#luke morrow x y/n

[mads-weasley]

Let Me Help You

Luke Morrow x Wife!Reader

A/N: I looooved this movie, so I had to write a fic for Luke! In this fic, the reader is his real wife (no fake marriage thing)! Enjoy!

Summary: When Luke gets home after a long day, a scary situation leads to the couple having a heart to heart.

Warnings: none!

(y/e/c) - your eye color

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Luke woke at the repetitive sound of the alarm clock beside him that read 7:00am. Running a hand down his face, he silently peeled back the covers and grabbed his brace from the side of the bed. He worried about the sound from the velcro straps waking you up, but little did he know that you were already awake, a headache waking you up at 5 that morning.

With a suppressed grunt, he stood up and reached for his cane, slowly walking towards the bathroom. He got ready in silence before walking back into their bedroom.

"I love you, baby. I'll see you later," he whispered, leaning down and kissing her temple.

(Y/n) rolled over to face him, smiling softly. "I love you, too. Have fun working out. Don't overdo it."

Mirroring her smile, he nodded and said another 'I love you' as he closed the door behind him. The second the door shut, (y/n) sunk back into the pillows, sighing as she messaged her temples. At that moment, she knew that day would be a long one.

The drive home wasn't short enough for (y/n) after her miserable day at work. Since that morning, her migraine had only worsened, slowly becoming debilitating as the day went on. She probably had checked her watch over a hundred times before her shift was over.

As she walked through the door, she was attacked by Peaches, the golden retriever's barks increasing the ever-present pounding in her head.

"Hey, girl," (y/n) cooed quietly, scratching behind Peaches' ear lovingly. "I've missed you."

After popping a few ibuprofen...or five, she went through the cabinets in search of ingredients to use for dinner, even though she felt nauseous herself. She knew when Luke came come that he would be starving after a day of physical therapy and his own training to get back in shape.

Even though she felt like she could fall over any second, she continued her search. Deciding on chicken alfredo penne, she started the noodles and began making the sauce when the shrill ringing of her phone pierced her ears.

White hot pain filled her vision and she shut her eyes tightly as she answered the phone.

"Hello."

"Hey, (y/n/n). I just wanted to let you know that I'm on my way home."

Her headache seemed to dull slightly at the sound of her husband's voice. "Okay. I'm making dinner right now, but I'll see you in a few. Love you."

Luke moaned quietly at the thought of food. "That sounds amazing. I love you, too. Bye."

A few minutes had passed when Luke's keys jangled in the door. (Y/n) was too focused on the pan in front of her and simply staying upright that she didn't hear him call out to her. She gasped slightly when he wrapped his arms around her stomach, resting his chin on her head.

Leaning down, he kissed her temple. "Hey, sweetheart. I missed you today."

(Y/n) turned around in his arms, thankful that he was there to ground her. The second he saw the dark circles under her eyes and the pale complexion that covered her normally vibrant face, he knew something was wrong. With furrowed brows, he cupped eyes her cheeks and looked deeply into her eyes. In her (y/e/c) irises, he saw complete exhaustion and something else behind them that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, rubbing her hair gently.

(Y/n) nodded, willing her eyes to stay open after another wave of nausea hit her. "Yeah, I'm fine," she whispered. "I'm just tired."

Although he was unconvinced at her feeble attempt to convince him, he didn't push her. "Alright. How about I finish off dinner? You go lay down, babe."

"You shouldn't be standing up for long periods, Luke."

Luke shook his head. "I'll be fine. Go," he whispered.

(Y/n) pecked his cheek, bending down to pet Peaches. "Your daddy is just the best husband ever, isn't he, Peaches?"

Luke's laugh seemed to ease some of the tension in her head, but when she stood up, the world started to sway under her feet. Darkness danced around her vision as she tried to stay upright. Just before she succumbed to unconsciousness, she was able to breathlessly call out.

"Help," she muttered, causing Luke to whip around just in time to see her limp body falling to the floor.

His heart stopped beating. "(Y/n)!"

Reaching out for her, he cursed when he couldn't get there in time because of his leg. She landed with a thud on their hardwood floors, and he was thankful that her head didn't hit hard. Luke quickly slid down next to her, ignoring the pain in his leg and pulling her to sit up against his chest.

"(Y/n)!" he cried, rubbing her cheeks. "Baby, wake up. Come on!"

His eyes began to burn as he held back tears at (y/n)'s unconscious form in his arms. "Please wake up. Please."

A few moments later, her eyes fluttered open, and Luke let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He quickly wiped a tear that leaked out of his eye before she could see it.

Looking around them in confusion, she asks, "What happened?"

"Y-You passed out, (y/n/n). How are you feeling?"

"Dizzy," she responds, holding her head in her hands.

Luke scans her face. "What's really going on?"

With a sigh, she closed her eyes. "My migraines are back."

"(Y/n), why didn't you tell me?" he asks quietly, pulling her close to cradle her head on his chest.

"I just didn't think it was important," she answered, looking at the floor.

"It is important."

"Well, you're in so much pain from your leg and I just have a stupid headache."

Gently moving so he could face her, he put a finger under her chin to lift it. "(y/n)," he started, not breaking eye contact. "You are everything to me. Don't ever compare your pain to mine. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean you have to always be okay. Remember what you always tell me?"

She nodded.

"It's okay to let people help you. To let me help you. So let me take care of you, please."

Sighing, she nodded before pecking his lips softly. "I love you, Luke."

"I love you, too, (y/n). Now let's get you to bed." He whispered, helping her up. "I would carry you if I could."

She weakly smiled at him, leaning on him for stability as he led her to their bedroom. "I know, commando. I know."

Tag List:

@juliapalka @thatwh-0-re @just-my-obsession-things @dayan281198 @drizzyreese @lilfoxyqueensworld @arianagrandes-things @peaches-and-sunshine @writerslove2403 @paigewinchester67 @1uv4yyu @k-1s-things @happypersonalya @clovurst @hirokosoul @icarusignite @luv4jeno @eddiesslvtt @shatteredrosess @hermionesbookshelf @itskarlaaaaaa @soff2122 @loser4everrr @mimiroe @holy-macncheese-balls @annrose799 @kheavnlyy @relaxedrelique @readingbookelf

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

#luke morrow x you #luke morrow x y/n #luke morrow imagine #luke morrow x reader #luke morrow #purple hearts #purple hearts 2022 #purple hearts x reader #purple hearts imagine #luke morrow imagines #hurt/comfort #fluff #luke morrow fluff #luke morrow angst

[aphrodisiac-siren]

Dynasty of Flames

Aemond Targaryen x Targaryen-Royce Reader

Summary: Being born into the most respected and equally feared houses in the realm made people look up to you as if you were a god and the devil himself, in equal measure. People say that when a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin; and when news of the birth of Daemon’s firstborn- a girl, spread, people could only wait in anticipation to see which side of the coin faced up during her birth. 

Aemond slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, letting his guard down

Warnings: Incest (duh)

Part 1, part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Part 6

Y/N heaved a sigh of relief once she was within the comfort of her quarters after the hearing. She closed her eyes for a moment to process everything that had happened. How Luke almost lost his claim, how she argued back with Vaemond, how he insulted the boys, when he publicly insulted the princess Rhaenyra, how Daemon took his head for it.

She was terrified at first; not by the sight of Vaemond's disembodied figure crumpled on the floor but for what might happen to her father for killing a lord in the presence of the king and other nobles.

Daemon was not charged with anything and was let off the hook without a single consequence of his impulsive decision.

The princess walked to her bed and sank into the soft mattress and covers, taking a moment to close her eyes. After a few moments she turned toward the little table by her bed and stretched out her hand to grab the letter she had noticed was passed from under the foot of her door when she'd woken up. She was in a hurry in the morning to make it to the throne room on time so she hadn’t read the letter at the time.

She curiously eyed the seal that held the parchment shut. It was a blue-coloured wax seal that had the symbol of a dragon wing. The princess carefully pried apart the paper so that she might read the note and at first glance, she immediately knew who it was from.

It wasn't the language that was used, but the handwriting that gave it away. It was his handwriting. Y/N was a bit confused as to what he had written and why he felt that it was necessary to pen it down instead of just telling her: she was quite literally only a few steps away from him. But then again, she doubted after last night's conversation he would want to talk in person; she had of course stormed off from him.

Her eyes skimmed over the words and she, subconsciously, began to read the note in his voice.

"Ñuha dōna Y/N, nyke jaelagon naejot gīda skoros mirre īlon ȳdragotan nūmāzma mōrī bantis. Iksan vaoreznuni syt se mijegindita ñuhoso nyke dīnagon ezīmagon udra skoros iksin isse ñuha bartos, nyke gōntan daor nūmāzma naejot vēdros ao."

"My sweet Y/N, I wish to clear whatever we talked about last night. I apologise for the poor choice of words and an even poorer attempt at wording my thoughts, it was not my intention to offend you."

Y/N continued to read and then immediately sat up as she read aloud the latter part of the letter, wincing inwardly.

"Kesan sagon olvie biare naejot rhaenagon isse se Godswood gō īlon bartos naejot se dēmalion tistālion, se kessa olvie vaoresagon naejot ȳdragon isse issaros"

"If we could meet in the Godswood before the hearing, I would be most appreciative and would much prefer to talk in person"

The girl slowly folded the paper and heaved a sigh, now wishing she had read the letter on the morrow. She quickly put the letter under her pillow and stood up from the bed, wasting no time in pushing open her doors to go find Aemond. Y/N was a bit hesitant as she neared his chambers, especially after she had ignored him all morning and unintentionally left him to await her arrival at the Godswood.

But no matter, she would be honest and tell him that she hadn’t read the letter until, well, now.

She'd only knocked thrice before she heard the sound of footsteps, indicating that whoever was in there was getting closer to the door.

As soon as the heavy wooden door swung inward to open, Aemond's lips parted ever so slightly when he took notice of who was awaiting him on the other side of the door. Y/N was the last person he was expecting.

"Princess" he greeted curtly "lost your way perhaps?"

"I know my way around the keep quite perfectly thankyou" the girl briskly responded which made Aemond chuckle "I got your note, though I could not find time to read it in the early hours of the morrow. I only just broke the seal and discovered your wish to see me in the Godswood"

Aemond's expression softened.

"Well, nice to know you did not intentionally leave me awaiting your arrival all morning" his piercing gaze never wavered and he was rather impressed by how unfazed she was by it "I was on my way to the dragon pits. After such an eventful morning, I wish to go for a short flight around the city"

"Ah" Y/N simply smiled. She too used flying as an escape from the world sometimes; riding on dragon back was rather therapeutic "I shall leave you be then my pr-

"Would you care to join me?" he quickly asked before he could change his mind "after all, you do owe me the pleasure of your company after you had me wait for you all morning"

"Unintentionally"

"Unintentionally" Aemond repeated. Word of the day, he thought.

Y/N hadn’t informed her family of her plans with Aemond. Luke was reaffirmed as Lord of the tides and she wanted them to joyously celebrate it instead of ruining their day by announcing that she was going to spend her time with someone they all seemed to dispise.

