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the-amazing-boop · 8 months

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My track by track first impressions for Unreal Unearth (with some contextualized thoughts of the singles)

De Selby Part 1 - straight into the lullabies playlist. Just perfect.

De Selby Part 2 - perfect fade in from Part 1. I couldn't have dreamt up a better, more subtle transition. Still my current creature comfort.

First Time - oh, ffs, it's bluesy and sad. Lethal combination. This might be another one on repeat later. Ow. Ouch, ow. THE FINAL TIME YOU CALLED ME "BABY". Wtf. I see why some of y'all were cussing him out on here.

Francesca - my beloved. Brutal to have this follow First Time, though. Mentally two-stepping through the tears. The bellowing at the outro still has the power to ascend me despite my replaying.

I,Carrion - another certified heartbreaker for the lullabies playlist. She's Greek, she's cosmic, she's pure love.

Eat Your Young - I am once again solidified in my conviction to refuse having children in this fucked up world. Y'all be safe.

Damage Gets Done (feat. Brandi Carlile) - Okay guitar lick! Oh the voices belting together in harmony is hitting me. I'm getting really 2010s feelings I haven't felt in forever. I feel the sudden urge to forgive myself. He's back at it again with the choral work, CAN I LIVE??

Who We Are - and just like that, I'm back on my emo shit. He really went for emotional whiplash in terms of song ordering, huh? Not me literally listening to this while engulfed in a dark room as well. Another one I'll have to repeat, I fear.

Son of Nyx - oh fuck. Oh no. Not the piano dragging along. And no words. THE CUTOFF. THE STRINGS. THE VOCALIZATIONS. It's definitely a warning. Shit's about to start hurting for real. It's so haunting and gorgeous.

All Things End - Hello, old friend, my first favorite. I'm terrified of what follows you. It was bad enough watching the man "die" on the table (my hands are in the air to receive the gospel).

To Someone From A Warm Climate (Uiscefhuarithe) - fucking hell. Just devastating. Idk how much more I can take.

Butchered Tongue - this hits like crazy if you have any connection to a diaspora that was nearly erased or just have ancestry DEEPLY rooted oppression and the like. Ffs, I'm gonna need stitches for a cut that deep.

Anything But - and then this happy shit. Back at it again with the whiplash, the bastard. I love it though! This is going on the light and bright playlist. I'm a sucker for sad lyrics dressed in bright colors. And the vocals?? Come on, now.

Abstract (Psychopomp) - I was right. Everything following Son of Nyx just hurts differently. Dare I say worse than the first half of the album. I really shouldn't get into how I relate OFTEN to the poor roadkill creatures in my area.

Unknown/Nth - a nice and plentiful helping of stake through the heart, as usual. The briiidge. I drown in it every time.

First Light - I'm gonna say it's an instant classic. The imagery. The love on love on love. The catharsis. The drumsss. Oh! The acoustic fade out.

Overall, he didn't bother not once to lift his heel on this album. He's outdone himself. No skips. I am foaming at the mouth, waiting for my vinyl to come in. All get 10s across the board from me. 16 works of art. I really wish I could lock myself in a room for three days to really digest this album.

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asphaltmeadowws · 8 months

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joe talks to the media about his haircut ahead of week 2 vs ravens

#coming back with a part two in a bit because tumblr didn’t let me post all at once ugh #joe burrow #cincinatti bengals #nfl #my gifs #week 2 vs ravens

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osamusriceballs · 3 months

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The Accident - Part XVI

Atsumu x fem reader

Warnings: Stalking, kinda dry humping

Words: ~ 2,5 k

About: Y/n and Atsumu finally TALK. And more.

Part I II -> Next Part

A yawn escapes your lips as you slowly open your eyes to a dimly lit room. It's probably the middle of the day, judging by the way it looks outside. You surprisingly feel fully rested, with Atsumu still peacefully snoozing behind you, his arm loosely draped across your stomach. Your mind races back to the events of the previous night, causing your heart to skip a beat.

That woman.

