funny wife, happy life
carlos sainz x wife!reader
summary - the grids beloved couple have begun a prank war, subjecting the drivers and fans to their hilarious antics
masterlist
request by anonnie :) thank you love! - hey you could write about carlos that he and Y/N his wife that they are the funniest couple in the paddock that Y/N has the same personality as carlos that they often play pranks on each other on tiktok
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your knees were cramping, on the verge of giving out, as you held your hidden position in your husband’s drivers room. charles had told you he’d be back in a few minutes. a few minutes. ha! you’ve been sitting here for ages and you’re about to collapse. until finally you hear the sweet, sweet sounds of your husband's laugh approaching you quickly. you give a quick scramble to collect yourself and pull up your tik tok account in order to record the heart attack soon to be inflicted upon carlos. the door handle jiggles and opens, alerting you of his presence. his footsteps become closer to your hidden position behind a few large items and abruptly stop. you take it as your queue to jump but before you can-
“BOO!” your husband screeches at you with his phone in your face as you let out a mirroring yell and fall backwards on your ass.
“AYE DIOS MIO!” you hold your hand over your racing heart and carlos crumples to the floor in a fit of hysterics. you can’t help but join in soon, but not without playfully swatting at him in a joking matter of pretending to be angry.
“mi-mi amor,” carlos tries his hardest to get out in between laughs as he begins to sit up, “you’re too easy!” he falls again, most likely due him replaying the scenario again in his head.
“aye! easy? i believe i remember you begging for a date with me, señor,” you continue to chuckle at his phrasing, teasing him relentlessly felt like a duty to you.
“whatever,” he brushes off the playful comment and turns his attention to the video he recorded of you on his phone, “y/n, this is too funny,”
“si, bueno. i wish i got that video of you instead, though” you act out a solemn expression and carlos sees right through your jokes.
“well you didn’t, loser. i’m posting this,”
-
you and carlos had opted for a night in after the race due to his fatigue and your absolute need for a shower. after lando had pleaded with you both for a minute to rethink your decision as you were walking back to the hotel, he ultimately gave up trying and muttered a slight ‘old married couple’ at you and carlos while the both of you just laughed at his mini tantrum.
once inside your hotel room, carlos headed for the shower, but stopped and turned when he noticed you weren’t following.
“i thought you wanted to shower, amor?” he asked in your direction.
“i do, but i kind of want to shower alone tonight, lo siento,” you respond while biting your lower lip to not give away your amusement. see - you had a plan. while carlos was in the shower you were going to get to the vanity and paint on a fake hickey. set up your phone. and get him back for ruining your prank earlier.
carlos stands looking at you with a bit of skepticism. you rarely shower separately, only when upset with each other and he was beginning to worry, “aye, are you mad about earlier? me scaring you?”
“love, the only thing that is scaring me right now is how stinky you are. i’m not mad i just don’t need a smelly shower with you,” you shrug off his accusation with a laugh in order to lighten the mood and your husband catches on, chuckling with you.
“okay, you don’t need to tell me twice,” he begins to make his way over to you with his arms out wide, “you do want a stinky hug before i hop in, no?” calling your bluff he tries to latch his arms around you as you scream and try to run away.
“sto-stop!” you giggle as he grabs you in his arms, “eww! carlos!” the whine slips from your lips as he starts planting kisses all over your neck and face, tickling you causing you to let out more laughter. his grip loosens and he backs away towards the bathroom, grabbing his change of clothes off the dresser as he does so. one arm raised and a finger pointed at you he lets go of a very loose warning, “this isn’t over, cariño,”
“oh no!” you gasp in dramatics, “the tickle monster! what am i five?” carlos just laughs and releases a ‘loca’ under his breath as he shuts the bathroom door and turns on the shower. you then quickly get to work with your makeup, planting the perfect looking hickey in a place he hasn’t seen all day, but will very soon. once it was done, you discreetly hide your phone and patiently wait on the bed for carlos to leave the bathroom.
fresh out of the shower, your husband steps into your room with just a pair of sweatpants on as he continues to run the towel over his damp hair. you take that as your sign to begin your prank and tie your hair up into a bun - giving carlos the perfect view of your neck. walking over to him, you plant a kiss on his lips and step back from him as he turns his attention towards his wife. looking you up and down for a second, making eye contact with the hickey, you feign confusion and innocence by proceeding to ask, “que, mi amor? is there something on my face?” you attempt to turn and ‘check’ yourself in the mirror, but carlos pulls on your arm, spinning you around to face back at him. he quickly discards the towel in his hand, throwing it to the floor, as he looks closer at your neck.
