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thedeliberatewanderer-blog · 7 years

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I’m not quite sure what happened to my first post, but whatever. The very first post of my entire blog for travel isn’t important or anything! >:|

Anyway, I’m in a much better mood than I was in the previous post. I definitely had another depressed slump, but it seems I’ve just been getting those often while I’m here. I need to get better at staying on top of my meds.

I think my issue is I keep wandering from place to place looking for a geographic cure for my problems. And the more I hop from place to place, the more my mother’s words, “wherever you go, there you are,” rings true. I don’t think there will ever truly be a time where I feel inspired to be the person I want to be, or genuinely and excitedly motivated to do things as simple as getting my ass out of bed and into the shower, or a place where I will just magically come into my own. I just need to make those steps, consciously, diligently, and with unwavering dedication each and every day. I’ve never been a creature of routine, so it’ll be tough, but necessary.

Necessary, because I’ve been reading more and more about the Ayurveda lifestyle that comes with the tradition of the vedas I found through Vedic Astrology. It argues that every creature, every organism, even the Earth itself, has a rhythm, routine, or tune that it adheres to. As creatures just as much animal and part of the Earth, it is so very necessary and even integral to our health and well-being as humans to do the same. It’s kind of disappointing I’ve taken until, you know, my twenty-fourth year to come to this surmise, but hey. At your own pace, I guess.

Part of my issues, I know, stems from the plague of being a depressed person. The OCD doesn’t help. It just makes my goals cripple me into paralysis. The thought of moving towards them at all gives way to a fear of them not turning out as perfectly as they appear in my head. Thanks, genetics!

Also, the more I’m here, the more I realize I am absolutely not ready for grad school. Maybe a Master’s, but not my PhD. My experience with Rutgers was a slap in the face at best; that didn’t help. Although I’m excited at the prospect of being able to achieve my life goal of a PhD, I know I am so far behind and still have so much to learn and am at a loss for where to start. But you know. I think that’s okay. I’m gonna spend these next few years taking some entry-level anthropology jobs. At best, they’ll be research analyst positions. At the worst, they’ll be business anthropology jobs. Either way, I’ll get experience. Any experience is good experience, and will probably lead to the boost of confidence needed to delve a little deeper into the intricacies of my study interests for a PhD. In the meantime, my boo and I plan on travelling. To every which country and place we want. We’re young, so we can only really get the fullness of travel experience now. I guess we could when retired, but then again, we won’t be as physically fit to be able to try anything under the sun at the drop of the pin if we wanted to. I guess what I’m trying to say is my initial plan has been falling apart. Not in a bad way, though, but rather, in a way that unfolds into a plan I feel will nurture and foster the true growth and maturity I’ll need to tackle higher education. I’m excited for it! Like, bring it ON, life.

But the plan now, in Jordan, is to not be in school. I talked to my parents, and they said they only really wanted me to be in school because it made them feel as though I was safer. And I totally get that, but it literally sucked all of the time from my day. Considering life stops in Jordan at 3 on weekdays, every shop in town is closed on the weekends, and my classes were 10-3, there was no time left for me to dedicate to volunteering (aka what I came here for in the first place). I was feeling aimless, confused, without purpose, and slowly sank deeper and deeper into depression as I tried my best to plunge myself into studying something I wasn’t even truly passionate about (like, don’t get me wrong, I love Arabic, but fusHa would not help me in future fieldwork endeavors given no one speaks it modernly). Plus, I literally just got out of five, gut-wrenching, brain-frying years of college. I learned a lot and did very well for myself (sidenote: yet I also realize I reeeeally could’ve done a lot, lot more), but I didn’t and don’t intend to go back for at least another five years, especially after the grad school visit that made it painfully obvious that I’m not ready for such a pursuit.

So, being ever so supportive as they tend to be, my ‘rents said so long as I registered myself with some US Embassy or American organizational entity that they would feel more at ease, and I could drop school from the agenda. They said they feel this is a wonderful life opportunity, that I had worked hard to get here, and it would be a waste if I spent the duration of my stay not fulfilling my goals and being completely miserable (agreed, but I’m biased). I guess this also spares them of having to pay for my school. Luckily, I haven’t made it to the registration office to pay for it yet, so I don’t have to go through the potentially long and arduous refund process. Now it’s just my savings I get to rely on, and the occasional pls-halps from my parents, but that freedom is really liberating. It makes me feel one step closer to adulting.

So now, I’m making appointments to look at apartments in Amman and making slow progress on filling out meticulous applications to various NGO’s and gov’t orgs alike. Luckily, there’s a whole smorgasbord of apartments in the centers where all the Embassies and NGO’s are. I think my luck will strike gold much easier there than here. :) At any rate, I can’t stay in this apartment. It’s for university students, and well - I no longer am one! (Hallelujaaaah)

Anyway. I think that’s all for now. Cheers from Jordan. (But not really, because alcohol is stupid expensive here).

Love ~ <3 :)

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