Y/N was a bit hesitant at first, to make herself seated in the sadle atop Vhagar. The dragon was known to be quite hot-tempered and hostile but Aemond assured her that Vhagar wouldn’t hurt her at all if it was accompanied by him. So, Y/N just took his word for it and climbed into the saddle, Aemond following soon after and seating himself behind her. He snaked his arms around her waist to grab ahold the reigns that would allow for him to control the large beast.

"You aren’t afraid, are you?" he asked as he leaned closer, his lips brushing against the shell of Y/N's ear "of Vhagar?"

"Do you wish for me to be?" she asked with a smirk.

"You'd be a fool not to" he grinned as Vhagar stretched her long, leathery wings.

"Are you afraid, my prince?" Y/N asked, gripping the saddle as she felt the Dragon jolt violently, signalling that she was getting ready to take flight.

"I am not" he responded.

"Then I suppose that makes us both fools" Y/N turned so that she might steal a glance at him and that resulted in their noses bumping. Aemond leaned away at first, not expecting to have her face merely inches away from his and Y/N grinned at this before turning around just as Aemond asked for Vhagar to take to the skies.

"Soves, Vhagar"

Y/N closed her eyes as she basked in the familiar sensation of the cool breeze blowing against her face, like the wind was peppering her with kisses. She hummed to herself, leaning back into Aemond's chest which felt as rigid as the back of a chair.

Aemond could feel her body move slightly as she heaved a long sigh of contentment. He let go of the reigns and pried her fingers off the saddle to bring her arms to the sides, outstretched.

At first, Y/N gripped his hands, shifting in her seat a little so that she could balance herself even though she knew she was securely chained to the saddle and there was no way she would fall out. Eventually, she loosened her grip and gently rested her comparatively smaller hand in his large one.

Aemond liked the feeling of her soft cool skin against her warm hand, her fingers delicately brushing along his skin as she faced her palms outward to feel the wind hitting against it. Aemond ran his fingers along her knuckles, refusing to break away from the contact. He didn’t know why he was craving the sensation of skin against skin. It was like someone had set a fire ablaze in his chest and the only thing who soothed those flames was her touch.

He was a bit happy that he had forgotten his riding gloves that day.

"Y/N" he leaned in again so that she might better heard him amidst the wind "about last night, I did not wish to imply that I would marry you because it was something I believed to be merely obliged to do"

The princess didn’t respond but she tilted her head slightly, her cheek brushing against Aemond's lips, signifying that she was paying attention.

"You are the blood of the dragon and you deserve nothing less than what befits the gods. I can provide for you, ensure and contribute to your happiness" Aemond made a bold move and slid one arm around her waist, relaxing his tense frame "I only wish the best for you, something I can and will give to you, willingly"

Y/N listened to him intently as her pulse began to quicken.

"No mere lord in the realm would cherish you as much as I do, my dearest friend. I would kill for you, conquer cities for you. You've stood at my side when I had no one and I promise to stay by yours just the same" he continued. He remembered all the horrible marriages within this house: his own mother’s to the king, a marriage that had broken the family. His older brother and sister's, a marriage in which the both of them barely spoke. Daemon and Rhaenyra's, a marriage that was deemed scandalous. Aemond never really expected for anyone to love him, not after his injury but he did have something far more precious that none of the others had: a genuine friendship "the both of us, together, we will be vehement. I am more than willing to take my closest friend as wife because I couldn’t see a more suitable match"

Aemond, this time, deliberately brushed his lips against Y/N's skin, right behind her earlobe which made her shudder.

"I am willing to marry you not solely out of duty. I am willing to do so because I believe we can restore our house to its complete glory"

taglist: @ladybug0095 @sahvlren @bunny24sstuff @dellalyra @ellabellabus07

#aemond targaryen #ewan mitchell #ewan nation #hotd #house of the dragon #tom bennett #world on fire #aemond #aemond smut #aemond x you #aemond headcanons #aemond x fem!reader #aemond x y/n #daemon targaryen #daemon smut #aegon targaryen #aegon smut

[dany-is-my-queen]

A Question of Loyalty VI

Rhaenyra Targaryen x reader, Alicent Hightower x reader

Word count: 1.8k

Summary: When dragons of green and dragons of black dance, you have to choose the color that suits you best.

A weary sigh escaped your lungs as the sun set, the remnants of the reddish orange sun fading sublimely.

If Daemon hadn't killed your uncle, you have known what he was talking about. But he took it to his grave, he was in a rage that surely would have been that and not something serious.

You prayed for his soul in the Godswood for he was a member of your family despite his eagerness to bury your father.

“My lady.” A familiar voice came from behind, it was hoarse. “I wanted to thank you for your support back in the Throne Room. I knew you would root for my cause.”

“I didn’t do it for you, Rhaenyra. I did it for Lucerys.” You coldly replied.

“Right, yeah. I still very much appreciate your vote of confidence towards us.” You gave her a once-over.

Rhaenyra had a look of burden all over her, years ago you would ask her what was wrong, then help her to ease her turmoil but now, you just let the silence settle in.

“I want to name her like you.” She spoke, massaging her belly.

“I do not know if I’m worthy of such honor.”

“You are, Y/N.”

“Are you certain she’ll be a girl?”

“I’m counting on it.” You smiled faintly, it didn’t reach your eyes. You tried damn hard to disguise your hurt, the princess read your unreadable thoughts and aimed to grab your hands, out of instinct you recoiled before she could, she jerked back.

“My father is dying. But I noticed that his model city was immaculate. I don't think Alicent cared so much about cleaning it, or sending someone to do it. I thank your for it.”

“It is a sad thing, that the King is in such condition. But Queen Alicent has been seeing to the Realm’s interests. She’s doing her duty to the Kingdoms by ruling them wisely.” Rhaenyra sneered.

“Has she now? She meant to set aside Luke, your brother’s son… how is that doing a good job?”

“My brother’s son…” You mimicked, her gaze piercing as a dagger. “Laenor is dead. Cuckolded, you married your uncle, Rhaenyra. Why?”

“Y/N…—“ Tremendous amount of guilt invaded Rhaenyra, oh how she wished she could come clean about the truth of him.

“He was a far better man than Daemon will ever be. Even Harwin was. How could you?”

“Would you have wedded me?”

“What?”

“You’ve heard me. Would you’ve let me take you as my wife after Laenor’s demise?”

“That’s nonsense…”

“To me it never was, Y/N. With your brother gone, I had to strengthen my line. I had to—“

“You needn’t have to if you hadn’t mothered bastards!” She had no right to be offended, and you didn’t mean ill will towards the lads, she winced angrily for a second before she went softer. You still cared for her, she knew.

“We never tried, Y/N. We could never. I needed heirs, you can’t hold that against me forever.”

“Your line is stronger than ever. You are to be the Queen. I do hope Daemon suffices. I hope he’s gentle to you and treats you right.” You stepped to leave the Godswood, the starry night already hanging on your heads. Rhaenyra’s eyes were narrowed as you walked past her, she nigh stopped you, but she chose not to.

-

In the morrow, Helaena randomly chatted about “trivial” stuff while the twins were playing on the other side of the room. You were trying to gain the Her Grace’s attention, hopefully she would walk in and you’d take the chance.

“The old High Septon told my father that king’s laws are one thing and the laws of the gods another, the boy said stubbornly. Children are made in a marriage bed and blessed by the Father and the Mother, but others are born of lust and weakness, he said. The grey-haired man claimed that some are born of love and devotion. Blessed with wisdom and kindness, a rare type. But a type nonetheless.” A queer, uncomfortable perplexity began to invade you as Helaena finished speaking.

“Helaena, do you mind elaborating? Where did you hear this? Or rather, read it. Is it about your sister’s children?” You started interrogating her with dread. She squinted at you with a calm countenance, as calm as midnight waves. “Sweet Helaena…” Clearly with no intention of further elaboration. You wouldn’t want to overstep her boundaries or make her uneasy, as you knew she would get.

You were nonplussed. It was rude of you to decline the invitation made by the King himself, but you couldn't bear to be at the same table with the two women, you couldn't bear the deadly looks, the comments. You couldn't deal with it now that this was unveiled to you.

Your mother Rhaenys was secluded in her chambers to wash the image of Vaemond's head split in two. You couldn't face her, not yet.

You had a hundred questions swirling around, you were bewildered, stupefied. It made sense now, it was clear. Your uncle was about to say that you were born of your father's affair with another woman, Helaena spoke in riddles on the same subject. You've been lied to all your life, you were not a legitimate child... It was too much.

You poured glass after glass, until you emptied the flagon thrice in a row, your head spinning and your movements unfocused. The young princess meant well, she thought you deserved to know the truth. She loved you, why would she made this up?

You were a bastard. You were a fucking bastard. Your father’s been keeping this from you since forever, did your mother.., no, did Rhaenys pretended to love you? No, she did love you. It did make sense now why you didn’t have a resemblance to her, or to any Targaryen, but… you didn’t look like Corlys either.

Who the hell was your real mother? Was she a whore, a noble lady? Did she care? Was she still alive? How did you bond with Silverwing if you were just a simple bastard? Endless questions plagued your mind as you kept on drinking them away, your vision blurred, your heart staggered.

You slurred your way around the Keep, not with a precise destination, barely able to stand on your feet. A pair of vigorous arms caught you.

“Y/N? What happened, why are you like this?” The Princess worriedly examined you. “How much did you drink?”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at her, maybe it was the booze in your system, or your inability to maintain eye contact with the culprit of your many heartaches.

“You skipped dinner with us, so you could get ridiculously hammered?” She nigh yelled at you, seldom did she act like the big woman, but given your state she could not talk softly to you.

“Leaving…— leaving without saying goodbye?” You managed to say.

“We are used to that.” Rhaenyra said back, your legs wobbly, her grip still stable in your waist, she pulled you closer to her.

“Ao gaomagon naejot fuck around rūsīr Harwin no isse these halls, sir rūsīr Daemon. Jāhor ziry mirre mōris?” (You used to fuck around in these halls with Harwin, and now with Daemon. Will it ever end?) You clumsy garbled in Valyrian. Rhaenyra bitterly sniggered.

“Hae lo ao weren't fucking se dāria pār, sepār raqagon ao issi sir.” (As if you weren't fucking the Queen then, just like you are now) She spat. You were wasted, and to be honest had no more vitality to keep on crossing swords with her.

“Let go of me, Rhaenyra.”

She hesitated, fearing that you would fall to the ground as soon as she loosened her grip, but you did not, you steadied your step and walked away from her as quickly as possible. The princess was puzzled, she should have accompanied you to your quarters, she should have, instead she turned to her children and her husband, determined to leave the city at once.

You ended up in front of a familiar wooden door, you thumped dramatically wishing the Queen could spare you some of her time. She did, she was still in her green gown, her locks were messy. She flinched at the sight of you.

“You stink of wine.” She uttered.

You’ve been here before, you remember being here under the same circumstances, and yet you couldn’t stop.

You pushed Alicent back to her bed, in your drunkenness you managed to be careful not to act so rudely.

She gasped, and did no more than contemplate the face of the woman she’s always been in love with. She’s always desired you, yearning to be yours again… she bit her lip rougher to halt herself to devour your inviting, redden lips.

