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rue-by-another-name · 6 years

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Mes Yeux - h.s. a.u. Part 1

Hi lovely humans! This is the one shot I decided to write after going through countless suggestions and requests. If you’re wondering what has inspired this one shot, it’s a combination of things. Partially the pain felt from The Lumineers song ‘My Eyes’ from their Cleopatra album. There’s a painting by Van Gogh called Cafe Terrace at Night (below) that inspired the location, and also the 1980′s ... which is the time period this one shot takes place.

I think the struggle to maybe attempt a long-distance relationship at a time when there weren’t as many forms of staying in touch is really fascinating and the idea of feeling isolated from those you love due to careers and locations is a beautifully sad thing to explore. I wanted to write something that focused on the characters in the now and together, instead of apart and communicating through multiple forms and technological advancements. Basically, I wanted to write something emotionally mundane and pure about fragile humans.

And with that sad note, I hope you enjoy! (There is another quick note at the end.)

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It had been a while since you’d been back to Viv’s villa in the north of Italy. It was 1983 now, but the last time you’d seen the romantic rustic villa it had been the late 70′s and you’d merely been a teenager.

When you were younger, when you were all younger, you’d spent every waking second wishing it were the summer and that you were back playing in the cobble streets. You could still remember the cold water on your sun-kissed skin, and how you’d waited all year to show off your first bikini.

But that was back when you were younger, when you were a child. Even your teen years felt like ages ago, and you hadn’t been back in two years. The last time you’d stepped foot on the gorgeous grounds of the magnificent and old villa had been when you were twenty, and now four years later you were in the back of an old taxi that somehow still ran as you pulled up at the stone castle-esque mansion.

Viv, Vivian Lombard, your childhood best friend, was waiting on the steps for you. Her long hair was pulled back in a ponytail by a silk scarf, and the sundress she had on made her seem like an ethereal princess.

Nothing had changed.

Immediately she was running up to you as you reached out and nearly screamed in each other’s faces.

“It’s been so long!” Viv cried, crushing you in a hug, “Oh look at you!” She twirled you around as you giggled and fisted your hands in her dress.

“And look at you!” you cried, “Where is the ring; I have to see the ring.”

When you were younger, you and Viv had spent every summer together in Northern Italy. Your parents worked together as professors of history, alongside other scholars who all got together every summer for academic conferences and, basically, vacationing together. There had been a small group of you children who always met up – you and Viv, Geoff, Mari, Luca and Harry. The five of you were so close, and you grew up every summer together.

It had been a while since you’d all been together, since you’d all gone your separate ways and no longer traveled with your parents. But Viv and Geoff were now engaged and it had been Viv’s fabulous idea to bring as many of you together as possible.

“Mari got here an hour ago,” Viv said, looping her arm through yours as you admired the ring on her finger and walked towards the house. “Luca will be here soon.”

“Oi Luca,” you sighed, brushing your hair from your face, “Il mio amore.”

It was common knowledge that Luca had always adored you. When you were younger he had always pushed to spend more time with you. You loved him dearly, but you had never felt anything romantic towards him. At times you had wondered what life with Luca diCastro would be like. What would a life be with a wealthy Italian boy?

But it was not for you.

You were happy in Normandy, and you were happy with your pottery studio. You were glad you’d stayed in France, only moving from Paris to Normandy since your parents still lived in Paris and you wanted to be independent (but not as independent as you had been when you’d gone to uni in Leeds), so Normandy was the right spot.

“Y/N!” Mari came tumbling down the staircase and nearly crashed into you as her small body took you on. “It’s so good to see you! It’s been a full two years! How are you? How is Russell?”

Russell, your little beagle, was essentially your child. As a vet, Mari had helped you care for Russell on multiple occasions over the phone whenever you’d worried for him. If it weren’t for your helicopter parenting over Russell, you honestly wondered if you and Mari would ever truly talk. Though you and Mari had always been close, there was always this invisible wall between the two of you. You weren’t sure why it was there, but you’d never been able to open up and chill with Mari as you could with Viv. You never went out of your way to visit Mari the way you did with Viv.

But you placed those thoughts aside as you and Mari caught up. Geoff came in, a smile taking up his entire face, as he gave you a hug and kissed your forehead. “We’re so happy to have your back Y/N. It’s a miracle you were able to come.” His eyes twinkled.