Atsumu needs to do a lot of explaining to make up for that. If there is even a way to make up for that. You still don't know anything about her, but she for sure gives you the chills.

Maybe it was a mistake. To stay with him- even in the same bed, and to allow your heart to get that foolish hope again. But you're just human, and it seems like your heart isn't so easily convinced that he's not good for you.

You sigh and reach for your phone on the nightstand, noting how late it is—2 pm. Shocked by the time, you check your messages and spot surprisingly many from Osamu Miya and hesitantly tap on them.

Osamu: hope yer alright

Osamu: let me know when you’re home

Osamu: did ya fall asleep?

Osamu: thank you for your help. I owe ya. Call me if ya need anything. Stay safe.

Osamu: good morning. Grab that idiot and come over to Onigiri Miya when yer awake. Or come on your own when he messes up. Drinks are on the house for you.

Osamu: not for Tsumu tho. He can pay double

A smile plays on your lips as you respond quickly.

You: hey! Sorry for the late reply, I fell asleep. Atsumu‘s still sleeping. I‘ll talk to him and let you know if we‘re coming. Thank you for the offer! :)

Osamu: sure. see ya

You: see you :)

Your attention is diverted when Atsumu stirs, his arm now wrapping around your waist as he clumsily pulls you closer. He groans and nuzzles against your neck, a sound that sends a shiver down your spine. Is he aware that it's you he's holding? And does he even remember last night? You somehow doubt it.

"Y/n?" he mumbles after a moment, and your eyebrows shoot up, but you respond with a soft hum and nod.

"Yer—how?" he slowly questions, his face still heavy with sleep. You gently take his hand and remove it from your waist, scooting away enough to turn and face him. His eyes are tired, his expression soft while he fights to fully wake up. You just hope that he doesn't feel too horribly after all that drinking. His team will kill him for sure if he has practice today. You really hope that it's his day off.

"I brought you home. Remember that you had a few drinks at Onigiri Miya's?" you say, trying to sound neutral, though bitterness lingers in your tone. He stares at you blankly until embarrassment and guilt crease his features.

"Yeah, right. I'm—y/n, I'm sorry for that. Thank ya for bringin' me home. I'm just kinda... havin' a hard time." He closes his eyes for a short second and takes a deep breath. He suddenly looks so exhausted that it almost breaks your heart.

"Hard time with what? Work?"

He shakes his head, closing his eyes again, and a weariness settles over his face, despite the ample sleep you both received. "Work's fine. Great, actually. Gotta play with some real amazin' players. I even got to see Aran often again; that's fine. Just..." He opens his eyes, sadness evident. "Just?" you prompt, your heart skipping a beat at his gaze. You know that it has to do with you—you just don't know what exactly it is. And the urge to interrogate him is burning strong in your body.

"I never got the chance to talk to ya after that night," he admits. You nod, urging him to continue, to finally give you some answers. "I wanted to apologize. For kissin' ya. I made ya uncomfortable, ruined everything."

Your confusion is palpable—just what is wrong with him? He should tell you about that woman and not that! And that definitely didn't sound like he wanted to do it again, which feels like a stab to your heart and somehow angers you.

"Uhm... Atsumu, that was not quite what I expected. Like, sure, I've been thinking about that kiss and my feelings for you, but I was more taken aback when you blocked me and invited another girl over, literally the same night we had our kind-of-date."

His face drops after listening to you, confusion and worry etched on his features. "What are ya talkin' about? I never blocked ya, and I sure as heck didn't invite any other girl here. Hell, I don't even talk to women outside of work. Who should I bring here?"

"Brunette? Perfect smile and wearing one of your shirts? Could hardly miss her on my way down. Or when we met her yesterday. Do you have her over at your place every night?" you retort, ignoring his repulsed expression at your description of her. You could almost believe that he doesn't like her at the way he scrunches his nose.

"Her? Ya met her? Yesterday?"

You nod, narrowing your eyes as you recall her vicious features after that scene. But wow, you were definitely embarrassing. How you acted possessively towards Atsumu. Will she laugh about it with him as soon as they meet each other again?

