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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I'm sooo tempted to buy dxm. I feel like I should avoid benadryl for now til i can prove I wont fall into that pitfall again. But at the same point I am so irritated.. I need something.

I wish I could go back to the person that could hold it together on fear and imaginary peer pressure alone. I swear that girl is dead. I hate being in her fucking shoes. It's so suffocating.

I just want to stop thinking again. But I want to be able to function like normal. And thus far, I dissociate and go completely silent when I'm high on weed and when I'm high on dph I get too forgetful and tooo reckless because of it. Plus my conversational skills are neutered a bit. and I shake lmao

Dxm is so far the only thing I know I can get my hands on without getting caught. But I'm scared it'll lead me back to before.

I hate being like this. I don't feel like me rn. Not really depersonalized i think. I feel like I'm just an angry person hiding inside this stupid fucking girl. Playing the roles everyone else expects me to be in. What I kinda HAVE to be in. Once I get back sucked into it I feel like the normal person that I'm living in. But rn.... I feel like she's being annoying and dumb not listening to her instincts. All the things I feel end up being the case. I'm not gonna list em all out. I'm trying to break out that habit. I still regret all the useful info I plagued with my personal drama. But I have a lot of reasoning to feel this way. It's like she lives in lala land and I have to be the one that feels the brunt of the hurt she brings.

I cant even be bothered to cry about it anymore. I don't want to deal with any of it. Dealing with it correctly has done nothing for me. If anything it's made me worse. It's like I put my heart right on my sleeve. I'd rather not feel it for now. When I can deal with it without ruining everything I will but for now if I listen to myself I'd either be dead or a loser. i just need to numb myself so I can get the fundamentals in place for now. I need money and I need school. If I have to drug myself to keep myself stable enough to push through so be it. I can't do it on guilt and shame anymore

I'm gonna buy robotabs dis time. Last few I just got what was cheapest with the most pills. Now I know better. I'll puke em all up if I get capsules again. Them fuckers are poisonous

#vent #dph addiction recovery

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

#vent

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I cant say learning my situation doesn't sting a bit ngl. I feel like no one's gonna take me seriously now. All the shit I felt was so sucky but it can just be brushed off as me being overdramatic now. It feels like that keeps on happening tbh. I've been feeling like garbage for so long and I really thought I needed help, but come to find out I just needed vitamins. I know everyone is just gonna find me overdramatic now. No one takes anything serious until the situation forces it. I can see how they talk about me. All that talk of me being sick can now just get wrote off as me being extra. I know they're thinking it. I don't get why they bother pretending that's not what they're thinking

My therapist prolly thinks the same way tbh. I've tried to explain my side of things and why I'm so stagnant. He misinterprets me so much. He's so focused on MD building "a life worth living" but it's like 1000 steps got skipped. He's just planning on putting me on pills. Ig that's fine. It'll be easier lol. But I thought therapy would be different. I don't really care fr.. I just need to find a solution quick.

I'm gonna blow up again. I can feel it. I just can't find a single reason I'm still going and I can't keep running on fear forever. I know what I want fr. I'm trying to appease everyone and grow and move on and shit. But I can't just poof the shit that made me want to die away to appease everyone. I need to find something I want or some way to not feel this way, or I'll do it. I need something to replace that crutch.

I'm acting out cause of it. I stopped talking to everyone and started cutting again for various reasons. But the core thing is I want to die and everyday I'm expected to not do it to not hurt everyone else. My own heartbeat is a constant reminder that I do everything for other's sake. I want to do one thing for my own sake. So much emotional juggling for a life I never wanted to live in in the first place.

It just kinda stings to know that all the effort I put into just keeping myself from attempting until I succeed is unnoticed. No one is gonna cheer for joy over that. I'm just pulled in a thousand different directions on the daily cause im expected to and I'm met with judgement and anger when I don't. Why am I putting myself in this position when my suicide would fix it all?

