fast at what Hongjoong was asking.

"Yes," Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa, still nervous on what the answer would be.

And Seonghwa couldn't have answered more perfectly.

"Of course," Seonghwa dived back in for another kiss, this one not heated, but filled with something more deeper. He broke the kiss, burying his face in Hongjoongs neck. "Of course,"

"I love you," Seonghwa felt his heart stutter.

"I love you too," Hongjoong smiled, pulling Seonghwa towards him.

"Forever," Hongjoong whispered.

"Always," Seonghwa whispered back.

#park seonghwa #kim hongjoong #ateez #kang yeosang #jung yunho #song mingi #ateez fic #idk how to tag to get this to spread around on tumblr skdkdjs #uuh grammar mistakes will be visible #ok thats all #follow me on twit @xuteline #i want moots #or jus talkin here is good :]

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gohyuck · 6 years

Text

into it - m.l.

some of the lowest parts of your senior year with mark, and one of the highest

warnings, a/n, etc. under the cut <3

wc: 6.3k

warnings: school, misuse of prescription medicine, windrawal, angst (dw it ends fairly happy i would say), uhhh some smutty themes. maybe. there’s no actual smut in this it just gets close ig

a/n: this is literally just me projecting onto mark mixed with some other stories from other competitive schools from around me - if anyone wants to talk about how shitty school is with me they’re free too! i’m a slave to gpa. yeet. i think i might’ve projected onto the reader too please don’t @ me...

description should’ve been “in which mark is the author and the reader is the author and the author is barely a person”

idk this fic seems kinda pointless but . anyways

anyways enjoy <3

song: into it - chase atlantic

Yeah I've been catching planes for the fun of it Then I'll be watching fame turn to punishment The weather's only sunny when I'm under it And I haven't really changed, yeah I'm just confident

33 school days until Graduation

Living fire begets cold, impotent ash.

Mark can’t help but reread the line once. Twice. Thrice.

He’s studying to distract himself. That, and he’s studying because he needs to, but mostly, it’s a distraction.

From what?

He’s trying not to think about it.

A small part of Mark wonders why he’s rereading Things Fall Apart. While it’s definitely one of the better school-assigned books he’s been forced to dissect - Chinua Achebe knows how to make a point - its attractiveness diminishes every time he opens it again to page one.

The first time he’d read it, Mark had been captivated without his special little boost. The main character, while terrible, was too relatable - Mark isn’t a fan of failure, either.

The second time was to study for the 60 question test on the novel. It was less interesting this time around, but Mark still diligently annotated it, spending three days with his eyes glued to the page and fingers cramping around his lucky pencil. Every time he closed his eyes, Achebe’s land of Umuofia appeared. It was there when he opened his eyes, too.

The third time was to find evidence to use in his analysis essay on what type of hero Okonkwo is. At this point, all that Mark was sure of was that Okonkwo sure as hell wasn’t his hero. Still, Mark typed until his fingers felt raw.

The 97 scrawled across the top of his printed copy, returned a week later with a slightly smeared red smiley face alongside it, had made it worth it. The knowledge his teacher disclosed to him after class while gushing over his word choice - that nobody in the grade had scored higher than him - doubled his (short-lived) satisfaction.

Now, Mark’s eyes are laser-focused on the novel in front of him. Their teacher had mentioned in passing that there would be a couple of questions pulled from the book on the last test of the marking period, and he can’t afford to miss anything on the test. He’s got a 98 in the class, and the idea of it dropping makes him squirm.

It’s nearing 3 am, and he’s desperately wishing that he’d opted to stay at home and study rather than go skateboarding with Jeno and Jisung right after school. He chides himself on not considering the opportunity cost (God, he’s even thinking in economics now. Economics. Fuck.) before going out. Reaping rewards before sowing them has never worked before - there’s no reason it would’ve today, either.

There are about four bags of Cheez-Its, a half gallon of water, and 20 milligrams of Adderall lying at the bottom of his stomach. He’s kind of hungry, but he can’t be made to give two shits. Mark tells himself that he can eat later. He hasn’t had dinner yet. It’ll be a reward for finishing the book.

Mark’s phone buzzes. Once. Twice. Thrice. He pays it no mind. He’s getting nearer and nearer to the end of the novel, and once he finishes he can let himself go for the night. Calculus is done, as well as French, Physics, and Economics (fucking Economics). There’s nothing in his other classes. He’s got swim practice after school, but there’s no way for him to prepare for that. At least - he hasn’t found one yet.

I'm just fucking lucky I was born with it A hundred million people couldn't deal with this I've been tryna grow cause people kill for it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

“Have you considered sleeping early and waking up early to study?”

You don’t answer with a hello when he calls you back - you never have and never will. It’s 4:14 in the morning and you know that Mark’s calling you back now because he’s finished everything. There’s probably Adderall still in his system and a crease in his forehead from worrying that it still isn’t enough studying or time devoted.

“Good morning to you, too.” Mark’s voice is low, lower than usual. It’s the lack off sleep, you know this. You shouldn’t find the huskiness in it attractive, but you do. It’s one of the less fucked up side-effects of the stress both him and you put yourselves through.

“Would be if I wasn’t up at ass o’clock in the morning.”

“Hey - be proud of me. At least I have it in me to work hard like this. The way we’re both going, if we don’t die before college, we can get full rides to the fucking Ivies and end up some crazy millionaire couple on the front of Time magazine. Making 40 million before 40.”

“I love it when you maladaptive daydream to me, babe. Really gets me going.”

Mark chuckles at this, and you hear a rustling sound in the background on his end. He’s putting all of his things into his backpack for tomorrow, you guess. You’re right.

“And I am proud of you.” You continue, knowing that he’s listening, probably with his phone tucked between his shoulder and ear as he tidies up his desk. He can’t put you on speaker - both of you shudder to think what will happen if either of your parents find out that you’re up at dawn, talking to the significant other neither of you are allowed to have. They think you’re both just best friends - two kids too wrapped up in school to have the time to date, anyways. “But, I think you’re nuts. I think I’m nuts. You’re worse, but... anyways. I’m proud of you, but you never call me back this late. It’s usually a “ttyl” text, or some shit. What’s wrong?”

The line goes silent. He’s stopped moving altogether on his end.

He sighs. It’s heavy, and kind of empty, and you immediately know that he’s already cried this out. You wait.

This is what he’d been trying to distract himself from with Things Fall Apart.

“My rank dropped.”

On impulse, you wince in response. The first semester ranks your school had given out not a week earlier are your and Mark’s second to last ranks as seniors - there’s only one semester left to redeem yourself if you fuck up. Even though college applications have been submitted for months and acceptances are about to start coming out, you know that falling still aches.

Top 10% of your class get recognized. Top 10 get special honors and get to walk first. Valedictorian and Salutatorian get to give speeches, five minute pieces that will be forgotten by everyone but them the next day. You’ll all be free for three months before starting the best and worst years of your lives.

Graduation day is the focus now, as it has been since the first day of ninth grade. You’ve managed to stay well within the top 5%, to your own merit, but Mark’s always been in the top 10 - with walking honors.

At least, up until last week.

He’d been 10th at the end of Sophomore year, and now, apparently, he isn’t.

You can’t begin to imagine how he feels.

“How much?”

“Two. My GPA went up a wholeass .1, though.” He’s looking for the bright side by himself, now. It’s progress from last year. A part of you is glad. The other half of your heart aches.

Before you can convey this, or even begin to formulate a response, Mark continues speaking. “I’ve been trying to remind myself that other people would kill to be 12th.” He inhales sharply. “Fuck.”

“And you’d kill to not. You’re killing yourself to not.”

“I -”

“Mark.”

“I’m fine, baby.” His petname sounds forced, as if he can’t believe his own words. “I’m lucky, I have a good memory. You know this. I don’t work myself nearly as hard as you think I do, or as I should be.”

“So you don’t pop pills all the damn time so you can study a week’s worth of material in a night?”

Your voice is tight - you’re no stranger to work and overwork, but Mark is on another plane. It feels like he’s so far gone, sometimes, that you can’t touch him. He’s on the other end of the line, but he’s a million miles away.

He lets a puff of air pass through his lips. Seconds tick by.

Mark breaks the silence.

“It’s getting late. We have class in a few hours. I’ll pick you up at 8?”

