#me @ myself COULD BE SLASH

[f0rgetf0rgetting]

gerita yaoi i just cooked right now. at 1 in the morning, meaning right now.

#i rhink this is pretty biblically accurate and if you dorn see my vision i will kill you #slash………j #gerita #hetalia #hetalia fanart #aph italy #italy hetalia #feliciano vargas #aph germany #germany hetalia #ludwig beilschmidt #not tagging too much bc this is a doodle that took me like. fifteenish minutes (sadly) #i was timing myself to see if i could draw this under five minutes. miserably failed

[tomwambsgans]

tomgreg is about the fantasy of being able to find someone who genuinely likes that you're mean and in fact thrives very well being needed in the particular kind of fucked up way that you need someone which makes it so you don't actually have to work that much to strip away your superiority complex in order to be loved for who you are

#mine #tomgreg #like wait i can kind of very openly see you as an extension of myself and you LIKE it? jackpot #(slash pos obviously there's a lot of nuance here and tom is very selfless underneath it all) #anyway genuinely tho i do feel like a bit of their thesis is very purposefully lacking the notion of self-improvement #like tom def does work to change the parts of himself that harm greg - WHEN he learns that they do #but there's a certain like. ok maybe it's just me and my personal revelations #in any case those revelations are that it's NOT necessarily the goal for every person and every relationship to be any particular #idea of 'healthy' #like yeah sure MAYBE if greg went to therapy and if he really WANTED to he could become someone who didn't tolerate #the way that tom as a closeted man is only able to express affection #but like... if he CAN tolerate it... if he's pathologically WIRED. even. to tolerate it #then is it really harmful? #if it's love and if both parties are willing and passionate is it REALLY bad? does it REALLY need to change? #maybe the diversity of the human condition simply includes #that what's horrible for one man is ideal for another #and that includes the people you love. idk

[burinazar]

……

i…………feel bad about………something. the same thing as earlier. ugghh I hate how much this bugs me

#and i keep making my brain into a hash re how specific I can be about this without making it worse by slash Being A Bully by talking abt it #so this post will stay comically unspecific. (once again: must note the person bothering me is not anyone reading this.) but. #man. i wish i could count on more people to be like ‘yeah screw em!!!’ about stuff on my behalf when someone has got on my bad side #i sort of ruin that for myself by introducing everyone to everyone else #so no one is going to go ‘ugh I hate this faceless person who is stressing out my friend Ebil’ for me #because I haven’t left people faceless to them #it feels like a punishment for always trying to help folks meet new people? lol #feels unfair as fuck. if I didnt do that for ppl then it’d be way easier for me to get away from folks who bothered me #but of course im the one being unfair

[laulo821]

being so engaged with my friends' creations gives me the friendship imposter syndrome. which basically is "am i really enjoying their content/art or am i just so attention depraved that i do anything to be their friends, including by heavily engaging w their outputs (thus being a form of manipulation, trapping them into liking me & staying my friend because i knowingly/purposely trigger their happy chemicals with my inputs)"

#rambling #is this only me? #btw i do like their content/art #i don't force myself to endure their content/art if i happen not to like it #it's just that. idk. my dedication isnt fake either yknow #just my paranoia slash anxiety making me feel unworthy if i don't engage and makes me guilty if i engage #this is hell #and you can't blame that on the past 9pm thoughts cuz its been days im thinking about this #and we could also speak about the reciprocal but let's not ok? #also like . isn't the “do things to make friends happy” isnt like. the basis of friendship? WHY DO I FEEL WRONG FOR IT #am i so socially inapt #augh #rant

[aeide-thea]

every time an article of men's clothing is a little ill-fitted on me and there's an almost-identical women's version i wonder if i ought to just suck it up and get that instead—and that voice is the devil* talking

because (a) the ways it would 'fit me better' are also the ways it would be depressingly distractingly feminizing, like, that non-adherence to my actual form is doing important gender-affirming work for me! and (b) even if it looks like a plausibly androgynous garment on the female model, it always turns out to be noticeably not-actually-androgynous once i get it on—a scoopier neckline is the most common culprit but there's always something >:(

⸻ * disclaimer that i don't believe in the devil and i do generally want to avoid casually regurgitating christian turns of phrase but. you know. joci causa.

