#shoko generally feels like shit because this is supposed to be the one thing she can do to help and she /can't/ do it right now to help

[chronicdisasterwrites]

these morons of jujutsu high

pairing: gojo satoru, geto suguru, shoko ieiri and fem!reader

genre + warnings: - this is NOT a poly fic. they’re all just vvv good friends. nanami and haibara were mentioned. mentions of blood, death and general jujutsu kaisen TW stuff. smoking, the word “goddamned” is mentioned. gojo being an idiot lmfao.

overall FLUFF !!

word count: 1219

authors note: so this is just a cute, heartfelt piece about the jjk troublemakers including and reader. i was thinking of making this the intro of a potential series but ✨ let’s see ✨

enjoyyyy <3

Is this really my life?

A question that always lingers in your mind.

Being a jujutsu sorcerer was no walk in the park. Death was a regular occurrence in your line of work. Deaths you anticipated, deaths you caused, deaths of friends, and even deaths of curses. None of them are ever easy to deal with. Nothing about this goddamned job is easy.

The smell of blood is as common to you as the smell of antiseptics is to a doctor. The sound of a curse evaporating into nothingness is ingrained in your brain as the sound of a child's first laughter is ingrained in the minds of their parents. Your hands are used to the touch of the cold steel of your weapons as a guitarist is used to the wood of their guitar.

This is your life. Your weapons are your instruments and the world is your stage. The only difference is, you have the blood of the crowd on your hands every. single. day. The blood of curses, the blood of humans, the blood of your comrades, and the blood of your own body.

How could it be that this life; so full of hurt, pain, despair, regret, fear, loneliness, anxiety, and depression, can also have so much happiness, love, excitement, companionship, adventure, humor, and serenity? That’s life, you suppose. But how can a life like yours have so much love alongside such hatred?

Your friends are the reason, you suppose.

These morons of Jujutsu High.

They feel the same emotions as deeply as you do. They have all felt loss, betrayal, grief, and death as much as you have.

Gojo Satoru had basically been raised as a trophy or a high-value product kept in perfect condition for the world to gawk at with wide eyes and ulterior motives. With the weight of the responsibility of being ‘Strongest’ hanging over his shoulders and daggers and spears pointed at him from every direction, he never had the chance to be a mere child. Which is what he was. Just a child. From birth to the present day, he has had eyes on him with the neon sign labeled ‘Strongest Sorcerer Ever’ blinking over his head. Always on his guard, being wary of who to trust. Not a moment to be a child. Not a moment to be a teenager and certainly not a moment to be an independent adult, free to choose who to love or what to do in life. He only has one thing to do. One obligation he has had since birth. Be the strongest. Throughout the heavens and the earth, he alone is the honored one.

It's a pretty lonely role for one person to bear.

Geto Suguru has kind eyes, a simple smile, and an extremely feared cursed technique; but what that smile and easygoing personality covers is his heart burdened with the horrors he has had to face in his life. He too, was born with the responsibility of using his cursed technique to help people. Born with the ability to absorb curses and later use them as he so desires. Living every day just killing and absorbing something that tastes like a rag covered in vomit and shit. Having to force your oesophagus to open up and force your mind to think of something more delicious whilst absorbing the thing you killed a few minutes ago is all second nature to Geto Suguru. Doesn’t mean it ever gets easier. But the smile comes easily to him and his voice stays soft and stable as his words soothe even those who hate him.

Because Geto Suguru wants to help those who are weak, and he would swallow all the curses necessary in order to do so.

Shoko Ieiri is the epitome of genius. Since she was a child she knew fully how to use the reversed curse technique; the ability to heal oneself and others, a technique even the strongest and most experienced jujutsu sorcerers have trouble mastering. Being so valuable means she has to stay in a lot, or go to missions alone a lot. She doesn’t get to choose missions, doesn’t get to accompany her friends to even ‘potentially’ dangerous locations. Being so valuable, she is the first person every jujutsu sorcerer goes to for healing and rejuvenation. Which also means she has to see a lot of her comrades lie on the steel bed, lifeless and cold and limp. She is the one who has to patch them up and she is the one who has to cut them open. Dealing with death and the aftermath is her job.

That's a lot of death for two eyes to see and two hands to explore.

Meeting them, knowing them, and growing to love them is the most rewarding experience your roller coaster of a life has had to offer by far. Checking out every single cafe Japan has to offer, milking Satoru of all his wealth by going out to eat and Satoru eating the most (ironically), pissing off Yaga-Sensei, celebrating birthdays, arguing and then making up with actions instead of verbal apologies, being the loudest group in every train station, smoke breaks with Shoko and Suguru while hiding away from Satoru, spending sleepless nights under the stars with Satoru, teasing Nanami and Haibara for acting like a 50-year-old married couple, fighting curses and always having each other’s backs. This was your family. However dysfunctional and however small.

So now, sitting in the classroom watching Suguru and Satoru bicker about who knows what this time, with Shoko sitting next to you fiddling around with Satoru’s sunglasses making faces and terrible impressions, bathed in the golden rays flooding the room through the windows as the sun goes down, you ponder the question; is this really your life?

You hear your name being called and the train of thought comes to a halt, as you look up to find honey-gold eyes staring back at you.

“What’re you thinking about so hard?” Suguru asks with his soft eyes and an even softer smile.

“She’s obviously thinking about how right I am and how wrong you are, Suguru,” Satoru interjects with his usual cocky smile and teasing lilt to his voice.

“Yeah, she definitely thinks a seal can beat a hippo in a fight to the death,” Shoko quips with unimpressed eyes and an obviously sarcastic smile.

Satoru slaps his hand on the desk so loudly that the sound reverberates throughout the entire floor you’re on, “HAH! Thank you Shoko, exactly what I’m saying. Of course I’m right.”

He wears an accomplished smile as the sarcasm completely flies over his stupid head.

“Gojo… I was joking. You’re obviously wrong.”

You can almost hear something crack in his head. The sound of disappointment.

“HEY just think about it okay? So a seal-“

As a new chapter of bickering begins between Shoko and Satoru, Suguru nudges your shoulder with a quirk of his eyebrows, silently repeating his previous question.

You look at him, look back at Satoru and Shoko and shake your head with a content smile and a huff of laughter, “Just thinking about life, I guess.”

With a hum and a smile Suguru relaxes on your other side as you both turn your attention to the ongoing argument unravelling before you.

Yeah. This really is my life.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #gojo x reader #geto x reader #shoko x reader #jjk fluff #gojo satoru #geto suguru #shoko ieiri #gojo uses sarcasm but fails to understand it when someone uses it on him #shoko is babygirl #geto is babie boy #nanami and haibara are a certified married couple #yaga wants to die #i love them your honor #jjk x y/n #gojo satoru x reader #geto suguru x reader #shoko ieiri x reader

[starryletters]

gojo; friends to lovers headcanons!

notes : set in 2006, reader being silly and a bit dense, gojo falls first and you fall just as hard , fluff! suguru and shoko mentioned bc i love their friendgroup🫶

a/n : eep my first (published) piece of writing! im so excited, and i hope people like it!!! this isn't the most polished, but i wanted to start off with something a little more simple ( ◡‿◡ *) anywhoo satoru is the boyfriend ever!

you met him when you joined the jujutsu high second years aka geto shoko and gojo!

and gojo IMMEDIATELY decided to annoy the shit out of you

but like in an endearing way (that's what he thought, at least)

surprisingly, you actually found him funny, and bantering with him back and forth quickly became your favorite part of every day.

he really liked how you were able to keep up with him and how easy it was to talk to you about anything and everything. no matter what he had to say, you had a reply (or an insult) ready to go.

satoru's a really physically affectionate person in general and he was over the moon when you didnt seem to mind how he randomly slung his arm around your shoulder or how he liked to fall asleep with his head in your lap. (i could tie to this whole thing to his infinity and talk about how sad it is for someone that shows love through physival affection to experience smth so traumatic that they put a LITERAL barrier between them and others preventing all forms of touch but..i wont!)

it wasn't anything romantic at first! (i love platonic physical affection, okay?)

but there were small moments where you felt his touch and felt such a warmth in your heart. you had pure adoration for him [and if you ever caught his stare, you would know he adored you the same.]

