Why Can’t I Be More? Chapter 10
Tis the season. Christmas vacation and Rodolfo finds himself starting to question everything about he and Alejandro's situationship. Can he be okay with just this forever? Was he ever okay with it to begin with?
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All recent events taken into consideration, the few days between that evening and the start of their vacation time had been… Pleasant. Of course, nothing of particular note had occurred but Rodolfo took that as a benefit, rather than something to be disappointed about.
He’d had his fill of noteworthy occurrences, to be honest. All he’d really done was fill out paperwork, getting what needed to be done fully filled out and finished so Alvarez didn’t have to worry about any of it, and gotten their end of year work done.
Then, once everything was settled and they’d been assured everything would be fine until they got back, Rodolfo and Alejandro had taken the truck they use up to Alejandro’s ranch. Rodolfo had been very much looking forward to it.
The property, itself, was of moderate size. Enough that Alejandro had to hire someone to take care of it, but not enough that that task was more than upkeep. Most of it was just maintaining the field of wildflowers they had planted and keeping the walking trails, which Alejandro had chosen the property for, clear and able to be walked on.
Even though it was colder and colder, Rodolfo still planned to take many jogs along those paths, excited for the time he would get to spend on the ranch.
The ranch house was also a decent size. Four bedrooms, a sitting room and a living room, a dining room that was separate from the large kitchen, though they were only separated by a massive kitchen island which had a sink built into it, and two bathrooms, one of which was a massive main bathroom attached to the massive main bedroom.
Rodolfo had helped Alejandro decorate it and Alejandro had chosen to convert two of the bedrooms into non bedrooms. Alejandro was always vocal about not wanting children, so this wouldn’t be a problem in the future. Rodolfo didn’t want them, either. He knew at some point, he’d have to stop comparing his future plans with Alejandro’s but… for now, he was going to keep doing it.
At one point, Rodolfo had considered the idea of adopting a daughter but… then he’d spent a day with a child that wasn’t his sibling and he just… he couldn’t do it. He didn’t have the patience at all. The poor thing had been abandoned at an operation center during a raid and… Alejandro and Rodolfo had ended up playing “pass the child” back and forth all day because neither had any sort of patience.
Alvarez had ended up taking care of the kid the whole next day before DIF had been called and even she had complained. Look, liking children was not a requirement of joining the MSF and it certainly wasn’t a requirement to be a Vaquero.
Come to think of it, Rodolfo didn’t really remember having much patience for his own siblings. He had five of them and save for Liliana, his older sister, he couldn’t remember getting along with the four younger ones. Of course, he and Liliana were only a year apart, actually only 10 months apart, where as Adrian, the one after him, was three years younger than him. And the twins were another two years after that, and then Maria was another two years after that.
He’d gotten along fine with Adrian but… the twins and Maria, he just couldn’t relate to. Even now, he couldn’t find himself relating to Maria, and she was 20 years old. Not that he’d really talked to her, much. Or wanted to. Liliana and Adrian occasionally reached out, but… unless he talked to the rest, they didn’t talk to him.
Rodolfo, you were musing about the house. Right. Anyway, Alejandro could convert those bedrooms into whatever he wanted, because he didn’t have to worry about them eventually needing to be used for childrens’ rooms. As such, one was actively being converted into a weight room, which… of course it was. The other was a fairly decent home office.
Complete with a fully decked out gaming system that even Rodolfo could appreciate, even if Rodolfo wasn’t really a big gamer. Really, Rodolfo wasn’t a big tech person. He found certain stuff cool, like the ipads they had just upgraded them to in the base, and the features on the Xbox One and Playstation 4 that Alejandro had were pretty cool but… he just didn’t get most of it.
Alejandro was the direct opposite. He’d ranted for a full hour about the new features of the Iphone X when they were announced (none of which Rodolfo remembered at all) and didn’t even ask Rodolfo before ordering their upgrades. Not that Rodolfo cared. Alejandro paid for their phone service since Rodolfo paid for most of their streaming services, so Alejandro could update it whenever for all he cared.
The guest bedroom which was more accurately Rodolfo’s bedroom if Alejandro would have his way had its own gaming system and a tv, which Alejandro had insisted on getting the newest of both for.
And the tv in the living room, which Rodolfo was actively using to try to find something to watch, was stupidly big and also brand fucking new. Alejandro had the money, that wasn’t a concern and if he didn’t, Rodolfo definitely did and would give it, but this felt excessive.
Rodolfo looked up when Alejandro came up, frowning when he saw he was dragging a giant box with a picture of a christmas tree and a giant tub into the house. “It’s a big tree,” he grunted as he kicked it across the living room and then pulled the tub over.
