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#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything
opens-up-4-nobody
·
7 months
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol
#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade
#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me
#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set
#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u
#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?
#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control
#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont
#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral
#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive
#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not
#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho
#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly
#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im
#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter
#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by
#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything
#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to
#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i
#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that
#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean
#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said
#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the
#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the
#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage
#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain
#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked
#unrelated
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