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liathgray · 3 years

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Ranking fmab characters worst to best

(Please don’t take this seriously)

1. Khymbleigh

- Lives in the sewers

- Committed mass murder

- Has a silly idiot hat

- Called me a dyke :(

2. Shou Tucker

- fuck this guy.

- Electric chair

- Also hes balding what a loser

3. Dwarf in the Bong

- mike wazoski lookin ass

- Literally the greasiest motherfucker on the planet

- Was one of the only characters introduced by NOT beating up Ed or Al..??

- Smells like rotten cabbage

4. Moy Rustang

- Incel

- Has stupid hair

- War criminal

- Teen dad

- Canon fat tits

- Useless🥰

5. Envy

- a bitch

6. Whorehenheim

- deadbeat

- Has never taken a shower in his life

- Only wears glasses because he thinks its quirky and cute

- Took the fattest bong rip of all time

- Also killed thousands

7. Tim Marcoh

- doctor and deserted the military

- honestly pretty chill

- But his name is Tim so... *cocks gun*

8. Bradley

- :/

- Killed a lesbian and thus is homophobic

- He wears an eyepatch despite having both eyes.

9. Elicia and Gracia Hughes

- tax evaders

10. Jean Havoc

- cool dude

- Cohntry boyy i luv youuu

- Did not look respectfully

- Smokes. Must be executed

11. Gluttony, pride and Sloth

- assholes but also what the fuck

- This boy like 10

- Wheres his babysitter

- fast????????

12. Armstrong

- his arms are strong

- Lil bitch

- Got his ass beat my his hot lesbian sister

13. Lust

- is sexy

- Murderer :(

- Big tibbies so she gets extra points

- She was just checking if roy and havoc were cake

14. Scar’s brother

- Truth took his cock.

15. Truth

- took Scar’s brother’s cock

16. Barry the chopper & the slicer

- criminals

- Almost killed Ed and Al

- Kinda sexy tho 😳

17. Greed (OG)

- greasy garbage man

- Got cucked after two eps

- Has dumb hair

- Was funny

18. Yoki

- He yo the ki or whatever

- I dont remember him

19. Fu and Lan Fan

- Legs for days!!!

- Breaking and entering

- Lan fan smugly cutting off her arm and saying “I beat you” awakened something in me

- Fu got shanked :(

20. Rose Thomas

- Maybe im gay. What of it?

- Almost shot Ed lmaooo

- Probably owns a ukulele

- Local

21. Greed 2.0

- stupid

- Beats the fuck out of Bradley

- Might’ve eaten dirt

- Went camping for five months instead of being helpful

- Aphobe :/

22. Ling

- freeloader

- Diabetic??????

- Smells like broke

- Gay little bitch boy

23. Sheska

- haha nerd

- I’m in love with you

- Was only in two episodes :(

24. Captain Buccaneer

- Off his shits always

- Took ten years to die lmfaooo

- MLM but a gatekeeper

25. Major Miles

- His facial hair is atrocious

- Otherwise? King

- Sunglasses indoors... ur on thin ice

- Turn around bright eyes...

26. Father Cornello

- So theres this middle aged man...

- Won the sexiest character poll on twitter

- Re🤢🤢 l🤢🤢. r-r-religous🤢🤢🤢c-cor🤮🤮 religious corruption

- Got gunched lol

26. Kain Fuery

- Has watched pulp fiction

- Haha glasses

- Probably volunteers at a animal shelter

27. Vato falman

- Skinny legend

- Genuinely cool and has development at briggs

- Go white boy go

28. Heymans Breda

- Has a moped

- Could crush my spine but wouldnt ❤️

- Crew cut 🤢🤢

29. Xiao Mei

- small and filled with rage

- Has good taste

- Gunch??????