You blink. Your anger at him, at the system, and, for almost no reason you yourself can discern, at yourself, wanes just slightly. It really is late - early - and, as if your body realizes this only after Mark says it, you yawn. Mark hears it clearly, letting a small smile grace his features for a split second because of it.

“Night.” It’s short and sweet, but he’s always been able to tell how much you love him. At this point, it doesn’t matter how much or how little you say.

“Night.” His response is just as succinct. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

He called, so he hangs up - it’s been your system since the eighth grade. It’s worked surprisingly well for four years.

You wish everything was as easy as who gets to hang up.

After plugging your phone into its charger and turning into your blanket, you stifle another yawn. Before sleep finds you, you can’t help but whisper it into existence, your words muttered into your pillow for whatever higher power finds them-

Let him Be. He deserves it. Let him Be. He works so, so fucking hard. Let him Be.

Your thoughts are muddled, but that’s because it’s nearing 4:45 in the morning. You aren’t even entirely sure of what you’re saying. For what feels like the millionth time, you wonder how you’ll be able to get up in time for school within 3 hours. You wonder how Mark will do it. A part of you hopes that he forgets to set his alarm and gets the sleep he so desperately needs and deserves.

He’s leaning against his car, scrolling through something on his phone when you open your door. You don’t bother checking the time. It’s about 7:54. You’d checked your grades about five minutes ago at 7:48. You’re wearing his favorite sweatshirt - the blue swim team one that’s too small on him and too big on you (it’s his damn shoulders, and that’s the only reason why). He appreciates your outfit, checking to make sure that your parents aren’t outside and leaning across the center console to slip his cold hands under the sweatshirt while finding your lips with his own to show you the extent of this appreciation.

It isn’t until you pull away from him to see that it’s 8:02 that he shifts to Drive, though not before sending you a smirk while buckling his seat-belt and checking his mirrors.

You check your calendar.

32 school days ‘til Graduation.

But I'm into it, I'm into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I'm into it, I'm into it, I'm into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit But I'm into it, I'm into it

25 school days until Graduation

You see it as a well-deserved break. You aren’t quite sure what Mark thinks. A distraction? You hope not. You’re more than just a distraction. You should be, at least.

There’s not much time to mull this unpleasant thought over, though, as he teasingly nips at the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. One of your hands flies to his hair, while the other keeps you sitting up in his bed while you’re still leaning back. One of his hands is on your thigh, while the other is splayed across your stomach, hiking your camisole up. His shirt is off - it has been for a while. There’s hickeys dotting his collarbone.

If your mind was working, you’d be admiring your handiwork.

“Your underwear’s still on,” He moves back slightly so his eyes meet yours, your fingers still entangled in strands of dark brown hair. His lips are red from kissing you earlier. You know for sure that your pupils are blown as wide as his are. “Can I change that?” Mark’s fingers are running over the elastic waistband that separates him from your skin.

You blink. You swallow.

A voice in the back of your mind begs you to say yes, begs you to guide his head back to where you want his mouth. You haven’t fucked him in weeks, it whispers. If you don’t now, it’ll be even longer.

“Mark,” His name comes out as more of a whine that you expect. He dips his head down, pressing a chaste kiss on your knee.

“Hm?”

You’re this close - this close - to begging him. You can practically feel him on top of you - inside you - already.

Until, of course, your logic prevails.

“Mark,” You say his name again, without the rawness this time. His gaze bores into yours, awaiting your response.

“Calc.”

Mark stays on his knees for a moment, and in that moment he seems hesitant to move. That’s dangerous - if he stays down any longer, you’ll beg him to continue.

Thankfully, he presses one last, reverent kiss over your underwear before pushing himself up off of the floor. You’re still holding your breath.

“I can’t believe I just got cock-blocked by math.” He grins at you, not perturbed. Mark’s nothing if not respectful. He tosses you your shorts before beckoning you back over to the floor beside his desk.

Mark sits down, cross-legged, in front of you, but not before handing you your math notebook and grabbing his own. Your calculus textbook goes between the two of you.

“We can rain check.” You say. He quirks an eyebrow.

It’s hot. He’s hot.

You imperceptibly shake your head - you’re still flustered, and would give anything to be underneath your boyfriend. The only reason you aren’t is because your math grade depends on you acing tomorrow’s calculus test.

“Come again?” Mark knows what you said - his teasing ass just wants to hear it again. You know what he wants to hear.

“I want you to fuck me later.” You look him in the eyes, pleased to see a hint of a blush. Sometimes you miss the early stages of your relationship - where Mark had been constantly tripping over his own feet and as red as a fire hydrant. You’d been the smoother one, then.

One corner of Mark’s mouth turns up, and he leans over the textbook to give you a short kiss.

“I’m into that.”

I'm getting way too deep I'm fucking into it I'm into it, yeah I'm into it I wouldn't change it for the world I'm fucking into it

He pulls a pill bottle from a box he keeps in the bottom right drawer of his desk. It’s where he stores everything important to him - polaroids of him and you together, his calendar, the swim team schedule and his list of swim times, his phone charger, his planner... and his Adderall.

Mark takes his typical dosage into the palm of his hand, swallowing the pills dry. He moves to put the pill bottle back. It’ll be some time before it kicks in, but the rest of the day is ahead of both of you.

He always takes some before studying, but never asks you to. It’s not something he wants for you. You’ve never asked, too - it’s not something you want for yourself.

Your tongue feels like sandpaper, though, and every breath you take makes it feel as if there’s more lead in your lungs than air. Your math grade flashes through your mind. You need to ace the test for your grade and, by extension, your sanity.

“Babe.” Without being fully aware of yourself, you place your hand on top of his. Neither of you will move from the floor in...hours. You’re sure of this. You may as well make the absolute most of it.

“Give me some.”

I’ve been on the road since I was sixteen They don’t really notice I how I see things These girls they come and go between my bedsheets And I’ve been doing blue and causing big scenes, yeah

17 school days until Graduation

"Remember when we were sixteen?”

“Like... last year? Yeah.”

You turn over onto your side to face your boyfriend, only to find your nose in his bare chest. Mark chuckles. He moves back, allowing you to shift so that you’re face to face with him.

“Fifteen and sixteen, at least. For sophomore year. Do you remember any of sophomore year?”

“Less depression.” His hard words come out soft, paired with an even softer smile. Mark wraps an arm around your waist, pulling your body into his. Skin on skin. “Less getting laid, too.”

“Shut up,” You’re smiling now, too. The melancholy presses against your thoughts.

“I was talking about the less depression part, actually.”

“What about it?” Mark seems and sounds slightly antsier, all of a sudden.

As he always does when you bring up things he might not want to hear.

“Nothing big, just like... don’t you miss it? Going out sometimes and actually feeling like highschoolers?”

“We went to libraries, babe, and to the mall like every couple of months. It wasn’t anything special.”

“It was easier, though.” You bury your face in the crook of his neck, breathing in. His skin is warm - you aren’t surprised. “No drugs and shit.”

Mark pulls away from you, very, very slightly.

“Adderall isn’t a drug.” His voice is adamant. The speed of his switch from soft to rough is almost alarming. “You’ve had it once. You aren’t addicted.”

You sigh, choosing not to respond. You’re too fucked out to fight him. Instead, you run the pads of your fingers over his collarbone.

“No, but I’m addicted to you.”

Pull up and I’m higher than the big trees, yeah She don’t really like it but she needs me, yeah She saying she don’t really miss me But fuck it, now I’m faded after all things, yeah

12 school days until Graduation

“I can’t fucking believe you.”

He pauses his notes to look up at you, taking in how your eyes are flashing. Your voice is controlled, but the fire in your eyes is unrivaled. The pill bottle is on its side - empty. The last time you’d seen it, which had been the last time you’d thought you’d ever see it, there had been one dosage left. A dosage that you’d been led to believe had ended up being flushed.

You aren’t mad that he lied - at least, you think you aren’t. You’re mad that he, for the first time in years, broke a promise.

Mark is unbothered by your tone. You’ll calm down eventually - whether its sooner or later makes no difference to him. Your boyfriend isn’t actually hearing you, anyways. It’s another reason as to why he isn’t really responding. His silence isn’t an invitation for you to continue, but it’s something nonetheless.

You take it.

