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a9saga · 6 months

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i mentioned this but my grandfather passed away last week. he was 95. my grandmother died in february of 2021 and it's really something that he made it that long without her at his age. they were married 69 years and had 7 children and 21 grandchildren, as well as 11 great grandchildren now with two more on the way. his wake was wednesday night and the memorial mass and burial were yesterday.

my auntie cindy married my dad's oldest brother i believe 50 years ago now. they were high school sweethearts. she knew my grandparents since she was a child, so did the rest of her family for that matter. my grandmother or sometimes my father used to mention a boy in the neighborhood who had unfortunately died very young of a drug overdose. no one outright told me this but i put together when i got older that that was cindy's brother. this is to say of all the in laws that cindy was well acquainted with my family for the longest time, and my family with hers as well.

some months after my grandmother's death, that spring or early summer, cindy had sent out a letter to everyone recalling growing up around my grandmother and marrying into the family, maintaining that relationship for decades. she mentioned something her brother used to say that my grandmother would often quote when cindy wasn't around. she closed the letter with, "i just wanted you to know that i loved your mother like she was my own," which i think was always very evident. cindy's own mother had passed away somewhere over a decade earlier. 4 or 5 years ago diana and i were over her house with our mother, cindy referred to a picture of her mother in the kitchen and said "i talk to her all the time." she's not religious, if that makes it any different. she and everyone else in my family were raised catholic but if you ever get on the topic with her, she thinks the bible and christianity and everything are a load of bullshit. but regardless she does speak to a picture of her mother, which i think is pretty interesting. but i digress.

at the wake, there was a line to the coffin with my grandfather in it. cindy's a sociable person. i got in line behind someone i didn't know. a lot of family friends showed up. cindy came and started chatting her up and she introduced me, and then she told me she'd gotten in line about 6 times but shied away from actually paying her final respects. i was like, wanna do it with me? and she did. so we kneeled before the coffin and she caressed the rosary in his hands, and when we got up i mentioned how much i appreciated her letter in 2021, and it took her by surprise. she said she had wanted to read it as a eulogy at her mother-in-law's funeral but she and my other aunt ended up in a bad argument around it. neither of them are perfect, to be clear. that's not why i'm making this post and i don't plan to elaborate on that.

but anyway, after the burial yesterday everyone went to lunch. i could tell all of my dad's siblings appreciated having each other after both of their parents have died. last weekend my dad and his brother that he's closest to went out to lunch because both my mom and aunt thought they needed it, i know first hand my dad has been very down in the dumps about everything. but anyway, after lunch yesterday when cindy was saying goodbye to me, she rubbed my chin and said "thank you, that was so sweet of you to bring up the letter about connie last night. do you know you had me crying on the way home?"--i don't think i have ever seen cindy cry.

#under a break bc it's just long as hell #i miss both of my grandparents #i am all right tho #also established at the wake/funeral i have long overdue hanging out with my cousin in boston to do #after everything i think everyone is at peace #i got my grandfather a '365 things to appreciate about being irish' calendar last christmas #i didn't anticipate he would remember to flip the pages every day #but i did have fun reading him weeks at a time when i visited him #i am not surprised he did not live to finish it but i kind of anticipated that nd that is okay #what a long couple of weeks #i was just numb and out of character since last monday but i finally got some overdue tears out yesterday #going that long without being ready to cry was scary and somewhat guilt inducing #shut up kaily

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pesterloglog · 2 months

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Karkat Vantas, John Egbert

Page 365-375

KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.

JOHN: karkat?

JOHN: what are you doing here?

KARKAT: IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

KARKAT: JOHN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT I AM THE LEADER OF AN ARMY. MY PLACE IS ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

JOHN: i suppose that is true, but that doesn't answer my question!

JOHN: this isn't a battlefield, it's just...

KARKAT: THE OBLITERATED, SMOLDERING HUSK OF YOUR FORMER HOME.

JOHN: well, yeah.

KARKAT: WHICH WAS DESTROYED AS COLLATERAL IN AN ONGOING MILITARY CONFLICT.

JOHN: oh all right, fine.

JOHN: it just feels weird to call it that.

JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.

KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN.

KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY.

KARKAT: AND FRANKLY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BOTHER, THANKS TO THE COUNTLESS FIRES I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ALL DAY, THE ONE PRESENTLY CONSUMING YOUR HIVE NOTWITHSTANDING.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS GO A BIT MORE SMOOTHLY? JUST A FRACTION?

