#living and diving Deep in my feelings

[nonsupe-a]

sometimes i catch myself wondering if vought ever,     at any point,     considered shiloh a dirty secret because of how he’s grouped in with a failed experiment regardless of his own success.      obviously before much darker and dirtier secrets are buried but still .... 

#you know because companies don't like failures #because one of thirty isn't a success #it isn't shiny and good in a report. its Terrbile. #and how so few people knew about the cv-a program. and that shiloh was part of it #and now he's just kind of this Guy #this guy thats very good at his job #that can stand his own against supes if need be. but /how/ isn't known except by those who are on the Need To Know(tm) #idk im thinkin out loud here #living and diving Deep in my feelings #not that it affected him any really. but he wasn't someone they boasted about. he was kind of swept under the rug #which made it easier for him to do the things he did obviously - easier for him to stay and work as their mess cleaner. their executioner. #the works but whew #WHEW #just thinkin

[courtney-deserved-better]

telling myself i can't start another tdwt rewrite but dear god do i want to write one focusing on alejandro and courtney in this weird situationship thats a lot more nuanced than just alejandro manipulating courtney and her falling for it. like theyre best friends they dont trust each other theyre the same person they dont know anything about the other one theres a mutual attraction theyre pining for other people theyre codependent they dont care about each other theyre platonic soulmates like i just want to do a deep dive into how messy that relationship couldve been building off of their friendship that exists in my head except the line between romantic and platonic is so fucking blurred they have no idea what they are to the other person

#they live rent free in my head as you can tell #ive been writing some intense moments for them in amicus curiae and im having a lot of Feelings about platonic alecourtney #tbh the whole concept of them replacing the best friends has been a great avenue for me to do a deep dive into their friendship #aughhhh i just. love them so much #and i do want to explore them in a situation where there is relationship potential even if that relationship never actually happens #because everything between them during tdwt could be so MESSY!! #like alejandro says he's just manipulating courtney but he's also doing it to make heather jealous but he's also genuinely worried about he #after the duncan thing but this is the only way he knows how to express that concern without making himself look weak #meanwhile courtney is falling for the act but she also knows its an act and is going with it for the emotional support it provides and shes #just doing it to make duncan/gwen jealous but she also is starting to see the real alejandro underneath it all because he does care even #though he doesn't want to and they do feel a strong connection that they dont know whether its platonic or romantic because romance is bein #shoved down their throats on this show and theyre both in complicated romantic dynamics with other people that theyre the easier option for #one another but they dont really want to be with one another like it just doesnt feel right #okay okay i legit have to stop and go to bed but just. them. im thinking so hard about them #platonic alecourtney

[writhe]

#TAGS TLDR YOU CAN NEVER TRULY GO HOME BUT DO YOU WANT TO? #writing a little for d&d and having feelings about this #it was really interesting jasper and i were working on some game mechanics and we kept getting stuck at weird parts and it developed into #this conversation where we realized we experience the world #in such fundamentally different ways. like specifically talking about how paranoia #manifests and stuff but even later in a broader sense like our experiences of time and everything is so different #and they'd be like 'well what if this is something that happened to lock' and id be like 'how could that be something that anyone would #experience' and they were like 'oh because i do' #(example here was my character not realizing he had been magically transported and filling in the blank with vague memories of travel but i #was like. are you not acutely aware of every single moment you are awake and in motion even if it is excruciatingly boring. and jasper #was like. 'oh...no. i could be transported from one place to another and if time passed i wouldnt even think about having traveled or not' #which was WILD to me but then we were like 'okay i guess this cannot be something that happened to lock' because i couldnt even fathom that #but like anyway idk we got weirdly deep dive-y about d&d stuff and personal lives and i had big feelings on it bc genuinely i feel like #there are facets and caverns in myself i have only ever touched in storytelling but particularly in this campaign #and i've joked a lot about Lock and other chars in this game being self inserts #but i mean it in a good way #like the ways we tell stories or experience a world we created together is going to be through an extension of ourselves etc #but it's interesting to me to consider the limitations that brings yknow? we all live by such vastly different sets of rules and #understandings #and im writing out some stuff now and im like. yknow. #lock can never truly go home. i can never truly go home. none of us can ever truly go home #home as shifting impermanence home as transience etc #2017 levi is back apparently but hes always been right

[the-lark-ascending69]

> be a robin buckley fan

> be lesbian

> project on robin

> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic

> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve

#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!'' #i have several grips about that interpretation #going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply) #to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take #a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his #inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect #him to be that smart #but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way #it fine #what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao #who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3) #3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too #like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's #rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc #the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭 #also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw #unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it) #like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her. #she's his friend. #but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones #where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭 #anti steddie #not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone #edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel #drowned in st3ddie posts #like something isn't right here

[order-of-the-eye]

I love space SO much. And it absolutely terrifies me too. If I wasn't terrified of space, and I was good at math, I'd be working at NASA. But even then I won't ever get to explore the galaxy in my lifetime, because we are nowhere near travel that equals the speed of light, and even then, lightspeed is still painfully slow on the cosmic scale.