His reaction surprises you, though; he suddenly reaches for you, pulling you a bit closer. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for gettin' ya involved in this. Are ya okay? She didn't do anything to ya, did she?" You stare at him, confused, and shake your head. His worry confuses you. Why bother after not talking to you for so long?

"Can't believe she dared to come here again. If ya ever see her again, you have to call the police. I have a restraining order against her." Your eyes widen surprised at his words and you frown.

"Restraining order? Is she... like a crazy ex?" Dread fills your stomach at the thought, and a suspicion arises within you.

He slowly shakes his head. "She's a very obsessed fan, to put it nicely. She's been stalking me for a while. Started innocently; I noticed that she came to Onigiri Miya every time I was there too. Then I noticed her when I went for walks every other day, always waitin' at the same spot for me and trying to talk to me. And then one day, I noticed that stuff from my apartment started to go missing. That was like two years ago. I contacted the police after I caught her breaking into my apartment, and she got arrested. Haven't seen her since then, but she started showing up since that one night with ya." He groans and you can see just how much stress this situation caused him. He looks so tired while talking about it, it almost breaks your heart.

"I don't know how she found me again," he continues. "She broke into my apartment, and I had video proof fortunately, so I could file a case, and I have a restraining order against her now. She can't show up again, or she'll land in jail. I also had to get a new phone and number; she did something with it. Tried calling ya with the new one, but ya never called back."

You listen to the story with watery eyes. That woman is actually a stalker?! And he had been suffering like that all the time? Tears well up, and you try to calm yourself. So he wasn't ignoring you on purpose. He actually tried to reach out, and you probably ignored his messages, and he felt miserable because he put you in that situation. Hell, someone broke into his apartment. This must have been horrible for him. You're just glad that she at least cannot legally come here again. Even though it doesn't seem to stop her. A part of you hopes that she'll show up again. The thought of her in jail does sound kind of appealing to you- and not just because you were kind of jealous before. She is danger, and you pray that she won't show up again. Maybe she'll stop now that she knows that he's taken- even though she does not seem to respect boundaries. Your thoughts are running, you don't even know what to say at this point. How could you be mad with him after this?

A ray of hope suddenly flashes before your eyes, and you feel your heart flutter. You know that it's selfish to think about your foolish feelings, to think about how much you like him and to wonder if he reciprocates these feelings. But this means that you might mean something to him. This means that he might like you just like you like him, if he has tried contacting you and kept his distance to protect you.

"So... uhm... you weren't ghosting me because of the kiss?" You feel so, so foolish for asking, but your heart longs for confirmation. You'll deal with the stalker after finally finding out about his feelings. After waiting for him for so long, you need to know.

"I didn't want to ghost ya at all, y/n. I really like ya." His eyes catch yours, and you feel butterflies in your stomach once again. He doesn't seem to mind that you changed the topic like that and you know that you look at him like a hopeful lost puppy. He still has that magical effect on you. Everything just feels so right with him, like you're just where you belong. He's so close; you could probably count his lashes, and you can see the flecks of different shades of brown in his eyes.

"I was actually... really sad because we parted like that. I didn't mean to give you the impression that something's wrong—I just thought you'd see this as a game, and nothing more. That I'm just an easy way to spend time for you. Nothing more." You feel so vulnerable when you say these words, but he quickly shakes his head, looking at you with hurt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. Y/n, I'll make it up to ya, 'kay? Please. Let me make it right." You melt at his words, only managing to nod. "O-okay." This feels like a dream come true. You can't believe that you're making up with him like this- after carrying his drunk ass home and sleeping in his bed. But you just feel so good when you're with him, and for once you decide to be selfish and to take what you need.

He looks at you, clearly stunned. "Okay? Just like that? I was ready to get on my knees to beg for forgiveness and to buy some more diamonds for you." A soft laugh escapes your lips, and he seems to lighten up at your reaction too.

"Making up to me could definitely include some groveling. I wouldn't mind seeing you on your knees, actually. I don't remember you getting on your knees for me ever, even though we are married." You smile, feeling the tension leaving your body. Only he can make you feel like this.

