#so I’m behaving myself

[janeirl]

starting off pride month with mike “i’d like whatever eddie’s having” wheeler

#so serious when i ask why tf did the camera focus so much on mike & his gay admiration and not dustin’s who’s gonna spend more time w eddie. #riddle me that #it served ”he makes me feel comfortable as myself and i’m so enticed by everything he does” and left w the universal celeb crush experience #ngl i could write an essay on how the hellfire club makes mike feel he can be himself more #vs how he behaved after leaving for cali. like honestly i feel for him #twyla moment #mike wheeler #eddie munson #st4 spoilers

[humanrinds]

#i’m trying so hard to behave myself right now #corey taylor #slipknot

[goldkirk]

It is so incredible to be able to leave a situation, center and ground myself, and start recovering my energy, mental focus, and peace within minutes to an hour. What other people said or did wasn’t about me, I behaved well myself, I let things roll off as much as possible during the situation, and as soon as it was over I started doing nervous system first aid. What a difference living this way makes. Life is so much more peaceful when you actually protect boundaries, keep perspective, and care for yourself while properly in tune with your needs.

#right now I need slow breathing and Enya #yesterday I needed two hours straight of EDM and jump dancing #and I clocked BOTH of those things so my body and brain are much happier #I could’ve been burnt out and stressed and partly dissociated this weekend #but I’m NOT GONNA BE #and it was that simple. just knowing what to do and checking in with myself #frequently enough to know when I need it. #imagine if I learned how to do this in grade school!!! I’m so happy some kids get to grow up like this #and have the freedom and tools from their caregivers to actually do it right too #that number of kids is increasing every year and in a couple generations it’s gonna be a LOT #we’re so fucking lucky guys #we get to be alive at a real turning point in how humanity views and treats small humans #and how those small humans behave and live when they grow up #the world is going to become so much more beautiful #and it’s already pretty cool despite the unresolved anger and pain most of us currently live with #personal #trauma recovery

[felinemotif]

it’s been about half a day and my older cat still seems to be sick :( think he’s actually getting worse so i’ll have to take him to the vet first thing in the am

#keep frantically googling and being told it can be anything as minor as him not agreeing with new food to a blockage which can be fatal #so atp i’m just scaring myself and need to stay off of google #but god i’m so worried abt him #vet doesn’t open until 7:30 am #looking around to see if there’s one that will open sooner but i don’t know #thought he was getting better bc he perked up and started to drink and stretch but it’s been like an hour and now he’s back to behaving odd #🐈‍⬛

[mrs-han]

A continuation of this piece ♥️

Winter had come.

Standing outside of the C&R building, Jumin thanked himself for choosing to leave work early. Assistant Kang had… some words of protest, but he couldn’t miss this.

The first snow of the season.

Strolling languidly down the nearly empty sidewalk, Jumin lifted his head. Gray skies matching the color of his eyes, he had forgotten just how much he missed being in nature. Since your departure, he had purposely kept himself hidden away in his office, only coming out for meetings and to occasionally go home.

It was too painful for him to open the doors of the penthouse and feel, hear, and smell traces of you left behind. Jumin left Elizabeth the Third in V’s custody, an action that concerned V greatly.

But Jumin insisted that he needed to be alone.

Which was a lie. He needed you.

Stopping to take a breath, Jumin reached into his pocket and fiddled with his phone briefly. Maybe you had texted him in the short journey from his office to the great outdoors.

No such luck.

The image of your smiling face almost seemed to be mocking him now. As if you were taunting him; Look and see. I’m so much happier now that I’m away from you.

Jaw clenching, Jumin closed his eyes. No, he needed to stop his intrusive thoughts from manifesting into something he couldn’t control. There was no reason for him to be bitter or angry. He respected your decision. He respected your space, your journey, your choices. If those choices meant you needed to start an entirely new course, then…

Of course he would support you.

Thick snowflakes fell slowly around Jumin, immediately dissipating as soon as they landed on the warmth of his hand. Lifting his eyes to the sky, he felt a sense of calm and wave of loneliness bunched together.

It was tradition; Jumin would take the day off as soon as snow was announced to fall on the weather channel.

You would make two ginormous mugs of hot chocolate with a dash of Hawaiian coffee mixed in while he would gather pillows and blankets from the living room closet.