“You said that last year,” Rodolfo laughed, unfolding himself from the couch. Had he known Alejandro would be getting the tree, he would have went and helped him. Alejandro had a habit of just doing things without informing Rodolfo he would be doing them.
“Yeah, well you wanted a big one,” Alejandro straightened up and then cracked his back before sighing, stretching. “Do you want it in the same spot as last time?”
“Yeah.” Rodolfo nodded a little, pointing to beside the mantle, where it had set last time. It didn’t need to be in front of a window since no one would see it. Then, he went to the tub, which he assumed had all of the decorations. Really, they were just going to put up a tree. Lights made no sense since, again, no one would see them.
And, Alejandro didn’t need to be climbing a ladder to string them up and Rodolfo certainly didn’t want to. So, just a tree. Rodolfo just cared about the tree, anyway. He opened the tub as Alejandro got the actual tree out of the box, a big fat one that was 9 feet tall and only two pieces. It didn’t have that fake snow shit on it like Rodolfo had seen getting popular lately.
The texture of that stuff made him gag and it was a fucking mess to clean up. Thankfully, Alejandro had had the entire house refloored to be hardwood, so it would just need to be swept but Rodolfo would still rather not.
Rodolfo paused at seeing a white and gold gift box at the top of the pile, confused. He didn’t remember it, so he picked it up and opened it to see exactly what was in the box, being greeted with pictures, instant pictures to be exact. He remembered what they were before he even got a good look at the contents, his skin turning a dark shade of red.
He went back to the couch and sat down, picking up the first one. It was a picture of himself, Alejandro’s hand around his neck and pushing his head back as what could be seen of his expression left little to the imagination of what exactly they were doing.
God, they’d gotten so drunk that Christmas, he could perfectly remember the headache he’d gotten the morning after. Liliana had dug up Rodolfo’s old polaroid camera from when he was a kid and sent it to him as a surprise for Christmas. At some point, he remembered Alejandro had snatched it from him and taken pictures of them.
The first few had been innocent, but the alcohol had gotten to them and Alejandro had been showering Rodolfo with compliments and Rodolfo had been feeling kind of special and… well, the rest were not innocent.
Rodolfo shuffled through them, pausing as he noticed how tasteful most of them were. “You have a gift.” He joked, looking up at Alejandro, who was struggling with the lights on the tree. It came pre lighted, but it appeared one had went out. Which of course meant all had gone out.
“Wha- fuck!” Alejandro cursed, suddenly shaking his head. But, the tree’s lights suddenly blinked on and he just stood there and glared at it before sighing and coming over. “I have a gift?”
Rodolfo held up a polaroid of Alejandro licking a stripe up Rodolfo’s neck. It wasn’t even shaky, despite the fact that Alejandro hadn’t even been looking as he took it. “You kept them?”
Alejandro took it and then smiled, looking over it. “Yeah…” He then seemed to realize and looked over. “Oh! Not for any weird reason. Honestly, we’d just shoved them in a box and I guess when we were- no, when I was gathering up the decorations, you’d went back to base, remember? I guess I just shoved them in the tub and put it in the shed.”
Rodolfo frowned. Oh, yeah. He looked back down at the polaroid box. He’d went back to the base and avoided Alejandro the rest of their vacation. Had one of their biggest fights because of it. He dropped his shoulders, feeling bad again. “What should we do with them?” He looked up at Alejandro again.
Alejandro put the polaroid back in the box and shrugged. “Just set them aside for now, we’ll figure it out.” He took the box and tucked it under his arm. “Is the tree in a good spot?”
Rodolfo looked around Alejandro, smiling as he looked at the tree. “Yeah.” He stood and went back to the tub, getting out a box of ornaments. They were also white and gold, since Alejandro wasn’t that big on bright colored christmas decorations and Rodolfo was just glad to have a tree.
The tree itself was pre lit with warm white lights, which Rodolfo was sure he would not be able to pass by without a comment on how the lighting made him look pretty. One thing Alejandro was definitely not one to hold back on was compliments.
When Rodolfo opened the box, he made a frustrated noise at seeing that they were mostly smashed and he just shook his head. “Alejandro, be honest, did you just throw all of these in here and then just throw the box in the shed?” He looked over at Alejandro, who was turning on a christmas movie.
Alejandro winced, hard, and then looked sheepish, avoiding his eyes. “I may have been a little… irritated when I put everything away, I will admit to that.”
