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tisfan · 5 years

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Title: Gotta Fly before You Can Run Square: Tony Stark Bingo K3 – Anthropomorfic Bucky Barnes Bingo - C5 Bucky Bear Warning: animal shifters, social commentary, save the planet Pairing: Tony/Bucky Summary: Today is the day everyone finds out what animal they’ll be able to shift into for the rest of their lives. Tony is sure he’s going to be a dung beetle. Word Count: 2216 To: @monobuu and @rebelmeg Art by Monobuu For: @tonystarkbingo and @buckybarnesbingoLink: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20124472

The Choosing ceremony was, like many ceremonies, Very Serious, solemn, and Important. Which meant long, boring, and ostentatious.

Tony looked around at all the initiates. Most of them were not paying attention to the Speaker for the Animals, either. They were chatting with their friends, or placing wagers, or worriedly pacing around the amphitheater. Some were near the walls, talking with family members who were leaning over the edge to give an encouraging hand (or snack) to a prospective child.

If nothing else, after the Ceremony, Tony was rarely -- if ever -- going to have to deal with his father again. Unless he turned out, also, to be a weasel.

“If I turn out to be a weasel, I am going to go pick a fight with Loki,” Tony said to his group of friends. All, you know, three of them. Loki had been one of their classmates, until his Choosing came early, in the form of a bright, emerald green snake. Very poisonous.

“Pretty sure that’s a mongoose and not a weasel, Tony,” Pepper said, smoothing out her skirt. “You’re not a weasel.”

“I could be,” Tony said. “Howard’s a weasel.”

(more under the cut)

“Kids only got like a twenty-five percent chance of takin’ after a parent, if that high. And you don’t act like Howard,” Bucky Barnes said, reasonably. “You’ve got just as much chance of being a dove, like your ma.”

Tony was pretty sure the peaceful, contented, beautiful dove wasn’t going to suit him; not at all. He was not the sit around and coo after someone else’s achievements type.

Tony loved his mother; he didn’t want to be his mother. Being a dove might almost be worse than taking after Howard. Honestly, it was a wonder Howard hadn’t eaten his mom in one of those cross-breed mating goes wrong stories that always came up on the news.

“Easy for you to be relaxed,” Tony said. “You’ve got like a four hundred percent chance of being a bear.”

Bucky leaned back in the grass and looked up in the sky. “Barnes’ have been bears since there were Barnes’ and bears. Which doesn’t mean anything. I got a cousin who’s a horse. The Avatars make their own choices.”

“What if I’m something tiny and stupid, like a field mouse, or… or… or a shrew?” Tony worried. “You can’t be boyfriends with me if I’m a shrew, you could eat me for lunch.”

“If I’m a bear,” Bucky said. “Besides, if I was a bear, and you were a shrew, you’d be a lot too small to be lunch. You could pull thorns out of my paw or something.”

“That’s just a bunch of speciest garbage anyway,” Pepper said. “My parents are a cat and a bluebird and Mom has never, ever even threatened to eat Dad, even when his bluebird of happiness routine was getting on everyone’s nerves.”

“Somehow, I always thought your mom was the bird,” Rhodey said. “Don’t worry, Tones, you’re gonna be something amazing. Like a moose.”

“Ha ha, I’m not even Canadian,” Tony said. “What do you think you’re gonna be?”

“I am going to be a skunk, and then none of you motherfuckers are gonna mess with me, like ever again,” Rhodey said.

“Skunks are cute,” Pepper said. “Well, they are--” she defended when Rhodey and Bucky and Tony all burst into laughter.

“What do you want to be, Tony?” Bucky asked him.

“That’s the romantic garbage,” Tony said. “The idea that you can pick your animal. The Avatars choose, we don’t get a say in it.”

Like everything else in his life; Tony didn’t know why he continued to rail about it being unfair. With the general state of unfairness he’d thus far experienced, he didn’t know why one more unfair thing was such a shock.

“Yeah, but that’s not what I asked you. I asked you what you wanted to be,” Bucky said. “You can tell a lot about a person by what Avatar they think would suit them.”

“I dunno,” Tony said. “I’ve been so busy thinking about what I don’t want. Knowing me, I’ll probably be something little and useless and weird. Like, I dunno, a marmoset.”

“Why are you so worried about being little? It’s not like you have to spend your whole life in your animal form or nothin’.”

“Look at you,” Tony said, waving at Bucky… well, everything. “You’re huge. Your Avatar’s gonna be huge, and I’m going to be some rinky dink little critter and…”

“I will still want you to be my boyfriend if you end up being a dung beetle.”

“Is that possible?” Tony wondered. “-- does anyone actually become a bug?”

“Janet Van Dyne is a wasp,” Pepper said.

“Great. I’m gonna be a dung beetle,” Tony said, mournfully.

“And I’ve already said I will still want to date you,” Bucky pointed out. “Besides, if you’re a dung beetle, Howard won’t want you in the house at all. You’ll be free of him, at least. And, dung beetles are great astronomers. Like, all the great ones were beetles.”

“You’re making that up,” Tony said.

“Am not. It’s like most of the astronauts in the US are all from Ohio. It’s a statistic. Don’t you read the pamphlets we get for this shit?” Bucky asked.

“No?” Like, how was that even a question? It was like reading the assignments for your body and you in middle school. Tony already knew what a boner was, and to be smart and wrap it up before sticking it in someone, so what was 5th grade life sciences going to teach him? Turned out, nothing and all wrong anyway, so there was that.

“You think they’ll make us line up alphabetical order?” Pepper asked, suddenly. “I don’t want to. I want to stay with you guys until the very last minute.”

“Nah, we just line up,” Rhodey said. “Carol told me. She went last year.”

“They’re finally done talking,” Bucky said. “Come on, stand up. I want to get this over with. I hear the party after is amazing. We’ll all be actual adults and stuff.”

“An adult dung beetle,” Tony said. “Sure, why not? Should be fun.”