Did you know that, no matter where we are in humanity, our sun will begin to die billions of years from now? We may all be dead and gone, or we may have evolved into something unrecognizable, or we may still be around. But one day, the Earth will be engulfed by the sun. Or it'll be thrown out of orbit. It'll be the end for Earth. We may have figured out how to go beyond the speed of light by then. We could have discovered that the Einstein-Rosen Bridge theory - wormholes - is real, and we could have used that to bend spacetime to our will and find somewhere new to call home, potentially even new universes.

But we don't know. Earth will likely become uninhabitable before the natural lifespan of our sun can engulf it, as a result of our very human mistakes and actions and impacts.

And... this is just a longwinded way of me saying, that's what Starfield is about.

It's about being human in the face of the divine, in the face of being so so so small in the universe. It's about conflict, the tragedy of it, how it can so easily destroy our humanity before time itself has the chance to. It's about looking at the petty wars between the UC and the Collective and going, "what are they doing? There is plenty of space for us all. This is only our galaxy, what about beyond?" It's about humanity pushing forward for answers about the universe and how they will always resort to the same petty violence over those answers. It's about how you can decide what you do with those answers. It's about looking in the eye of sure destruction that will certainly come one day, and say, "I will live and love in spite of it."

You can certainly become like the Hunter. You can continuously perpetuate the cycle of very human violence because that is all that is left to you, because you have embraced the uselessness of it all. Or you can become like the Pilgrim. You can settle down and bring love and kindness to others, and bring them knowledge, despite the fact that everything is pointless.

We are just starstuff. We come from the stars, and back to the stars we will eventually go, one way or another. And it's up to you to decide if you will embrace that as the only meaning in the universe, or if you will reject the simplicity of that, and embrace humanity, embrace love, embrace compassion, embrace meaning in spite of it all.

That is what Starfield is about. That's what it is about to me. And I love it.

#starfield spoilers #starfield #stfu cloud #starfield has made me go back to those SEA videos that i linked in the post #and i just. yeah. i have a lot of feelings about this game #ive immersed myself in the worlds bethesda has made #i have dived into the deep end of the elder scrolls lore #i have written fanfics for fallout and i've studied the themes and their reflections of our world #and yet starfield is just... something so special. #i mean they are all very special don't get me wrong #but i just. i think starfield came out at the perfect time in my life and perhaps that's the same for many others #here i am trying to get my life together after the pandemic #convinced that the world is too harsh for me to function as an adult within it #and then starfield comes out and it's such a comfort to me #i am right where i need to be. and i have the ability to live and love and move forward despite the world's harshness #i love this game. so much.

[edgygayguy]

I love Warframe so much because it's just complex enough to make it into the "videogames that could be analyzed as a work of art on the level of a good piece of literature" hall of fame but it's just messy enough for me to not want to do it lol

#brain too busy #my wish is making a 10 hour long video about the game #not just a 'here's a summary of the lore' #but like actually dive deep between the lines #I feel like every person who says 'games are art too!' are actually doing a disservice to the claim #because they just mean #that the art direction is sick music is cool and has lore with nice plot #and yeah those are really important #but I live for the few that actually approach the topic and go all out #this is a ramble huh #I just want people to analyze games as throughly as other art forms #because they deserve it #warframe

[awacatin]

Luv watching cave diving vids. Even those where the person is like almost wiggling their way thru, their face squished to the floor and watching them struggle to move forward just makes me feel morbidly fascinated.

I can almost understand why you'd want to subject yourself to something so awful, the excitement of finally squeezing thru that very tight gap onto a bigger space, getting that well-deserved air and body mobility back??? Must feel euphoric

#like yeah ik how dangerous it is bla bla but man #id kill to ever go deep sea caving #wish i could scuba dive so deep and get swallowed in darkness and pressure #txt #cave diving #tw claustrophobia #claustrophobia #taggin just in case #the oppressive saueezing darkness calls to me #but i live nowehere near big water areas #plus its surely a v expensive hobbie #n i dont got the time or money for it #id def b a buried avatar jajdjajasjjqjsja #maybe i havent experienced the genuine terror of feeling stuck and thats why i think it must feel great #plus i got a lotta tics on mobilty like my feet and shoulder blades #and if i dont get to move em every now n then i get a bit impatient #but yeah ill keep lying to myself #I SHOULD B ON THE DEEP SEA DOING CABLE MAINTENANCE #forgor the word for it but wgen u use that hot metal to stick other hot metal #soulder???? idk

[magnusmodig]

yeah i'm one spoon away from setting the ends of my hair on fire if i'm kindling for a little while at least i'll feel of use... promise me that you'll start where i end and i promise to give you everything that i am and it goes on, and on, and on... we'll go on and on and on in the end all i hope for is to be a bit of warmth for you when there's not a lot of warmth left to go around.