"Oh?" He grins, and you suddenly feel giddy. "Let me refresh yer memories then." He jumps off the bed, lively and energetic suddenly, and you look at him stunned. "Come here." He pats the edge of the bed, and you slowly crawl there, probably not very elegant, but Atsumu still gazes at you like you're a princess that graced him with her presence. You sit up hesitantly, looking at Atsumu right in front of you, who smiles fondly and smoothly sinks down to one knee. He looks devilishly handsome with his disheveled hair, and you can't do anything else but stare at him. Is this a dream?

"Y/n Miya, I know I don't deserve it, but would ya give yer husband another chance? I promise to make ya happy and to never keep secrets like that from you ever again. I'll be whatever ya want me to be just to keep you happy." Your jaw drops at his words and you can't stop the butterflies in your stomach.

"Wow, uhm, that sounds pretty serious." You breathlessly laugh and he smiles with a sincere expression that makes you blush.

"I am. I kinda..." he sighs, running a hand through his hair, making it even messier and he looks even more attractive like this. "I kinda wanna go on dates with ya. Like real dating. Not just getting along because of the marriage thing."

You stare at him, not having expected this kind of answer. He's actually serious about this? And wants to go on dates with you?

"So uhm... what do ya say? Is that alright with you?" He looks bashful, and you finally manage to come up with a response, the one that your heart is longing for.

"I'd love to." The words come out softly, and you smile fondly at his reaction and the way he seems to light up. You don't even have time to realize what's happening- and then he suddenly raises just enough to be at eye level with you and then simply connects his lips with yours in a sweet kiss. You gasp, surprised, your hands coming up to his shirt to ground yourself, but melt into the feeling, allowing him to cup your cheeks and angle your face towards him to deepen the kiss.

This is not what you had expected at all, but feeling his lips against yours, his body pressing against yours—it's enough to make you feel hazy and giddy. You need more; you need to be closer to him. So you wrap your arms around him and pull him closer while leaning back until he's laying on top of you, urging him to stay close to you. He rests most of his weight on his arms, yet you still feel him on top of you, his body pressing gently against yours .

You open your lips, and he instantly uses the chance, softly licking against your lower lip before he slightly moves his tongue to meet yours. His hips press against yours, harder suddenly, and you can't help but wrap your legs around his waist and pull him down to you.

The position is intimate. Your most sensitive part pressing against his middle, and you suck in a sharp breath when you feel something growing in his pants the longer you keep kissing him. Your hands claw into his shirt when he carefully grinds against you—and you whimper against his lips needily, feeling heat rush through your body.

You both know this is where you should stop; you both have only solved your issues like five minutes ago, and some more things definitely need more clarification, but that's the least thing on your mind now. You- you want him.

And you breathe heavily when he pulls back, his lips wet from your combined saliva, looking unfairly hot with his dark widened pupils while he looks at you intensely.

...

TO BE CONTINUED

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sugar-grigri · 4 months

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GOOD! I'll now explain a little more about my absence on Tumblr, not that I think it was dramatic, but I did get a few reactions to it (why no analysis of the last chapter? Asks still unanswered).

I wanted to test on Twitter, in fact I was already expecting the conclusions I was going to draw from this experiment, but it all started with a discussion with my twin sister who told me that I had to test to see how my analyses in particular (there's no difference in the way fanarts are received) would be received.

Honestly, my posts went down well and I think it shows that on any platform many people are interested in digging into a manga, but unlike here where people will want to look for opinions on a chapter, posts on Twitter drift towards people who aren't interested (and they have the right).

But the insulting, even misogynistic part, the repeated meme, the often private RT quoted, it's anxiety-provoking.

And even when I wasn't posting, the arguments, the drama, the anxiety-provoking news loops, the nonsense all contributed to my bad mood.

Anyway !!!! I'm going into exam period, so I won't be as productive as usual right away, but I'm going to stay on Tumblr.

Not that I wanted to leave, but I didn't know if I'd be posting on Tumblr AND Twitter

Already time-wise, it's impossible, especially for someone who's trying to limit her addiction to networks.