When you’d step outside, he would immediately wrap two blankets around you, and you’d argue that you only needed him to stay warm while plopping onto his lap.

And when you’d start to ramble about the shape of clouds and their meanings, he would sneakily wrap the same two blankets around you and listen until you fell asleep against him, a mustache of hot chocolate foam on your upper lip.

Jumin’s exhale created a cloud around him, one that travelled far beyond what his eyes could see. “If I had known that this would happen, I would have held you much tighter. I would have kissed you much longer. I would have done… anything.”

Defeat, loneliness, confusion, and hope — each emotion tied themselves around his neck, compressing his shuddering breaths.

This was why he didn’t want to be left alone in his thoughts — this was why he fought to keep his mind preoccupied. You were his undoing. You were his trigger. And you were the love of his life.

Desperate for a distraction before losing his mind completely, Jumin walked briskly towards the C&R building. He needed to get inside. He needed to get back to work.

Stopping to wipe his eyes and rub his face to regain some semblance of feeling, he looked up briefly. And his arms fell limply to his sides.

He could recognize you anywhere. A thick, puffy jacket hugged your body. A knit cap covered your ears and forehead. The same scarf you had stolen from him was wrapped round your neck.

You stood perfectly still, so still that Jumin thought he was hallucinating. And then, you started walking towards him.

Unsure of what to do and say, all Jumin could do was watch as you moved closer, closer to him. His heart hammered in his chest, his cheeks and ears flushed a soft pink. He had to be dreaming. This wasn’t real. No, perhaps he was mistaken; the way you dressed was all over magazines, and it wasn’t abnormal for someone to dress like you —

“Jumin?”

“I’ll get out of your way.” Fixing the flaps of his coat he quickened his pace and brushed by you. Jumin didn’t mean to be rude; he didn’t know what to do.

You grabbed hold of your husband’s arm; invisible boundaries were being crossed, you knew. Jumin seemed to know, too; while he didn’t yank his arm away from you, he seemed very tense.

“Jumin…” you tried again, voice trembling from the cold. “I… I wanted to…” your breath escaped you. “… How are you…?”

Jumin turned, the look in his eyes making you regret your first words to him.

“I’m… I’m fine.” The breeze picked up, drowning out the powerful man’s otherwise distinctive voice. As if nature itself told him to be completely honest.

“… Please don’t lie to me,” you pleaded softly, instinctively wrapping your other arm around his. “Then… be honest, please. How are you?”

Facing you, Jumin tenderly shook your hold on his arm and briefly smiled. “You went on a journey of self care, and yet, you still forget to wear gloves on a night as cold as this one.”

You stepped much closer to him as he took your hands and rubbed them vigorously. A blush crept upon your already rosy cheeks as he moved your hands to his mouth, exhaling the warmest air you had known.

The sensation made you jittery, shaking in place and letting out a nervous laugh. Jumin’s eyes moved from your fingers to you, not at all helping your current state.

“Let me ask this first.” Jumin didn’t release your hands; instead, his grip tightened. “Has your journey brought you back to me? Or has it…”

His voice caught in his throat. Closing his eyes to regain his thoughts and sense of control, he knew he couldn’t do it. He was far too weak for you, and he would always be.

Taking a step forward, you tried your best to keep from crying. But those crystalline tears slid from your eyes anyway.

“No,” Jumin uttered heedlessly, terrified of your answer. “No, please. Please, don’t leave me.”

“W… What…?”

“Forgive me, I —” the pain on his face showed you more than his words could tell. Still, his stormy eyes connected with yours. “I want you to do what is best for yourself. So please. Please tell me I am one of those forces of good. If not, I’ll… no. No, I don’t want to think of any other alternatives. Not now.”

Shaking your head, your tears felicitously landed on Jumin’s person. He didn’t know what to do, or say, or think —

“I’ve missed you so much.”

He didn’t expect that. No, Jumin believed you had made it all this way to tell him that you needed to part ways with him. That, he wasn’t good for you anymore. Even while he braced himself for it, he still wasn’t ready for it.

“I must have confused you so much,” you spoke, hesitant hands squeezing his. “And I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know, only if you agree to take me back into your arms.”

Jumin’s cheeks changed from a soft pink to dark boysenberry. He had no words. Instead, he pressed his forehead calmly against yours and pulled you much, much closer to himself.