You tucked yourself into the side of her neck, your breathing overflowing with craving. You were still intoxicated, but it was wearing off in a quick pace.

The noise you moaned next came from the depths of you. “Rhaenyra”

Alicent stiffened and fought with all her might to stop her hand from slapping you. Aware of the terrible blunder you had made, you buried even deeper into her, pressing tightly your body to hers.

“Go to her. I wager she’s still here.” She tried to shove you away, she could already feel the tears materializing.

Seeing the hurt written in her sobered you up in a blink of an eye. You finally spoke up, chests colliding.

"I wish I had long silver hair, striking blue eyes. I wish I had a free spirit, breaking all the damn rules no matter what the consequences. I wish I had a freaking dragon" Alicent shouted.

"I adore your chestnut locks, your deep brown eyes. I love how exquisitely you carry yourself when it comes to rules. And Silverwing took to you so well, why would you need a dragon?"

“So you would love me as much.”

“Ali…— Alicent.” She quivered under you at the way you pronounced her name. “I’m tired of this sickening game. I want us. I want you. It’s always been you. To me you're perfect just the way you are.” You weren't going to force her on you, so you stood up and rubbed your temples. "I am definitely not worthy of you now, Your Grace, but I will work on myself to give you a version that is, I vow to you." Alicent interlaced your fingers, preventing you from leaving the room.

“I’d ask you to stay the night, but I must look after the King.”

“I know, duty comes first.” She hummed.

“And I wouldn’t want my sheets to reek of you, bathe yourself. Have some rest. We can talk in the morrow.” A profound hopefulness made its way to you. You tittered, Alicent gave you a quick peck on the corner of the mouth, as you watched her fade into the castle halls.

Will love ever be the end of duty?

Tagging: @loveislove4 @evattude @lethal-minds @sophiexoxsblog @sunshove @tired-ninfa @rxscpctals @glorioushamsterqueen @lesbicentism @newcaptainofsquad9

#game of thrones fic #got #house of the dragon fic #hotd #rhaenyra targaryen x reader #rhaenyra x reader #rhaenyra targaryen #alicent hightower #alicent hightower x reader #alicent x reader #dragon queen

[rebelwrites]

Cop and the biker

Jax Teller x Reader

REQUESTED BY ANON // Hiii!!! Could I be able request a jax teller x reader! The reader is a police and she and Jax have a secret relationship and Gemma goes home to Jax and ses the reader there and you Recife the rest❤️ Thank you beautiful🥰🥰

“We have a noise complaint at Teller-Morrow again” Hale said.

Rolling your eyes at your phone as a text came through from Jax, locking your phone you pushed yourself up from the desk.

“I got it” You nodded, grabbing your car keys.

“Want me to join you partner?” Luke asked.

“Nah I got this” You nodded “It's only a noise complaint, and let's be honest you don’t have the skills to deal with samcro yet”

Grabbing your coffee, phone and radio you headed to your squad car.

The drive to the lot was quiet and it didn’t take you long to get there. Pulling into the lot you parked your car before grabbing your coffee and climbed out of your car.

“And wha do we owe this pleasure lass?” Chibs laughed draping his arm over your shoulder.

“Meh noise complaint” You shrugged “so I dunno maybe you can just tone it down for me please”

“Aye only fur you lass” Chibs smirked.

“Is blondie about, I need to speak to him about something” You smiled.

“JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAXXX” Chibs shouted, bursting your eardrum.

“A warning would be nice” You scoffed rubbing your ear. Before he could reply Jax appeared, a smirk appearing on his face as he saw you stood there. “Need to speak to you Teller”

“Come on then darlin’ lets go somewhere more quiet” He nodded hearing the seriousness in your voice.

“Roof?” You asked, making him nod at you.

The thing was yes you were part of Charming PD but you and Jax were also dating but no one knew. Even though you were police, you were more on Jax side and constantly fed information down from the top.

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight” Jax whispered as he offered you a smoke before linking his fingers with yours.

“Got some news and you need to hear this” You sighed.

“Whats up babygirl?” Jax said as he brushed his thumb over your hand.

“FBI are in town” You sighed “Stahl is looking at using RICO against you guys”

“Shit” Jax sighed as he inhaled on his smoke.

“I will try and get as much info as I can and feed it to you” You whispered leaning your head against his shoulder.

“I appreciate it darlin’ has anyone clocked onto our relationship yet” He asked

“Now I just play it as my partner doesn’t know how to manage you guys” You laughed. “I best get back to the station before they start asking questions”

“You still coming round tomorrow night?” Jax asked kissing your cheek “I’m thinking of cooking a nice meal and a movie”

“Want me to get the fire brigade on standby?” You laughed.

“Watch it you” He smirked, kissing you softly again.

-

You were fresh out the shower, and had just finished moisturizing. You wanted to tell the world about how you felt about Jax but it wouldn’t help with your job.

Pulling Jax’s SAMCRO shirt on you quickly braided your hair before making your way downstairs.

“Mmmm something smells amazing baby” You grinned as you wandered into the kitchen, what you didn’t expect was Gemma to be sat at the kitchen table with a coffee in hand.

“Baby why is the cop in your house wearing nothing but your shirt” She said.

This was it, the secret was out.

“I can explain ma” Jax said turning the stove off “So Y/N is my girlfriend and yes she is a cop”

“I cannot believe this you are literally getting into bed with a cop” Gemma snapped “What were you thinking?”

“Ma don’t start, we met when she was off duty and then I learned she is under Hale” Jax nodded “But where do you think we get all our intel from and are prepared like for the raid that Stahl did today”

Gemma pushed herself to her feet and walked over to you.

“You been feeding us info? She asked.

“Yeah and I try and make sure I am the only one dealing which complaints ect” You nodded feeling nervous.

“You could lose your job for this” Gemma said.

“I know” You nodded “But what I feel for Jax is true and honestly some of the bullshit charges that they are trying to pin on everyone and now with the RICO case I thought someone should be on SAMCRO’s side”

“You aren’t trying to screw Jax over are you? You aren’t getting him to trust you and then you shift all over him”

“Honestly Gemma I couldn’t have the heart to fuck him over” You nodded making eye contact with Jax “What I feel for your son I have never felt with anyone else, I couldn’t care less about what he has done or the fact that he has killed all I care about is how he makes me feel”

“Well then, I don’t need to worry” Gemma smiled “I will let you enjoy your evening”

As soon as the front door was closed Jax wandered over to you with a goofy smile on his face, placing his hands on your hips.

“So I make you feel things no one else has made you feel” He smirked pulling you as close to him as he could.

“Maybe” You giggled.

“Well how about I make you feel these things right now?” He said lowly brushing his lips against yours.

“What about dinner?” You asked.

“Fuck dinner, I want you”

#Jax Teller #Jax teller x reader #jax teller imagine #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy x reader #sons of anarchy imagine

[rebel-without-cause-x]

The Cop and The Biker 

Jax Teller x Reader 

REQUESTED BY ANON // Hiii!!! Could I be able request a jax teller x reader! The reader is a police and she and Jax have a secret relationship and Gemma goes home to Jax and ses the reader there and you Recife the rest❤️ Thank you beautiful🥰🥰

“We have a noise complaint at Teller-Morrow again” Hale said. 

Rolling your eyes at your phone as a text came through from Jax, locking your phone you pushed yourself up from the desk. 

“I got it” You nodded, grabbing your car keys. 

“Want me to join you partner?” Luke asked. 

“Nah I got this” You nodded “It's only a noise complaint, and let's be honest you don’t have the skills to deal with samcro yet” 

Grabbing your coffee, phone and radio you headed to your squad car. 

The drive to the lot was quiet and it didn’t take you long to get there. Pulling into the lot you parked your car before grabbing your coffee and climbed out of your car. 

“And wha do we owe this pleasure lass?” Chibs laughed draping his arm over your shoulder. 

“Meh noise complaint” You shrugged “so I dunno maybe you can just tone it down for me please” 

“Aye only fur you lass” Chibs smirked. 

“Is blondie about, I need to speak to him about something” You smiled. 

“JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAXXX” Chibs shouted, bursting your eardrum. 

“A warning would be nice” You scoffed rubbing your ear. Before he could reply Jax appeared, a smirk appearing on his face as he saw you stood there. “Need to speak to you Teller” 

“Come on then darlin’ lets go somewhere more quiet” He nodded hearing the seriousness in your voice. 

“Roof?” You asked, making him nod at you. 

The thing was yes you were part of Charming PD but you and Jax were also dating but no one knew. Even though you were police, you were more on Jax side and constantly fed information down from the top. 

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight” Jax whispered as he offered you a smoke before linking his fingers with yours. 

“Got some news and you need to hear this” You sighed. 

“Whats up babygirl?” Jax said as he brushed his thumb over your hand. 

“FBI are in town” You sighed “Stahl is looking at using RICO against you guys”

“Shit” Jax sighed as he inhaled on his smoke. 

“I will try and get as much info as I can and feed it to you” You whispered leaning your head against his shoulder. 

“I appreciate it darlin’ has anyone clocked onto our relationship yet” He asked 

“Now I just play it as my partner doesn’t know how to manage you guys” You laughed. “I best get back to the station before they start asking questions” 

“You still coming round tomorrow night?” Jax asked kissing your cheek “I’m thinking of cooking a nice meal and a movie” 

“Want me to get the fire brigade on standby?” You laughed. 

“Watch it you” He smirked, kissing you softly again. 

You were fresh out the shower, and had just finished moisturizing. You wanted to tell the world about how you felt about Jax but it wouldn’t help with your job. 

Pulling Jax’s SAMCRO shirt on you quickly braided your hair before making your way downstairs. 

“Mmmm something smells amazing baby” You grinned as you wandered into the kitchen, what you didn’t expect was Gemma to be sat at the kitchen table with a coffee in hand. 

“Baby why is the cop in your house wearing nothing but your shirt” She said. 

This was it, the secret was out. 

“I can explain ma” Jax said turning the stove off “So Y/N is my girlfriend and yes she is a cop” 

“I cannot believe this you are literally getting into bed with a cop” Gemma snapped “What were you thinking?” 

“Ma don’t start, we met when she was off duty and then I learned she is under Hale” Jax nodded “But where do you think we get all our intel from and are prepared like for the raid that Stahl did today” 

Gemma pushed herself to her feet and walked over to you. 

“You been feeding us info? She asked. 

“Yeah and I try and make sure I am the only one dealing which complaints ect” You nodded feeling nervous. 

“You could lose your job for this” Gemma said. 

“I know” You nodded “But what I feel for Jax is true and honestly some of the bullshit charges that they are trying to pin on everyone and now with the RICO case I thought someone should be on SAMCRO’s side” 

“You aren’t trying to screw Jax over are you? You aren’t getting him to trust you and then you shift all over him” 

“Honestly Gemma I couldn’t have the heart to fuck him over” You nodded making eye contact with Jax “What I feel for your son I have never felt with anyone else, I couldn’t care less about what he has done or the fact that he has killed all I care about is how he makes me feel” 

“Well then, I don’t need to worry” Gemma smiled “I will let you enjoy your evening” 

As soon as the front door was closed Jax wandered over to you with a goofy smile on his face, placing his hands on your hips. 