And one last clarification: all my threads on Twitter were reflections I'd already written here, so you haven't lost any "content".

See you soon <3

Addendum: if I haven't made myself clear I'll probably quit Twitter and only stay on Tumblr!!!!

Another addition: CSM doesn't have the audience the work deserves, not because people don't like the work enough (I don't care about that) but because people refuse to believe that Fujimoto thinks his work, coherently and deeply

#chainsaw man #csm #csm part 2 #csm spoilers #feeling a bit like I've wasted time and at the same time not really because I've met some good people #had some good discussions and I'm happy if my posts have been of interest #and my posts on Twitter certainly had more reactions than here but that's not a good thing #I know it may come as a surprise but it's dehumanizing and you quickly feel like a freak #you lose control over your posts whereas here I'm proud of them!

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decarbry · 1 year

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dabi: *insults* yabureme: master has given yabureme a connection with a loving, living creature?

#boku no hero academia fanart #nomu aizawa #Yabureme Aizawa AU #shouta aizawa #eraser head #I ran a 2-part poll on instagram and they shocked me by getting Midnight to the final round and then going for Void instead #subverting my expectations.... loved it #so I made it sad again #y'all decided this it's not MY fault #I am now desperate to explore Yabureme's dynamic with each LoV member #timeline-wise he actually comes into the group in an active way AFTER they've all gathered #so he's the new guy in a way lmao #we've seen Shigaraki/Yabureme and Kurogiri/Yabureme quite a bit #but what about the others B)#stay tuned because I have no life and will certainly draw it

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humanmorph · 6 months

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"They found each other in the wreckage of optimism, and it took them a decade to decide that hope was not enough to save the Golden Branch from itself. It was in a library, not an armoury, where the Apostolosian became the sword and shield of Integrity, a Divine who’d lost its Candidate. Some climb into their Divines, others deploy them across the battlefield, or fight under the blanket of their shadows. But Integrity demands intimacy. It digs into the flesh of the willing, all metal and promises and penetralia, desperate to create an unbreakable unity. It is afraid, and wounded, and it cannot know the power it gives without seeing it first in the reflection of a Candidate's eyes: the loft, the velocity, the violence. And for the first time in centuries, Integrity doesn’t fear its Candidate. It moves with confidence, in muscle and ambition. It believes in Sokrates Nikon Artemisios." (COUNTER/Weight 22: A Broken Branch)

Great episode to get to after recent palisade happenings. I obviously remember the "Integrity demands intimacy" but there's so much other great stuff here.... "They found each other in the wreckage of optimism" is just incredible.

Edit: Noting the wording of " [...] the Apostolosian became the sword and shield of Integrity" because Integrity literally is both those things - they are the armor Sokrates wears and the weapon they wield - but it positions them here both as a protector of Integrity and someone Integrity acts through (divines & candidates!).

And I love that this gives Integrity pre-Sokrates interiority I had honestly completely forgotten about. "For the first time in centuries, Integrity doesn't fear it's candidate" A divine afraid(!) of what it can do together with it's candidate, the power it gives. And then what Austin describes in pal29 comes to mind, which is like, "if there was a time when Integrity was like, you know, 'Finally someone has come to help me get out of this situation.' That is not what's happening here." It's interesting because that phrasing of if not the current but a past state("that time has come and gone ")... it still sounds like fear a little bit. And that obviously isn't the case anymore (I don't feel like typing out this Austin quote but he said something about the notion of immortality & change that made me real happy. I love that shit) & I'm curious to learn more about this hopefully.

I love Integrity & while I don't think of it as "the good one", it's fate is important to me because is still one of the sickest divines (which is really saying a lot with like, Perennial and Motion et al. around).

