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dreamspeaks22 · 1 year

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Just saying, it's a dream post. Dw.

911 House (yes that was the house number, not some gross joke.)

TW: mentions of animal abuse, dead animals and dying animals. No graphic descriptions. Mentions of alcoholism. Mentions of feces. I don't go into heavy detail on anything so don't worry. But I am sorry if I should've added something else, please lmk if I need to. These are all dreams btw. Some of it is based in fact and I'm happy to clarify, but everything I write about is just dreams. Oh and I repeat words a lot. Sorry I'm really tired and trying to drill this out. Struggling with synonyms.

-Grandma's house;

I say 'grandma's house,' but it's usually more Tim's(my grandpa, we have bad past, i refer to him as Tim). Its rare grandma actually makes an appearance. When she does, she's usually sickly in some way, and not prevalent in the dream.

'Their' dream house is typically the 911 Highland house. It's usually close to reality. Sometimes their dogs are present, their cats often are not. Their dogs are very often wanting to go outside. Sometimes feces litters the ground near the door.

For most of these dreams, I am in my room. It's infrequent that I see the rest of the house, and when I do, it's typically infringed upon by a drunk Tim. Often if I see any other parts of the house (usually kitchen or bathroom) the floors are smeared with feces, and old food/dirty dishes clutter the kitchen. My room is, surprisingly, empty most of the time. Almost as if I'm just moving in. In fact, a lot of these dreams, I know I'm moving in. I'm in the process of setting up my room. But my furniture is different and when I'm planning for animals, it's typical for it to be rats, a snake, and a lizard. Or rats in a big cage and some sort of tanked animal. The tank is usually amazingly well set up, but the animal in poor shape. (Underfed, water empty, dead prey inside, etc.) However in the dreams I'm setting up my room, I don't usually get to go into detail with the animals. So these dreams are somewhat separate and together.

The basement is basically a whole other place. It's obviously grandma and Tim's 911 Highland house basement, but so wrong. Like most basements in my dreams. I guess I just really don't like basements. Anyways, the basement is usually cluttered, dark, dirty, and scary in an unknown threat kinda way. It usually focuses on my failures as a pet parent in my younger years. Dozens of cages filled with neglected rodents. Ranging from rats and mice, all the way to guinea pigs -which I've never had. I think its mainly just meant to focus on my fuckups. Doesn't matter if it's accurate. I'll see the corpses of rodents, or them struggling to survive, skinny and looking like they're on deaths door. Their bedding is always gross, as is everything in their cage and around them. Sometimes live animals are doing their normal thing among the corpses of their cagemates. It never ever got that bad, but like I said, accuracy isn't always the strong point here.

In the past I'd have dreams of grandma and Tim's house and animal neglect. Those were considerably worse. They were usually me looking into a cage to find horrendously decayed corpses. In the wet, goopy, maggots crawling everywhere kinda horrendous. A lot of times I'd be holding the animal (and it's alive) only for it to turn around and reveal a gaping rotten wound.

Lately though, I'm trying to clean cages and feed the animals in these dreams. They're not as often dead, and never horribly rotten. The cage states are better.

I don't have really really bad dreams about Tim anymore. I still have bad ones, but they don't make me wake up in a panic anymore. Now he's more of a nuisance than anything. More willing to fuck off when asked, spends more time in his room, doesn't usually bother me in mine. I do still have moments where he'll walk past and I'll freeze up. My heart stops, chest freezing mid breath, eyes locked, unblinking, and waiting. But he rarely comes in.

Occasionally I find myself in the backyard or sneaking around the house to slip into an open window. There's not much to those parts of the dreams. They feel just like the real version of sneaking into the house with a drunk Tim inside.