“did you hurt yourself, cariño?” he asks softly, “maybe with one of your hair tools or something,” he finishes as if he’s almost assuring himself.
“no? what is this carlos?” you question, trying your damnedest not to let out a smile.
“tienes algo en el cuello,” you have something on your neck uh oh. carlos only spoke direct spanish with you when he was deep in a feeling - lust, happiness, anger. “parece un…” it looks like a…
“que?” you ask softly.
“a hickey, y/n. it looks like a hickey. y sé muy bien que no fui yo quien te dio esto,” and i know very well it was not me that gave you this
“oh, oh that? ya, um, actually that might be from my curling iron, you were right!” responding lightly only made carlos narrow his eyes at you further.
“y/n, qué hice mal,” what did i do wrong?
“oh no, carlos, baby, nothing- you did nothing wrong,” you panic at his sadness and hold his face in your hands, “it’s just a prank, los, te lo prometo,” i promise you
he looks down at you, widening his eyes in hope before he says anything, then you hear - so quietly you almost miss it, ‘take it off’.
“i will, i will baby. come here, come with me,” you lead him into the bathroom, grabbing your makeup wipes in haste and rubbing the fake hickey right off your neck. you hear your husband let out a long and deep exhale before he gives your sides a squeeze.
“you just took ten years off my life with that stress, amor,”
“lo siento, carlos. i’ll even show you the video where i put it on if that makes you feel better,” you turn around in his hold and give him not one, not two, but three quick pecks to the lips as you drag him back into the room to retrieve your phone. as of that moment, carlos begins plotting his revenge.
-
the next week, your husband and you arrive early at the paddock for race day due to his necessary media duties. with your hands intertwined, you begin making your way to the ferrari garage - passing a few reporters and fans on the way. while making your way, a few fans had called out to the both of you. carlos always joked that his fans loved you more than him, but every joke has a bit of truth to it.
“y/n! carlos! over here! can we get a picture?”
your husband - ever the gentleman - turns his attention to the young group of girls at the barricade and leads you both over to them. once carlos had signed a few things and taken a few pictures, you both turn to leave but are prevented by the girls.
“y/n! can we get a picture with you too!” carlos checks you over, asking you non-verbally if you’re okay with it and you slightly nod in his direction to signify the answer. bending down and over slightly, the girls grab a few selfies with you and speak to you about their love for your tik toks, tweets, and overall personality. with your light ego boost, you turn and chuckle to your husband.
“isn’t it great that your fans love me more?” you give him a sly smile and a poke to his stomach as he laughs along with you.
“aye, they’re just saying that to make you feel better, amor,” he shoots back quickly.
“nuh-uh,” you scoff back, “they love me so much more, i think i better be the one to race today,” at this point the girls are recording your interaction while giggling at the banter your husband and you have provided.
“in your dreams, cariño,” he bites back with a smile.
with that comment, you whip around to face the group, “do you hear how he speaks to me? my own husband! he hates me!” you sigh dramatically as carlos pulls you into his arms. the crowd before you erupts in laughter at your antics and your husband bids polite goodbyes, leading you away. you’re both leaving in cackles as you continue to jab each other back and forth.
as you round the corner to the ferrari garage, you both run into fernando walking towards aston martin.
“hola, nando!” you call out with a wave. he stops curtly and leans in your direction, arms parting for a hug. you receive it kindly, swaying lightly back and forth all while exchanging pleasantries.
