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japes-the-clown · 3 years

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THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE: AN INVERSION ON “COMING OF AGE” FILMS AND A CRITICISM OF ADULTHOOD

Hi hello hey it’s me Jericho Jay “Japes” Marshall out here with a pretentious love letter to the filmmaking on display in nickelodeons The Spongebob Movie. Yes, I know it’s a kids movie. Yes, I know it’s not that deep. But I’m majoring in english, and deeply depressed, so I need to get this OUT and onto a PAGE.

I have watched this film many times over my lifetime, a few when i was just a kid, then in my early teens, even when i turned eighteen, and now, a month before i turn 20. Every time, I grow a new appreciation for the nuances that this movie brings to the table, and on my most recent watch my own deliverance from childhood makes me relate to the core themes the hardest I ever have. The Spongebob Movie isn’t just a movie about childhood, but a movie about adulthood.

Today, I’m going to make clear exactly how The Spongebob Squarepants Movie criticizes our understanding of adulthood and how society treats the neurodivergent, while effectively turning the “Coming of Age” genre on its head, within its 87 minute runtime.

START: CONSISTENT CHARACTERIZATION

One thing a lot of films (ESPECIALLY kids films) fail to nail is consistently showing aspects of a character throughout the runtime, enough that changes to a character feel impactful and justified instead of rushed and stifled. The best examples of movies that fail to do this are often the marvel movies that people tend to not remember- the first two thor movies, the avengers age of ultron, etc. In these movies, characters certainly have traits, but their personalities and motives can be very weak and make dramatic changes feel A LOT less dramatic. This can be seen in age of ultron, when quicksilver gave his own life to save someone else, which felt like nothing because he wasn't well developed. He wasn't particularly endearing, nor did him sacrificing his life contradict a part of his character. It felt very much like the writers trying to say "Look, this character which was once opposing the avengers, is now dying for one. Please cry." No hate to the writers of Age of Ultron, but it proves itself often to be an unmemorable part of the catalogue.

In the Spongebob Movie, the characterization is ON. POINT. After the introduction, with the pirates rushing in to watch spongebob, we get so much information regarding spongebob as a character.

Pictured: Spongebob holding a piece of cheese like an operator

The first scene of the plot is a dream sequence a large crowded scene at the Krusty Krab, with a customer not receiving cheese on his patty, and it being positioned in the same way as a bomb being located. In the dream, everyone is panicked, and Mr. Krabs is visibly distressed, almost like a damsel. Spongebob comes in, announcing his position as manager, much to the relief of Krabs. He goes in, and puts cheese on the burger (again, very akin to a bomb defusal scene), bringing the perturbed customer out safe and sound. Everyone lifts spongebob up as a hero, which is interrupted by his boat alarm.

This scene is JAM PACKED with stuff that both introduces the character to new watchers and introduces the crux of his arc to everyone else. Spongebob of course is very fond of the Krusty Krab, and wants to be the manager- he wants people to see him as cool, and as a responsible adult. He wants to be the sort of person that can be trusted with big responsibilities. And we also see, most importantly, that he is extremely childish through his faximile of what it meant to be adult. Everything is scaled up; it's a very silly situation, which well suits both the joke and his character as an inexperienced kid. This is one of the most direct ways to convey someone's character, because a dream can be interpreted as a direct port into a character's desires. This being the first introduction to the character in the movie sets the tone for EVERY following situation.

In the next few scenes you see Spongebob's real life, which involves his lengthy morning routine; his life is sort of whimsical, and so too is his routine. He showers by shoving a hose into himself till he bursts with water, he uses toothpaste to clean his eyes but not his teeth, and he puts on pants which he must fold to make. Again, all pretty solid jokes, but also very telling about his outlook. He is funny, weird, and childish, which is juxtaposed by the scene where he's- he's uh- showering with squidward. Squidward is an example of the "adult" that spongebob isn't. This has always been the case, but here his normal routine makes it very clear that other people in this world aren't like spongebob. They shower normally, they brush their teeth, they put their clothes on like normal. Spongebob's world is one of wonder and without responsibility, which makes it questionable as to whether he could handle one.

Pictured: Spongebob's room, adorned with childhood imagery

Pictured: Spongebob celebrating his position as a manager, despite Krabs saying that it was squidward who got it

Even his room in this scene screams "kid". He has toys strewn about, glow in the dark stars, and pictures of superheroes on the wall. He even says "Sorry about this calendar" as he rips a page, personifying inanimate objects as a kid would. The movie is telling you, "THIS CHARACTER IS A KID", but in a way that's masked because it's also just a set up for jokes. It's done so well, in my opinion, that it would go over your head because from your perspective you would be laughing along as spongebob did his wacky antics.

On top of that, his excitement for his assured managerial position at the Krusty Krab 2 continues to be bolstered. He marked it off with a cute drawing on his calendar, for those familiar he changes his normal "I'm ready" chant to "I'm ready- promotion-", and he's even already set up a party to celebrate at his favorite chain, Goofy Goobers, a child's entertainment restaurant similar to chucky cheese, albeit replacing pizza for ice cream. He hasn't just gotten excited, but has this childish anticipation for something which isn't even assured.

Spongebob arrives at the opening of the Krusty Krab 2, where he is so excited he can't contain his glee. He breaks the silence and makes members of the crowd uncomfortable, reinforcing again that spongebob is a standout in a world of adults, and a kid who doesn't understand certain social norms, which society looks down upon. When Krabs reveals that Squidward got the managerial position, Spongebob hyped himself so much that he starts celebrating, not even noticing that he wasn't picked. He gets on stage, and begins to give a speech, to which Krabs interrupts.

The next part I think best illustrates Spongebob's clear ignorance to society: Krabs attempts to subtly tell spongebob that he isn't getting the job, but spongebob repeats everything he says into the microphone. Again, fantastic joke, grade A, but the amount this shows how invested spongebob was. He already saw himself as an adult, someone who everyone would look up to as a manager- he could take the responsibility, and isn't aware of everyone likely cringing in the audience. This is the natural step for him in his mind, especially because of his exemplary work which had been previously celebrated through employee of the month awards. This was not an option for him. There wasn't a world in his mind where he would be outclassed by squidward.

Krabs has to break to him that he lacks responsibility, and that his childishness makes it difficult for Krabs to give him such a job. This might seem harsh, but I think the intro again shows how Spongebob saw the job; he didn't understand what it would be like, fantasizing another level in the menial work structure to be an amazing adventure of a job. People in the crowd reaffirm that in the eyes of society, spongebob is just a kid, a goofball. In my eyes, this is a story not just of childhood, but of neurodivergence. Spongebob isn't normal, and is blocked by society for his ignorance of social norms and sunny disposition. He finds things fun that other people can not, and he places values in completely different things. So he is blocked from the meaningful recognition he desired, despite the obvious evidence of his commitment.