“Ranks came out three days ago. You’re back in the top 10, Mark. You’re graduating in the top 10. We’re about to graduate, and you’re spending your time still fucking studying even when there’s only two weeks left of our senior year. You’re still on those goddamn pills when you promised me-”

“Just because I reached one goal doesn’t mean that everything else doesn’t matter anymore.” Short. You expected nothing else.

“What’s everything else? What else is more important than your health? School? We’re pretty much done for three months. We don’t even have any fucking grades left to go in the grade book. We’re done, Mark. Senior year is over.”

He doesn’t respond for a beat of silence - two, three, four beats - fully focused on whatever is in front of him. It isn’t until you cease your pacing to stand directly behind him, hands on the back of his chair, that he even considers gracing you with a comment.

“I’m looking over my times, trying to make a better workout regime so I can shed milliseconds.” Mark is straight with his words - he wants you to stop talking so he can politely ignore you. His shoulders are hunched into himself, his glasses digging into the bridge of his nose. The way he’s staring at the slightly crumpled time sheet in front of him makes you wonder if it’s possible to re-kill dead trees.

“Your times are your lock screen.”

“So?”

“So- so? You always have them with you and you’re always looking at them, you don’t need Adderall to work on a workout schedule. You don’t need it at all, if I’m being fucking honest, and-”

He cuts you off for the second time in less than five minutes, his voice as sharp as a knife.

“You have no damn clue what I need.”

Your hands release his chair on reflex as you step back, everything about your body screaming that you’re offended. Mark pays this no heed, turning back to his desk.

It’s just one sentence, eight words, and part of you wants to argue. Part of you wants to bring up all of the times he’s leaned on you, the times you yourself have been exactly what he needs, but you know that that wouldn’t be playing fair.

He’s gotten like this before, where he’s frozen everyone - frozen you - out without not so much as a thought. You’ve fought before, too, out of inevitability.

He’s never, however, been so blatant or blunt. Nothing he’s ever said before has hurt this much, for some reason. It’s jarring, and, before you know it, your throat is heavy. There are no tears pooling, but you know that they’ll come to you later.

Without a word, you pick up your belongings. You’d worn one of his sweatshirts to his house, but opt to go home without it.

Being petty can be subtle, after all. Mark deserves it, you think, anyways.

You call a goodbye to his mother as you walk out the front door to your car. You make it to the end of his street before having to pull over and park, resting your forehead against the top of the steering wheel. A stray tear finds itself tracing a wellworn track down your face, leaving you to sigh.

God, crying over a boy? Pathetic.

Your intrusive thoughts are screaming - laughing, hysterically, at your state. You dismiss them, willing yourself to think straight.

Not just a boy, I’m crying over Mark.

Sniffling, you beg yourself to get it together. Staying still can only lead to reminiscing over elementary school Mark, who promised you that he’d never leave your side (after, of course, you accidentally eating a worm and bursting into tears out of a fear of dying from it), to 8th grade Mark confessing his feelings for you in PE, moments before getting hit in the face by a particularly well-thrown dodgeball from Yukhei. Mark is as much a boyfriend as he is and almost always has been the most comforting and reliable presence in your life. With him so firmly, without a second thought, dismissing you...

You breathe in. Sharply.

It’s either drive home to avoid the reality of how much of a stronghold Mark has over your feelings or stay parked and traipse down memory lane, like, as you remind yourself, a goddamn pansy. A voice of reason tells yourself not to be harsh on yourself - you’ve known Mark for what? 12? 13? years and it’s normal to be hurt by him brushing you aside. A louder voice tells you to quit pitying yourself.

If Mark hurts himself mentally, you hurt yourself emotionally.

Blinking away forming tears, you sit back and turn the ignition.

5:53 pm

mark...us zusak

>>did you get home safely

maybe<<

>>im glad

cool<<

6:12 pm

>>picking you up tmrw?

sure<<

>>ok

>>i’m really sorry

read 7:09 pm

But I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it, I’m into it, I’m into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

5 days until Graduation

You have to give him credit - after a somewhat teary but controlled argument in his car on the way to school, focused on why Mark really doesn’t need Adderall in his life, and on why he really doesn’t need to carry it with him to college, he really has tried giving it up. All seemed to be going well, even, for a couple of days.

You hadn’t realized how fast withdrawal would hit him.

It isn’t as if either of you are wholly unprepared - you’ve both seen it happen to others. Adderall withdrawal can be dangerous, heightening both depression and anxiety. Even a slight dip in Mark’s mood has the inside of your mouth drying up.

You can’t imagine what it feels like for him.

After all, neither of you are strangers to mental illness, but withdrawal is somewhere you can’t say you’ve been.

Currently, Mark’s tongue is down your throat. The back of your mind screams at you that this is his way of dealing with withdrawal - by getting himself addicted to you. You know that this is the truth - that whatever he’s doing can end up being unhealthy for him - but you don’t have it in you to deny him as his fingers dip beneath the waistband of your jeans and his other hand makes its way under your shirt and bra.

You can’t help the moans that escape you.

The pads of his fingers are rough against the skin of your back as he unclasps your bra, pulling it off of you along with your shirt. In the same arc, you hastily pull his shirt over his head, unzipping his jeans not long after.

It isn’t until you’re splayed out on your bed, eyes already fucked out before he’s even touched you, that Mark breathily asks if you’re sure. As he always does.

A part of you wants to deny him - for his own good, you tell yourself. Maybe for your own. (Is it possible to get addicted to a person when you aren’t running away from something else?)

The other, larger part of you wants you to pull his head to yours - his lips to yours - by his neck with one hand, taking the condom out of his grip with the other and telling him that you can put it on him yourself. The other, larger part of you wants Mark everywhere, engraved into your skin and lingering on your body.

The other, larger part of you wants - needs - to say yes.

Majority rules.

But I’m into it, I’m into it I’m getting way too deep I’m fucking into it I’m into it, yeah I’m into it I wouldn’t change it for the world I’m fucking into it

12 hours until Graduation

You find your head against Mark’s shoulder as the two of you recline on the patio’s couch, watching the two of your families interact your joint graduation party. There’ll be a bigger celebration after tomorrow’s ceremony with a bigger crowd, so you cherish the small gathering in your backyard for tonight. Graduation is tomorrow - it almost feels too damn good to be true. The stars are all out, fairy lights have been strung overhead to add to the festivities, there’s laughter rising up from every direction, Mark’s arm is welcome around your shoulders, and you find yourself thinking that you could get used to this.

“You know, I’m glad that we’re going to college together.”

Mark’s voice brings you out of your thoughts, causing you to look up at him - albeit slightly sideways. You nod, unsure of what to say in response. You’re in agreement with him, of course - even though you’ve both had your ups and downs, a life without as much Mark in it as now is one that you don’t want to imagine.

He’s been such a constant presence for so long that you’re almost incapable of remembering a time without him. The thought scares you as much as it fills you with love.

Wow.

You really are starting another chapter in your life. In your lives.

A fresh start - Mark’s still going through withdrawal, and you’re well aware, and just because your high school education is over doesn’t mean that life is automatically easier, now. Still - the next three months and four years after that are something to look forward to, not fear.

You aren’t sure how to voice all of this just yet, opting instead to repeat your awe at high school having ended.

“High school’s really all over, now. We never have to step back in that building again.”

Mark chuckles at your revelation, running his fingers through your hair absentmindedly.

“What about reunions?”

You roll your eyes at this, resting a hand on his chest momentarily before remembering that your parents aren’t aware of your relationship. Wriggling out of Mark’s grasp before inclining your head towards all four parents, you remain within a comfortable distance to him. He radiates warmth.

“I’ll only go to them if you and our other friends do. Maybe.”

Mark grins. “Maybe I’ll drag you to them.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He smiles. “I wouldn’t. You’re all I need, anyways.”

“Hyuck? Renjun? Yeri? Jeno?”

“...You’re the one I need the most.”

“Glad to know that you’re an honest man, Mark Lee.” Your teasing tone makes your boyfriend laugh, and you’re hyperaware of how you could get used to this - smiley, lighthearted Mark.

“Your roommate’s going to have fun with you.” He responds, nudging your shoulder with his.

“Hey! I’m not the only one who’s a handful. Lucas? That’s your soon-to-be roommate’s name, right? Lucas has his work cut out for him. For his sake I hope you spend time outside of your dorm room.”