“It’s good to be back,” you replied honestly. You’d initially had to decline your invitation due to your business possibly not being able to stay open while you were away. Closing your shop for a month was a long time, but your assistant had reassured you everything would be okay, so you’d booked your train ticket last minute.

The door had been open this entire time, and the sound of bags hitting the ground made the four of your turn. “Are you starting the reunion without me?”

Luca stood in the doorway, arms wide open as you all rushed towards him. You couldn’t tell whose arm belonged to whom, but the warmth you felt from your longtime friends was far too sincere and pure to question it.

“Oh it’s been too long by long-lost love,” Luca pretended to wipe tears from his eyes before his kissed your hand. “You are as gorgeous as all the constellations at night and all the flowers in the field under the sunlight.”

“So are you still trying to be a poet then?” Viv smirked and squeezed your shoulders as you all cooed and messed with Luca, the romantic.

“I’m simply overcome with emotion bursting from within me for seeing sweet Y/N again,” he sighed.

“That’s not the only thing that bursts I’m sure when you think of Y/N,” Geoff chuckled, grabbing your bags from the doorway and offering to take them up to your room.

“We figured we could have dinner out back?” Viv suggested, “Under the trees and out of the sun?”

“That sounds very nostalgic,” you smiled, “How can I help with dinner?”

No one mentioned Harry, and you knew it was because he was the busiest of all of you. It was surprising that you were all getting on so well without him here. Though this had always been Viv’s family’s villa, Harry had always sort of run things. But he had done it in a way you’d admired. He was never boastful, never flat-out demanded he lead the pack, but instead he’d kept the peace between all of you and compromised faster than there was an issue.

In the past years Harry had been remarkably busy. You couldn’t imagine the life of a demanding author. He was touring with his novels all the time, and though you had never read one, you knew from the reviews that they were every readers’ dream. You weren’t surprised when Harry became an accomplished author. He’d always had a way with words.

The long table out behind the mansion was just how you remembered it as vines attempted to grow up the legs. The back area behind the mansion seemed to go on for ages, and you’d always enjoyed sprawling out amongst the trees picking apples and reading a book. The thought of doing this again excited you.

The topic of conversation immediately fell to the wedding. “We were thinking of having it here,” Viv suggested, “But Geoff’s parents would rather us get married in a church. We’ll probably end up in Florence.”

“Oh but here would be so lovely,” you cooed, “You met here, and the scenery would be enchanting.”

“My parents are the strongest Florentines to exist on this earth since Donatello and da Vinci. It is already breaking their hearts for us to live in Rome, so marrying in Florence might ease the tide,” Geoff chuckled. You quickly agreed.

It was into dessert that a taxi pulled up and made you all turn to see who would arrive. You watched the yellow vehicle make its way up the twisting dirt road and placed bets on who you figured it would be.

“I bet it’s Gino,” Viv sighed, “Our hedges have been looking so sad lately.”

“Gino is still your gardener?” Mari gasped, “He must be a hundred years old.”

“No darling we asked Tara to come and bring eggs from her farm for breakfast this week,” Geoff reminded his fiancée.

“Or it’s another tourist,” Luca grumbled, “They always find this place romantic.”

The taxi stopped and you squinted against the setting sun to catch a glimpse at the silhouette. Tall, lanky, you merely whispered, “It’s Harry,” before the five of you were standing and screaming that Harry Styles had arrived. He had barely paid the cab driver before you were all throwing yourselves at him. Mari was first, nearly leaping into his arms as you heard his laugh loud and clear. It sent shivers down your spin as you and Viv walked towards where he was kissing Mari’s cheek before letting her down and enveloping Geoff in a hug.

“Some things never change,” Viv chuckled under her breath. You both watched as Mari was nearly going out of her mind. She couldn’t stop bouncing around in the presence of Harry. It was clear very early on as you’d all gotten older that Mari was infatuated by Harry. It seemed she still was.

“Oh mate it’s good to see you,” Harry was saying to Luca as they hugged, “How is your mum? She always sends me the nicest birthday cards.”

Luca laughed, “She’s still in love with you, is what she is.”

“Harry,” Viv smiled brightly, “We thought you weren’t going to make it! This is such a surprise!”