Rodolfo shook his head, amused, and turned back to the box. “We may have to run to the store.” He got out the unbroken ornaments and put them on the tree before sighing. “I finished that paperwork, by the way. The end of year reports? I figured Alvarez would not be able to handle a whole year’s worth of paperwork while having to run everything else. So, I just did it. The only report she will have to do is December’s and then input December’s stats into everything else.”
“Awesome.” Alejandro nodded and smiled. “I think Alvarez will appreciate that. She seemed stressed when we were leaving. Plus, it’ll have that Rudy precision to it.”
“Stressed is her permanent state of being.” Rodolfo mumbled and then paused. “Rudy precision?” He turned and looked at Alejandro.
Alejandro looked over from where he was still messing with the tree. “Yeah, you have to keep everything perfectly straight or you lose your mind.”
Rodolfo blinked and then shook his head. “No I don’t.” He mumbled, getting another box of ornaments out. These ones were, thankfully, not busted.
“Rodolfo, if a paper is even slightly out of place on my desk, you straighten it.” Alejandro sighed and finally put the remote down, coming over. “I bet I could use a ruler to measure the spaces between those ornaments and they would be evenly spaced, down to a millimeter.”
Rodolfo furrowed his brows, looking down at the ornaments in his hands. “Is it a bad thing?”
“No, of course not. Keeps us organized.” Alejandro shrugged and then he was touching Rodolfo’s arm. “Rudy, look at me.”
Rodolfo hesitated but looked up at him, biting the inside of his lip.
“It’s not a bad thing,” Alejandro repeated. Rodolfo wasn’t sure he believed him. Why point it out? No one ever pointed out things like that unless they were insulting him, somehow. He looked down at the ornaments in his hands again. “It’s not.”
“It’s not a bad thing,” Rodolfo nodded, though there was no confidence behind his words.
“Rodolfo…” Alejandro sighed. “Fuck this.” Rodolfo flinched as he dropped what was in his hands in the tub and left.
Immediately, Rodolfo’s mind began to spiral. He couldn’t even focus on one thought, but he just knew that he’d done something wrong and now Alejandro was mad at him. He couldn’t do things right for five minutes without fucking everything up. He was a fuck up.
He sat down on the floor and stared at the ornaments in his hands. They looked like snowflakes made out of pure ice, though it was cheap acrylic. He’d been so excited when he saw them the year before and Alejandro had laughed and told Rodolfo that he was sweet.
Stupid. Can’t do anything right. He hit his head with his hand, trying to keep himself from crying. He’d just wanted a good Christmas and it was the first day and already they were close to having a fight and it was his own stupid fucking fault. God, no wonder Alejandro didn’t love him, Rodolfo didn’t exactly make it easy!
Stupid fucking Rodolfo making everything so much harder. Alejandro was probably sick of dealing with him and his stupid insecurities, and Rodolfo was, too. He wished he could be confident, like Alejandro, but he was insecure and so unbelievably fucking stupid-
“Woah, woah, calm down…” Rodolfo’s hands were stopped before he could hit his head and he looked up, panicked, before he was met with soft eyes staring into his own. “Calm down, Rudy…” Alejandro murmured and Rodolfo stared into Alejandro’s eyes before slowly relaxing.
He lunged forward and hugged Alejandro, tightly. “I’m sorry…”
“You don’t have to be, mi Luna, I promise.” Alejandro murmured, sitting on the floor with him. “I got frustrated, I didn’t want to have a fight so I just left for a moment.”
“I didn’t mean to start a fight-”
“I know, that’s why I left, okay?” Alejandro pulled away and cupped Rodolfo’s face between his hands. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Rodolfo’s eyes looked over Alejandro’s face, looking for some sort of tell that he was lying or secretly frustrated, but he was only met with sincerity. “Take deep breaths with me, okay?” Alejandro murmured and Rodolfo hesitated before nodding, breathing in and out with Alejandro. “There we go…” Alejandro smiled. “Talk to me, Rudy. Why did this get to you so hard?”
Rodolfo paused and then his shoulders dropped. “I don’t… I don’t mean to be so obnoxious with how I straighten everything I just… Like a month ago, with the pen cup, I just… I worried that if they didn’t get picked up, you’d trip on one and I didn’t want you to bash your head open on the desk. With the papers, I know you’re dealing with so much that… I don’t know, unstraightened papers makes me stressed out, so I thought I could alleviate that for you… The tree is just because I like them to be even and I notice when they’re not.” He admitted the last part, quietly, embarrassed.
Alejandro frowned and furrowed his brows. “You think about me a lot…”
“Morning, noon, and night.” Rodolfo shrugged, slightly, and looked down. “You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I?”