You hiccuped close to his ear - he was so overjoyed by the sound that his hands reached down, cupping your face and holding you for the first time in months.

His thumb swiping the tears flowing from your eyes, Jumin’s heart was ready to jump out of his chest and make its residence with you. “Shh… I’m here, my darling.”

Those simple words strengthened the inner glow you had worked so hard to attain.

#mystic messenger #jumin han #mein schatz #i hadn’t seriously considered my relationship with a fictional man so intensely as I did last year #but I realize that I truly came at it all wrong. #instead of enjoying him — I found ways to invalidate myself #i compared myself so much to this man that I want to laugh? but I’m not quite there yet 😅 #and I relied far too much on how others perceived him #and I beat myself up terribly for not engaging or behaving a certain way #i see now that I was still trying to find myself and figure myself out. #and I hid behind Jumin for y e a r s. #and I’m not where I want to be in terms of self confidence #but I’m a hell of a lot more confident than I was a few months ago. #and Jumin will still be around. as the comfort character he was designed to be. #I’ll tell you this. #RP is a curse that I will honestly never partake in again. 🥂 #SoundCloud

[lightspren]

Ok so I keep freaking out about if I can actually do this dog thing, if I’m actually enough. I love this dog dearly but i’m so exhausted all the time and that’s made worse this weekend by being sick. and I know that love is not enough to give a dog what she needs to be happy and healthy.

however. look. my big concerns are not being able to give her the exercise and stimulation she needs and wanting to be able to just Chill and cuddle my spouse and cats in calmness. and like. she’s almost certainly a great pyrenees mix. Relatively (as in, relative to other dogs I like, aka shepherds), she doesn’t need that much exercise. A good run in the yard a few times a day should do her, especially once she’s not so much of a puppy. And that’s the thing too— she’s a puppy. She’s excitable and chewy and a Lot because she’s 12mos old and still growing up. that takes time. and the cats are unhappy and won’t come cuddle— because she’s been here four days! they’re still adjusting!

i really need to take a step back and calm down. four days is not long enough to throw in the towel on this. she’s a puppy and we’re all adjusting but there is room in our lives for her. we can do this. i just need to fucking chill for maybe like five minutes and understand that this is an adjustment for the humans too, and that’s okay. I just need to chill.

#kit talks #she’s such a good dog y’all don’t even understand #she is SUCH a well behaved dog to both be a rescue from neglect and still a puppy (albeit an older puppy) #she’s a sweet and good girl and i just need to calm down and not be a perfectionist #this was a godawful time to get sick bc it’s shit my ability to cope with little things all to hell #i owe it to her and to myself to give it some time though. just have to give it some time #anyway i have like ten minutes til i have to get ready for work then i have GOT to try to not think about the dog today #so i don’t start crying at work lmfao #i’ll have enough to deal with due to still being sick and catching up from yesterday sigh #also i am increasingly sure she is def a pyr mix #she doesn’t have the long fur but the shape is there and the behaviors #quite territorial - not towards us or the cats but anyone who even looks at our property #very fucking stubborn. just Sits and Won’t Move if she doesn’t wanna do something #keep trying to train her and she looks at me like she completely understands what i mean by ‘down’ #and just thinks it’s stupid and not worth the measley little treat i’m offering #and yet quite smart and likes puzzles and incredibly affectionate #still undecided what she’s mixed WITH but pyr seems very accurate

[paaopalpoerepr33]

I like my new friends and I get so impatient about wanting to see more of them but I think that’s a good thing like… wow! If I’m patient I get to continue to keep knowing them that is friendship and I get to watch this unfold every week for like two years!! This is fun!!

#do want to chat for hours and hours but I’m a big girl now we all have tasks to get back to so just brief fun moments that build over time #this is the best thing: consistency and taking it easy #not pits of passion that fizzle out #it very seldom lasts that way #I need to behave myself and remember what I need to do

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Me: [hates talking to people over the phone because it’s awkward and makes me anxious]

Also me: [has witnessed multiple people experiencing extremely painful, gory, and/or life-threatening events and only felt a mild sense of curiosity and ”Wow! If I don’t (help them)/(feign empathy) right now I’ll look like a bad person.”