Harry’s face must have hurt from smiling as he bent down and twirled Viv around. “Well, you know, I was thinking about it and I’m too damn young to stick around and work all the time. I was also able to convince my agent that I could use this trip for inspiration for my next book.”

“And what inspiration could we possibly provide?” You couldn’t help yourself as Harry’s face registered shock as he looked at you. Your smile faltered as your eyes finally met, and you cleared your throat before stepping forward and stepping into Harry’s hesitant arms.

“Y/N,” he said softly and pulled away rather quickly, clearing his throat and keeping a smile on his face. The smile wasn’t as genuine as it once was though, and your heart hurt. “I didn’t know you would be here. Viv said you also couldn’t get away from work.”

“It was a last minute decision,” you shrugged, “It all kind of worked out. It is lovely to see you again.”

“Yes,” Harry nodded, “It is.”

“Well!” Geoff clapped his hands as Luca slapped Harry encouragingly on the back. “Wine?”

Harry lugged his bags to the doorway of the villa and left them there before following Geoff into the kitchen to retrieve glasses and a bottle of wine. You sat back down between Viv and Luca, and instantly Luca put his arm around you, pulling you into his side.

As Harry and Geoff arrived, setting down the glasses, Luca said, “The last time I had wine with you vita mia was when we were at that art gallery in Berlin.”

Mari gagged, “Under no circumstances should you ever call Y/N your ‘life.’ It’s too damn weird and even a poet like you has his limits.”

“A poet now?” Harry asked, eyeing the two of you from across the table. “Last I remember Luca you were a photographer?”

“Traveling is not for me,” Luca sighed, “I like being in one place and able to work in comfort.”

“And being out in unfamiliar places, amidst strangers with unlimited potential isn’t of interest to a poet? I thought poems were built on life experiences,” Harry raised an eyebrow over his wine glass as you tried to hold back a laugh by biting your lip.

Luca unwound his arm from you and reached for a wine glass. “It’s a work in process.”

Luca had always been jealous of Harry, and you all could definitely see why. Harry was tall, tan and successful with nice muscles and dimples. Luca was a bit shorter and you were pretty sure he was 24, already balding, and unsure what he wants to do with his life. But he was a trust fund baby, so at least he had the money to do so.

The night continued into the near early morning as you sat around and caught up. You found yourself regarding Harry from time to time over your wine glass, basking in the warmth of your wine and wondering if Harry looked so defined only because of the candles lighting his face.

“I’m so sleepy,” Mari mumbled tiredly. She’d most definitely had the most to drink, and you could tell by the color in her cheeks that she was a bit past tipsy.

“Alright love bug,” Harry chuckled, “Let’s get you to bed then.”

“Oh Harry,” Mari reached for his face, “Would you carry me?”

You watched as Harry scooped her up effortlessly, Viv giggling at how she flopped in his arms. “Same rooms?” Harry asked as he turned to Viv and Geoff.

“The very same sweetheart,” Viv pinched Harry’s cheek, “So happy you showed up.”

Harry adjusted the already asleep Mari in his arms as he smiled down at your friend. “I’m happy I’m here too.”

You lagged behind, cleaning up the glasses and taking them into the kitchen as you bid everyone a goodnight. The moonlight was reflecting off the tiles and the shiny pots and pans as you placed the glasses in the sink and stretched up, yawning.

“So glad I finally got you alone,” Luca smiled as he walked into the kitchen, “I’ve been meaning to ask you something since the moment I saw you.”

“If you’re going to propose, you should know I’m not ready,” you joked. Luca merely rolled his eyes.

“No listen this is serious,” he grasped your hands in his as he leaned against the kitchen island. “I know I’m all over the place with my job, or my ventures, but I’ve been thinking of investing in a small business and was wondering if I could help out your pottery shop.”

You were shocked, to say the least. Under all the flirtatious bravado, you knew Luca to be a really solid and stand up guy, so you weren’t surprised that he was having a serious conversation with you, but more that he was willing to invest with his money.

“Invest?” you questioned him, “Are you serious?”

“Harry was right,” Luca shrugged, “I really am not cut out to be a poet. I’ve always been good with money and I have a business degree. Why not invest?”

“But why me?” you asked.