#vent

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I just got bloodwork the other day I was right on that. I've been realllll anemic. My yellowing skin was cause of that lmfao. Im black so i couldnt really tell if i was pale or not but thats also another alarm bell. I'm tempted to show my test results directly but maybe that's a bit tmi so I'll keep it to myself for now. There were like 3 diff hemoglobin tests they did and all 3 came up low

Anemia is a lot more serious than I realized tbh. Ive had low iron before that luckily didn't spiral into anemia at the time but now that I'm seeing what ts is I want to teleport back to that time and jack the past me for her iron pills 💀

I dont know the cause just yet. Im going off my blood work results alone. I think my eating habits plus me being chronically dehydrated for a year straight is what made it get so bad. I could be right about bile being the cause too ofc. But also could be caused by ulcers aa well. Plus, I have a colonoscopy coming up so.. whatever I got going on in there could also be a cause (apparentlyyyy its NOT normal to shit blood yeyeyey 🙃) Shit like hemorrhoids or colon polyps can also cause internal bleeding which'll also = anemia.

I know it's not super practical cause when I was still taking pills I more than likely wouldn't care that I was anemic fr but if you can take supplements please do so. So much extra worry I put on myself when it probably would've took a few vitamins to make myself feel a lot better. Plus, in my personal opinion, I liked the feel of pills a lot more back when I wasn't feeling sickly when I was just existing.

If you're gonna abuse dph, try to stay as hydrated as you feel up to. Don't try to make up for allll the water you've lost too quick or else you'll feel sick and you'll avoid ts. Take iron supplements at the very least. Vitamins in general but iron especially. It's alllll fun and games til you can actually feel the consequences of not having enough minerals in you

I think I fucked my liver up bad

Uh. Soo the jaundice shit never went away. It's never as bad don't get me wrong. But while before I only jaundiced when I was going overboard, I now keep a light shade of yellow pretty much 24/7. My eyes are never fully white

I'm not gonna bother going over all the symptoms I've gained since I oded earlier this month. Shit hurts but no where near unbearable. I've been holding out on talking bout it cause of that. Partially because I didn't want to explain and partially cause I didn't think anyone would take it serious because of how mild the symptoms were at first. Ah well mild aint the word. Expected..? I dunno in my mind knowing that most of that was the leftover dph beating my ass made it feel a lot better. Least I knew exactly what I'd be feeling and around when. Now? So many random pains ;_;

I'm thinking I have hemolytic anemia that was more than likely because of the excess bile shit I never could fully fix. Ik it sounds like I'm just self diagnosing to make myself sound more pitiful but if I went through the shit I've been feeling it'd probably be more obvious. I'm sorry I'm not explaining in detail there either. I'm kinda half sleep tryna write 😭

Either way in my mind that is uh.. ig that's my consequence. I'm hoping it is just anemia from that day and not just the tip of the iceberg. Unless it's not even that heh. Then ima be mad

I feel like shit on and off. I swear it's so random. Sometimes I forget anything happened and I'll just be existing. But then like today it's like my entire body burns and aches. Once again, not unbearable. The burny feeling is moreso uncomfortable not painful. But the burning + the random dull aches everywhere is fucking annoying

I remember in the past being paranoid about what'd bring my lucky streak to an end. Ig this is it. I don't know if it's fair to call it that tho. I'm not hurting too bad honestly. It's nothing I can't handle with it not being constant. Did I get off lucky? I'm still here. My jaundice isn't bad. My stomach isn't horrible. My speech is mostly normal now that I've gotten used to not relying on guesstimating sm lol. Eh. I'll be seeing soon. Guess I really don't need to question it anymore

I'm going to sleep now im actually in the middle of this nonsense rn I'm so tired. My body hurt :[

#dph addiction #dph addiction recovery #benadryl #dph #diphenhydramine

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before

being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode

every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T

i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??

HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing

im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard

i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.

i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.

im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent

#dph addiction recovery #vent

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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My emotions swing back and forth too quickly. It makes me tempted to do some unsavory things to control myself. I can either make it where I can't remember or make it harder to think about. I don't even want the high anymore. I just can't think like this. I honestly might let myself get it again. I'm struggling to hold back

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I genuinely don't know why but I've been craving blackouts like the day I took all them pills. If I chain it enough I could skip through any feeling I want. It's more powerful than I ever realized. I wasted that ability before. I nodded off here and there but I was already doing mindless bs. It's not fair

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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If im struggling this bad when nothing bad is even happening what am I gonna do once it's actually rough?

