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vvynia · 5 months

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abby and your family’s thanksgiving

pairing: a. anderson x black southern belle!reader

genre: fluff w/ brief mention of smut (mdni)

word count: its headcanons so its short but idk the specific number sowwwy

warnings: not beta read, brief mentions of homophobia but only bc reader’s family isn’t like that, mention of family drama, pregnancy mention, brief moment where religion is talked about (saying grace/prayer)

synopsis: this is literally just headcanons of what would happen if our beloved abby anderson attended your family’s thanksgiving/reunion if you don’t celebrate. very much black reader-centric, but anyone’s welcome to read it esp if you’re from the south cause this is also heavily southern reader coded.

bringing abby anderson to your black (southern) family’s thanksgiving would be a sight to behold.

and imagine its everyone’s FIRST time meeting her too. assuming everyone is super cool and unhateful, i just know she’d have all the aunties’ attention. they see her height, her build and turn to you talkin about, “now, where’d you find her?”

abby would 100% be in ya grandmama’s backyard huddled around the grill with the uncles and dads. she’s got a lil beer in hand (she probably doesn’t even like beer but she likes fitting in and it isn’t all bad when the bonding is genuine) one of em goes “mhm that turkey bout done smokin” and abby is taking mental notes cause one day, she’s gonna smoke a turkey for you two’s family, in your backyard, and your grandkids are gonna be running around

the kids are OBSESSED with her. they climb her like she’s a jungle gym, ask her to throw them in the air, ask her all types of questions. “ABIGAIL! come play with us!” and she does, but the whole time she’s wondering how they discovered what her full name is cause she sure ain’t tell em lool

sometime after, she gets together in the livingroom with you and your cousins, then that one uncle or aunt comes in, says a few words, then leaves with a plate. the gossip commences lol and she’s so in tune to what ya’ll are talking about. she thought her family could dog somebody out?

all that pales in comparison to yall’s words. these sly (and sometimes even blatant) insults are unhinged, the storyline is juicy. she feels like she’s listening to an audiobook of lore. and whenever she asks a question for clarification, someone is always ready to start from the beginning with “see, what had happened was” and “to make a long story short” (the story was not made short)

then it actually comes time to eat, time for her to have her taste buds born anew

your family has whipped up some southern classics: sweet potato pie, pig feet, neck bones and collard greens, cabbage, pound cake, and every other dish you can think of.

you were in charge of the sweet tea, but this year you made a peach batch cause you know abby likes peaches 🥰

ya’ll say grace cause lets be real, if this is the south, somebody baptist and its probably the family matriarch lol

abby is respectful about it whether she believes in god or not cause your family has treated her with the most open of arms and she can feel the love and hospitality all around (if god is real, she thinks, he would’ve wanted everyone who believes in him to be like my sweet girl’s family)

when ya’ll are done and everyone has plated their food, they’re all silently waiting for the white girl’s reaction. they’re trying to play it off, be casual, not stare LOL but they know what’s coming i must admit

and abby doesn’t disappoint cause as you’re sitting next to her, soon as she puts some of them collard greens in her mouth and a couple candied yams and your grandaddy’s secret cast iron skillet macaroni recipe in her mouth, the satisfaction is written all over her face

everyone starts laughing when one of the kids say, “damn, girl, is it good?” to which they’re scolded lol but ofc abby nods like she’s trying to shake the hair follicles out her head

after everyone has ate and said what they’re thankful for (she says she’s thankful for you ofc but she leaves out how thankful she is for getting to strap you down at least twice a week), you two go sit on the porch alone.

you’re leaned against her in a two-seater rocking chair, bellies impossibly full, enjoying the gentle breeze and setting sun and the scent of food that is still wafting from the house

one of your cousin’s kids runs up from the backyard, comes up to you asking for help with opening a new toy, so you help

abby sees how cool you are, how in your element you are with your family, and this moment truly solidifies how much she wants this with you too. ya’ll have had the kids conversation before, so she knows you want at least one

she can’t help but think how gorgeous you’d look bein her housewife, barefoot and pregnant and divine and ethereal, starting a family, never having to worry for a thing bc she’s gonna take care of you

and she knows, when she needs it, you’ll take care of her too

I LOVE LOVE

#abby anderson x black reader #abby anderson x reader #abby x reader #abby headcanons #abby anderson #thanksgiving #tlou 2 #tlou #lesbian #wlw

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allofbeercom · 6 years

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5 Downsides To Being A Movie Monster Nobody Brings Up

Being a supernatural movie monster, like a vampire or a werewolf, may seem like a sweet deal. Aside from being represented by some of the worst movies ever, you’re super strong, you live forever, and if you blast your music really late at night, nobody will have the guts to knock on your door. But there are some less-than-obvious downsides to life as a horror sapiens. For example …

Werewolves Would Be Allergic To Everything

There are many ways to kill a vampire: garlic, holy water, wooden stakes, sunlight, crucifixes, teenage heartbreak, etc. But for werewolves, there’s only one weakness: silver. They can only be stopped by a sharpshooter with enough disposable income to make bullets out of precious metals. (So … Texas oilmen?) But wait, who said werewolves are only weak to silver bullets? Nobody, that’s who. In fact, according to many myths and legends, the mere touch of anything silver is enough to slow down and/or kill a lycanthrope. Even in the original Wolf Man movie, two werewolves are killed not by gunshots, but by being bludgeoned with a silver-tipped cane, once wielded by an elderly man.