Bucky let Pepper and Rhodey pull ahead. “Nothing is gonna change how I feel about you, doll,” he said, seriously. “I don’t even care. We could be cats and dogs, living together, the end of the world, and I’d still want to spend it with you.”

“Even if I’m something revolting?”

“You won’t be anything revolting,” Bucky said, “because you’re going to be you, no matter what animal you are. None of the Avatars are revolting.”

“Howard is revolting,” Tony said.

“That’s because he’s Howard, not because he’s a weasel. He could be a damn golden eagle and he’d still be a shit human being,” Bucky said.

“What about a spider?” Tony demanded. “I hate spiders. I could end up being a spider and I’d literally freak myself out, like constantly.”

“Tony, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Promise?” Like Bucky could ever promise such a thing.

“I promise.”

"Stark, Anthony Edward," someone said, checking him off the list of this year's kids. Handed Tony another pamphlet. Your avatar and you: your new responsibilities as the representative of your animal.

They'd almost destroyed the planet and everyone in it when the first Choosing happened. One in every hundred or so people became psychically linked to a dying species, able to transform at will, able to communicate with the animals that were dying.

When the president of the United States became a god damn polar bear on national television, people started getting serious about saving them.

"I hope I don't become a cow," Tony said to the official. "I'm not ready to give up eating meat."

"Go down that hall and pick an open door," the official said.

"Any door? What if it's the wrong one?"

"Name?" The guy moved on to the next person in line. Well maybe if Tony picked the wrong door, he wouldn't get an Avatar at all. Were there any people left who were rejected by the entire animal kingdom? Trust Tony to be a pioneer in the field of screwing up, yet again.

Tony passed the first open door, because obviously the first one was the wrong choice, no matter what the deciding factor actually was. Couldn’t be too eager. He walked down the hallway, and he couldn’t see anyone and he couldn’t hear anyone else, and some of the doors were open and some were closed, and really, this building was not so large, he should have come to the end of the hall, eventually.

He looked back, but all he could see was empty hallway.

“This is some sort of test,” he decided. Psychics. God.

Avatars.

Tony ran for a while, thinking he could possibly outrun the test; scientific method. Discard the easy solutions first.

That didn’t work.

Tony knelt down near the wall, peering at it. “It’s curved. It’s an illusion, this hallway is a giant circle!”

Why?

“Come and talk to me about it, Master Anthony,” a familiar voice said, and Tony found himself headed for a door without even thinking. Jarvis, oh, god, he’d missed Jarvis, so much, these last few years.

He stopped at the edge of the door. “No, this is a trap, this is a test.”

“This is a familiar form,” the not-Jarvis said from the middle of the room, and he didn’t look much like the white-haired old butler that Tony knew, but a young man in his prime. The man Howard Stark saved on a battlefield during the War. “And one that you know, to talk about-- all this. Someone you trust.”

“I certainly don’t trust you, if you’re taking on that form.”

“Would you prefer another, darling?” And that was his mother.

“Not really, no,” Tony said. “What’s with the tricks, the pretending. I thought you just made your choice.”

“You’re difficult,” and that was Howard. Tony’s hands balled up into fists at his sides. “So clever. So capable. You’re one… one who could change the world.”

“Yeah, I get that all the time, since I was four, not living up to my potential, right,” Tony said.

“We know how to nurture your potential. All you have to do is say yes,” another voice said. He didn’t know that one, and he turned to look.

“Oh.”

She smiled at him, in a way that he would never have thought a smile could happen, a sense of a smile, and not a mere upturn of lips that anyone could fake. A real smile. A pure…

“Yes.”

It was strange, how many of his friends Tony recognized, even in their Avatar forms. There was Clint as a scruffy yellow dog, and Steve as a huge bald eagle. Sam was another bird, this one a falcon.

“Tony!” A fluffy ball of red fur barreled over to him. “You were gone for, like, ever in there, what happened?”

Tony turned and ruffled his feathers a little.

The red panda -- Bucky, quite obviously -- startled backward, arms and legs flailing as he gasped in shock. He rolled around awkwardly on the ground for a moment, before getting up onto hind feet to shriek at Tony.

“Oh, god, stop being so dramatic, I didn’t scare you.” Tony tipped his head to inspect a shiny bit of metal on the ground.

“You’re a--”

“Attempted murder,” Rhodey said. “Murder of one?”

“Raven,” Tony said. “Ha, ha. What happened to skunk?”

“Hey, male platypuses have damn poison sacks in their dew claw. I’m not complaining,” Rhodey said.

“You look like a duck got together with a ferret,” Tony said.

“Don’t make me hurt you, bird-brain,” Rhodey threatened.

“Oh, would you two stop, you know you love each other, best friends forever, right?” Pepper fussed at them.

“Wow, okay, wow, you are a very big lady cat,” Rhodey said, staring up at the lioness.

“I don’t love him, are you kidding?” Tony said, shaking his tailfeathers a little. “I love Bucky.”

“Look at me,” Bucky said, running around in a little circle, showing off long black legs, a cute little mask and a puffy tail. “Also, I’m arboreal, which means we won’t have much problems with living, because you’re a bird, and you live in trees, and I’m a tree climber--”

“Also, terrified of falling, I remember reading that somewhere,” Rhodey said. “Which seems a bit dumb for a species that lives in the trees, but you do you, fuzzbutt.”

“Of course my butt is fuzzy, I’m a panda. Which is not a bear, but don’t tell my sister that, I’ll never live it down.”

“You are not exactly lacking in the butt fuzz either, here, weirdo,” Tony said. “In fact, I am the only one of the group who does not have a fuzzy butt.”

“Also, you can fly, that’s totally cool,” Bucky said. “Go one, take a lap.”

“Sometimes you gotta fly before you can run,” Tony said.

