Phil posted an announcement in his Discord.
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A cropped screenshot of a Discord message by Ph1LzA. It reads “Hey guys @/everyone I’m sure many of you know Shelby (shubble) came forward about abuse she had suffered at the hands of Wilbur during their relationship. After watching her stream last week myself and Kristin immediately reached out in dm’s to show our support. As you can imagine I am deeply saddened by all this, I’m struggling even now to put this all into words, so I ask that you please support shelby and other victims and I will still do my best to make my streams a safe space for everyone. Believe victims. always.”
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Sorry I've been MIA lately. Mental health is a bit blah at the moment. I think maybe because psych's are focusing on a new diagnosis and neglecting my pre-existing anxiety. Hopefully it gets better when I bring it up with them and we put anxiety back on the map. Hoping to be able to focus on writing soon, but my mental health comes first.
Thanks everyone for you patience. 💜
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if you don’t love me (lie to my face)
dan heng x gn!reader (past dan feng x reader)
he wants you to see him beyond the shadow that his previous incarnation cast. he wants to push you away, wants to hold you close, wants to hear his name spill from your lips without the taint of another man’s name. he wants you, but you cannot bring yourself to let go of the past.
angst
“Stop looking at me like that.”
You tilt your head, feigning obliviousness. “Like what?”
“Like that,” he huffs, averting his eyes uncomfortably to the horizon, if only so he may escape the longing, almost melancholic sheen that glazes over your eyes whenever you look at him.
“Sorry,” you sigh, but you make no move to tear your gaze away from the sight of him, drinking in every detail, cataloguing which ones are the same and which ones leave you mournful for the differences that shatter the illusion of a time gone by. “It’s just hard, sometimes, to look at you and not imagine someone else.”
He frowns at your words. “I’m not him.”
You smile, something brittle at the edges of it. “I know.”
“He’s gone,” he grits out.
“I know.”
“I won’t—”
“Dan Heng.”
He pauses at the sound of his name, turning his head and meeting your eyes again. You’re smiling, but there’s a fragility to it, like broken glass pieced together haphazardly, threatening to shatter at the slightest touch. It’s maddening to look at you and feel the acute sense of his heart twisting within his chest whenever he so much as catches a glimpse of you.
He doesn’t want to feel this way, hates feeling this way. Any connection to that man, any ties and bonds and whatever emotions you once made Dan Feng feel—he doesn’t want it. He wants none of the headiness and the weightlessness and the warmth that spreads through his body that it feels as though it could encompass the entirety of his soul.
But you make him want to want so fiercely it leaves him breathless and little frightened.
He wishes you never approached him, wishes you never got close to him, wishes you never directed such looks his way.
But mostly, he wishes you weren’t so easy to like (easy to love).
“I know, okay? I know you’re not him, but—” You close your eyes, fighting for composure, and when you open them again, he is met with a gaze full of hope and regret. “But just this once, just for a few seconds, could you let me pretend?”
Dan Heng feels his throat tighten, his heart falling with no one to catch it, because you’re not truly seeing him, no. You’ve never seen him for who he is, only the man who continues to haunt his every waking moment. Even now, he feels the weight of Dan Feng’s past mistakes and regrets heavy on his shoulders with the way you’re looking at him, pleading with him for a chance to relive a time long gone.
He knows he shouldn’t, if only so he may spare his heart, and yet—and yet, he is a fool.
However much he wants to deny this—deny you—he has always been weak when it comes to matters regarding you and the emotions you’ve managed to instill within him.
So Dan Heng nods, unable to look you in the eye, but he doesn’t need to see you to feel the way you slump against him in relief, arms winding around his shoulders in a mockery of a lover’s embrace.
This is madness. A foolish endeavor. He should have said no. Should have vehemently denied any sort of connection with that man. Should have turned you away the moment you began reminiscing your time with that man whenever you became lost in old memories and grief.
And yet, he does none of this, because he is weak, because he has gone soft, because—
Because he loves you.
He loves you, so he lets you hold him the way you must have held that man.
He loves you, so he lets you imagine him as someone else.
He loves you, so he lets you bury your face in his shoulder and murmur a name that isn’t his.
“Dan Feng…”
Dan Heng closes his eyes and dreams of a day where you will finally look at him without seeing another man’s face.
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