Mark grins as he presses his lips to your temple, simultaneously making sure that everyone else’s attention is elsewhere. He moves away as quickly as he’d kissed you, much to your mental chagrin.

“What? You worried that I’ll leave you for him?”

It’s your turn to nudge your boyfriend. Before you can respond, Mark’s mother’s voice cuts through the air.

“Mark? (Name)? It’s time for the cake!”

Mark gets up first, reaching his hand out to pull you up.

“We’re coming!” You call, before turning to Mark with a half-grin on your face. “This isn’t over yet.”

Mark squeezes your hand before letting go of it.

“Can’t be over if you never started it.”

“Mark Lee!”

Girl I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it I am into it, I am into it

conGRADs, Mark and (Name)!

The sign is both massive and incredibly cheesy, but the amount of happiness it gives you is immeasurable. It hangs over Mark’s front porch, visible from the other end of the street, and as you and Mark pass by them, any neighbors that are out make sure to congratulate you.

You aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

The two of you’d escaped the clutches of your overexcited parents a little bit over an hour prior, around 11, under the guise of taking a walk around the neighborhood to talk about your upcoming collegiate futures. That was how you’d ended the night, of course, but before that you’d both beelined to your house, wanting to sit and talk in your bedroom for the time being.

Discussion of your coming lives had sputtered out after a while - after all, it’s all you’d both been talking about for years, now - and you’d wound up situated in Mark’s lap, laughing against his lips.

“We should have graduation night sex.”

His tone is matter-of-fact, so much so that you roll your eyes at his bluntness. “We’re going to have to get back eventually.”

“We have time!”

His laugh against your collarbone is enough to tell you that nothing’ll happen tonight, that time together will just be time together. Still, you can’t help but respond.

“Yeah, time enough at college. We’ll be out of the house in 3 months, baby.”

Mark wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you impossibly closer, pressing a chaste kiss to the junction of your jaw and neck. It tickles.

“We won’t have to sneak around and shit, either.” You continue, lightly running your hand through his hair.

“We didn’t sneak around much this year, anyways. Our parents are just oblivious as fuck.”

“True-” You feel your phone vibrate, causing you to squirm around to reach it for a moment before Mark pulls it from your back pocket and hands it to you, mirth in his eyes. You scrunch up your nose at him before answering - its your mom.

“Where are you?” She sounds slightly worried, so you’re quick to mention that you’re with Mark and near your house, both safe and sound.

“Come back quickly - Mark’s cousins are planning on sleeping soon because they start their four hour drive back at 6 in the morning, and we don’t want them to miss their chance to say good night to him.”

You reply with a quick “I’ll tell him - love you.” before she hangs up. Sliding off of Mark’s lap, you help him up.

“Did you hear what she said, or?”

“Yeah. Your call volume’s always been too loud.”

“I, for one, like to think that it’s just loud enough, thanks.”

Mark grins, choosing to loop an arm around your waist instead of replying.

The moment the two of you step inside, careful not to stand too close to each other, you’re bombarded by exclaims from family and friends and family friends alike. It’s getting late, and people are starting to gather up their belongings. You yourself are staying the night, however - otherwise, Mrs. Lee would riot.

You don’t mind.

You close the front door behind you, being pulled into the group of people the moment that you do.

As Mark is dragged into the ending remarks of a conversation with his aunts about something that you can’t quite hear, your mother’s friend’s young daughter tugs you down to her level to congratulate you, shyly placing a pipe-cleaner flower - clearly made by her - behind your ear.

You kiss her cheek before she runs away out of shyness, far quicker than you expect her to be able to. Laughing, you stand up, only to be pulled into a discussion about your plans for college with your parents and one of your uncles.

You briefly make eye contact with Mark - who’s also been given a pipe-cleaner flower - once, winking at him discreetly before turning back to nod along to your uncle’s rant over how you shouldn’t push your passions under the rug for your profession. You don’t see your boyfriend make his way through the throng of people gathered in his foyer - most have started filtering out, leaving by foot or by car - until you feel his hand against the small of your back for a quick moment.

He shakes your father’s hand and hugs your mother before introducing himself to your uncle, who knows of him but doesn’t know him. Time passes quicker with Mark by your side, and, before you know it, it’s 2 am and the only people left in Mark’s how are both of your direct families and your uncle, who’s staying at your house for the night.

“You have everything? Toothbrush? Pajamas?”

You sigh, looking pointedly at your father.

“I’m a college student!”

“Doesn’t mean that you’re responsible.”

You and your dad grin together before you shake your head. Both of your parents and your uncle bid you and the Lees goodnight before Mark’s parents follow them outside, probably to continue talking for a little bit more.

Mark closes the door behind them, turning to you immediately after only to find that you’re already halfway upstairs. He shakes his head affectionately before following you up to his room.

“(Name), you did remember a toothbrush, right?”

“Yeah, but I forgot clothes.”

“I guess you’ll just have to sleep naked - ow!” Mark rubs the skin on his arm where you’d lightly smacked him. It doesn’t erase the playful grin from his face. “Fuck you, fine. You can borrow some pajamas, or something.”

You laugh as you flop down onto his bed before humming inquisitively to yourself for a moment over a question you’ve been mulling over in your head for a short while. You know that summer’s just started, but you can’t help but wonder how it’ll go.

“What’s your plan for this summer? Other than getting ready for our courses and stuff.”

Mark furrows his brows at this while he strips, changing into shorts and a shirt before throwing you one of his longest shirts. You change as well, folding your clothes neatly and placing them on his desk chair to take home tomorrow.

“I haven’t thought about it, honestly. Why?” Mark turns off the hallway lights and opens his door halfway - a rule his parents have for his bedroom door whenever you sleep over. It’s fair, you suppose, even if they don’t know that you’re together. Maybe it’s especially because they don’t know that you’re together.

Mark turns off the light after laying his sleeping bag down on the floor, giving you the bed as always.

Tomorrow, you’ll wake up on the floor next to him, also as always.

“I was thinking...”

“Yeah?”

You turn on your side to face your boyfriend in the dark.

“I was thinking that we could take a road trip.”

A long silence follows your statement, and you begin thinking that you’ve made a mistake asking until, in the dark, you can see the faint outline of Mark’s smile.

“I’m free all summer, babe. Just tell me where and when.”

“For real?”

The excitement in your voice is almost tangible, and you’re half embarrassed at how childish you must sound. Mark, to his merit, just nods while smiling.

He looks up at you, and, even in the dark, you can see the softness in his eyes.

“Yeah,” He pauses, grinning at you.

“I’m into it.”

fin... for now?

im shit at endings but also this has been like...a month coming...i’m gonna come back and rewrite this someday but yeet enjoy.... i should’ve reread before posting but w/e

2K notes · View notes

terresdebrume · 5 years

Text

Random rambling about a random day

So today was A Day You know when you do a thing you were totally capable of doing before and then your body is like ‘you’re turning thirty next year you numbnugget’? Yeah, that’s me this week. Actually, that’s been me since last Thursday, when I stayed up until 3am ish to write The space between, and then proceeded to send what little was left of my sleep schedule straight to the trash can. To be fair, my working hours just do not work for my natural rhythm. The most refreshing time of my existence was right after I came back from visiting Fel in Korea, when I’d gotten in the habit of being in bed by nine and waking up before seven (no forced methods necessary, it just felt like the right thing to do). This worked because, at the time, my at-work work day started around 10am and ended at 5:30pm, which allowed me to be home by 6pm and do all extraneous work on weekdays before I got to the workplace. (Also I had less teaching hours, which takes a buttload of work off your shoulders, let me tell you.) Unfortunately, I specialize in teaching younger students, who are in after-after-school-classes-classes when they come with us, which means the earliest of them start as 5pm. And I have to be available for them. So I’m stuck with that for the foreseeable future, unless the new boss decides to stop the children’s classes entirely (they are, apparently, not profitable enough). And I mean, I love teaching the kids’ classes, but boy does that make me tired xD

