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dear-alex-chill · 7 months

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An update

Lately I haven't been active and it's spanned much longer than I intended. I originally thought it was the Team Science Zine sucking up all my energy (that zine was awesome but a beast to make) but I now realize that may have been me trying to convince myself of an untrue reality. I've been exhausted all the time with no time for me. I'm also dealing with more personal issues and being in a period of transition uses a lot of spoons. Hopefully I'll resolve some issues through therapy or other means but it's a lot to balance and I don't necessarily have the resources to take on everything. Unfortunately, art and writing has taken a backseat for the time due to everything going on. It is what it is, I hope to create again one day. However, the end of DAC as an account may be nearing.

I know I've been silent/quiet for months. I know I've not finished anything. I have few WIPs but they're limited in development and not something I want to post. Overall the Dear-Alex-Chill account is fading on all fronts and I'm not sure I want it to revive. I know my stuff rarely shows up in places, in part because of the niche I drew myself into, but also a lack of relevancy in what I produce. I honestly haven't touched digital art in a while, I do miss it. However, I'm exhausted constantly or I'm under the perception I'm too busy to do it, carving time is hard right now. I am considering leaving everything up and just sorta orphaning my account, I would never delete my writing and I don't like the prospect of deleting my art, but actively maintaining a social media like that is taxing and not something I can do right now. DAC might turn into an archive of sorts and when I'm ready I'll start anew entirely with a new name and page. Or maybe I'll come back in a while ready to get going again, I'm not sure.

Some of the lack of desire to revive was a slightly toxic culture. When things blew up around me (not really at me though but like Tumblr? Yk) I felt the need to step back and a part of me just never wanted to return. Moots, I love you guys, you're the reason I stayed so long. But sometimes it's hard to want to engage in a community of people that dislike you and that you generally dislike, it's tiresome. Wacky and Sikyu especially, you guys were awesome to talk to (I'm just mentioning you two specifically because I feel really bad for leaving you guys with no context after months of hyper-dumping hcs and ideas. Anyone I've repeatedly dmed or shared my hcs with and talked to, I do miss you all. Everyone is owed an apology but that's a lot of names to write.) It's hard to stay in a place you don't want to be, especially when you feel you're leaving those close to you, but I think it's of my best interest to step away from DT and TtS/RTA.

To my followers, I'm sorry you haven't gotten what you followed for.

To the anons and haters, cool. Have fun with your lives, I believe in karma but don't act on it, it's not my job to enforce karma, that's the universe's job.

To my mutuals/friends, I haven't forgotten you all and I do think about you. It's just hard to reply or I feel bad reaching out after so much silence. Hopefully I'll be chatty again or return to some normalcy later and I'm sorry I didn't tell any of you earlier.

Overall this just serves as a message/wellness check. I'm still here, I still lurk, but I don't really know if I want to stay active. When I decide to either orphan or revive, I'll let you all know in a new post, but for now here's what's been happening. I love y'all.

See ya later.

(yes this was on insta in slides form, Tumblr hates me uploading more than 3 photos at a time)

#slight vent ish???#idk I'm trying to explain everything without directly venting everything #its prolly not working but thats ok

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avisperocustom · 1 year

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What I did to manifest my SP back:

Hi guys! You seemed interested in how I manifested my SP2, Teddy, back into my life after three years of full no contact, in only two weeks.

So! Teddy and I had a relationship years ago. We had a rather toxic fallout, a lot of fighting, messy word exchanges, horrible. After a while, we both went no contact. I thought of him for years, and well I thought nothing else was going to happen, but then I began thinking of him... positively.

WHAT I DID DURING THAT TIME:

While I began fully manifesting in two weeks, the rest of my time wasn't idle. I worked out, I ate better, I focused on myself in ways that have helped me feel better about myself.

MY SELF CONCEPT WAS KEY! I went to therapy, I got my sunlight in, changed my mindset to be healthier. And while I still spiral at times, my general self concept has improved dramatically.

I thought I'd just never see Teddy again, I even thought he had moved away! At least I had been told so. And so I said, oh well, "Teddy is always going to be my darling. Hope he's doing well."

Two weeks later, I get warned by my other sp, Bunny, that Teddy will be at an event we're going to. But hey, we might not bump into each other it's cool. We not only bump into each other. He runs towards me, greets me and grips me as if I was going to vanish if he didn't. And.. he'd completely changed. His hair was different, he was taller, he had different piercings, more tattoos, dressed completely different. His voice was different, even! A completely different person, who not only smiled more, but was more communicative. At one point during the night, I lose Teddy in the crowd and I thought welp, that's it.

But I knew if there's a will, there's a way. I manifested that he'd want to be in contact with me. I repeated that he'd want to be with me and spend time with me. I visualized us dancing together, us growing together.

I found his phone number, which I thought I had deleted, but suddenly was right there among my things. I texted him, as friends. Months later, after hanging out over and over and finding excuses to see each other, he breaks down, crying, saying that he's fallen right back in love with me and that we should take things slow because he wants to spend his life with me right next to him, and if he can spoil and pamper me as much as he can he will. I'm his angel, I'm his darling, he looks at me and physically lights up a room with how excited he gets. He said he missed me every single day we were apart, and that now he can't imagine me away from his life.

The lesson to take from this? SELF CONCEPT. SELF CONCEPT. SELF!!! CONCEPT!!! It's the most important thing to keep up. Trust yourself, and know that everything is working for you.

If there's a will, there's a way.

Just trust in yourself, trust in your own power. And know you'll be rewarded immensely.

#sp #sp manifestation #law of assumption #loass #neville goddard

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hannahhook7744 · 2 years

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How would you write your version of Descendants?

So glad you asked! I've been sitting on this one for awhile.

The first thing I would do if I was given the chance to rewrite descendants would be to out a little less focus on Mal.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate her. I just think that the writers made a mistake focusing most of the media on her instead of trying to give everyone equal or close to equal screen time and you know why I think that?

Well, think about it. We know about alot of horrible things she did. Before and after leaving the isle. And because they didn't take more time to show her as your average teen with hobbies and friends that she cares about in the later movies, it makes it very easy to dislike her.

Which is hardly fair when you think of it because I'm sure the other vks did alot of bad things too. But do we see Mal's friends doing bad things the level Mal did? No? And why's that? Because they focused too much on Mal and we only really got to see the others doing normal kid stuff, saving the world, or doing the same stuff as Mal.

Which makes her friends look like saints while making her look like an irredeemable person instead of a kid making dumb mistakes because she crew up in a toxic environment.

So, of I had the chance to rewrite it, I would make sure to show more of Mal being a kid. More of her nice side. Have her apologize even if it's not verbal while also showing some shady stuff the other vks (as well as the aks) did in their past so they'd be on more even ground.

I'd also do my best to avoid fricking ADDING SIBLINGS OUT OF FRICKING NOWHERE AFTER THE MOVIES ENDED JUST FOR A SPIN OFF-- LOOKING AT YOU POCKET WATCH, I'M STILL PISSED OFF ABOUT CHLOE FUCKING CHARMING!

If I HAD to add siblings, I'd have a good reason for why they weren't mentioned before. I.e. them being much younger or having a bad relationship with whoever they're related to.

Then I'd try to not delete characters because just because you don't use them often doesn't mean they stop existing. In my opinion, more side characters/one off character just fleshed out the world more and makes it seem more realistic.

