#livingwagepls

[astramthetaprime]

And then it all went merrily to hell...

Never congratulate yourself.  It always ends in tears.  

So two days -- two days -- after posting that last post from my phone because I was just so goddamned happy to be writing again ... 

I have a day job.  It’s not much of a day job as I work 40 hours a week and yet do not make enough to cover all my bills of a month.  Despite proving this twice to the State of Tennessee, I have been rejected for food stamps twice.  It’s now a daily (er, weekly?) occurrence that I get my paycheck, go to get groceries, then the next week I’m overdrawn and cannot get groceries for the second week because the only things I have spent money on are literally utility bills... So yeah, I’m now going through the house designating stuff to be sold on Ebay.  Geez I thought I left off staring at auction screens the last time I logged off WoW.  I still savor the irony that I was a very successful and wealthy Gnome in WoW and I’m literally a step away from destitution in real life.  I blame not being able to wander through my neighbors’ yards ripping up handfuls of plants to be sold to the highest bidder.  But I digress.  

Anyway.  So Wednesday, I logged on to work.  I work at home, btw.  So, logged on.  Immediately pulled into private chat by my supervisor.  I was told that the company is no longer doing back office work, and the work I’m currently doing is ending.  I am given a choice -- phone work, or my last day is December 9th.  

I did phone work when I first signed on to this outfit.  I was customer service for TurboTax, during tax season.  With a camera aimed at my face.  Involving a very complex system that I had to learn to proficiency in 2 weeks.  While trying to understand and deal with often upset and angry people for eight hours a day.  

When I was moved off that, I made it extremely clear to my supervisor I would not do phone work again.  And to be fair, they honored that by putting me on my current job, essentially doing back office data entry.  At the time I was not as aware as I am now of my various autistic problems, but I knew that I did not need to be on the verge of tears every moment I was logged in to that system.  I can’t keep up with what people are saying, often I cannot understand them over the phone, and having to deal with a computer system that I likely only vaguely understand and for which any mistake could get me fired at any moment, well... 

And to top it all off, no one else in my group has been told this.  So it looks like I’ve been targeted.  Do a job you cannot handle, or be laid off.  And since I would have refused a reasonable job offer, I would not be eligible for unemployment.  

Mind you, for a job that pays so little it doesn’t pay all my bills.  

So I said yes.  Because what choice was I given?  I have such a difficult time getting a job at all that I stay because I may be out of work for months or even years even in this “we’re hiring everybody” job climate.  Because I’m so bad at the socialness of getting a job that I am never hired.  Why did I stay with the Post Office for 23 years, through documented abuse and racism, manipulation and exploitation?  Because I knew I’d never get another decent job.  

And for all the current pro-Union sentiment going around, the American Postal Workers Union never, in all those 23 years, helped me to improve those situations.  They told me to destroy evidence of abuse, they stood by and did absolutely nothing when their own steward was ringleading the abuse in another case, and didn’t bother to show up to adjudicate an arbitration where I could prove hands down I was in the right.  Bless the kids at Starbucks and Amazon and wherever else, I hope you guys can do it better, but unions are useless parasites as far as I’m concerned.  

The point is, I was given no choice but to accept a job that I am not suited for, which will cause me stresses I am not equipped to deal with, for far less than a living wage.  

I’ve started putting in applications again online.  Likely nothing will come of it, and if anything does I won’t make it past the first interview.  But at the very least I stick up for myself a bit more than I used to.  That’s something, isn’t it?  I may not react quickly, but at least these days I react.  Eventually.  

I wish... I wish a lot of things.  I wish I’d had some kind of gumption at some point in my life to learn an actual trade.  I’ve never had any ambition or urge to learn ... oh, you know, programming or truck driving or plumbing or what have you.  I can type.  I type damned fast, to be honest, and very accurately.  I’ve tried to learn various things at various times, I’ve got CompTIA’s A+ and Network+ certifications from 2013 because at the time I was aiming to get a job doing computer tech work.  But it never went anywhere.  It’s like the dots just don’t connect somewhere in my head.  Like the Underpants Gnomes joke, Step 1 Do this thing + ???? = Step 3 Profit!  I never have been able to figure out the ????.  

And now I’m 53 goddamned years old and I keep wondering if it’s possible to get PTSD from repeatedly being manipulated and exploited for the past several decades.  And why do I never have a case against these motherfuckers so I can finally sue somebody into the middle of next week for what they’ve done to me.

So after that little “talk” I went back to work.  Because of course you do.  I have to work.  I can’t afford to take a day off.  I spent the rest of Wednesday crying and nauseous.  And got only four hours of sleep the night after.  

On top of the thing with my idiot cousin the weekend before, I just... I’m just done, ya’know?  

But after work, despite it all, not every night but a couple nights since, I’ve turned on my own machine.  I’ve loaded my notes, fired up my writing music, looked at my character photos, and dreamed of another world.  Until this one is done, I’m stuck here.  Until then it’s not The End.  

#actually autistic #livingwagepls #allaboardtheangstexpress #writing

[astramthetaprime]

Scramble the Eggs and Water the Soup

Excuse me, I want to complain to the management.  

Matters are worsening here at Casa Tranquility.  My grocery list this week consists of only 4 items -- the absolute minimum to get me through the next week while eating down my pantry.  So.  Dog food, toilet paper, drink drops and sunflower seeds.  Dog food for obvious reasons, who is laying happily behind me on the bed staring out at the Squirrel Tree.  Toilet paper, again obvious reasons.  I don’t drink coffee but I do drink this... the actual name is “water enhancer”.  I just call them drink drops.  I get a “tea” version because, hey folks, I’m from the South, ice tea is the house wine of the South.  I also get a caffeinated cherry version and a “huckleberry” version that has Theanine in it.  I drink a mix of the cherry and huckleberry together and I’ve found that the combination of the caffeine and the theanine keeps me calm and lets me actually concentrate for work.  So I’m not going out of my mind wanting to jump up five times an hour or mess with the stuff on my desk or what have you.  This is a primary reason why I suspect I may be ADHD, aside from being able to tick off many of the listed symptoms.  Which, ya know, Autism and ADHD have a great deal of overlap and a high percentage of Autism folks can and do also qualify as ADHD.  So not out of the realm of possibility and I’m fine with that.  Also the drink drops are actually quite cheap on a cup by cup basis.  Those 3 bottles will keep me going for a week, and I drink like a fish so all good. The sunflower seeds are a similar thing, a 16 oz. bag will last me a week.  My work is boring, mmkay?  Like, drive you out of your mind boring.

4 items.  From Walmart.  $35.  

So there was some assessing of resources here a few mins ago and I’ve got the means so... yeah.  

I was able to buy a few more actual food items last week so it’s not as bad as it could be.  I’m waiting on word back from the state of TN as to whether or not I qualify for food stamps but the lady already told me I didn’t but my uncle and my mother can be pretty persuasive.  Or my uncle went full New Yorker on them and then my aunt grabbed the phone and went off on them and no one could understand her because she’s Polish and whoo doggies no one understands her when she’s mad.  The next time I apply I think I’ll do it when I’m living in my car broken down on the side of I-75.  And I think by then everyone will moan and decry and “why didn’t u apply for assistance befoooorrreee???”  

And I’ll show them my collection of rejection letters and say, “I did.  Why didn’t you say yes?”

I hate people.  Computers are so much better.

(P. S. there will be another post tonight actually about Autism, so yeah, watch this space folks, thanks!)

#actuallyautistic #tomatoramensoup #livingwagepls