I think this is a mighty interesting dichotomy!!! Simultaneously, spongebob's understanding of the world truly is warped, often resulting in a lack of consideration for others as well as harm for himself when things don't go his way, AND he is a good worker which puts in MANY hours of work without so much of a complaint. This is COMPLEX. You have to ask yourself, as a viewer, "would I give spongebob the job?" The answer can be different and can be REASONED.

And that's JUST spongebob! There are other characters with characterization that mixes into the themes of the movie very well, but I'm going to bring up any related points in future sections.

Okay, Okay. So now you're saying "WOW OKAY GREAT so why does any of this matter?" I'm so glad you asked. VERY glad.

2: THE BREAKING OF A YOUNG MAN'S SPIRIT

THIS is the point of the movie. The obstacle in this movie truly isn't adulthood, but instead self doubt. Spongebob's whole world is turned upside down by Krab's rejection of his basic personality. Spongebob asks himself: is it REALLY okay to be who I am? Am I an adult? Is the world fair? One of the most shocking scenes in the movie is blended so well in tone with the rest that you don't really notice; spongebob eating ice cream to cope with his disappointment, akin to that of adults drinking alcohol, and appearing to be visually "drunk" and washed up. This is BRILLIANT, and a recurring theme, where the true line between adult and childhood becomes blurry and impossible to see. Spongebob, the representation of a kid, gets hungover, spiteful, and angry about the injustice of his situation. This is often how adults act in the fact of adversity, but what's funny is that this too is how a kid would act; getting angry and overindulging, feeling entitled and acting socially immature when he didn't get what he wanted. He walks in to the Krusty Krab literally just to shit talk Krabs. And it doesn't stop there.

Pictured: Plankton finding "Plan Z" and looking at it like a centerfold in a playboy magazine

Almost every character in this movie juxtaposes another, again smearing the line of what it means to be an adult. For example, Spongebob and Plankton are polar opposites; plankton is cold and vengeful, angry at the world around him, and spongebob is a happy person who tends not to take things personally, a friend to all. In planktons first appearances in the movie, he is portrayed with clear adult themes, mocking spongebob, making pinup jokes about plan z, and living in a fairly dark and grey space. But, as the story moves along, we see many similarities; both spongebob and plankton are fairly one track minded, and when spongebob's perception is broken he himself gets a little vengeful. When eugene is put in danger over this, though, we do see that he places the lives of others over his own wants. And, even at the end of the movie, we see their similarities. Plankton reuses the "Sorry Calendar" joke that spongebob used at the start of the movie, drawing another line of what it means to be an adult. Is it childish of plankton to say that? Is the inherent irony he has impactful here? His want for something that isn't his, and his disregard for others in pursuing it feels just like how a younger child may steal the toy of another, without understanding what it means to share.

Pictured: Neptune flipping his shit at his lost crown

Then, there's the character of Neptune. Neptune is a big man baby. He rules the entire land, commands the most respect, and is considered the most powerful person under the sea, and yet, we see that he gets overprotective of his property, prepared to execute anyone who even annoys him. Throughout the film, he's obsessed with chasing an image of youth, as he is bald, and ignores the suffering of the people on bikini bottom to make sure no one sees his bald head. He throws what's equivalent to a tantrum when he finds his crown is missing, and believes a very crude note written by plankton saying that it was eugene who stole it. His character is an "acceptable" child because he's in a position of power, where spongebob is an "unacceptable" child as he is just a working class member of society. And the funniest part is, that he mocks spongebob for wanting to go for the crown, when even he, the strongest person in bikini bottom, refuses to go out of fear.

We see that these "bastions" of adulthood, plankton and neptune, are the ones who are responsible for missteps of society; we're ALL children in the long run, but the strict enforcement of a perceived true adulthood creates a space where they can act immaturely yet those under them/around them cannot. Dennis makes this case even more, as the only thing he does in this movie is hurt others. There's only one thing that seems to truly denote adulthood, and it's cruelty.

Even squidward, the adult that is supposed to be more responsible that spongebob, refuses to go on the quest to retrieve the crown, as he acts mostly in self interest, even later claiming to only care that plankton was stealing the secret formula as it was hurting his own paycheck.

Spongebob is the only one willing to go, willing to defend the man who wronged him, willing to value life over his own interests. He is both child and adult, just as the adults are too children.

As he moves through the plot of this film, he becomes less confident in his disposition, with his naivete causing moments like him and patrick crossing the state line and immediately getting carjacked, or them being put into an uncomfortable situation by all the bubbles they blew when they tried to get their car back. His bright personality is questioned constantly: Only five days to shell city? BY CAR. This is man's country. But weren't we the double bubble blowing babies?

Pictured: Spongebob caught trying to take back the key to the patty wagon when patrick fails to distract everyone

This is made more obvious to him as patrick remains oblivious throughout; patrick is a mirror for him, that acts as a childhood constant, that makes it clearer for him every day the draws of his childishness. There's the moment in the club where patrick's distraction was poorly thought out, and only because he said he wanted to do it adamantly, there's the moment where patrick challenged neptune on how many days they would have to do it, which served no purpose but for his own fun, there's the moment patrick points out the free ice cream trap- he is the unemployed uncritical lens that spongebob is afraid he is.

So everything's fucked, and anyone who is childish is bad i guess!!!

But that isn't so,

3: The illusion of manhood

So we've talked about spongebob's characterization as a naive child, how this is impactful in his transformation into someone who is anxious about that aspect of his personality, and how the society around him is hypocritical in it's own immaturity. But where does this all come together?

Pictured: Planktons dystopian world, which Mindy shows Spongebob and Patrick

It's at spongebob and patricks "conversion to manhood". At his lowest point, spongebob becomes a squidward- he becomes critical of his AND patricks interests, and regards them as childish, deciding that this means that they can't make it to shell city, as it requires them to be adults. When mindy shows them the dire situation back home, she hopes that spongebob's sunny personality and care for others would shine through, but instead he turns to what society has been telling him; it's impossible. He can't do it, he's just a little kid, and there is no point to any of this as he'll fail regardless.

Thinking about it like this, it truly is one of the darkest points in the entire series; spongebob just openly admitted that there was nothing he could do, that all of his friends were goners because he was effectively useless.

Mindy comes up with an idea; she'll trick spongebob and patrick into believing they're men; she convinces them of mermaid magic (their innocence allowing them to believe) and uses kelp to make them think they've matured into adults. Notice that physical modifiers being the only key to this "fake adulthood". With this, they jump off a cliff because they believe that with adulthood, they are invincible.

This is really telling about how the society they're in thinks of being an adult, and relays that to children. There's another level, a distinct separation between spongebob and adulthood, which seemed like the difference between a squire and a knight- being an adult means that you aren't weak anymore (as though he was weak in the first place), and thus you can do things you never thought before. Is it truly healthy that this is how a society tells kids that adulthood is like, for them to enter the world and feel a truly awful financial and literal hellscape waiting for them? uh, you can, you can decide that for yourself i think.