Which is why I don't get too annoyed with descendants/Melissa de la Cruz for making characters up (The former royal adviser of Agrabah, whoever the fuck Ariana Rose is the kid of, etc.) because it just adds to the world and makes it seem more realistic. Because, assuming that a good 20 years takes place between descendants and the other disney flims, it makes sense. Because alot can happen in 20 years.

But moving on from that. I'd also do my best to make the time line clear and give the kids consequences. But not full on banishment or getting sent back to the isle consequence unless it's absolutely necessary.

I'd have little moments fleshing friendships between the main characters and their friends' partners because hey, if they're gonna be with that person you might as well get to know them.

Oh and I'd not just completely forget pets prior to Dude existed and have an explanation for what happened to them/where they were even if it was just a simple throwaway line about old age or Cruella or 'with cousin'.

The sequels would count as canon because fuck that stupid rule. Carlos is gonna have family other than just fucking Cruella.

I'd also have the kids' development be more realistic. Show more hints of resentment and distrust towards the adults. Not have them just be fine with being Beast and Belle who they are barely ever around without those 2 and fairy godmother having to work for it.

I'd also have the kids rightfully in therapy/have them not forget that their parents were abusive/terrible because what the fuck descendants. I'm sorry but as a kid who was emotionally abused, that shit does not sit right with me and I would not teach kids that they have to forgive their abusers.

And to be perfectly honest, I'd probably have done it as a live action series or multi series. Like yeah, there would be song numbers sprinkled in but not too many in one episode , you know. Or I'd find a way to incorporate the music without it seeming to werid.

And it would be disney still but a bit more.. mature... because I'm gonna be honest, the series probably would have done a bit better if they took a boy meets world approach. Like you know how they talked about adult things sometimes-- I.e drugs, abuse, etc. It would have been more interesting and realistic.

And I'd also try to make the characters' make more sense. Like when Doug acts like a complete dick in d2 by assuming Evie is cheating on him and not seeming concerned about Ben? I'd have at least one or two small scenes of set up. Like a nasty note in his locker or a joke in bad taste that makes him question himself. And I'd have him at least question if Ben was okay.

I'd just do alot of things slightly differently while keeping them mostly the same.

I like the contrast between the isle and Auardon. I like the outfits most of the time (Lonnie's would definitely be fixed. Except for like 2 of her dresses-- the one she wore at both big parties in d1 and d2 -- and her pjs because those were cute. But the others would be more culturally appropriate or.. you know.. more modern because what the hell Chad is wearing normal clothes as is Doug. Let Lonnie wear some cute modern clothes that are popular in China. Ones that fit her personality. Ones that match her dad and mom's colors other than just PINK. Audrey's mainly pink. DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES HER BLEND IN YET STAND OUT AT THE SAME TIME.

I would leave the chocolate chip scene in because, hey, maybe Mulan learned how to make them from one of her friends and decided to see if her kids liked them?

I'd just in general try to make things make more sense and have the characters actually be more than one dimensional like some of the descendants characters can be. Ya know?

Oh and Mr Deley would have definitely gotten an earful from FG or coach Jenkins or Snow fricking White if I wrote it.

I'm sorry but threatening to expell a kid with a troubled home life for a first offense is fricking discrimination and he would either shape up or get the fuck out.

Coach Jenkins would also become more a permanent figure because it annoys the hell out of me that we just got to see controlling adults for the most part instead of supportive/understanding ones! Like, dude, come on!

I am a woman of principle and I stand by my opinion that Belle, Beast, and Fg need to chill the fuck out and stop gulit tripping, manipulating, and treating these young adults like small children who can't think for themselves. I also stand by my opinion that Mr Deley is horribly biased and needs some sense smacked into him.

#descendants #disney descendants #melissa de la cruz #descendants rant #descendants critical #descendants critic #fixing descendants #if i wrote descendants #etc.#disney #mal critical i guess?#but not really though #beast and belle suck though #so does mr deley #fg is on thin ice #coach jenkins has never done anything wrong and we love him for it #coach jenkins for the win

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annihilate-this-week · 1 year

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Frequently Called Numbers

I have 380 contacts in my phone. Due to the eternal nature of my SIM card, some small portion of them dates all the way back to my first brick-phone in 2006, the one I demanded no one text me on because I only got 200 free texts a month (I went over it as many months as not). There are people on my phone contacts list that I honestly can't identify. There are girls I went on one date with; dudes whose band I practiced with three times; past roommates who don't even live in the same country as I do anymore. There are even people who don't know I'm a girl; a few years ago, someone texted me randomly that I hadn't heard from in most of a decade to invite me to go to a show. As a married lady, I generally don't get involved in things I can't bring my wife to, so I was in the process of declining even as this person was in the process of revealing that their memory of me was so outdated they still thought of me as a terminally-single guy. I still had that person's number in my phone, though. I almost wish I hadn't.

I know there are at least a couple of people in my phone who are dead. I never would have believed it had you told me when I was 25 that I would live to see the day that some of my good friends were 15 years dead, and yet that I was still walking around with their numbers saved in my phone. I never thought I would live to get that old. I thought I'd die. For years, I had plans on exactly how I would do so; wander into that patch of woods at the back of my neighborhood, intentionally overdose on over-the-counter sleeping pills, leave my cell phone on so the GPS signal could help someone find my body in an isolated spot where no one would have to worry about cleanup.

Instead, somehow, I survived. Friends harangued me into getting therapy. I cried during my intake interview, admitted that I had detailed plans for the way I'd kill myself, that I thought about suicide multiple times a day. I started seeing a kind older woman who talked me through six years of emotional struggles until I was eventually healthy enough to admit I was a woman, and needed to start living like I was. She was never as able to help me after that, though she did admit to me at one point, "I was really skeptical when you first told me you wanted to transition but it's really obvious that it was the right thing for you." We amicably ended therapy a few years later, but I'm not entirely OK these days. I thought recently about getting back into it with someone experienced at treating trans people, and thought of what I'd say during my intake interview today -- "I have found myself subconsciously unable to trust those closest to me, even if on a conscious level I'd trust them with my life. Also, I tend to think every expression of distress by my partner and other loved ones is my fault and their unhappiness is my responsibility to fix" -- and compared it in my mind to that first intake interview over a decade ago. I'm not perfect, but I'm way better than I was. I guess I can take comfort in that.

The therapist I had back then is still saved in my phone, alongside punks who died of heroin overdoses in the mid-00s and women whose first names are followed by an abbreviation indicating the dating site I initially contacted them through. And all of these people are arranged neatly in alphabetical order alongside the few numbers I actually still call or text regularly. My wife. My friend whose local music website I write for. My other friend who lives in Philadelphia and still thinks of me and texts me on a random Tuesday night. These are the people whose numbers I can't lose. The rest could all disappear and I might not even notice. But going through and manually deleting all of them is way too heartbreaking to contemplate. So I guess I'll keep carrying all of them around in my pocket for the rest of my life. Which will hopefully end peacefully and in the company of those I love, a long time from now.

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whitelotusherald · 2 years

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TL;DR it sucks living with depression and having a constant identity crisis; unnecessarily long and personal post so feel free to skip it! I might delete it later so for the love of everything don't like/rb not that it's worthy of any of those lol. Right now I just feel an urge to write about this otherwise I'm just gonna blow up from all this repressed shit. I usually do such things on twitter but that's really not a place to write a whole essay. This whole thing's gonna be as collected and coherent as a book being torn into the smallest pieces then thrown into a hurricane.

TW for way too many things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

First thing first: I know most of my problems are that of a first world spoiled brat. Many people struggle even paying the bills. Thankfully currently I have no problem with that (yet). I'm living with my father who's strict but not a deadass conservative and puts up with me and my difficult personality.