Which is honestly 98% of the reason why today was A Day: I went to work without my wallet, then came home to get it back because, although a friend lent me some money for the day, I wouldn’t have been able t afford lunch and my journey to and from my physiotherapist appointment. I got home, had lunch, got in a tuktuk to the physiotherapist’s and then realized my appointment is actually tomorrow. And I couldn’t change my destination because the driver spoke no English and I couldn’t think of how to express what was happening in Khmer at that moment. (I did, obviously, figure it out right as the tuktuk was leaving, after I paid :P) Then I got back to work and, because I’d been away longer than planned or necessary, I had to finish a thing I’d planned to finish earlier, meaning I didn’t have time to prepare my kids’ class (which I guess is one more reason why I should try to do that on the weekends/in the morning but that’s my free/sleeping time, NO) so I had to improvise 1h30 of class which was...interesting. I’m just glad I have a couple time-consuming rituals and their languages skills are small enough to make any new activity a bit of an ordeal (so anyway, they learned the word ‘and’ and how to pronounce a bunch of letters combos that they didn’t know before, so there’s that). The strange thing is, I’m super tired (and should be in bed rn but I got home past 8pm which means I haven’t even had two hours of post-work leisure time yet so we’ll deal for another couple minutes) but at the same time I’m proud of myself because I managed to improvise in a constructive and somewhat interesting way! We’ve been doing a lot of talking about kids’ classes these days because up until now the motto was ‘who cares about writing, we want to make them want to keep going with french’ which was cool but also led to some problems...and anyways, the new (well, he’s been here for nearly six-ish months now so…) boss wants to introduce written French in these classes. Meaning I’m experimenting a ton of new stuff with my classes (I have a double level this session! it’s exhausting! And complicated! But I’m managing! it’s doing me a proud!) and setting things up in a more efficient way! Which I have to say is doing wonder for my self esteem and ego. Like, literally, this morning my friend Julie called me organized which LOL, one more point in favor of the fake it till you make it column xD Anyways, I don’t know, this post suddenly just turned into ‘things I want to do at work this year’ and I’m not sure how but I’ll take it. One of my medium-length term projects (in between putting money on the side to visit trovia this summer) is to invest in a school supplies box of wonder for myself and my class. I get MAJOR envy whenever I see people post pictures of their classroom which is THEIRS and they have all the material needed and whatnot! And I’m not planning on bringing everything I need to work with myself but I’m tired of always having to split insufficient material between three classes (because HR gripes about buying scissors for the kids to often but apparently okayed a new TV screen for the lobby, which I’m a little salty about) and so I figure if I could just make sure I always have:

1 mini whiteboard (whatever you call these in English, I don’t feel like looking it up rn) per student

1 whiteboard marker per student (I actually had that at one point until I forgot to ask for them back one too many time (or someone needed to borrow one idk) because I tend to pick up the ones my colleagues don’t use anymore and they’re refillable which is good enough for what I do with them)

1 box of color pencils per student (or at least, per two students)

1 pencil, eraser, pair of scissors, stick of glue, pencil sharpener and black pen per student

My life as a teacher would be that much easier and less stressful tbh. Not to mention I might get work to pay for some of that, which would be double nice, but I’m not counting on it too much. I’m just tired of having to ruffle through my own cases and realize I keep losing stuff because the kids plain don’t remember to hand things back and I don’t remember to ask for it often enough. (Also I don’t want to deal with the hassle of fighting a ten years old who doesn’t even seem to realize that ‘his’ marker is the freaking marker he forgot to hand back, I know because I remember the use patterns on that one). Anyway what I get from this post so far is I’m tired (which I knew) and more than a little anal when it comes to work and I let myself indulge in it (which I did not know for many years but am more and more acutely aware of, and also I might make a post specifically about that) and all semblance of coherence flies right out the window as soon as I’m not a) at work or b) writing—and even then, sometimes it’s a tenuous grasp. Man am I rambly. Oh well. Maybe one day I’ll talk about work more, it’ll do me some good to reflect on my methods and/or brag about my progresses in organizational skills. In the meantime, I’m gonna sign off and go collapse on my best for a while—kudos to anyone who read that far, and see you all later. Also, reminder to self: I need to signal boost a thing from DW sometimes this week. Maybe tomorrow morning.

#My Posts #Matt has a life #Shit from work

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staysuki · 3 years

Note

AHAHAHHAHA SANAOL FLOOR 😭

btw CONGRATS ON GETTING A RAISE 🍕 ! (im currently on time out 😩)

ify 🍕 when i read stories i have so much stuff i want to comment later on but once i start typing out my ask, i forget abt it 😃👍

IVE READ THAT BEFORE AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT UgHhhhH her works are so good , i love her someone mend my broken heart the most. i felt it so much huhu

ill miss EHALOJ since after it ends, itd be a while before you update s2 :"> its fine tho, YHM will keep on coming hehe and omgg its almost 200 notes already 🤩🤩🤩 dcurb mo ean be

----------------squid game episode 3 replies to your reactions-------------------

ok first of all, mr detective is hot af 🥵 huhu and yeah btch shouldve informed someone like wtf lols and i agree, idk how in the world he didnt get caught 👁️👄👁️ ALI BEST GUY 💕 #212 is actually kinda smort for thinking of vaginal smuggling uWu and since your done watching that ep, press the link below. hahahahahhaha the "kid" is handsome lmao lol xd marupok na ba ako nito?!?!?!?!

https://ibb.co/QcSnykQ

----------------squid game episode 4 replies to your reactions-------------------

honestly, i only remembered the bathroom scene here. i was watching it at early morning so i was hiding lmao (my sister was sleeping in the same room) anyways i had it on speaker mode, with a weak volume ofc, and before that scene was them whispering right? i increased the vol since i couldnt here them then i was shocked af since it cut to a large ass aaaaaaaa AHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHA 😭

-----------------------------how i interpreted the emojis---------------------------

- seungmin and y/n dancing - lmao y/n ditched our boy for ryujin and yuna - omg did they plan on ruining yeji that night?! - they prob captured video evidences to ruin yejis image before proceeding it to post online ???? - wat da fuq is this (UPDATE: THEY CLOWNED EACH OTEHR?? WUT) - wut du faq iz thouis ? (ANOTHER UPDATE: I THINK THIS MEANS THEY BANGED SOMEONES HEAD SMWHERE OUT OF ANGER OR SMTH) - uHH someone won the crown? im excited >:(

THE MOODBOARD iS absOlUTEly 😌👌 - bs

🎉🎉-for pizza anon

and honestly same, this is why i’m editing real-time comments on squid game so i don’t lose my train of thought esp. since it’s hour-length episodes 😭

it’s the first time i’ve read their work i think (i’m bad at remembering tumblr users and fics hence the new library blog) but it was really pretty :(((. i can’t find their masterlist though, i’d def want to see more of their work.

i’ll miss EHALOJ too 😭. and dw about it, with the way i spontaneously do updates, maybe it won’t be that long. who knows. i do plan to finish seungmin’s smau first though, so if i end up enjoying writing for YHAM then it’ll take longer :,)))) if not, it’s gonna be a small smau again (though i think a shorter series works for YHAM). once EHALOJ starts back up, that probably just means that I already have all of seungmin’s smau episodes up in queue 💅

medyo biased aq kay detective hwang bc i’m a hwang myself 💅🤧 mrs. hwang hyunjin jkjk parang qaqo lang eon. BEST GUY ALI, he’s gonna die isn’t he 😀 he’s too perfect and too good to be true. and if something is too good to be true, it probably is. imma give him like, 2 more episodes tops. and also what kid 😭

THE PICTURE OML BS 😭😭😭😭 but i felt that.

and honestly no.212 is so noisy, i hate her character trope sm but ig that’s normal for korean series’(???) like i remember Sweet Home had that noisy guy too.

THE INTERPRETATIONS- I CANNOT

the season climax written part comes out tomorrow :* tried and guess which emoji was which scene. once you read it it’s gonna be SUPER OBVIOUS (well, some parts, idk, my emoji game is bad). l

#anon: bub stop.#pizza anon #anon:🍕

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crescendohowell · 7 years

Text

Adventurous

Summary: Phil isn’t much of an adventurous uni student. That is at least, until he goes out with a friend to the club and wakes up the next morning with no memory of the previous night and a text from someone who he apparently had “fun” with.

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: alcohol mentions

A/N: idk but here’s some cute coffee shop getting together fluff type of thing. i’m still just trying to get back into writing (and get back into actually finishing fics lmao) but hope this is a good happy read (i actually have another fic that i’m gonna post tomorrow that i’m much more excited for but shhh)

read on ao3

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.”