“That does not make any sense,” Pepper protested, but Tony launched himself into the air, stretching muscles he didn’t even know he had. He made a circle around the room and then landed on Bucky’s head.

“I can fly!”

“You certainly can,” Bucky said, reaching up one soft-seeming paw to pat him gently. “You can fly.”

#tonystarkbingo2019 #buckybarnesbingo2019 #Tony Stark X Bucky Barnes #animal shifters

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fakesurprise · 5 years

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One Jaysome Day: 2 am

Two am: Officer Deltoro

(1 am is here)

‘Witches aren’t scary,’ had been all the advice Maureen had given me when I’d been assigned to the night crew. Anyone else might have called that useless advice from dispatch. But the staff sergeant actually liked me, and had given me a pack of battered and classified stuff to read six hours ago. Some of it was hearsay. Some wasn’t. A lot of it was stapled together and rewritten. It had taken time to read; I’d made the time.

There are Things in the world that no one has names for. Entities, forces. Some wear human skin. A few are probably the sources of those crap novels my brother always reads. Not that I can tell him about any of it. Not that he’d want me to: the point of fantasy is that it isn’t real.

To serve and protect means we serve Them as well, if creatures ask for it. And to protect means we protect people from Them. If we have to. I’m not about to pretend I understand how, if some of the reports are true.

Not that we’re alone. A lot of entities abide by laws of one kind or another. Sometimes they might even help us. Sometimes that even helps.

Tonight has been quiet. Drunks at one bar, a couple of tickets for speeding, more for distracted driving. I had almost forgot the files in the way you learn to set things aside when a voice spoke up behind me.

“Hi!”

I turn. No boy should be out of their own at two am. He has on bright yellow rain boots, black and white skirt and a rather normal grey t-shirt. And he is eleven, which I simply know.

Then he grins, and the grin is pure joy and innocence and a dozen things I have no words for. I feel tears welling up at the sheer poetry of it, but don’t dare let them spill. I don’t think he would understand.

Because he was in the packet the sergeant gave me. The newest section, which I thought had to be a joke.

“My name is Officer Deltoro. How can I be of assistance?” I say by rote.

“Well! I totally found an adventure that doesn’t want to happen and – oh! I’m Jay! I almost forgot to say that, but I think that’s because you know since lots of people have heard of jaysome!”

“I – yes?” I say. SCP is how you were to deal with Jay. Sensitive Critical Policing.

“Well, an adventure not wanting to happen is totally not jaysome you know!”

And I do, the same way I know he’s eleven and jaysome. A small part of me notices this is the same instinct that notices something off about a person, the kind that leads to a more probing investigation and commendations when it goes right.

I shove the thought aside. I have no idea if Jay can read minds. I suspect he doesn’t need to.

He grabs my hand, and we are halfway across the city outside a junkyard the city had closed down two years ago.

Jay points inside. “The rust people want to not have an adventure.”

I walk toward the door, with Jay bouncing along beside me. It opens. The place is condemned, closed down and shuttered three years ago but the gate opens and a path forms between piles of garbage as I play my flashlight about.

“....”

I think my silence says things, because Jay says: “Oh, that’s totally you since being police is important and people make room for police lights.”

I don’t say that my flashlight isn’t a siren. I just walk, and watch all the ruins and crumpled bits of vehicles move almost soundlessly away from me. There are rats in the junkyard, and probably other things as well. I don’t see any of them. No stray cats, no stray dogs. Just the light, ruined vehicles and then the small shed that used to be the office. The shed at least doesn’t move away, but it gives me pause.

I turn around, my hand over the light so nothing would move from it and study a few vehicles. There is no rust on any of them at all.

I take a deep breath and turn back, rap on the door to the shed with my flashlight. “Police. Open up.”

The door opens, despite a cacophony of squealing hinges like rusty Tin Men trying to do the tango at a costume ball.

Inside there aren’t people. There are are vehicle parts, and some are shaped like people. Some thing made solely of alternators, another of windshield wipers. All somehow come together to form creatures. What used to be a work table remains, and it has faint traces of rust on it. As I watch, a thin junk-critter made from tire tubes and windshield wipers snorts up an entire line of rust.

This explains the lack of rusk in the junk yard. I actually think that, almost rationally, then realize I have no idea how they are snorting it. Or why. Or to what end.

“Did the other cars give you permission to take their rust?” I ask.

The entities stare at each other, then at Jay.

“I think so?” Jay says. “It’s pretty complexicated though. They claim to be high but they’re only on the ground so I am pretty confusled!”

Sensitive. I consider several options. “I think their adventure is removing rust, so they’re rather busy at that.”

“I could bring them a lot more rust,” Jay offers.

Critical. “I think they’re fine getting it themselves.” I lower my voice. I have no idea what these junk-creatures are. I don’t even know if they have ears, let along know human languages. “Otherwise they might have too much and sometimes too much of some things is a bad thing.”

“Oh! Like pet snuffaluffazillas! Charlie said even one of those was too much.”

Policing. “I think they’ll just stay in here and bother no one,” I say, and the door to the shed is closed tight against us. We leave the junk yard, and it looks like we were never there at all.

“So, I guess that was an adventure even if it wasn’t?” Jay says.

“I believe so.” “Okay! Bye, Jada!”

And he vanishes. Leaving me half a city away from my patrol car. Or did, until it is simply there beside me in the street. Only it wasn’t pink before.

I make it back to the station after an attempt to get the pink removed at a body shop we’ve been meaning to close down. Nothing works, but the beam from my flashlight does get vehicles to move out of my way. I keep it turned off, go into the station and report to Staff.

He listens, nods a few times. “You did well, Jada. And got off easier than most. Try not to, ah, use the flashlight too often. We can’t do much about the patrol car, especially not with budgets being as they are.”

“How am I going to explain this.”

“Put jaysome on the report. Anyone who needs to know will understand.”

“That – seems like a worrying precedent?”

He smiles. “Try claiming something was jaysome when it wasn’t, Officer Deltoro.”