Okay so.

Where do I start.

I've been battling with depression since forever. 15+ years. It started back in high school when I had a godawful difficult time, especially during my final year and even attempted suicide. I can't really recall what triggered it. I just wanted to quit. Maybe it was the pressure, final year meant I should've figured out already what I want from life, what the hell do I want to study in depth later on, and don't get me started on the final exams. (We were the first ones to have new type of exams and nobody really knew what to expect.) The most bizarre thing about it was how I've never told anyone about it except two people, both of whom I've known only online. I sent them a mail early on the morning on that certain day, like 4 am or so. At 5 I got a reply from one of them - he told me how he also struggled with depression but went to therapy, it's not something to be ashamed of, and he tried to encourage me not to give up. That really saved me on that day. His words kept echoing in my head and are the only thing that kept me from attempting suicide in these past years. As he passed away since then, I've always been like „I can't do it, I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye in the afterlife”. He's been my safety net even though he's no longer with us.

I've been having ups and downs. Whenever I had something to keep me busy - university, fantranslating, moving, working - 99% of the time I was okay. The 1% was mostly due to extreme level of stress and being tired. But whenever I have time to stop and think about my life, I'm just so done with everything. Being unemployed for years I had all the time on my hands to think and had been hitting low points more and more frequently. And it didn't improve after I got a job.

As a kid they always told me how exceptionally talented I was for trivial stuff like learning to read extremely early, learning English since kindergarden, having a good memory and not having major issues with school. I've always been told I would have no problems in life. Too bad they never realized that while I'm good at recalling a gazillion things I'd once read, I've never cared to dig deeper in ANY field so my knowledge is shallow af. At the end of high school I had no idea what I wanted so I became an English / history major. Too bad I failed at history (having the worst teachers & boring lectures & zero motivation didn't help) so I only have a BA in English. Which is the most useless diploma EVER. Had I been born a few years earlier, it would've been super cool, but I just had to be born at a time when most people speak English fluently even in my country. I've been trying to convince myself I'm good at translation and sometimes it works but sometimes I realize how mediocre my work is. Most of the time I feel like I let my parents down for not achieving anything with my diploma. For not achieving anything in life. I had had a deadend job for 5 years and even quit that once they pulled some openly shameless tricks. (Btw I got my first job after trying for a year and a half. Back then everyone expected applicants to have 10 yrs of experience. After quitting I couldn't get a job because I had some experience but they supported fresh grads... I feel like I'm always at the wrong place at the wrong time.) Despite getting a new job I constantly fear they gonna realize they made a mistake, my knowledge is fake and gonna fire me. Or I mess up something big time and someone actually dies. (Yeah, nobody has made THAT huge mistake at my company so far, but you know. I might be the first. Insecurity ftw.)

I ain't better on a personal level either.

I'm as much of an introvert as one can be. I'm totally fine on my own, I really don't need personal contacts. Those take so much energy out of me. It's just exhausting. I don't even notice it, but after even a 10 minute long conversation I feel like okay, time to take a nap, that was enough people-time for a week. (Once I saw a documentary about lighthouse keepers who said the worst part of the job is the godawful solitude. I'd trade places with any of them.) This also means I'm NOT GOOD at relationships to say the least. At any kind. Never been able to communicate with my parents properly, telling them only the most necessary stuff and only at the last moment, if not one moment later. I'm not good at supporting friends if it's not some down-to-earth problem like paperwork or something. Romantic relationships? Lol. Tried dating but felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable at those times. I have had a few crushes tho. Never dared to make a move. I've always known my own worth and that all the guys could find someone better. Or at least someone with better looks and more normal hobbies. And what all my relationships share is that I tend to nope the fuck out of difficult situations instead of staying and trying to solve them. I just hope they solve themselves under the carpet where I sweep them. NEVER a good strategy. It's like being ten times of an asshole.

Identity crisis ain't helping either. I've been mistaken for a boy for... basically all my teen years. It stopped when I started to grow my hair. (Only because I'd become too lazy to get an appointment at the hairdresser. Another kind of hell for me. Getting in touch with people I don't know.) If I got a dollar every time they tried to shoo me out of public bathrooms I would be a millionaire by now. (I'm only half joking.) To be honest, it only bothered me because it was kind of humiliating that I had to explain myself. First year in high school a teacher called me young man and it became a running gag slash nickname. That also bothered me only on the level of being humiliated. I.e. I KNEW society expected me to act like a girl so I should act like I don't like being called a boy & should feel embarrassed about it. LGBTQ matters have never been discussed in a straightforward way. Queer folk were people you would joke about. Everyone is cishet here, right, let's make jokes about LGBTQ folks! So for the longest time I just sorta went with the flow, though never fell in line considering clothing and the fucked up traditional views of „a woman should marry and have kids end of story”. However I've always had these recurring thoughts – wishing I was rather born a boy, counting the fucking YEARS I have left to live with periods, wanting to have smaller breasts. (Two very telling stories: 1. seeing a movie about women fighting cancer one of them had to undergo mastectomy and felt awful about it. I felt sorry for her but at the same time at the back of my mind I kept thinking „if only you could get free surgery without having cancer”. Since then I got myself a bunch of binders which really do lower my dysphoria. 2. When they diagnosed me with uterine fibroids I only considered medication seriously for like.... 30 minutes? And then decided to have hysterectomy. One of my roommates at the hospital was surprised I'm not having a breakdown at all and acted all condescending, telling me I'm so young, naive and do not understand what this whole thing means. I wanted to LAUGH. It meant a free surgery. I could leave behind something that made me feel godawful for AGES.) To put a long story short: I've never felt any connection to womanhood and heck, hysterectomy was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. So on top of battling with depression and whatnot in my 20s I had to realize I'm anything but cisgender. Ever since then I've been trying to stash away the feeling that “wait, there's such a thing as transition”, knowing full well I wouldn't be a typical guy either. (Thank god gender and it's categories are flexible af so I can sign up being a demiguy lol.) In the past few years I've been reading queer YA literature to have at least some comfort books and they really do help a lot coming to terms with myself especially in this hostile and toxic environment my country has become in recent years.

I have absolutely zero idea how to balance or solve these things, currently I'm just having these „this is fine” moments while keeping to hit low points and honestly, I know I should seek help but therapists keep ghosting me as I try to get an appointment & therapy is anything but free. Well at least writing a deadass long blogpost IS free and tumblr won't turn me down like busy psychologists.

#personal #moral of story you can post dumbass shit on tumblr even without being drunk #i've been working on this post for almost two years and edited it a million times #and yet it is only the tip of the iceberg #i just need to get it out of my system

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nudne · 4 years

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nothing like shopping at a high street fashion store to make you feel like shit 😌

#i mean i KNOW that 1. it's lockdown and we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves #and also even if there wasn't a lockdown I'm still like. a normal weight ? because every weight is a normal weight? like it's just a body!#but it's hard after living with an eating disorder as a teenager that wasn't really treated properly. i mean i started eating more and #gaining weight but that mindset was never really challenged ??? but now like technically i know that for me especially it's better to just #eat whatever i want because if i start restricting in any way that's when I'll fall back into disordered eating patterns.#also obviously it doesn't matter how much a person weighs for them to be beautiful and have inherent value as a human being #it's just when you go into h&m and everything's made for skinny people & by skinny i mean their thighs are the circumference of my upper arm #like i remember being a size 10 in trousers last time and now even a size 12 from h&m is too small for me #and a size 12 from m&s JUST fits #but i definitely have this anxiety about gaining weight and putting on clothes just to find that they don't fit anymore #i know i should get therapy lol but there's so much wrong with my brain that this is the least of my worries #also if i keep eating the same and don't worry about that but just exercise 2-3 times a week it would be fine #but I've been in so much pain and also i can't jog bc of the. chronic pain and i would cycle but I'd need to bring my bike up and down the #stairs to my flat. which is so much hassle and stressses me out just to think about it #anyways I'm done. i might delete this later i just needed to get this out #personal #eating disorders -

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whatiwillsay · 3 years

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Hey Cam... It's the roommate anon from Nat's blog, and I'm kinda totally freaking out a little bit again (kind of my brand at this point), and I know that you're a lesbian (at least, I think you are?), and I'm just trying to stay like calm at the moment.