anywhoo! you always thought he was attractive because i mean, look at him

but you never really saw him as a romantic prospect. at least not until you talked to him and got to know him. which you told shoko later on, and she called you a freak of nature for it because "usually he has the opposite effect on people"

there wasn't really a distinct moment you can remember where you developed feelings for him. the realization totally caught you by surprise!

you were hanging out with your fellow second years after school, and gojo made some dumb dad joke, at which only he laughed (of course), but you glanced at him from the side and his laugh!!! it was so beautiful!!! like, why are you enchanted by this LOSER right now???

either way, that's when you noticed that maybe that feeling you got in your stomach whenever gojo touched you may not have been entirely platonic. horrified and also a teensy bit excited at your discovery you look away and try to make your blushing face cool down. cool, this was definitely gonna ruin one of the best relationships and friendships you've ever had! gojo knew geto and shoko before you, so if you ever confessed, it would probably ruin your friendship with them too! cool, cool, very cool.

of course, that was total bs, but whatever you were anxious at, your newfound feelings and relationships are confusing, and you maybe (definitely) had a bit of tunnel vision in that moment.

after that (like the smart person you are), you convinced yourself that "well. if i just avoid gojo..the feelings will probably go away, right?"

oh, you poor naive FOOL

first of all, avoiding gojo was no easy feat (just ask nanami)

second of all... by the point you realized your feelings, he was already completely WHIPPED for you

"suguru! did you see? she totally looked at me for two seconds longer than usual today!"

"uh-huh"

"she definitely loves me back, dont you think so too?"

"you're delusional."

"you're my best friend! you're supposed to indulge me in my delusions!"

definitely the type to lay on his stomach and kick his feet in the air while thinking about you

and he NEVER shuts up about you

shoko and geto seriously deserve financial compensation for this and are BAFFLED by the fact that you dont notice how lovestruck he is by you?

so as soon as he realized you stopped replying to his texts like you usually did and you didn't sit next to him anymore so he could lean his head on your shoulder, he was devastated

DEVASTATED

like what did he do????? why does the universe hate him??? ( like he isnt the strongest sorcerer ever?)

you thought you were clever for coming up with your "get rid of feelings for satoru" plan

but no. for days now everywhere you were, suddenly there he was.

you didn't give him the silent treatment or anything you just... kept your distance.

well, you tried anyway

man has no sense of personal space.

"i missed you." he pouts, leaning down and placing his head on your shoulder from behind. "we see each other everyday, thats not enough for you?" you replied, trying to remain calm while he was so SO close to you. "we barely saw each other at all yesterday!" he whines. "i was busy -" "no, you weren't." "yes, i was?" "nuh-uh, " your face contorts into a grimace. "seriously, how old are you?" "sev-" "it was a rhetorical question." he moves from his postion behind you and stands right in front of you. if he wasn't so silly looking, you would probably be intimidated by his towering height.

his face turns serious. "you've been avoiding me." he states, a small pout on his lips. shit, dont look at his lips! "eh..uh..what? no, i'm not! that's crazy talk..." you sputter nervously. he sighs, and puts his hands on your shoulders "are you okay?" he's genuinely concerned for you now. damnit why couldn't he be less likeable?! this was really throwing a wrench in your plan.

"i am..i'm just..uh..argh." you lower your head and massage your temple out of frustration. your heartbeat was going a mile a minute. "i didn't mean to avoid you, satoru." you say in a soft tone. a lie, but you couldn't handle telling him the truth. his face brightens instantly. "i'll forgive you if you pinky promise to never avoid me ever again." he reaches out his pinky. "wow, future me is gonna regret that when you get inevitably annoying.." you chuckle reaching out your hand to interlink your finger with his. this was good, this was normal. you felt normal, platonic, and normal feelings. yep. a bright grin spreads across his pretty face. "although.. you might still have to buy me something sweet to really convince me!" of course. "you're the worst." "you love it!" yeah, you do.

okay, plan b. push it all down and focus on your friendship!

you did really enjoy just being his friend after all..otherwise you wouldn't care so much about ruining your friendship!

so things went back to normal sort of...except for the fact that over the next few months, the romantic tension got worse and worse.

you thought it was just you being delusional when he started holding your hand more and more frequently, freuqently bought you small trimkets and gifts( his reason being " i thought of you!") told you how pretty and cool you looked after missions, even with your hair all messed up and uniform askew. you tried so hard not to read into it even though these things were obviously pretty romantic.

satoru thought he was going insane

"i mean??? am i not being clear enough, suguru? am i being too subtle?"

"i dont think the word subtle really suits you, in any situation ever."

at this point, he was close to giving up. maybe you just didn't like him as much as he liked you?

but then! one late summer night!

the first kiss!

which was sort of out of the blue but also not really, since you'd been pining for each other for a while.

he was invading spending time in your dorm room late at night again like he frequently did. he got real chatty at night. you were both sitting on your bed, and his head was leaning against your shoulder, the soft ends of his hair tickling your neck.

it was around mignight, his voice was low and he spoke in a hushed tone.

"..you know? and then he had the audacity to insult nintendo? like sorry you hate fun, loser? anyways my original point was..." he trails off his voice, getting lower and lower by the end. you turn your head in his direction, expecting to find him asleep. instead, your nose almost bumps against his.

his eyes are..so breathtaking this close, with the moonlight reflecting in his sapphire irises. his snow-white lashes flutter as he glances down at your lips. a silent request.

this moment was so full of tender love while still so quiet. you had never felt anything quite like it before. you nod ever so slightly and softly your lips meet eachother. slotting together like two puzzle pieces, it made something click in your brain. suddenly everything made sense.

after a few moments you pulled back. your face felt hot. it was still quiet. gojos thumb rubs over the back of your hand.

he leans his head back onto your shoulder, positively beaming, he giggled "like i was saying.." he starts again the smile still evident in his voice.

an equally bright grin breaks out on your face. he was not even acknowledging the kiss you two shared. but it felt right that he didn't. this moment felt so warm and so much like satoru. there was no more confusion and no words that needed to be said. you both understood what it meant. you both finally understood what you were.

what you failed to consider was telling your best friends. geto and shoko. the four of you were hanging out and gojo had to leave early for another mission, before he leaves he quickly pecks you on the lips (which to be fair surprised you too) before waving and running off. shoko's eyes were practically bulging out of her head, and getos face couldn't decide between a surprised expression and one of disgust. "what. was that." shoko furtows her brows. "uhh..oh! oh." you couldn't exactly pinpoint what you were supposed to say now. how did you forget to tell them? how did GOJO forget to tell them? granted, it only happened last night, but still... you had assumed he spent the rest of the night lying on his stomach, feet kicking, telling geto every detail. "we're dating?" you reply awkwardly. "damn it!" shoko exclaims, and suguru smiles smugly. odd reactions... that's what you thought until you saw shoko pull out her wallet and hand suguru a big wad of cash. "see? i told you they would figure it out before they turned 25." he chides.

thank you for reading!!! and i hope you liked it! im not sure about this formatting (w/ the tumblr bulleted list. it's like not spaced apart enough, yk?) anyway! im open to constructive criticism, but please be nice im sensitive LOL (ﾉω･､)

#☆ — stars writings #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk #x reader #headcanons #drabble #gojo x you #gojo satoru imagine #jjk imagines

[ootahime]

analyzing every gojohime moment in the manga >:) pt. 3

more and more paragraphs ahead.  BE PREPARED!

i’m also writing this at 3 am so please bear with the horrendous grammar and punctuation.

chapter 63

i know he’s probably like this with everyone but i love how excited he is bragging about his students to her.  he’s like a child telling his mother about an amazing adventure he had with his friends, making sure he mentions every detail.  in the anime, their conversation lasted for 3:41 :3 backwards 341 is 143 which means i love you.  

1 letter = i

4 letters = love

3 letters = you

chapter 63

i love her fit!  i also like how both of them like to wear baggy clothing that accentuates their collarbones `w` it’s like they’re matching in a way.  even if she did tell him to cut the crap, she still let him run his mouth to his content LOL i feel like if he didn’t compliment himself at the end, she would have said something different.  UGH HE LOOKS SO HAPPY CALLING HER

 ah, let me translate the conversation just in case anyone needs it.

utahime: you wanted to talk about the investigation, right?

gojo: well, got any idea who?

utahime: i have no idea.  no one seems suspicious.  what do we do now?  should we ask the students for help?

gojo: yeah, that’s fine.  i’m busy so asking the kids would be okay.  keep looking.  i’m counting on you.