“It’s happened before?”

“Out east. Once. Hard to explain to the family how someone got eaten alive by angry paperwork.”

I nod, thank him and head to my desk and do up the report.

There is no feedback at all, but I do get a pay bump.

On the condition I never try and find out what kind of siren my flashlight likely has inside it.

#writing #prose #magician series #one jaysome day

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andrewmoocow · 6 years

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Clod on the Run chapter 1: Mrs. Blue Di (originally posted on May 5, 2017)

“So you have some kind of history with these rocks?”

A group of five individuals were being escorted through a hallway by two hulking purple females. The first of these was a human man dressed like he's a space cowboy. This was Peter Quill aka Star-Lord. Along with him was a green-skinned woman named Gamora, the most dangerous woman in the galaxy, another male who's body was covered in tattoos called Drax the Destroyer, the raccoon-like mercenary Rocket and his giant tree accomplice Groot. Together, they formed the Guardians of the Galaxy. Their spaceship the Milano had crash-landed on a space station when they were found by the guards.

“Well you see,” Rocket said sweating. “The Collector wanted me to find a couple of Rose Quartz gems for his museum so I took some from this spaceport which these people call a human zoo.”

Drax, not understanding some things as always, was confused. “Didn't Peter say that zoos are where humans look at animals, not BE animals?” he asked. “No no no Drax, yeh got it all along.” The furry bounty hunter corrected. “This zoo is where humans are kept to 'preserve the legacy of Earth' or some krutacking garbage like that.”

As the five were led to a door guarded by a blue woman wearing white boots and her hair in buns, Groot looked over his buddy. “I am Groot?” he asked. “What, I'm not sweating in fear guys!” Rocket claimed, trying to lie about the situation. “It's just that these Gems were after my furry little head and want nothing more than the extermination of all organic life forms!” The furball got more sweaty as he fell to the floor. “Groot's right Rocket, you seem pretty afraid of them.” Gamora said, kneeling down to Rocket's eye level. “I am Groot.” the tree agreed.

“Hey guys, is it me or does Smurfette here look like that lady from The Music Man?” Star-Lord asked pointing to the guard. “Let me see, what was her name again?” he started wondering to himself, pacing around in a circle. The guard started getting tired of the man's talking. “Oh I know now, Marian the Librarian!” he finally realized but just then, he was grabbed by the two purple giants. “I've had enough of this one. Amethysts, take him to the human zoo!” the blue Gem finally said. “Yes Holly Blue Agate!” the Amethysts replied saluting her.

“Hold it right there Holly!” Rocket stated, getting up and dusting himself off. “The human's with us.” The Amethysts put Peter down as Holly Blue Agate glared at Rocket. “Oh goody, you again.” she grumbled. “Right this way now.” As she took over leading the Guardians, she turned towards the Amethysts and said “Now get back to your post.”

The Guardians were led into a large pink room by Holly Blue Agate filled with Rose Quartz gems in bubbles. At the center of the room was a large blue figure with white hair and a blue cloak examining the bubbles. By the giant's side was a petite lass with a pointy nose and blue hair covering her eye. “Who's the titan there?” Drax asked pointing to the giant woman “That's Blue Diamond, pretty much the only one of these weirdos that I can respect because she doesn't want me dead.” Rocket answered. “And the little one is her Pearl.” he added.

“My Diamond, we have visitors.” Holly Blue Agate addressed her superior. “Including that mangy cur.” Rocket was angered by her snide comment and pointed a blaster at her. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” Just as he was about to shoot, Blue Diamond stopped him. “Please put your weapon down Rocket.” she quietly ordered. The raccoon could only groan as he put it away.

“So, you must be Blue Diamond.” Peter said trying to look tough. “Yes, and you are human?” she asked. “My name,” the human replied. “Is Star-Lord.” Complete silence filled the room before Blue Pearl broke it. “Who?”

Star-Lord got exasperated about how there are still people who don't know his name. “Star-Lord man! Legendary outlaw, leader of a lovable group of misfits?” He face-palmed as another figure entered the room. She looked a lot like Blue Diamond, except she was yellow, had more angular eyes and hair points. Like her fellow diamond, she also had a Pearl.

“I see that dreadful Rocket and his guardians have come to visit.” The yellow one said with a bit of a sarcastic tone in her voice. “Aw come on, I'm the leader here!” Star-Lord shouted. “And it seems the human zoo forgot one.” her Pearl added with a smug grin. “That one is Yellow Diamond, pretty much the second in command of the Great Diamond Authority.” Rocket said to Gamora pointing to Yellow Diamond.

“So if there are three Diamonds leading the Gems and the symbol has four, what happened to the fourth one?” The green warrior asked. “It's a long story, but let's say she's the reason all these bubbles are here.”

“So anyway,” Yellow Diamond began as she set her Pearl down. “We've heard that you've been offering your services for good prices lately.” Rocket's ears began to perk up. “Why yes we have!” he said excitedly. If there's anything Rocket loved as much as Groot, weapons and flying, it was money. “So what'll it be?” Peter asked. “Search and rescue, protect something precious to your people?” Rocket started to rub his hands greedily as Groot put on a worried expression.

“How about capture?” Yellow Diamond said. “Who would you want us to capture?” Drax asked. “Pearl,” Yellow Diamond ordered. “Bring up the wanted list.”

“Yes my Diamond.” Yellow Pearl immediately obliged as she brought up a hologram of various wanted criminals and started scrolling through them. Among them were a human-like Gem about Drax's height with thick pink hair & a white dress with a star-shaped hole exposing her gem, a smaller Gem with green skin, triangular hair & a green gem on her forehead and an angry Rocket with his middle finger censored.

“Ah, that's the one.” Yellow Pearl finally said. She picked out the second poster and handed it to Rocket. “Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut 5XG.” he read aloud. “Why do you want us to capture this one” Drax asked looking over the critter's shoulder. “It is too small and innocent to be a threat.”