“So I make you feel things no one else has made you feel” He smirked pulling you as close to him as he could. 

“Maybe” You giggled. 

“Well how about I make you feel these things right now?” He said lowly brushing his lips against yours. 

“What about dinner?” You asked. 

“Fuck dinner, I want you” 

SOA TAGLIST

@chibsytelford @talicat713 @corebore123 @nothingeverdies @teapartydreams @mrspeacem1nusone @khyharah @itmejado @woahitslucyylu @beth-winchester21 @minnicelli @everyhowlmarksthedead @trulysuccubus @haynsey @witching-hour @destynelseclipsa @edonaspanca @abbiesthings @angelreyesgirl @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @jadesamhart @lady-pswrld @ly--canthrope @hennessyauntie @gemini0410 @i-love-scott-mccall @est11 @mystic-shadows42 @sugary-x-sweet @starrynite7114 @skyofficialxx @terminallygenius @sadeyesgf @lauraashley93 @leaalfred @angelreyesgirl89 @sheeshgivemeabreak @marquelapage @meteora-fc

#jax teller #jax teller x reader #jax teller imagine #jax teller one shot #jax teller fanfiction #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy x reader #sons of anarchy one shot #sons of anarchy imagine

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 1

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking,   2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

(note: I may have overrated some Hollywood blockbusters, like Marvel films, at a time when I was starved of the big budget spectacle coming off a time when I hadn't much time to watch movies. After nearly 30 volumes of new & old movies plus tv shows, I would not waste time or money or overhype my enjoyment of anything mainstream & popular just because all the bells & whistles woo'd me... I hope. Hey, I even avoided seeing the first new 20tens Star Wars reboot in theaters & on home video so far. That's saying  something. Maybe I restored some integrity even though I still have arguably cheesy taste.)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The People vs. George Lucas" *Case dismissed*  3 stars

"Flash Gordon" 1980 *Holy Joe Namath*  3 stars

"One Million Ac/Dc" *Psssss, wanna see naked pictures of your sister?*  3 stars

Jan Svankmajer "Conspirators of Pleasure"  3 stars

Kolchak The NightStalker"Horror in the Heights" *Sasquatch in disguise*  3 stars

"The Exorcist 3" starring George C. Scott and Brad Dourif *Invitation to the dance*  3 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 6* Safety and cynicism*  2 1/2 stars

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret of the Ooze" *An xl double cheese with mutated fish paste delivered to Dr. Moreau of Long Island."*  2 1/2 stars

Mark Borchardt "Coven" *Stephen King's Clerks* 2 stars

"Raw Meat" featuring Donald Pleasance *A subway Sawney Bean*  3 stars

"The Curious Dr. Humpp" *Sci fi nudie horror Prequel to a boner infomercial* 2 1/2 stars

Dario Argento's "Opera" *Puts the eye in Italian*  3 stars

"Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of MyLittle Pony" *Dignifies the derided, but do they deserve it?* 2 1/2 stars

"The Garbage Pail Kids" *"Did I do that?" Urkel. It's that level of annoying.* 1 1/2 stars

"Johnny Mnemonic" Japanese cut *Robo-dolfphin FTW! Dolph Lundgren MVP.*  3 stars

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" *Event Horizon: A New Hope* 2 stars

"Thundercrack" sexploitation* Scat on a hot tin roof*  2 stars

Kevin Smith's "Red State" *Superbad in Waco circa 1993*  3 stars

"Buckeroo Banzai" *"Leftfield entertainment"*  3 stars

Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely" *"The Lord wants us to jump out of a plane without a parachute."*   3 stars

Star Wars 'Downfall of the Old Republic' fan edit *makes the prequels almost seem tolerable*  2 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with surprise guest Eugene Levy Kenneth Branagh and Frank Darabont present "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" featuring Robert Deniro as the monster between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents"The Grudge" starring Bill Pullman and Buffy *"This movie dishes out horror by the thimble full."* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

"The ABC'S of Death"'

'A Is For Apocalypse'- Nacho Vigalondo 3 stars

'B is for Bigfoot' Adrian Garcia Bogliano 2 1/2 stars

'C is for Cycle' Ernesto Diaz Espinoza 3 stars

'D is for Dogfight' Marcel Sarmiento 2 1/2 stars

'E is for Exterminate' Angela Bettis 2 stars

'F is for Fart' Noburu Iguchi 1 1/2 stars

'G is for Gravity' Andrew Traucki 1/2 a star

'H is for Hydro electric diffusion' Thom Malling 2 1/2'

'I is for Ingrown' Jorge Michel Grau 3 stars

'J is jidai geki aka samurai movie' Yudai Yamaguchi 2 stars

'K is for Klutz' Anders Morganthaler 2 stars

'L is for Libido' Timo Tjahjanto 3 stars

'M is for Miscarriage' Ti West zero stars

'N is for Nuptials' Bajong Pisanthankun 2 1/2 stars

'O is Orgasm' Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet 2 1/2 stars

'P is for Pressure' Simon Rumley 2 stars

'Q is for Quack' Adam Wingard 1 star

'R is for Removed' Srdjan Spasojevic 3 stars

'S is for Speed' Jake West 2 stars

'T is for Toilet' Lee Hardcastle 3 stars

'U is for Unearthed' Ben Wheatley 2 1/2 stars

'V is for Vagitus' Kaare Andrews 3 stars best so far

'W is for WTF!' Jon Schnepp 2 stars'

'X is for XXL' Xavier Gens either zero or 2 1/2 stars

'Y is for Young Buck' Jason Eisner either zero or 3 stars

'Z is for Zetsumetsu aka extinction' Yoshi Nishimura 2 1/2

Masters of Horror Joe Dante's "The Screwfly Solution "*It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature*  3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Energy Eater" *Indian Giver*  2 1/2 stars

Cannon films "White of the Eye" starring David Keith *Twangy Giallo* 3 stars

Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm 2" *Yellow No. 5*   3 stars

rifftrax presents Ed Wood's "Plan 9: From Outer Space" *"Eck, shouldn't have microwaved that twinkie!"* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace "Scotch Mist" *"Sometimes you have to be a bigot to beat a bigger bigot."* 2 1/2 stars

John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" *Bill Nye the exorcism guy*  3 stars

Twin Peaks: "Slaves and Masters" *War of Northern Aggression*  3 stars

Don Mancini's "Curse of Chucky" *Charles Lee Ray returns to his roots. I was sort of hoping this was a direct sequel to part 3 with Bride and Seed not happening, but the reveal of the stitches and  some other story elements proved otherwise. Oh, well. Nice touch with the backstory and Brad Dourif running around looking like an even creepier Tommy Wiseau in the 80s. The cameos are either a nice homage to the series or needless fan service and not knowing when to quit.*   3 stars (minus maybe half a star for the after credits sequence)

"Waterpower" xxx  Jamie Gillis is The Enema Bandit *Freedom of the body... freedom of '76. This movie was brought to you by the mafia and Nathan's Hot Dogs*   either zero stars or three stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater with special guest horror host Zacherly "Jakarta" a Charles Kaufman film *A noir No Reservations with a hardboiled Anthony Bourdain*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Spanish Moss Murders" *Stiffling dreams brings the Swamp Thing*   3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" *Schlitz on tap*  2 1/2 stars

"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" featuring the special fx of Ray Harryhausen and starring Dr. Who's Tom Baker as an evil sorcerer   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Battle Beyond the Stars" *Luke SkyWalton*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Buffalo Rider" *like a rhinestone pachyderme* 2 stars with riffing 1 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Joe's Apartment" *Willard, the musical* 2 stars

Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" *Fulci's eyeball in a bag of circus peanuts lying on the floor next to Sherri Moon's Big Daddy Roth underoos*  2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 2 *A very musical edition. But yet again with the Steve Vai stalker and her queefing... ugh.*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Future Force" starring David Carradine *In an age populated by retarded rent-a-cops...* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" starring Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Yeardley Smith and including the music of AC/DC *Clever premise silly execution. This crazy scenario is what we get for the trucker fad of the seventies*  2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 3 *Jackie Gleason with a screw loose,  japanese school girl mass suicide, Nazi Donald Duck, and much more*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Towering Alan" *the common touch*   2 1/2 stars

"Retard O Tron 2" *These moronic mix tapes are starting to wear thin on me*   2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" with special guest Tom Savini and his film "Night of the Living Dead" 1990 *You're beginning to become a badass Barb-ara*  3 stars

Masters of Horror Dario Argento's "Pelts" starring Meat Loaf and John Saxon *Slap dash and horrific*  3 stars

"Hot Dreams" 1983 xxx *has a thread of tension that elevates it*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks" *Forget grandma, protect the t.v.!*   2 1/2 stars

"Vampires Suck" *Like a creep with pointy teeth, it leers unashamedly.* zero stars

Don Coscarelli's "John Dies at the End" *sawsome awes*  3 stars

"Lost and Found Video Night: Vol. 1" 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "The Happening" *Differently dumb marky mark and doey zoey awkwardly reconnect their dead romance during pants shitting doom / cartoon revenge of the earth day* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

TV Funhouse: "Western Day"  3 stars

"Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" *Feels more like another 90s Lorne Michaels' movie than it does everything that was great about the sketch show*   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" *It was a graveyard smash.*   3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Troll 2" *a double decker baloney sandwich* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

"Edward Penishands" *on the bucket list of films for fudging weirdos like me.* 2 stars

Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna present "From Beyond" *Third eye erogenous zone*  3 stars

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" *"Heal the world." Michael Jackson* 1 1/2 stars with riffing without riffing 1/2 a star until the actual birdemic starts and then maybe 1 star

Masters of Horror John Carpenter's "Pro Life" starring Ron Perlman  3 stars

South Park double feature ----------

"Trapped in the Closet" *The Cruise, Travolta, and Scientology jabs will sting and be relevant for a long time, probably, but the R. Kelly  joke is really dated. I'd already forgotten about his whole  silly closet song from 2000 whenever.*  3 stars

"Go God Go" 3 stars

-------------------------------

"Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie"   *Interestingly absurd commentary on mall culture that would make a strange double feature with Romero's Dawn.* 2 stars

The Hitchhiker: Dark Wishes *Kindness with kill'em*  2 stars

Twin Peaks "Double Play" *Riposte* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Revenge is the Nuts" guest starring Isaac Hayes  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Highlander" *That sensation you're feeling is called The Quickening. Brought to you by Nestle's Quik*   3 stars

Kolchak The Night Stalker "Bad Medicine" *Chief Trance A Ho* 2 1/2 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Lifeforce" starring Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, and Patrick Stewart as a sexy bride of Dracula *Count Tesla* 3 stars

"The Last Shark" featuring Vic Morrow  2 1/2 stars

TV Carnage "Casual Fridays"   3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "To Kill a Mocking Alan" *"I'm such a big head." -Alan*    3 stars

Roger Corman's "The Raven" starring Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson   *Tongue in cheek and coughing up blood.* 2 1/2 stars