I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE TRYING TO SAY.

OR it could mean that she’s asking if they should start investigating the students.  it would make sense either way because gojo says in the next panel that he doesn’t want to assume that the mole is a student, and in chapter 79, gojo sends the trio to utahime to help her.  

chapter 63

these two love their students to death.  neither of them wanted to assume that the mole was a student.  in chapter 79, when utahime is talking to the trio about the mole, nobara points out to the group that the traitor must be from kyoto because utahime is the one who’s reaching out to the tokyo side.  utahime has a dismal look on her face, almost like she’s saying, “i didn’t want it to turn out this way -- for this to be true.”  after mechamaru says his farewells to miwa on the train, mai tries to talk about what he did to which utahime says, “it doesn’t matter, he’s dead, after all,” with a similar sunken expression.  i just love how her care for the students is one of the biggest aspects of her personality that’s been showcased so far.  it’s also cool how it ties together with gojo’s belief that no child’s youth should be taken away.  i truly think these two have the capacity to understand each other to a deep level, down to the core.  seeing as utahime is also a teacher, it’s safe to assume that she also wants to raise the next generation of sorcerers to be strong.  utahime and gojo’s similarities and contrasting elements are so interwined, i really wonder if it’s intentional.  like am i looking too much into this?  are utahime and gojo really meant to be this connected?  think about it.  similar motivations, care of the kids, contrasting palettes, the bickering, long history.  IT’S JUST TOO MUCH. 

also can we mention how their phone calls and meetings must be heavily planned out?  this means they’ve talked and interacted with each other A LOT behind the scenes.  she doesn’t answer his call with “what do you want?  don’t bother me on my day off.”  she knows exactly why he’s calling her and they even speak in code.  she probably meets up with him and tells him to call her on a specific day and at a specific time.  they must know each other’s schedules very well in order to execute this investigation in complete secrecy.  when he says, “we can never be too sure who is listening in around utahime” it implies that they find calling a risk, so in order to guarantee that there is no one around, they have to meet up in person.  see where i’m getting at?  they talk A LOTTT and most likely are aware of each other’s daily lives.  

the fact that gojo is her main source of stress when he’s literally a 3 hour train ride away from her is hilarious LMAOOOO.  you know what that means, right?  he must call and text her constantly about random things to annoy her.  

chapter 65

ah yes, my favorite moment by far.  look at that smile on his face.  

chapter 65

he loves saying her name.  he probably rushed over with the sole purpose of doing something like this to her LMAOOOO like i mean, mei was in there with her so technically they both needed to be helped but judging from his words and expression, he only wanted to help utahime.  notice how mei’s not there in the debris.  could she possibly have suspected gojo’s presence or an outside force?  or was she fast enough to avoid being in the debris?  either way, her lack of presence in this scene helps highlight the fact that this is a special interaction between utahime and gojo.  he refers to her in a very familiar sense.  the most formal way to address someone is by their last name followed by the honorific, -san.  in gojo’s case, he should be calling her iori-san if they weren’t acquainted.  he doesn’t even bother to call her utahime-senpai.  granted, gojo is not the most respectful and socially competent person out there because geto points this out to him.  he isn’t even aware that she finds him annoying because he views her bad attitude toward him as her just playing along with him.  he probably thinks she’s flirting back LOLOL

since he asks her “you cryin?” that definitely means that gojo witnessed her crying on one occasion or maybe multiple.  who knows, the old utahime could have been a very emotional person.  while this is happening, mei is close to gojo, she then asks him if he would console her if she were to cry in a flirtatious manner.  gojo dismisses her attempt at flirting with him and says she won’t cry because she’s strong.  now normally, you’re supposed to face the person you’re talking to, GOJO.  he KEEPS his eyes on her even when more people come to join the conversation.  

now, we can all agree that geto, mei, and shoko are better at picking up social cues than gojo.  they probably knew the vibe of the conversation and decided to play along with gojo’s antics.  

chapter 65

WE were worried about you.

pay attention to the order of the characters that show up.  gojo makes his appearance first, then geto, followed by shoko.  based on utahime’s reaction to seeing shoko, it’s evident that these two share a close bond.  shouldn’t shoko be the one to arrive on the scene first?  she’s the closest to utahime and would therefore be more concerned about her condition, right?  i know shoko’s technique doesn’t really allow her to do anything other than treat the wounds of others, but if you heard your friend was missing, you would definitely rush to the scene.  

look at geto’s reaction when mei says, “you’re the one who’s picking on her, geto.  you don’t even know it.”  i think it’s mei who’s saying this because gojo calls geto “suguru”.  but anyway, mei is aware that they’re picking on her.  i don’t think she’s the type to legitimately bully someone for their strength.  her reaction to all of this is very playful and her “heh heh heh” is proof of that.  when geto shows up and swallows the curse before it gets to utahime, he says, “satoru.  it’s not nice to pick on the weak.”  by saying this, he pisses utahime off because he too, is joining in on gojo’s joke.  i believe he’s unaware that he’s making fun of utahime because his reaction is “gah!” with a sweatdrop.  he probably thought gojo was making fun of weak people in general.  

geto’s usually a gentleman seeing as it is canon that he is more popular with girls than gojo.  BUT WHO KNOWS...you gotta be a specific type of person to be best friends with gojo.  maybe he ain’t shit too...  okay, my point is that everyone is just playing along.  when shoko shows up, utahime is relieved to see her because shoko doesn’t tease her like this.  since utahime tells shoko to not become like those two, this implies that geto teases her as well (probably not as much as gojo).  we all know geto is really big on looking out for the weak so he probably wouldn’t have insulted her for real.  

verdict: utahime being weak is just a joke.  i’ve mentioned this so many times, sorry if it’s getting annoying and repetitive hehehehehe...

chapter 65

these three aren’t irresponsible.  geto and gojo are a troublesome duo for sure, but they’re dependable.  seems unlike them to forget something so simple and essential to pretty much every mission.   

chapter 65

here’s my headcanon.  they were hanging outside or in the car when their assistant manager got a call.  the assistant was informed that two days have elapsed since mei and utahime went on their mission (or last contacted someone).  

gojo: that’s weird.  mei’s with her so they should have finished exorcising the spirit sooner.

geto: you think something happened to them?  maybe it’s a strong special grade.

gojo: utahime probably dragged mei down with her.  poor mei-san~  

gojo gets up 

geto: where are you going?  

gojo: going to save utahime!  it’s fine i’ll put up a curtain!

manager: gojo wait!!!!!!!!!!!

geto sighs

shoko: that idiot’s always running off without us.

they pin the blame on gojo for saying that he’ll put up a curtain and leaving the assistant manager behind.  you know what this means?  he ran and the manager couldn’t catch up HEHE... why the rush, gojo?  were you actually concerned about her?  

tbh i don’t see gojo ever running to something unless it’s urgent.  the fact that he ran to save her says a lot.  

----

let me know if you have any thoughts or questions!  i forgot to add this but gojo had a more serious expression when he was explaining how they must’ve been trapped in a barrier that messes with time.  he then states, “we thought it was weird even though you’re here, mei.”  i know he was probably worried sick because if mei couldn’t be contacted then that means something must’ve happened to utahime too.  okay that’s it for now.  i’ll be bringing up this little detail i’ve noticed about utahime in the manga next :3

#gojohime #gouta #gojo x utahime

[docholligay]

A Silent Voice--Koe no Kitachi

This movie has come up a couple times for Eight Days and various other things I’ve done, which was basically all I knew about it, until it was sponsored as a one-off by @iscahwynn. The first time I watched the movie, I felt a lot of ways about it at once. It was certainly one of the most interesting “anime movies” that had ever been recommended to me, and had a capacity and quality of humanity that I really didn’t expect going into it. 

As always, non-spoilery review leads, spoilers under the cut. 

A Silent Voice, (Which is called The Shape of Voice on my subs) if you read the blurb, is about a boy trying to make restitution for a deaf girl he bullied horrendously in elementary school. That’s a fair assessment, but I also don’t think it’s a complete one. The movie is really about the nature of alienation and friendship, and how a lot of lonely people have at least some culpability for that loneliness. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say I liked it. I had some issues with it that I’ll go into in the longer spoiler review, but being as its on Netflix right now, if you have any interest in seeing it, I don’t think it’s a waste of time at all. 