KARKAT: IF YOU HADN'T JUST DECIDED TO WANDER OFF THE INSTANT SHIT STARTED HAPPENING.

JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.

KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH.

JOHN: huh?

KARKAT: YOU KNOW.

KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING.

JOHN: my shoosh thing.

KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING.

KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS??

KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB???

JOHN: uh.

KARKAT: THE SUPERNATURAL COMMUNION YOU HAVE WITH ALL THINGS WINDY, YOU ASS!!

JOHN: oh right, that.

JOHN: that would have let me put the fire out, maybe.

JOHN: i don't think there's anything in my skillset that would have unexploded my house though.

KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.

JOHN: i suppose i'll add one more notch to the daily tally of crazy stuff that happened which i just have to accept as my life now.

JOHN: so...

JOHN: what else happened while i was caught up watching the symbolic representation of my former life get consumed in a giant fire ball?

KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START.

KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP.

KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT.

JOHN: ...right.

KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY?

KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT?

KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT?

KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS!

KARKAT: WE HAPPEN TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF ONE FACET OF THAT HUGENESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

JOHN: well, when you put it like that...

JOHN: i guess we all got pranked pretty hard, huh.

KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY NERD PRANKS JOHN.

KARKAT: FRANKLY I'M INSULTED THAT YOU THINK SUCH A WORD IS EVEN REMOTELY APPOSITE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION.

KARKAT: OTHER THAN TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I AM PERSONALLY BEING "PRANKED" BY REALITY IN HAVING TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO YOU.

KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE RESCUE ATTEMPT.

KARKAT: THIS IS THE ONLY POINT WHERE ANY SEMBLANCE OF GOOD NEWS COMES INTO PLAY, SO SAVOR IT.

JOHN: okay.

KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT THAT WE DIDN'T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO THE RESCUING YIFFY PART OF THE OPERATION.

KARKAT: SHE BASICALLY RESCUED HERSELF WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE.

KARKAT: AND TOOK CARE OF KICKING GAMZEE'S CORPSEBOX OVER WHILE SHE WAS AT IT, IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF EFFICIENCY WHICH THE REST OF US CAN ONLY ASPIRE TO.

JOHN: oh wow, haha.

JOHN: i knew she'd be a bit of a character, being rose and jade's daughter and all...

JOHN: but that's impressive!

JOHN: it sounds like she'd be a pretty welcome addition to your ranks then.

KARKAT: SHE'S A CHILD, YOU MORON.

KARKAT: OH, AND SPEAKING OF WHICH.

KARKAT: PAUSING BRIEFLY TO NOTE IN ADVANCE HOW MUCH I LOATHE THE FACT THAT THIS IS AN EVENTUALITY THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS *ONCE AGAIN* SEEN FIT TO CURSE US WITH:

KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL.

JOHN: shit.

KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED.

JOHN: shiiiiiiiit.

KARKAT: YEAH.

KARKAT: GREAT WORK KEEPING AN EYE ON THEM, BY THE WAY!

KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO.

JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):

KARKAT: HAVING SAID THAT, THIS WAS THE ONE THING UP CROCKER'S SLEEVE YOU COULD BE EXCUSED FROM NOT HAVING SEEN COMING.

KARKAT: I GUESS BECAUSE, ON THE FACE OF IT, IT'S JUST TOTALLY FUCKING BANANAS!

KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

JOHN: wait.

JOHN: wait a minute.

JOHN: you said that both vriskas have been captured, right?

KARKAT: EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP FOR JOY AT THE REVELATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONCE.

JOHN: okay, well putting that emotional outburst aside for a moment.

JOHN: how is that even possible?

JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers?

JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her.

KARKAT: YOU'VE STUMBLED ASS BACKWARDS ACROSS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF THIS UNFORTUNATE DEVELOPMENT.

KARKAT: YOU ARE CORRECT, IN THAT WITH HER CASTE-TYPICAL, *COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC AND NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGICAL* PSYCHOMANIPULATIVE ABILITIES, STAYING OUT OF CROCKER'S REACH SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRIVIAL FOR SERKET PRIME.