And this is like a personal question and stuff, so I totally get it if you don't wanna answer, like no pressure at all. You can just delete this ask, and it'll be totally fine, I won't mind.

But did you ever like really struggle with accepting your sexuality, and did you ever get in these kinds of moods where you just felt really anxious about everything and like you really needed to try to be straight again?

It's such a dumb, stupid, embarrassing thing that's triggered this. Basically, roomie's wearing this like white T shirt that's very thin, and all she did was lean back on the couch and put her hands behind her head, except it was giving me really gay thoughts, and now I'm having a HUGE resurgence of internalized homophobia and really honestly and truly freaking the fuck out :/

No, like I'm literally hiding in one of our bathrooms right now. I locked the door, and I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub typing this... all over a T shirt. Like it's so stupid, and I know that I'm gonna laugh about this later, but right now, I'm just so anxious.

And I kinda wanna just go back to guys. Like I feel like I really need to go back to guys and that I need to go back to being "straight", but I'm just trying to ignore that.

And I kinda feel like I can't breathe properly, and my chest just feels tight from the anxiety, and it's like so silly, right? Like it's so dumb. I mean, it's not like I haven't literally seen more than that before, but I think it's just because I know that I'm a lesbian now that I just feel really anxious about it. Things were different when I was "straight". I never felt anxious about any of this when I was "straight". Like nothing like this ever bothered me.

And now, my mind's like, "Go watch a homophobic video on YouTube." You know those rant videos that conservatives make where they just go on and on about how we're like immoral and wrong and all of that? My brain is really trying to convince me to go and watch one of those.

And I just eally needed some kind of distraction, and so I came on Tumblr, and I saw you on my dash, and I was like, "Okay, Cam's a lesbian, right? Maybe she can help."

(If you're not a lesbian, I'm sorry, idk where I got that idea from.)

But is this stuff even normal? Because in my mind, it does feel really ridiculous. Like oh wow, a hot girl's wearing a thin T shirt, let's go and lock ourselves in the bathroom and essentially try to do conversion therapy on ourselves. Like it's so silly, right. I know that it's dumb. And I know that I'm gonna be making jokes about this later. But right now, I'm just not feeling great about it at all.

Do you have any advice? And did you ever go through anything like this yourself with the internalized homophobia and the anxiety and this need to try to be straight when you first realized that you liked girls? Is this like a common thing, or is it more of a rare thing?

My head just hurts. You don't even have to give like proper advice, like even just a sentence would really help. You could even just reply with an emoji lol, and I would still appreciate it.

Also, could you maybe link me to any of your favorite Dianna interviews or videos? You don't have to, but I feel like it might just be a good distraction for me because I don't really know anything about Dianna or her personality at the moment, and so I've been meaning to watch some Dianna videos, but I wasn't really sure which ones to start with. Thank you

ok anon i want you to take a deep breath and look down at your hands and quickly count all your knuckles on each hand and try to ground yourself and then repeat after me, “what i’m going through is scary and hard but that’s part of being human and cam loves me a lot and is with me in this moment and isn’t gonna let me go through this alone.” because i am with you! and i do love you! and i’m not gonna let you go through this alone (none of us are!)

that feeling of repulsion at your natural attraction is really normal and i (and many others) have felt that. girl i was just out on a walk and a very good looking girl ran by me on a jog and i deadass turned around and started to walk home i was so thrown by how hot she was and like it made me feel a bit paralyzed! like that happened 15 minutes ago to me and i’ve been out to myself for quite a while! it’s normal (esp for women i think) to feel overly self-conscious about our feelings and attractions because i think we’re so sensitive to people creeping on us we would never want to feel like we’re creeping on someone else.

but girl your roomie lets you see her naked i’m pretty sure she won’t mind you appreciating her form a bit and also noticing someone is attractive is not some kind of invasive or bad thing to do so please go easy on yourself!

here’s a dianna interview i like!

youtube

and if you’re so inclined you could listen to me and @thatskepticalbitchcara on our podcast 👀👀👀

here’s a link to my favorite episode

anyway i’m glad you anonned me, please always feel free to do so if you like! i love hearing from you and i love your story and i saw you told rep you had an internet crush on me and i just want you to know the feeling is mutual!

sending you so much love and strength angel it’s gonna be ok! ❤️❤️❤️

#roommate anon <3 #Anonymous

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littlefreya · 3 years

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I have never talked about this, its a long story but i hope you will read it ❤Quite a while ago, I was dating this guy for 2 and a half years. It was my first 'long term relationship' and if I'm honest, I only got into the relationship because I was extremely lonely and depressed. A lot of abuse happened in this relationship, most of it subtle until one day it became more serious. He filmed us having sex without my knowledge or consent and showed me after. I was horrified and told him to delete it but he wouldn't.

Months later he threatened to send it to all of his friends if i broke up with him (at this point us breaking up was inevitable he was controlling, and manipulative and i had had enough). I wanted out and I thought that he was bluffing. Maybe he had deleted it but was trying to keep me trapped in this controlling and toxic relationship. So I left him.

For 12 months I didn't leave my house, rarely leaving my bed. I was terrified to leave my house in case i ran into him. Even though I knew it was very unlikely as he lived an hour drive away from me. After a year of wallowing in self pity I decided to get a job and get back out into the world, determined to not let him control me anymore. Sadly it gets worse.

After 3 years of being in a stable job (or as stable as retail can be) I decided to get back into the dating world. I downloaded tinder (bad idea i know) and started talking to a few guys. My self-esteem sky rocketed having these cute guys calling me gorgeous and seemingly wanting to get to know me.

One of the guys was super cute, really charismatic and funny. We talked for about six months and went on 3 really cute dates. At this point he invited me over to his house to play some video games. Me being a gamer I happily accepted. I don't drive so i got an uber to his house, it was a 45 minute ride.

When i got there, the house was extremely run down and my immediate gut feeling was to get the fuck out of there, but i ignored it and walked towards the front door anyway. He opened the door before i even got near it. He showed me around the house and it was seriously dilapidated. If it weren't for the elaborate gaming set up it would look like no one lived there (the lights didn't even work). Again my gut and mind screamed for me to get out of there but i trusted him, he was nice and made me feel wanted.

We played some games and he offered me a drink and i accepted. He had laced the drink, to this day I don't know what was in it but it tasted funny. Next thing i know I'm lying in bed with him and he was showing me a police report showing how he had beat his ex unconscious and i was terrified. It was at this point he revealed that he was friends with my ex and that my ex missed me very much and my stomach dropped.

I never told him to stop when he had his way with me. I'm not sure if it was because i was scared or if i didn't want him to stop. This went on for hours i assume (my memory is foggy past seing the police report) because i woke up early the next day, nauseous and with a killer headache. I left before he could wake up and blocked him on every social media. I was terrified. I went to work like nothing ever happened.