I”m not going to go through a play by play of the film itself, I figure if you’re reading this you’re familiar with the general narrative of the film and I’m not super interested in padding this out for the mere word count.  

Also, the main character’s names are really similar: Shoko and Shoyo, so I’m going to call Shoyo by his patronymic, Ishida, for clarity. 

You feel, or at least this viewer felt, nothing but sadness and frustration for poor Shoko, who did nothing but have the audacity to show up at school. One thing I think this movie does an excellent job with is showing how resentment creeps in over the most minor of accommodations. We see at first, the kids be taken in by the novelty of writing in Shoko’s notebook in order to accommodate her and talk to her. Then we see it turn annoying, when she wants to be brought into conversations on a regular basis, and they don’t want to do that. It turns to hatred and resentment, as it gets easier and easier to simply ignore her or make fun of her. When a teacher comes in to teach them some sign language at ten minutes a day, for all but one student, this is too much effort for them to make. 

It escalates with Ishida himself repeatedly yanking her hearing aids out of her ears and throwing them out of the window, into the trash, etc, at one point ripping them out with such force that her ear bleeds. His punishment for this cruelty is essentially that his mother has to pay back, or choose to pay back, all the money lost for the hearing aids to Shoko’s mother, but on a more personal level, his classmates, actually faced with consequences, turn on him and implicate him as the sole actor in all of the cruelty aimed toward Shoko. 

And I’m fine with him reaping the whirlwind, let’s not mistake that, but I do have one compelling question: 

There are 106 schools for the D/deaf in Japan, and you couldn’t put your child into one of them? I have no idea if Japan has any equivalent of the ADA whatsoever, and the internet seems to suggest that the rights and education of D/deaf people in Japan is pretty woeful, but this really annoyed the shit out of me. I mean, I’m supposed to feel for Shoko, so I suppose that didn’t detract from what the movie wanted to do in that right, but man did it make me irritated with every single adult involved. 

I think some of the most interesting things that come out of the movie are the ways in which it deals with depersonalization and isolation. 

After we see Ishida’s fall from grace, if you will, when in middle school, people are (rightly) told that he’s a bully. People don’t want to be around him, and while, again, I do not feel particularly sorry for him, there’s definitely something deeply human and deeply disturbing about the way they make him the pariah of it all, even though they were mostly all involved in treating Shoko cruelly, or at the very least, at a distance. It’s easier to believe that it was Ishida’s sin specifically, and that they bear no responsibility for their part in the cruelty toward her. 

When this happens, by the time we meet up with him, we see that he sees the world of people with the letter X across their faces, as a sign that he no longer thinks of them as people, more like objects or happenings that are best to be avoided. He goes so far as to say that he never looks anyone in the face anymore. Its a very visually powerful way of showing how Ishida, when he is hurt, walls himself off in the world, while, even when we see Shoko later, there’s no indication that she has done such (Though admittedly, the vast majority of the movie is through the eyes of Ishida) 

It isn’t until Ishida defends Nagatsuka, a fat kid with curly hair, from getting his bike stolen by giving his up as an option instead, that he begins to see people in any different way. And it isn’t even in the moment that he does something, but when Nagatsuka returns his bike, found in a rice field, that the x falls away from his face and he begins to see someone as a fully realized human. A cynical viewer, who might be me, would see this as an acknowledgement that Ishida’s problem is not seeing people outside of their relationship to and treatment of him. That it is only with returned kindness that he can see Nagatsuka as human, defending him only because he recalls the shame of having been so cruel to Shoko. 

Which I actually don’t have a problem with! I think it would go fairly far to show that he’s learned something from the Shoko situation, for him to expect no inkling of humanity but still be so desirous to remove that shame that he acts anyway. I just don’t know if that’s the intention of the narrative, even having seen it several times now. 

“Friendship lies somewhere beyond things like words and logic” is one of the best lines from the movie, and I think it does a fairly good job of doing that as it calls up a large group from the past. It’s complicated, because I actually thought the group aspect was very interesting, particularly the incident on the bridge where Ishida, every fairly, tells each of them how they failed, what their personal sin is, and he isn’t wrong! The first time I watched it, I found myself screaming at it, the reckoning of this responsibility finally shared. 

But the downside of all of these characters is that the focus on Shoko and Ishida, as well as any real development of feelings and forgiveness between them, feels very rushed. We get to the end of the story, with Ishida having saved Shoko’s life and hurting himself in the process. SO much emotional and character development gets laid down in a five minute scene, and while the scene itself does lend a lot of strength to the characters for that, I found myself more frustrated that we couldn’t have seen this sooner, and come out over time. Unfortunately the time with the ancillary characters feels a bit wasted, given what ends up being sacrificed for it. 

Some parts of the movie are tricky for me to fully allow myself to fall into, at best. It’s particularly difficult for me to see Ishida as a huge victim given the exceptional level of his cruelty to Shoko, and if he really only pays until he’s in high school, while that may play as “forever” to a younger audience, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for his plight. This isn’t following him to his damn job. Maybe I’m a jackass, and that’s why I can’t go with it in the way the film seems to want me to, or maybe it’s that I was also horrifically bullied to the point of tears as a child, and I do not feel any particular sadness for the ways in which some of my own bullies were socially punished in high school. I don’t want him to kill himself, I want him to be better, and honestly the movie could have really really worked for me if we just saw the developing of his friendship with Nagatsuka and his turning into a better, softer person. This kind of goes into what I was talking about earlier--in a two hour movie, there just isn’t the time for all the side characters as well as the full development of the mains. We would have been better off just having Ishida, Shoko, and Nagatsuka. I fell you could have told a quite complete story with that. I think if those three characters had been more carefully written, I could have ADORED this movie, instead of the middle place I end up with in it. 

But instead we come to the question of Shoko. I kinda suck my teeth at Shoko’s treatment in the film. Her open hearted kindness was heart-breaking as a child, the way she just wanted to be friends and she still had that belief that it could all work if she just did as adults told her and was NICE, and it’s extremely effective.  But when we get to the high school Shoko and we’re still meant to see her as being this very mild, very apologetic, very sad person with no friends...it stops being a tragedy of the character individually and starts being a way of writing a disabled character as someone for our protagonist to act upon. Shoko is never really given her own moment of anger for herself, her own rich life outside of Ishida and the friends he brings to her. We don’t see her thoughts except as they relate to Ishida. We’re meant to believe she has no one outside of her sister when Ishida decides to reconnect with her, a tragedy of convenience that allows Ishida’s “work” to be valuable to more than just him. Even her own sorrow and suicide attempt seem to have so much more to do with the further of Ishida’s character than the oppressive social forces that have conspired against Shoko. 

And we ALMOST get there. The end conversation between the two of them, where he says he understood her in ways that were convenient for him, and that because of that he failed to see her own pain and isolation, is amazing. Great, and I wish it would have come sooner and that we could have had some real payoff from that conversation that showed their relationship deepening in a way that served both Shoko and Ishida. But it comes at the tail end, and the “solution” we get all has to do with Ishida and his embracing of humanity, which I want, but not at the expense of Shoko’s character, who I liked very much and longed for a richer treatment of. 

The romantic element between them is frustrating. Not only because he was her very very overt bully, I might even go so far as to say abuser, but because it feels so tiresome when the movie clearly has bigger fish to fry, and in many ways, does fry them!  It doesn’t help that it is like quite a few things, painfully rushed, and when she falls for him, it’s left to the viewer to supply your own reasons that don’t quite make sense. It adds a layer to the story that I personally felt it did not need, even as cute as I find Shoko’s little flappy legs on the bed when she has her head buried in a pillow after trying to confess to Ishida, but he can’t understand what she’s saying. 

Basically, I think this movie watches better once. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say about anything, but the first time I saw this, I didn’t notice so keenly some of the things that niggled at me later. I think it’s pretty fucking enjoyable, in the one shot, to be honest! I think it’s an ambitious movie that is, at its best, trying to say something about the nature of bullying and that it not only harms the bullied but the bully themselves. And in some ways, I think it has absolutely brilliant moments with that, and reflections on the nature of friendship and what it takes.  But I think some of that ambition falls through, and feels a bit flat, when taken on the whole. 

Have you seen it? What did you think? 

