#most of my actual writing was a joyful but also slightly desperate attempt to cope at several things going downhill in my life

[senadimell]

On “Writing it anyways”

There’s definitely something to be said for “no matter your skill level, if you’ve got a dream, do it anyways,” because that’s how I managed to write a 70k fix-it fic after not writing fiction on my own since literal 6th grade (that’s 11-12 years of age).

But there’s also something to be said for “help, I’ve got so many ideas and they’re literally beyond my capacity to create because I know from experience the toll required to make them reality—and I cannot afford to pay that toll.”

I’m thinking here about Susanna Clarke after Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell here. I haven’t yet read Piranesi, though I’ve heard it’s brilliant, but I do know it’s not a book of the same scale and scope of Norrell. That’s not an indication of quality, by the way—just saying that it may not ever be possible for Clarke to create another monstrously intricate, brilliant, massively long book like Norrell again due to health limitations. I hope she can, and I’m sure she also hopes she can, but there’s no guarantee. Writing something requires a toll.

On a slightly different but still related note, we joke about how fanfic writers are able to churn out stories through the wildest of circumstances, and that’s certainly true, but for every one of those “sorry for the late update, I just gave birth!” people, I’m willing to bet there are many who produced one or two things and then didn’t keep going. Or, think of the thousands of unfinished stories out there. The thousands of unpublished drafts. The one-hit wonders and the cryptids, the people who publish once every seven years. That 125k unfinished monster story that hasn’t been updated since 2007. I’d argue that the vast majority of fic writers are stopped by car accidents and health crises and family challenges and jobs. Turning to writing to cope is one response, but leaving writing by the wayside is another common response.

I dunno, I keep seeing posts that are about “write it anyways,” and I keep refraining from reblogging them with snarky commentary because I realize I’m not the target audience here. Those are primarily aimed at people intimidated by the incredible amount of skill they see and are afraid to be novices. Or people who think that beginning at something means only doing incredibly tedious beginner projects like what dick-and-jane readers are for kids. You know, not learning to knit at all because you think you have to suffer through making a garter stitch scarf before you can make a sweater. To that target audience, those posts are probably really inspiring! You don’t have to do the boring thing before you graduate into being allowed to write interesting things!

But on the other hand, there is something despair-inducing to realize the amount of work required to produce your dream, especially when you don’t know if you’ll ever have the spoons to be able to create it. So yes, write it anyways. But leave room for grief at what you can picture but not accomplish, and learn to make peace with the beauty you can find and cultivate. That’s how we got Piranesi, by the way.

...What Piranesi is not is the longed-for sequel to JS&MrN. Only months after the publication of her debut, Clarke became ill with what was eventually diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome. “I was doing a lot of travelling and promoting and getting on and off aeroplanes – the sort of thing I’d never done before. And then in the spring of 2005 I collapsed, and that was the beginning of it. It’s hard to remember an illness because it’s just a lot of nothing. It’s very hard to make it into a shape.”

Writing became torturous – “all the projects I’ve tried to work on while I was ill kept flowing down a lot of alleys, that was part of the illness” – and the JS&MrN sequel is still “a long way off” completion. “I think it may be a feature with chronic fatigue that you become incapable of making decisions. I found it impossible to decide between one version of a sentence and another version, but also between having the plot go in this direction and having it go in that direction. Everything became like uncontained bushes, shooting out in all directions. That’s the state that the sequel to Jonathan Strange is in. It’s almost like a forest now.”

An invitation to the set of the miniseries in Yorkshire helped to clear the path. “I was really uncertain about going, I thought it would be too much for me, but I loved it. I’d felt ‘I’m not an author, I’m just this invalid and I have been for years,’ but they treated me as an author and that made me feel it was a possible thing again.”

With “the consciousness of all the years that I hadn’t written and all the projects I hadn’t completed” weighing on her, Clarke decided “to simplify what I was asking of myself”, returning to an old work in progress that was to become Piranesi (“it probably predates JS&MrN”) as a more manageable prospect. “I thought, it doesn’t have hundreds of characters and it won’t require a huge amount of research because I don’t know what research I could do for it.”

Susanna Clarke: ‘I was cut off from the world, bound in one place by illness’

So you might not be able to ‘do the thing anyways.’ You are allowed to grieve at what you can’t see yourself doing. But that doesn’t mean you will not find a more manageable garden to tend to. It is often hard to anticipate any kind of recovery when in the doldrums of sickness or pain, and yet we often do find easier and more enabling ways to live.

#on writing #fanfic #fandom #not to be too gloom-and-doom; i'm not greatly ill or limited in many ways #but i do find myself in a time and place of life where most of my mental resources need to be devoted to writing horrid things #like cover letters #and there's rarely enough left over for creative endeavors of the writing variety #(in a *exhausted; whole week drained; operating at low capacity for days* kind of way) #it takes so much more out of me than mending a sock or knitting something #and i am quite limited in how much mental energy i have left over to spend on things like writing #most of my actual writing was a joyful but also slightly desperate attempt to cope at several things going downhill in my life #until the point where i reached the finish line of the story #which coincidentally coincided with the beginning of a recovery #and i have barely written anything since then #but i'm still here and learning and hopefully have a long future ahead of me in which to learn