“Why it's simple really.” Yellow Diamond said, getting angrier as she spoke. “She flat out betrayed me, refused to give me information on the Cluster AND CALLED ME A CLOD!!!” All the Guardians quivered in fear of the yellow giant until her blue comrade was able to calm her down.”Temper Yellow, temper.” she said as she put her hands on her sister's shoulders. Yellow was able to calm down before turning to the Guardians. “So how many units are we talkin' here?” Rocket asked handing the hologram back to Yellow Pearl. “1,969, 2,008?”

“How about 5,000?” Yellow Diamond said. Rocket was immediately awestruck by the price. “It's a deal!” he exclaimed. “C'mon gang, we gotta midget to catch!” As he marched towards the door, he noticed someone was missing. “Hey anyone seen Quill?” The other Guardians pointed towards their leader dancing to music on his Walkman with Blue Pearl watching.

“So what did you say this music was called?” The Gem asked. “It's called I Want You Back by the Jackson 5.” Peter answered. “Want a listen?” Just then, Rocket started tugging his leg like a little child. “C'mon Pete, we got a midget to catch. The raccoon said. “Well looks like we gotta go.” Peter said to Blue Pearl as he turned towards the two Diamonds. “Thanks for having us over girls!”

“Likewise human.” Yellow Diamond groaned. “And by the way, you'll find your vessel repaired.” Holly Blue Agate began to lead the Guardians back to the port when Star-Lord turned towards Blue Pearl and said “Call me.”

“Alright gang. Riches beyond our wildest dreams here we come!” Rocket shouted as they boarded the Milano. As estatic as he was, the rest of the team were a bit unsure. “I don't know Rocket.” Gamora said. “You told us about how the Diamonds can make enemies rather quickly and it clearly shows when Yellow Diamond got angry talking about that Peridot.” Groot agreed with her. “I am Groot.”

“So what if we might die if we fail? At least we're still going on another crazy adventure!” Rocket exclaimed. “Okay, I've been looking through the information Holly Blue Agate gave us and it said our target is currently on Earth.” Star-Lord stated. “A new job where we go back to my old stomping grounds? Neat!”

“Since when was stomping on the ground involved?” Drax asked. “It's a way of saying familiar territory Drax.” the human corrected. “Now then, Earth here we come!” And so, the Guardians blasted off towards Earth where their reward would be waiting.

#guardians of the galaxy #steven universe #fanfiction #crossover #clod on the run #star-lord #gamora #drax the destroyer #rocket raccoon #groot #yellow diamond #blue diamond #yellow pearl #blue pearl #holly blue agate

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wiedzmina-blog · 7 years

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Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies!

I wrote this 17 years ago. Is the story worth rewriting?

Part One The Gate-room, SGC

"Oh, now you've done it! I can't believe you just zatted Senator Kinsey!" Jack quickly hid the zat-gun behind his back, "Hey, I didn't mean to! How was I supposed to know he'd walk through the door just then... besides, he deserved it! And he probably won't know what hit him anyway." Sam was kneeling next to the unconscious man lying on his back on the Gate-room floor, not very gently slapping his face. "Sir, can you hear me?"