- Literally so small please be careful

30. Gay chimeras

- TWO MEN

- WE’RE BURLY

- WE’LL DO WHAT YOU WANT

- cottagecore

31. Pinako Rockbell

- has been high off her ass for the past three years

- Sultry doctor who lives in a faraway town 😳😳😳 hello ma’am 😳

- Hair is definitely a weapon. Shits pointy

- Home wrecker

32. Sig

- wide

- Very wide

- Kiss kiss

- Only eats potatoes

33. Riza Hawkeye

- big arms big arms big arms biG ARMS BIG ARMS

- Would kill roy on sight

- she should kiss me

- rn

34. Maes Hughes

- had a band in highschool named frog soda or some shit like that

- Pretty cool! Nice to ed and al and winry

- Good dad

- Dead lol

35. Olivier Armstrong

- goth gf

- Sword.... sword hot.....

- Killed a dude for being annoying and I respect that

- Snorts snow and says its coke to freak people out

- Gay ass....

36. Ed Elric

- ok gay boy

- Makes everyones life hell. Good for him

- NERD????? A FUCKING NERD???

- I’d steal his lunch money

- No tiddies?

- :/

- Short king

37. Maria Ross and Denny Brosh

- wlw mlm solidarity

- maria ... hold my h-hand...

- literally had nothing to do with this but got McFcuked anyways

38. Scar

- acab

- Was right

- Dilf

39. Al Elric

- likes cats so he’s automatically superior

- Malnourished 😔✌️

- Cha cha slide in full armour

- Mean but only to Ed ❤️

- I love when he *king noises*

40. Izumi Curtis

- kiss me sexy woman

- Stole from briggs because fuck the military

- .. m...milf..

41. Paninya

- fucking superb you funky little lesbian

42. Winry Rockbell

- NERD!!! NERD !!

- Curb stomps her enemies

- Acab but also stole Riza’s look so 😳

- Is she.. u kno💅

43. Mei Chang

- her life is a YA drama

- gained a dad by being perfect

- bullies Ed

- is better than everyone

And finally..... the best character in fmab...

Resurrected Trisha

- 😳😳😳

- Yes i do the cookin yes i do the cleanin

- 😩😩😩

#posting this because im never gonna get to make my powerpoint😔#also for my dudes on discord #this is VERY cursed but please dont take it seriously #its a joak babes ...... haha funni...#fma #fmab #fullmetal alchemist

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lucyreviewcy · 5 years

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The Mummy (2017) Dir. Alex Kurtzman

What can I really say about this movie?

I wasn’t allowed to watch the original Mummy movies as a kid, so when I eventually came to watch these forbidden films I was vaguely disappointed that they weren’t spooky enough. As a result, I was pretty excited for the much spookier looking Tom Cruise reboot (even though it had Tom Cruise in it - usually something that drives me away from the movie).

There were a few alarm bells in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. For starters, we have a love interest who is a solid 23 years younger than our protagonist. She’s also definitely a love interest: she doesn’t do very much apart from get injured and be sad.

The second alarm bell was something I hadn’t picked up on before seeing this movie, but which I believe to be generally true. Rule: if the main character in a movie is called Nick, the main character in the movie is usually the worst. The Mummy compounds this issue by layering the Nicks all over the place. The first two characters we are introduced to are Nick (Tom Cruise) and Sgt. Vail. Sgt. Vail is played by Jake Johnson, who most of us will know as Nick from new girl. This issue is then made even worse by the introduction of Russell Crowe’s character, Henry, who is essentially the Dark Universe version of Nick Fury. THAT IS TOO MANY NICKS. More Nicks than a well-used broadsword. More Nicks than a Santa vs Satan themed birthday party. More nicks than Adrian Dunbar in a room full of bent coppers.

Aside this sig-nick-ficant issue which probably only affected me. There are so many other problems with this movie, but before I list them I want to state that I found it a fun romp. I would probably watch this movie again as a spooky treat around Halloween. I am fully disappointed that the Dark Universe never took off, because if this were the first offering I would have been so ready for the rest of the franchise. Sadness abounds.