#context here is that i got a shirt on steep discount that is perfect in basically all ways except 4 length due 2 my being very short 4 a guy #i was SUCH an average girl height... 😔 that said women's clothing didn't fit my shoulders so like. problems either way really #anyway this post is just talking myself out of false nostalgia really #the grass is not greener on the other side!! it never was or will be!! #plan: we'll see if it shrinks in the wash/dryer and if it doesn't i do actually think it's livable‚ i'll probs just tuck it in anyway #slash i could always hem it if it really bugs me‚ i HAVE ever done that by hand and i did a good lasting job of it actually. #and yeah i AM patting myself on the back about that‚ who else is gonna talk me up in this beautiful bitch of a world if not me. #(very alternatively i could actually (re)learn 2 use the sewing machine that's here but like. is that likely.) #(gnothi seauton etc.) #journaling #sartorial #mundanities #what is gender we just don't know

[semercury]

What would be a good job for the world's ugliest, most untalented woman who cries way too easily? Must pay $10k a month.

#stuff sarah says #if i was just untalented and a crybaby i could just be an influencer #but im ugly. and also like. have a moral code #so thats not an option and why i had to specify that im ugly #anyway. indeed dot com forward slash jobs that dont make me want to kill myself #or something

[trashbaget]

.

#i…………i have……………i have a fucking DATE tomorrow !!! #im going on a motherfucking DATE tomorrow????? #not only am i going on a DATE tomorrow but im going on my FIRST?? DATE?? tomorrow??? AND I PLANNED IT??? kinda??? #bro. bruh. bra. breastie. ive got a motherfucking date tomorrow and >i< asked >him< out!???? #we’re gonna go to the store to get snacks and then we’re watching this christmas romcom that was filmed in my hometown that’s sposed to be #really shitty & we’re both such suckers for shitty movies aldhakdja. fuuuuuuuck. im going on a date tomorrow yall. what the fuck. WHAT THE F #yall im going on a date tomorrow. im. im so excited??? im so excited!!! i have a DATE?? tomorrow????? with a boy???? that i like??? and i??? #fuck what if we kiss!!??? what if we hold hands??!!! WHAT DO I WEAR !!!!?????!!!????!!!!!!??!!!!! #fuck what do i wear……………………ive got like sweaters? or this neat little turtleneck tank top? but what would i wear with it it’s freezing?? #i was thinking my overalls but uhh….is that like??? idk.. is that too casual slash not very dateish?? #what says This Is A Date but is still comfy enough that i can sprawl the fuck out on his couch to watch movies in the ideal position #wait………..i could…….i might use him as a pillow…….omgggggggg…….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that’s so fucking cute alfhskdjskfjsldndns #fuck i really hope he kisses me. idk. is rhat getting hopes up or something? ctrl^5can you tell i have issues letting myself be excited?ct^5 #it doesn’t matter!!! it’s exciting!!!! im excited!!!!!! i have a fucking date!!!!!!! with a guy i really like!!!!!!! and i wanna kiss him!!! #he’s just some guy #feeling very Oh GOD what if WHEN HE SEES ME—i like him and HE KNOWS IT???? about all this hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH #HOLY HEELLLLL!!!!!!! I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK???????????????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #oh my god what do i wear………..should i do makeup??? nahhh. i dont think im gonna. i wanna be as comfy as possible & im still experimental #fuckin. what if we kiss. what if we. you know. get together. and like i’ll have a boyfriend. holy shit what the fuck. i could have a boyfrie #i could have a boyfriend????? what the fucking hell????? what if it goes well and we kiss and he wants to get together???? how the hell do r #relationships start???? uggghhhhh!!!!!! writing about romance is so much easier than living it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can write meet cutes and #first kisses and getting togethers all day fucking long but FUCK if i’ve gotta go on a REAL LIFE DATE on my own!!????!!!!! #holy shit. i could go home for christmas and just be sat there like. 🧍they dont know that i have a boyfriend🧍 #wooooooaaaaaaahhhhhh. what a goddamn trip that will be. what the shit. holy fuck we could kiss??? we might kiss???? two besT FRIENDS???? #THEY MIGHT KISS????? THEY SHOULD KISS!!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLYYYYY SHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!!!! i have a date tomorrow. #🧍 #i— #i have a date tomorrow—

[gree-gon]

hmhhmm my hand is acting up so if it doesnt get better tmrw then i might have to skip a day or two on the 30 day reborn thing, or at least postpone it

#i hate not fulfilling it perfectly bcuz #sadly im a perfectionist #but i cannot push myself over the limits #we'll see how it goes but jmmm #me no likey not being able to draw #pokemon reborn #gon talks #i do have some fun edits slash animatics in my gallery that i could post tho

[wormwizerd]

what if i made poasts on my own damn blog.. haha just kidding....... unless?