#Doc watches movies #Doc watches things

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Wan High Weeping (Part 42)

It was both thrilling and startling to hold the ball in her hands again. Exhilarating and pleasantly daunting, a challenge of sorts. Azula had forgotten how much she enjoyed a challenge. She supposed that getting things back in order was a challenge in and of itself, she had never backed away from a challenge so she would take both of them on. If things went her way she’d have two successes born from one action.

She tossed the ball from one hand to the other, waiting for the rest of her team to assemble in the gym. It would seem that she had even beaten her coach. She was beginning to see why the team was as unskilled as they claimed, they couldn’t even make it to practice on time. For a brief moment, she considered that she had come to the wrong place, she was, afterall, in a new school--she could see the possibility of Xi River having a second gymnasium. But it couldn’t be so, Azula had made sure that she had all of the directions and details clear.

She was in the right place.

They were late.

She took the time to readjust her kneepads and elbow pads to her liking. She had gone out and bought them the other day so she would have something to match her new uniform; of course, she had yet to receive the uniform itself.

The squeak of sneakers on polished maple wood let her know that the rest of her team, or at least a few of them had finally made it. Zirin and Chinami come to join her. Soon Ryoko was there as well.

“Hey, Azula.” Chinami greeted.

“So have you changed your mind yet?” Ryoko asked.

“In the hour between sixth period and now?” Azula asked. “No.”

“You’re still on about that, Ryo?” Zirin asked.

“Of course we are.” Ikue replied. “I think that we need a splash of bright red in this group. Or maybe electric blue.”

“Pink?” Ryoko put in.

Azula rolled her eyes. “Why don’t we just dye my hair all three? Hell, let’s throw in purple.”

Ryoko’s eyes lit up. “That’s a great idea!”

Apparently, Ikue was feeling extra ambitious, “we can add some green too.”

“I don’t think she’s gonna let cha touch her hair.” Shoko put in.

“I like my hair the way it is.” Azula muttered as their coach stepped into the gym. She was a tall and chiseled woman with chalky brown hair and deep brown eyes. Having only heard it one, Azula tried to recall her name. Ruka, she believed. Truth be told, she had put more focus into discussion matters of her joining the team than investing it in remembering names. It was a pain enough to confess that after this week she’d have therapy sessions every Tuesday and Thursday. Missing two days of five was an agitating prospect. She supposed it would be for the best that way as her body recovered and adjusted to the spike in activity again. Still, she was going to have to get used to playing for leisure rather than competition.

Ruka looked to Azula first, “your uniform should be in by the end of the week.”

Azula nodded.

With that out of the way, Ruka addressed the entirety of the team. “Alright, ladies, we’ll start with a warm up--laps around the gym for five minutes and then a couple of stretches--after that you’ll get into pairs and practice our spikes and sets.” She paused. “From there we will have a mock game. I expect the five of you to leave our new member with a good impression.” She gave Zirin a pointed stare. She spoke to Azula more quietly. “If you need a break, let me know. I don’t want to overwork you so soon after your hospital visit.”

The woman meant well, but Azula found herself rather vexed by the coddling. “I’ll be fine.”

Ruka nodded. “I don’t doubt that. I’ve seen you play when we versed Wan High last year.”

And now there were expectations.

Ruka punched a few buttons on her stopwatch. “Five minutes begins now.”

The first minute or so went over rather well, she had a few laps on the rest of her team--which was nothing out of the ordinary for her--but she was growing winded quickly. She held her pace well into the second minute, but doing so was taking its toll. This should have been easy for her. The last time she had done something like this, she could hold her pace for a good ten minutes before becoming only slightly short of breath.

It would seem that she would have to start slower. Yet she didn’t know how much slower, she found herself completely unaware of her own limits.

How had she become so out of tune with herself?

Resentfully, she slowed her own pace. And then slowed it more still, feeling almost dizzy. She had taken herself from first to the last to finish.

“You don’t have to run so fast, during the warm up.” Shoko noted.

Shoko didn’t realize that what Azula was doing had been her version of a warm up at one point.

“Besides, we’re not the track team.” Zirin laughed.

It took a very meticulous effort to remind herself that it was an innocent remark. That Zirin wasn’t trying to provoke her. It set in that, perhaps, physical activity wasn’t the only thing she’d have to get reacquainted with. The concept of light-hearted jokes seemed so foreign.

Azula worked through the stretches trying not to think about how strenuous they were juxtaposed against the ease at which they use to come. She tried with even more effort to ignore the way her tummy looked when she bent over. She hoped with just as much vigor that the rest of the team ignored it too. She wondered if this was a good idea after all. She was better off getting back in the swing of things in privet.

She couldn’t help but compare herself to Zirin who was as toned as she used to be. Or to Ikue who was ridiculously tall and every bit as slender. Their stomach didn’t stick out the way hers did. She found it hard all over again, to imagine why they wanted her on the team. She was certainly going to mar their aesthetic.

They worked through a final stretch, one that seemed to drag, and then they broke into pairs. Ikue and Ryoko had ran straight for each other, Azula had no doubts that they would. The remaining three looked amid each other.

“Who wants to work with Azula?” Zirin asked.

“I will!” Chinami volunteered.

How generous, Azula thought to herself. She supposed that someone had to take one for the team.

“I wanted to work with her.” Shoko mumbled.

“See, I was just asking, to be nice.” Zirin noted. She hooked her arm around Azula’s.

“Oh wow. Okay, Zirin.” Shoko grumbled.

Zirin gave a bursting laugh and then turned to Azula. “I like practicing on that side of the gym.” She lead her to a spot near the right corner. “I’ve been practicing in this exact spot for three years now!”

“Congratulations?” Azula muttered.

“Do you want me to grab the ball?” She looked to the ball cage.

“I have one.” Azula moved to her duffle bag where she had tucked her ball away. She took it out once again. She took a moment to appreciate the metallic blue material. It was a custom make and she thought that it was a shame that she hadn’t got to use it until now.

“Ooo, fancy.” Zirin snatched it from her hands. She sputtered an apology and handed it back. “Sorry, coach told me I need to remember to ask first. Can I see your volleyball.”

She was going to be hitting it around anyways so Azula handed it over.

“Ikue! Ryoko! Less talking, more spiking!” Ruka barked.

“Oh, shit!” Zirin hissed, quickly spiking it over to Azula. Her reflexes were as sharp as they ever were, but her body couldn’t keep up with them. She managed to return the hit with a bump but managed to pull something in her leg in the process. She winced but powered through it, returning a second spike.

Declaring that everyone should get a feel for working with Azula, Ruka had them go through a full rotation before proceeding with the mock game. By the end of it she was already feeling sore and sluggish.

Zirin tossed her a water bottle.  “Don’t push yourself so hard.” She said softly. “We want you to have fun here.”

Azula took a rather greedy sip from the water bottle. “I’m not pushing myself.”

“And our team is going to state this year.” Zirin rolled her eyes. “Seriously, take it easy, I’d feel awful if you got hurt again.”

“I’m not going to hold the team back.” Azula refuted.

“Well of course not.” And with more volume she added, “It’s Ryo’s job to hold the team back!” Her lopsided grin was stolen by a ball thumping her on the head. “Ow!”

“Holding the team back is a team effort.” Ryoko insisted.

“Well you’re the MVP!” Zirin insisted.

“And you’re the runner up.”

“See,” Zirin put a hand at the corner of her mouth and muttered into Azula’s ear, “you’re going to have a lot of competition as far as holding us back goes.”  

As comforting as the prospect was, Azula almost felt bad. She wondered what dipped their confidence so low. At least they were good humored about it, unlike her.

.oOo.

Zuko turned the chip over in his hand, admiring the glinting blue. He was feeling better than he had in a long time. And better still, knowing that he’d be getting a second chip--red, like one of the ones Hahn showed him--very soon. As soon as he had the month milestone chip in his hands, they would switch him to outpatient. It was a possibility that both rattled him and thrilled him in equal part. He would be free. But also free to find his way back to heroine.

“You ready for some exciting and wholesome group therapy?” Hahn asked.

“I’m bursting with joy.” Zuko grumbled.

“You better be, because we have to walk all the way to the other end of the building this time around.”

“You mean the psych ward?” Zuko asked. “Why that way?” Perhaps he had no room to talk being as he considered himself to be a bit of a basket case but the thought of passing through the section of the facility that housed the more sever of the disorders chilled him. He felt like an asshole for thinking it too.