#Integrity is in the description for todays ep & I'm not sure if that's because they're just mentioned like hey btw. or actually relevant #But I shall find out. After I finish this faction game that is #counterweightposting #Palisadeposting #Palisade spoilers #I couldn't fit it in up there but more than everything else 'It is afraid and wounded' made me think of pal29. Likeeee #Also I was like Austin come on give people some credit when he said that bit abt integrity fans going but that's the good one #But 1) likely something he's actually seen? and 2) I can't lie I would like it to be on MBs side. This is my wouldn't that be sick? part.#But ultimately I want whatever happens to to be interesting. And there's things that aren't interesting to me and some of those -#- even fall under 'on MBs side' so like. WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE.#I could elaborate on what's not interesting to me but it's a little. What if I jinx it. (not real) (I'm being extremely silly)#Those tags could've been it's own post tbh but I don't want to type it all out again.

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wizardofgoodfortune · 1 year

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HOB GADLING green with envy (#1, #2)

No, he's crap. [...] Anyway, I've saved the best bit for last.

Bonus: Venison pasty?

#colored this set a bit green but not to the point that it's uncanny (and removes hob's signature brown)#love u jealous hob. mwa <3 #pt 2 Coming Soon tm #the other part demands a separate post #and i know this is a gifset about jealousy BUT i couldnt resist making a gif of him eating HES SO...#the speck of food caught on his beard... CRIES..#hob gadling #dreamling #sandman #the sandman #ferdinand kingsley #sandmanverse #sandmancentral #btw a couple of these gifs exceed 5mb lets hope tumblr doesnt puke all over them... im scared...#*#*my gifs

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skrunksthatwunk · 4 months

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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even #though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism #2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them #3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have #encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in #nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally #about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces #and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided #tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla #6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl #i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this #nyarla dni #<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks

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vole-mon-amour · 11 months

Text

James got Jamie drunk and got him raped. He forced Jamie to have sex with an adult when Jamie was (and probably the day he turned) 14. James has been beating Jamie for years. James has been abusing Jamie mentally as well, being the cause of Jamie's depression, self-consciousness and many other issues. James has probably been beating up Georgie, too, until she had the means to get out.

There's a huge difference between recognizing your bad behavior (being a jerk and a bully for funsies—which isn't great, too, but it's redeemable, especially since Jamie was basically abused into this behavior) and changing for the better and throwing an abused kid back into his abuser's arms that gave him such severe PTSD that some encounters give him very painful flashbacks. He doesn't even remember his first sexual encounter bc it was so bad that he blocked it out, but he for sure will be triggered again if something like the auction in s1 happens again. Jamie was raped, and by an adult at that, when he was just a teen.

Even if James changes for the better in the future, he already ruined Jamie's life in the ways that Jamie will never be able to fix. Never, no matter how hard he tries and works on himself and goes to therapy. It's the horror that will always stay with him. It's the things that will haunt him in nightmares on his worst days and stop him from falling back asleep.

It doesn't matter if James becomes dad of the year (unironically) and finds a wife that he'll genuinely love and cherish and never show any toxic behavior for the rest of his life (which probably won't happen, I can almost guarantee you that). He will always be a wife beater and child abuser. So when you go on a rant about protecting James and how he's only human, at least remember and admit what he did.

Jamie deserves BETTER and I'll stay on this hill. 'It's been a while'? It should stay that way. Ted never should have told him to forgive him and Jamie should have never reached out to his abuser, let alone visit him in rehab and act like it's all fine and at least 21 years of the abuse didn't happen.

Because it absolutely did.

#ted lasso #jamie tartt #tw abuse #tw rape #my dad didn't even come close to the damage james did to jamie #i loved my dad very much and i was was devastated when he died #yet I'm still dealing with the aftermath of his actions 2 years later #again: my dad loved me the way he could. i loved him.#but it was almost very toxic and destructive and he hurt my mom mentally quite a bit #to the point when i learned what he did i couldn't fucking believe it was the same person #and i felt betrayed and devastated and so incredibly mad #jamie is a good kid that wants love and Be Good #but getting back to his abuser and acting like never of that happened is not a part of that #it should NEVER be a part of that #there's plenty of love from other people AND at home #james can go fuck himself and leave jamie alone. period.#it's 11:11 pm #and with that i am hopefully going to sleep

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