#It’s weird #I’ve drilled it into myself to help people so much that it’s become instinctual and I’m not entirely sure what motivates me #I’d say it’s a desire for recognition but I still do good things when no one is watching… unless subconsciously I believe in god? #I don’t really care about anything anymore but I still behave like I do. #Like a plane continuing to run on autopilot after the pilot and co-pilot have both died in the cockpit #I don’t even necessarily care about people all the time; I just care about doing a good job at something deemed “morally correct” #even if I do care about the people the urge to “correctly” complete tasks is still foremost in my mind #which can backfire and cause me to do something that hurts instead of helps because I misinterpreted what someone wanted me to do #which will then only make me feel bad because “people will hate me because I look like an evil sadistic idiot” #vent tw #I accidentally responded with the stock “Good… How are you?” to my aunt directly following the death of my cousin #She was PISSED (rightfully so) #But people never ask that question genuinely; so I never answer genuinely. #If however I were to answer genuinely; I’d say I feel like a steaming pile of goose poo. Every single time. #but that’s not socially acceptable so I just say “Good” as a rule no matter what… I could be bleeding out and say the same thing #And I ask them how they’re feeling so the conversation doesn’t seem one-sided #(even though it is; I’m just spitting their own words back at them) #and I get rewarded for my minimal-effort conversational skills by being placed into MORE social settings I despise with all my being

[padfootastic]

For the ask thing - thoughts on jegulus as a ship? I dont think i ever saw you talk about it

ooooh there’s a good reason for that lol

jegulus just really, really annoys me and i’ve been trying to stop myself from shitting on it publicly no matter how much i’ve been tempted recently bc of some truly terrible takes bc it’s got a really temperamental fandom and i don’t wanna tempt their ire towards me lol

i will say tho, not commenting on the ship itself, but part of its fandom’s habit of minimising regulus’ actions/personality/death-eateriness for the sake of their conscience has resulted in some truly bizarre evolution of his character/relationships & some impressive cognitive dissonance.

Send me an ask with ‘thoughts on ___’

#i feel like i’m already too close to the fire with the r/s commentary #and j*gulus is on par w that one in terms of invoking frustration #for slightly different reasons #so i’ve been trying to exercise some restrain for as long as i can lol #i’m sure there’ll come a time when i’ll just get way too annoyed and make a rant post #and inevitably get myself in hot water #but until then i’ll enjoy the leave and lovely anons 💀 #enjoy the peace* #it will never not baffle me how a death eater fandom can be so rigidly puritan? #maybe bc older death eaters attract a diff demographic? 🤔 and this one is more of the younger mwpp? #whatever the reason tho—the way i’ve seen them behave online towards not just others but their own creators is off putting and kinda scary #ask game #pen’s asks

[ahalal-uralma]

I think I could not be happier than to find out Heather O’Rourke might be getting the justice she’s long overdue, but who knows! Praying hard for her everyday.

#personal #text #I have so much I could vent about but I’m behaving myself

[cursingtoji]

something weird happened after i got covid, i was pretty okay with contracting on shows or books or even classes (halfway at least) but since a year ago i can’t even watch a 40 minute episode anymore without pausing it to google someone completely unrelated to the show

#i hate going to the doctor but i might seriously need some medication #the worst thing is that i actually want to watch the show #but i caught myself drifting so many times #an episode can last one hour with me cause i keep rewind it #tw adhd #i don’t think it’s adhd really #cause i’m not hyperactive in any sense #and i was a pretty behaved kid #so i don’t think adhd can just develop like this #— chatting break 💬

[void-tiger]

Well…if there’s one (1) good thing about having a crush, it’s that when I’m (for the moment anyway) not worrying about the other person’s boundaries and terror about whether I’ve stomped on them or not + my own frustration at how slow things are to just communicate verbally and directly instead of constantly dancing around nonverbal reads (that are two-way, I suppose but still no substitute, can still mean just about anything)…

…yeah. I do let myself be selfish. Acknowledge what I want instead of burying it so deeply away from my consciousness to not “take up space” I suppose. Finally give myself some damn permission to fall in love with another person “despite” being ace, and “despite” being chronically ill and struggling with my mental health.

And what is it I want?

To feel cared for. Cherished. By someone here. To wake up and have someone greet me with a gentle embrace mindful of the constant chronic pain especially in the mornings to not accidentally pinch things, but not treating me like glass, either. To be given autonomy instead of having it taken away—to do things together, FUN things, without being made to feel guilty about that “taking away” spoons from chores or “well why won’t you just work a job then!” but also respecting my need to rest periodically or take a longer rest after the fact.