“Pipe broke in our regular room.” Hahn informed. “Bit of flooding going on. Ya know, the usual mishaps. A change of scenery might be nice, ya know?”

He guessed that he wouldn’t mind a little kink in the routine. He still wasn’t particularly looking forward to this session. From the sound of it, today they were going to be discussing what had led the to drugs or alcohol in the first place. Zuko’s desire to talk about Ozai was about as real as a flying bison.

Hahn led him down a series of hallways. Even after being in the institution for a little over a month, he still couldn’t get use to the staff personnel who consistently monitored the halls. Their watchful eyes kept him in line.

They came to the second floor lobby where many halls conjoined and went their separate ways. This was where the elevator was, they’d be taking it a floor up to where most therapy sessions were held. For the elevators, this area had the most traffic, he scanned the crowd for any familiar faces from his last group session. He picked out a boy named Rin and a girl named Emi. He didn’t know them well enough to approach them. He didn’t know anyone there enough to make a greeting.  

He caught sight of someone walking his way.

He couldn’t imagine why, so he assumed she was simply walking in his general direction.

“Still a little disorienting, huh?” Hahn asked.

“A little.” Zuko admitted, he had always been an introvert but these days he seemed to be sinking further into it. He only really talked to Hahn anymore.

“You’re not dead, after all.”

He jumped.

“And you’re as easy to scare as ever.” Though it was some hoarser than her remembered, he recognized that silky voice. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t recognized her face. But then, it had been so long since he’d seen it.

“What are you doing here?” Zuko sputtered.

“I have therapy too, dum-dum.” She settled a hand on her hip. “Mother sends her regards.”

“Y-you’ve talked to mom? What are you in therapy for.” He didn’t know which he was more curious about. He was going to be late. It didn’t matter, the group could wait. So long as Hahn stuck around, he wouldn’t get in too much trouble.

“It’s a long story, Zu-Zu. After you made your depart, CPS got involved, I’m living with her now.”

He knew it was a lie. He was of age, what he did was no concern of the CPS. He knew that she and their father weren’t exactly on good terms. But, then, he didn’t really expect her to disclose anything about that situation. He had a good feeling that her new living situation and whatever was going on with she and Ozai went hand in hand with the reason for her therapy.

“Are you going to be living with her or staying with Iroh when you get cleared?”

“I. I was going to live with Iroh...but…” He paused. “I can see mom again?”

“That’s what I said.” Azula rolled her eyes.

She sounded more like herself than she did before he ran away.

“She’s worried about you.”

“Were you?” He asked. She had to have been, otherwise she wouldn’t have called Iroh.

“Absolutely not.” She frowned. He didn’t believe that either.

He was worried about her. He didn’t realize it until then, but he was so worried for her with the state he had last seen her in. Quiet and quite visibly unsure of herself. Despite her posture and her high held head, he could see it in her eyes that something was wrong. They were missing their usual spark and he was almost certain that she still wasn’t comfortable with herself. Not entirely.

“Enjoy rehab, Zu-Zu.”

He watched her head for the elevator.

“Oh!” He called.

He didn’t think that she heard him, but she came to a stop and peered over her shoulder.

“Thank you. For calling uncle.”

She waved it off.

“Really, I think that you might have saved my life.”

“Good to know.”  The elevator doors opened.

“We going inside too?” Hahn asked.

“We’ll wait for the next one.” He didn’t want to draw out some sort of awkward silence.

“Really, I think that you might have saved my life.” Hahn mocked as the entered the second elevator. “I didn’t realize you were so sappy.”

“Shut up, Hahn.” Zuko jabbed him.

Hahn pulled the door open and motioned him inside. It looked like he was the youngest of the group again. “You’re late.” The session leader noted.

“He ran into his sister.” Hahn vouched. “It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other.”

The man sighed, “let’s get into it then. Ki, would you like to start us off?”

Zuko tried not to nod off as listened to various addiction origin stories. Ones that ranged from crippling depression to  a friend hooking them up back in high school and still not being able to climb out of it. One story in particular stood out to him, “having children took its toll.” The woman spoke. “I had the first one, thought I could handle a second…” She trailed off. “Drugs took the edge off of the crying and fussing. I wanted to be a good mom, I really did. But I’ve failed as a parent.”

“You couldn’t have failed worse than my father.” Zuko didn’t mean to cut her off, he hadn’t even realized that he’d spoken out loud.  

“I take it you’d like to share share next?” The therapist commented.

“Not particularly.”

“Well you interrupted Mrs. Wansabi’s story so I assumed that you had something to say.”

“It’s fine, I was done talking.” Mrs. Wansabi smiled.

“No matter, we still need another person to share and we didn’t here from Mr. Kasai last time.”

Zuko gritted his teeth. This therapist was agitating, he was going to have to talk to someone about seeing someone else, before this man made him snap. “You want my story?! Fine! I have an abusive sorry ass excuse for a father. He beat me regularly and heroine took the pain away. It’s not that special.” He turned to Mrs. Wansabi. “At least you’re here and trying. That’s more than my father can say. You feel bad and you haven’t even hurt your kids yet. My father...I think he enjoys hurting me.” He couldn’t help but think of Azula too and that more somber look in her eyes. “Hurting us.”

“So you ran away.” Hahn finished for him.

“It was the best thing I could have done for myself.”

“You’re lucky that you ended up here and not in a drug ring.” The therapist put in, unhelpfully. “That kind of impulsive…”

Zuko cut him off. “I could have ended up here, like I did. Or I could have ended up dead. Which still would have been better than living with him.”

The room fell quiet.

He hoped that he hadn’t landed himself an extended stay.

.oOo.

Yue beckoned Azula to sit. “Water?” With a nod from Azula, she filled up a small glass. “How has school been treating you?”

But Azula wanted to start with something different. “I ran into my brother today.”

“On the way here?”

“Ursa--my mother told me he was in the rehab sector here.”

Yue took a sip for herself. “Was this encounter a good thing?”

Azula shrugged. “It was an encounter.” She paused. “He told me that I saved him.”

“Did you?” Yue asked.

She shrugged again. “Maybe in a manner of speaking. I just called uncle for him.” Yue continued to stare so she added, “he ran away.”

“Your father?”

“I know. It’s hard to believe that anyone would run away from such a compassionate man.”

Yue chuckled. At least someone shared her sense of humor, that joke hadn’t gone so well with her mother who used it as an opportunity for more hugging and tears. The kind of affection that still made Azula squeamish.

“It was probably nice to hear. That you were able to help your brother.”

Azula considered. “It’s a start.” It had made her feel like, perhaps, she wasn’t as dreadful of a person as she initially assumed.

“A start?”

“He left on bad terms.” She wasn’t entirely certain of this. “Rather, we had some unfinished matters.”

Yue nodded. “Do you want to talk about those?”

“Perhaps another time.” It was a subject so layered, that it may have take many sessions to cover. Truth be told, this time, she wanted to talk about her other problems. It was easier to talk to someone she didn’t know very well. Someone who she wouldn’t have to see every day.

“Would you like to tell me how you’re adjusting to school?” Yue asked. “Have you found any new friends.”

“A few.” Azula replied. “My new volleyball team and Nagako--she quit the team.”

Yue smiled. “I’m happy to hear that you decided to join after all!” The woman sound very genuinely thrilled. It instilled some sort of pride within Azula. “Did you have practice already?”

“The first one was yesterday.”

“How did it go?”

At this Azula’s face fell.

Yue’s own expression darkened. “What happened?”

Azula tightened her grip on the glass. “I couldn’t…” She paused. “I knew that I wasn’t going to be as good as before, I’ve been out of practice for so long…” She trailed off. “I didn’t think I would perform that poorly.”

“Did someone say that you weren’t doing good?”

“Yes.” Azula mumbled. “I did.”

“I’m sure you performed better than you think.”

“You were not there.” Azula held her ground. “You wouldn’t say that if you had been.”

“Azula, you’ve put a lot of strain on your body in starving it. This has nothing to do with your skill set. You made it sound like you were a natural. So let things happen naturally. Treat it right and your body will recover and you will most likely find that you haven’t set yourself as far back as you think.”

It sounded so good aloud. But Azula wasn’t sure if she believed that. Even so it didn’t alleviate the sting she was feeling in that moment. Nor would it lift the burden that came with noticing just how much her figure had changed. Before joining the team, she hadn’t considered how much the stretches would annunciate that. “You don’t understand.”

