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justmikerrss · 4 years

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to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

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ecotone99 · 4 years

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[MF] Wrinkles, Cheese, and Her

In the early hour, the frost is still thriving in the shadows of the trees, hidden from the dawn, in the vacant park. The bench gradually grows warmer from my weight upon it in the brisk Autumn morning. No voices, no obtrusive sounds penetrate my ears. Only the sound of distant traffic, and the occasional flutter of wings. For the first time in a long while, I get to sit and embrace the silence without worrying about work and responsibilities.

It’s been two months. I sit and try and remember every feature of her face. Every curve, every dimple, every blemish. She always told me not to frown too much, or my face would wrinkle before I was even thirty-five. She was seventy-eight and still so full of life. When I first met her in Maple Leaf Retirement Home, I thought we would never get along. Being hired immediately after graduation, I was excited to finally move onto real life- no more classes and reports. I could finally help keep the elderly healthy, it’s what I had wanted to do since I was a child. That was until June 6th, 2014; the day I met her.

Beverly Jane Edith Williams was a dainty seventy-five year old with dyed red hair and thin eyebrows that always seemed to be drawn on in a scowl. She only liked to eat green foods on Thursday’s, and meat on Saturday’s. No food could be touching and forks had to be three pronged. Long crew neck t-shirts must have had one sleeve folded across the top and one underneath the bottom. So precise that Beverly Jane was.

Widowed, but no next of kin, no relatives currently living. Her lonesome life was all laid out in front of me in her file. She would have killed me if she knew I read through it. “That’s an invasion of privacy,” she’d say, “You’re probably some Russian spy our government doesn’t know about. Those politicians are some lazy bastards, I tell ya.”

Corrupted by her own insecurities, she pushed everyone away in an attempt to keep herself safe. She shared her secrets with me one day when I shared mine. It had been my first midnight shift, which was stressful enough, and my long-term boyfriend had dumped me for my best friend.

“Two birds with one stone.”

I had asked what she had meant by that.

“You’ll have people come into your life and make it seem like they are going to be there for the rest of time. They’ll take and take all they can, until you have nothing left to give. Then when they realize they have no more use for you, they leave. You’re better off without both the lover and best friend in the end. They were never real, they never cared. Instead of finding one out now and another later, you got them both out of them way right off the bat.”

“I guess you speak from experience.”

“Now listen here, dear. You may’ve just shared something personal with me, but it’s not like I wanted you to. You should expect nothing from me in return.” Her soft advice was now replaced with a stern order. “Now get out of my room and wipe those tears. I can’t stand to see them slide down your face any longer.”

As I had been drying my face and reapplying makeup, another nurse had knocked on the bathroom door.

“Emily, the patient in room 237 has requested you visit her immediately.”

I had re entered her room with a fake smile plastered onto my face.

“Did you need something, Ms. Williams? I was told you called for me.”

“Yes, I did.” Silence.

“Ms. Williams?”

“Just call me Beverly. And get over here and sit your ass down.”

“What is it?”

“Just don’t speak. Let me talk.” I signaled for her to continue along. “My daddy left for the Korean War when I was nine years old in ‘50. I had an older sister, Meredith, and a pet dog, Rufus. After he left, Mama told us that we might not see him again, that something might happen and we would lose our Papa. Only nine years old, I refused to believe I could live without my hero, my first love, my father. She paused, reminiscing in only what I could guess were memories of her dad. I knew she was finally opening up to me, so I sat and waited for a few minutes for her to start again. “You know, I can’t believe I’m actually saying any of this to you. I ain’t ever told anybody about my childhood.” Another pause. “Meredith had lost her right leg, and eventually her life from Polio in ‘53, only a year after the news of my father’s death had reached home. Rufus ran away, probably with some bitch he found in the neighborhood, when I was fourteen. Get it, cause female dogs are called bitches? She let out a soft chuckle, and I couldn’t help but grin. After another moment of her collecting her thoughts, she resumed. When I was sixteen, mom started to have strange men over at the house every night. I’d hear her sobs through the walls after they left each morning. It soon seemed like there was never a moment she was sober, so I left. I got on a train and headed to Chicago, in hopes of finding work, but unexpectedly, I found love instead. My sweet Richard Wayne. He worked as a mailman for the small town I had moved to, and I’ve never seen a man look so sexy in a uniform.” She gave me a sly wink. “Oh you should’ve seen him, Emily. I don’t think anyone else could have been in love like I was. And believe it or not, I was the one that made the first move. After meeting his lovely mother and sister, he had proposed to me May 5th, 1961, the night the first American man landed on the moon. We wed September 13th the same year and life was perfect. We moved in together, and each got a job at the local university, Rich being a janitor and me a secretary. 1964 rolled along and Richard had decided to enlist for the army to fight in the Vietnam War. With much hesitation from me, I had finally agreed to support him. I kissed him on the doorstep of our house, and that was the last time I really saw my husband. He returned in ‘68, but he wasn’t the same. Only now do I know he had PTSD. He was there, but the spark behind his eyes and the genuinity behind his voice was gone, he was monotonous. We still loved each other until death did us part in 2012, when he died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. After I had no one else, I decided I didn’t want to be alone and I came here, to Maple Leaf.”

After laying everything out there in front of each other, exposing our weak spots, we both gained more respect for one another. We became each other’s best friends. I helped her get around when she couldn’t walk, she comforted me when I had no one else to turn to. We stayed up through the nights just talking and sharing jokes. We calmed each other down when her roommate, Diane, stole her last piece of cornbread, or when my co worker, Janice, filed the wrong charts and blamed me for it.

We threw our own 2016 New Years party in room 237, drinking sparkling grape juice and eating cheese cubes. As the ball dropped and the shouting of numbers began, I felt a smooth hand clasp around mine, and as I looked over to her face, silhouetted by the light of the TV, she only wore a content smile as she kept her eyes focused ahead, and in that moment, I never felt like I had left home for college, or work. I didn’t feel like I had no one left to care about me, I no longer felt like I was alone. She had become my home in only three years time. Whenever I was with her was when I was most comfortable living in this boring, lonely life.

But she started to get sick.

Fluid filled her lungs and it was no longer green foods on Thursday’s, and meat on Saturday’s. It became pleurodesis* on Monday’s and 100 mg of Furosemide**. No more smooth laughs, only wheezing breaths. Just like her husband returning from war, she was never the same.

September 13th, 2017, what would have been her and Richard’s 56th year anniversary, was the last time Beverly Jane Edith Williams took an agonizing breath.

I thought I could move on, that I could just find another patient to connect with, but everyone had a part of them that reminded me of her.

So as I sit on this park bench, in the middle of November, not caring that I had quit my job not even 24 hours prior, I reach up to my face and smooth it out.

“You’re going to get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that.” Well, Bev, I can’t seem to do much else these days.

*Pleurodesis- Operation in removing fluid from the lungs by draining it.

**Furosemide- medication used in treating Pleural Effusion (Fluid buildup on the lungs.)

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