I have never spoke of this to anyone and I sometimes have this fear that he will show up at my work or either of them may have vidwos of what was done and i honestly don't know what I would do if they did. I know now to trust my instincts and not to trust so easily (and to not accept drinks from people unless you watch them make it). I don't know how to get over the fear that one day video might appear of what happened.

Your writing has kept me sane in the years following this and I honestly can't thank you enough for being open about abuse. It has really helped me. Thank you Freya it really means a lot to me, truly ❤

I wish I could hug you right now more than anything in the world. Because you deserve love and comfort and you deserve to have this pain taken away from you.

I am so so so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that men you trusted exploited your kindness and your heart and abused you like this. Please don’t blame this on yourself. I know it’s hard to tell yourself otherwise but the only people who are guilty in this situation are the men who did what they did to you.

I don’t know if you want to take legal actions, I understand that a lot of women and men don’t for many reasons. But if you still want to go to the police to feel more protected and safe and to stop these two from causing any more harm to you or others I fully support you.

Have you considered taking up therapy? What have you been through is a major trauma and I think you need to speak to a professional who will help you find your path to healing. PTSD is not easy to deal with on your own and you shouldn’t go through this alone.

I am here for you and I am sure many of my friends are here for you too.

Remember that you are strong, that you’ve been through hell and you climbed out. That what happened to you will never be your fault and that you are not alone. 🖤

#hendrocavscal #ask freya #tw: rape

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pita-mellark · 2 years

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chapter 7

Chaed on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 03:02AM ESTWhat a way to start off into 2016, checking out AO3 this morning and finding your name on top of the list! The start of a great year with the continuation of an even greater story. Updates might not be as frequent as other stories, but boy, are they worth the wait!Starting each section with a handful of names was a genius idea, especially coupled with the last section regarding Haymitch. I don't think there's a post MJ story out there that matches yours at the slightest! Forgive this short review for now, I'm still getting over last night's party. I'll deffo come back with a more insightful comment later on!May 2016 bring you all the best, katiac, and never stop writing!Comment Actions

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katiac on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 09:34AM ESTHi Chaed, Happy New Years to you too! And thank you so much! This chapter really ballooned into a monster, and a big part of that was because there was so much painful history going on with Haymitch and Peeta that needed to be worked out, or at least touched on. Haymitch is such a sympathetic character to me. He’s as pitiable as Katniss or Peeta, except without anyone to share it with, at least for 25 years, and as far as we know in the future, nothing definite. K and P at least have that (mostly) happy ending at the conclusion of MJ.I’m so glad you liked the names of Haymitch’s lost tributes. I played with several ways of how to do it, and was fairly certain this one was probably just a touch on the possibly too vague side, but my favorite stories are ones where they make me work a little to put things together and I figured anyone who hadn’t yet abandoned this fic after the insane jumping around of timelines would find it forgivable in the end. Thank you again for reading this huge chapter after freshly back from a NYE party and may your 2016 bring wonderful things as well!Comment Actions

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RagamuffinChild on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 03:05AM ESTStill a good story, and I will wait patiently for more.What are the names at the start of each section?Comment Actions

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katiac on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 11:00AM ESTThank you so much, RagamuffinChild , I’m thrilled to hear you enjoyed it. The names at the start of each section were for the twenty-three years of lost tributes Haymitch eventually adds to the memory book. Sorry if that was a little vague… I played around with different ways to do it and couldn’t find one that made it more plain without breaking up that last section of Haymitch’s… and I thought it had a stronger impact as one unbroken thought. Thank you again for taking the time to leave your thoughts and tell me you liked it, and have a happy 2016!Comment Actions

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Brown_Eyed_Devil on Chapter 7Wed 19 Aug 2020 05:12PM EDTMy thoughts exactly 😂Comment Actions

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Account Deleted on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 03:33AM ESTWhat a hopeful chapter. That's really just the overwhelming impression I got from it, and the first thought I had as soon as I finished reading it.If the last chapter showed just how badly hurt everyone was, this chapter showed the promise the future could hold for them, if they persevered and stayed brave and strong together. The perfect New Years chapter really.First off, Peeta's therapy was as usual, thoughtful and powerful, really makes you feel for Peeta and for Aurelius. I loved that you added in the group session, to examine other peoples hurts, to give Peeta some measure of perspective and courage. I was even intrigued by Dr. Lucius. From Peeta's narrative in these therapy portions it's hard to really trust him all the time, as you tend to paint the doctors and nurses as dispassionate entities from his mindset. I like how in this chapter Peeta's more willing to show his old brand of understanding. His relationship with Aurelius is really something special, and I love reading their conversations together. I was also pleased to get some more detail on the behaviour of Hadriana and Decima in this chapter, as in the last chapters I was a little confused as it almost seemed like they were delibrately antagonizing him. This one smoothed all of that out and it made sense. I like that Peeta comes to think of them fondly and even stays somewhat in contact.The scenes detailing Peeta in present time with Katniss and Haymitch were also good. It's nice that he's opening up more, making a stronger effort to be honest and forthright with his thoughts and opinions. Even fighting off his bitter/hijacked reactions to some of the things Katniss and Haymitch say and bringing himself to understand what they really meant. Reclaming that old intuition and sensitivity that made him stand out to them. By the end of the chapter he seems to be in a good place with Katniss and Haymitch, the latter I was really waiting for. I always knew he and Katniss would be okay (relatively speaking), that they would find a way to be together and trust one another again. But with Haymitch it was a different story, as you don't exactly know what Peeta thinks of him by the end, nor is he mentioned much in Katniss's summary towards the end and in the epilogue. But it was a perfect way to end the chapter with Haymitch and Peeta reaching a mutual understanding, forgiving themselves and forgiving each other.Peeta's family life is always interesting to hear about, from his mother's treatment affecting his behaviour around females in a position of authority over him, to his contrasting thoughts on his father to Katniss. And he and Katniss finally gain some measure of intimacy, which is always sweet to read about of course, even if they decide to continue to wait it out (probably the safest bet at this point).Is this the last chapter? From the general tone it almost seems like it, but I recall you mentioning these last three chapters were part of a story arc, so maybe this is just the end of that arc?Comment Actions