Nonetheless, they survive the fall, and conclude that they really are invincible, able to power through a ravine with their happy go lucky attitude, eventually befriending the monsters which were once trying to kill them. They weren't acting like adults, but the labels themselves made it possible for them to soldier on with the childlike disposition they had. I find that to be powerful. If we were able to be more hopeful as adults, and power through the worst things brightly, could we do great things? Idk but these depression meds sure do taste good nom nom

After crossing the ravine, spongebob and patrick meet dennis, and have their worldview crushed as it's revealed that they are actually still kids. Dennis being the "alpha male" that he is, is characterized by violence and a lack of morality. The pair are saved by a giant boot, which is the first of two humans in this movie. Spongebob and patrick are both taken by the man in the diver suit, as we fade to black, marking the end of their illusion of adulthood.

4: Back from the Edge (of death)

Spongebob and Patrick awaken in an antique shop, realizing that they were surrounded by fish that had been killed specifically for sale as tacky antiques. They are lifted out of their fishbowl, and put under a heatlamp, as their fate is sealed to become a member among those dead fish. In spongebob's final moments, he mourns his inability to be an adult, as well as to reach shell city; but before they both die, patrick points out that they truly did reach shell city, as the crown was within their reach.

This. This is a phenomenal scene. Why? Because of what it means for spongebob's arc.

Pictured: Spongebob and Patrick on their deathbeds, finding happiness

He sees the crown, and realizes that, unequivocally, that even if he didn't bring the crown back, he made it to shell city. Every person he met told him that he couldn't even do that. and he did it. He is a kid, yes, but he's a kid who went where not even NEPTUNE dared go. Everything people said about him, about how him being a kid stopped him from success, was suddenly shattered. He has been asking himself if it's okay that he is a kid, and he saw, unambiguously, that it is. He is allowed to be happy. He can enjoy things that other people don't. He can be naive. He can be himself, no matter what anyone says. And so can you. Great things can be done by people who are "childish", who are "naive", who are kind without expecting a return, all of it. YOU are okay. Your stims are okay, your comfort series are okay, your interest in tropes are okay, YOU'RE OKAY!!!!

with that, spongebob and patrick are dehydrated on the table, and ostensibly die, the kids that they are, shedding one final tear each, forming a heart beneath them.

...

Miraculously, the tear electrocutes that lamp at it's socket, causing smoke to rise and set off the sprinklers, rehydrating the pair, and bringing them back to life. The "Man in the Suit" attempts to capture them, seeing them about to lift Neptune's crown, but the rest of the dehydrated fish come back to life- squirting him with his own glue and beating him to the ground, as spongebob and patrick run out with the crown. David Hasselhoff offers them a ride back to Bikini Bottom, and the pair begin their ride back.

5: The confrontation of Adulthood and Childhood

Pictured: Dennis looking all lame and shit

As spongebob and patrick are being swam back to bikini bottom, the boot under which dennis was crushed rockets to Hasselhoff, spitting him back out to finish the job. The appearance of Dennis, IN MY OPINION, makes him look rather goofy, with his broken glasses making him look more like a office worker than a badass assassin as he attempts to kill spongebob and patrick. Spongebob, in trying to reason with him, is able to ruin his eyes with bubbles, and then survives as dennis gets hit by a raised platform which spongebob and patrick are too low to be hit by.

Having defeated one representation of adulthood, spongebob and patrick are shot down by HasselHoffs MASSIVE MAN TITS with the crown in order to prevent Krab's fate, blocking Neptune's lazer just in time as they crash in.

All seems to be well, but plankton uses one of his mind control helmets (which we'll be getting into later) to enslave even Neptune, putting mindy, spongebob, patrick, and Krabs against the wall.

In another stark moment of characterization, Spongebob tells patrick that "Plankton Cheated", which prompts plankton to tell spongebob that the situation wasn't a kiddy game, and that it was the real world. This sort of distinctions in their ethos tell you how spongebob interacts with justice; he believes in "playing fair", while plankton is bitter and believes in getting what he wants.

Finally, the apex to our plot, is a musical number. Spongebob begins to make a long-winded speech, where he takes ownership of every label he was called as he stood on the stage at the beginning, the similarity between the two events being clear (holding a microphone at an inappropriate time, making a speech as he blocks out input from an adult trying to talk him down). Spongebob then busts out into the film's rendition of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock", "I'm a Goofy Goober". This results in spongebob reversing plankton's whole plot with "the power of rock and roll". Plankton is made powerless, and thrown into a little padded cell.

The final scene in the movie has Mr. Krabs freed from his imprisonment in ice, and spongebob is offered squidwards position as manager of the second Krusty Krab. He seems hesitant, and squidward offers an insightful analysis of what spongebob might be feeling (the typical analysis of a coming of age movie, where the protagonist finds out that what they wanted all along is not what they wanted, but it was what was inside all along). Spongebob refutes that squidwards fly was just down, and GLADLY accepts the job.

AND THAT'S THE MOVIE

6: AN INVERSION ON THE COMING OF AGE GENRE

A coming of age story tends to be one which is focus on the growth of a character from childhood to adulthood, asking questions about what it means to be an adult. A character reaches for their perceived adulthood, and realizes what it means to ACTUALLY be an adult, typically juxtaposing what people think (drugs, parties, sex) versus what the movie postures as the correct adulthood (responsibility). In this, I think that the spongebob movie directly criticizes the position of what "an adult" is, in the sense of how someone acts.

Like we discussed in part 2, every adult character in this movie tends to be very childish in themselves, unable to see through simple ruses, and often very possessive of personal property. I don't think we actually see a child in this movie as a speaker at any point, only really as background characters (in goofy goobers to solidify spongebob as childish, and I believe in the chum bucket as they're lead to an unsafe place by their parents, who are supposed to be responsible). Thus, what is mostly examined is how adulthood and childhood is a very thin line. Squidward, for example, going directly to plankton to accuse him of stealing the formula, instead of taking it to the top immediately, which would have ended this whole thing fairly quickly; that was rather silly, and was the fruit of his need to assert himself as an adult.

Spongebob goes through this movie FIRST not caring much about whether or not he was an adult, and it is only after the social pressure from adults does he start to chase it. He then chases his perceived image of an adult, going on an adventure, and is crushed by the fact that he isn't an adult. Instead of finding what an adult is, he instead becomes comfortable with his existence as a child, finding himself at the end of the movie able to comfortably chase after an ideal again, where in a normal movie he would humbly reject the job he was offered.