Alejandro then smiled. “That’s fair. I think about you constantly. Even when I probably shouldn’t be.” He let go of Rodolfo’s face and then sighed, moving Rodolfo’s legs so, while his ass remained on the floor, each leg was on either side of his body. “I knew you probably lied on your psych eval to get in.”
Rodolfo winced, since he in fact had. He looked down, hoping Alejandro wouldn’t ask the question he thought he was about to. He’d hidden it for several years, the idea of suddenly having it out there felt… scary.
“What was the diagnosis?”
“Autism.” Rodolfo sighed, not even bothering to lie. He cringed, waiting for the change from Alejandro.
“I figured.” Alejandro nodded. “That’s okay. And… I get why you lied.” He took Rodolfo’s hands and rubbed his thumbs over the knuckles. “Bipolar.”
“What?” Rodolfo stared at him, surprised.
“Bipolar. Bipolar 2 to be exact. My mom had it so I went and got assessed, privately. I also lied on my own psych eval.” Alejandro chuckled. “You know, they make those questions fairly easy to lie through.”
Rodolfo snorted, since Alejandro wasn’t wrong. They made it fairly obvious what the right answer was. “Bipolar… makes a lot of sense.”
Alejandro shrugged. He brought both of Rodolfo’s hands to his mouth and kissed the knuckles, softly. “Everything is okay, Rudy. You’re okay. I’m okay. I’m not mad at you.”
A few things started to click in Rodolfo’s brain. The plain language Alejandro had started to use, the lube that was meant to not have a sticky texture… He looked up at Alejandro and just melted. “Okay… Everything is okay…”
Everything was better than okay. Alejandro was seeing him and Rodolfo was starting to realize just how much. Alejandro cupped his face again and Rodolfo nuzzled into the touch, closing his eyes.
Everything was okay.
Everything was not okay. Rodolfo glared across the bar that Alejandro had suggested they go to at a woman who had come up to Alejandro and was now actively flirting with him. Alejandro had gone up to the bar to get them both drinks and so of course someone had came up to flirt with him. And, of course Alejandro was flirting back.
Rodolfo couldn’t make out what either of them were saying as both were faced away from him and… well, he couldn’t read lips that well on a good day. He was working on getting better at it, since it was a good skill to have, but he was not there yet. But, he could tell from their body language what was going on.
Alejandro said something that was just oh so funny and she laughed, throwing her head back. Of course, then she had to lean forward and she trailed her fingers down Alejandro’s arm and Alejandro looked at her, half grinning slightly. He inclined his head as he said something and Rodolfo decided to just look away, not wanting to torture himself more.
“Great,” He mumbled and put his chin in his hand, his elbow on the table. It was the day before Christmas eve and they’d decided to get drinks since a few bars had Christmas specials. Well, okay, Alejandro planned to get drinks and Rodolfo would have maybe a drink so he could drive.
He’d figured that nothing could really go wrong. Famous last words. He rolled his eyes and focused his eyes out the window, watching people walk by the window of the bar. A couple was the first to stroll by. The man had his arm around the woman and the woman was leaned into him as they walked.
Envy pricked Rodolfo’s heart. Maybe, if he’d been born a woman, Alejandro may love him, easier. Alejandro had always been open about being bisexual, but Rodolfo wasn’t stupid. He’d seen a few of Alejandro’s hookups and they’d all been women. He was catholic, after all.
I don’t think God will mind so much.
I hope so.
That was Alejandro basically confirming that if Rodolfo was a woman, Alejandro would have found it easier. Maybe they’d have even gotten together in their teens. Rodolfo had had this… envy since he was a child. His mother had wanted all girls.
She’d given up on Adrian, but Rodolfo had felt the pressure when he was a little kid. A few nights, he’d even asked the universe why he hadn’t been born a girl, so he could make his mom happy. It seemed only natural that when he’d found love for a man, he’d hate the universe for not making it easier.
“Hey, here.” Rodolfo looked up, seeing Alejandro who was holding out the drink Rodolfo had asked for. Some kind of weird angel themed drink that had looked fairly decent.
Rodolfo took it and thanked him, quietly. He sipped it and decided it tasted good. Fairly sweet, but definitely mostly alcohol. “Are you going to go back to the lady at the bar?” He asked, unable to help glaring at the table.
Alejandro just snorted, though. “No. She had a wedding ring.” He sighed as he sat down. “Besides, why would I need to? I’m with you.” He nudged Rodolfo.
Rodolfo snorted back and stirred the drink, mixing the whipped cream that had come on top of it into the drink.
“Can we please not do this, tonight?” Alejandro sighed.