Universal Pictures “I TOLD YOU TO STOP SHITTING ON MY LAWN!”

To a werewolf, all silver is like kryptonite covered in acid. And that’s why none of them would ever survive in the modern world.

Silver is an excellent conductor, which is why you can find it in pretty much every electronic device you own: computers, cellphones, batteries, cars, light switches, CDs, DVDs. The metal is even widely used in mirrors, windows, and light bulbs. How many werewolves does it take to change a light bulb? Fucking none, that’s how many.

As it turns out, silver is excellent at killing both werewolves and bacteria, which is why hospitals make most of their stuff out of it, from surgical tools to door handles. It’s also why silver is being used to filtrate/purify municipal water supplies. Need a werewolf dead? Give it a glass of tap water.

Vampires Would Have To Buy Their Own Coffins

“Coffins. Coffins, unfortunately, are a necessity,” says Brad Pitt in your dangerously unhinged aunt’s favorite movie, Interview With The Vampire. But have you ever considered the practical reality of that? For the nosferatu on a budget, we suppose they could steal one from a graveyard, but it would probably be like stealing a used condom: gross and smelling like old stiffs.

Buying a new casket comes with its own set of problems. First, you’d have to invent some sob story about yourself or a loved one dying soon. We have no idea what kind of web of lies you’d have to spin for the funeral house to let you climb inside a coffin and test out its lumbar support. Plus, low-end coffins start at around $1,000, with the more pimped-out models going for $10,000 and up.

Warner Bros. Pictures “Do you plan on getting laid at any point during the rest of eternity? Then spring for the fucking deluxe model.”

Finally, there is no way you could get your new coffin home on your own. How do you even ask a friend for help with that sort of thing? There isn’t enough beer and pizza in the world for someone not to ask why you’re buying a corpse container for your own house. An online store could probably deliver the casket discreetly, but those deliverymen will also have questions. And you will not have answers.

Oh wait, “I’m just super goth.” Never mind, this one’s easy.

A Mummy’s Worst Enemy Would Be YouTube

In the 1999 Mummy movie, the resurrected priest Imhotep was the entire Xavier Institute crammed into one bronzed, bald package. He was immortal, super strong, invulnerable, could suck out people’s life force, turned into sandstorms, etc. He basically had no weaknesses. Except for cats. In one scene, Brendan Fraser manages to scare the titular Mummy away by showing him a cat. Imhotep takes one look at it and instantly bolts out the window.

Universal Pictures “Play him off, Keyboard Cat.”

This makes a lot of sense, seeing as how cats were considered guardians of the underworld in ancient Egyptian mythology, and Imhotep’s soul was supposed to be cursed in the afterlife. And today, all of us carry around a way to display lifelike images of cats at a second’s notice. If that ancient Egyptian priest rose from the dead in 2017, any old schmo would be able to stop him dead just by taking their phone out and opening up YouTube.

Stopping A Werewolf Would Be Incredibly Simple

What, you thought we were done ruining werewolves for you? If Hollywood won’t stop, then why should we?

Have you ever wondered why the Wolf Man remake kept the story confined to the 19th century and the countryside, instead of updating it to modern times and a big city? Because that’s what An American Werewolf In London did, and we’d like to remind you how long the titular character was able to stalk the UK capital, killing people: two nights, after which he was easily shot dead by police.

When you get down to it, a werewolf is nothing but a really big animal, with animal intelligence, and humanity’s entire origin story boils down to learning how to kill bigger animals. That’s why we invented all sorts of weapons and, most importantly, traps. Let’s say a werewolf was loose in your city, and due to immense lobbying from the furry community, we decided to capture it instead of kill it. For that we have bear traps, tranquilizer guns, those poles with loops on the end — you name it. And if worse came to worse, there’s always the nuclear option: a Super Soaker filled with tap water.

Flying Around On A Broomstick Would Be Crazy Dangerous

Flying about in big metal tubes powered by exploding dinosaurs might sound like witchcraft, but actual witches still prefer the old broomstick. There are some big problems with that, though: When flying out in the open with no protection from the elements, you face the same issues as World War I pilots in their open-cockpit biplanes, with bugs, fog, and rain hitting you in the face all the time. That’s why old-timey pilots wore those huge scarves: to clean all that gunk off their goggles. Interestingly, you also don’t ever see that on witches. Another thing that WWI pilots needed were warm woolen jackets, because it tends to get cold up in the night sky. And while silky black dresses are great for maintaining that “Bride of Satan” image, they don’t do much against frostbite.

So a modern witch would need an insulated jacket, goggles, a wipin’ rag, some kind of broom-mounted windshield, and preferably night vision gear. That last part would be necessary to spot and avoid birds. According to the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), kamikaze birds are one of the most dangerous things in the sky, right after Delta Airlines, with more than 9,000 birds crashing into U.S. airplanes per year.

Witches probably wouldn’t fly as fast as airplanes, and they don’t have engines to wreck, but geese would still be a problem. Just ask Fabio.

Steven is a short, freaky — wait, no — Steven *writes* short freaky stories you can read for free. He’s also on Twitter and Facebook (obviously).

We can’t claim this is an actual magical, monster-killing device but it can’t hurt to have a couple around if you’re ever having supernatural problems.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-downsides-to-being-a-movie-monster-nobody-brings-up/

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