KARKAT: EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR THE FACT THAT SAID ABILITIES ARE NOT NEARLY AS POTENT ON HUMANS AS THEY ARE ON FELLOW TROLLS, THEY STILL OUGHT TO HAVE TIPPED ANY ALTERCATION SQUARELY IN HER FAVOR.

KARKAT: BUT SOMEHOW, IT DIDN'T!

KARKAT: INSTEAD, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE GONE GLOBES UP IN CLASSIC VRISKITE FASHION, AND NOW ONE OF THE MOST UNEXPECTED AND UNWANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS USEFUL WEAPONS IN OUR ARSENAL IS DOING TIME IN CROCKERJAIL.

KARKAT: THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO GLEAN FROM TAPPING INTO THE BATTERBITCH AIRWAVES, WHICH IS A FANCY TERM FOR EAVESDROPPING ON THOSE OF HER AGENTS WHO TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY IN SEMI-PUBLIC SPACES.

JOHN: jeez.

JOHN: i really screwed that up, didn't i.

KARKAT: I'M RELIEVED TO SEE THAT YOUR GRASP OF THAT FACT IS PRETTY GOOD AT LEAST.

JOHN: ):

KARKAT: HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT, AND WITH THE RECOGNITION THAT I AM CHOOSING TO NURSE YOUR BRUISED FEELINGS DURING A PLANET WIDE CONFLICT FOR THE FATE OF MY SPECIES,

KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO EXPEDITE YOUR GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT?

JOHN: i... hm.

JOHN: i don't really know?

JOHN: this all feels wrong, karkat.

JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot...

KARKAT: A LOT WHAT?

JOHN: a lot funnier.

KARKAT: FUNNIER.

JOHN: how to put this.

JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny!

JOHN: but now it's just not the same.

JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know.

JOHN: once upon a time i would have put down your ability to pull a silly rant out of your butt as a fundamental law of physics or something.

JOHN: remember back when we first knew each other?

JOHN: it felt like all you ever said to me was how much you thought i was screwing up and being a useless asshole.

JOHN: and once i realized that you were also just a dumb kid who didn't know what was going on, i started to kind of enjoy it.

JOHN: but now it's like... the only one who's still a dumb kid is me, and everyone else has something big and important going on that i just don't understand.

JOHN: i thought that i finally got what was going on with this whole war and everything. i wanted to be useful!

JOHN: i guess i got a little too wrapped up in the feeling of something finally happening again.

JOHN: and then watching it all blow up in my face, kind of literally now that i think about it...

JOHN: it's hard not to feel even more dejected about the situation than i was before.

JOHN: and now even the patented karkat vant rant has lost all its sparkle.

JOHN: maybe if you had like, painstakingly itemized a list of all the things wrong with my plan in a comically overdone fashion or something.

KARKAT: I CONSIDERED IT, BUT HONESTLY THERE WAS SO MUCH WRONG THAT I CONCLUDED THAT THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE WOULD BE TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.

JOHN: oh. okay.

KARKAT: IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN, JOHN.

KARKAT: CALLING IT A PLAN WOULD IMPLY THAT IT WAS A STRUCTURED SEQUENCE OF STEPS DESIGNED TO ACHIEVE A GOAL.

KARKAT: WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH WAS A CONVOLUTED MESS WHICH STILL SOMEHOW INVOLVED DOING FUCKALL.

KARKAT: AND I USE CONVOLUTED HERE IN THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD TO DESCRIBE THE FRENZIED DRAWSTICK SCRIBBLES OF A SQUALLING HUMAN INFANT.

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH:

KARKAT: DRAWING A SHITTY PICTURE WITH "THE ULTIMATE PLAN" AT THE TOP AND A BUNCH OF ARROWS DOES NOT, AND TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE HAS NEVER, CONSTITUTED AN ACTIONABLE PLAN.

KARKAT: DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS CRITICISM WITH ANOTHER MISERABLE EXPRESSION, I AM BEGGING YOU.

JOHN: okay ):

KARKAT: LOOK.

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.

KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!

KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.

KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE.

KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE.

JOHN: well... all right. if you say so karkat.

KARKAT: I DO SAY SO, EMPHATICALLY AND AT GREAT VOLUME.

KARKAT: AND NOW THAT MY OBLIGATION TO CATECHIZE YOU ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR OWN LIFE IS FULFILLED, I HAVE A WAR TO GET BACK TO.

JOHN: wait, hold on.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT NOW.