Luca gave you a pointed look, tilted his head slightly as if questioning if you were really asking that question. “Y/N,” he sighed, “Come on you know why.”

“Well I –”

“I call you at least every other week to check in,” Luca said, “I send you things whenever something reminds me of you. I can tell almost immediately by the tone of your voice when something’s wrong and, Y/N,” Luca paused for a moment and squeezed your hands, “I just feel like we could be good together. I know it’s a schoolboy fantasy, but if I’ve been obsessed with you this long then at least you know my feelings are genuine.”

You pulled your hand from his to rest on his cheek. “Luca you are so sweet,” you whispered, “And you know I love you. I’m just not sure …” You weren’t sure how to phrase it, and you didn’t want to tell Luca the truth, and so you bit your lip.

“I know you’re hesitant,” Luca kissed the palm of your hand, “But at least thing about it? And don’t think that I’m only investing in your shop because I love you.”

You couldn’t help but suck in a breath as Luca spoke of his love for you. You felt awful for turning him down so many times, but you would miss him if you lost him completely. It was the most selfish thing you’d ever done and you knew it.

“I know,” you nodded, “We can talk more about it in the upcoming month, yes?”

“Absolutely,” Luca nodded.

“And who knows, things can change,” you suggested. You wondered if that was true. Could you grow to love Luca the way you’d loved in the past? He was sweet and endearing and he had devoted himself to you on countless occasions. Maybe it truly was possible.

“That’s all I ask,” Luca smiled and leaned in to press a soft kiss to your forehead. “Don’t stay up to late, okay?”

“I’ll be right up after you,” you nodded, “I’m just going to rinse these glasses.”

“Goodnight Y/N,” Luca smiled before squeezing your hand one more time and leaving up the staircase. You immediately felt exhausted, turning to the sink and resting your elbows on the edge as you covered your face. You hadn’t even finished the day and already you’d had more surprises than you could handle.

“I wish I’d known you would be here.”

Ah yes, another one of the surprises you hadn’t anticipated.

Your body went slightly rigid as you turned and looked to see Harry in the doorway as if he was hesitant to walk all the way in. He shoved his hands in his pockets before stepping into the moonlight and letting out a long breath.

“I didn’t think to reach out because I didn’t think you’d answer,” you said softly. Your heart ached as you looked at him, moonlight catching on the tips of his curls and washing over his neck and face.

Harry nodded, standing across from you as you allowed the kitchen island to create a space between you. You hadn’t seen Harry for three years, and in those past two years you’d both changed quite significantly.

You and Harry stared at each other for a moment, each regarding one another, before Harry finally said, “How have you been?”

“Good. The pottery shop has been really successful. How has writing been?”

“I’m at a bit of a block at the moment but I’m hoping that’ll change soon.”

You nodded and crossed your arms in an attempt to hide your aching heart. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Harry whispered. “I’m sorry things … I’m sorry for the way things went.”

“I think we always knew things wouldn’t work out,” you admitted, “That’s why we never told anyone.”

“Leaving you was so difficult.” Harry’s voice cracked in the middle of the sentence and he ran his fingers through his hair nervously. You felt as though you could cry at any moment. You never thought you’d be this close to Harry ever again, let alone have a conversation with him. You figured you’d have to see each other at Viv and Geoff’s wedding, but weddings involve so many people that you had been determined to avoid him.

“It was for both of us,” you acknowledged and reached for a dish towel to finish cleaning the glasses.

The last time you and your friends had spent the summer at Viv’s villa was when you were all twenty. You were all still in uni but hadn’t gotten internships yet, and you were just starting to figure out your life. Everything was just as it had always been. You spent days exploring the little villages and lounging by the lagoon out behind the villa. You drove to the beach for the day and spent days out on the boat. Your nights were spent dancing at clubs or at outside parties and you would drink until your brain was just fuzzy enough for everything to make you giggle.

There had always been something between you and Harry. The two of you were the closest of the six. Your final year before going off to uni, Harry had spent the year living with you and your family in Paris as an exchange student. The constant close proximity, spending hours together in school working hard, and then being in what seemed like the real world compared to the magic summers you’d spent together solidified both of your suspicions that the interest you’d felt for one another was much more than just a summertime fling.