That said, I can completely understand why audiences may have had trouble with this movie. Please see the following list of glaring flaws in The Mummy:

Tone. This movie has more trouble with tone than a dog trying to tastefully decorate a penthouse apartment. I don’t know much about its development, but it feels like an original version of the movie was shot and then producers said “Can’t you add a funny in every scene?” I don’t know if it was intentional, but even the big scary Pharoah-faced statue has something vaguely comical about it. As they lower the Mummy into her prison, past this big ol’ face, the face just looks really shocked and vaguely disgusted by her. I guess that’s a nice way of hammering home that the evil lady who just killed a baby really is evil. But also… She just killed a baby. We know she’s evil. We don’t need a statue to make an emoji-esque face to tell us that. This gets worse when later, as she’s lifted out of the prison, the same statue looks shocked and afraid. But we know that she’s bad. We don’t need to be told to be shocked and afraid by a big statue. Stop telling me what to feel, statue! This is typical of the film as a whole. Spooky fight scenes have comical sound effects and any brief emotional scene involving Nick is punctuated by a witty one-liner. I would have been happy with this in smaller doses, it works really well in Jurassic Park. In Jurassic Park we have lots of comical one-liners and witty banter from Jeff Goldblum in the early stages, but as the film darkens and characters start dying, Goldblum’s character is removed from the action and the gags are fewer and farther between. That doesn’t happen in this movie, we have jokes all the way through and a lot of them aren’t even funny. Especially this exchange: “You’re a good person Nick, I know that because you gave me the only parachute.” “I thought there was another one.” This doesn’t work for lots of reasons but it especially doesn’t work when it is referred back to as an emotional flashback in the final scene, sans punchline. The punchline of “I thought there was another one” is Nick’s way of brushing off this and indicating that actually he might just be an asshole through and through. You can’t use that compliment later on as proof that he’s a good person! You think you can do these things but you just can’t Nemo... sorry... I digress...

Gender. There’s a blonde female character who’s vaguely intellectual but actually clearly only there to roll her eyes at Nick and how he’s the worst. She earned her right to eye-rolling by having sex with him at some earlier point but now that’s all she’s allowed to do. She also provides the emotional core of the movie… What a shock, said no-one ever. Perhaps this is just because the last movie I saw that I loved this much was Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw which has Vanessa Kirby kicking ass and propelling the plot forward with sheer force of will, but I found the character of Jenny unnecessarily dull and cliche. She just screams a bunch to tell us about the threat that’s happening. In case we weren’t feeling threatened by the zombie mummies that are attacking her. But we were aware because we could see that happening. So… Thanks for trying, Jenny. Then there’s the Mummy herself. I swear no actress on the planet gets her talent squandered as frequently as Sofia Boutella. Equal parts terrifying and beautiful, Boutella is at her best when she gets to wreak havoc in Kingsman - but since then I’ve only ever seen her in limiting roles that don’t make the most of her delicate threat/allure balance. From almost bond-girl in Atomic Blonde to the-hit-woman-in-the-red-dress in Hotel Artemis (She’s a hitman = THREAT, but she’s in a red dress = ALLURE - delicate, subtle…), Boutella gets landed with characters that are tired stereotypes. Ahmamet is not much of an improvement. The parts of the film where the Mummy is less CGI and more makeup and physicality are really satisfying, allowing Boutella to be her spooky self. It’s disappointing that the mummy makes people into other mummies by kissing them, because of course the only way a woman can win a man over is by using her sexuality. FEMINISM. The Mummy could have pushed her much further, but if this movie proves anything it is that Sofia Boutella would have made a far better Enchantress than Cara Delavigne did in Suicide Squad.

This movie doesn’t know the difference between Zombies and Mummies. As soon as she wakes up, the titular Mummy starts snog-converting all of the locals into mummies who then become her lackeys. But they just look like zombies. She’s made zombies. They shamble around like zombies. We have the “Zombie on the car” sequence that I’ve seen before in zombie movies. These are zombies. I didn’t come here for zombies. I came here for mummies, the risen dead. Not zombies, the undead. The thing that’s really irritating about the snog-mummification sequence is that she turns all the living people into zombies even though it is later established that she can cause corpses to rise from the dead. So why is she bothering to turn all these alive people into zombies when she is in a graveyard. That’s so much extra effort. Has she never mapped a process? Has she not considered she may need to conserve her resources? Have you ever heard of RECYCLING? I mean she’s from ancient history so I guess not. Eventually, we do end up with a significant number of mummies because of some very heavily established buried knights (SO MUCH EXPOSITION), but those are fine. I’m just mad about all the zombies.