Rodolfo rolled his eyes. “Do what?” He put his hand down on the table.
“Rodolfo, please. Remember what we talked about?” Alejandro’s tone was pleading. “I’m not going to ditch you. Please, for once, can you take what I say at face value?”
Rodolfo winced, staying looking down at his drink. “I do believe you, I just- I don’t know. Yeah, alright. I’ll… accept what you’re saying.”
“Thank you. Now, come on. We’re having fun.” Alejandro nudged him, again. “I snagged these little conversation cards from the bar. I thought you’d find them interesting.”
Rodolfo nodded, attempting to perk up a little. Alejandro was right, they were having fun. He deserved more than Rodolfo immediately writing him off. “What do you do with them?”
“You pull one and answer the question on it. Like, here,” Alejandro pulled out a card. “What’s your biggest fear?”
“Going back to being just friends.” Rodolfo blurted it before he could even stop himself. He turned a dark red and looked back at the table again, worried he’d exposed too much.
Alejandro was quiet for a moment. “Oh, Rudy…” He finally said. “I have no plans of doing that, I promise.”
Rodolfo blushed darker and glanced up at him, met with a soft expression. He quickly looked away and then pushed his palms down his jeans, shaking his head. “What’s yours?”
“Oh, uh…” Alejandro seemed to pause. Rodolfo looked up, seeing his eyes had gone distant. “Well, you were honest, so I guess I will be. When you got taken on that mission… I spent a fair amount of time thinking you were dead. So… that. I never want to go through that again.”
Rodolfo stared at Alejandro in surprise before softening. “I’m… I’m sorry…” No wonder Alejandro had been freaking out so bad… “I…” He wasn’t sure what to really say.
“Haha, anyway,” Alejandro laughed, nervously, and shook his head. “The next one… three bad habits?”
“Can we skip that one?” Rodolfo joked. “I don’t think either of us are ready to explore that one…” He was just reeling from the last answer, he wasn’t sure he was ready for that, yet.
“Fair.” Alejandro chuckled and pulled another card. “What’s your favorite sport?” Alejandro tilted his head.
“Ah, it’s cliche, but soccer. I used to play, remember?” Rodolfo nodded. “Though not for very long.”
“Year six, right? You were… not great.” Alejandro winced, teasing a little. “You kept getting hit in the chest so hard with the ball that you’d fall over.”
“Yeah…” Rodolfo winced, but laughed and rubbed his chest a little, remembering how bad it used to hurt. “My dad took me out when I almost fractured my rib plate. I had a lot of fun, though. I’d do it again, honestly. What about yours?”
Alejandro frowned and considered. “Hmm, I have no idea. Actually, I think racing is interesting. I’d honestly love to just get in a car one day and just… go fast.”
“Las Almas does not have the road structure for that.” Rodolfo laughed a little. “Especially not with your driving ability.”
“Yeah yeah, drive bad.” Alejandro shook his head, but he was laughing with Rodolfo. Rodolfo had always loved the way Alejandro laughed. Big and bold… attention grabbing. You certainly noticed when he laughed. Or… Rodolfo always did.
“You know,” Alejandro started, pulling Rodolfo from his thoughts. “I’m curious. Ignoring any deep ones, what’s your biggest… irrational fear?”
Rodolfo frowned and considered. Honestly, after joining the military, he couldn’t think of any. No, yes he could. “Sometimes, someone says something in too neutral of a tone and I get worried they’re secretly a doppelganger.”
“Doppelganger?” Alejandro raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I haven’t had that fear in a while.” Rodolfo shrugged. “You and Alvarez are the main two people I speak to and Alvarez… well, she says the funniest things that it’d be hard to just mimic and you’re too expressive. I think I’d pick up on it pretty quick.”
Alejandro chuckled. “Ah. What about the window thing?”
Rodolfo stopped. “You remember that??” He blinked, surprised.
Alejandro blushed and then ducked his head, shrugging. “I remember getting curtains so you’d not be freaked out when you stayed over.”
Rodolfo stared at him and then he was just melting again. “I… I didn’t expect you to remember that… No, it’s better now. Sometimes, if I’ve had a particularly rough night, but… for the most part, I’m able to handle it.”
Alejandro nodded, slightly. “That’s good… I used to get so worried about it.” He murmured and then furrowed his brows.
Rodolfo blushed and looked down at the table. “What about you? What’s your irrational fear?”
Alejandro seemed to consider. “Spiders. They can die in hell.”
Rodolfo laughed, since he’d been kind of expecting that. Alejandro had never been a big fan of spiders at all. “I’m not surprised…” He shook his head. “What’s the next question?”
