#still unpacking the experience…

[gyldensternn]

i had drunk sex with a man who had questionable sideburns and all i got was this stupid t shirt

(couldn’t find my own shirt in the dark)

#still unpacking the experience… #sex ment tw #oopsies? #at least i’ll have something to talk about in therapy this week!

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

simply not getting over the fact that GQ published an article (written by a journalist who’s friends with miles, i might add) that starts off with an unnecessarily detailed description of an alleged threesome between miles and alex and a mystery person???

oh, and it’s also the article that used this artwork as its header:

(full article here)

#SO much to unpack here #SO MUCH #the way they put ‘story’ in inverted commas - #also #just the entire way it’s framed #THE FACT ITS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE #jesus #genuinely everything about this article is absolutely insane #i stumbled across it about a month ago and still haven’t recovered #sorry to any milex veterans to whom this is old news #for those of us who are a little newer here stumbling across this stuff is truly a surreal experience #you know it’s bad when legitimate magazines like GQ and NME are writing shit that looks like it should be on tumblr #milex #alex turner #miles kane #tlsp #the last shadow puppets #lulu posts

[spocks-kaathyra]

"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that

#joking but like. am I wrong though #yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell #except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem #I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning. #and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me. #I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it #this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think #mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction #but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face #anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops #also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend?? #well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie #really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level #mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child #but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful #oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships #ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS #literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them #there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine #guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry #narcissus's echoes #vent

[nmoroder]

i have some projmoon comic (askblog) posts ready and posted in vk. usually i translate it to eng and post simultaneously but currently life isnt easy on me (i moved to a diff apartment today and everything is a mess). so once its all settled, expect kool stuff (including one specific record team sephirah wink wink)

#morodertalks #moving somewhere else is horrendous. i only did it as a kid with my family #understandably i wasnt aware how hard it was and now as i am past 25 i can experience all this sauce myself.l #thrilled. #still the hardest part is over and i only have to unpack all my stuff and place it around the flat

[loud-whistling-yes]

This is going to sound like the world's most brain-rotted thought but passerine by the oh hellos is martlet coded and canary in a coal mine by the crane wives is clover coded

#I KNOW I SOUND LIKE IM LOSING IT BUT HEAR ME OUT #i do not have nearly enough experience to fully unpack the christian context behind passerine BUT #i know for a fact that its about losing your faith in something after seeing the harm done in its name #specifically that one line My palms and fingers still reek of gasoline/From throwing fuel to the fire of that greco-roman dream #look. idk. something something martlet losing faith in the justice from the royal guards #and the guilt after basically marching clover to their own death #all the hopes of the underground lie on the shoulders of a bunch of human children and its the job of the royal guard to fucking kill them #AND CANARY IN A COAL MINE + CLOVER IS SOOOOOOOOO #THE QUESTION OF WHETHER YOUR WORTH SHOULD BE MEASURED WITH THE THINGS YOUVE GIVEN WAY INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU HAVE AND ARE #WOULD CLOVER BE AS IMPORTANT IF IT WERENT FOR THEIR SOUL??? WOULD THEY FORGIVE THEMSELF IF THEY CHOSE TO KEEP THEIR SOUL????? #WOULD A CANARY STILL BE LOVED AFTER IT STOPPED SINGING????????? #also because the When You Break The Surface Without Me line hurts like a bitch #god i havent been so unwell about characters since double life came out this is insane #fuck it yknow what im maintagging this #undertale yellow #clover undertale yellow #martlet undertale yellow #fweeet #if i have to deal with these thoughts in my head so do all of you

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i think one of the things that upsets me the most about velma and shaggy's relationship in sdmi--and boy there is a lot--is that not only is her constantly ''correcting'' him for minor, harmless, and usually completely reasonable things with physical and emotional abuse, well. abusive by itself. but so many of the things he does that she treats him that way over are very autistic things, and what she subjects him to is textbook abuse aimed at autistics in particular. (including the part where she gets more and more pissed whenever attempts at said emotional abuse fly over his head, because he's too bad at picking up cues for them to land fully.)