Phil had never really been much of the adventurous type. He tended to prefer staying in to going out and anytime he tried to break a rule he ended up feeling so anxious that he couldn’t go through with it. Instead he was content to play video games and go to coffee with his friends and not really worry about doing any of the things that kids in uni were supposed to do given that this was the time of their lives that they were supposed to be messing around.

However, last night, for some completely unknown reason, Phil had (albeit reluctantly) agreed to go out to the club with one of his good friends. He remembered how hot it was when they had first walked into the building pulsing with music and he remembered how absolutely horrible the first shot of the pineapple mango vodka had been. But after a couple more shots of slightly less vile alcohol and at least one beer, Phil’s memory of the past night started to go a bit fuzzy.

So fuzzy in fact that when he woke up the next morning with a text from an unknown number that read “hey I had so much fun with you tonight, just texting you now so that you have my number”, he had absolutely no idea who it was from.

Phil tried to wrack his brain for any memory of talking to someone new but it was all completely blank. Of course, his pounding headache and nauseous stomach weren’t really helping his thinking abilities and he set his phone back down onto his bedside table with a sigh as he decided to worry about the text later, maybe after an aspirin and some toast.

That small detour however, ended up turning into a long while of sitting on the couch playing video games and definitely not thinking about the text on his phone. Then Phil’s roommate came home with his own stories from the past night and Phil spent a while just listening.

It was after that that he decided it was probably time that he finally dealt with the text.

Still sitting on the couch, he unlocked his phone and opened up the dreaded message. Staring at the words, Phil didn’t even bother clicking to type yet because he was so far from knowing what to say. He couldn’t help but wonder what the “I had so much fun” part implied. He had never been one to get handsy with a stranger but given how much last night was outside of Phil’s normal habits, he wasn’t even sure if he could trust that aspect of himself.

The text didn’t have any emojis or anything and Phil found himself analyzing that aspect of it as well. When he had girlfriends in the past they had always used a lot of hearts. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the mysterious texter was a guy. Phil had only just figured out he was bisexual in the past year (and by “figured out” he meant that after many sleepless nights he had finally admitted to himself what he knew had always been true). He had never actually told anyone else though, let alone actively pursued a boy. But the thought that the text might be from a guy was more exciting than Phil would care to admit and it was really the only thing that made him intrigued enough to finally get over himself and start to write something back.

<< 12:45pm: hey, sorry I didn’t write back sooner, I’m afraid I don’t remember much of last night, you might have to jog my memory lol. I’m sure that it must have been nice to meet you though! >>

<< 12:51pm: haha makes sense you don’t remember, you were pretty wasted mate. >>

Phil stared at the response in shock, letting out a breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding. The stranger responded so quickly and judging by the “mate”, they actually were most likely a boy. He almost started to type something back but instead three bubbles popped up as the stranger began to write again.

<< 12:52pm: my name’s dan (i'm assuming you don’t remember that lol) and we danced for a while at the bar. >>

<< 12:52pm: well nice to meet you (again?) then dan!! i must’ve not done anything too regrettable given that you’re still talking to me haha. >>

<< 12:53pm: I mean we did have some pretty interesting conversations when I dragged out outside to make sure you got into your uber okay… >>

<< 12:53pm: oh god. >>

<< 12:54pm: dw it was nothing too bad, just some of your deepest darkest secrets. >>

<< 12:54pm: I know that was sarcastic but given that I was flirting with you at all…already exposing one of my secrets that nobody else knows. >>

<< 12:54pm: oh shit man. >>

<< 12:55pm: yeah…I know. >>

<< 12:55pm: well if it makes you feel better, you didn’t seem like you’re still in the closet given the confidence with which you practically grinded on me with. >>

<< 12:56pm: I’m not quite sure if that makes me feel better or worse lmao. sorry if I made you uncomfortable. >>

<< 12:56: oh no I definitely wanted it trust me. I would have wanted to do more too if you hadn’t been so tipsy. >>

<< 12:56pm: yeah? >>

<< 12:58pm: yeah. we should meet up sometime Phil. I don’t want this to just be some one time drunken dancing. >>

<< 12:59pm: you remembered my name. >>

<< 1:00pm: of course. >>

<< 1:01pm: and yes, I would like if we could meet up. maybe even a date? >>

<< 1:02pm: see? this is what I mean! way to confident to have never told anyone about not being straight. but yes, I’d like it if it was a date :) >>

<< 1:03pm: tomorrow? we can go grab a coffee? I’m assuming to you to York for uni too… >>

<< 1:04pm: sounds perfect and yes I do. meet at Second Cup at 10am tomorrow? >>

<< 1:05pm: see you then!! >>

And Phil set his phone, letting out another shaky breath because oh my goodness he had a date with a boy named Dan who he had apparently danced with and wasn’t that the most wonderful thing? All those worries about if he was attracted to boys seemed so far away as he felt giddy about someone that he didn’t even know what he looked like. All Phil knew was that he couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come. And that he was missing texting Dan already.

It wasn’t until Phil was walking to the coffee shop the next day that some of the nerves began to settle in. He realised that while Dan obviously knew that he wasn’t straight, nobody else did and if he saw one of his friends at the coffee shop (as was quite likely considering he often went there with various different friends) they would probably ask Phil questions about who Dan was. Phil wasn’t sure if he was ready to answer questions like that truthfully.

But on the other hand, he didn’t want Dan to feel like he was ashamed of him. And besides, this would be a good way to come out to people. Phil mainly only hadn’t done so in the past because he hadn’t been quite sure (which had been fixed now) and because he was the worst at bringing up things up in conversation. Still, he didn’t know if the middle of a coffee shop was the best place to spring something like that on an unsuspecting friend. Phil decided that he could only hope that nobody he knew well enough that they would ask would be there.

Those thoughts kept Phil occupied for the walk but as he pulled open the door of the shop and felt the warm rush of the air inside as he walked into the comforting scent of coffee, he realised that he wasn’t entirely sure what Dan looked like. And he was even less sure how he was supposed to act on a date with a boy. He figured it was mostly the same, but he didn’t have all that much experience with dating girls either, at least not lately, and he really didn’t want to screw this up. Wanting to continue to appear as though he was straight had always been enough to force himself to talk calmly and without stuttering to cute boys, but Phil had a feeling that he would be a bit of a mess now that he didn’t have to pretend that anymore.

“Phil?” A voice interrupted his thoughts as they walked up to him. “Nice to see you here!” It was one of girls he talked to in his media class last year. Her name was Alyssa and they had studied together before big exams.

“Hello,” Phil forced a smile because as nice as she was, his thoughts were definitely on finding someone else.

“It’s a shame I’m just heading out,” Alyssa looked towards the door, wrinkling her nose at the cold windy weather that she was about to walk out into. “We’ll have to catch up some other time thought. I’ve missed talking to you.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Phil’s smile was more genuine this time. She was actually quite a lovely person and he had missed having her in a class. He couldn’t help but feel relieved that she was leaving though. “Text me, yeah?”

“Yeah,” She smiled back, readjusting her backpack on her shoulders. “See you around.”

And she was out the door before Phil could say goodbye.

It wasn’t because she moved quickly though, but rather once she stepped aside Phil saw someone else and he got a bit tongue tied. Alyssa was forgotten about as Phil couldn’t help but stare at the beautiful boy sitting at the table in the back of the shop. He knew immediately that the boy was Dan, feelings from other night washing over him as soon as he saw his face again. Phil still couldn’t remember anything specific but all of a sudden he could feel the aching want that he had felt that night. Dan was stunning. Phil hadn’t understood why that night had finally been the night that he couldn’t hide his feelings for boys any longer, but now it was perfectly clear.

Phil would give up so much to be with Dan. The want was so strong it almost scared him. But as Dan looked up, making eye contact with Phil, and smiled a dimpled smile, Phil had never felt less scared.

“Hey,” Phil walked up. His voice broke a little on the word but really, wasn’t that to be expected?

“Hi,” Dan’s eyes crinkled.

Phil thought that brown eyes were infinitely more stunning than anyone ever gave them credit for.

“At least you remembered what I looked like enough to find me,” Dan teased.

“Mm, don’t think I could forget that,” Phil didn’t even bother trying to hide the fact that he couldn’t keep his eyes off Dan. His hair was so curly and his jacket fit him so well.