“aye, he oído felicitaciones están en orden,” i hear congratulations are in order fernando presses with a smile.
“porque felicitaciones?” why congratulations? you ask back to him.
“oh! lo siento, ¿se supone que nadie debe saberlo?” i’m sorry, is no one supposed to know?
your confusion ends when you turn to your now - dying laughing - husband at your left, “¿le dijiste a todo el mundo que estaba embarazada?” did you tell everyone i was pregnant?
carlos can’t even shake out words at this point due to laughter as he just begins to vigorously nod his head yes. fernando takes this as his sign to head back in his previous direction, chuckling under his breath something about ‘these damn kids again’.
“you’re dead, carlos sainz,” you state matter-of-factly at him.
“i’m sorry, me or my fathe-”
“YOU KNOW WHO!” you yell back, cutting off his smart ass comment, “does the whole grid really think im fucking pregnant, you ass?” this time carlos’ laughter is cut short and he just slowly shakes his head yes, nervousness now overwhelming his features instead of amusement.
“do you now realize how stupid that was?” you ask him again. again he slowly nods his head yes, his eyes only meeting his shoes. out of your peripheral, you can see lando approaching the both of you and he holds out his arms in glee.
“there are my favorite soon-to-be parent-”
“SHUT IT!” you snap in his direction, “the only child i will be raising for the foreseeable future is the one in front of me,” you nod your head towards carlos, and his eyes - again - never leave his shoes. lando begins to laugh even louder than your husband did before at his friend being scolded like a child.
“oh i am so tweeting about this,” he lets out between laughs.
you take a glance over at your husband and whisper a light ‘karma’ into his ear before you kiss his cheek and head off to find his family in the garage.
-
after the race, carlos is doing interviews and you are searching to find him. not being in the media pen, but instead just along the gates talking to reporters, you easily walk up to your husband and wait over to the side for him to finish. the reporter speaking to him notices your presence and begins to wave you over. you shake it off quickly, wanting your husband to have his shining moment, but instead he also joins in waving you over - causing you to reluctantly head in their direction.
“hi!” you squeak out to the reporter, carlos pulling you into his side and wrapping an arm around your shoulder.
“hi, y/n! thank you for joining us for the interview!” the young woman starts.
“thank you for letting me crash!” you reply back with a giggle.
“not crashing, you’re here by invitation,” your husband speaks up, kissing your forehead after doing so.
“i’m sorry if we were too forward to invite you,” the reporter chimes in fast.
“no, no!” you assure back, “i just didn’t want to outshine ‘ole carlos over here, you know how it is,” you joke, giving the reporter and your husband a laugh.
“for sure,” the young woman gives you, “we love you two as a couple, you both have been informally deemed the grids funniest couple with all your banter and tik tok pranks, how do you both feel about that title?”
“it’s a heavy weight to carry,” you dramatically sigh, “i have to keep the people on their toes and give them what they want,” the reporter laughs once again at your comments as you shrug before your husband chimes in, “funny wife, happy life - right?” you all share one more laugh before the reporter lets you two depart.
as you’re walking out of the paddock, hand in hand, you reach up on your toes to plant a kiss to carlos’ lips. he hums back in approval, stopping you, with his hold moving to your waist and pressing deeper. you smile into the kiss and can feel him doing the same. once pulling apart, your husband stares into your eyes, the contact moving from eye to eye to lips. you almost crumble watching him shamelessly adore you.
“what are you thinking about, amor?” you gently ask, attempting not to ruin the soft moment with loud diction.
“just how much i love you, cariño,” his reply is simple, yet means so much. even though you both are playful with your antics and pranks, your love is something that never falters with seriousness. and you wouldn’t trade it for the world.