“Oh, um…” Alejandro pulled it out. “This one says to come up with a nickname for me.” Rodolfo raised an eyebrow so Alejandro showed him the card, which said ‘ if you had to nickname me, what would it be?’
Rodolfo frowned a little. “I’m guessing Commander doesn’t count?”
“No, that is a term of respect.” Alejandro shook his head before setting the cards down and leaning forward, slightly.
“Not when I use it.” Rodolfo joked, teasing slightly. Alejandro just rolled his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. “Um… I mean, I know I don’t use it often, but Ale?”
“Come on, Rudy, you can be creative.” Alejandro huffed and shook his head.
“I mean, mi Sol?” Rodolfo tried, not very creative with nicknames.
Alejandro shook his head. “Something new?”
Rodolfo huffed at him and furrowed his brows. He didn’t want to get too sappy with it. Something casual. Platonic. “I don’t think you’d appreciate hearing Papi,” he teased, flushing at the way Alejandro’s eyes darkened. He quickly backtracked, stuttering a little. “Anyway, u-um…” He ran a hand through his hair, only getting more flustered as Alejandro leaned forward.
“I don’t think I mind as much as you think, but it would get rather inconvenient.” He chuckled, his voice dropping low.
Rodolfo cleared his throat. He knew his face was bright red, and he quickly looked up at the ceiling. “Viejo.” He suddenly said, doing his best to get the upper hand and looking at Alejandro again.
Alejandro blinked, surprised, and then laughed softly, leaning back in his seat. “We are the same age.”
Rodolfo just shrugged. “Yeah, so? I look younger than you. I’m sure most would guess at least 3 years between us.”
“Sadly, you may be right,” Alejandro sighed and then chuckled. “Doesn’t help that you wear that hoodie everywhere.” He reached and flicked Rodolfo’s sleeve slightly.
Rodolfo didn’t feel bad for that one. It was comfortable and loose enough for a second layer when it got cold enough, while also being airy enough he could wear it in the summer. It was perfect. “What about you? Anything more creative than Rudy?”
“Hmm, I like mi Luna.” Alejandro shrugged. “But, I did ask you for something new so… Hmm… I like príncipe.”
“No.” Rodolfo immediately shook his head and Alejandro laughed loudly. “Pick a different one.”
“Princessa?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Aw, you’re no fun.” Alejandro laughed again.
Rodolfo shook his head. “I think I’ll just stick to Rudy.” He huffed, though he wasn’t too upset. He knew Alejandro was only teasing. Okay, maybe he liked principe a little, but he was not going down that road. Also, he was 27 years old, he’d like something a little grown up. “I don’t regret calling you viejo, now.”
Alejandro laughed harder and his head leaned back, causing Rodolfo’s heart to squeeze. Alejandro was so… beautiful. So utterly, despairingly beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Rodolfo’s mind went back to the woman from earlier, how… he’d looked at her. He’d never looked at Rodolfo like that.
Alejandro finally stopped laughing and he sighed, leaning back again. “The rest of the cards are mundane, uninteresting.” He nudged them over and Rodolfo flipped through them, unable to help agreeing.
“Wait, wait,” Rodolfo paused on one. “If you could have any superpower in the world, what would you have?”
Alejandro blinked and then furrowed his brows. “Hmm… Anything to do with fire would be pretty cool. Or superstrength.”
Rodolfo accepted that. “Shapeshifting, honestly. Could be whatever I want.” Could be whatever you want, too. Maybe I’d be something you actually want.
Alejandro smiled. “What would you shift into first?”
“Something that could fly…” Rodolfo smiled. “See what it feels like.”
“You’d come back, right?” Alejandro frowned. “You wouldn’t… fly away forever, would you?”
Rodolfo frowned in response. “No, Ale… of course not…”
Alejandro relaxed and then he was reaching across the table and taking Rodolfo’s hand. “Good. I told you, I don’t know what I’d do without mi Luna…”
Rodolfo stared down at their hands and then melted, nodding. “I know… I’d come back, I promise…” He looked up at Alejandro.
“Thank you, mi Luna…” Alejandro brought Rodolfo’s knuckles up to his mouth and Rodolfo blushed dark red, looking away.
A moment later, Alejandro stood. “I’m going to get another drink, do you want one?”
Rodolfo hesitated before shaking his head. “No, I’m going to stick with this one. Since I’m driving.” He nudged his glass, which was still mostly full.
Alejandro nodded. “I’ll be right back.” Then, he went up to the bar. Rodolfo watched as the woman from before came back up to him and Rodolfo tensed. Alejandro looked at her and smiled before he nudged his head in Rodolfo’s direction.