“You’re such a flirt even when sober,” Dan’s smile was filled with amusement as he spoke.

“You bring out all my most desperate flirting,” Phil finally sat down at the table in the chair across from Dan. He desperately wanted to run his fingers lightly over the light freckles on Dan’s cheeks. Phil had never been this impossibly attracted to someone.

“Well you’re pretty cute yourself,” Dan said as though he could read Phil’s thoughts.

Phil thought that his heart might beat out of chest and he almost couldn’t breathe but oh, it was the best feeling. The cutest boy he had ever met was flirting with him and he was flirting back. It was more than he had ever allowed himself to dream of.

They spent the next hour in their little back corner of the coffee shop. They sipped on identical drinks that Phil had insisted on paying for and talked about everything. There was never a moment of awkward silence. Phil had known that Dan was cute from the beginning, but by the end of that hour his attraction to Dan went so much further than just based on appearance.

When they walked outside together, they made promises to see each other again soon as they stood close together in the windy weather while Phil counted the freckles across Dan’s nose. He thought about how he wasn’t much of the adventurous type. He was normally the type of person to take things slow and wait a couple of dates before initiating anything. But then again Phil wasn’t normally the type of person to go to a club or the type of person to grind on cute boys while dancing or the type of person to text back a stranger whose name he couldn’t even remember.

So Phil took a breath of the cold air and counted Dan’s freckles and didn’t think about anything but the warm feeling in his chest. He let it seep throughout his body, gathering it all up, until he was able to feel the anxiety that was always there begin to slip away.

Phil leaned forward and pressed his lips against Dan’s. They kissed softly with the wind swirling around them and the taste of coffee on both their lips.

This was most certainly the beginning of a huge adventure, but already it was one where Phil already felt like he was at home.

#what a predictable title lmao #phanfic #phan #phanfiction #phan fluff #mine #coffee shop #uni

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littlelakeswallow · 7 years

Text

1. Real name : Andrew

2. Nickname(s) : Fishy, Mandrew

3. Fav. color: Sky blue and the pink of sakura

4. Male or female : Male

5. Nursery/Kindergarten : Kingdergarten

6. Primary School : Parramatta Public school

7. Secondary : wait is this how i’m meant ot answer Parramatta High School

8. College : TAFE/Diploma in Games development (Art)

9. Hair Color : Black

10. Tall or Short : 168cm u decide

11. Sweats or Jeans : Jeans

12. Phone or Camera : Phone

13. Health freak : Health conscious

14. Orange or Apple : Oranges

15. Do you have a crush on someone : Not realllyyyy buuut who knowssssss

16. Eat or Drink : Drink

17. Piercings : Noop

18. Pepsi or Coke: Coke!

19. Been in an airplane : Yup!

20. Been in a relationship : ALMSOT in year 7 but im so glad that didn’t happen. idk i’ll ask some pretty girl out if she comes along but i can’t support a relationship right now.

21. Been in a car accident : nope

22. Been in a fist fight : only for training. i fractured my older bro’s sternum >>

23. First piercing : noooo

24. Best friend(s): i love man teekay and my terrorist sahim

25. First award : Regional high jump!!!! And then people my age were jumping 180cm so LATERS ME AND MY 160??

26. First crush : Silly crush on a girl from church when i was in like year 2 hahahahha she called me ugly so lATERS

27. First word : probably fish

28. Zodiac Sign: Gemini

29. Last person you texted : Actually my mum... TO ASK HER WHERE THE HECK SHE WAS

30. Last person you talked to: peoples from ARTTRA

31. Last person you watched a movie with : people from ARTTRA literally just now

32. Last food you ate : Laksa

33. Last movie you watched : Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (Part 2)

34. Last song you listened to : dunnoo

35. Last thing you bought : i got a tonne of prints and keychains from SMASH

37. Fav Food : Mapo tofu no jk. Otherwise... agedashi tofu and jap curry

38. Fav Drink : i love soy milk......

39. Fav Bottoms : Trousers are king

40. Fav Flower : Lilies

41. Fav Animal : Kitty.. I like hummingbirds a lot... and does

42. Color/s : complementary is king

43. Fav Movie : Mononoke Hime

44. Fav Subject : highschool ptsd i am 69th percentile i almost got a mystery mark.

IT though, for the 5 man class. we were tight as heck and that teacher helped me through some tough high school times

HAVE YOU EVER:

(Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone.

46. [x]celebrated Halloween.

47. [x] had your heart broken. It hoits

48. [] went over the data on your cell phone.

49. [prob not past 18 years i was a toad, still a toad bit i suppose a tiny bit less] had someone like you

51. [x yes] got pregnant.

52. [ ] had an abortion.

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.

55. [x] hid a secret.

56. [x] pretended to be happy.

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [x] pretended to be sick.

59. [X] left the country.

60. [X] tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it.

61. [X] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [X] ran a mile.

63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [x] disliked someone.

66. [ ] stayed single for 2 years since the first time you had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating : Noop

68. Drinking : Yooop

69. Listening : The sound of Ip Man in the background

70. Sitting/Laying : Sitting

71. Plans for today: Sleep, but tomorrow is back to the drawing.

72. Waiting for : Myself to finish this so I can sleep

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids : YES

74. Want to get married : LOVE ME

75. Career : my only path is drawing. all boats have been burned.

76. Lips or eyes : If i were to become one giant eye, or one giant lip, I would choose the eyes.

look if a girl has pretty eyes it’s like :)))))

77. Shorter or Taller : TALLER LOOK THAT GIRL I HINTED AT EARLIER I NEED TO BE TALLER AHHAHAHAH

78. Romantic or spontaneous : BOTH

81. Hook-up or relationship : I’m..... not the type of person for a hook up.

82. Looks or personality: both la..........

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts : Nope

84. Snuck out of a house : Nope?

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense : Nope

86. Killed somebody : Nope

87. Broken someone’s heart : Nope

88. Been in love : look every crush i’ve had has been v bad for myself except the most recent

89. Cried when someone died : IN ANIME

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself : almost too much

91. Miracles : COS GOD

92. Love at first sight : i was stunned also

93. Heaven : yup

94. Santa Claus: in my heart of hearts

95. Aliens: basically if god decided to make aliens then there are aliens otherwise i don’t care now you know how i think about every controvercial topic

96. Ghosts : ^

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now : more like a ‘in my mind it would be a really nice thing to have’, like icing on a cake. i’m really good at wanting things that are not good for myself though.

so, it stays as a nice little maybe. i’ll see in a few months, or if someone else comes and sweeps me off my feet.

98. Do you know who your real friends are : what does real friends even mean? some are in my life right now, and won’t be in future. but i do my silly best to love them.

100. Post as 100 truths : Yea, have a read! i spent too long and was a bit too honest

tagged by good man @propertyofaminus

friends i choose you

@katsuraa @heartoverblade @actualbotjeanne @sumeragimikoto

only if ur bothered dw

@ashesofeternity i forgot u pls do it

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super-rainbows · 7 years

Text

mtnbvwsew

Rainbow: that’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

Ethan: If it helps, most people agree with you.

Rainbow: no. I still want to throw up just knowing it exists.

Ethan: *hugs?*

Rainbow: <3 anyway, are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah, I think so. I don’t know.

Jamie: So I was kinda right about why you were scared. :P

Ethan: I guess. It seemed very overanalysing-ish and so on.

Jamie: Yeah, I get what you mean. I mean, I thought so too, which is why I let it go and was like “yeah you’re probably right” when you said it wasn’t that.

Ethan: But yeah, this all seems like it has to be fake. Why would actual mental health professionals act like the piq thing is actually bad or traumatic or worth caring about? Why would they not act like I’m being ridiculous? Why would they act like my reaction is valid and not disproportionate? It doesn’t make any sense and I feel like I must have misled them somehow. It just seems fake.

Jamie: Yeah, so that seems like you’re finding it hard to process or come to terms with.

Ethan: Probably ‘cause I’m not high enough. :P Oh, @.Rainbow: Sorry for being bad.

Rainbow: you’re not bad, dw. anyway, you took diet pills and stimulants so you probably more than compensated anyway.

Ethan: Anyway, so, why would I find it hard to process when I’ve already processed it before?

Jamie: Well, you did do most of the processing while high? So that could be it?