To feel heard. To trust that there’s love enough for us to disagree and feel angry and frustrated and sad around eachother and with eachother without judgement, without the risk that things are forever one disagreement or misunderstanding away from falling apart completely or worse.

And please tease me. Teasing is a love language just as much as communication and encouragement and acts of service and finally being held. It’s verbal play, and I trust you to not bully me.

And…I’ve shown as much as I can, I think. I know you’re trying to mirror at least some of it. And I think I’m reading you correctly, but I wish I understood why you seem so terrified to talk directly to me.

#tiger’s musing #screw it. ‘don’t say i’m in love’ or whatever #and well. it will fade eventually. and I am very practiced at Behaving and keeping my feelings to myself #legit always have to do that the very few times I’m liked someone This Ain’t ‘Just’ Platonic Is It #because…guess what. the other person’s comfort and boundaries matters more to me #and friendships aren’t a ‘consolation prize.’ they’re the Good Shit #it’s…just that much harder when there isn’t that Direct Communication With Frequency for me #…bUT!! if he didn’t like me…why does he keep looking at me Like That?! #…right. hang in there for a few more weeks. I did hand over a script as.. #…yeah. wonder if he realized /he’s/ the reason I finally found my nerve to write it the way I want #and for all my current ‘will you just RELAX and TALK to me yET?!’ frustration? he’s my muse for joseph! #I needed to see what a GOOD man even remotely looks like just as much as I needed someone like him #to accidentally or intentionally show interest (look. if ya gripe about wanting to do something. PUBLICALLY #(and it’s within my skills to make it available. guess what. I’m gonna call your bluff #(I’m too much of a writer and actress. if I see Checkov’s Gun I’m firing it!) #…does he realize that I basically told everyone off for pressuring him via social media and semi privately? #that the only reason why I started using facebook again was to get people to leave him alone? #(who knows. but that + him…kinda witnessing just How Bad my mental health is? is…when I think there was a turning point. maybe. probably.) #…I suck at socializing in Initial Stages. so much. it’s so uncomfortable #but…screw it. I’ve learned that I’ll use what power I have to change environments and make opportunities #even when it’s (deeply) uncomfortable for me to do so #…because sometimes you gotta blink first to make someone else feel safe. and hopefully latch onto that #and…yeah. guess I am patient. but also griping the entire time

[its-monster-mash]

Everybody wish me luck on the Apartment plan because if we get it my cousin and I are going to turn the spare bedroom into a room to do physical art, and I have the best Idea for a GIANT painting.

I want to paint Bo and Vincent as Icarus (one of those paintings where you can flip it upside down and it will be right side up of the other character); they’ll each have one wing.

I want to layer wax on the canvas to sculpt the wings three dimensionally.

It will be the greatest physical art undertaking I’ve ever done, and I’m so excited to try that it feels like my rib cage is vibrating lol

(When I do a digital sketch of the painting concept I will post it here)

RIP me if we get that apartment because I am 100% going to get too much into mixed media paint and wax art when I actually have space to experiment. I used to drip red wax like “blood” over certain art pieces, but I haven’t created physical art in so long. My child is starting school next year so I will have 8 hours a day to work on my various arts and I am going to SPIRAL. I can’t wait. Præy Villain Era. I want to order a hoodie with pictures of that painting printed on the sleeves. Maybe brambles embroidered around the wrists to represent Bo’s scars. OOH I COULD DO THAT ON THE ACTUAL PAINTING SCULPTED IN WAX. Ahhhhhh I am excited.

#mypost #god I am so fucking excited #I hope we get that apartment #I’ll never forget the last time my cousin and I had an apartment(we grew up almost like siblings; they are my best friend) #they came home from work one day to see that I had covered my ENTIRE FACE in candle wax (I had NOT seen House of Wax; that was just my behav #and I just fucking SMILED AT THEM AND THE MASK CRACKED AND IT WAS THE CREEPIEST FUCKING THING #I was very pleased with myself #yesterday my cousin said that if a S/O did that to Bo he’d be so fucking scared that Vincent decided to kill them until they fucking smiled #and I’m like ‘And then he would yell for an hour about how that was NOT fucking okay’ #We both have very bad Sinclair BRAINROT right now #they said that Vincent would be like ‘Why the fuck did you waste my wax??’