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a spoonful of sugar part two | oscar piastri social media au
pairing: oscar piastri x fem chef!reader
cheffing it up all over the calendar, here we go again
PART ONE | MASTERLIST | TIP JAR | MY SMALL BUSINESS
yourusername
liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri and 201,844 others
tagged: oscarpiastri
yourusername: we're in JAPAN 🇯🇵 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!! yeah suzuka is cool and all but more importantly - SUSHI TIME and my oh my that spread is glorious if i do say so myself
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user1: oscar babygirlism is so real
landonorris: HOW DARE YOU GUYS INVITE ME OVER FOR DINNER AND SERVE THAT
yourusername: boo fucking hoo, i've had enough of your whining buddy
landonorris: OSCAR STOP HER SHE'S BEING MEAN
oscarpiastri: i mean i would take the home-cooked meal from the professional chef but that's just me
landonorris: stop shaming me :( i can't help it :(
yourusername: okay stop being dramatic, you can comeback from your hiding place i made chicken sushi as well
landonorris: oh thank you 😊
oscarpiastri: when i came in as the YOUNGER teammate, i didn't think y/n and i would be babysitting you
landonorris: you guys love me really
user2: i think y/n might have the patience of a saint
user3: i think i would die happy if i got a sushi spread from y/n
yukitsunoda0511: personally offended i was not invited :(
yourusername: nooooooooooo yukiii :((((( - i'll bring left overs ?
yukitsunoda0511: yes please (i'm much nicer than lando)
landonorris: when will the slander end?
oscarpiastri: i'm personally offended that any time y/n is visiting ME she ends up cooking and looking after all of you :(
yourusername: i love you the most though
oscarpiastri: hehehehehehe
user4: this relationship is so precious to me actually
oscarpiastri
liked by logansargeant, landonorris and 1,094,558 others
tagged: landonorris & yourusername
oscarpiastri: over the moon to get my first podium in f1 in my rookie season. p.s. get yourself a girlfriend that gives you a candy bouquet to celebrate your podium
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user5: oscodium i know that's right
mclarenf1: we don't think that's in your meal plan, but we'll let it slide for just this once
yourusername: damn right you will 🔫🔫🔫
oscarpiastri: okay no threatening my team on a post about my podium
yourusername: i guess they're fine (FOR NOW) (the next time i see team orders it's on sight)
mclarenf1: ... does this mean no more pasta parties? :(
yourusername: get my boy his first win and pasta for life for all of you
user6: the way y/n and oscar's mum both fell into each other when oscar crossed the finish line
user7: they're so real for that
user8: y/n is REAL wag representation, i too would go FUCKING mental if my boyf got a podium i would also be spraying champagne all over the garage and crying my eyes out
yourusername: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU
oscarpiastri: I LOVE YOU MORE, THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS SUPPORTING ME - and looking after my mum after you caused a stampede in the garage
yourusername: hold on nicole is just as crazy as me
oscarpiastri: my two favourite women EVA
user9: when you're besties with your boyf's mum >>
landonorris: congrats oscahhhhhhh - how does one procure one of these bouquets?
oscarpiastri: hands off pal 🤨
landonorris: i just want CANDY STOP ACCUSING ME OF STUFF
yourusername: oh so now you want my food ....
landonorris: why are you ganging up on me ??? I'M JUST A CHILD ???
user10: i love watching oscar and y/n ganging up on lando
logansargeant
liked by oscarpiastri, yourusername and 309,788 others
tagged: yourusername & oscarpiastri
logansargeant: category is: thirdwheeling - the food is a definite plus
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user12: the real best trio in f1 ... sorry 2019 rookies
alexalbon: logie bear beating the unseasoned allegations... i am impressed
logansargeant: i am cultured?
yourusername: logan had no choice, he was eating what i made him
logansargeant: but i liked it!
yourusername: you did, i'm a proud mother
alexalbon: what are the chances of me and james getting some of the y/n food, we deserve it more than mclaren
yourusername: name the price...
user13: i love how oscar and y/n have collected so many drivers this season despite being the youngest
oscarpiastri: not even finished my first season and we've accumulated so many "children"
logansargeant: don't have a gf who is such a good chef if you didn't want to babysit me
yourusername: we can't help it we're mOTHER
oscarpiastri: 💅
charles_leclerc: @oscarpiastri did our post podium dinner in aus mean nothing? you're neglecting your 26 year old child
maxverstappen1: classic treatment of the eldest girl 😔
yourusername: you guys done being dramatic?