JOHN: you can't be leaving already.

JOHN: there's... so much we still need to talk about!

KARKAT: OF COURSE I'M SHITTING LEAVING.

KARKAT: WHAT MORE COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR US TO DISCUSS??

KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT.

JOHN: no, that's not what i'm talking about at all.

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

JOHN: or just...

JOHN: argh, i don't know!

JOHN: it's just been so long since we've seen each other.

JOHN: all sorts of things have happened in that time, and it doesn't feel right to just not even mention any of it!

KARKAT: LIKE WHAT??

JOHN: oh, i don't know karkat, literally anything!

JOHN: i mean, look at you.

JOHN: you are decked out in a tight body suit and have an eyepatch and everything. there is simply no way there isn't something to discuss there.

JOHN: or like, forget the eyepatch, we don't have to talk about the eyepatch.

JOHN: i feel as though my point still stands?

JOHN: there is basically a bottomless well full of stuff to go through.

JOHN: i mean we kind of glossed over it when you brought her up earlier, but what about yiffy?

JOHN: this might not come across so easily due to human troll cultural boundaries, but her existing is kind of a big deal??

JOHN: i feel like somehow i missed the part where we all sit around and talk about how strange it is that two of our friends went off and had a secret child without any of us knowing!

JOHN: is it too much to ask that we have that part now, karkat?

JOHN: i mean, maybe it just doesn't mean that much to you.

KARKAT: JOHN.

JOHN: which is a little strange, given that it ties in to the whole conflict that you had with jade and dave.

JOHN: oh god we have to talk about dave.

KARKAT: JOHN.

KARKAT: FUCKING HELL!

KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAVE.

JOHN: no, this is what i mean, karkat.

JOHN: we need to talk about dave!

KARKAT: HAHA! LIKE SHIT WE DO!!

KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THIS IS EVEN A RELEVANT TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

JOHN: oh come on.

JOHN: there's no way you aren't feeling kind of messed up about him, right?

JOHN: i know i am.

JOHN: whenever i think about how things ended between you two...

JOHN: especially now that he's...

JOHN: ugh, i'm sorry. i'm SO sorry karkat. sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

JOHN: this whole thing feels so impossibly sad.

JOHN: all i'm trying to say is...

JOHN: it's not healthy to bottle these feelings up and not acknowledge them.

JOHN: even if you aren't feeling anything right now, and i don't for a moment believe that's true, *i* need to talk about dave!

JOHN: so can we please just talk about dave for a moment.

KARKAT: NNNNGNGNGGGGGGGUUUUUUGUUGHHHHHHHH FINE.

KARKAT: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS TOPIC FOR EVEN A BRIEF MOMENT, THEN FINE.

KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF HOW POINTLESS AN EXERCISE I CONSIDER IT TO BE, I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOU MY "FEELINGS" ABOUT DAVE.

JOHN: okay.

JOHN: thank you.

KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED WITH NONE OTHER THAN AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA VIS A VIS MY SWEEPS-SUPPRESSED, BISCUITFELT EMOTIONS ON THE DAVE SITUATION??

KARKAT: WELL HERE GOES.

KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*

KARKAT: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT DAVE?

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL IS THAT I WISH THAT EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT HIM!!!

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HE AND JADE GOT HUMAN MARRIED!! BIG DEAL!!!

KARKAT: DO PEOPLE FORGET THAT I WAS THERE?? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FORGETTING THAT I WAS LITERALLY INVITED TO THE OCCASION.

KARKAT: I'VE EVEN COME TO EXPECT THIS KIND OF AMNESIAC BEHAVIOR FROM EVERYONE ELSE, SINCE I ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK AROUND OR ACTUALLY SHOW MY FACE FOR MOST OF THE ORDEAL, BUT YOU EGBERT SHOULD HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE!

JOHN: wait, karkat, that's not what i

KARKAT: SO YEAH! THAT WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH WHATEVER THERE WAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH, WHICH WAS FUCKING *NOTHING*, AND THEN I GOT ON WITH THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO PREVENT THE WORLD FROM CRUMBLING!

KARKAT: WHICH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, IS *STILL FUCKING HAPPENING*!

KARKAT: I AM UTTERLY APPALLED THAT THIS IS AN INFO MORSEL I KEEP HAVING TO SPOONFEED DOWN YOUR WINDCHUTE EVERY FIVE SECONDS, JOHN, I REALLY AM.