This is, truly, what we should all take from this film. Spongebob realizes that people who aren't necessarily socially adjusted or acceptable can do great things, regardless of what the people around them say, especially because the people around them are liable to throw tantrums and be actively harmful to society. He is allowed to find comfort in childish things, and to be naive, because the world needs more people willing to help others. It's a scathing criticism on the imposed adulthood that exists in a lot of coming of age films, which begs us to drop fun in the interest of doing the right thing, as though those two ideas are contradictory.

BONUS: EXTRA STUFF THAT I LIKED

The goofy goober song became really good storytelling, at first marking childishness, then marking a level of discomfort and judgement in the club, then marking spongebob recognizing that his happiness came from what he liked and not some vague idea of adulthood, and finally marking his full acceptance of his childishness, taking the form of rock, the music of rebellion. It's not as subtle as leitmotifs, but it works really well in how the same song can give very different feelings throughout, and inform how we interact with a story.

There are a lot more examples of adults being pressured into childishness, with the connected twins who liked goofy goober at the club, who were beaten senseless for absolutely no reason, which highlights the way that the society hurts people that, by all means, are just as much adults as anyone else. There's of course Plankton's helmets which created a society of people who simply slaved away with nothing to say, taking life as it came and listening to authority.

On top of that, this movie is PRETTY ANTICAPITALIST AND ANTIMONARCHY, despite those things being allowed to continue to exist at the end- monarchy is seen misusing power constantly and often for unfounded reasons, and Spongebob's diligence at work is rejected by a penny pinching Krabs, who cares only about money. Like, THE KRUSTY KRABS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER? THAT IS SOME MONTY PYTHON ASS SHIT. This year is the first year i laughed at that joke, because it's really some "capitalists are fucking dumb as shit" humor that slipped over my head when i was a kid. The villain literally being defeated by Rock and Roll, which was sung with a message against the oppression of differences in people? Yeah, I think the spongebob movie hated rich mother fuckers.

END: UH YEAH THAT'S WHAT IT IS

So yeah. The movie is good I think. There's a lot more i could go into, but I've been writing this post for hours and at this point i haven't even read it so...

I recommend going back and giving this film a rewatch!!! Pay attention to all the moments where adults act like children/kids act like adults, because it'll make ur brain pop like a zit. Anyways that's me, I'm Jericho Jay "Japes" Marshall, and I HATE facism.

#spongebob #spongebon squarepants #analysis #film #good movie #marvel #avengers age of ultron #funny

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heartcrypt-blog · 4 years

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☕ . ˚ ◝ ( kim jisoo. cisfemale. she/her. ) vanessa yun is a twenty-four year old scorpio. the wedding planner’s go-to order is an almond milk macchiato. they like to listen to rhiannon by fleetwood mac while they wait for their order. the employees of the deja brew think they are disenchanted but swear they’re totally genuine as well. maybe that’s why empty champagne flutes, bitter smiles and pencil skirts remind me of them.

hey there babyluvs! i’m pleased to be here to write with you all ^-^ i’m honestly so terrible at intros but we’re going to get through this together okay?? i’ll start by giving you a little bit of info on my cynical lil wilted flower over here <3 vanessa was born to a single mom and aspiring broadway performer in downtown buffalo, new york. she loved the city even as a child, and would often tag along with her mom wherever she went. the two were the best of friends, which sometimes came at the expense of her mother being the responsible adult. vanessa was sometimes even more detail-oriented than her mother, which led to her being something of a miniature assistant. after watching some of the plays her mother was in, as well as others, vanessa became obsessed with the idea of love. her mother had a collection of recorded productions, many of them deeply romantic tales. vanessa was hooked on the idealistic belief that love was a perfect, momentous occasion that always included fireworks and whimsical songs and people dancing in the streets. her mother enabled these fantasies of the perfect love story, filling vanessa’s head with the idea that relationships were all about a quick, sudden feeling that you needed to act on immediately rather than an obstacle-filled journey that could be just as painful as it could beautiful. her naivete about the subject led to her becoming a bit of a serial dater in high school. she was on the hunt for a perfect love story, after all. she was convinced that she’d know it no sooner than things got started, so none of her relationships lasted very long. it led to some unsavory rumors about her among some of the students, but she was confident that she knew what she was doing. in her sophomore year, she simply knew she had met the one. he had the most exquisite eyes and heartrending smile; he knew all the right things to say, and he’d brushed off the rumors about her from the very beginning. he kissed her like she was the only person he’d ever care about, and vanessa was swept away in the feeling. it was the breathless kind of romance she’d always yearned for. the two were inseparable for the remainder of high school, and even got engaged before heading off to separate colleges. vanessa’s love of romance and eye for detail led her down the wedding planning path at new york university, while her beau was attending his father’s alma mater in wisconsin. even though they’d mostly be apart for four years, she knew they’d stand the test of time and distance. during her time at nyu, vanessa made a fairly good friend who seemed to share her hopeless romantic nature. the two talked often over coffee, and even had crappy rom com marathons together. meanwhile, her fiance seemed to begin distancing himself from her. he began calling much less often, and even ignoring her own calls. and when she actually could get in touch with him, there always seemed to be voices in the background that he was hell bent on her not hearing. deep down, she knew things were headed for disaster, but her dedication to the man of her dreams kept her hopes up. still though, the friend she’d made in college whom she had so much in common with...she couldn’t deny that feelings were starting to form there. they spent far too much time together and liked each other far too much for there not to be feelings. things nearly came to a head several times between them, but she couldn’t stray. after graduation, it finally came time for the wedding vanessa had spent her entire life planning. she knew going into it that she had feelings for someone else, and that her fiance was likely cheating on her, but she still intended to walk down the aisle, head held high. her stomach full of butterflies, she did so, walking towards the man who had a smarmy grin on his face. a man she knew once, or maybe she never had. maybe she had just been blinded by her obsession with love. either way, as their vows began, vanessa couldn’t shake off a feeling of impropriety. that’s when she heard it; the double doors to the front of the church opening. it was him, her friend from college. “i don’t know if you’ve gotten to the objection part, but i object,” he muttered to the priest, out of breath. once again, vanessa’s heart was made new. it was as if a scene from a movie had played out in her very own life. maybe love didn’t deserve the doubts she’d started to cast on it. after all, the man she really loved had just saved her from making a huge mistake, had he not? the two star-crossed lovers fled the church in a hurry, fingers intertwined, dodging pedestrians on the sidewalk as they laughed together. it was perfect; everything she had ever wanted. this type of love could never come with a hefty price tag...could it? the first few months were like a honeymoon at sunset that simply wouldn’t end. champagne on a hotel balcony, making love in the back seat, revealing secrets in shy whispers. it filled vanessa’s head with dreams and sanguine thoughts, even though she’d been burned once before. she found work with an event planning agency, filling her days with wedding details, consultations, cake tastings and dress fittings. even though her own wedding hadn’t exactly gone off without a hitch, she still adored the festivities and loved the thought of giving other people their perfect day. and when she got home at the end of the day, she’d get to spend time with the love of her life. things were going absolutely amazing. he couldn’t have been more supportive of her career, always encouraging her to go out with her coworkers more to improve relations, or work longer hours in order to gain her boss’ respect. she was so appreciative, she was determined to repay him. knocking off early for lunch one day, she prepared him a romantic picnic. certainly something she stole from a movie, but she knew he’d enjoy it nonetheless. they were both corny like that. she arrived home at noon, picnic basket adorned with fresh flowers in hand, ready to surprise him. she was the one who got the big surprise however, as after she covertly unlocked the door, she was met with the sight of an unknown female getting very familiar with the man she’d credited with healing her heart after her fiance’s betrayal. the woman’s fingertips were on the bare chest that vanessa herself had touched lovingly just the night before. she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t cry, she couldn’t even breathe; anger was too busy sweeping its way through her blood. even as he hurled excuse after excuse at her, trying to make himself seem blameless, vanessa’s eyes burned red. she was devastated, she was filled with utter rage, and she simply didn’t know what to do. the raw pain of yet another failed relationship that she’d staked everything on was almost too much to bear. love wasn’t a beautiful miracle; it was an ugly, manipulative trap made for certain people to get what they wanted and for everyone else to be left ravaged by it. a bitterness grew in her like twisting vines, and the longer she stayed in new york, the more she felt suffocated by them. her aimlessness carried her to california, as it was a great breadth away from her problems, and that was exactly where she wanted to be. she still works as a wedding planner, albeit one with a much more matter-of-fact and uninspired take on things. the happiness surrounding them almost makes her sick now, but it pays the bills, and it’s the only trade she really studied for. she looks at love much differently; she almost pities the people who experience it. her jaded outlook has driven her clientele down considerably, but vanessa simply can’t bring herself to feel the hope that she once did. she does’t really want to accept that her own attitude towards love in the first place is what got her into trouble. her trying to idealize every facet of romance made her unable to deal with the slightest disappointment. as afraid of love as she is, she’s even more afraid of confronting herself. wanted connections; best friend - the one person who can be real with vanessa and call her a dumb bitch when she needs to hear it (which is often). they know her an uncomfortable amount and can call her out when need be. still they both luff each other and hang out pretty much all the time. no strings - while vanessa may hate love now, that doesn’t mean she hates instant gratification. this little connection *chef’s kiss* is really gonna test her on the whole ‘how about you don’t fall for someone just bcuz they’re attractive and nice to you for five minutes??’ thing. lots of sarcastic banter, flirting in the form of constantly roasting each other and drunk 3am booty calls. what’s not to love like? therapy friend - at the behest of her best friend connection, vanessa has started tentatively attending therapy sessions. she doesn’t go that frequently, as she’s not all that comfortable with it yet, but she has at least made a friend there. this is basically someone else who has sessions at the same therapist, and they just started conversing in the waiting room, eventually striking up a friendship. maybe they even have coffee at a certain place sometimes?? leftover buddy - this is the person who is always calling dibs on vanessa’s catering leftovers from weddings. she brings them by whenever she can in some cute lil decorative containers, and the two get a chance to catch up when she does! employee of the month - i’d love for vanessa to have a favorite deja brew employee! just that one person who always makes her order just right and always greets her with a smile and a friendly hello in the way she needs, especially in the morning, since she’s such a bitter grouch. this alsdkfjgh isn’t much, but i’d also love to take on some of the plots you guys have available! we can also brainstorm something from scratch of course ^^ feel free to like my shmatus and i’ll come see what’s up in your ims!