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katiac on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 12:56PM ESTHi TheGreatOrangeDragon! I was so looking forward to hearing what you would think of the chapter and of having a discussion about it with you. Thank you for taking the time to leave such wonderful comments!I’m just thrilled to hear the chapter came across as hopeful to you. That’s really what I was going for, even though there were some sad spots in it as well, and really the tone I’m striving for in the fic overall. Yes, this was a three-chapter arc (so we still have more to go, though not too many as Peeta will go home in two more months and the fic ends there) that explored the “fathers and pseudo-fathers” theme, as well as various minor sub-themes in each separate chapter. It was rather cathartic writing-wise to make this chapter the “hopeful” one even if it did wind up being excessively long after how horribly messed up things got for all the character relationships in the previous chapter.“From Peeta's narrative in these therapy portions it's hard to really trust him all the time, as you tend to paint the doctors and nurses as dispassionate entities from his mindset.”…great point, and this is really key because Peeta throughout this fic at various times and to various degrees is an incredibly unreliable narrator. Dr. Aurelius says something to him in another chapter (I think 6, but maybe 5) about how “we’ve been over this, all your memories of Katniss in Thirteen are heavily skewed because of the venom levels and the effects of the hijacking,” when Peeta is pitching a jealous fit over something Katniss did, and whenever he’s narrating something and getting upset, especially back in flashback time or in the Capitol, I try really hard *not* to make it look reasonable if he wouldn’t see it that way. So like you mentioned Decima and Hadriana, and it’s the same sort of thing. Peeta’s just not announcing to us that’s he’s still a little off in the head because he’s too out of things to realize it .The Peeta and Haymitch relationship absolutely fascinates me too, and I’ve just been itching to write it since I started the fic. Haymitch is a character I absolutely pity and since like you said, we don’t really find out much in canon about what happens to him, there’s a lot of leeway. In my head canon it’s hard to see him having a partner since Katniss seems to imply he continues drinking heavily, but I do imagine that as K/P grow back together and mend their relationship, the same happens with their relationship with Haymitch, and that when the toastbabies come along, he takes on sort of a grandfatherly role. Because I think he’s really the one who becomes the father figure for both of them, and has felt like that for some time, which is why some of these hurts cut so deeply.With the P/K relationship, it’s been fun to have them inching closer together during this period but not quite getting to a place where either of them is wholly comfortable and they’re stuck in this weird unbalanced sort of reality where they share a bed and know they would die for each other but I’m too embarrassed to see you in your underwear, eek! Now things are starting to move forward a little more and they can’t really avoid confronting those physical and romantic feelings much longer… the kiss at the lake they could probably write off as an oops, the one at the end of this chapter, not so much. So things are definitely heating up for them too, in an interesting way .Thank you again for your thoughtful, wonderful comments, I always enjoy getting to discuss THG with you!Comment Actions

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Account Deleted on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 01:36PM ESTYour Haymitch is the best I've read since The Grandmentor (which has him play out the scenario you mentioned). He's a fascinating character. For me, he's arguably the most interesting character in the series, and that's because he's so human. Full of weakness and flaws andn ever totally beating his demons, but even amidst all that he tries to find a way to look out for those few people he cares for. And now he's trying to help Katniss and Peeta find some small measure of peace. I too doubt he had a partner, even the film doesn't outright show him and Effie having a real relationship, just a playful end note to their constant association with one another.You touched on it in this chapter, but sessions between Aurelius and Haymitch would be fascinating. Curious though, that he thinks Aurelius dislikes him. I suppose he did sort of set Peeta's therapy back a little by revealing that information about Katniss, so Aurelius would be entitled to be angry over that, but he was also somewhat understanding to Haymitch's true intentions when he tells Peeta that he was trying to do his best to help both Katniss and Peeta.Last Edited Fri 01 Jan 2016 01:37PM ESTComment Actions

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katiac on Chapter 7Fri 01 Jan 2016 04:06PM ESTGod, I LOVE that fic. I just had my kindle read it to me a few weeks ago and still need to go back and review. I always fall behind in the winter, unfortunately. That is like THE epitome of Haymitch and it just slayed me in the second to last chapter with the whole today is the day of the reaping… Wanted to bawl like a baby. Oh to be able to write a Haymitch like that.And yes, I think Haymitch has only good intentions and is just human and flawed. And has lived a very, very hard life. Katniss is a hard nut to crack after 5 years of living with uncertainty. It’s almost impossible to fathom how damaged Haymitch would be. Which really just makes his every little victory that much more admirable. And I think he returns with Katniss to rescue her, knowing her mother can’t, knowing she needs someone, and knowing Peeta will return eventually and they’ll both need him. He gets a lot of anger from Peeta in chapter 6, and I can’t fault Peeta for having pain over what happened, but it’s not like Haymitch was thrilled at the idea of being a mentor either.I just kind of love the idea of Dr. Aurelius getting into the disaster that is Haymitch’s head, though I’d be hard pressed to think up a scenario where Haymitch would agree. In my mind, Dr. Aurelius isn’t really “pissed” (at least in present time) so much as Haymitch knows he screwed up by barging into the hospital when he knew Peeta would be off the floor and telling him about Katniss. Haymitch was motivated out of guilt, and made a dumb decision while drinking, and once he saw Peeta lose it, he probably quickly reconsidered that yeah, maybe Peeta isn’t quite stable enough for this information after all. And then in my head canon I imagine Haymitch feeling a little… maybe jealous is the wrong word, but hurt when Peeta is still pissed off and snarky with him and trusts Dr. Aurelius. Haymitch is really more the father figure to both K and P, and Aurelius is more of a stable emotional guide, but I can imagine some tender feelings there and some jealousy that one has it together and the other wakes up in his vomit and has to be taken care of, 97% of which are on Haymitch’s end. I think Aurelius more just pities him, and spends a lot of time working with a lot of people who aren’t dissimilar, so I don’t think he would really be angry about it.Comment Actions

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Account Deleted on Chapter 7Sun 03 Jan 2016 01:50AM ESTI love that whole series. And yes, that part was fantastic. As was the final line of the epilogue. Ah Haymitch, how I wish Suzanne Collins wrote something from his point of view.Comment Actions

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katiac on Chapter 7Sun 03 Jan 2016 10:42AM ESTI've wished the same thing, about Haymitch, but in almost every case like that, where the author has later released either a short story or a novel from an alternate character's POV, I've felt a little disappointed with the result, especially when it's someone like Haymitch who has such a dark, tortured past. It's hard to do it just right and you almost just can't even have the character think about the weight of all his demons too much or you'll ruin the allure the character has in the first place. That's why silvercistern's fic was just such an amazing Haymitch because she hit just the right notes of melancholy, sweetness, and irreverence.Or alternatively, it could just be that as a fan, my expectations are so high that I will be crushed by anything less than an earth-shattering moment of emotional turmoil during, say, the reaping scene, rather than Haymitch thinking his crotch itched while Effie goes up to the reaping ball. But then if I'm given Haymitch having that deep emotional moment, which I think I have to have because I know Prim is about to be reaped, it rings as false because some part of me knows this isn't right. Anyway. it just made the Grandmentor that much more awesome.

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earlgreytea68 · 6 years

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Maybe it's bc I'm from a country whose gov wiretapped innocent people they saw as their enemies but I can't believe people PAY MONEY to get spied on so they what? Don't have to press a button?! I'm not angry or anything just absolutely baffled at how many people ACTIVELY choose this dystopian nightmare shit. Things are bad enough already so I just wonder how both those things (anger about fb&owning alexa) fit together. Not attacking you, just genuinely wondering about the thought process (1/2)

Valid question! Here’s my thought process:

First, the Facebook thing is actually less about the collection and sale of my data than...a really, really long tortured relationship with Facebook that needs to end now. Not that I agree with the collection and sale of my data! Because I don’t! But you should know my long history, because I think it explains my thought process.

I registered for Facebook early, when you still had to have an edu email address. I thought I had it locked down, private, friends-only. Then, a few years later, my boss walks into my office and closes my door and gives me a talking-to about “inappropriate Facebook posts.” To be clear, I was never a person, like, posting topless photos on Facebook or something, nor was I complaining about my boss really. It was more like, “Ugh, I have to work all weekend, sorry I can’t go to this party!” And she was like, “THAT IS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION THAT YOU WORKED ALL WEEKEND.” And I was like, ...how are you even seeing my Facebook, you’re not my friend? So (a) I was spooked, because when your boss yells at you because of Facebook, it’s terrifying, and (b) I was completely bewildered that she could even see my Facebook. Upon investigation, it turned out that at the time (and this was a decade ago), if you put down where you work, EVERYONE who also put that place down could see your Facebook, even if they weren’t your friend and your Facebook was friends-only. (I think Facebook has changed that policy now.)