KARKAT: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!

KARKAT: AND ONE THING I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD CERTAINTY IS THAT IF DAVE WERE HERE, HE WOULD SAY THE SAME THING!!

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE *IS* DAVE??

JOHN: um.

KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE IF ANYONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED TODAY FROM DEVOLVING INTO A HEADLESS CLUSTERFUCK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN... OKAY, MAYBE NOT HIM, BUT AT LEAST HE MIGHT HAVE HELPED DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSIVE FUGUE A LITTLE SOONER!

JOHN: (oh shit.)

KARKAT: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MAYBE WITH BOTH OF US HERE WE COULD HAVE DISPENSED WITH THIS ENTIRE SORRY TOPIC ONCE AND FOR ALL, IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT!

KARKAT: OH HI DAVE, JOHN SEEMS TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE UNSPOKEN HISTORY BETWEEN US IS OF SUFFICIENT IMPORT THAT WE NEED TO HASH IT OUT THIS VERY SECOND IN FRONT OF THE BLASTED REMAINS OF HIS HOME!

KARKAT: yo karkat that does seem to be a strange thing for my best friend john to be concerned about given that he has spent the past five years wallowing in the depths of deepest divorce fever

KARKAT: and especially since jade and i have meanwhile been working as part of your resistance with no complaints, but sure, we can brofist each other and arrange our limbs in an unambiguously platonic way

KARKAT: a way which is also flawlessly calculated to communicate to everyone present that here are two guys who are totally and unequivocally over each other

JOHN: (oh god. you don't...)

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA DAVE, AND WITH THAT MAYBE THAT WAY WE CAN WASH OUR TOUCH STUMPS OF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL AND NEVER HAVE TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!

KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, JOHN?

KARKAT: WOULD THAT SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR CATHARSIS ON THE SUBJECT OF DAVE??

KARKAT: WELL WHY DON'T WE TRY IT THEN.

KARKAT: IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU CALL DAVE AND GET HIM OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

JOHN: (oh my god...)

KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET JADE TO COME AS WELL!

JOHN: ):

KARKAT: FUCK, WHY NOT INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE!!!

KARKAT: WHY NOT PRESS "PAUSE" ON THE RACE WAR FOR A MOMENT AND HAVE ONE HUGE FEELINGS JAM LAWNMEAL WHERE WE ALL PUBLICLY EXPATIATE OUR VARIOUS CONVOLUTED EMOTIONS.

KARKAT: FORGET PEACE TALKS, GET FUCKING *CROCKER* TO COME!

KARKAT: MAYBE THE SIGHT OF A DAVEKAT RECONCILIATION IS THE SECRET KEY TO UNLOCKING THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT STOPS HER FROM BEING A GENOCIDAL RACIST BITCH!!!

KARKAT: HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN SO BLIND!!!!!!

KARKAT: IF GAMZEE WASN'T DEAD, YOU COULD HAVE INVITED HIM AS WELL!

KARKAT: HAHAHA, THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL HAVE A VERITABLE MENAGERIE OF PEOPLE WE KNOW WHO AREN'T DEAD.

JOHN: ))))):

KARKAT: ALL OF WHOM I AM SURE WILL BE SIMPLY DELIGHTED TO ATTEND WHAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN EARTH C'S BULLSHIT HISTORY.

KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES, EGBERT, THEN I AM PREPARED TO DO IT!

KARKAT: DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!!

KARKAT: IF JUST FOR AN *INSTANT* IT WILL GET EVERYONE OFF MY CASE ABOUT THIS, I WILL STAND UP WITH DAVE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ***FUCKING WORLD*** AND SOLEMNLY VOW THAT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!!

JOHN: KARKAT!!!!

JOHN: ugh, fuck, this is just too much!

JOHN: i thought you KNEW!

KARKAT: KNEW WHAT???

JOHN: dave's GONE, karkat!

JOHN: he's...

JOHN: he's dead.

JOHN: i didn't mean for you to find out like this at all, i thought...

JOHN: i mean, i only heard about it yesterday, but i was convinced someone would have told you already!

JOHN: apparently one minute he was there, and the next...

JOHN: none of us even know how it happened, and it doesn't make any sense that he's dead, but he is.

JOHN: he is dead and he's not coming back.