[cws: anti-autistic ableism, ABA, self-harm, physical and emotional IPV, victim-blaming, and abuse apologism. it's a lot and it's really fucking bad lmao]

-

like. there's a lot of examples there; shaggy's behavior coming across as autistic is worth a whole post of its own, and a lot of media depicts abuse targeted at autistic traits because ✨️hooray ableism.✨️but she straight up tries to Fix Him (read: force him to perform a Presentable Personality) by forcing him to wear clothes that are sensory hell, and trying to condition him to self-harm every time he does some small harmless, reflexive thing she thinks is Poor Socialization until he stops. and to catch himself doing it, and punish himself, without being prompted. i cannot fucking overstate how fucked up that is.

they even got down the fun little aspect of ABA where the methods of conditioning-through-pain are presented as toys and kiddish things: she gives him a rubber band to wear on his wrist, and tells him to snap it as hard as he can every time he says 'like.' 🙃🙃🙃🙃

like. this does not begin to scratch the surface of the abuse she puts him through in general. and again, characters being abused for autistic traits with the approval of the narrative is a common thing in media, which sucks. but holy fucking shit! they really took the 'violent ableism that is done to autistics irl' to the next fucking level here!

.......and it's portrayed as kind of cringey, immature teen drama on both sides. the self-harm, his dread over how much he knows it'll hurt, and the extreme pain it causes him to the point of screaming are all supposed to be funny. and her arc is all about learning to accept that she deserves better, because she was repressed and had low self-esteem and therefore putting him through fucking DIY ABA didn't make her happy.

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

anyway if you couldn't tell i can't fucking stand sdmi velma and i have a lot of words in me about it. when one of your main heroes would have made a way more compelling villain as they are, on a more mundane level compared to all the wild fantastical shit they go up against, holy shit go back to the drawing board you have fucked up. she could have been genuinely good representation of a marginalized person dealing with the trauma of her experiences in some shitty ways she has to grow past, and an interesting flawed character, without being absolutely despicable--hell, she'd have made a great foil to pericles if they'd handled him decently too. they have a lot of parallels, which only gain more depth when you add their respective parallels with cassidy into the mix. and it really fucking sucks that we got this instead.

#sdmi #scooby doo mystery incorporated #velma dinkley #shaggy rogers #SDMItag #cws in post #sdmi velma lies at the intersection of A Lot of Hard Feelings for me; in ways both inherent and personal #so she is viscerally upsetting to me in a lot of ways mostly re: framing; and that makes it difficult to analyze her in a sympathetic light #even though i recognize she is very much a depiction of a hurting; traumatized person lashing out in nasty and interesting ways #but the older i get and the more perspective i gain; and the more i unpack and understand about my own experiences #the more important it feels to me to talk about this stuff #i still want to try writing fic sometime about newniverse velma and how she ends up being a non-abusive; less shitty person #without just *being* a completely different person who's All Nice Sweet Sunshine with No Hard Feelings About What She's Been Through #and about the confusion and grief newniverse marcie goes through when one day her loving girlfriend is gone #and in her place is someone who is so much like her and has clearly been through a lot; but is Different in ways that hurt more and more #that marcie keeps trying to justify and make excuses for; and sits in the pot and slowly boils #until she finally has to face that this isn't the girl she fell in love with; that that girl will never come back; that this is velma now #i'm totally not working through anything here lmao #and a nasty; pretentious; controlling; insecure young adult who's up their own ass about Being Super Intellectual and Telling It Like Is #abusing a teenager to make them stop saying 'like' because it's Annoying and What Stupid People Say and Not Gramatically Correct(tm)(tm)(tm #definitely does not hit dead on some very specific 'hi that scarred me for life and i don't think it's particularly fucking funny' buttons! #anyway. protect shaggy and marcie and daphne while we're at it #SDMIcrit tag #the crit files

[mothric]

happy new year!! I had a horrible nightmare that (check the tags before proceeding please) I had to get a surgery to release some kind of fluid buildup in my brain and the surgery involved drilling a hole into my skull and I didn't find out they weren't intending to put me under until I was on the operating table with the nurse hovering over me with a GIANT drill

she reassured me they gave me local anesthesia but i flailed and begged to go to sleep and tried to shove the drill away while the nurse basically forced me into position, and I kept tapping my skull trying to confirm that the local even did anything because I couldn't remember them administering it. before I knew it they were drilling into the side of my head and it wasn't painful, so I guess the stuff worked, but I could hear it and feel it the way you feel what the dentist is doing even when there's novocaine. eventually i stopped yelling and fell silent because the drill was so loud and what can you even do at that point.

when they were done they cheerfully showed me an x ray of the hole they made, which went ALL the way back to my spinal cord and brain stem and stopped just a millimeter short of touching them, and they acted like this was normal and they hadn't just gone within a hair's breadth of killing me, and then they gave me a flimsy paper towel and told me I'd just need to hold it over the fresh hole in my head for awhile until it healed.

bizarre and upsetting New Year's Day dreams are practically a tradition for me at this point but, genuinely, what the Fuck was that.