Tom Cruise. I regret to inform you that Tom Cruise is no-longer a bankable star. The Mission Impossible movies are a bankable franchise and that is a different thing. I am never tempted to go and see a movie because Tom Cruise is in it. I spent the last hour of this film listing actors who could have made this movie better. The list ended up with one name on it and that name was Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds’ typical cynicism in the face of a well-loved franchise might have resulted in a more consistent tone to the movie. We know from every other movie that he does that he can balance serious and silly in a way that keeps the audience laughing and crying. We know that he can make even the thinnest of storylines seem plausible. We know that he does well opposite another equally sarky character so the chemistry with Jake Johnson (one of the few commendable parts of this movie) would still work and maybe even be improved.

I loved Russell Crowe in this movie and there won’t be any more Dark Universe movies and it is all Tom Cruise’s fault. This point doesn’t need much expansion. Russell Crowe is just really fun as Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde and I loved every second of his performance. The structure of the movie is weird because it introduces him and then drops him almost immediately for about an hour, but he’s just great. I don’t normally love Russell Crowe in anything and this really won me over. I would have watched all the Dark Universe movies for Russell Crowe alone. My boyfriend pointed out, from only hearing his voice emanating from my laptop, that Russell Crowe in this movie sounded like he was voicing the big fat posh tuxedo cat that used to live near us. I loved it.

I didn’t know how many feelings I had about this movie until I started writing them down. I loved the idea and I felt like I was enjoying it but now that I look back there were so many problems. It’s like if I spent a few days knitting a scarf without looking at my work and then discovered that I’d dropped like half the stitches and it was just a mess. That’s how I felt.

I hope you can look past the many problems I have highlighted with this movie next time you need a wild, undead but also risen dead romp. In a lot of ways, The Mummy is just like Sofia Boutella’s characters in everything: both alluring and threatening at the same time.

#themummy #the mummy #tom cruise #movie review #mummy 2017 #sofia boutella #feelings #stop telling me how to feel statue

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worldsentwined · 7 years

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Weather, Wounds, Wire

For this week’s Synchronised Screaming Flash Fic Challenge. Prompt was: Any Prologue Norwegian - Barbed-wire Winter

Snow again, as always

coats the town in white shrouds

like sheets wrapped

over friends

and neighbors

and the people you couldn't stand.

Winter has ever been sharp,

but this year allows nothing else.

Icicles form

over barbed wire

and we wait.

At first, no one noticed when the world changed. They thought it was local, the closed road and the endless rain keeping them cut off from everyone else. Reports of an illness and closing borders were met with shrugs and complaints about day-old newspapers. Some few, more prone to worry than most, took the warnings seriously. They ferried in supplies and loved ones; they holed themselves up to wait. The good news they hoped for never came.

Sigrun had never thought of herself as a particularly hopeful person in the first place, though. Sure, she wasn't a worry-wart like Aksel, but when things went bad she didn't sit around assuming they'd get better. She grumbled along with the rest of them—no fresh supplies, electronics that worked less and less well as the weeks went on, rain that kept them all soggy—but she didn't go around saying things like 'it will all be better when spring comes.'

"Ugh, this snow! I can't wait for spring."

"It's only December, Aksel. It's going to get worse before it gets better."

Aksel shot her a sour look and pulled his collar closer around his neck. "Thanks, Sigrun. You sure know how to cheer a guy up."