Ethan: Could that really be it?

Jamie: I think so.

Ethan: So what, I just have to start again? Over and over and over?

Jamie: Hopefully only once, after you get off codeine.

Ethan: Will it just be like going right back to when I was 13/14, or will be it like going back to when I was 16/17?

Jamie: I don’t know. I hope it’s neither.

Ethan: I know the addiction group facilitator said that addiction can kinda stop your emotional development from whenever you started. But since it was on and off and pretty short when I was 14/15, what would that count as?

Jamie: idk, maybe subtract one year for that? So when you were 17 you would’ve been stuck at like 16? But then once you hit 18 you would’ve been stuck at 17ish, and then stayed that way.

Ethan: Hmm. I feel about 18, like that’s the oldest age it doesn’t confuse me to say.

Rainbow: but then we also have trauma and autism to take into account. in terms of coping mechanisms though, I see you going back to 13/14. as in, somewhere between @.% and “some fucked up mix of literally everything”. but maybe the dbt will help with that?

Ethan: I don’t know. I’m scared of coming off codeine and I don’t want to, but I also want to just come off it and get it over with as soon as possible so I can be allowed do the other therapies.

Jamie: I think going too fast would be detrimental, though.

Rainbow: oh yeah, this is irrelevant, but I love ___’s wifi password! I know you said you’d (we’d, I guess) try and forget it, but it’s just so great. xD it’s like my and Jamie’s passwords, or yours for playstation network.

Ethan: Not exactly, but yeah, I like it. :P And I’ve forgotten the corresponding email address (or hopefully will soon), so it’s probably okay.

Ethan: I guess I should try and do the java thing.

Jamie: Yeah, if you want/can.

Ethan: I just need to write something that’ll check if it’s solvable. But how am I meant to do that?

Rainbow: didn’t they give you code for that? for figuring out if it was an “odd” or “even” permutation?

Ethan: I guess. Oh, I get what they mean by “inversions” now! They mean within the same array, not compared to a different one. So within the same array, how many lower-index numbers are greater than higher-index numbers. That’s literally it. This is great! That should hopefully be really easy to do, so then after that all I’ll need to do is the documentation part, which I don’t totally understand.

Rainbow: seems like it’s just write about what your program does?

Ethan: I assume for the solvability part, I can just shove that into the “board” class?

Rainbow: I don’t see why not. oh yeah, do you know which gaidhlig things you don’t have?

Ethan: No. My bag is a mess of papers, and I haven’t got the printer set up anyway.

Rainbow: it’s not like you’re gonna sleep soon anyway. you took like a 5 hour nap and then took caffeine pills.

Ethan: I just won’t bother doing them, and/or figure it out tomorrow. I’ll live without getting 100% on coursework. *suspicion*

Rainbow: it’s okay, you’re good. you know that, and we know that. I will say that I don’t think cutting words into yourself has any practical use, like nobody can even see them or anything, but I have no room to say anything, lol.

Ethan: Yeah, but I know they’re there. That’s the point. And also that I wanted to hurt myself, though it didn’t hurt very much.

Rainbow: hmm. the amount of blood was kinda concerning. part of the L looked kinda deep.

Ethan: Nah, it’s fine. I mean, you see them now. They stopped bleeding pretty quickly and closed fully and everything.

Rainbow: I guess.

Ethan: I didn’t intend to do both, but only having a word on one leg was asymmetrical and I didn’t like it, and I hadn’t been sure which one to do, anyway.

Jamie: Hmm. :/ What exactly is a good way for you to try and get to the point of being like, “the things that happened were bad and wrong, and the way I feel about them and reacted to them is valid” etc?

Ethan: I don’t know.

Jamie: I guess it’s a rhetorical question, really.

Rainbow: isn’t that the whole point of counselling?

Ethan: But I’ve been told those things by lots of people before. Why would being told them by different people be different somehow? Why would the hundredth or whatever time suddenly be the time that I don’t fail to understand it properly?

Jamie: *shrugs* idk, it’s therapy, isn’t it their job to convince you of things like that? I guess?

Ethan: Ugh, there’s a DCLRS this week. Oh, isn’t the assignment due at noon (on Friday)? Ideally I’ll work on it tomorrow and Thursday and hopefully finish it before Friday anyway.

Rainbow: Martha’s gonna be here a week from Friday. try and remember that. :P so yeah, Friday’s a lot of things, but mostly it’s the day that, a week later, she’ll be here.

Ethan: <3

Rainbow: you should really go to bed soon, btw.

Ethan: I guess. I have to be up at 7am, right? But I did sleep earlier.

Rainbow: yeah, but I don’t think it really works like that.

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh well.

Rainbow: if you wanna do gaidhlig stuff tomorrow that might be a good idea. if the wifi works and if you can figure out which ones you don’t have.

Ethan: I’m not sure if any of them were assignments. I might just ask in the group chat if there is or was anything due.

Rainbow: yeah, but they don’t know which classes you have or haven’t skipped, and you don’t even know that. it doesn’t matter or anything, so please don’t worry, but yeah. are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah. Are you?

Rainbow: yeah, for now, lol.

Ethan: I’ll try to block off anything bad from you.

Rainbow: you shouldn’t upset yourself like this.

Ethan: I don’t care. The feelings don’t exist unless I’m feeling them. I need to know that it’s there or valid.

Rainbow: I get it. I just don’t want you to be hurt or anything.

Ethan: I know. I’m sorry. I’m apologising for yelling and scaring you in general, by the way.

Rainbow: yeah I got that, lol. it’s okay, I don’t hold it against you. it would be too complicated to try, but you know I’ve been super easily upset by everything recently so I really don’t think you’re the problem. if ygm

Ethan: Yeah. But still, I never want to make you hurt or sad or scared, so I am sorry.

Rainbow: and I know that. we’re at kind of an impasse or whatever since I know you do care and don’t want to upset either of us and do stop yelling when we ask, but I also don’t like it when you yell and hit your phone etc, but I also know it would be hard for you to not do or even think anything at all in response to being upset. so... idk what the solution is there.

Ethan: If you really think both sides equal, then we can both just try halfway. As in, I can try to stop yelling at objects, and if you really think it’s bad for you to be upset by that you could try and not be? But I don’t think it is. I think it’s like the way I get upset whenever my mum is drunk. Like yeah, technically she’s allowed be drunk if she wants to, but she knows it upsets me and keeps doing it anyway.

Rainbow: hmm. yeah, I think it is kinda like that, except getting drunk requires a lot more time and effort than yelling at something in your head. I can’t just ask you to never think in a loud or angry/frustrated tone ever. so yeah, I really don’t know. anyway this is irrelevant so I don’t wanna keep talking about it.

Ethan: If you’re sure. You know, both of you are pretty much the only people I’m willing to try anything like “conflict resolution” or “communication” or “dealing with problems” with. :P

Rainbow: lol. yeah, we know.

Ethan: I guess because “never talk to you again ever” isn’t really an option, and neither is “make sure to never do/mention the thing again”, or at least it’s not easy since it’s a thought as opposed to anything else. As in, if something’s an action then at least there’s kind of a filter since the idea would have to go from my mind to my body, or something. But since it’s in our head that isn’t really there. I know there’s a difference between purposeful thoughts and non-purposeful ones, but it’s more that it’s extremely difficult to keep it away from you or to not do it.

Rainbow: yeah. I guess maybe if you could try and hesitate enough to ask if you can yell at your phone or whatever, and/or to warn us right before it so we can either be prepared or try to mute you.

Ethan: That’s probably the best solution, so I’ll try and do that.

Rainbow: cool. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: I feel so blank and numb and fake.

Rainbow: please go to bed soon, seriously.

Ethan: I know.

Rainbow: don’t hurt yourself or anything.

Ethan: I know I literally upset myself, but still.

Rainbow: it’s okay. anyway, please go to bed. you need to be up in like 4 hours, right?

Ethan: Yeah. But I feel awful and I don’t want to do anything ever. I just want to scream and die.

Rainbow: usually I’m inclined to be like “okay” but you only have phonetics or whatever it is once a week, and it’s the first class of the speech science part.

Ethan: Yeah. I’m not gonna not go to it. I know I should go to bed. I just feel so awful.

Rainbow: :/ I’m sorry (sympathy). *hugs*

Ethan: It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.

#imaginary friends

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