#tw medical #tw medical trauma #tw surgery #tw body horror #tw nightmares #cant decide if this is better or worse than the religious nightmare i had a handful of january firsts ago #my dreams #jan 2024 #happy new year!!! :) :) :) #trying to figure out what in my waking life could have possibly prompted this #it's probably a combination of stresses all rolled into one big awful thing tbh #i guess the thrust is i wanted to be fixed or cured of something but i didnt get to be in control of how that happened #and the solution felt archaic and the aftercare was nonexistent #and i mean that's. a sensible thing to be afraid of #it wasn't even clear in the dream if the procedure even helped #but i went to this clinic at the recommendation of someone i knew. whose input- in waking life- i dont especially trust. so #maybe there's something to unpack there #ive also had friends experience some really shocking malpractice this year #and i'm still paying off medical debt #and doing year in review has brought up some unpleasant emotions as i'm realizing this year was more stressful than i thought #like a major element of this dream was 'yes i did sign up for this but some Very Important Information was withheld from me' which HONESTLY #sums up a lot of my year >_> #AND on top of that i've been wrestling with faith stuff. not getting to pick the healing process and fearing the outcome... yea #at the end of the day it's just another stress dream. it just took a form it doesnt usually take so it stands out #blegh. we'll get through this

[rahabs]

I went to my best friend's magical wedding last week and the only photos I took of myself were shitty mirror selfies with my purse hanging open 🖤

#Ft. my obnoxiously tiny forehead #Anyway this outfit was ORIGINALLY for another wedding I went to but I finally got a chance to re-wear it :) #Instead of just letting it HAUNT MY CLOSET FOR ETERNITY. Beautiful and sparkly with nowhere to go. #All worn with my beautiful amazing friend's permission ofc #I had matching earrings et al but they were heavy and I knew from prior experience that I was in fact allergic to them. #So I just left my little ruby studs in. #And prior to this I had lost the bangles I was given in a move. #They are SOMEWHERE in one of my unpacked boxes. Who knows where. I've had those bangles since I was wee and they still somehow fit #cheyenne's face

[stardustdiiving]

Suddenly cursed with the desire to write out detailed paragraphs about my dozen aro and/or ace headcanons for genshin characters

#fern.txt #I MAY BE OUT OF THE WOODS WITH MY HARDEST MIDTERM BUT I STILL HAVE WORK :/// #genshin #see it’s sometimes hard for genshin chars bc alot of my hcs I notice go hand in hand w chars having trauma #so sometimes I less want to assign them labels n moreso have thoughts on how trauma impacts their #relationship w sexuality or romance #so sometimes I less have a hc and more like an insane introspective concept Abt this character weighing between #aroace identity vs coping and unpacking trauma #so u have a range of like my aroace hc for yoimiya is just bc she probably feels she jsut loves everyone deeply #and doesn’t rlly feel she experiences attraction that stands out compared to this sort of general love for ppl #cynonari are in a demi-aroace sort of relationship where both of them just feel very disinterested sbt romance n sex #but bc they have such a deep bond with e/o #they’re just more comfortable with kind of having some sort of relationship/dictation of e/o as a ‘partner’ of sorts #n then I have my collei hcs where I think if u talked to her Abt it #she would say she consciously thinks her relationship w attraction is rlly influenced by her trauma but she takes comfort in IDing as xyz #aro or ace identity bc she thinks it suits her n she’s ok with the fact she handles attraction differently than other ppl #I think her being around tighnari and cyno who she feels understand her experiences helps her a lot) #but then in contrast if I were to write an wanderer fic in line w my ace hcs for him #it would honestly be more of a narrative of as he has time to process n heal from trauma he moves away from the ace label more #bc I think I’d see him conclude yeah I think alot of my repulsion and detachment from attraction comes from my trauma #and while I still relate to alot of ace experiences I think it might be more helpful and accurate to how I feel #identity wise to try to repair my relationship with it #instead of resonate with the label and idea I don’t have interest in these things nor experience these attractions

[chuchayucca]

Tbh I'm surprised nobody else has brought up the idea of Richard being abused too

It feels like a lot of potential for it and an explanation (aside from their status) as to why Roy never got help for it either -- Richard thought it was normal.