charles_leclerc: one second
charles_leclerc: YOU'RE JUST THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE, PICK ME UP AND DROP ME - USERS !!!!
charles_leclerc: okay done :)
oscarpiastri: ok... idk what the fuck is going on here
maxverstappen1: we want food [bangs cutlery on imaginary table]
user14: oscar going from being the shy one on the grid to wrangling charles and max is killing me
user15: him and y/n have the grid wrapped around their finger
yourusername
liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris and 730,844 others
tagged: oscarpiastri
yourusername: this is everything you have ever deserved
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user18: i am going to throw myself on the track and let oscar run me over and put me out of my misery
oscarpiastri: i love you so much, couldn't do it without your support
yourusername: NUH UH you're SUPER DUPER AMAZINGLY FAST and i am lucky to be here to witness you :)
oscarpiastri: okay.... but no more passing out in the garage
yourusername: i'm just a girl 🎀
oscarpiastri: my girl x
yourusername: YOUR GIRL (i've seen the tiktok edits BACK OFF)
user19: the way the other team members and teams let them have their moment was so cute
user20: zak brown pushing her to the front to be able to see him on the podium... maybe i don't hate him as much as i thought
user21: her taking ten billion photos while crying her eyes out was so cute
yourusername: they're all blurry 🧍🏻♂️
maxverstappen1: i guess you're the only one i'll tolerate outshining my championship win... congrats oscar!
oscarpiastri: thank you max :) also thank you to gp for giving y/n an ice pack
yourusername: gp got his name on a piece of cake
maxverstappen1: what about my cake?
yourusername: i guess i can spare another slice for you
oscarpiastri: we can give you a whole cake tomorrow if you let me win tomorrow?
maxverstappen1: nice try dude
yourusername: you haven't tried it yet
oscarpiastri: it's laced with crack (literally, DQ coming fast)
maxverstappen1: ????
yourusername: we jest
oscarpiastri: or do we?
user22: is gp another person they've collected?
oscarpiastri
liked by landonorris, logansargeant and 1,094,873 others
tagged: yourusername
oscarpiastri: no one else i'd rather celebrate with
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user23: they don't know it yet but they're actually my parents
user24: yeah, yeah oscar won a race woo BUT MAMA DROP THE RECIPE FOR THE THIRD SLIDE LOOKS LIKE IT BANGS
yourusername: i'm so unbelievably proud of you oscar, crying in the club right now
oscarpiastri: i didn't know the shower was also called the club (i can hear you crying and though i'm grateful you are this happy for me, it's getting slightly concerning)
yourusername: i just can't contain my excitement for you and it's turned into tears HAPPY TEARS
oscarpiastri: my mum can hear it from her room as well
yourusername: can't believe i'm being shamed like this
landonorris: will you cry this much for my first win
yourusername: nope, actively praying against it
landonorris: WHAT ??? OSCAR STOP HER SHE'S BEEN TOO MEAN THIS TIME
yourusername: i only want oscar to win every race from now until he retires soz buddy
oscarpiastri: idk that sounds like a good deal to me lando
landonorris: @yourusername i hope you drown in your tears
user25: well that escalated
danielricciardo: proud of you baby aussie !!! how can we get some aussie bbq in the paddock as celebration @yourusername 🤭
yourusername: someone get me a grill asap
danielricciardo: okay max it's time to stop being selfish, let oscar win another race so we can get more bbq i'm homesick
maxverstappen1: that's cute and all but FUCK THEM KIDS
yourusername: well no bbq for you then
maxverstappen1: you and oscar love me really
oscarpiastri: ???