So, terrified, I deleted my Facebook. But this was back when not having a Facebook caused this whole public outcry thing and my friends freaked out and so I gave in and re-started a Facebook, posting very little because I was terrified. But I still used it. Until I got depressed and started therapy. My therapist told me to keep a stress journal, where I wrote down whenever I felt a spike of stress, and going on Facebook consistently showed up in the journal as a source of stress. So, upon my therapist’s suggestion, I stopped going on Facebook. I still kept it instead of deleting it because I didn’t want people to freak out the way they did the first time, but I stopped using it.

Fast-forward many years, and in January of this year, I tried to open a Facebook for the psuedonym I use for novels. Facebook immediately flagged me as suspicious and asked me to prove I was me by uploading a photo. And I was kind of like, ....Why do you need my photo? What’s that going to prove? All I can assume is that, of course, they have a database of what we all look like. How they know I’m not just grabbing a random photo of the person I’m trying to impersonate off the internet is another question entirely. But I was like, Fine, whatever, I don’t feel like fighting with you, Facebook, so I gave up on having a pseudonym page.

And then I started thinking: Why did I still have a Facebook? I never go on Facebook. All the stuff had happened with the election, so it wasn’t like people would freak out anymore if I deleted it, they’d totally get it. And I kind of no longer wanted to give Facebook bragging rights about how many users it has by counting me when I don’t actually use it. And Zuckerberg’s attitude seemed to be that if you didn’t like Facebook, you shouldn’t use Facebook. I COMPLETELY disagree with this sentiment on his part because I think it completely ignores how many people can’t opt out of Facebook at this point, but luckily, I can opt out of Facebook.

...Or so I thought.

Except that I requested deletion of my Facebook, and they confirmed deletion and said I was scheduled for deletion within two weeks, and then...just never deleted my Facebook. Which I only know because they keep sending me emails about me being tagged and people sending me messages (even though I also keep requesting to be unsubscribed from those emails). (And also my friends still on Facebook confirm for me that I’m still on there.) I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get in touch with Facebook but...you can’t. It’s impossible. Try not being on Facebook and finding ANY contact information for Facebook other than a paper mailing address. If you find the contact info, please let me know!!! They have zero available email addresses, they don’t respond to their Twitter, and the phone number that circulates online is a dangerous scam stealing your social security numbers (which Facebook knows and warns you about but still doesn’t provide you with any way to contact them).

So my anger with Facebook isn’t just about gathering and selling my data, it’s the culmination of years of mistrust and knowing it’s not healthy for me in general and then BEING DENIED MY RIGHT TO DELETE IT AND BEING RENDERED COMPLETELY POWERLESS. Like, the longer this has gone on, and the longer I have realized that there is literally nothing I can do to get Facebook to delete my account, the angrier and angrier I have gotten.

So. That’s Facebook. As for the Alexa, well. You’re right. It sits in my house and is probably recording everything that happens in the house. Which is...basically nothing. I’m only home a few waking hours a day because I work full-time. I travel most weekends, so I’m not there on the weekends. I live alone, so I don’t talk much in my house. I have people over maybe two or three times a year, and then I can unplug the Alexa and stick it out in the garage and I feel relatively okay about that???? I might be kidding myself there, but, if worse comes to worst, I can throw the Alexa out entirely, and I think I’m okay. So I feel mostly in control of Alexa and its eavesdropping on me.

I worry more about the fact that I’m supporting Amazon in the first place, since I disagree with most of Amazon’s policies. I feel really guilty about that and do want to extract myself from the Amazon dependency I developed. My only shopping option in my town was Wal-Mart, and at the time when I moved there a few years ago I thought it was better to support Amazon than Wal-Mart. Now I’m not so sure about that (although I guess the lesson I’ve been learning is that there is no company I really want to give my money to).

I also worry more about the fact that I have a smartphone than an Alexa. I was very, very late to adopt a smartphone--years and years after everyone else had them--because I was very wary of them. I’m used to them now, but I don’t like how much information the smartphone has on me. I’ve given up a little bit, because I just...did. But the information the Alexa has is tiny compared to how much my phone has. And we all know that we have our suspicions that the phones are listening to us the whole time. And I *do* talk on the phone. I don’t talk much in my house, but my phone is the device I use to talk on (I talk a lot while walking around the neighborhood, waiting between classes at work, etc.). So the phone is getting every conversation I have, not the Alexa.

All that said: I don’t know that I can completely disconnect now. I shouldn’t have a smartphone, or a Twitter, or a Tumblr, but I decided that at a certain point what I’m really going to strive to do is be conscious about this technology and work to shape it in better ways. Is this naive and idealistic of me? Yes. Undoubtedly. I have nothing I can say to defend myself on that point. I absolutely should just unplug...but that’s difficult to do, and I do feel like (as the EU is trying here) there are ways to make this technology less dangerous.

Anyway. That’s my thought process. I think we all make the decisions we feel fit what we’ve considered. I don’t care much for Facebook, so it’s easy for me to disconnect (well, it would be if Facebook would let me, which is part of my major Facebook problem). I find Alexa useful and because I don’t do much around it and it’s connected to less stuff than my cell phone to begin with, it doesn’t bother me as much, and I feel like I can change my mind and get rid of it fairly easily. Of course, I could be wrong about that. I always thought I could delete my Facebook at any time, too.

Everyone might get done reading this and think, Wow, EGT is an absurd human being who makes zero sense. That is a completely true statement.

#long post #Anonymous

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humancupid444 · 2 years

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Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Good morning, PenPal it's 9:20am. Last night I was scared to sleep. I was scared I was going to loose my breath. I had nightmares. The ones where terrible things happen to me and when I tell people nobody seems to give af. I can feel myself changing. Growing. I'm more numb, I am taking things less personally. This leaves more space for me. I can't believe I never made friends here. I wonder if I will make friends when I go back to Seattle I woke up pretending I was connected with a person. I wished they would fall in love with me. I asked the universe for a sign today. Any sign. I need something good to happen. At 8:50pm I can say I got few signs today. The biggest ones are -me falling off my board, me submitting my yoga instructor scholarship application, and me saying no to hanging out with family. What I learned after saying no: Good things happen when you prioritize your self love. I have a therapy meeting later at 11:30am Should I delete the instagram app? I don't think I should because I might need it for DM. But I will never post on it again. I won't check anyones stories or scroll on my feed. I'll simply check dms. At 8:52pm I can say I went though Instagram a few times and watched stories. Yesterday I got a flashback to when I was a kid. I was always stuck in my room wondering ways to make money. I am back in that stage, it's frustrating and everything feels hopeless. I have to understand why I am me today. Why am I going through one of the hardest times. I am shy. But I'm also so wildly fun. Sometimes I creep but it's not on intention. It's because I can't find a way to become included. How long have I been wondering how to live? I want to work on my affirmations today. Maybe find some happiness there. I swat a fly. We're constantly manifesting. I feel like the girls who never replied to their matches on tinder are going through it right now. I am going to go to the beach today. Maybe I can write there. I will skate so I can save money on gas. I will pack my food. I am already eating my food on my couch as I'm waiting for my coffee to heat up. The top of my mouth is burned or scratched up. Journal Prompt from Pinterest: Two years into the future my life looks like: I work short hours for a high paying job. I make more than 2k a month. I am yoga instructor certified. My body is so healthy because I make time to exercise and eat clean foods. I have unlocked a new sense of reality, I am not scared of people. I am in no way afraid to challenge my thoughts or have my thoughts challenged because I know the answer is within me already. I am engaged with original thoughts and am confident with embracing my emotions. 2 years from now, I want to have multiple sources of passive income. I have a cat that is awesome and it's easy to take care of the cat. I am doing art, I am journaling, and meditating daily. I have money to buy anything I want at the shops. I am not scared of what other people think of me. I am confident in my life patterns and am not afraid to make a change if I need to. Fear is absent. Scarcity is absent. I need to make my way outside. I just checked this dudes instagram when I wasn't supposed to. After 15 seconds I called it quits and closed the tab. Woman Kind: 1. Man Kind:0 I am trustworthy. I am on my side. I am being real with people. I am honest. I am worthy of love. I am an excellent writer. I am simple but I am complex. I am unique. I am one of a kind. I am lucky. I am abundant. I am capable. I am worthy of new things. I am worthy of power. I am worthy of expressing myself freely. I am grace. I am radiant of good vibes and confidence. I am a money magnet. I am a hot woman with BDE. Money is drawn to me. I can handle massive success with ease. I am not afraid of my success. I am in bliss. I am amazing at manifesting money. I am amazing at saving my money. I am safe with my money. I am worthy of financial security. I am in my routine of collecting money. I am open to receiving an abundance of money. I attract money quickly and easily. I am open to the vibration of