#° ｡ * ♡ 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔.#hqbrew:intro

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dingoat · 6 years

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The Right Way | Part Three

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He saw Ahuska, the Bothan girl, eyes blazing red and a wicked, grinning snarl fixed on her snout. He grabbed her roughly around the waist, dragging her close, and she laughed, flicking the power switch of the whip she carried, causing a crackle of energy to light it up. She lashed it, once, expertly, the end curling around and sending a sharp jolt against the back of his leg. He grunted. Then laughed as well, something savage in his tone as he seized the back of her head and forced their lips to lock for a brief, hungry moment. She whipped him again, and his eyes lit up like burning embers. “Down, Ulfy boy. We’ve got work to do.” Ahuska… this other, terrible Ahuska, craned her neck over his shoulder and whistled. “Let’s go, Puppy! No time to lose!”

Ulfran’s stomach churned.

It wasn’t just the obvious wrongness of what he saw; it was the way the vision resonated in his mind, just out of sync with his perception of what was real, what was correct, what was actually happening. He wasn’t particularly well versed in prophesy or farseeing; it was an aspect of the Force he tended to steer well clear of. Far stronger users than he had lost themselves to the currents of what-ifs and maybes. But the way this vision grated at him; it wasn’t the wide, clear disparity from the present of a distant possibility, it wasn’t a culmination of many different choices across decades. This was the thrumming discord of two notes separated by not even half a step. This was a path stumbled upon by but the smallest of difference; a single tiny event splitting what was real from what he was being shown.

And he burned to know what that was.

Ulfran tried to tell himself his desire came from a need to protect. To find what little slip could cause such a disparity of events, what tiny change in the past could lead to him and her looking like that. To find it and know it so that he could prevent such a future ever coming to be. And he knew that such reasoning lead many Sensitives down paths of obsession. He knew that it really was nothing but a dark and morbid curiosity that pushed his next action.

He felt Nela begin to pull away. He felt her physical grip lessen, and their presence in the Force current start to fade. Not yet, he hissed, not knowing if he made the words audible, as he clamped down hard on Nela. His mind, his hands, his cold cybernetic fingers, all took a firm hold of the girl, because he knew without her he’d never be able to find this particular current again. It was only through her connection that he was able to steady himself and steer through the vision that thrummed painfully against them both. I’m sorry. I have to know.

Back, back through time Ulfran and Nela went. Scenes flashed and flickered past them; too fast to get a sense of the whole. Ahuska sending out a baying, surging pack of Anooba. Himself, eyes blazing, poised atop an elegantly decorated mansion staircase. Nines in a pair of tinted sunglasses, her cascade of blonde hair catching the light as she threw a dazzling smile over her shoulder. Lyrisal, halting at the sound of a blaster being primed to fire. Ahuska again, blue-eyed and armour clad, screaming at the sky. A pair of Mandalorians in silver and green, bumping their helmets together. A wampa roaring in the snow. A street on fire. A ship slowing, lilting as it changed course.

Ulfran began to wonder if he somehow had it wrong, as they traveled further and further back. Had he somehow slipped into another path? Was he watching some other lives, some other past entirely? But still, that discordant whine pressed at his consciousness, that ever present feeling that these events, though so terribly different from what had truly happened, veered from the true path, the right path, by just a breath.