Now this is just making me imagine a scene where Carmen remarks that Roy will "grow out of it" (it being his behavior) like Richard did in front of the other Hatz and Ross and Robert just share a Look

Anddd now I'm wondering how much Carmen knows

TW for discussions of fictional CSA/SA and mentions of alcoholism

Me too, I thought it would be an obvious assumption but I guess not.

Exactly, I’ve seen the fandom explore Carmen and Roy’s relationship regarding his CSA but never with Richard. I think it’s ashamed because there’s a lot you can write for the relationship, even outside of their CSA.

Omg that’s a good scene idea. The Hatzgang are realized there is a deeper issue, and Roy has to unfortunately unpack that generational trauma. I can see how learning his dad is a possible CSA victim, like him, starts pushing Roy to tell his parents but also discourages him because basically Richard unknowingly knew Roy was SA but never recognized it because he doesn’t know he was SA too. I also believe Richard normalized his brother’s actions too. It’s truly devastating how Richard indirectly contributed to the normalization of Roy’s abuse but he doesn’t know it’s SA. He believes those fun “games” him and his brother played were normal family bonding activities and is happy to hear his son is getting along with his brother, a brother he admired when growing up.

These headcanons might change as the series continues and the deeper I get into research.

I headcanon Carmen doesn’t know anything but has suspected something was off a few times. She never thought anything of Richard’s behavior at first because he alway been this way. When they became adults, she started questioning as Richard still had issues with intimacy at that point in their relationship and his alcoholism was at its worst. (Short ver: Richard started drinking at a young age to cope with trauma of his SA and the Uncle encouraged this, buying him alcohol for various reasons. Modern day, Richard is a functional alcoholic but has gotten better with his drinking)

As of the moment, Roy’s parents are unaware of Roy’s CSA. The day the Uncle died, Roy did get in trouble but for separate reasons. Carmen and Richard were mad at Roy for hanging out with “plebeians” and sending them to one of his uncle’s private properties. Roy doesn’t feel comfortable telling them yet because they’re snobby, judgmental people, so he assumes they won’t react well.

#sorry if the length bothers you #This idea has been taking up my brain #There is so much to unpack about this idea like Richard’s life in the past. the generational truama. and Roy’s life in the present #I also want to apologize if some headcanons are poorly implemented. I feel there was certain headcanons I have that wouldn’t make sense- #without other pre-lore headcanons to explain them and I didn’t know to add them smoothly #I have so many thoughts for this AU they obviously focus on Richard’s youth and Roy in current #I’m currently interested in fleshing out Richard’s youth and how he dealt with the CSA without knowing it #Especially the social side of like being a boyfriend and having dumbass friends who also are dealing with their own issues. develop their- #own terrible habits. and encourage one another toxic behaviors because they were stupid teenagers #I do have a scene in mind when Roy eventually tells Carmen and Richard about his SA and have written a little for it #Like I’d mentioned there’s a lot of potential with this AU and I want to see the fandom talk about Roy and Richard’s relationship- #More so regarding their CSA experiences. I believe it can be a powerful story to write #Though one thing I don’t like about it is how I have to write for the Uncle and give him a character #just a awful character to write for #eugh #BTW I do have a sensitive reader for this AU but criticism is still very much welcome #spooky month #spooky month roy #spooky month carmen #spooky month richard #answered asks #ChuchaYucca.text #tw csa mention #tw csa #tw sa mention #tw sa #tw alchoholism

[desperatepleasures]

ugh I have chores to do but what I really need to do is lay down and think about harukan for at least 4hrs while listening to labrador by aimee mann on repeat

#THE CONSENT SITUATION IS SO WEIRDDDD #and i think the way I'm writing them is true to their situation but also. fuck it's a lot to unpack #tho i think im painting kantarou in a worse light than I'd like to #i talk shit but he does genuinely care about haruka #but the problem is i dont think im writing him ooc HE REALLY ACTS LIKE THIS IN CANON #it's just maybe the situation is not one where he comes out looking good #idk i have to figure out the latter half of this fic still so maybe I'll work things out #i keep thinking 'how would someone who's never read tactics see their dynamic here?' #which is a good thought experiment and is helping keep me grounded BUT ALSO #ALSO i shouldn't worry too much about what a hypothetical reader outside the fandom would think lmao #fic tag #SIGH kantarou you are killing me

[xceanlynx]

Hello moots, I'm finally back home!