#i'm just afraid that if i start posting my own shit i'll like overshare way way too much and instantly doxx myself lmfao #i mean i'm not anyone important but like. my sense of security you know. although. i guess i talk in the tags all the time hmmm #anyway i just came home from working out and now i'm going to eat as many boiled eggs as i can #i've heard carbs are a better post-workout snack but like... #well i mean i could really go for pancakes ngl..........but it IS the middle of the night. slash early morning and i shouldn't be noisy #i am trying 2 be proud of myself for working out! i am keeping a habit. very poorly and inconsistently. but i AM doing it!!! #off my own accord no less! #more self-directed than i have ever been in my life tbh #anyway fuck it we ball it's pancake time my dad can deal with noise. he only has to put up w me til the end of the summer anyway

[crepusculum-rattus]

okay okay okay… i have been. Considering making blogs for some of the deities bc i think it would be funny to make phil interact w the deities who r still around….. but at the same Time i don’t want to be talking only to myself LMAO

#bc like.. he can technically interact w rose and ocean overlord for Sure #ender??? eh not rlly. that guy is Dead #blaze empress??? i mean. probably. #BASICALLY any mutuals want to join my fun?? #bc i think we could have lots of fun together :3c #if not. i’ll just end up making the blogs myslef eventually #but this is an invitation #and also like a… heyyyyyyy dm me <3 we can actually work out some kind of plot if You Want To #this is all slash not forced bc i will talk to myself if no one wants to ^v^ #i’m just.. i like talking to the mutuals :3c and we could be silly guys and gods together <3 #🐀 #thewingedtraveler

[thschei]

Translation here

— Once again...  The Doors of Paradise are opened... In the midst of sleep, the world she loves sinks… Down to the bottom of the water. As if beckoned by her hand at the end of a dream… The door was opened. Come ・ Down ・ To ・The ・ E ・ly ・si ・on — And then... her reality shattered... Tell me, Papa... In Paradise, will my body still hurt? She asks questions over and over again. Her never-ending fascination with 『Paradise』 Ah... the girl can no longer see...  The corpse lying beside her... Closed door ... the man's wildest dreams became a cruel reality. Cross talk ... the girl's reality became a fantastical dream. Closed door ... the man's paradise became an eternal abyss. Cross talk ... the girl's abyss became a momentary paradise. ... Papa, In Paradise, will my heart still heart? Hey, Papa...

#erin talks #video #SH #erin's music rec tag #long post #sorry with the post + the tags this will get long 😭 I tried to pare down the lyrics but this is as little as I could get myself to include #I could put the whole song translation under a read more but that wouldn't be subjecting my followers to laurant propaganda comma would it #I used this yt video bc it has a summary in the description but I don't like the translation as much as the one I linked 🙏🏻 #I love the structure of this song & how it introduces the album; the batshit guitar solo over strings; the imagery of Abyss crawling across #the snow& his blood laying a breadcrumb trail of “sin” ; 3RD STORY ALBUM LOST (2002) REFERENCE!!! 🎉🎉🎉 ; El asking if she'll stop being in #pain in paradise... gee I wonder why that resonated with me (slash s) ; 『その屍体が…😔😔😔』 & then another batshit guitar solo #revo I will love you forever and ever ; the mirroring of El and Abyss opening/closing the doors to heaven & hell as they die over & over #the subtle vocal layering over 楽園となる (also I miss Aramary </333) ; the instrumental lowering & addition of birds chirping #in the bridge ; the final door closing... I want to eat this album & it be part of me forever #listening to this song always makes me miss having the erinselysion url even tho since I used it in middle school it feels v juvenile now

[an1malcannibal]

(Starts overthinking horrifically abt my relationships) I think I hauve Covid

#I CAN FINALLY KILL MYSELF!!!!!!! #slash jay #no but fr idk I think I’m clinically insane #like actually #I wish I could blame some specific disorder but I won’t #I think my brain wants me to die #but i stay silly :3 #it’s amazing how easily I can convince myself that my closest friends hate me #like logically I know it makes no sense #but boy howdy #is that brain effective

[ohbutwheresyourheart]

.

#two days #two days back at work #slash in the real world #and i'm already so fucked i could take a long walk off a short pier #i hate it #i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it #it's not even a bad day/week/month/whatever #it's knowing it will never fucking get better #i will never get better #because the SECOND something goes right for me #the world follows it up with a kick to the head #like really??? you thought your life was looking up???? you stupid fucking idiot???? #i want to scream #i HAVE screamed #and hit my head so much i probably gave myself some form of brain damage #because why not #why the fuck not

[aeide-thea]

the problem with having semi-fixed my sleep schedule is that now there’s all this day i hear i’m supposed to do things with???