Masters of Horror "Sounds Like"   *Watch this and for once you will sympathize with a telemarketer, believe it or not.* 3 stars

Monstervision presents: A Very Joe Bob Christmas *Rusty the mail girl and some other bimbos sing ear slaughtering Christmas carols.* "Gremlins"  3 stars

Parasite aka Mutant featuring demi moore *People who need people are the worst... worse than slimey soul sucking slugs*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Clint Howard "Ice Cream Man" 3 stars for the interview 2 for the movie

Masters of Horror "The V Word" guest starring Michael Ironside *What happened to the piss and vinegar of youth?*   3 stars

"Q, The Winged Serpent" a Larry Cohen film featuring Richard Roundtree, David Carradine, and a manic, brilliant performance by Michael Moriarty     3 stars

rifftrax presents "Prisoners of the Lost Universe" featuring John Saxon *Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor, an Imp, a Neanderthal, and a Navi....Looney Tunes meets sword and sorcery*   2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 without

"The Crazy Dave Tape 2" *maybe you were 12 or so and there was this older teen in the neighborhood who you thought was cool and he let you hang out with him some, but he was way too into horror movies, firecrackers, porno mags, shooting cats in the butt with b b guns,listening to metal records, popping wheelies on his dirtbike, and smoking pot?  that's the kind of person who'd make this vhs mix tape*   2 stars

"Found Footage Festival: Vol 2"   3 stars

Cannon Films presents "Exterminator 2" *The Dark Knight Returns and engulfs New Jack City*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Devil's Platform" *Stygian lobbyist*  3 stars

Fangoria presents "Mindwarp " starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm *The Dig Dug Have Eyes. A MMORPG, and at risk teen PSA, for the Sega CD generation.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'The Apes of Wrath' *We were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.*   3 stars

"42nd Street Forever" *'Golden Age of Porn' film trailers.*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Sore for Sighted Eyes"  3 stars

Roger Corman's NEW WORLD PICTURES "The Arena" starring Pam Grier  3 stars

Masters of Horror John Landis presents "Family" starring George Wendt *A "Master of Horror" shouldn't use sketchy cgi.*  2 1/2 stars

"The Crazy Dave Tape 1" *Italians have the best weddings, kay!?*  2 stars

"The Beast that Killed Women" *Actual nudists are more scary than a guy in a gorilla suit.*   1 1/2 stars

The Asylum presents "I Am Omega" *Asylum movies are never aesthetically pleasing, but at least this one doesn't have cheap CGI ghouls. Also,it doesn't hurt that this source material has already yielded three other good movies.*  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Howling: 7 - New Moon Rising" *An Aussie Tommy Wiseau's honky tonk lycanthrope.*   1 star

Masters of Horror Richard Matheson and Tobe Hooper present their version of Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing" *Black Gold*  2 1/2 stars

"American Ninja" starring Michael Dudikoff *Rebel without a set of pajamas*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Rich Tradition of Magic" *Where's the Terrance and Phillip, buddy?*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Basic Alan" *That close to being infamous.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - "Viva Knievel!" *Bring me the head of Jerry Garcia!*   3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" *The visitors from Planet X are buttnoids.  Crank up the Slim Whitman.*             2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs and special guests SCTV's Count Floyd and USA UP All NIGhT's Rhonda Shear John Carpenter's "In the Mouth of Madness" *We've only just begun to live*    3 stars

rifftrax presents Star Wars: Episode 1 "The Phantom Menace" *Pod Racing belongs on ESPN 8* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Kolchak, The Nightstalker "Firefall" *Grisley Candleabra*  3 stars

"Satanis, The Devil's Mass" *If you're going to San Fran Cisco... be sure to visit the Church of Satan. They seem pretty down to earth aside from their pretentiousness.*  2 1/2 stars

"Alligator" 1980  starring Robert Forster *Police seek to punish society for their own illicit desires. / Freud.                      See you later, alligator. / Jung*  3 stars

X Files "One Breath" 2 1/2 stars

"Creepshow 2" *'The Raft' felt like a Junji Ito manga.*  3 stars

rifftrax presents "Breaker Breaker" starring Chuck Norris *Shanghai'd? Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Keep on truckin!* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

retard o tron mixtape vol 3 *less mtv's ridiculousness more internet retardedness* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" *Toasty! Grilled cheese.*  2 stars

rifftrax with Mike Nelson and special guest Weird Al "Jurassic Park" 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Hammer Films "The Blood Beast Terror" *Heavy handed with the Mary Shelley*  2 1/2 stars

2EVERYTHING2TERRIBLE2 Tokyo Drift  3 stars

"Beach Babes from Beyond" starring Sylvester and Frank Stallone's mom, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, Adam West's Robin, Burt Ward, John Travolta's brother Joey, plus Linnea Quigley *Daytona Beach, California. DUH!*  2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents Patrick Swayze's "Roadhouse" a Mike Nelson solo *The pilot for John Taffer's Bar Rescue* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Buster Keaton's "The Scarecrow" *We got married in a fever* 3 stars

"Grizzly" 1976 *Why didn't they just arm everyone with grenade launchers to begin with?*        3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Roddy Piper "Immortal Combat" *Meg Foster as an evil dragon lady, Sony Chiba as the old dog cop with a samurai sword, Tiny Lister as a gorilla with a heart of gold, and Hot Rod himself as the happy go lucky hero, plus some goofy looking bodybuilders turned into mindless karate warriors by Mayan voodoo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Next of Kin" ozploitation *Can you hear the thunder? - Men At Work* 3 stars

"Retard-o-tron mixtape vol 1" *can't tell if they're celebrating all the 'xtreme' sports crap as cool or not*        zero stars and or 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents "The Room" *Tommy Wiseau tossing around the football with Crow and Tom Servo.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

monstervision with joe bob briggs Larry Cohen's "It's Alive" *This would make Nancy Grace's brain melt and pour out of her huge nostrils.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Dark Place" 'Skipper the Eyechild'  3 stars

The Simpsons - Trick or Treehouse - Heaven & Hell "Bart's Soul" plus "Lisa the Skeptic" *Classics*  3 stars

"Creature" featuring a pervy Klaus Kinski *This Alien ripoff even has its own Ripley rip off*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Watership Alan" *"Can you make pornography come on my tele, please?"*  3 stars

"Scream and Scream Again" Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter CUshing, Judy Dench *Deep fried BladeRunner*  2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 with special guest Anne Francis of "Forbidden Planet" also starring Leslie Nielson *To thine ownself be cruel*  3 stars

Georgina Spelvin "The Devil in Miss Jones" *She sauntered through the mist unshackled by her veil.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker "When Morning Comes" 3 stars

Twin Peaks "Checkmate" *Great monolouge at DEAD DOG by Michael Parks about Agent Cooper and the trippy bizarre ending saved the episode*  3 stars

Luis Bunuel's "The Young One" *Sorghum sweet*  3 stars

"Run! Bitch Run!" *Syfy presents Rube Zombie's "RapeNado: The Revenge"* 1 star

Roger Corman's "Swamp Women" *Dirty, desperate dames.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Unseen" *Creepy incest brother sister upstairs, mongoloid manbaby killer in the cellar, Guess Jeans / Vagisil model houseguest victims* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "3" *Gen X blood fetishes are Xtremely pretentious.*   2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's pick "Nurse Nancy" xxx *not worth going to jail over, but i support pee wee and his pee pee.* 2 stars

Ken Russell's film of "The Devils" 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Spermula" *nookie kryptonite* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Future Hunters" *The liquid metal terminator was in a Fillipino ripoff of MadMax / Raiders of the Lost Ark / Enter the Dragon / Rambo / Die Hard / Return of the Jedi / Treasure Island / Amazon Women / and Terminator  before he was even in James Cameron's T2.* 3 stars

"Hotel Paradise" *The loins of liberty.*  3 stars

John Holmes as Johnny Wadd in "Blonde Fire" 2 1/2 stars

Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" *History is made by the scoundrels.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool   with a special guest hollywood workout instructor and the feature film "Conan the Barbarian" *Fitness fads for yuppies from the Ally McBeal & Friends era adds nothing to the experience of trying to watch a sword and sorcery adventure movie. TNT stinks.*  3 stars for the movie  zero for the TNT stuff

"Meatballs 3: Rudy's Big Challenge" special appearance by a younger Shannon Tweed *every time a bell rings a nerd pops his cherry. ding a ling*   2 1/2 stars

Roger Corman presents "Suburbia" a film by Penelope spheeris *"Have you hugged your kid, today?" Flea*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs "The Road Warrior" *Wheeling in a wasteland wonderland*  3 stars

Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island" special FX by Ray Haryhausen 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" *Brilliant bug out*  3 stars

Russell Simmons presents Abel Ferrara's "The Addiction" *Hip half-dead histrionics* 1/2 a star

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Children of the Corn 2 "The Final Sacrifice" *Corn nut children's cult, contaminated corn crop conspiracy, cantakerous old crows, corny cgi.*  2 stars

Mario Bava's "Planet of Vampires" *Feels like a similar universe to Prometheus and Alien.* 3 stars

"The Monkey Hu$tle" *Pot meat and greens* 2 1/2 stars

Amber Lynn in "Amber Aroused" *That weird period of time after Return of the Jedi when R2 palled around with Ron Jeremy.*  3 stars

"Maniac" 1934 *billy goat curse* 3 stars

John Carpenter presents "Bodybags" *The Gas Station 2 1/2 stars Hair 2 1/2 stars Eye 3 stars*

"Five Bloody Graves" *fatalist western* 2 1/2 stars

USA UP ALL NIGHT with Rhonda shear plus 90s commercials "Shocker" *Charles Lee Ray The Lawnmower Man on Elm Street walks The Green Mile* 1 1/2 stars

"Nightmare Beach" starring John Saxon and Michael Parks *Scorcher* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'Hell Hath Fury' *A punch and judy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Alan Attraction" *You're sacked*  3 stars

MST3K presents "Quest of the Delta Knights" *Davinci Archimede gobbledy*   2 STARS with spoofing 1 1/2 without

John Waters' "Polyester" *Odorous*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies" *A big creepy house is not a home without a few demonic munchkins running about.*  2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks "The Black Widow" 2 1/2 stars

"The Devonsville Terror" featuring Donald Pleasance *Pilgrims' Unrest*  3 stars

Shannon Tweed in "Nightfire" *Horses, hot-tubs, and handguns.* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Circus" *Jaundiced critique of bonafide mystique.* 3 stars

John Carpenter's "Vampires" featuring James Woods as your Peter Cushing Van Helsing type, a pudgy Danny Baldwin as his hung over looking assistant, and Laura Palmer as a Lucy Westerena  3 stars

"Shakes, The Clown" *There's a tear in my beer. It's called Pathos.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Embrace of the Vampire" *Coffee house Bram Stoker. Bit more sweet than bitter* starring Alyssa Milano and the guy from Spandau Ballet 2 stars

Troma's "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy" *"The bored slowdance of those who've done everything"* 1 1/2 stars

The Hitchhiker "Best Shot" *Jackass yuppies*  3 stars

"The Blob" 80s remake *Gives Carpenter's "The Thing" a run for its money.* 3 stars