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I'm not even gon front. I wish I died that day. I don't care about ts fr dude damn.. why am I entertaining this. I miss the pills so bad. Was so gone I couldn't remember half of what I was doing and I was fucking myself enough where I was pretty much guaranteed an easy exit at some point. I regret making people think I cared about fixing myself. I really don't lmfao. All I'm doing is what everyone expects me to do, just like always. I want to go back to the blur that was last year. I wish I never had to be sober. It was so much easier. It was isolating but this is so much worse. I'm trapped with no way out. I would have to guarantee I'd be gone if I ever tried again as now people would know to look for the signs. It's not fair. My dying now would mean the exposing of the giant facade my presence has been.. so many lies brought to the surface all at once. I'll break everyone if I do it now. But I don't want to have to stay here hating my every action knowing I'm denying myself the one thing I truly want.

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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Hi again. I'm back to semi keep myself sane

CONTENT WARNING: SELF HARM

Well not to say addiction isn't a form of sh lmfao. Still just incase

I'm just gon say it. Uh I'm writing this because I ended my nearly year long streak of not cutting. I don't really do it often so I don't bother keeping track of when I do it specifically. But yeh. I did it out of frustration towards myself, R, my family, this fucking job, my money, my loans.. I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do. I thought I'd just sob a lil and make myself feel better with that. Didn't work ofc. Even now that I did that to myself I couldn't bring myself to cry 💀

I miss being able to get high in these situations. I feel like I did in college again. Those days walking around feeling completely lost on what to do next. Everything is irritating me and I'm just over it. I never wanted this shit you know?

I'm slightly disappointed in myself. I always told myself I was just tryna be like everyone else when I started cutting myself. Tho I know it's just me being hard on myself. I used to bite/scratch myself and pull my hair out before so it's not entirely fair to say that. But still like. Why couldn't I just punch a wall or something damn 😭😭

Anyway. I alsoo found about 500mg around my room. I had so many pills under my drawer. Plus all the pills I spilled around when I tried to kms while half conscious from the attempt not even a full 2 hours before. I thought i did a good job of throwing away the loose pills after the fact buut ig at some point I made a lil stashe. I've just been staring at them. I want some so bad but I know once I take them I'm buying some more. I have that bad. I can't just have one good experience. I have to have it again and again until it's completely stale. I really stopped taking pills daily in November and took my last pill in early December. I'm scared of what I'll do if I give in. But should I care?

Mmm... my leg is on fire. Sorry if this is too much info. It's hard to focus on what to say next. All I can think about is the pills, how mad I am, annnd my thigh. I don't think it's enough tbh. The fact that I'm still babbling is proof enough.

Well. Speaking of which. A huge apology for some of my older posts. I upset myself rereading my old trip reports. They were awful. I never realized how much I was dealing with at the time. 2022 was the worst year of my life. No doubt. But I WISH I didn't go into so much detail into my personal issues. On one hand, it was good for me as I could let out everything with no filter. Thoooo on the other, that is not what this page was ever supposed to be and I hate that you have to sift the relevant info from my personal drama. I'm tryna be better about that shit. Not everything needs to be said. Plus, I needa be better about thinking about what I'm thinking lol. I feel like im way more irrational than I've ever truly paid attention to. Blasting this place with that isn't thr smartest thing either way. I'll be from here on trying to focus on the bigger shit making me feel rhe way I do.

Oh uh. Well my dumbass inhaled my edibles the other day tryna make myself feel better. My dad made me some to try to replace my dph/pen habit with "real weed" but I've never liked it much. I don't really like weed period for whatever reason. When I'm mixing it with pills I like it but on its own... no. I get really paranoid but so out of it I can't think my way through it. Least with dph I would get paranoid or hear/see something and I'd just forget to be scared. My dislike has led me to eat them fairly infrequently keeping my tolerance kinda low. Thoo I ate about 4x my normal dose annnd as fun as I thought it'd be, I found it more annoying than anything.