#dreams #dream journal #watching and dreaming #dreambasedinreality #weird dreams #dream analysis #dream #weirddreams #tw animal cruelty #tw alchoholism

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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Hi again. I'm back to semi keep myself sane

CONTENT WARNING: SELF HARM

Well not to say addiction isn't a form of sh lmfao. Still just incase

I'm just gon say it. Uh I'm writing this because I ended my nearly year long streak of not cutting. I don't really do it often so I don't bother keeping track of when I do it specifically. But yeh. I did it out of frustration towards myself, R, my family, this fucking job, my money, my loans.. I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do. I thought I'd just sob a lil and make myself feel better with that. Didn't work ofc. Even now that I did that to myself I couldn't bring myself to cry 💀

I miss being able to get high in these situations. I feel like I did in college again. Those days walking around feeling completely lost on what to do next. Everything is irritating me and I'm just over it. I never wanted this shit you know?

I'm slightly disappointed in myself. I always told myself I was just tryna be like everyone else when I started cutting myself. Tho I know it's just me being hard on myself. I used to bite/scratch myself and pull my hair out before so it's not entirely fair to say that. But still like. Why couldn't I just punch a wall or something damn 😭😭

Anyway. I alsoo found about 500mg around my room. I had so many pills under my drawer. Plus all the pills I spilled around when I tried to kms while half conscious from the attempt not even a full 2 hours before. I thought i did a good job of throwing away the loose pills after the fact buut ig at some point I made a lil stashe. I've just been staring at them. I want some so bad but I know once I take them I'm buying some more. I have that bad. I can't just have one good experience. I have to have it again and again until it's completely stale. I really stopped taking pills daily in November and took my last pill in early December. I'm scared of what I'll do if I give in. But should I care?

Mmm... my leg is on fire. Sorry if this is too much info. It's hard to focus on what to say next. All I can think about is the pills, how mad I am, annnd my thigh. I don't think it's enough tbh. The fact that I'm still babbling is proof enough.

Well. Speaking of which. A huge apology for some of my older posts. I upset myself rereading my old trip reports. They were awful. I never realized how much I was dealing with at the time. 2022 was the worst year of my life. No doubt. But I WISH I didn't go into so much detail into my personal issues. On one hand, it was good for me as I could let out everything with no filter. Thoooo on the other, that is not what this page was ever supposed to be and I hate that you have to sift the relevant info from my personal drama. I'm tryna be better about that shit. Not everything needs to be said. Plus, I needa be better about thinking about what I'm thinking lol. I feel like im way more irrational than I've ever truly paid attention to. Blasting this place with that isn't thr smartest thing either way. I'll be from here on trying to focus on the bigger shit making me feel rhe way I do.

Oh uh. Well my dumbass inhaled my edibles the other day tryna make myself feel better. My dad made me some to try to replace my dph/pen habit with "real weed" but I've never liked it much. I don't really like weed period for whatever reason. When I'm mixing it with pills I like it but on its own... no. I get really paranoid but so out of it I can't think my way through it. Least with dph I would get paranoid or hear/see something and I'd just forget to be scared. My dislike has led me to eat them fairly infrequently keeping my tolerance kinda low. Thoo I ate about 4x my normal dose annnd as fun as I thought it'd be, I found it more annoying than anything.

I'm in therapy now. I uh don't know how much I like my therapist thus far. He seems so interested in building better habits and not as much fixing whatever's wrong with me. He honestly sounds like he's already given up on me. On my first appointment, he asked about previous visits to therapists. I had only been to one and I was a kid so I didn't understand or take it as seriously as I should have. But apparently I show signs of something deeper going on and talk therapy is "usually not very productive" for people like me. He's focused on getting me medicated and teaching me better coping skills are his main focus from the sounds of it. Tho then again, I've been filling out paperwork and doing minimal speaking so ig he's off the hook 💀💀

Man recommended me to come in 2x a week for the time being. Part of me questions if this is for me or just for him to fill his time slots as quick as possible. Especially with me not having any appointments this week due to his schedule being full LMFAOO. I'm not mad really. I'm just hoping from here out I can actually do the damn 2x a week. I wanna get this treatment shit over with.

Okay well. This one's served its purpose. I'm exhausted and my leg hurts so bad. I wanna sleep it off. Gn

#vent #misc

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