Sigrun bent down and casually scooped up a fistful of snow. She passed it from hand to hand, not really looking at Aksel. "Yes, well. You know that's always been my goal, making you feel better. And think of it this way—it could be so much worse! Your grandmother could still be in her old apartment, slowly starving to death while her cat nibbles on her toes." They'd heard reports that food was scarce in the city, even worse than it was in Dalsnes. And of course, rumor spun that information into all kinds of horrifying scenarios, most of which Sigrun didn't believe. The same could not be said for Aksel.

"Sigrun! Don't say things like that! I'm so thankful she made it here safe, where the rash and the cannibals can't get to her." Aksel pressed his hands to his chest. "And she'll be even safer once the wall is finished."

Sigrun grimaced. That damn wall—of all the changes they'd had to make, that was the one that made her the craziest. Who were they trying to keep out? Dalsnes was isolated enough, especially with the road washed out, that no one would be stupid enough to approach on foot. The ban on water travel had come through just before the radios malfunctioned, so they hadn't seen a boat for weeks. But no matter how unnecessary it was, the people in charge were paranoid enough to add more safety precautions.

"I still say it's a dumb idea," she said. "It's just going to make it harder to get food, if the hunters have to go through some kind of checkpoint every time they leave."

"Yeah, but...isn't it better to be safe than sorry? I heard the rash doesn't just make people sick, they've started seeing it in animals, too."

Sigrun stopped, snow clutched in the curve of her red-mittened hands. "Really? Like plague rats? I don't believe it."

"Well then, you can be the one to test it out. I'll do my best to avoid being bitten, thanks."

Right. That was enough of the gloom-and-doom talk. Sigrun pushed past Aksel, dropping her snowball down the neck of his jacket as she did so. His shouts followed her all the way home.

Sun spreads red

across the roofs,

morning

tinting the town.

Mourning

shades every face

except for those

whose minds

are no longer their own.

The barrier fence was halfway complete when the first attack came. Three people dead, two wounded. Four more possibly infected, held in quarantine and made to tend the injured. From what little they'd gleaned from news reports—when news of the outside world still came in—it would be two weeks before they knew for sure.

"Do you...do you want to talk about it?" Aksel asked, sitting down next to her. Sigrun shook her head. Blood had started to seep through the bandage on her hand again; she’d have to change it soon. It wasn't even a scratch or a bite from one of those twisted creatures; that would at least have been interesting. No, she'd managed to catch herself on the damned barbed wire.

"Are you going to gloat a little? Rub my face in it?" She regretted the words as soon as they left her lips. Aksel looked wounded.

"Why would I do that? You’re hurt, that’s awful!” He picked up a fresh roll of bandage and took her hand. “I’m just glad you weren’t anywhere near the area of the attack, or they’d probably have quarantined you, too.” He unwrapped the dirty bandage carefully, as though her hand might break if he didn’t.

Sigrun glared at him. “Yeah, but then I’d know. Waiting like this is the worst, because even when this heals I won’t know if I’m immune to the rash. I’ll always be looking over my shoulder for the next attack. How am I supposed to live like that?”

Aksel shook his head. "How else are we supposed to live now? All we can do is wait. Maybe the rash will die down."

"Or maybe we'll die," Sigrun muttered, "Go crazy hiding behind walls that we hope will protect us." She'd heard the stories. She knew the rash made people lose themselves, slowly dwindling into something less. If the cut on her hand had come from an infected animal instead of a wire, that could have been her.

"Sigrun—"

"I think I want to be left alone for a while," she said. "Thanks for redoing my bandage." She looked away.

Aksel stood, sighing heavily. "All right. You know where to find me if you...if you need anything." He squeezed her shoulder and departed.

Sigrun sat for a long time staring into the fire, trying not to look at her hand. Trying, and failing, to think of anything other than the people in quarantine on the other side of town.

Quiet dark

creeps under our skin

into bones

and veins

and souls.

We await

our sentence:

transformation

or release

nothing in between.

We wait

for spring.

They finished the fence, but that only kept them safe to a certain extent. Some people had to leave the walls, to guard and to hunt and to salvage whatever they could from abandoned buildings. And beyond the walls, there was no guarantee of safety.