I'm in therapy now. I uh don't know how much I like my therapist thus far. He seems so interested in building better habits and not as much fixing whatever's wrong with me. He honestly sounds like he's already given up on me. On my first appointment, he asked about previous visits to therapists. I had only been to one and I was a kid so I didn't understand or take it as seriously as I should have. But apparently I show signs of something deeper going on and talk therapy is "usually not very productive" for people like me. He's focused on getting me medicated and teaching me better coping skills are his main focus from the sounds of it. Tho then again, I've been filling out paperwork and doing minimal speaking so ig he's off the hook 💀💀

Man recommended me to come in 2x a week for the time being. Part of me questions if this is for me or just for him to fill his time slots as quick as possible. Especially with me not having any appointments this week due to his schedule being full LMFAOO. I'm not mad really. I'm just hoping from here out I can actually do the damn 2x a week. I wanna get this treatment shit over with.

Okay well. This one's served its purpose. I'm exhausted and my leg hurts so bad. I wanna sleep it off. Gn

#vent #misc

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I think I fucked my liver up bad

Either way in my mind that is uh.. ig that's my consequence. I'm hoping it is just anemia from that day and not just the tip of the iceberg. Unless it's not even that heh. Then ima be mad

I'm going to sleep now im actually in the middle of this nonsense rn I'm so tired. My body hurt :[

#dph addiction #dph addiction recovery #im so ready to be done. im exhausted

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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This some bullshit. I came back here to try to talk about the after junk thinking it'd help some but I had a nightmare about the day I came clean and it fucked with me so bad it's not even funny. Genuinely one of the worst yet since it's actually like.. relevant you know?

I'm not going to go into detail. I don't really want to talk about it. Long story short, they kept yelling at me and wouldn't stop it or listen to me so I hurt myself over and over to try to get them to. I finally just threw myself down the stairs knowing once I reach the end to my room I'd be falling onto straight concrete (or whatever basement floor is made of this shit is hard asf tho) thinking that they'd finally take what I was saying serious. Then it ended with me being alone in my room scared to look at my phone cause I didn't wanna see how long I was knocked out for

I was still so scared when I woke up. It was like I could feel my shoulder hurting from me doing that to myself. I wish I could just go back this shit is so exhausting it's not even funny

#vent #dph addiction afterstuff

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I feel so bad the only reason I haven't gotten some more pills atp is cause I don't have the money to get enough to od on. I still miss the high tbh but I am replaying the whole event (what I can remember of those days anyway) sitting there wishing I didn't say anything. Now everyone is staring. Ik I'd hurt my friends/family worse if they feel like they were watching over me to make sure I don't try it again.. only for me to do it right under their nose. More implications that way. But I can't stop mentally begging to go back. I fucking hate this

#vent #dph addiction

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I didn't think I'd really need to come back here after everything. It's so stupid. My dad has given me my own weed and it is way stronger than the pills. So many different ways it affects me. But I've been mostly sober since the attempt that started all this. Ig partially out of respect.. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to my parents if I continue my junkie ways after they had to listen to me scream and yell about how I felt trapped and then when things open up, boom still doing it

I dunno if that makes sense tbh.. lemme know ik I suck at explaining things correctly.

Anyway I've been sober 99% of the time since. I kinda don't like smoking as much now. It made my teeth hurt and I hallucinate when I get high. It's nothing crazy no where near as vivid the dph hallucinations get ofc. Tho it still scares me so bad. It can range anywhere to a few small & constant noises that makes everything hard to hear unless I'm focusing to hallucinations that put me in a state of delusion. I get so scared about ts I can't move. 9 times out of 10 I get this weird feeling someone or something is there and if I make a sound they'll come up to me. Those are the worst feeling ones dude I know there's no reason for me to assume anything is there but I just stiff up and cry as quietly as I can until I can work up the courage to check if they're "still there"

I used to do that when I was coming down from benadryl actually. I'd be too forgetful to be scared of anything like that mid high but all hell broke once it was wearing off

It makes me so annoyed. It makes me wonder if that's something I'll just have to deal with from here on or should I just stay sober from here on and hope for the best. It all makes me miss the pills so fucking bad. I was taking those for so long and it just felt like I knew pretty much anyway they'd effect me atp. It was straightforward

Dph made my heartbeat harder -> also made my heart sore when I'm not on it

The pills dehydrated me -> annnd if I took it too far, I'd go acidic and jaundice (which im ngl happened way more often than I wanted to admit.. when I tried to od again in December I was quite literally neon!)