Dr. Who *fourth doctor* "The Sontaran Experiment" *Humpty Dumpty's Empire had a great fall.*  3 stars

"Hell High" 1989 *When green sliming someone goes horribly wrong.*  3 stars

rifftrax "reefer madness" *smoke pot just once and you'll wind up on trial for MURDER!* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Fred Olen Ray's "Dinosaur Island" *topless cave chicks, hot springs hot tubs, & T-Rex terror* 3 stars

"Flash Fire" starring Tom Skerritt *Slow burner about watching your dream go up in smoke.*   3 stars

"Nude for Satan" *Hotel Californication* 1 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Friday the 13th: Part 6 "Jason Lives" *A strawberry jelly donut with the filling sucked out by vampire censors.*   2 1/2 stars

Commander UsA's Groovie Movies "Blade Master" starring Miles O'Keeffe aka Tarzan as Ator *Stone Age Man say NO NUKES!*  1 1/2 stars

Troma's "War" *LOST meets Rambo meets SouthPark*   3 stars

"Kongo" 1932 *Fiendin' for bad juju*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Tobe Hooper's "Funhouse" *Why buy the (2-headed) cow (a wedding ring)  when you can get the milk (and nookie) fer free?*  3 stars

Mermaid Man, Ernest Borgnine and The Crow, Brandon Lee team up for "Laser Mission" *Easy going espionage*  2 stars

Marilyn Chambers in "Behind The Green Door" 1 star up until the trippy money shot sequence and 3 stars for everything including it and after

Tales from the Crypt "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today." *Witchy Wife Swap*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Gene Roddenberry's "Genesis 2" *Idiocracy of the Demolition Man in Futurama*   2 1/2 stars

X Files "Ascension" guest starring Steve Railsback   3 stars

Udo Kier in "Mark of the Devil" *Stupid Superstition*  3 stars

Rifftrax "Wickerman" remake *Un-Cage'd WOMYN of Silent Hill... erm Isle.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Stuart Gordon's "Fortress" starring Christopher Lambert & Kurtwood Smith *Andy Duframe is preggers with an Apple I-baby.*   3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Getting into Heaven" 2 1/2 stars

"Equinox" 1970 *Classic monster movie FX hootenanny  and middle finger to SYFY.*   3 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert stack *Fat, invalid husband's embezzling wife vanishes with kids, suspect son's mom murdered in car at carson city casino, custody dispute and walmart disappearance, crazy canadian's strange death in states,  shot on a desolate road by mysterious man in a black pickup truck, kroq confess your crime joke segment goes horribly wrong  with a grim call in that turns out to be a big hoax, reconstructing the image of a long dead jane doe murder victim*   2 stars

"Deranged" *Folksy necromancy*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "A Room with an Alan" *The original Stephen Colbert character.*  3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Bikini Airways" *The Skanky Skies* 2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Once Upon a Beginning *"The most significant televidual event since Quantum Leap."* 3 stars

Director's Cut of Highlander 2 "The Quickening" *A unicorn with a flying v guitar around its neck  and its ass hanging out the back of a Hummer stretch limo  teetering over the edge of a volcano and shitting half digested Ben Franklin(S).*  1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Bad Biology" *Imagine Georgia O'Keefe scissoring Slim Shady, Wu Tang's ODB, Biz Markie, and Eazy E.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Psychotronic Man" *Floyd 'The Barber' gets all Criss Angel 'Mindfreak.'*   1/2 a star

Joe Bob's Summer School *Advanced Primate Studies* "Escape from the Planet of the Apes" *Joe Bob's theory on the proliferation of dumb people, by studying them at walmart, being an evolutionary necessity might have influenced Mike Judge a little in making his movie "Idiocracy."* 2 1/2 stars... needs more apes

"Gator Bait" *Red on the head, fire in the (w)hole.*  3 stars

"TUrkey Shoot" starring Steve Railsback *So-ciety, yer spiteful, indeed.*  3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Forbidden World" *Dingwhopper*  3 stars

Dario Argento presents "The Church" *Go now you've been set free. Like a real reptile.*  2 1/2 stars

"Night Eyes" starring Tanya Roberts and Andrew Stevens *bohunk bodyguard, voyeur, and lover.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" *Smug George Clooney versus sardonic Mike Nelson.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"Madhouse" starring Vincent Price *Queer regret.*  3 stars

Disney's "Secrets of Pirates Inn" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "To Live and Die in L.A." *Angels with dirty faces.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Hell Night" *Hazing. Heavy petting. Horror hijinx. Haunted Mansion. Hills Have Eyes type heavies.*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night "Nair WitcH" segments *Less bad 3's Company sitcom humor attempts by TNT. More hillbilly horror afficiando featuring just Joe Bob.* and the feature movie presentation "Child's Play 2" *I remember Siskel being really bothered by these movies, because the victim of all the horror was a child.*   3 stars

"Street Trash" *The rot gut and rough hewn.*  3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "Beetles" 2 1/2 stars

H. Gordon Lewis' "Scum of the Earth" *Sleazoids use blackmail to get unfortunate women to pose nekkid.* 2 1/2 stars

Mario Bava's "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Beach" *Jaws wannabe with a tv movie amount of action and fx.*   2 1/2 stars

"Red Hill" *Aussie High Plains Drifter*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Fog" *John Carpenter's Sunken Starship 'We Built This City on Lepers' Gold'*   3 stars

"Caligula" *Grotesque gods of gore and genital glorification."  3 stars

Brian Depalma's "Dressed to Kill" *Hitchcock in high heels.*  3 stars

MST3K "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Thor, and Tia Carrere 3 stars with spoofing 2 without

Abel Ferrara's "China Girl" *ramen with marinara"  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs  "The Kiss" *kill your kin and live again*   3 stars

Brian Yuzna's "Bride of Re-Animator" *Arkham affordable care extends into the afterlife.*   3 stars

X Files "Duane Barry" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney "The Ghost of Cypress Swamp" starring Vic Morrow   3 stars

"Infested" aka "Ticks" *Clint Howard, Carlton, seth Green, and one of the Bosom Buddies. Great casting. Great creature fx.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Abominable Snowman" starring Forest Tucker and Peter Cushing *Ra's al Ghul not believe in yeti and no should you. capiche?* 2 stars

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" *Wayne's World with two bigger boobs.*  3 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis presents "Something Weird" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *Be square and unaware. There's no truth out there.*   1 star

Twin Peaks "Masked Ball" *David Duchovny as Denise the DEA agent.*  3 stars

"The Rapture" starring Mimi Rogers *Filling the void or avoiding the fill.*   3 stars

"cut throats nine" *Manly spaghetti westerns were often dubbed with the same silly irreverence as sissy boy animes would end up with.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Ultimate Warrior" starring Yul Brynner and Max Von Sydow *Stone Cold Mr. Clean against the tomato raiders.*  3 stars

Umberto Lenzi's "Eaten Alive" *Jonestown massacre and weenie roast.* either 3 stars or zero stars for tasteless cruelty.

"Nipples and Palm Trees" *It's Always Horny in California... and depressing"   2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "The Brides of Dracula"  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night Hollywood Halloween in search of the "Nair Witch" segments *TNT tried to ruin Monstervision by taking Joe Bob out of the trailer park.* and the feature movie Brian Depalma's "Carrie" *John Travolta at his manprettiest saying "Git'r done"as he slaughters a pig.*   3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Came the Dawn" *Brooke Shields is bland and boring in everything she does.*   2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Rabid" starring Marilyn Chambers *I drink your maple syrup. I eat your Canadian bacon.*  3 stars

Stuart Gordon's "The Inquisitor" starring Lance Henriksen *Mercy Me. I can only imagine."  3 stars

Doctor Who (the fourth doctor) "The Ark in Space" starring Tom Baker *Animal crackers in my celestial soup.*   3 stars

"Talk Dirty To Me One More Time" featuring Harry Reems   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs Wes Craven's "Swamp Thing" starring Adrienne Barbeau* "Run through the jungle." Creedence Clearwater Revival.*   3 stars

The Hitchiker "Secret Ingredient"  3 stars

Cannon films presents "River of Death" *Michael Dudikoff's Frank Miller style narration.*   3 stars

William Lustig's "Maniac Cop" *Introduce a little anarchy.*   3 stars

Ken Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm" *I kept expecting Dylan Moran, Simon Pegg, and The Cure to show up.*   2 1/2 stars

Todd Solondz "Happiness" *This Robert Altman shit depresses me.* either zero stars or three

Joe Bob's SummerSchool presents "Conan: The Destroyer" *Hannah Montana wants Arnold and his pecs to teach her sex, but Shaquille O'Neal has agreed to satisfy evil queen Nancy Grace's lust for virginal sacrifice. Also a big Amazon lady, an Oriental magician, the trusty imp, and this ancient horned dragon god.*   3 stars

Are you afraid of the dark? "Tale of Vampire Town" *Corey Feldman's cousin's parents try to be understanding about their son's need to cosplay and roleplay as Wesley Snipes' character Blade.*   2 1/2 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" *The only shelter on cursed islands is some rickety shack. Spanish explorers never fully decompose. Sharks don't like it, when a zombie is the one doing the biting.*  3 stars

Mario Bava's "Black Sunday" *Cedric the Entertainer, bo bo slayer? Tyler Perry's Black Sunday. TBS very unfunny.*     3 stars

"Humongous" *Quaint little slasher.*   3 stars

Roger Corman's "Creature from the Haunted Sea" *Clever and kooky.*   3 stars

Commander USA Groovy Movies presents (edited for tv yet still disturbing) David Cronenberg's "The Brood" featuring Oliver Reed *No more psycho trauma hatched monkeys jumping on the bed*   3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside Harlan Ellison's "Djinn, No Chaser" guest genie Kareem Abdul Jabar   1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" *Hetero Dahmer with a hooker's heart of gold.*  3 stars

"Bad Boy Bubby" *more disturbing than dogtooth and just as morbidly humorous. crocodile dundee in the 4th dimension* either zero stars or 3 stars

MST3K presents "Devil Fish"   *more boring than the already boring reality show Deadliest Catch.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

"Loose Screws: Screwballs 2" *Not as good as the original, but still a lot of fun.*   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "The Dunwich Horror" starring Dean Stockwell *The old ones and the young ones.*   3 stars

"The Song Remains the Same" *The concert is mesmerizing. The art film moments are interesting. The backstage footage / incidents are boring. The personal life stuff is curious and a little dull. Where are the groupies being fed to sharks and black magic rituals?*   2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with host Joe Bob Briggs and special guest Linnea Quigley "Return of the Living Dead" *These are the zombies that crave brains, not every zombie does that like some so called horror fans mistakenly think.*  3 stars

X Files "Sleepless" guest starring Tony Todd *Get out of my dreams. Get into my car, Agent Scully.*     3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "My Secret Life" *Like Downton Abbey with Game of Thrones amount of uncut penis.*  2 stars