“I would like to. What were you thinking about?”

She didn’t want to say it out loud. It was embarrassing enough in her own headspace. Yet she wanted to say something. She kept quiet.

“Would you like to come back to this subject later?”

Azula almost took her up on her offer. She held her silence until she found a less degrading way to say what was bothering her. “I almost did it again...”

“Did what?

She set her cup aside and brought her fingers to her mouth.

“What stopped you?”

“I don’t like losing.” She replied. “Not to anyone else. Not to myself.”

“What made you want to throw up?”

Another uncomfortable question. She had dug herself into it. “I don’t look the same.” She gripped the edge of her chair. “I got to see myself from many new angles yesterday...”  She would let Yue fill in the blanks. “I don’t look like the rest of the team.” Save for Shoko, but somehow she always managed to gloss over that.

Yue nodded seeming to think things over. “You’re going to have to stop comparing yourself to other people. You are you. They are them.”

“I don’t look how I used to.” She was being difficult, but not cunningly so.

“That’s fair.” Yue muttered, leaving Azula quietly flabbergasted that she would agree. “You’re going to have to be patient. I promise you, that you will get there again. Remember when I told you that you are a pretty girl?”

“Yes. So?”

“I’d like to say it again. There isn’t one single way to define beauty. How can there be when there are so many different body types out there?”

Azula swallowed.

“If I may be up front?”

Azula waved her on.

“I think you are putting way too much focus on yourself. Your team, they aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think.”

“Are you sure? We’ve only had one practice together and Zirin already has a habit of reminding me not to push myself.”

“They aren’t paying attention to you for the reason you think. You are putting a lot of focus on your weight. Your friend seems to be focusing on making sure you don’t hurt yourself. She isn’t thinking about your weight, she is thinking about your well being.”

Azula considered.

“I’d like you to try something else for me.” Yue spoke again. “I don’t usually say this, but, try to think of how others see you instead of how you see yourself. From the sound of it, they are happy to have you on their team. Do you really think that your weight matters?”

She wanted to say yes, but Yue had left her ample time to think and she was struggling to find one concrete example to back that.

“There are more profound aspects of yourself. I’ve seen you only two times now and I can tell that you are strong, determined, and persistent. If you really want to think about the physical, you have beautiful eyes and nice hair.” She paused. “If you want to make this process easier for yourself, you’re going to have to break the habit of valuing yourself based on a number. One that isn’t even that high, all things considered.”

Azula chewed the inside of her cheek, determined not to shed even one tear. Yet, that was exactly what she had needed to hear. A solid confirmation that she may have been exaggerating what she saw in the mirror. “I’ll, try.”

Yue smiled. “Speaking of trying, have you been sticking to the meal plan?”

“I have.”

“You’re doing yourself a very big favor.” Yue said. “It’s refreshing to have a patient willing to cooperate.”

“I want things to go back to how they were.  Your plan is the only one I have right now.” And besides, she had already stated that she would go through with it. Surrender wasn’t a flattering action.

“They will. Sooner than you think.”

Sooner still seemed so painfully long. At least now she was actually doing something. At least being on the team was a way to feel her progress as it happened. And yet, progress seemed so hard to acquire.

“It isn’t going to happen over night.”  Yue noted.

But it would happen. Azula decided so.

Her mind was made up.

And when it was, it couldn’t be wavered.

#Avatar #Azula #Zuko #Yue #Zirin #Katara #Sokka #Suki #Toph #Aang #Mai #TyLee #Fanfiction

[shsl-seinen]

45 questions...now that endgame has commenced

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Nope! She has no siblings and her mother’s gone up and left when she was young, so the closest she’s with is her father, whom of which she regrets not cherishing him enough before getting trapped in VR hell, so whoops! Sucks for you, Ai! (EDIT: I MISREAD THIS SLIGHTLY SO YOU GET EXTRA INFO ON AI’S THOUGHTS ABT HER DAD LOL) Speaking of mom…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Uhh not too well NOWADAYS, considering she left when Ai was young, but they spent time together watching TVs dramas and comedies and playing with Ai’s toys together and such, as Naoko (her mum’s name) was a stay-at-home mom. Nowadays Ai wonders how she is (in a bit of a more spiteful sense but…maybe it’s in a different sense now.) since she KNOWS her dad’s pretty lonely and a bit distraught for being left with her daughter (that resembles her a little too well, down to appearance, acrid tongue and drama love). …perhaps she’s forgotten about Ai and Yosuke by now. Speaking of THAAAT…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Well, pretty distant and a bit one-sided, unfortunately. They were like any other cute father-daughter pair up until Naoko left, then Yosuke (dad’s name) became a bit distraught with being left a single dad. (He works as a nurse at a hospital!) Still, he took care of her nonetheless–then Ai started to become distant by middle school. Her working on her drawings and getting bullied and developing a bit of a sleazy, drama-loving personality and all–it REALLY started to hit by high school. Even if Ai was raking in cash with her manga and giving a portion of it to dad to help financially, she basically kept cooped up in her room and their interactions were mere greetings. Heck, she mostly ate meals in her room! A shame, really.

Edit: Regret. She…she feels regret.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

THIS was a toughie. Perhaps one major thing was seeing Shoko Yazawa, the girl she indirectly gossiped about being a compensated dater, commit social suicide and basically disappear from Kameoka. She just…doesn’t feel comfy thinking about how she might actually be dead and how something that might have not even been true at ALL possibly cost her her social life. She may like drama, but she feels lies makes it…complicated? I can’t find the right word. Everything’s more authentic when it’s true and real, Ai feels.

EDIT: Cody’s deletion. It gave her the feeling that they very well may just be erased off the face of the Earth without feeling anything, in the blink of an eye. Mostly because, spoiler spoiler, Ai glitched out in the hospital space just like Cody but got spawned in a different area rather than deleted. So. Yeah. Scary.

EDIT 2: I GUESS DYING AND WHAT FOLLOWED AFTERWARD WAS AN EYE OPENER

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Out of game: strawberry gum/various candies, her phone, a spare pen/pencil or two just in case~! Not like she’d need to carry stuff in her pockets–she’s mostly a shut-in anyway!

In Telos Hell: Her ID, and…er, that’d…probably be it. I didn’t think this very through. In the case of what she often CARRIES (like, in her hands) it’d be snacks like pudding or candy and her sketchbook, I suppose.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Erm…this took a while to answer since I never thought that Ai would have dreams–I lowkey imagined her to be one of those dreamless sleepers. Y’know, granted she doesn’t get much shut-eye in the first place? But I suppose her dreams often involve her being a shadow or a ghost of some sorts in a bit of a beat-up town, just watching the town go on (robberies, theft, murder, or just…regular things like a couple arguing or girls gossiping) as no one notices her.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

This goes just as above, but I’ll list it out anyway: I feel something along the lines of all eyes and blinding lights always being on her wherever she tries to run, and all mouths (her classmates, her fans, her patrons her dad, her mom, Shoko) always speaking of her, revealing her gross nature in contrast to the mysterious but ladylike (??? I guess?) mangaka alias she pretends to be online. Maybe hands would be holding her down so she can’t run and has to face all the lights and all the people.

I figure she doesn’t have nightmares often, since, again, she doesn’t get much shuteye, but…ha

EDIT: Glitchy erasure has probably haunted her a few times nowadays.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Pretty much! She didn’t grow up POOR but things were probably pretty tight at one point in her life, considering Yosuke soon became a single working dad in the middle of Ai’s childhood. As soon as she started raking in that Sweet Sweet Manga Cash, however, she was happy to set out a portion of her money for her dad, so they ended up okay and a little well off! (Not rich but u get what i mean, hopefully)

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

More clothing–she just feels better that way.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Hoo-wee. It’s…a liiittle hard to say.

Tora chapter 2 was a doozy, but she wasn’t as scared then as she was, say...witnessing Cody getting erased, or glitching out HERSELF way back in ch7 when she was in the hospital space. She just felt...terrified, feeling like she’d suddenly disappear without another word, AND without feeling anything.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

Whenever she’s in her room, not disturbed by anyone, just browsing through social media idly with snacks on standby. Or asleep, considering … help this girl

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

She really isn’t…at least, she thought she wasn’t. She’s gotten pretty used to the sight of blood as a kid, when she’d gotten the occasional bloody nose from bullying back in her school days, and ofc with her job revolving around illustrating violence and sometimes GORE, you get immune to it!