Taking so many at once making my stomach have to dissolve anywhere from four to high twenties worth of pills at a time -> which led my stomach to get irritated and eager to get that shit out and made various issues there

But now? What. I don't even have anyway to measure so it's just a thing of.. o guess it kicked in, ig I can't hear rn. Oop dang ig I got too high now I physically have to focus on not freaking out over something that is not fucking happening. Oh what ig these stupid fucking edibles make my head hurt instead of making me high. Fun!!

I'm so over this shit. Im trying so hard to stay away. I didn't like dph after a while. You can scroll back and see so many things I hated about it. And yet I think about it every single day. I miss it so much. I used to be able to take a few pills and then poof blank out for a little while. As long as I took care after the fact, I'd be mostly fine. But now I have to deal with the unpredictability of my own mind or whatever nonsense I have to feel when I smoke/eat edibles

R has been really bumpy for me too. I don't know why like.. I've really been happy about our friendship lately. I feel like seeing how fucked up I had to be to my parents to make them listen gave me a new appreciation for her. I haven't blown up at her in a while but omfg I've done it a lot throughout our time together. Tho, she's still here for me. Nothing really changed. And I love her for that. I'm really just a random person online fr. At any point she could just decide she's fed up with me and ghost. But she endured my nonsense and still pushed me to look at things different. I never know how to bring that up without sounding like it's a romantic thing

Which has been eating at me so bad as of late. I don't know what th I feel towards her. If im still in love I wouldn't be shocked but it feels different from how I felt before the whole blowup a lil bit after she broke up with her ex. She's my safe space but she is also kinda fucked up to me sometimes. But I really can't help myself. I still worry about her all the time, I genuinely try to know everything and anything going on with her wherever possible, and I let so much go unspoken not blowing up and trying to keep her perspective in mind where I can.. I want her to not have to worry sm I hate that my presence has become a double edged sword. I love her so much it's become overbearing and hard to hide. I know it makes her feel pressure to hide stuff to keep up appearances/impressions. Shit sucks. It makes me feel like I'm in a parent's position atp..

Tho all that being said I feel like she still interprets my actions as some elaborate way to make her like me. Or me tryna be nice so that she falls in love with me. Some shit. And ik that sounds so paranoid and baseless but its been a pattern atp.

Everytime I get cheery and tryna treat her like ya know, my best friend, its like she takes that shit diff and mentions her ex as a way to tell me to back off. And I don't get it. Like no dummy I'm not excitedly talking about shit to lure you in YOU ARE MY FRIEND. MY CLOSESTTT. I know that she won't judge me for me and since she knows me so well, I rarely have to give too much of a backstory to talk about anything. It's nice. And I guess I abuse that privilege a lot. Maybe I should be better about not running to her about everything. But then like me being concerned and interested about what she's up to makes her do it as well. She briefly got with someone else (they've already broken up she ain't getting a codename 🥴) and I noticed her using her for that purpose too for a bit. Well. Before she got annoyed with her existence lolol

But yeah anyway like.. has that pattern already been there and I haven't noticed? Am I overthinking this action too hard and twisting it? It's frustrating me so bad cause I don't get why she interprets it like that. Am I just so oblivious I don't see how obviously in love I am and she's tryna push me out of that...? Or is she being self destructive and can't view my love as anything but manipulation.