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" *Crumbling castle, medieval torture, musical numbers, and cleavage comedy.* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Gangbuster's sketchy suicide, aspiring chef's breakdowns and disappearance, topless bar waitress's jealous boyfriend and disappearance, unexplained death of astate trooper possibly by killer hippies, a strange soldier's secretive business and permanent awol,  a nice church lady  helps her prison penpal boyfriend escape and disappear,  middle aged mama's boys chizophrenic wrongly convicted and later proved innocent*   3 stars

Abel Ferrara's "Ms. 45 - Angel of Vengeance" *You say it best, when you say nothing at all.*   3 stars

Mario Bava's "Hercules in the Haunted World" with Christopher Lee as a Cthullu worshipping necromancer                       *Long expired eye candy.*  3 stars

"Humanoids from the Deep" featuring Vic Morrow *The horniest catch.*  3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" starring Melissa Joan Hart *I'm cold.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker *Hit and RUn* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Family Reunion" starring Patricia Tallman and Stephen MacHattie 3 stars

"Death Spa" *Awe, fuck this computer shit*  3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Bernie" starring Jack Black *Little pink caskets for you and me.*   3 stars

Joe Bob's SummerSchool "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "written by Phil Hartman, scored by Danny Elfman, and Directed by Tim Burton *Tex Avery would like this movie.*   3 stars

James Gunn and Llody Kaufman present "Tromeo and Juliet" 2 1/2 stars

Tom Hanks presents Tales from the Crypt "None but the Lonely Heart" starring Treat Williams   3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Screwball Academy" *A director gets to heaven. He's told he'll be making a movie. Michaelangelo will be designing the sets  and Beethoven composing the score.  He asks who his leading lady will be. The angel Gabriel says,  "That's just thething. God has this girlfriend..."*  2 stars

Russ Meyer presents "The Immoral Mr. Teas" *Narrated by Trey Parker of South Park. You'd almost swear it.* 3 stars

"Nightmare in Badham County" *The Rifleman captures women for Mr. Brady's torture plantation. "When you die, they're going to have to beat your mouth to death with a stick."* 3 stars

Jess Franco's "Faceless" *He used to do surgery on girls in the 80s.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks 'Dispute Between Brothers' *A green butt skunk... ACES.*  3 stars

Jeff Lieberman's "Just Before Dawn" *So picturesque, you'll be seeing double.* 3 stars

Tennessee Williams' "Baby Doll" featuring Eli Wallach *She sho grow'd up*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Beyond Thunderdome" *Elderly Beyonce exiles Bret Hitman Hart to Never Never Land.* 2 1/2 stars

"Black Roses" *Poetry loving cool teacher tries to save his students from a satanic Winger concert.*  2 stars

Ken Russell and The Who present "Tommy - A Rock Opera" *Reach out and touch faith.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Damnation Alley" *The A Team travels across the Cursed Earth.*   2 1/2 stars

"The Sword and the Sorcerer" starring Richard Lynch *Atari Game of Thrones*  3 stars

"The Sentinel" Chris Sarandon is "legion" *Who lynches the Watchmen?*   3 stars

Dial 'N' for Nikki *Crank Yankers* 1 star

Abel Ferrara's "Driller Killer" *Depraved Demo tape. hipsters worse than homeless bums*   2 1/2 stars

"The Nest" *Eccentric seaside town. Blood thirsty pest.* 3 stars

H.P. Lovecraft's "The Unnameable" *Arkham Animal House by the Cemetery* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt "The Third Pig" *Bobcat Goldthwait shrills some ryhming skills* 1 1/2 stars

Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" *featuring some ugly actors and musicians.  A young Courtney Love included. Dirty Old Town*  2 1/2 stars

"Blood Diner" featuring Sheba Jackson *In the tradition of Blood Feast* 3 stars

MST3K presents Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" *''One time, I bit into a cold tator tot''*   3 stars with spoofing... maybe a 3 without maybe less

Dr. Who "Robot" starring 4th doctor Tom Baker *Prince Albert (Einstein) in a can.*  3 stars

"Trancers" *The time 1985. The place Los Angeles. My partner's Helen Hunt. I'm Jack Deth.*  3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "Tale of the Lunar Locusts" *Green Eyed Monster* 2 stars

Elvira presents "Killers from Space" *Hal Jordan (or was it Bruce Banner?) gets all bug eyed about  space invaders and not even the smooth satisfaction of smoking can swerve him.*   1 1/2 stars

X Files "Blood" *I"m afraid of America. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid I can't help it.*   3 stars

"Willard" starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine *"He's an extrovert. He just shows it inside."*     3 stars

The Hitchhiker "The Miracle of Alice Ames" guest starring Joe Pantoliano *Love the sinner, for her priest is her pimp.*   3 stars

"Helter Skelter" Jeremy Davies *Taking seriously hippies taking scripture literally*   2 stars

"Race with the Devil" starring Warren Oates and Peter Fonda *I'm getting too old for this shit... Warren Oates said it before Danny Glover*   3 stars

MST3k "The Final Sacrifice" *Raiders of the Lost Moose Lodge* 2 stars, eh... with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Tales from the Darkside "Ursa Minor"  2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye "Animals" *Grinning like a possum.* 3 stars

H.G. Wells' "Island of Lost Souls" *Are we not men? Or at least beasts in khakis?*  3 stars

Roger Corman and James Cameron present "Galaxy of Terror"   3 stars

Fred Dekker's "Night of the Creeps" starring Tom Atkins *Thrilled Me*  3 stars

"The Northville Cememtery Massacre" *'Rebels with a cause' angst. you'll hate your local community. I sure as hell hate mine.*  3 stars

"Five on the Blackhand Side" *Woe is them who can not swim, Jim... A few laughs but mostly preachy and dull.* 1/2 star

"the amazing mr. no legs" *He was a terrible person/torso.* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Bedroom Eyes 2" featuring Wings Hauser and Linda Blair *convuluted covorting* 2 1/2 stars

Terry Zwigoff's "Crumb" *Awkward Vibrations. Voluptous fixations.* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Eve and the Handy Man"  2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "Killer Joe" *He told me I needed teachin on muh Kung Fu...question: Would you let matthew McConaughey fuck your sister if it meant he'd kill your mother?* 3 stars

brian yuzna's "society" *i wanna share this with all the sanctimonious stepford wives who were always trying to show me how SAW had something to say*  3 stars

''innocent taboo'' starring porche lynn and peter north *john oates' blood, sugar, sex, black magick. a tragedy in so many acts.* 2 stars

''curse of the queerwolf''  *mr. smallbutt never did anything like this before* 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt presents fred dekker's "lower berth" 3 stars

usa up all night with rhonda shear 'cemetery high' *softcore nudity. hardcore stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

linda blair and linnea quigley in "savage streets" *'beat it' / 'love is a battlefield' era troubled youth* 3 stars

alex cox's "repo man" *love & rockets* 3 stars

alex cox's "walker" starring ed harris 3 stars

"ironmaster" 1983 *guns don't kill people (yet) as the Ice Age is just thawing.*  3 stars

mst3 kroger corman's "the undead" *smug man's folly* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

the hitchhiker 'the legendary billy b.' starring kirstie alley, andy summers of the police, and brad dourif 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "beastmaster 2: through the portal of time" *"once, two fresh princes of tattooine stood before you" - so sayeth the spin doctors*  1 1/2 stars

''long john silver'' 1954 *sometimes them that quotes the bible have less bible in their hearts than those that don't*  2 1/2 stars

commander usa's groovie movies ''the alligator people'' featuring lon chaney jr 2 1/2 stars

"Miami COnnection" *Right there with Troll 2 and The Room*   3 stars

USA Up All Night "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" 2 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Waitress" 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Virgin High" 2 1/2 stars

"American Babylon" xxx 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Slammer Girls" 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Beach Balls" 2 1/2 stars

"Killer Workout" 3 stars

sam peckinpah's "cross of iron" *"the bitch that bore him is back in heat"* 3 stars

Joe D'Amato's "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead" *What does it say when a film with this much wang and poontang is more eerie and unsettling than most current horror attempts?*  3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Wild Malibu Weekend" *In the 90s, before internet porn videos, there was a time when hot babes in bikinis on late night cable was all a horny teenage guy needed.* 2 stars

USA Up All Night "Sweet Sugar" 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "My Boyfriend's Back" *ahead of its time horror romantic comedy* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Montenegro" 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies "Vampire's Coffin" 1 1/2 stars

MST3k "Escape 2000" not steve railsback movie 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"Fast Food" *Jim Varney aka 'Ernest goest to' a lot of trouble to keep what should be a raunchy sex comedy pg 13.* 2 stars

Troma's "Class of Nukem High" 3 stars

"Howling 3: The Marsupials" *Takes a strange trip into Alex Haley's Roots territory.* 2 stars

Troma's "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" *They should show this in sex education class. It would stop kids from fornicating and eating fast food.* 3 stars

MST3k "Squirm" *Hicksploiting and skin-crawling.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

MST3k "Angels Revenge" *Cheap Charlie's Angels clone with exploitation movie violent action and an after school special theme of drugs are bad for the youth.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"The Night Visitor" starring Max von Sydow *meticulously nail biting* 3 stars

MST3k "Time of the Apes" "Oriental Planet of the Apes wannabe with annoying child dubbing and shoestring budget fx and entertainment value.* 1 1/2 stars with spoofing 1/2 star without

"Devil Hunter" *Bug eyed cannibal god craves tender white flesh.* 2 1/2 stars

"Voodo Black Exorcist" *Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' set on 'The Love Boat'* 2 stars

"Rocktober Blood" *Ugly piggy faced metal lead singer who can hold a note til it pierces flesh and can hold his victims hostage, on stage, and force them to perform with the power of Satanic Rock.* 2 1/2 stars

"Scary Movie" 1991 starring Saul Star from Deadwood *If the title is read correctly as being in quotes, then the movie is pretty much summed up. The horror isn't the horror of the killer on the loose / haunted house setting, it's the  mind's breaking point producing such terrible results leading to horrific consequences.* 3 stars

"Vice Squad" featuring Wings Hauser *Out on the streets for a living.. black diamond...*  3 stars

"The Outing" *A mallrat 80s teen thinks she's alone now  for a night in the museum with her main squeeze, and her best pals, but her jealous and dangerous ex plus his buddy  along with an evil genie in a bottle tries to rub her the wrong way.*   2 1/2 stars

Ken Russell's "Gothic" *hysterical liberation in the romantic sense.* 3 stars

MSt3k "Werewolf" featuring the Tommy Wisseau trio of actors 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MST3k "Kitten with a Whip" *Moral politicians and sinful youth. Laughable.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

"The Burning Hell" *Religious scare film. Unintentional exploitation classic. 2 1/2 stars

Troma "Redneck Zombies" *The one guy who had to take a swig of whiskey no matter the horror or urgency of the situation... it got me everytime.* 2 1/2 stars

"W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings" *The great almost unheard of Smoky and the Bandit prequel* 3 stars