Rodolfo frowned, surprised, and ducked his head when they both looked at him before she seemed to make an “ah” face and then waved at him before walking back off. He stared at them in shock. Did Alejandro just… blow her off because he was with Rodolfo??
Rodolfo’s heart swelled so big it hurt and the world became rosy pink tinted. Alejandro had chosen him…
Alejandro came back over so Rodolfo smiled at him. “Did you get the same drink or a different one?” He asked, curious. It looked different, the previous one had been green and this one looked red.
“Different.” Alejandro nodded. “I honestly don’t know what it is, but I said to surprise me and make it Christmas themed.” He shrugged and then sipped it. “It’s fairly good. Not sure I’d order it again, but I don’t hate it.”
“That’s good.” Rodolfo nodded and then relaxed, settling in.
Alejandro ended up drinking a lot. Rodolfo should have seen that coming… Alejandro tended to drink until he stopped and Rodolfo hadn’t stopped him. He should have, god he was a shit friend. Alejandro had always had problems with alcohol and it was Rodolfo’s job to stop him.
Rodolfo got up. “Come on, Ale, let’s go home…” He gently suggested, helping him stand.
“It’s not your home, you won’t let it be.” Alejandro muttered and Rodolfo frowned, surprised. But, Alejandro didn’t say anything else, so Rodolfo just nodded.
“Let’s go to your home…” He corrected. “Stay here so I can go get your ID.”
“Yessir.” Alejandro nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
Rodolfo sighed, softly, and went up to the bar, closing out Alejandro’s tab and getting his ID back. Then, he went back over to Alejandro. “Give me your wallet so I can put your ID in it.” He told him, taking the wallet when it was offered.
Then, Alejandro pouted. “Can we go home now, Rudy?”
“Yeah, yeah, we’re going.” Rodolfo nodded, opening the wallet. He paused when his eyes landed on a picture of Valeria, Rodolfo, and Alejandro, sitting in a booth at Suenos. Valeria was smiling brighter than he’d ever seen her smile, honestly, but then he looked closer and… he could tell just by looking that Alejandro and Valeria were both drunk in that picture.
Valeria’s cheeks were bright red, her eyes too wide. Alejandro’s eyes were drooping and he had his right shoulder slumped forward, slightly. But when Rodolfo looked at himself? He was completely sober. Even then, his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Rodolfo just shook his head and peeled the pocket apart so he could slip the ID in it, again pausing at a picture. This one was a polaroid. One of… Alejandro licking a stripe up Rodolfo’s neck.
“Rudy, I want to go home!” Alejandro suddenly complained, startling Rodolfo. Rodolfo quickly shook his head and stuck the ID in the wallet, handing it back to Alejandro before tugging him out of the bar.
He got him out to the truck and helped him up into the truck before quickly going around, not wanting Alejandro to complain anymore. He understood, though, since he had many times he’d wanted to go home and Alejandro had taken forever. “I feel like shit…” Alejandro groaned as Rodolfo got in, slumped against the door.
“You drank a lot,” Rodolfo nodded. “We’ll be back, soon, I promise.”
“Why do I always fuck up?”
Rodolfo paused while putting the key in the ignition and looked over at Alejandro. “You don’t always fuck up… Where is this coming from?”
“I just… I don’t know what do with you…” Alejandro mumbled and then he was lifting to turn and look at Rodolfo.
A harsh pang stabbed right into Rodolfo’s heart and he shook his head. “I don’t know what to do, either, Alejandro. Trust me. Just let me start driving.” Rodolfo finally turned the key and started to drive, taking deep breaths.
Alejandro didn’t give him long, though. “I wish my Rudy looked at me but you never do! You never just look at me!”
“Alejandro, I can’t, I’m driving!” Rodolfo shook his head, trying hard to just focus on the road. “I will look at you when we get back, I promise-”
“You know that’s not what I fucking mean, Rudy!” Alejandro snapped and then he was crying and Rodolfo didn’t have any idea what to do. “I’m sorry… I’m trying not to get so mad, because I know it hurts you, but I just- I don’t know what to do!” He slammed his hands on the dash, making Rodolfo flinch. “What do I have to do?!”
“I don’t know, Alejandro!” Rodolfo yelled, frustrated. “Just calm down and let’s talk about this when we get back!”
“No, because we won’t! We never do unless I force you to talk to me and then you act like I’ve- Like-” Alejandro broke into sobs and Rodolfo panicked, not having any idea how to handle this. “I’m a monster…”
“No, no you’re not a monster.” Rodolfo quickly said, shaking his head. “Just… please, mi Sol,” he tried the nickname, praying it would have the same effect mi Luna had on Rodolfo, “let me get us back and then we will deal with it then, okay?”