Confessing to her has become one of my biggest regrets. It changed so much I hate myself for believing I was in lala land. Stupid fucking girl. All I could see was how much I liked talking wth her and it just slipped out. I didn't realize just how many fucking consequences it'd bring after the fact. I feel like im constantly dancing around shit. I wish I never said anything. Im so tired of having to study my every action to make sure I don't seem too eager to speak. I forget it happened some days but it feels like that's all she sees me as. I don't understand what to do atp. I don't want to lose her, we are completely ride or die aside from this. But my GOD I CANT TAKE IT. I feel like it's become such a giant elephant and it's going to rift everything once it's brought up. I don't want to piss her off and lose her for good

Between her and my ex.. I lowkey think I'm done with the whole romance thing this feeling is the absolute worst. Any time I express that myself in that way I come out of it feeling so stupid. It stings so much worse this time around. Least with my ex even though the shit only lasted a few months IT HAPPENED. I feel crazy feeling this exact same stupid feeling with someone I haven't even dated before. And for me to feel WORSE.. HOW?? I've avoided dating specifically so I wouldn't feel this way and then I stumbled and did the shit AGAIN! Let myself fall into even deeper feelings with someone that didn't even like me. Again. And I'm stinging worse than I ever was before. Crazy. I hope I never like anyone again.

I've been feeling blank as of late. Even with my family life improving and my health improving I still feel empty. The same I did before. It feels like now I'm performing a different role, but still feel the same. It felt so good to have everything in the open and finally dropping dph for good (probably) originally. But I really feel no better now that the dust has settled. Everything just shifted some

I try to be more open and honest about myself and what I feel but the central issues I don't know how to express. It feels unfair to air that shit out to R, my family or any of my friends since I know I won't believe them. It's so easy to say the right thing. So easy to assure me you love me. You care. But do you mean it? Or are you saying it because that's what you're "expected" to say and do? I dont trust a word out any of their mouths when it comes to shit like that. Looking at their unconscious actions and how and what they say feels like the most honest view of their thoughts. And a whole lot of that made me feel the way I feel. What's words going to fix when I can physically SEEE AND HEAR all the shit proving otherwise replaying in my head? Why listen to you try to cover your own ass when the evidence is already there? We both see the cards on the table. There's no point trying to sway me into looking at them different.

But I feel bad not being able to shake that sense. I know part of my thinking is irrational. It's fucked up I can't listen and change my view. It's like theyre speaking to a brick wall. It's almost like they can never fuck up since I can't let ts go once I've noticed it. I try to keep myself together because of that. I hate the grandiose acting I have to do to get through the day

I won't lie. I really sit there and wish I would've died that day. It's like ever since that last time ever since I got all my ducks in a row and decided I'm okay with no taking part in life, it suddenly made everything feel tedioussss. It gets on my nerves so bad I've been so angry. I wish I would've just kept my mouth shut and let things finally crumble down on its own so I could be left to pop pills til I either got it right and ended myself or guzzle em until I fucked myself up so bad I'd die without my intervention 💀💀

None of this seems to be worth it and I'm kinda over it. I made my decision. It fucking sucks that I'm still being forced along this stupid junk when I already decided it was all worthless. I wish I could hide away and just stop participating in society. Never talk again. Never play another game. Never spend a single cent. Just total isolation. I wish all the games I play were single player so no one would think to chat with me while we're playing. I wish the world was filled with robots so that I could go in and out of a store without thinking bout if the employees are thinking I'm stealing or wondering if anyone thinks I look as cool as I think I look

I wish it were just a lil bubble just for me. Go into a store, grab what I want, walk out. Dress up anywhere and take 10000 pictures that no one'll see. But idc cause i look so prettyyy and I like seeing myself in all my cute lil outfits. Eat what I want and how weirdly I want without people looking at me crazy. I swear it's all doable but it all feels like I'd have to completely ignore the outside world for me to be happy. Even shit like having to say good morning to my parents or thank you to someone holding the door open for me pisses me off. When I'm not in the mood for speaking, I aint in the mood for any and all speaking no matter how small. And lately uh it's been all I feeling

I don't know why I don't feel the motivation to try to kill myself again. Ig I don't even care enough to atp. I've been so over it now. I've been feeling kinda apathetic to everything to a degree. Not that it hasn't been nice to have clarity on everything. But I don't care to fix any of it anymore. I was done that day i tried to kill myself you know? Being here still didn't really change anything in my perspective. If I had a button right in front of me that'd instantly end me 100% guaranteed I'd put on a nice lil outfit then push that shit with a swiftness

I'd be shocked if don't end up relapsing atp. I'm tired of thinking

#dph addiction #dph #benadryl #diphenhydramine #vent #excessively long

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