#so im listening to buttercup by hippo campus instead

[another-emotional-wreck]

i cant wait to leave this house lmao

#it's honestly not even that bad compared to some people I know #shit some of my friends have way worse situations that mine #but im so tired of having to take care of everything all the time #and being so sad and anxious and stressed #i just wanna be able to be a teenager and enjoy what little time I have left in high school #its not fair cause everyone around me gets to just be normal #even my own fucking siblings #whole time this seasonal depression is kicking my black ass and it feels like I cant even fully explain it to anyone #and i wanna cry about it but the tears literally wont come out lmao #so im listening to buttercup by hippo campus instead #which kinda helps ngl #but everything thats happened lately #idk ive been tryna stay okay for the past few years and between the depression and (likely) autism it's taking such a huge toll #i feel like my brain needs to throw up or something #even my best friend doesnt seem to get it and ik its not her job to provide me with therapy or anything and that shes trying #but i feel so fucking lonely lmao #and my moms birthday was this past Saturday so that was a thing #idk #i just wanna sleep for a really long time i think #cause rn i feel like my mental state is close to how it was freshman year and i actually don't think ill make it if i end up back there #lolz #anywhoo #im totally being dramatic its all good #lee rants #lee rambles

[designdiscontent]

Consumption 9/11

Day 7

alright to start off this post I’m going to just say I was in a “mood” today. As someone who struggled with severe depression and is just recently coming out of it I have been coming out of a lot of bad habits. These habits went out of control for most of the second semester last year and over the summer. They are now A LOT better (for example I just smoke one or two bowls a day now instead of smoking all day). Which is why I don’t see my smoking as being a problem most day even though I do it more often than is probably healthy. 

to continue I have been successfully going to all of my classes sober which has been helping a lot with my school work. This is what I have not been consuming. To make up for it I have been drinking an absurd amount of Mountain dew (at least one can a day) which is about 5 a week more than I would like to drink. So I woke up today and I made myself a peanut butter jelly sandwich. I listened to the Nothing But Theaves album again on the way to class (and from). While at class I drank my Mountain Dew, regretted it immediately. I woke up in a bad mood from something that had happened the night before and during class I was just waiting for it to be over and not really consuming the information about fonts I should have been in typography. 

Fast forward a few hours of me angstily sitting in my room listening to the same album and smoking at least two bowls. This is a bad because up until now I had been mostly pretty good about not smoking until after my classwork is done. And I definitely had a lot of classwork left to do. My friend Helen eventually convinces me to go to the free Hippo Campus concert with her at the US Bank Stadium so I take a few pulls of whisky in hopes it will make me enjoy the concert. We only got to see the second half but I still enjoyed it enough. Not as much as I would have liked to but I already saw them just over a week ago so I was not too upset. I still got to hear my favorite song Buttercup and jam to it for that so it was not a complete waste. 

I get home from that. I eat the meal plan that my house gets Mondays-Thursdays at 5pm. Todays meal: potatoes, gravy (with meat), salad, bread. I went for seconds. 7pm mondays means its frat meeting time which i was not in the mood for today. Before we even get into the room I see a vending machine with Mello Yellow in it. I ignore it at first but then there is an unreal amount of free candy from our sweetheart in the room so I immediately thought, what would go great with this candy? That Mello Yellow I just saw. So that was my second soda of the day. 

One song stuck out to me at the concert. One of Hippo Campus’s old songs I never really listened to named South. I am now listening to the Nothing But Thieves album with that mixed in. While I listen I read the two articles for this class which I left for last minute for some dumb reason. When Im done my roommate and I eat some leftover potatoes and then I smoke a bowl and listen to more music. Im kind of sick of Big Brother 5 because its so old but Im going to finish it out of principle. I’ll probably watch that tonight but 2004 video quality of the show is so bad it kind of gives me a headache.