#the learned helplessness is SO bad i’m just like. sitting here blankly #it’s a LOVELY blue and green and breezy day #76 going up to 78 #probably i should go on a bikeventure but the prospect sounds so exhausting lol #even though realistically the nice thing abt biking is like. if you get tired yr already sitting down #anyway usually i try 2 draw a bit of a veil over my total hideous uselessness #but i think like. if i can’t even admit to it anonymously on a site full of other strugglers how am i ever supposed to face or tackle it #and if you guys think poorly of me for it‚ well‚ it’s not like you’ll think anything more cutting than i’ve already thought abt myself #actually probs what i SHOULD do is finish changing over the tires on my bike #i got gatorskins last summer and swapped out one and then didn’t do the other‚ lol #and i’m pretty sure the remaining bontrager tire is like. FULLY punctured in spots at this point #could also stand to clean and relube my bike chain… might just cheat and use the combo product again lol #probs none of this would actually even take THAT long but i keep putting it off out of laziness #anyway am currently supervising feline yard exploration but like. could in theory multitask #slash eventually she WILL want to go in for lunch #but yeah tl;dr having even yr most harmless impulses hypercorrected from childhood on… #WILL eventually mean you stop trying to direct yr own life‚ or even being in touch with yr own impulses #you heard it here very not first #and when eventually the ppl controlling you either die or run out of preconceived hoops to chivvy you thru… you’re just. there. drifting #🍃

[scrambled-eggsed]

.

#okay well im unwell #this might be long #im so stressed and i dont know how to explain this #i almost tried explaining this to a friend but eventually i didnt bc its so. stupid slash worrying slash. worrying af #basically. yesterday i saw someone i knew. in an unlikely circumstance #and for DAYS before i told myself she was gonna be there and theres no way she wont and shell definitely be there #i cant stress enough how much this is a result of a stupid/fucked up obsession thats been going on for nearly two years #there was LITERALLY NO WAY to know that shell be there at that time and i tried telling myself that #but the thought was still there for genuinely a week? two weeks? more????? #and then she was there. like i walk into the Place and bam she walks in right after i do #PURE COINCIDENCE. I haven't spoken w her in almost a year. it was a random place and a random time and the chances of us both going there #on the same day at the same time is so so. unlikely.... #and its been eating at me since i saw her yesterday morning. this really is a LONG obsession and sunday was a hard day and ive been feeling #basically unstable as shit all week since. and now this and i dont know what to think #its not like i have any history of hallucinating shit but this is making me so nervous and i dont have anyone who knows the full story #(like full full story and its a LONG story and its either complicated or just difficult to tell) #that i could talk to and they could talk me out of panicking rn. so im inching ever closer to a panic attack #itd be unreasonable as shit to text her and ask if she was actually there. like theres a billion reasons thatd be a stupid thing to do #but this is really upsetting to me and ive got nothing to do but think it over and over and make myself even more stressed out #the closest ill be able to actually talk to a person about this would be Wednesday and even then it probably wont happen bc id have to #fill them in about the whole story that led to me being super fucking nervous about coincidentally meeting someone somewhere #i might cry

[captaine-carter]

Still unsure why there’s so little slash in the Star Trek Strange New Worlds fandom. Really feels like a show built for it, so many attractive female characters who give off strong queer vibes

#seriously #why are there almost no Uhura slash fic out there? #I feel like there's more in the ST:TOS fandom #and this Uhura feels way queerer to me #And why would you possibly try to pair up Chapel with Spock when you could have her paired with literally any lady on the ship????????? #This is both to the creators of the show and the creators of fanfic #like I don't understand #Every time I see that I'm like how are you attracted to him when you could date Una #or Uhura or Ortega or La'an #like so many opportunities squandered #I watched the first episode of the show and I was like I could ship all of these ladies #like I am ready to throw myself behind any of these relationships the show wants to support #and then they were like no straight couples only #we will make all of these ladies canonically queer #even when they weren't before #and then only let them have relationships with men #And then I think surely fanfic will save me #only to find out the actually perfection that is Una and La'an only has 22 fics #And no one seems to be writing Uhura paired with any ladies?!?!? #Like how? #I just cannot comprehend this nonsense #ST:SNW