#RP is a curse that I will honestly never partake in again. 🥂

[mrs-han]

A continuation of this piece ♥️

Winter had come.

Standing outside of the C&R building, Jumin thanked himself for choosing to leave work early. Assistant Kang had… some words of protest, but he couldn’t miss this.

The first snow of the season.

Strolling languidly down the nearly empty sidewalk, Jumin lifted his head. Gray skies matching the color of his eyes, he had forgotten just how much he missed being in nature. Since your departure, he had purposely kept himself hidden away in his office, only coming out for meetings and to occasionally go home.

It was too painful for him to open the doors of the penthouse and feel, hear, and smell traces of you left behind. Jumin left Elizabeth the Third in V’s custody, an action that concerned V greatly.

But Jumin insisted that he needed to be alone.

Which was a lie. He needed you.

Stopping to take a breath, Jumin reached into his pocket and fiddled with his phone briefly. Maybe you had texted him in the short journey from his office to the great outdoors.

No such luck.

The image of your smiling face almost seemed to be mocking him now. As if you were taunting him; Look and see. I’m so much happier now that I’m away from you.

Jaw clenching, Jumin closed his eyes. No, he needed to stop his intrusive thoughts from manifesting into something he couldn’t control. There was no reason for him to be bitter or angry. He respected your decision. He respected your space, your journey, your choices. If those choices meant you needed to start an entirely new course, then…

Of course he would support you.

Thick snowflakes fell slowly around Jumin, immediately dissipating as soon as they landed on the warmth of his hand. Lifting his eyes to the sky, he felt a sense of calm and wave of loneliness bunched together.

It was tradition; Jumin would take the day off as soon as snow was announced to fall on the weather channel.

You would make two ginormous mugs of hot chocolate with a dash of Hawaiian coffee mixed in while he would gather pillows and blankets from the living room closet.

When you’d step outside, he would immediately wrap two blankets around you, and you’d argue that you only needed him to stay warm while plopping onto his lap.

And when you’d start to ramble about the shape of clouds and their meanings, he would sneakily wrap the same two blankets around you and listen until you fell asleep against him, a mustache of hot chocolate foam on your upper lip.

Jumin’s exhale created a cloud around him, one that travelled far beyond what his eyes could see. “If I had known that this would happen, I would have held you much tighter. I would have kissed you much longer. I would have done… anything.”

Defeat, loneliness, confusion, and hope — each emotion tied themselves around his neck, compressing his shuddering breaths.

This was why he didn’t want to be left alone in his thoughts — this was why he fought to keep his mind preoccupied. You were his undoing. You were his trigger. And you were the love of his life.

Desperate for a distraction before losing his mind completely, Jumin walked briskly towards the C&R building. He needed to get inside. He needed to get back to work.

Stopping to wipe his eyes and rub his face to regain some semblance of feeling, he looked up briefly. And his arms fell limply to his sides.

He could recognize you anywhere. A thick, puffy jacket hugged your body. A knit cap covered your ears and forehead. The same scarf you had stolen from him was wrapped round your neck.

You stood perfectly still, so still that Jumin thought he was hallucinating. And then, you started walking towards him.

Unsure of what to do and say, all Jumin could do was watch as you moved closer, closer to him. His heart hammered in his chest, his cheeks and ears flushed a soft pink. He had to be dreaming. This wasn’t real. No, perhaps he was mistaken; the way you dressed was all over magazines, and it wasn’t abnormal for someone to dress like you —

“Jumin?”

“I’ll get out of your way.” Fixing the flaps of his coat he quickened his pace and brushed by you. Jumin didn’t mean to be rude; he didn’t know what to do.

You grabbed hold of your husband’s arm; invisible boundaries were being crossed, you knew. Jumin seemed to know, too; while he didn’t yank his arm away from you, he seemed very tense.

“Jumin…” you tried again, voice trembling from the cold. “I… I wanted to…” your breath escaped you. “… How are you…?”

Jumin turned, the look in his eyes making you regret your first words to him.

“I’m… I’m fine.” The breeze picked up, drowning out the powerful man’s otherwise distinctive voice. As if nature itself told him to be completely honest.

“… Please don’t lie to me,” you pleaded softly, instinctively wrapping your other arm around his. “Then… be honest, please. How are you?”

Facing you, Jumin tenderly shook your hold on his arm and briefly smiled. “You went on a journey of self care, and yet, you still forget to wear gloves on a night as cold as this one.”

You stepped much closer to him as he took your hands and rubbed them vigorously. A blush crept upon your already rosy cheeks as he moved your hands to his mouth, exhaling the warmest air you had known.

The sensation made you jittery, shaking in place and letting out a nervous laugh. Jumin’s eyes moved from your fingers to you, not at all helping your current state.

“Let me ask this first.” Jumin didn’t release your hands; instead, his grip tightened. “Has your journey brought you back to me? Or has it…”

His voice caught in his throat. Closing his eyes to regain his thoughts and sense of control, he knew he couldn’t do it. He was far too weak for you, and he would always be.

Taking a step forward, you tried your best to keep from crying. But those crystalline tears slid from your eyes anyway.

“No,” Jumin uttered heedlessly, terrified of your answer. “No, please. Please, don’t leave me.”

“W… What…?”

“Forgive me, I —” the pain on his face showed you more than his words could tell. Still, his stormy eyes connected with yours. “I want you to do what is best for yourself. So please. Please tell me I am one of those forces of good. If not, I’ll… no. No, I don’t want to think of any other alternatives. Not now.”

Shaking your head, your tears felicitously landed on Jumin’s person. He didn’t know what to do, or say, or think —

“I’ve missed you so much.”

He didn’t expect that. No, Jumin believed you had made it all this way to tell him that you needed to part ways with him. That, he wasn’t good for you anymore. Even while he braced himself for it, he still wasn’t ready for it.

“I must have confused you so much,” you spoke, hesitant hands squeezing his. “And I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know, only if you agree to take me back into your arms.”

Jumin’s cheeks changed from a soft pink to dark boysenberry. He had no words. Instead, he pressed his forehead calmly against yours and pulled you much, much closer to himself.

You hiccuped close to his ear - he was so overjoyed by the sound that his hands reached down, cupping your face and holding you for the first time in months.

His thumb swiping the tears flowing from your eyes, Jumin’s heart was ready to jump out of his chest and make its residence with you. “Shh… I’m here, my darling.”

Those simple words strengthened the inner glow you had worked so hard to attain.

#mystic messenger #jumin han #mein schatz #i hadn’t seriously considered my relationship with a fictional man so intensely as I did last year #but I realize that I truly came at it all wrong. #instead of enjoying him — I found ways to invalidate myself #i compared myself so much to this man that I want to laugh? but I’m not quite there yet 😅 #and I relied far too much on how others perceived him #and I beat myself up terribly for not engaging or behaving a certain way #i see now that I was still trying to find myself and figure myself out. #and I hid behind Jumin for y e a r s. #and I’m not where I want to be in terms of self confidence #but I’m a hell of a lot more confident than I was a few months ago. #and Jumin will still be around. as the comfort character he was designed to be. #I’ll tell you this. #RP is a curse that I will honestly never partake in again. 🥂 #SoundCloud