And then, the sensation abruptly buzzed more sharply, almost unbearable for less than a second, before completely fading. This was it. The moment where that horrid vision would or would not become the future.

Huh.

The kid ran, fast as his scrawny legs could carry him, through the filthy alleyways of the Coruscant undercity. Something caught his eye; a scribble on one of the walls. Some sort of crude rendition of an animal; a wolf, perhaps. A flash of blue light flickered past overhead; he entertained the notion of turning away from the familiar path to his usual hideout, instead turning in the direction the wolf was pointing.

The kid began to move, lifting his foot from the pavement to make his first step, and everything began to buzz again.

The kid decided to go with his whim, and in that instant the buzzing faded. He took off to the right and ducked behind a dumpster just in time. The search passed him by, and once the sound of sirens and blare of lights was well in the distance the boy with an unruly mop of jet black hair slunk out, glanced about, and with a cocky, self assured grin sauntered off down the street. This was what actually happened, Ulfran was certain. This was the past as it truly was. Which meant…

With a delicate bit of focus, Ulfran let his consciousness slide back, back to the moment of indecision. As the vision began to resonate, he fixed on that uncomfortable sensation, and was able to follow as the kid instead opted to turn left, like in his dreams. Left, down the familiar stretch of road, and into the powerful grip of a Coruscant patrolman. “Ha!” came the triumphant bark, at the exact same moment as the kid let loose a curse.

“Kriff!”

That hazy buzz was ever-present, and Ulfran recognized it as the result of the deviation of realities. While he watched the alternate version unravel, the true events skirted at the periphery of awareness. He wasn’t yet ready to leave the flow of the Force. He wanted to watch this play out. He wanted to know who this kid was, and how such a whimsical decision could have such a profound effect on his own life. He was finally able to see beyond what his dreams had been willing to show.

The kid struggled and bit at the hands that seized him, but he was small and weedy, and had no chance. “Let me go, you son of a Gamorrean—“

The officer delivered a sharp smack across the boy’s face, which only served to make the kid thrash more wildly. One of his kicks actually met its mark, at which point the officer lifted him clean off his feet. “Give it up, kid, this is the end of your-“

Zzzzzzzzzzzt.

A blaster bolt thudded into the man’s shoulder and he cried out, more anger than pain, and the kid took his chance as the officer’s grip loosened, weaseling out of the vice like grasp and hitting the ground, ducking out of reach quicker than a greased gizka.

“You heard the kid, pig!” Shouted a tinny voice, as a pair of armoured individuals bore down on the officer, jetpacks blazing.

“The boy is a criminal,” came the snarled response, as he whirled and took aim at the newcomers, only to have his blaster shot out of his hand. Again he grunted, pain more evident in his tone, only to have another shot thud into his chest. He wore good armourweave; the bolt serving only to push him back a pace rather than cause any damage, but he was incensed.

“He can’t be more than eight years old. Go fight some real crime, will you?” The second warrior sneered, sweeping around in the air to give the officer a fierce kick from behind, sending him sprawling.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” the first one darted over toward the boy, offering an arm. “You ever flown before?”

The kid shook his head, but took up the offer eagerly, immediately trusting the pair of helmeted individuals who battered the officer to the ground.

He’d never flown before, but he relished every second of it. Swept into the air and carried to safety by his armoured rescuers, they took him around to a sector he’d never been before, setting down on a mid-level balcony of what he could only guess was where the pair were living.

“You got family, kid?” The first asked as he pulled off his helmet, revealing a young adult with sandy blonde, spiked hair and a cheeky, freckled face.

“It’s just me,” he replied. “Got some mates, but I live on my own…”

“You want to change that?”

The kid just stared, a little apprehensive, a little excited.

The armoured man chuckled. “You heard me. You’ve got spirit, we both watched you down there. You’re made of the right stuff. Our family’s not big, but there’s always room for someone like you amongst us. Boss would hate to think of a little fighter like you going to waste in the slums of Coruscant.”

“What do you think? People always at your back,” offered the second, a woman with burn scars on her cheek and vivid green eyes. “We could teach you to fly.”

The kid’s eyes, bright blue, grew ever wider under his unkempt mop of jet black hair. He was plainly awestruck. “Yeah. Yeah, I want to learn to fly. Not just a jetpack. I want a ship!”

The duo laughed, and the woman reached forward to ruffle up his fluffy hair. “Sure thing. What do we call you, then?”

“Mar’an,” he stated, puffing out his chest and flashing them both a ridiculously broad and toothy smile. The kid very nearly looked like he had fangs.

Ulfran and Nela both seemed to startle at the same moment, their interest in the scene playing out before them heightened astronomically. Dad, came the whisper of Nela’s internal voice. It’s Dad!!

“My name’s Mar’an.”

#fuck me that was a long bit #ahahahaa #writing #swtor writing #the right way #ulfran #ahuska #nela #crow #omfg #i'm having way too much fun with this #sob #i'm sorry

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thebibliomancer · 7 years

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100 Days of Comics! 084/100: Batman #237 (1971)

Today’s pull from the box of ever decreasing mystery is a Batman! From 1971!

This particular physical copy of the book is missing its cover. But I can’t be too upset. Its older than I am. I’m holding paper that is older than me. Also its a big beefy book with not only 25 pages of comic but a reprint from Detective Comics #37 from 1940. Content!

Also, this specific issue is a special Rutland Halloween story. I’ve covered Rutland, Vermont’s Halloween celebrations a couple times from the Marvel end so its neat to see how the other half lives.

We start with a dead Batman, staked to a tree. Is this Red Rain?

But on the next page, Dick Grayson and his college chums are taking in the Rutlan Halloween Parade, with one becoming increasingly fascinated by the parade floats. Granted, he’s been up three days cramming for an art exam.

Also, you may remember that on Marvel’s side of things, they use thinly veiled expies the Squadron Supreme to stand in for the DC characters that people will be dressed as at the parade.

DC just up and puts Marvel characters in the parade. There’s an off-brand Captain America, a Quicksilver mostly hid behind a float, and just Havok.

Dick and pals are headed to Tom Fagan’s Halloween party when they see some thugs beating up a fellow dressed as Robin. Dick and co intervene and Dick almost managed to beat up the thugs without coming off too Robinish but the float obsessed art major gets in his way to demand if he saw those outasight floats.

Still, the thugs are chased off. Costume party Robin says the thugs seemed convinced that he was the real Robin. But something seems fishy so on the pretext of hunting down the float maniac, Dick splits off from his friends to go investigate as TEEN/YOUNG ADULT WONDER, ROBIN.

And that’s when he finds dead Batman. Or rather, dead someone in a Batman Halloween costume.

And then the Grim Reaper bursts out of the darkness and menaces Robin with a scythe. This is less whimsical than Marvel’s Rutland stories tend to be.

While dodging, Robin trips over a rock and falls off a cliff, knocks himself unconscious, and starts drowning in a very shallow stream.