There was no reply and she got up and pointed at her CO. "Well, playing around like that with a zat-gun is like begging for trouble! Geez, Jack. He'll have us deported to P4S-839, or some equally disgusting place, the minute he wakes up!" "How about I just hit him again - twice?" "Jack!" "Alright, alright - but it WAS an accident!" She shook her head. "Are you going to call the infirmary, or should I?" He walked over to the phone on the wall, put the weapon in one of his numerous pockets and dialed the infirmary. The man on the floor stirred and groaned, and Sam kneeled down beside him again. "Are you all right, Sir?" "Major Carter? What the Hell just happened?" The senator rolled over and tried to sit up, but ended up flat on his stomach instead. "Ouch." "I'm afraid you were ahem... um... hit by the electrical charge of one Goa'uld weapon called a zat'nik'tel, Sir. You should feel better in a few moments." "Someone from the infirmary should be here any second now," Jack shot in. Kinsey stared grimly at the colonel. "This was your doing, no doubt... It's exactly what I'd expect from you." Jack took a step back and put his hands up in front of him, as to protect himself from the wrath of his victim. "It was an accident, Senator. I swear!" The doors opened and Dr. Fraiser came through, followed by two men carrying a stretcher. She studied the scene in front of her for a couple of seconds before turning her attention to Kinsey, who finally managed to get up on his feet. Not very gracefully, but at least he was vertical. She raised one eyebrow, and for a second she reminded Jack of Teal'c. "What happened here, Colonel?" --- Ten minutes later, in Gen. Hammond's office "You did what?!?" The general stood up so quickly his chair rolled back three feet before it hit the wall and bounced back. "I kinda zatted Senator Kinsey... It WAS an accident!" Jack was standing in front of the general's desk, hoping that talking to his CO before Kinsey got to him would, at least to some degree, serve as damage control. "You zatted Senator Kinsey..." Hammond echoed, then his eyes widened and he asked, terror in his voice, "...how many times?" Jack cringed, "Oh, just once. He'll be just fine. He's in the infirmary now with Dr. Fraiser and Carter, no doubt planning my court-martial to the last detail." "Then I suggest you get back there and do some serious groveling before he decides to send your ass to P4S-839" with no GDO. Or before I send you there myself." "Yes, Sir." Jack grimaced and bolted for the door. "Colonel..." Jack stopped half way through the room. "Dang it!" he thought, "I almost made it." He turned around slowly. "Yes, Sir...?" "On second thought I'll come with you, Colonel. I have a few ideas I'd like to share with the senator." --- Part two The SGC infirmary Dr. Fraiser had just explained, very patiently, for the n'th time, to the still stunned, and extremely noisy senator, that he would recover completely from the shock, and that she had never heard of anyone dying from a single blast. She was about ready to give him a mild sedative just to shut him up (or perhaps a not so mild laxative to get rid of him instead - ah, decisions, decisions...), when O'Neill and Hammond entered the room. The look on Hammond's face was quite easy to decipher, and Jack looked like he'd been lead by his ear from the general's office. "Poor Jack," she thought. "Why didn't he just zat the guy a couple more times... I'd have been home with Cassandra by now!" She sighed and began walking towards them, "General, Colonel... I take it you're here to see the senator?" "How is he?" The general's expression changed from annoyed to concerned. "Oh, he's fine. There"s nothing wrong with him... physically." she threw a fierce glance in the direction of her only patient. Then she smiled, "In fact, I was just about to release him." "Thank you, Dr. Fraiser." Hammond nodded, his relief obvious. Then he turned to Jack; "Well, Colonel?" Jack raised his hands, "I know" "Get groveling". Don't worry, I'll grovel, I'll beg, I'll even kiss and make up if that's what he wants." The Doc raised her eyebrow again and Jack had another vision of Teal'c. "Sweet. If I didn't know better I'd say it was contagious." He walked across the room, pulled up a chair, and sat down next to the senator, who was none too happy to see him... "Senator." "Colonel." "Listen, it really WAS an accident! I had no idea you were entering through that door, and I really didn't mean for the zat to go off..." The senator waved him off, "Of course you didn't. Don't worry about it. Accidents do happen, and according to the good doctor, I"ll be just fine." The speech was followed by a broad smile that made Kinsey's dentures slip. With a smacking sound he sucked them back in place. Jack just sat there staring at him, mouth still open. He slowly raised one eyebrow, Teal'c style. He felt a sudden urge to ask the senator who he was and what he'd done with Kinsey, but managed to close his mouth before the words came out. He cleared his throat. "Are you sure about this, Sir?" "Absolutely. Like I said, don't worry about it." "Well, thank you, Sir." Jack couldn't have been more surprised if Sam had jumped up from the nearest bedpan, wearing something out of Anise's closet and doing the Snoopy-dance on the senator's bed. "I suppose you need to rest. I'll leave you alone now... and again, I apologize..." He got up, put the chair back where he found it and returned to where Hammond and Dr. Fraiser were waiting. The general prompted him, "How did it go, Colonel?" "Oh, I apologized, he accepted. No problem, General." Hammond stared blankly at the colonel, before slowly raising one eyebrow. "Oh my God. It IS spreading!" Jack thought. "I better talk to the senator myself!" Hammond said and started walking towards the bed where Kinsey now had turned his back to them. They could hear a soft snoring sound. "Um... He's resting, Sir." The general turned to Janet. "Can you keep him here till morning? I'd really like to talk to him before he leaves." "Yes, Sir. My shift was over two hours ago, but I'll let the night nurse know you want to see the patient before he's released." "Thank you, Doctor." Hammond turned around and left the infirmary. Jack followed two steps behind, still wondering about the personality change the senator seemed to have undergone since their last encounter. "Perhaps Janet slipped and screwed up his medication? Or maybe the zat could have affected the metal plate in his head?" He shook his head. At least he didn't end up with a one-way ticket to the universe's largest garbage dump... --- Twenty minutes later Dr. Fraiser had left the night nurse in charge of the infirmary, and was on her way home. The night nurse was in the linen closet, entertaining the new, cute lieutenant. Jack was in his bunk, on top of the covers, fully dressed and sound asleep. And, Senator Kinsey was in his hospital bed, very much awake, and reading a book by the light of his glowing eyes. --- Part three The next morning, Daniel's office "You must be kidding me!" Daniel laughed. "You zatted Senator Kinsey? Seriously?" He removed his glasses and dried tears of laughter from his eyes. "I don't believe you! If you really had zatted the senator you'd be on P4S-839 now, building your new home out of cardboard boxes and empty cans." his voice trailed off. "Oh my God! How many times did you hit him?" "Just once! He's fine. And that's what I thought too..." Jack nodded. "Listen Daniel, something is wrong. Really wrong. I just can't put my finger on it." "There is a problem?" Teal'c came through the door, grabbed the TV Guide from Daniel's desk and let himself fall into the dusty armchair next to the wooden table thingy that was a gift from one of the kids on Abydos. "Oh no! That termite-ridden thing is still here? Half the base must be infested by those hungry critters by now." Jack rolled his eyes and sighed silently. "Well?" Teal'c tried again. "Well what?" "Is there a problem?" Teal'c repeated. Daniel explained; "Jack zatted senator Kinsey last night." Then he cracked up again. Teal'c raised one eyebrow and stared at Jack. "You fired a zat'nik'tel at the senator? How many times?" "Just once. Why does everyone keep asking me that? And it was an accident!" "Of course, O'Neill. You would never purposely have subjected the senator to such excruciating pain..." In the background Daniel let out another loud burst of laughter. Teal'c continued. "How did this accident happen, O'Neill"" "Carter and I were target practicing in the Gate room..." Daniel stopped laughing and he and Teal'c simultaneously raised their right eyebrows. "Scary!" Jack thought. "I have to talk to Janet about this!" "We were shooting at those dang grasshoppers the two of you brought back from EMT-911 last week, all right!?!" "You use zat-guns for that?" Daniel asked unbelievingly. "Saves us the trouble of sweeping them up afterwards..." Jack explained. "Oh..." "I see..." "Anyway, I guess I got a little too excited, and when the doors suddenly opened and the senator walked in the zat-gun sort of just went off." "Right." "These things are known to happen, O'Neill." Jack wanted to strangle them both and spent a few seconds considering his options. Knowing the chance of escape was too slim for comfort he decided to get his revenge at a later time. "Seriously. I'm not kidding, guys! Something is terribly wrong here." He continued to explain what had happened in the infirmary. Daniel finally quit laughing and sat down behind his desk. "You're right, Jack. It's not like Kinsey to forgive someone for something like that. Especially not you." Jack leaned against the wall and let himself slide down until he was sitting on his heels. He closed his eyes and let his head back against the wall. "I know." His eyes opened again and he looked at his friends. "At first I thought it was the shock, but we've never seen that happen before. And then I thought perhaps Dr. Fraiser had put him on some weird medication or something... and then I thought he might have been taken over by a Goa'uld, but Carter touched him in the Gate-room, and she didn't sense anything." Teal'c offered dryly; "I stopped by the infirmary before coming here, and if that single patient in the back of the room is the senator, then Samantha Carter wouldn't have sensed it if he'd been taken over by Apophis himself." He explained; "That after-shave he is wearing kills all of ones senses. I could smell it in the hallway long before I reached the infirmary. And the door was closed." Daniel, who had been removing his shoes and socks, dug in his desk drawer and finally came up with a nail clipper... "Where would the senator have encountered a Goa'uld?" Jack and Teal'c watched in silence as Daniel placed one foot on his desk and turned his attention back to his toenails. Soon crescent-shaped nail clippings were flying through the air. Jack swallowed. "Let's finish this conversation later," he said and got up. "I need some fresh air." Teal'c beat him through the door by almost two seconds. --- Part four