MST3k "Hobgoblins" *It's like some producer saw Gremlins and stole a  costume shop's puppets and filmed this over a weekend at a few bland Los Angeles / nothin' happenin' locations.* 2 with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MSt3k "Soultaker" starring Charlie Sheen's uncle *Southern Belle too dainty and flippish for afterlife.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl o Rama" featuring Linnea Quigley *Linnea is the likeable bad girl, as usual, and the evil genie puppet has a hilarious voice.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rollerblade The Movie" *Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' if it were reimagined by the folks at Everything Is Terrible'* 1 1/2 stars

"Tourist Trap" starring Chuck Connors "Surreal Slasher"   3 stars

"Neon Maniacs" *The Village People are sent to hell for their sinful ways and return as Cenobites to stalk spunky and square teens in the land of the Rice a Roni treat.*  2 1/2 stars

"A Coming of Angels" xxx *Charlie's Angels stupid supblot, but it has an S & M sex slave dungeon and a nicely snowy, isolated setting.* 2 1/2 stars

"Pretty Peaches part 2" xxx *Studs with a troubled past who get hired to look after a stable of horses owned by a wealthy, foreign cripple always get to stroke the suffering from lack of a sex life wife.* 2 1/2 stars

"Neon Nights" xxx *Follow the yellow brick road or ride it in a van with swingers.* 3 stars

MST3k "It lives by Night" *It sucks by day or night.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" *There is an existential dread that comes with that coming of age trial of learning to swim.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "Maiko" *A bitter beachbum loses his grip on humanity / empathy for land lubbers.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dance of the Damned" *If Stefanie Meyer penned an uninentionally funny skinemax flick in 1993* 2 stars

"The Blood on Satan's Claws" *Blaming the devil for a bad seed from an old harvest.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" *Lousianna Fricasseed Corpses* 3 stars

"Randy the Electric Lady" *Ballsdeep Bride of Frankenstein.* 2 1/2 stars

"Stiff Competition" xxx *Dick sucking "comes" with its own reward. No blue ribbon needed, but maybe a blue bib.* 3 stars

"new wave hookers" xxx *Bitches in heat over Flock of Seagulls.* 2 stars

"Surrender in Paradise" xxx *Women are needy castaways.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies 'The Devil's Gift' 3 stars

"Kingdom of Spiders" starring William Shatner *When Shatner is accepted as the cowboy archetype, hell will spit up its plague upon us.* 3 stars

Oliver Stone's "Seizure" *I feel sorry for Stone if his nightmares include Tattoo from Fantasy Island.* 3 stars

"Mortuary" *Creepy, corpse abusin' Bill Paxton.*   3 stars

MST3k "Deathstalker" *Robin Hood types are always self absorbed asses.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing. 2 without

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *This is what should have happened to the lady who brought Edward Scissorhands home.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3k "The Beginning of the End" *Crickets on post-cards photograhed to be earth shattering, mind blowing horror. Now, it would be million dollar CGI, and it would still be terrible.* 2 stars with spoofing. 1 1/2 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Badge" *Badge as in evil humanoid badger of some lore.* 2 1/2 stars

WitchFinder General starring Vincent Price *Makes you wonder who was filling Joe McCarthy's pockets with gold coins.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Spontaneous Combustion" starring Brad Dourif *A far less hokey Truman Show for the atomic era.* 3 stars

"Please Don't Eat My Mother" *Kinky Shop of Horrors"   3 stars

"Wheeler aka Psycho from Texas" *A feast of snakes.* 3 stars

MST3k "the Creeping Terror" *I wish GWAR would get sent back in time to the 50s,  folks would be getting eaten by giant worm costume monsters -left and right.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies 2" *Pint-sized demonic ghouls just wanna have murderous fun at the carnival. What's so wrong with that?* 2 1/2 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Suburban Roulette" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *The sex taboos of the 60s seem so routine today.* 2 stars

"Rock n Roll Nightmare" *Horrible hair metal croons. A plot twist M. Night would love.  And some demonic finger puppets.*  2 stars

"There's Nothing Out There" *Self aware horror movie done right. Usually, I hate when the 4th wall is broken, but when the hero swung from the boom mic, and no mention was made of why or he didn't look into the camera smugly to reference it afterward, I almost stood up and cheered for the clever absurdity.*   3 stars

Tell Them Johnny Wadd is here starring John Holmes 3 stars

"I Drink Your Blood." *Rabies pot pies. Yum.*   3 stars

"Midnight Ride" starring Mark Hammil and Michael Dudikoff *A live action Killing Joke with a Dark Knight in hot pursuit.* 3 stars

"Up the Creek" 1984   3 stars

The Twilight Zone "Dead Run" starring Steve Railsback *Truly frightening because it turns the afterlife into a cold system full of the red tape and soullessness of an earthly existence.*  3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney 'Mr. Boogedy' *I'm sure this pre-dates Beetlejuice, but it's similar, though blandly so and has that generic, hazy 80s suburbia Saturday afternoon tv feel about it.* 2 stars

"razorback" *the outback is hog heaven for any horrific scenario.*   3 stars

mst3k 'parts: the clonus horror' *Yuppie Bob Hope and Bob Dole types wanna make sure they can play 18 holes of golf for eternity at their country club of choice with a fresh new body every 80 years.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Dr. Giggles"  3 stars

"Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" 3 stars

"Flesh Eating Mothers" *It's a Jersey thing. STDs included.*   2 stars

MST3k "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

You Can't Do That On Television "Nature" 3 stars

mtv's Buzzkill "Sasquatch" 2 stars

black adder 'back and forth' 3 stars

are you afraid of the dark 'the tale of the dangerous soup' 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt 'people who live in brass hearses' starring bill paxton and brad dourif 3 stars

tales from the dark side 'a serpent's tooth' 2 stars

the hitchhiker 'part of me' 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies 'the children' 2 1/2 stars

UsA Saturday Nightmares 'Living Dolls' 3 stars

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' Jeff Goldblum and Meg Foster *I can picture Goldblum being lynched if he had lurched around awkwardly in Colonial times, and Meg would have been burned at the stake for those fiery eyes.* 3 stars

Linda Blair and the Unknown Comic in "Night Patrol" *The Unknown Comic is an acquired taste, but the movie is more decent than Police Academy.* 2 1/2 stars

"Hard Rock ZOmbies" *Like Return of the Living Dead starring REO Speedwagon with a sprig of Springtime for Hitler and To Catch A Predator* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "The Devil's Rain" *The heavy metal "sign of the Devil" works just as well on Shatner as the Vulcan death grip.* 2 1/2 stars

Rob Zombie's "The Lords of salem" starring Bruce Davidson, Meg Foster, and Sherri Moon Zombie's ass *Dario Argento with a mullet, a foul mouth,  and a dragon tattooed above his pubic hair.* 2 1/2 stars minus one whole star

mst3k "the legend of boggy creek 2" *Autumn in Arkansas equals SEC football with big, sweaty, hairy men or weekends in the woods with big, sweaty, hairy monsters and hillbillies.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"the masque of red death" starring vincent price 3 stars

"midnight offerings" *feels like a haunted after school special* 3 stars

Elvira presents "Charlie Boy" 2 1/2 stars

"Carman's Witch Invitation" *Dr. Strange tries to seduce the spoken word evangelical white rapper who was born without any "soul"* 1 star

"Let Me Die A Woman" *Informative exploitation.*   1 star

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Curious Camera"   2 1/2 stars

"Bloodfreak" *You ain't nothin' but a hounddog, you jive turkey.* 2 1/2 stars

Salute your Shorts "Zeke The Plumber"   3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Whispering Walls" 3 stars

John Waters' "Desperate Living" *Tight assed towns or dirty communes?* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Eaten Alive" *Don't cross graveyard shift weirdos. Is that so hard for people to comprehend?... Guard against the crocodiles out on America's lost highways.* 3 stars

Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" *Superhero mass destruction sponsored by Sears.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "Thor" *So glad that He-Man left ethereal Eternia, so that we could watch him fumble around Smallville staring awestruck at plain Jane Portman.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "The Avengers" *I wish Hulk would smash Robert Downey Jr. like he did Loki.* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs don coscarelli's "The Beastmaster" *Dungeon crawlin' and creature callin'* 3 stars

"erotic city" starring amber lynn *Glam and bam* 2 1/2 stars

"Calvaire" aka "The Ordeal" *Tell me have you seen her?* 3 stars

"Night of the Bloody Apes" *Needed some more lucha libre* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Paranoid brutha's harem, Redneck shipwreck, vegetable stand she devil* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens." *Horny comedy*  3 stars

"Deep Star Six" *The best of claustrophobic disaster movies and b monster movies taken seriously.* 3 stars

"Samurai Reincarnation" starring Sonny Chiba *For fans of Japanse ghosts/demons and grindhouse sword slashing socky.* 3 stars

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1 and 2 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren is "The Punisher" *Pulses like an 80s vigilante action movie should because it's an 80s vigilante movie and not a modern comic book movie.* 3 stars

"The Wolverine" Hugh Jackman *Felt closer to the Frank Miller source material  than it did the typical Marvel stuff like the terrible Wolverine Origins.* 3 stars

"The Terror Within" starring Andrew Stevens *B sci fi ALIEN (Ridley Scott) monster rip off with an isolated, apocalyptic THE THING (Carpenter) setting that really works.*   3 stars

Jackass presents: "Bad Grandpa" *More endearing than Bruno or Borat, but not as biting, yet still tasteless fun.* 3 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs 2020 texas gladiators *Italian post apocalyptic burnt toast (Texas sized.)* 2 1/2 stars

Zack Snyder's "The Watchmen" director's cut   *Director's cut but where is the S & M memory stuff?* 3 stars

Christopher Reeve is "Superman" a Richard Donner film *Two flaws: Gene Hackman seems like a vaudeville villain and the turning back time happy ending. not saying it should have been 'man of steel' bleak, but maybe the earthquake and Lois dying shouldn't have happened at all.* 2 1/2 stars

American Samurai *Highly enjoyable bloodsport ripoff  with mortal kombat style fatalities* 3 stars

usa up all night with gilbert gotfried "vampires on bikini beach" *garlic breath and icy nipples* 1 1/2 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (complete series) *more awkward animation and dialogue than an old filmation cartoon, and this was made in the mid 90s.* 1 1/2 stars

Bruno Mattei's "Zombie Creeping Flesh" *schlock and gore that comments on pandemics effects on 3rd world people* 3 stars

#bruno mattei #mortal kombat #usa up all night #american samurai #joe bob briggs #russ meyer #elvira #wonderful world of disney #commander usa #rob zombie #mst3k #hard rock zombies #neon maniacs #good bad flicks #1201 beyond #randy the electric lady #monstervision #troma #rhonda shear #roger corman #fangoria #cannon films #the people vs george lucas

[mads-weasley]

I just watched Purple Hearts on Netflix and I absolutely LOOOOVE Luke Morrow!! I thought about maybe writing some Luke Morrow imagines. Would anyone be interested?!

OKAY, I WROTE IT!! YOU CAN FIND THE FIC HERE!!

#luke morrow #purple hearts #luke morrow x reader #marines #Purple Hearts movie #Purple Hearts netflix #luke morrow imagine #Purple Heart imagine #Purple Heart x reader #mads' fandoms #luke morrow x y/n #luke morrow x you #Purple Hearts x you #Purple Hearts x y/n