"Aksel."

He didn't respond, just curled more tightly under his blanket. Sigrun sat on the edge of the bed.

"Aksel, come talk to me."

"Go away."

She rolled her eyes, grasped the edge of the blanket, and yanked. Aksel yelped and sat up to glare at her.

"Hey!" He reached for the blanket, but Sigrun held it away. "Not until you let me check your injury. You're not allowed to die in quarantine if you don't actually have the rash." Her own wound was shallow; easy enough to check it herself. The one on the back of Aksel's leg was more worrying.

"Fine." He rolled up his pant leg and turned his back so she could see it. "This doesn't get any less awkward, does it?"

Sigrun undid the bandage and cleaned the wound, keeping an eye out for signs of infection. For signs of any kind of infection. They were a week into quarantine, and so far neither of them showed any symptoms of the rash, but they still had a week to go.

"Looks okay," she said eventually, carefully securing the new bandage. She gave him a reassuring slap, which made him jump and glare at her again.

"Sigrun!" His face burned nearly as red as his hair, and he hurried to adjust his clothes.

"What?" She feigned innocence. "I can't give you a 'congratulations, your wound isn't septic' pat?"

Aksel reclaimed his blanket and wrapped himself in it. "Is that what that was? I thought it was a 'hey, I felt like slapping your ass' pat. It's hard to tell the difference with you." He lay down again, but this time he stayed facing her.

Sigrun watched him for a minute. Thought about going back to her own bed in the other room, where the woman in the neighboring bed wouldn't stop crying. Her partner had shown signs of the rash that morning, and had been taken away to a different part of quarantine. They all did their best not to think about that part.

In the spirit of not thinking about things, Sigrun barely hesitated before joining Aksel on the bed. "Gimme some blanket," she said.

"What are you doing now?" He grumbled. He made no move to stop her though, even when she wormed her way under the blanket and poked his shins with her cold toes. She tucked herself against his chest and wrapped an arm around him.

"The way I see it," she said, "We're stuck in here until we find out if we're dead or alive. Might as well keep each other company. It's warmer with two, anyway."

And it made it easier to avoid thinking of their predicament when she could focus on other things. Aksel's breathing, instead of the scratch on her arm that might have killed her. The beating of his heart, rather than the howling winds and monsters in the dark. The warmth of his skin: normal, healthy, human warmth. Not the burn of fever. None of that yet, and maybe, if they were lucky, it would never come.

Aksel must have felt the same, because he didn't bother arguing. He draped his arm over her, let her share his warmth and his space. They waited.

Snow turns to

slush turns to

ice turns to

water.

Winter turns

to spring.

Sigrun shouldered her rifle and kept her eyes on the trees, doing her best to listen for anything unusual. It was hard, what with the noise the repair crew was making. She didn't envy them their task. Reinforcing the fence, mending the hole where an attack had gotten through, was hard enough; the added challenges of mud and half-melted ice made it all worse. Guard duty was far preferable, in her opinion. It was just as well she was immune, and could stand outside the barrier with minimal risk. An infected creature could still kill her, but the rash couldn't.

Aksel came to stand beside her, juggling his gun and a flask. “Tea?” He asked, offering the latter to Sigrun. She took it from him with a nod.

“Sure, if only to keep you from dropping it. Get your gun in position, you’re going to shoot something on accident.” She took a swig; the hot beverage warmed her all the way down to her toes.

“Sorry,” he said, hastily adjusting his grip. “I just thought you might want a hot drink. It’s still a little chilly, even with the thaw.”

“Yeah.” Sigrun knew how fickle spring could be; they weren’t out of the woods yet. And they didn’t know what new dangers might come with warmer weather, either. But with longer sunlit hours every day, it was safe to say that winter was starting to relax its grip. They’d made it through in spite of everything. Maybe they’d make it through the next winter, too.

#my writing #flash fiction #stand still stay silent #synchronised screaming #sigrun larsen #aksel eide #poetry

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