And the float maniac wanders by blissfully unaware, trying to find someone who will talk floats with him.

Luckily the real Batman is really in the area for reals and happens to spot the hapless college-aged boy wonder. He takes Robin to the mansion of Tom Fagan to be ministered by Doctor Gruener.

Gruener is in fact the reason Batman is in town. He was once an inmate of a concentration camp run by Nazi Colonel Kurt Schloss, aka the Butcher. Obviously a real bad dude who did a lot of torture and killing.

Gruener happened to spot Schloss while shopping for a gift for his daughter. The store clerk told Gruener that Schloss had retned a pirate costume to be delivered to Rutland, Vermont. Schloss apparently really loves masquerade parties.

Obviously, Gruner alerted the authorities. Hence why Batman is here.

As for the thugs beating up Robins and murdering Batmen. Well, some of Schloss’ ex-underlings are hunting him for the Nazi gold he stole. They must be trying to take care of Batman and Robin before they can interfere.

But since Robin is too injured, now it is Batman time.

He heads downstairs and runs into Tom Fagan who praises his Batman costume and the muscles that go with it. A nonplussed Batman just stammers that he exercises a lot.

And at the party we see Havok again, claw-hammer collander-helmet variant Thor and someone just dressed as Spider-Man but calling himself Webslinger Lad.

Someone once told me that the Squadron Supreme seemed a really disrespectful way to spoof DC but at least Marvel tried to put some layers between spoof and thing being spoofed.

Outside, float obsessed art student tries asking the Grim Reaper if he digs floats and then realizes its the Grim Reaper and runs screaming for help.

Float Guy runs into Batman who examines the body the Grim Reaper left and tells Float Boy to hide somewhere but not to breath word of the murders. If a panic gets out, they’ll lose their chance of nabbing Schloss. And if you can’t bring in Nazis to face justice for their crimes then civilization is a farce. And that’s from Batman.

Batman notices that the light in the tower of Fagan’s mansion is blinking in morse code and realizes it must be the thugs. He runs upstairs, missing a man in a pirate suit hidden in a cupboard and beats up some thugs.

The thug spills the beans with Batman implicitly threatens to drop him off the roof. They observed Schloss arrive in a yellow car so they rigged it up to explode.

And before Batman can warn Schloss the car explodes.

So three people have died, including an innocent man whose only mistake was dressing up as Batman. But the case still isn’t closed. The Reaper is still out there and responsible for killing the man in the woods.

And Batman knows who it is and goes to the site where the fake Batman was killed.

Oh, hi Thor, Spider-Man, and Havok again.

Batman confronts the Reaper. The men chasing Schloss had no reason to know Batman was around, not unless someone told them. And Doctor Gruener told them after having a change of heart and deciding to take personal vengeance on Schloss.

Gruener lost his parents and sisters in the concentration camp and watched Schloss laugh as they died. He still awakes from sleep screaming even after all these years.

Batman says he has no right to judge but neither does Gruener. And there’s not enough water in that stream to wash the blood from the hands of anyone who takes a life! Better way! Etc!

Gruener swings his scythe around, smacks Batman in the chin and then runs off. A part of Batman wants to let Gruener go, seeing some of himself in him. BUT NO HIS WAY IS WRONG!

Meanwhile, Float Guy is on top of the dam telling his college chums about meeting Batman and the Reaper and he’s at least stopped talking about Floats. Also his name is apparently Alan. Which I’d probably know if I read issues before this about Robin’s college adventures.

Then Gruenereaper comes charging along and demands that Alan get out of his way. In frustration over Alan not moving fast enough, he goes to swing the scythe at him but notices a star of david necklace that Alan was wearing.

And ashamed of what he has become, Gruener involuntarily takes a step back. Right off the damn. Where he falls and dies. He’s dead. That’s how this issue ends. Gruener dead lying on the dry side of the dam, star of david necklace conspicuously wrapped around one of the handles of his scythe so its framed obviously in the panel.

Apparently this issue was inspired by two things. A real life spooky occurrence at Tom Fagan’s real life spooky Halloween party when Berni Wrightson tried to scare the other DC staffers when they were exploring the forest by positing that someone in an orange wig from the party was hunting them through the forest because he hated comics artists and writers. And then they heard rustlings in the underbrush...

The other half of it was Denny O’Neil’s friend Harlan Ellison suggesting he do a story about Nazi war criminals. Put ‘em together and what have you got? Bippity boppity boo.

I don’t want to go longer by covering the reprint. I’ll just say that Batman investigates a conspiracy to create an international incident that he coincidentally overhears when he gets lost and stops for directions at a spooky house. World’s Greatest Detective.

He also kills a man, indirectly. The guy threw his sword, Batman blocked it with a door, and later punches the dude so he stumbles into the sticking out blade part and dies. And Batman basically says ‘good, I’m glad he’s dead.’

But this reprint was from Detective Comics #37. And in Detective Comics #38, Robin was introduced. Batman probably stops murdering so much when he has an impressionable child around.

#100 Days of Comics!#Batman #A Rutland spookyween adventure

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opalmothnightingale · 6 years

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Me and You and Our Separate Battles (Opposites Deactivate and Deflate Each Other, Oftentimes, Sorry to Say)...

1- 23- 18 -

Me and my daughter are sometimes opposites. Me and my husband too. What was common and shared, the bind, the core, between my husband and I included similarities as well as opposites... Because it was a case of like, pendulum between togetherness and separateness. We liked to see the separate spheres the other excelled within, even if we couldn’t partake of that dance and felt a degree of envy or vulnerability.. To be so inept where the other had so much potential and skill. We had dreams, of supporting each other in our dreams... Each in our separate dreams, but also together dreams, which was the only thing that really kept us together. If we’d been all only opposites, it would not have worked for us, because I have never been drawn to total opposites and partnering with them intensively... I am too individual and intense in my expressions which would be put out like fire under water... Destabilized and deactivated, dismantled my kingdom, my dreams and visionary schemes, my projects... and, my ideals...

Which my husband pretty well did, extinguished the spark. He changed so that little did even remain for me to feel was in common even though truthfully it was not so bad as that at all, but just my narrow interests and compulsive drives and obsessions weren’t satiated by him any longer... What compelled, wrapped our lives together and obsessed us together no longer did that for him...

Who had lost his spark, his spunk, his drive and compulsion,.. Burned out the last bit of the wick and no more was our fire mutual, but his earth and his fire, his fire the fire of force and opinion, recklessness, impulsive activeness, no longer the fire of thought and creativity and soul searching and deep darkness exploring...

All abandoned by the man who had decided he could become something else that suddenly riveted his whole existence... So practical, so mundane, pragmatic,.. Dull as dust, to me... Even as he kept a lot of his open mindedness, but not so much he could live it daily in a visionary lifestyle, that was what I felt I needed and was compelled towards, but was what he felt bored and tired and intolerant of... And abandoned completely...