user26: the way y/n tussles with these men kills me
user27: at this point get her a microphone and get her on that grid walk
mclarenf1
liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc and 1,024,550 others
tagged: oscarpiastri, landonorris & yourusername
mclarenf1: y/n delivered the pasta party she promised (admin is now in a food coma no more posts for the rest of the day)
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user28: the way we all thought this was a joke... i am now unwell
user29: dead ass the cutest thing i've ever seen
yourusername: thank you for having me besties, thank you for giving oscar a fast car and i hope you all actually make your flights in your pasta-induced naps
mclarenf1: that carbonara has me snoozing up a storm
oscarpiastri: (we nearly missed our flight)
landonorris: worth it, that pasta banged
yourusername: why thank you everyone i am blushing
yourusername: but real talk when does all this pasta translate into team orders in oscar's favour
mclarenf1: i don't think that's in my job description
landonorris: ...
oscarpiastri: well....
yourusername: you're making me look like a bad person 😭 i just want oscar to have the best possible time ever
oscarpiastri: i love you <3
landonorris: ugh... i guess that's cute
user30: i have never been more jealous ever in my life and it's over PASTA
georgerussell63: i am mobilising the GDPA against this. it's either pasta for ALL of us or NONE of us
yourusername: bring back seb you big wet wipe
georgerussell63: EXCUSE YOU!
charles_leclerc: i am an honourary italian and i am quite frankly offended i was not at least offered the left overs
oscarpiastri: but this was my special pasta party for my sprint win :(
georgerussell63: don't try and use that very cute and wholesome excuse with me mister, we have been robbed of pasta
yourusername: you queens are so dramatic i can't
user31: this sport is so unserious, they wouldn't protest over the conditions this weekend but pasta is where they draw the line 😭
yourusername
liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris and 621,945 others
tagged: oscarpiastri
yourusername: if you're at COTA come on down to my bbq station it's mr america (@logansargeant) approved
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user33: miss ma'am is really raising the bar for all wags at this point
user34: who else is doing up masterchef at the track
logansargeant: i can confirm it is very good
yourusername: i knew there was a reason we love you logie bear
logansargeant: the ribs were so good you should honestly get an american passport
user35: guys i went and omg IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD + y/n was so fucking nice and said all proceeds are going to helping disadvantaged children get into karting
user36: my heart is so full i love them
maxverstappen1: slowing me down by making me have bbq i see how it is
yourusername: no one forced you to eat it buddy
maxverstappen1: well it's steak and mac and cheese ur dumb if you think i'm NOT fucking it up
yourusername: you got me there
danielricciardo: that was scrummy
charles_leclerc: petition for this to be here every week
georgerussell63: this just makes me more angry about missing out on pasta
user37: oscar is so much stronger than me cause if i had y/n i'd be asking for an absolute feast all of the time and would not stick to my meal plan
oscarpiastri: my favourite person doing her favourite thing <3
yourusername: you're my favourite thing
landonorris: keep that to yourself
yourusername: i can't love my bf now?
landonorris: that man is a child keep it PG
oscarpiastri: you made it not PG
yourusername: stop forcing your agenda on us lando
landonorris: i can't win with you people
oscarpiastri
liked by logansargeant, yourusername and 803,884 others
tagged: yourusername
oscarpiastri: first season done. proud. ready to eat like a king
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user38: i don't think i've ever barked in response to a picture of food
landonorris: where's mineeeeee :((((((((
oscarpiastri: season is over mate. y/n is back to being mine and mine only, we're hibernating in aus
landonorris: selfish
yourusername: let us eat our sushi in peace this off season
user39: oscar ready to keep y/n to himself what a king
oscarpiastri: tired of sharing my gf :( i know she's the bestest ever but still i was getting separation anxiety when she was stolen to make food for george
georgerussell63: no regrets
yourusername: you were always a king, but i'm ready to treat you like royalty
oscarpiastri: right back at you, queen
yourusername: all the food WE want all off season
maxverstappen1: okay guys we can hear you
charles_leclerc: this is no way to talk about your 27 year old children honestly
landonorris: i'm calling childline actually
yourusername: feel free girl, kiss my ass cause you won't see it for months
landonorris: GASP!
oscarpiastri: that's been brewing, stop asking y/n to make you chicken dippers bro
landonorris: :(
yourusername: regardless of all the tomfoolery and the stray cats (drivers) we've picked up, i'm so proud of you oscar - here's to an even better year next year
oscarpiastri: thank you, my love. couldn't do it without you. i love you.
yourusername: i love you too osc
fin.
note: heyyy?? yeah i've kinda gone missing in action. i am working on the last two WIPs but i am so busy and my writers block is so bad i had to revisit an old fave lol. hope yall enjoy !