collecting a lot of money, in a safe appropriate way. I am a millionaire. I am smart. I am receiving more money than I am sending. I almost got scammed though instagram again . phew. Thanks for giving my heart a race. But it's time to tap into reality. That would've been so funny if I fell for it again. But catch me upside-down before I send anyone money. ya nah. I can talk about this forever. Ah men are trash. Hi PenPal. Things just shifted Affirmation battery running low Dude Im gonna have to cancel my therapy appointment. Then I thought, well what can I see; I imagined I just went to a mailroom. That is after I went to check the mail. SONG: B-Side Khruangbin omg okay so I have to literally check my tarot reading. I feel I'm "severed" what does 7's mean. Is 7 scarier than 6? PenPal, I will have to get back to you because I have to finish writing my submission for my yoga teacher training scholarship admission. I'm literally allergic to everyone. I want to go meditate again. Okay so I just meditated. and now I'm going to make coffee. And then cut out my tattoo. Girl fight vibes rn. :] no It was the wrong session all along. That how I feel when I can't get the right prayer out. A funny tiktok is all I can dream about. How does this contribute to society? I feel something soon on its way. Dream world is a lemon tree And observational basis I like writing right now because I can hear my own tone of voice. This is how LA man orders lasagna he went like, "hey can I get a lasagna, like in a pan" and then I started laughing about big ears. SONG: Dealer- Lana Del Rey Okay PenPal so now I'm doing my makeup I kinda feel like I'm in my middle school mirror That's where a lot of my dreams happened tweety vs hello kitty You have the whole day ahead of you. What do you want to do with your energy? It's a privilege to do my own makeup right now Okay sphere's the characters in my mind right now: Tweety Bird, Hello Kitty, ... My day takes a lot of patience I forgot the third character Okay I finished my makeup im grossed out ahha Now apart of my activity for the day I am going to take off the makeup Now I'm at the beach. I have my cig. And a lot of food at home. Honesty side note: I pretend like I'm a wealthy person so people leave me alone and I can get into my comfort zone. But in reality, Im broke. I'm broke but I''m awfully happy. Broke people tend to be lonely I think. I am doing my favorite yoga pose right now. I am happy with my small collection of things. I also put on fake tattoos that I got from Buffalo Exchange in San Fransisco. I put one on my leg and it's in color. I like the way the color looks on my skin. Can I talk about how excited I am for my tattoo appointment? YES! Okay so I was skating down to the beach. I was going down a hill and I saw ahead of me a surfboard that had tattoo written on it. So I walked inside and asked to make an appointment. The man straight up looked super cool. I decided he was giving me a tattoo before I even saw his work. Did I type out desperate? We decided I was going with a fine line tattoo. It was between that one and an American traditional style lemon that had flowers behind it. But I will just do the lemon. No flower. It cost $100 and I gave him a $15 tip. Might I be feeling a little pressure right now? Yea. That's okay though. I kinda wish I didn't buy that pack of cigarettes. Something I wish I could tell my younger self is that life is really similar to the Hunger Games. And I'm a Prim. I'm under fire with fire in my hands. I just put a sticker on the bottom of a park bench. I haven't felt my pen in a while. I'm going to switch to drawing. I have to get home before it get's too dark. I just drew 2 cats. I will meditate for a moment before heading back. But I will go see the water first. OMG I will go meditate by the water! Then I will go home to eat dinner. I must finish my yoga scholarship! I am praying it's not a scam. They will let me know by actually awarding it to me. Psychic Moment: As I was skating up a hill I thought,

how long have you been alone for? Then I looked up and saw a solo backpacker. That was cool. Honest I don't have a phone charger. I went down to my car and forgot why I had gone down. I am finally eating dinner. Now I'm going to listen to magic music and read the rest of my tarot Omg I fell off my board and literally saw stars I remember now! I remember why I had to go to my car! It's because I have to get my nail polish so I can do my nails. Now I will make tea. I have tea almost every night, It keeps me in a routine. I submitted my yoga retreat submission. I spent a fair amount of time on it, I am excited for the outcome to come in my favor. I want to shower tonight. Just a body shower. I will make my bed. There's no point in cleaning my room. I also need to hang my decor up in my car hehe. 1.Money is an unlimited resource and it's flowing my way 2. Money is an unlimited resource and it's flowing my way 3. Money is an unlimited resource and it's flowing my way Topic: Climate Change! [How can we sustain our planet My idea: We stop manufacturing the plastic grocery bags that are used in produce. I would create a law that states companies and factories must stop producing these plastic bags. I don't want to watch a movie tonight. I feel like a kid. Yoga is my life at this point. I make no money currently. How to get famous on DePop . Maybe I'll watch an inspirational movie to make myself feel something. Okay I'm going to watch the movie Yesterday I haven't seen it yet. I want to start going to more fashion shows. I will do that with my friends! I will teach myself how to get better at analyzing . I want to read more psychology books. I will go to the library in the morning before my appointment I just finished the movie Yesterday. I wonder how much guilt he feels for keeping everything a secret. Remember that guy at the concert that stayed late and the woman stalking him and his friend at the cemetery, well I have a feeling the same situation happened to them! Like they got into an accident and certain things aren't in the world anymore. 11:44pm I need to find hotels to stay in on the way to Seattle. God I hope I don't run into snow, I'd be dead.

Tomorrow's to-do list:

8:00am: Yoga, make breakfast (2 eggs and chives and 1 slice of toast with a water bottle and iced coffee), make bed, get ready, and hang decor up on car

11:30am: Pack snacks and another coffee. Begin skate to tattoo parlor

12:00pm: appointment

3:00pm: Lunch (Leftover falafel plate)

5:30pm: Therapy appointment

7:00pm: Dinner, meditation, look for jobs

11:00pm: Bedtime

I find it fascinating I only know me in this moment. There's a scream telling me my perspective on life is all wrong and I can't be so selfish. Does the scream know I am sometimes left speechless? Goals: Direct a music video, become a podcaster, become a millionaire, learn how to retain information, make a magazine, More affirmations and notes based off a youtube video

I am worthy of receiving my blessings

I receive beautiful treatment

I am worthy of love , I am worthy of my success, and I way more than enough

Chakras that are associated with feeling and receiving& feminine energy: sacral, heart, and third eye

Energies get stuck in our bodies,

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