At least, you think you do. As quoted from what I put on that FE AU spreadsheet a longass while ago “Gore looks much…mushier than on paper.”

Ryouji’s dead corpse was a nice ‘ol REVELATION for Ai. Since the closest thing to shit like that was descriptions of shit from the hospital (thanks nurse dad) and anatomy charts and guro art she’s browsed, seeing a REAL corpse in such a situation was…a game changer.

At this point, Ai’s a bit immune to it lol. So many bodies, yanno? She’s now…scarily used to it. Of course, the nature and customization of the executions are…unnerving to her, sometimes. I’m talking to you, Ryouji, lmao (She’ll probably still be pretty unnerved if she…ever…wants to go back to drawing manga tho…I don’t think she will. She’ll take a longass break.)

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Depends, I would think. Ingame: faces, but out of game, since she doesn’t really care for her classmates and real people and shit, she remembers names more. The internet is a far more vast place, after all.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

This is hard because I don’t think about this often myself

I guess she IS? She enjoys having things like snacks and desserts and tech around her, but she’s mostly just preoccupied with drama, relationships, fights and…people, I guess. I don’t have a good answer for this.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

I was about to say neither and point at “enjoyment”, but I guess…that could…sort of align with happiness? You can’t be a mangaka forever, and WHAT ELSE is she good for? Ha. She’d rather sit back and simply be able to enjoy a show rather than idealize shit like that. Life’s a show you can’t waste a minute to wake in!

…mm.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

Dolls, probably. Y’know, er…the equivalent of Barbie dolls, I guess? I can’t go too into depth since I haven’t fleshed out her childhood all too much, but…dolls seem accurate for her. She’d like dressing them up, decorating the houses (if that was a thing…?) and sometimes even playing pretend with them, I’d imagine–and Naoko would honestly play along with her, I’d think!

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

She admires the pettiness ambition of people around her, really. Just…seeing the lengths people would go for their goals, good or bad.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Like I said, she was literally alienated at the concept of people caring about her and her wellbeing.

Said alienation, initial refusal to accept praise of her, AND general nasty/careless/joking attitude, as well as her constant self-deprecation is a pretty fuckin’ big downer in relationships. Hell, part of her attitude already drives people away, she knows–might as well show she’s self-aware of it right?

…it’s definitely cost her potential friendships. Lots of ‘em.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Depends. …mostly the latter though. She knows she’s a piece of shit but occasionally she sees some people and goes “ok at least I’m not them tho lol”. Sorry Senji, Ryouji, some others I probably forgot to mention here. I still love you.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Oh hell yeah she thinks she deserves it. Karma, baby! Gotta love it.

What does your character like in other people?

Pettiness, wittiness, cunning, the ability to take a joke and make a joke–people who are laidback and careless enough to not be easily brought down. ok look masashi “hee-haw” oichi is a special case here, she thinks hee-haw is annoying but ill be damned if she doesnt eventually get used to it and admires masashi’s directness

What does your character dislike in other people?

Pettiness done WRONG to look like absolute immaturity…and on that note, people acting like loud immature brats in general, people who hold huge grudges over small and/or past events, haughtiness, tryhards (ok yes she can be a tad hypocritical but she’ll swear there’s a difference), people who (in her words, probs) have “sticks up their asses”…you surely get the gist.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

LMAO NOT QUICK @ ALL (especially in a game like this) she can drop trust pretty quickly tho ;0

…once you do end up gaining her trust, though, it’s strong with just a liiitle bit of doubt. As soon as you break it tho, her trust in you AND others plummet down the fucking toilet so lol

EDIT: ok so i’ll be honest now that it’s endgame, the reason she seems more willing to believe lies in others than she probs should is that she believes in predictability and also me myself, the mun, am Fucking Dumbass and fall for the lies myself, so if i can’t see past them even if Ai in-characterly Can, then im sorry my dudes im Fucking Dumb :’O

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Pretty quick, but she won’t necessarily voice it until she has a good opportunity. If they’re close to her, and she trusts them, she won’t suspect them unless shit seriously starts pointing to them, then it starts getting 👀👀👀

How does your character behave around children?

[ai voice] i think the fuck not, goodbye

She doesn’t…handle children well.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

haha……………..she doesn’t (usually)

She literally watches drama from afar, you think she wanna get involved in shit?

…when she does deal with it, she replies as bluntly and honestly as possible so she can get it over with. confrontation? no thanks lol

…maybe she’ll add some sass when she finds a good opportunity if she wants to make the confronter feel like a dumbass or smth, or if it starts to piss her off.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Ai…knows that violence in a losing battle for her. She’s weak. (….listen ryouji was already down in that one trial, ok) If a punch is thrown, she’ll either dodge and run, or take it and scuttle, tbh.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

She didn’t really have those types of dreams as a kid, really?? But maybe her drawings as she grew up started to make her think of being an artist. And…well, it DID come true, right? …with, y’know, the cost of tons of potential friendships. And other shit. ha

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Well, ONE thing is wasted opportunity, which is why, as you saw, Ai was PISSED at Ryouji when he was the chapter 6 culprit.

…okay, that’s very exaggerated for being listed and something “repulsive” to her, but…disgusting? ye.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Same spiel as the calm one, if you scroll up: in her room back at Kameoka, no one bothering her, the sound of rain and muffled thunder rumbles outside as she scrolls through the internet, snacks at her side while feeling cozy af in warm clothing/probably a blanket over her.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

I can list a few, actually! A certain text conversation between Andrew and Ai during Chapter 6, CHPT4 MONOTHEATER IN TORA AND CHPT5 MONOTHEATER? IN TELOS I BELIEVE? Because there was a very down, depressed vibe goin’ on–mostly the reaction of the deaths and all that, and the feeling that…everyone’s in despair. And tense. It’s infectious, unfortunately.

…and also, er, tora chpt2 trial. You Know,

EDIT: Cody’s erasure lol

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

SELF-DEPRECATION, BABY ;0

Nowadays, thanks to the magic of Character Development, she’s starting to see that she can improve. So she does the third one more, now.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

She’s definitely the type to keep trying a certain method a few times before moving on in frustration.

How does your character behave around people they like?

Laidback, and more open, with banter all around! If you’re someone she likes who has…made an impact on her (like Holly acting like a big sis for her, thanks holly ily) then she’ll still make jokes but not be as biting! She’ll try to be more lightheartedly jokey rather than have each joke be a diss.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Prepare for disses, eye rolls and snappy attitudes…or, er, just straight up disrespect and igonring.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Protecting their status, most likely. She…has no honor, really.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

*ahem*

abscond

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

Nope! Never been bitten, and she certainly doesn’t plan to!

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

General respect and decency whenever she DOES go out for, say, groceries at 7/11 or something. She’d generally like to leave asap when she goes out though, so she does sometimes ask to, like, quicken the pace. What did the service job people ever do to her, anyhow, besides like, possibly make her wait? No disses here, thank god

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Ai feels she doesn’t…deserve a lot of things she has, and definitely thinks that a lot of kids in Telos don’t deserve the shit they get thrown at them either (but, yes, there are some who she thinks do get what’s coming for them, but not many), so it’d be the latter, I suppose.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Nope. Easy answer.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

…not dependent, but…there’s one person who does a pretty good job trying to be one for her. (Spoiler alert it’s Holly, god bless this water polo player I love her so much get better soon athena ur great ily)

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Pretty goddamn difficult. She thinks of it as a bit of a hard thing to say herself, but agrees it’s something thrown around way too much nowadays–which is, in part, why it’s hard for her to say. (Also she’s never really gotten it from anyone except her parents ha) Ai doesn’t and wouldn’t say it in general (unless it’s joking with friends but even THEN its rare bc Got Damn can’t have too much hypocricy) since it’s a bit overused in society and seems like a throwaway term w/o meaning. When she DOES wanna say it MEANINGFULLY, she’d really want to MEAN it, which is hard with…the kind of mindset she has on the word.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

She doesn’t know!

Which is exactly what scares her.

Not like she thinks about it often, though! (er…well…maybe she does now.)

Nor does she want to. :)

EDIT: this still goes unchanged but it goes to show, uh...what she might’ve thought when she was “dying” at the time.

#[👁about👁] #[🖥ooc🖥] #as of 6/17/17 i have drafted this and ill post it endgame :3c