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DPXDC: I wanna be like most girls ghosts.
or Danny: What should I do to make my mom happy?
or ~Danny deserves a little teenage rebellion as a treat~
Maddie: I just want this damned Phantom to stop pretending to be a hero! All ghosts are pure evil, who is he trying to deceive?
Danny: Oh, really?
And Danny took it personally.
It’s not Danny’s fault that he’s a good kid and wants to make his parents happy. But why would he have to be a monster to make them happy? Why must they hate him to be happy?
Danny’s obsession was going crazy.
Well, when your own parents call you a monster in the face, it hurts. Why do they always believe that only their opinion is the absolute truth? They have no idea how much worse things would be if at least some of the ghosts really behaved the way Maddie and Jack think they’re supposed to.
If he really is evil by nature, is there any point in fighting his own fate? They want to see him as a villain, he will become one. He will. He just needs a little help and practice. And not bring it to the level when Clockwork has to clean up his mess. Poor guy is without a vacation for how long? Couple of millennia?
Johnny 13: Sup.
Danny: F*ck off, Johnny, I’m not in the mood. Busy thinking about world domination. Get out of here or I’ll call Kitty.
Johnny 13: What’s wrong? You’re usually so grouchy only towards the end of the week.
Danny: Nothing. Just parents. Again. They are wonderful but I can’t help but feel sometimes that they, em…
Johnny 13: Suck?
Danny: Right…Damn. I’m a terrible son. Maybe something is wrong with me.
Johnny 13: What? No, no, dude. You’re just growing up. And you’re a little late, usually teenagers go through that stage before they graduate. Well, you’ve probably been busy with other issues, so just missed it.
Danny: I wonder whose fault it is. Aren’t there ghosts who enjoyed to ruin my life in the middle of school day?
Johnny 13: Oh, bother. Anyway, you’re entering a beautiful time of emancipation, where you’re going to shape your own view of life and, along the way, to get drunk on cheap alcohol at parties, maybe to go to jail and to become the greatest disappointment to your family..And then you will be ashamed to remember it for about the next ten years.
Danny: Well, it looks like I’ve already done two out of three additional things. Great success.
Johnny 13: When did you get drunk?
Danny: I didn’t.
Johnny 13: Oh. Want to fix that?
Danny: What? No. What an idiot wants to add a headache to his problems?
Johnny 13: Well, your loss, then I’ll go terrorize the bars of Gotham alone and no one can stop me. Let’s see what your boyfriend will say about it.
~~~~~
Danny: Bartender, another shot of Dead Man’s Fingers, please.
Red Hood: Babe, haven’t you had enough?
Danny: Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try, no matter how many sacrifices you make, in their eyes you’ll always be nothing more than a monster? Nothing more than a mistake? Oh, Death doesn’t give people like me a break.
Red Hood: …I’ll have what he’s having. *gives the bartender a sign to switch the rum shots to a batburger milkshake for them, and starts talking to Danny so that he doesn’t understand Hood's scams*
~~~~~
Johnny 13: Other people’s kids are growing up so fast. It seems like yesterday he didn’t know how to shoot ectoblast, and now..
Kitty: Stop trying to make me feel bad, we’re leaving.
Johnny 13: But the boy needs our support, honey boo!
~~~~~
Danny: I'm fine. Really, I am. This isn’t the first time mom’s called me a monster. She often called me that when she was upset with my behavior in my childhood. Huh, it's even funny.
Jason: There’s nothing funny about that.
