#ok goodnight/morning bc its 2am

[kinqzaddy]

not me listening to niall's live version of if you ever leave me/everybody wants to rule the world to help me fall asleep like its a damn lullaby

(also really helps that im imagining im snuggled up with niall and we're sleepily singing the song together)

#kinqzaddy #niall horan #im like almost positive he is the reason i will never be happy in a relationship #in my mind world he and i are in an open relationship where he and i basically are kind of platonic but not really bc we kiss and stuff #lmao im fucKING LAME YALL #also im like besties with harry in my mind world and louis is like just there being harry's cute boyfriend yknow #ok goodnight/morning bc its 2am

[thewickerking]

ok im going to sleep i have to do stuff tomorrow (vote) and its 2am here but goodnight or good morning or whenever time ur in but yeah. send me asks about my ocs whenever ill generally have some sort of drawing for them or be down to doodle something bc i ♡ visuals but jm a little sleepyb rn :)

#.ares

[arpiniko]

Yeeeeeeeeee I'm so tired

Its 2am and i just finished cleaning tiding up cooking and frying stuff. Bc tomorrow... Or today my bro's fiancee's parents comes over.... And of my other bro highly allergic cant help with many things. And he doesnt know how to cook so no use. My dad also did a huuuuuuuge amout of work. He cleaned half of the mirrors in house. So like. 3. Yay. And shouts at me for not doing anything. For 3 days i've devoted my time to prepare and clean tje house. I had classes today.... Yesterday. But i decided not to go and stay and help here more.

But ok. They will come. Stay a bit and then leave. Sounds like sunday to rest.

Ooooooo there you have a surprise.

My dad want me to go with him and rest to country side and work here whole sunday. Yay. Fuk my personal life. Fuk my student responsibilities. Fuk my physical capabilities.

Form nicer news i had an appointment with eye doc in the morning. And my sight didnt get worse sunce last year. Good. Few more years before i go bling i guess.

Goodnight~

#personal

[starlightfae]

so on tuesday, i went to my psychiatrist and when he asked me how i was doing, i foolishly thought lying would be bad and told him i was good, but i have not been sleeping at night and last “night” i went to bed at 6am so i was very tired at the moment

he immediately was like “stop taking the vyvanse. it’s not working, so just stop it”

i was super shocked like ummmm ok??

he went on to tell me i wasn’t putting in enough effort (it’s true, but bc i’m so Tired™ of trying with no real results, and also because?? i’m not on any ACTUAL antidepressants??) and that the meds could only help me 50% and i had to put in the other 50%

he proceeded to reiterate that i needed to try harder, on my own now, to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. on my own. without the meds that were assisting me in having energy throughout the day. because everyone knows, if a medication isn’t 100% effective, you just fucking rip it away and say “DO IT YOURSELF NOW”, obviously!

and then he told me to come back in three weeks and that “i’m counting on you” and “i hope we’ll see positive results” NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?????

he also made the stereotypical “we don’t want you to be dependent on medication” comment when?? my brain is fucking broken, dude, i HAVE to depend on medication or i won’t fucking get anywhere! i already depend on it!

it feels so much like i’m being punished for not giving him the results he wants. like i’m not trying hard enough, so i don’t deserve the medication that gives me energy.

i was so blindsided i didn’t get to tell him any of this, i only voiced my worry about there not being an infinite number of meds in the world to try, and the more meds i fail on, the less meds there are to try, but that’s when i got the “depending on meds” comment, so he didn’t even listen to my genuine concern.

and then i realized its even worse than i thought, since the vyvanse was the only motivation for getting up early AND the only motivation for eating actual food, bc i needed to take my vyvanse early in the day and i couldn’t take it without food. now? i don’t have any reason to wake up early or eat.

i got up early and ate today, but then i went back to bed and slept until 3pm. i didn’t do any chores, and now it’s almost 2am and i’m still awake. great first day, right?

i just know these three weeks are going to be terrible, and i’m going to go in and have to look him in the eyes and tell him i fucking failed, and he’s going to be disappointed, and i already have been extremely suicidal lately so the only thing keeping me alive is the guilt that my family would be sad if i killed myself.

that’s literally it. i don’t kill myself because it would make my family sad. i’m not even living, i’m just existing, existing only for them and burdening them while i do bc i can’t DO anything i’m just taking up space and food and money idk why i’m even here, there’s no future for me there’s just more of this terrible shit

TLDR: my psychiatrist took my vyvanse away and expects me to get better results without ANY meds, i still want to kill myself but can’t, and my life is hopeless and meaningless.

goodnight

#negative tw #suicide tw #i guess #long post #as always #cfs stands for 'constantly fucking sleepy'