The SGC infirmary When Dr. Janet Fraiser arrived at the infirmary later that morning the night nurse appeared to have gone AWOL. Luckily the only patient, the senator, was still asleep and seemed to be in good shape. After checking the linen closet for sleeping beauties, Janet reported her nurse missing and turned on her computer. Soon she was lost in the fantasy world of "Fallout", her new computer game. "Weird," she thought. "That mayor, Killian, reminds me of someone I know, I just can't place him... Oh well, it'll come to me." At the same time SG-1 reported to general Hammond in his office, where they gathered around the conference table. Hammond had spent several sleepless hours wondering why Kinsey had let Jack off the hook so easily, and Jack had little trouble convincing him it would be a good idea to let Sam do a "Goa'uld-check" on the good senator. "I highly doubt the senator could have been taken over by a Goa'uld, Colonel. As far as I know he has never been close enough to one for that to be possible." "I know that, Sir. But since we can't be sure Mayborne never introduced him to one, I still think it would be the wise thing to do. Besides, I'm sure that man has been places and done stuff we don't even want to hear about." Jack suddenly had a vision of Kinsey as the President of the United States, addressing the people from a huge hanging screen, speaking with a Goa'uld voice... He shuddered. "Yeah, like THAT would ever happen! Doh!" "Major Carter?" Hammond looked at Sam who had been unusually quiet. "I agree, Sir. With that amount of Old-Spice after-shave he was wearing when I checked his pulse yesterday I wouldn't have noticed if Apophis himself had moved to a new apartment." "This is the case, General Hammond." Teal'c added. The general nodded. "Well, it can't hurt to make sure. Let's go see Dr. Fraiser." --- Dr. Fraiser had been playing for almost an hour when the senator woke up, got out of bed and went to the bathroom. She saved the game and switched the computer off. Seconds later SG-1 arrived accompanied by General Hammond. Jack immediately noticed the empty bed and asked her where the senator was. Janet frowned. "He's in the bathroom. He just woke up a few minutes ago." She nodded towards the door, and now they recognized the sound of the shower running in there. "Teal'c..." The Jaffa needed no further instructions. He walked across the room and took position just outside the bathroom door. Jack looked at Janet, expecting her to raise one eyebrow, but she raised them both. "What's going on, Colonel?" It was Hammond who answered. "I'm afraid we're not absolutely sure the senator is just the senator, doctor, so we're going to let Major Carter do a check on him. It's really just a precaution, since there really is no way we can think of that he could have come in contact with a Goa'uld." "Unless of course he"s been one from the very beginning..." Daniel muttered to himself. Five minutes later the shower was turned off, and another two minutes after that the senator exited the bathroom. He was drying his hair and did not watch his step. Suddenly he found himself sprawling on the floor after tripping over Teal'c"s staff-weapon. "What on Earth is going on here?" He looked up and discovered Jack. "Oh, it's you... I should have known you'd try your best to have me end up on a stretcher - again." "Are you hurt, Sir?" Janet was trying to help Kinsey stand up, but he brushed her off and completed the task alone. "I'm fine. So, General, what's going on?" Hammond led the senator to his bed. "Oh, it's just a routine check. We want to make sure you haven't been infected by any microscopic aliens during your stay here." Kinsey raised one eyebrow and just stared at Hammond as if he thought the general hade gone nuts. Reaching out for his toiletries he knocked the small bag over, and a silver ball, just a little smaller than a baseball fell out of it and rolled under the bed. "What's that?" Kinsey asked. "It's not yours?" Jack had already identified the ball and was now half way under the bed to get it. All one could see of him was his butt. Sam and Janet simultaneously raised their right eyebrows... "Mmmm... looks like the colonel has been working out." He got hold of the ball, backed out and stood up. "Geez. What's wrong with the major and Doc? They look like they're" drooling!" He shook his head and turned his attention back to Kinsey. "This, Senator..." he held the ball up "...is a Goa'uld cell phone, also known as a long range communication device. What I'd really like to know is why it came rolling out from your toilet-bag?" The senator stared blankly at him. "I've never seen it before!" General Hammond interrupted the staring contest. "Well Senator, I'm afraid you'll have to stay here on base until we get to the bottom of this." then he turned to Sam. "Major. I guess now is a good time to do your thing. Let's find out if the senator is clean." The senator snorted. "I damn well should be. I just got out of the shower." She walked up to them and raised one hand to put it on Kinsey's chest. Before she could get that far his eyes began to glow, he grabbed her around the neck, and the next second she found herself being used as a shield between the unknown Goa'uld and her friends who all seemed to have frozen in their positions. Finally Hammond sounded the alarm and called for security. --- Part five Hammond, Doc. Fraiser and the three male members of SG-1 could only watch as the Goa'uld backed away from the bed, still holding Sam in front of him as a human shield. When he had his back to the wall he picked up a scalpel that had been left on top of a defibrillator, and pressed the razor sharp blade against Sam's throat. "Tau'ri." The Goa'uld spitted. "You think you are so smart. You are nothing but slaves! Kneel before your God!" "For crying out loud!" Jack groaned. "How did I know he was gonna say that" "They always say that." Daniel replied dryly. "So, who are you?" "I am Macarena. Now, kneel before your God!!!" The