Danny: No, you don’t understand. Looking back, I was really a very active child and didn’t know when to stop. Not surprisingly that I often annoyed my parents. They’re very busy people, and Jazz couldn’t always keep an eye on me. And I was often afraid to go to sleep alone because there were shadows in the darkness of my room. Well, I used to think they were. But I pretended everything was okay to not distract parents from work.
Jason: Hey, it’s not your fault. You were a child. Obviously, kiddo requires a lot of attention, they must have understood that. You are the second child in the family, right?
Danny: Well, Jazz was different. I don’t know. Anyway, I thought if the monsters behind the curtain and under the bed were just like me, well, according to my mom, you know, then they wouldn’t want to hurt me. And since they look after me, they are friends. So I kinda greeted all the suspicious noises and howls. Huh, I was a strange kid.
Jason: If you smile at someone in the dark alley right now that someone is more likely to wet themselves or faint.
Danny: Rude! I’m not that scary. Admit that I’m adorable. Do it right now.
Jason: Stunning, darling. But still carry a gun and a knife, please. My childhood taught me that what's hiding in the dark is worth beating up.
Danny: Come on, what should I be afraid of? Death? Anyway, I want to try this shit. Like, the inevitable one. Being a bad boy, you know?
Hood *raises eyebrows*.
Danny: Oh damn it man, I'm talking about ghostliness. I want to try to be like most of dead ones. I want to unleash my side of the trickster and the villain. But only a little bit. I have to be supervised so that things don't go too far. Would you help me, honey?
~~~~~2 hours later~~~~
~~~~~
Goons used to expect a lot of weirdness from working with the boss.
Sometimes Bruce Wayne would go into their base and yell at the Red Hood like he's one of his kids. Of course Wayne's well-known as 'Gotta adopt them all' but the guy must really suffer from insomnia to count the Red Hood into his brood of chicks several times. Sometimes the boss would fight Robin or Nightwing over differences in morals…or for biscuits. It varied from moment to moment. Sometimes the boss caught the local street children, fed them and taught them to steal correctly. And most of the foundlings stayed with them under their protection.
To make a long story short, Red Hood is not the typical crime lord that some of them had to deal with before. Which is a blessing. Thanks Lord for the health insurance. But still the crime lord. Which means he's still scary, and sometimes deadly.
Anyway, when the boss brought in a guy who looked more civilian than any civilian in the whole Gotham and said he was going to be their intern, they thought it was a joke at first. Despite the fact that Hood was not in the habit of joking while working.
The teenager was too well-mannered and sweet to come from Crime Alley.
Phil thought the guy was gonna run when he saw the first murder, Jessica didn’t think the domestic boy wouldn’t chicken out at the sight of a fight.
But arguing with a boss’s orders in their profession is like asking for a bullet in the head, so these conversations were taking place outside of their boss's sight. God, how can they teach him anything? What do you take from a boy who’s only good to do the coffee run? Fenton will fall if they’ll give him something heavier than 10 pounds. And then boss will yell at them because he treats the new guy like a princess on a pea.
Well, at least that’s what they thought until the boss decided to give the new guy his own assignments:
~~~~~
Red Hood: So, what have you learned during your internship, my young Padawan?
Danny: Well, it looks like I’m gonna suck at being a criminal mastermind. I think I may have to find myself some other profession.
Red Hood: Come on, you just need a little more practice.
Danny: Thank you but I don’t think that’s fit my obsession that good. Don't misunderstand me, I wanna be like most ghosts. But I was wrong to go to hit that goal only base on human stereotypes about my nature.
Red Hood: What a pity. The newbies just learned not to flinch when you walk in. But, to be honest, I'm not gonna miss the adrenaline-boosting roller coaster of you at work.
Danny: Oh, and I guess to hold on to the concept of humanity was really stupid too. I clearly no longer fit in and I’m finally ready to accept that. So, hopefully, if you get into trouble, you can rely on my ghostliness and call for help. I am the spirit of many talents and of my word. I can haunt your enemies or walk through the walls of Arkham Asylum. Whatever you need, I’ll be here.
Red Hood: I’ll bear that in mind.
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