Neither of you acted on it, however, considering you were both staying under the roof of your parents. And the following summer before going off to uni both of you were far too scared and naïve to do anything about it. It took spending a year apart in new worlds for you both to come back after your first year at uni to really feel the true ache of being apart.

It was the middle of that summer that you started stealing away to kiss in the vineyard, or spend nights skinny-dipping in the lagoon. You spent long nights in each other’s beds and you felt you were pouring your soul into Harry’s endless light green eyes. You’d both gone out into the world and changed, and now that you were back in Northern Italy with the summer to waste away, you wanted to be together.

It was all in secret though, of course. Mari was obviously crushing on Harry, as she always had been, and she was already irritable enough that you’d spent the whole year with Harry all to yourself. Viv tried to tell Mari that the two of you spent so much time together because you’d become like brother and sister during the school year. But you had a feeling Viv knew what you and Harry were up to. She’d always known everything about you before you’d had to tell her.

The summer ended and you all parted ways back to your respective universities. Looking back, you had a feeling you all knew that was your last summer together. After your second year at uni things got a bit more serious in regards to careers and internships that having a whole summer free would be a miracle. But you were back to Leeds and Harry back to Cambridge.

You felt lucky considering you and Harry ended up in school in the same country, and a foreign world for you was his homeland. You visited each other as much as you could, continuing to drown in each other’s affection, and things seemed so effortless and surreal.

But of course it all fell apart unexpectedly. You spent summers busy and apart, both working, and hardly were able to keep in touch. You were separated from what felt like who you truly were spending a summer away from Harry and the others, and you started to feel guilty that you were spending so much time trying to catch up with Harry when you hadn’t called any of your other friends in weeks.

It fell apart slowly. You stopped visiting one another and you were crying over the phone more than you were talking. Things just weren’t working out so far apart, and upon graduation it was obvious you were both moving on.

You did have one moment though before you officially parted ways. It was two weeks after you’d graduated. You’d moved to Normandy and found your small shop. The tiny flat above the shop was endearing and everything a uni graduate could possibly want. Viv and Geoff had already come by to visit and catch up, and you knew Luca would be coming around the following week. But what you didn’t expect was to find Harry outside your shop waiting for you early in the morning.

Considering you never really deemed what your relationship was, you weren’t entirely sure how to word a break up. It was difficult since you both still loved one another, and it wasn’t that you were falling out of love, it was that you were falling so deeply in love that the idea of being apart was more painful than trying to be together.

You spent the morning drinking tea and catching up. Harry told you he was going to try writing and being a novelist, and you encouraged him to do so. There was this unspoken understanding that, in order to minimize pain, you both wouldn’t see each other again unless necessary. And so that day you didn’t unpack anything. That day you stayed in bed (or on your mattress on the floor) and you pressed your lips to every part of Harry he would offer you, and he did the same.

If you closed your eyes and laid very still even now, you could still remember the way his hands felt on your body that day, and the hot tears that had collected on your neck as he’d sobbed against you. You’d clung so hard to him that day and late into the night that when he left the next morning there were fingerprints on his shoulders from where you’d gripped him in hopes he wouldn’t leave.

That was three years ago, and since then you’d tried your best to keep away. You were so proud of him and you’d heard so many great things through Viv and the others, but you’d not wanted to throw yourself at him in any way.

But now here you both were standing in the kitchen at one in the morning. You had a whole month ahead of you, and considering you were back where it had all started, you were overly emotional as is.

“Y/N I –” Harry stopped himself as he stepped around the island and you reached out, fisting your hand in his shirt. You both seemed to be holding your breath as his arms wrapped slowly around your waist. It felt natural and his body was warm against yours as you arched slightly into him, pressing as much of your weight slowly against him as he leaned against the island and rested his forehead to yours.

Your whole body seemed to be vibrating as the energy within you was about to burst. Your hands came to hold Harry’s arms that were locked around your waist and you brushed your nose against Harry’s as you both stood there. Your mouth was open slightly, working against your brain as you tried your best to tear away but couldn’t.

Harry moaned as he held you closer, his fingertips digging into your skin as you furrowed your eyebrows and sucked in a breath when your lips were a breath apart and you could feel his breath on your face. His eyelashes fluttered against your cheeks as his top lip brushed against yours, catching between your lips before he ducked his head and rested his forehead in the crook of your neck.