Even telling me he didn’t know I had only wanted to be with him because of the idealistic, dreamy, inspired, passionate visionary life we shared, intellectual and creative.

He said he forgot or that he never knew. I wanted to strangle him, over and over over the years... Because I had told him this repeatedly, emphatically, and in great depth. I felt he could not have possibly not known or forgotten. I was raised to think people were dependable, promises could be kept, devotion could be for a lifetime and people wouldn’t just “forget” such emphatically discussed, mutually pulled apart and built together things,... dreams. Plans.

And I wonder if he was lying. Surely he didn’t forget. He just was trying to play with my head,... to make me feel there was no way to discuss it with him, ... because he could use the excuse... and,... so, of course, then he left me with no sensible reply to his big fat lie and escape of responsibility.

I should have known if someone had taught me to never trust and never depend on people for your future,... your dreams, partnership,... loyalty, devotion...

And dependability... Perseverance. Focus. Deeper values and integrity, instead of distractible hyper running around looking for fun and laziness all the time or pursuing extravagant amounts of money and social impressiveness, at the cost of friendship, family, deeper thinking, relationship problems and sincere efforts at conflict resolution, deeper or more extensive learning and development of their hearts, minds, selves, visionary dreams...

It’s kind of like they just gave up,... My friends... They just found it too difficult and found it too easy to fall in line... with the rest of life and the world...

It was like my husband couldn’t try to resolve conflicts and instead would play endless psychopathic games and level extreme misery and extreme insane levels of stress, agony and dehumanizing hate and emotional violence, on me,.. rather than try to really dive deep and work on his problems...

Taking out his frustrations with his work or his lack of achievements he had wanted... Like my dad was with my mom, only over much more trivial junk my dad attacked my mom... Not enough salt on the peas, and other insane ridiculous garbage, leading to hours of fuming abuse... Nightmare revisited...

Taking this out on me, in the form of controlling attempts to change our lives according to his whims... as if his whimsical changes would grant him happiness, but really the happiness he wanted could only be found through inner work.. and he didn’t have the patience or inclination for that...

And also he developed a severe inability to work on our conflicts... Rather it was always his way or the highway,... He could never be wrong. He could never bend,... on many issues... Not that he never did ever work together or change but it’s like we worked out some conflicts, and he cooperated but with many conflicts, he became completely intractable, controlling, dominant and excruciatingly

I don’t know why... Maybe after so many years of pain with me and him, he shut down and lost his mind... He became so abusive towards me... Even though he was not like that in the early years, several years, of our relationship... Why do people change like this to become hateful abusers to those they once cherished and nurtured?

He had vast extensive control over many issues of our lives... Even though these were totally valid and huge issues that he should have been willing to work with me on... It was as though he made the choice to shut down and never again open his mind and heart and become a hard headed, hard hearted person.

As though narcissistic fears of inadequacy or fears of abandonment made him lose his mind and turn into an attack dog for hours, weeks, however long till I gave up and let him tyrannically control the issue at hand.

So people abandoned what seemed most meaningful and important and relationships, deep caring and working together... Marriages fell apart, friendships were abandoned, idealism and visions were totally forgotten in favor of materialism, fun and distraction and work and normal social behavior, normal chit chat, normal interests, etc, etc... So I have not a shred in common with these people any more... (though my husband is not totally normal or I likely would not be able to even stay married to him at all... truthfully,...)

But, for me it is the opposite, I found it totally unbearable to fall in line. I would rather become a underworld dweller, a drop out of society than to fall in line.

I guess my sense of extreme authenticity is bizarre and totally extreme... Lol I guess it’s not that I’m better because left to my own devices I might have self desctructed.

Because, yes,... This world can be so hard and disillusioning for visionary types when they see so few visions and ideals are actually realistic in the world and many areas of life and for many people...

So instead, most people fall in line with society’s roles and normal behaviors when they see how stifled and oppressed idealistic visionary things are in the real adult world...

So. They fall right into line with the normal stuff,... Yes,... Just the same old stuff... Stuff they once mocked and shunned and cringed from... Like me... Like I still do, but they embrace them while I still run far the opposite way... They now embrace the very things I have felt repelled by from the start \

...and thought my friends did... thought their values, passions and visions would last through their adult life too, instead of turning to unidentifiable, unmemorable mush... until they fell in line with the rest of society as they grew up... Ugh!!!

How could they just change so much to something entirely different? I don’t know. I guess they were not ever as extreme as me, in their passions, maybe. In their drives, obsessions, narrow interests... The absolute compulsion towards authenticity,... Lucky them because they were not destroyed by the drives that had no outlet...

Lucky me now though because my drives are finally finding an outlet, one that they thought, I thought never existed... But it does, it’s just only very rare, extremely rare...

I want my daughter to see this reality, this rare world and self expression, from a young age and on through life, as she grows up and never feel like the world has crushed and consumed, rolled her up into its ideas...

Yes... I want her to always know what is possible and her ideas and ideals and visions do have a place in this world, after all... And, they always will...

A rare window into this world of possibility and depth and flow so generally abandoned, denied and attacked.

Maybe the people who taught me that others could be dependable and consistent... My parents, who taught me to fall into another’s world, with trust, and blend my life so vulnerably... Maybe they could teach me this, leave me so open to being destroyed and used totally...

Maybe they grew up in worlds and times when such things were actually dependable. Maybe their whole worlds were so small that the dependable rules they believed in were more commonly followed... Being a dependable consistent idealist is much more uncommon. Being a dependable normal person like they were, conservative, fundamentalist-tinged,.. it is common.

At least, somewhat... More so in the past maybe.

Which had pros and cons, because some of the fundamentalist beliefs and values were really truly good values and behaviors.

But these days,...

These days, it seems,... T to me, that flaky cop out avoidance and abandonment are common, and looking back all my friends did this to me,...

Or most of them. Others changed personality and became delusional so I couldn’t stand to hear them and they wouldn’t listen to reason,... Just continually bombarding me with extreme intolerable hate the world, can’t do anything about my misery with my life, kind of stuff that made me want to just hurt myself if I had to listen to it...

Urgh! So contagious and smothering was their mire on my already frail mental health... Oh well then... I tried but I can’t be misery in company... It would be the death of me, quite truly literally..

I have to find how to keep this inertia and misdirected, undirected chaos from overtaking me or my daughter,... Even if we’re opposites in many ways. I can’t change or teach my husband who has hardened into self righteous narrowness instead of cooperation and learning... But my daughter still has a chance to not be like the narrow, self-destructing or other-destructing ones, but can learn to thrive where others shut down their minds or hearts and forget anything else is even possible...

We don’t have to be opposites that fight, but only if we each choose to work together... That goes for any opposite type personalities.

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