#gonna unpack my things #oh my god the day was loooong #but still #I'm watching all the videos of the fanmeet #omg you guys this was such an experience

[bubtans]

before i put my "stomping my foot over yaoi and misogyny" days behind me i will say that it is extremely funny watching people try to found family-beam blade and kafka while also insisting on the canon-ness of a BL fest between him and a dude who isn't actually his ex but an entirely different person

y'all became so afraid of looking basic by acknowledging the nature of a man's relationship with a woman in his life that u somehow got to calling her a family member in the midst of her expressing explicit attraction to him and u don't think that's weird bc ur being progressive and calling her a lesbian! #feminism!

#me: text #fuck that discover more feature bc i can't even look at my bookmarks anymore #without seeing a gimmick account going 'i think blade kafka and silver wolf are found family and platonic' #there's also some bitter irony to be found in how people's refusal to unpack misogynistic media experiences #has resulted in women still being delegated to the role of sister or mother regardless of her dynamic with a man #like she can't even be his friend lol she has to be his mother who lays his head on her lap and eases his pain #even though one of the pillars of their relationship is the fact that she is lonely and he acts as her listener #but she can't be the focus u know! we have dan hengs to fuck even though he literally just wants to chill! #and fuck kafhime by the way bc that shit is literally the hollowest most surface-level attempt at toxic yuri i've ever seen

[pyroinfusedtiger]

I think my token complaint when people draw dark-haired latine characters is that theres not a lot of body hair most of the time.

Growing up as a girl, I've always been extremely aware of a mustache and unibrow I couldnt shave off, thicker sideburns that fade into fuzz on my jawline, and arm and leg hair that was more visible than my female classmates that made me self conscious about wearing anything that exposed it.

Iunno, just wanna see more hairy girl representation outside of fanart of dwarven women (i love you hairy dwarven women)

#by this point in my life ive unpacked it and like it after 20 years of dealing with being shamed for it #and this is knowing im not even near the thicker end of the spectrum #but if people still cant be normal about body hair as any natural trait a person has then whats the point #this applies to any designs really because at the end of the day its still seen with a western european eye as an undesirable trait of mascu #linity #and i know this doesnt apply to EVERY latine body while also applying to other bodies of color #im just speaking from personal experience after thinking about how I still feel like I have to shave the hairs on my upper lip to be seen as #pleasant and attractive #(im pleasant and attractive without doing so but i still do it because im still unlearning this behavior within myself) #(so what does it say for those of us who dont deal with this subconsciously reacting to others with body hair that arent cisgender men)

[dare-i-say-it]

Reading through various nsfw posts may give you an idea of things you are into but DAMN if it doesn't hit very differently when it actually happens. Thought I was a little into praise, thought it sounded cute and fun and that dog related terms were just a silly spin on it.

Then my boyfriend calls me a good boy, mostly as a joke. And suddenly every brain cell vacated the premises and I feel like an over-excited little puppy. I spent the rest of the day riding that high. "I am? I am his good boy!" I told him every productive thing I did for the rest of the day, silently begging for him to do it again. "Please, look at what I did! See? See how good I'm being?? It's all for you!" say it again, say it again, say it again! Oh if only you were here, I could show you just how good I can be!! I will kiss you, I will sit at your feet, I will do whatever you want because I am

such

a

good

boy!!

Just let me show you!

#I didnt say anything vulgar but this still feels very...nsft #I havent yet unpacked what this experience means beside being fucking gay LMAO #nsft #t4t mlm #nblm #praise k!nk #good boy

[slowtides]

Thinking about the time that I wanted to be a teacher because I thought I could make a difference. Worked in a school for a year and quit because I realized that my role involved traumatizing and retraumatizing students through discipline and control when they departed from the mythical norm. Regardless of my intentions, I was always going to be a tool of a capitalist, white supremacist, patriarchal, colonial system.

#hardest and worst job of my life. i'm still unpacking what this looks like at the college level #but i'm sure it's present. just perhaps less obvious and more insidious #because people are paying for their own subjugation. but idk if I feel like my education was my subjugation. #I do feel like certain experiences gave me tools I would not have otherwise known. tools toward liberation #and resistance