Alejandro seemed to soften and then he was nodding, taking Rodolfo’s hand from the steering wheel and causing him to have to quickly readjust in order to keep driving. “Okay, mi Luna…”
Rodolfo relaxed when Alejandro went silent, focusing on driving. When they got to the ranch, he wasted no time in getting out and rushing around to help Alejandro get out as well. Alejandro had a bit of a struggle with his keys, seeming to think they were higher priority than getting out of the truck, but then he was half falling out.
Rodolfo grunted as he caught him, but he had no issue. Thanks to training, he could drag Alejandro pretty decent distances, so catching him falling out of a truck was no problem.
Rodolfo guided Alejandro up to the door before gasping as he was pushed into it, his back hitting the door lightly. Alejandro nuzzled his neck and blew air across it. “I need you, Rudy.”
Rodolfo closed his eyes, shivering slightly, before shaking his head. “You need to sleep.” He mumbled, not willing to cross this line. Alejandro was drunk, Rodolfo was sober. It was wrong. He reached behind himself and stuck the key in the door as Alejandro just whined before shoving the door open, yelping as he fell backwards.
Alejandro was quick to catch him, but he didn’t even seem fazed, just moving so he picked Rodolfo up and moving to the couch before pressing Rodolfo into it, kissing his neck. “Okay, I want you.”
“You want to sleep,” Rodolfo corrected, closing his eyes again. Funnily enough, for once? He wasn’t even tempted. Alejandro was drunk and Rodolfo wasn’t a fucking rapist.
Alejandro shook his head, running his nose up and down Rodolfo’s neck. “No.”
Rodolfo sighed and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before putting his hands on Alejandro’s chest and firmly pushing. “No.” He said, making his voice hard.
Alejandro paused and then backed up, staring at Rodolfo. He seemed unsure how to deal with this and Rodolfo felt kind of bad for it. Huh, kind of ironic that this would be the first time Rodolfo says no. “Look, you’re drunk. Okay?”
“I feel fine.” Alejandro shrugged, relaxing. “I feel completely sober.”
“What’s 64 plus 37?” Rodolfo deadpanned, crossing his arms.
Alejandro scrunched up his face and then started to think, staring at the ceiling. “That’s not fair, I can’t do math even when I’m not drunk.”
“So you admit you’re drunk?” Rodolfo chuckled, amused.
“No- You’re an asshole.” Alejandro huffed. “I’m fine. I’m… you have the power here… maybe… maybe you won’t avoid me this time.”
Rodolfo frowned and then shook his head. He went to Alejandro and cupped his face. “Alejandro, I can promise you that I will feel ten times worse if I do this. So, no. Let’s see how you feel in the morning. For now, come on, let’s go to bed.”
That seemed to placate Alejandro and he relaxed, nuzzling into Rodolfo’s hand. “Okay, mi Luna…”
Rodolfo smiled and then gently guided him to the bedroom, helping him tug off his jacket, then looking away when Alejandro started to undress, being polite. “Do you need anything else?”
“Yes.” Alejandro nodded, turning to face Rodolfo. Rodolfo looked over Alejandro’s chest, reaching up to trace a few words that went across his left peck. ‘ I am the choices I make for myself. ’ Rodolfo had been there when he got it. “Please stay with me…”
Rodolfo frowned when Alejandro caught his wrist and he looked up. Alejandro’s eyes looked so earnest, pleading with him. He hesitated. “Alright, I will… Just let me go change, okay?”
Alejandro relaxed and then grinned. “Thank you.” He leaned down and kissed Rodolfo’s cheek before turning and climbing into the bed and climbing in.
Rodolfo left, quickly going to the guest room and changing to his night clothes, which were just a sweat shirt and a tee shirt. Then, he made his way back to Alejandro’s room, going to the bed.
Alejandro wasted no time to lift the blanket, smiling up at him, so Rodolfo climbed into the bed and curled up. He kept a polite distance, before starting to curl up.
However, Alejandro made a frustrated noise and practically yanked Rodolfo closer, burying his face in Rodolfo’s chest. “You drive me insane.” He muttered, shaking his head.
Rodolfo chuckled, again. “My bad, I was trying to be polite.”
“Don’t be.”
Rodolfo shook his head and relaxed, gently petting Alejandro’s hair and feeling him relax. “Sleep, mi Sol…”
“Goodnight, mi Luna.”
--
Something about being sad at Christmas hits different, IDK
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