“We can’t we can’t we can’t,” he whispered softly. “It’ll just be the same.”

You nodded, reaching up and entwining your fingers in his curls to press his face closer to you as if you were asking him to just consume you.

Finally, you realized you were the one that needed to pull away as you let go of Harry and stepped back. His arms fell to his sides and he cleared his throat. “Are you in a relationship?” he asked, “Have you been?”

“Nia and I broke up about a year ago,” you bit your lip, “We only dated for five months but I liked her. She as sweet and nice to me always.”

“I haven’t,” Harry mumbled, “I’ve … I’ve been with people but I haven’t …” He cleared his throat and looked out the window. Three years was a long time, and you had been in an actual relationship. Just hearing that Harry had been with other women hurt your heart, and you couldn’t even imagine what Harry must feel knowing you’d had strong enough feelings for someone to actually be with them.

“Luca,” you cleared your throat, “Luca offered to help finance my business. He wants to invest.”

Harry raised his eyebrows, “That’s very kind of him. He’s in love with you. He always has been.” Harry crossed his arms as he continued to lean against the kitchen island, his back slumped slightly and legs crossed in front of him.

“He said that’s not why he’s interested,” you stated, “But … But the feelings have always been there.”

“And you’re far too kind to be with anyone else while he’s being so giving to you,” Harry nodded, “You were always the noblest of us all.”

“Well Mari still seems interested in you,” you suggested, “Could you ever …?”

Just by the look on Harry’s face you got a bad feeling. You took a step farther back, a stumble more like, as Harry covered his face with his hands. “Harry,” you whispered.

“We didn’t sleep together,” Harry said quickly, “But I … she’s visited often and whenever I was close I would stop by. I entertained a few dates. We … we made out heavily once.”

“Oh her poor heart,” you whispered, “How could you take advantage of her like that?”

“Oh please,” Harry scoffed, “I told her from the start I wasn’t interested in her like that. But you know how good she is at getting us all drunk.”

You tsked before reaching for your chest as it felt it was caving in. Harry and Mari. You’d never even considered it possible since you’d always known Harry wasn’t interested in her, but knowing that they’d had a life outside of your knowledge, and that Mari hadn’t brought it up, it made you think that maybe Mari was a bit wiser than you’d figured about the summer you and Harry had spent so much time together and that maybe she’d not told you for a reason.

You felt like you were burning. But who were you to judge? You were mature, and you knew that any chance of you and Harry being together wasn’t possible when you lived such separate lives. You’d already tried and failed – failed so hard you’d felt you were dying for months after he left.

“Maybe you two could work out,” you suggested, “Have you ever thought that -?”

“No,” Harry cut you off, “No of course not.”

“But if there’s no chance for –”

“What?” Harry’s eyes were burning as he looked at you, “You think that just because there’s no chance for us that I’d just be interested in another friend? Part of the reason I’m not interested in Mari is because of you. She reminds me of you. They all do. Viv, Geoff, Luca, Mari – they’re all reflections and memories of you. Of us. I can’t just forget how you felt wrapped up in my arms or under me on the blankets by the lagoon at night. If I could I’d –”

The kitchen lights turned on rather suddenly and you and Harry startled, blinking rapidly to adjust to the light. Viv stood in her slip, staring back at you both with her hair falling down her shoulders and face free of makeup.

“It’s rather late,” she simply said, “I’m surprised you’re both not in bed. Plenty of time to catch up with all of us during the day, don’t you think?”

Instantly you nodded, “It is getting late,” you nodded. You looked to Harry briefly, “It’s good to see you again. I’m glad you’re here,” you said honestly before kissing Viv’s cheek and running up the stairs quietly to your room.

You left the balcony doors open, undressing rather quickly and sniffling to keep your tears at bay as you could hear Harry on the other side of the wall, beds moved right up against each other with only a wall separating the two of you just like old times. At one point summers ago that thin wall had been a curse, an obstacle keeping you and Harry apart when you wanted to be in the same bed. But now you clung to that wall like a lifeline, knowing that if it wasn’t there you might still be jumping back into his bed, throwing caution into the wind and setting yourself up for just another heartbreak.

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Part 2 HERE.

Thank you for the love and support! I love all of you so dearly it hurts me.

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