Earthlings exchanged puzzled glances, and Jack turned around and mimed to Daniel; "Macarena!?!", but Teal'c didn't even raise an eyebrow. "Macarena? I have never heard of a Goa'uld by that name." "You will learn to fear it, shol'va! But, I did go by a different name. I changed it only because of a chant that I have heard many times. One that seems to have become stuck in my head." Now Teal"c raised his eyebrow, but the other people in the room nodded in understanding. Suddenly there was a lot of noise coming from the hall and forty-five soldiers came running into the infirmary, armed to their teeth. They took their positions and aimed their nice and shiny MP-90's at the Goa'uld and his hostage. "Don't shoot!" Jack and Hammond shouted, and waved their hands in the air. "Tau'ri, this is your last chance. I am not saying it again! Kneel before your God or suffer the consequences!" Sam croaked; "Hey, I'll kneel. Just let go of my neck, will you." Jack turned and faced his CO. "You know, General, there is one thing I have learned from our battles with the Goa'uld... When you have the chance to take them out, DO IT! Don't wait, don't try to small talk with them, and don't bother pumping them for information. Just kill them!" Every head in the room turned to look at the colonel. Hammond raised one eyebrow. "May I remind you, Colonel, that this particular Goa'uld is using a member of your team as a shield and is ready to slit her throat..." Jack shrugged. "Oh, that... Yes, I'm aware of that." He met Sam's eyes and now it was her turn to raise an eyebrow. "Damn you, Jack! You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking!" He gave her a glimpse of a smile, then he said, with no detectable sorrow in his voice; "I'm sorry, Carter!" "Oh my God!" Sam closed her eyes. "I'm gonna kill you for this! ...Sir." Suddenly Jack produced a zat-gun from one of his numerous pockets. He aimed it at the Goa'uld and it's hostage, and in the millisecond before he fired he could see Macarena raise one eyebrow in surprise. If he had turned around he would have seen all the other people in the room doing the same thing. He fired the zat-gun and Carter and Macarena fell to the floor. Teal'c quickly pulled Sam away from the Goa'uld as Jack zatted it a second time. You could have heard a falling needle when Hammond walked up to Jack. He cleared his throat. "Nice shooting, son. Now can you please tell me how I will explain this to the President?" "I could zat him again..." Hammond stared at him and Jack swallowed. "Um... I guess that's not an option." They were suddenly interrupted when the bathroom door was opened from the inside. All the forty-five soldiers fell back in position and aimed their weapons at the door. The missing night-nurse cautiously stuck her head out and asked Doc. Fraiser in a thin voice. "Is it safe to come out now?" --- The next day Jack and Sam were back in the Gate-room, trying to get rid of the remaining grasshoppers and all their new children... This time Jack had put a sign on the door. It read: Stay out! That's an order! They had stunned, killed and disintegrated about half a zillion grasshoppers and could now almost identify the color, or lack of color, on the walls. Still there were enough insects in the air around them to make it difficult to see more than a few feet ahead. Sam was just getting ready to pay the colonel back for the brilliant way he had saved her. She pointed the zat-gun, took a deep breath and... Suddenly the doors opened and a human figure appeared, only to get knocked to the floor, surrounded by blue sparks. "Oh no, not again..." "For crying out loud! Doesn't anyone read signs around here?" Sam walked over to the man and bent down. He was lying on his stomach and she rolled him over to see his face. "It's lieutenant-colonel Samuels, Sir." She checked for a pulse. "And he's dead, Sir." "WHAT?" Jack shouted. "No way! I only hit him once." "Well, Sir... um... so did I..." They looked at each other. Jack groaned. "I guess we'd better inform the general." "Inform the general of what?" The door opened again, Hammond stepped through it, and almost stumbled on the dead body. He looked down and recognized the man. "Is he okay?" Sam cleared her throat, "Eh... no, Sir. He's dead." Hammond raised one eyebrow and looked from one to the other. "Geez! I didn't know the general could do that." Sam thought. Jack shrugged again, "Hey, don't look at us! We only zatted him once..." "...Each." Sam finished. Hammond closed his eyes. "I'm too old for this shit!" He held his hand out. "May I have your weapon, major?" Sam handed the zat-gun to the general. "Dang it! I should have known Samuels would be the end of our careers." She was completely unprepared for what happened next. The general pointed the zat-gun at Samuels' lifeless body and fired. --- In the control room Teal'c and Daniel exchanged glances. "Now THAT'S what I call getting rid of the evidence." "Indeed, Daniel Jackson. Indeed." Before they left the room they made sure they had turned all the security cameras back on. The end! --- TITLE: "Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies!" AUTHOR: Faron CATEGORY: Humor/Parody (sort of) SPOILERS: None that I can think of... SEASON / SEQUEL INFO: Season 4. RATING: PG-13 I guess... CONTENT WARNINGS: Minor character deaths. SUMMARY: Jack happens to hit the wrong target while playing around with a zat-gun. STATUS: Complete DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM/UA, Showtime/Viacom, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corp. What isn't theirs is mine. This is a fan publication, made for entertainment purposes only. I make no money of this, and no copyright infringements are intended. AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks to Renay and her sig. for the idea and the title. This is my first completed SG-1 fan-fic in English. Feedback will be greatly appreciated.

#fanfic #stargate #sg-1 #old stuff

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