#(aka one of thor's many many many musical anthems that resides in my head) #(like gosh this song is PERFECT for the kind of thought processes that thor goes through on the daily?) #(the constant stress / the feeling you're only of use when you're burning alive) #(being happy and contented with that in a twisted kind of way because you may be burning but your kindling-) #(-will keep others warm like haha wow) #(really is the embodiment imo of thor's particular brand of self-sacrifice) #(steve does it for justice and standing up for the little guy which is honorable in and of itself) #(it fascinates me CONSTANTLY that thor legitimately does a similar thing...out of nothing and for nothing but the sake of love) #(whether it's love for his family / his homeland / for earth / for the people who live all across the universe) #(he just loves??? ALL of it. and of course there are some limits and he's not going to bumble over himself-) #(- to love another. but the idea of quasi-unconditional love that stems from this guy in his own way) #(i've always loved that about him and his values as a superhero the most) #(honestly i've loved steve's version of it too but having deep-dived into both men the past couple months) #(thor comes out on top every time) #( music . ) — the spirit of thunder is to be heard . #( ooc . ) — stories that leap from the page .

[pixiefms]

guys please zhanyi are fine they are fine

#don’t call paw patrol like #okay let’s deep dive into this #ONE #they have been best friends since the dawn of time #i’m talking they were 4 when they first met and THEY STUCK TO EACH OTHER #THATS A DECADE WORTH OF FRIENDSHIP #if i was zhan zhengxi i would be worried about so many things like #what if we break up #what if what i feel is actually just platonic love and then i break MY BEST FRIENDS HEART #WHO I HAVE KNOW FOR 67 YEARS BY BREAKING UP #WHAT OF WE BREAK UP AND ALSO LOSE OUR FRIENDAHIP #we can all tell that xixi loves jian yi you’d have to be blind not to know but #this was sprung onto him #he had to live through highly traumatic experiences #like jian yi literally disappeared there for a while for his protection #he got confessed to he basically got stabbed #like he’s dealing with A LOT right #obvs he’s going to take it slow #also mind you in the actual story it’s only been like maybe a couple weeks ??? months since jian yi confessed #like this shit takes time #AND THEN JIAN YI disappears #obvs their relationship is different from tianshans and also goes at a difference pace #and obvs xixi is going to resent jian yi a little bit for disappearing #EVEN THO HE PROMISED HIM HE WONT #and reappointing in his life THREE YEARS LATER EXPECTING EVERYTHING TO HUST GO BACK YO HOW IT WAS #like in three years xixi might have come to terms with jian yi not coming back #crushed the hope and the expectations only to have that all shattered #like let’s all be a little bit for real #19 days #zhanyi

[britneyshakespeare]

that’s my comfort celebrity scandal

#am i the only one who feels this #text post #the don't worry darling drama has given me a concerning amount of good energy #it's all fucking stupid and inane and largely innocuous #or at least as innocuous as powerful hollywood-type scandals get i suppose #the only person i like involved w the whole thing is chris pine and he does nothing wrong so that's a win for me #im not planning on looking into the whole adam levine thing but im already seeing ppl have this like. schadenfreude #do what you have to do guys i'm not judging you. #i love eating popcorn and watching the lives of ppl superior to me become embroiled in mess #it DOES distract me from my own mess thank you very much #and the best part is when it teaches nobody anything. that's entertainment! #i'm not like a gossip junkie by any means but when i like something i love it so like i said i can't judge. #plus the line between drama/commentary on the internet is very blurred bc it seems we're always talking about serious things these days #ppl will make lighthearted jokey videos about abuse and at the same time make hour-long deep dives on two unrelated friends' falling out #weird era we live in huh? #feel free to rb w your own comfort scandal this is a safe space #tales from diana

[catdadeddie]

Holy fuck, genuinely just go fuck off about the Kristen shit. Get help for the fact that other people's happiness is a problem for you and unfollow me.

#let me live my fucking life #how i enjoy my fandom experience is no one's goddamn business #to do a 'deep dive on my blog' to what? prove im delusional? is really fucking weird #(and this reaction isnt because you're right- its because i feel a little violated right now) #my blog may be public but it shouldnt be stalked to prove a really stupid point #fandom discourse #any other asks i get on this topic will be blocked and deleted #you all aren't going to convert people to agree with you but you will run them out of fandom #and since you won't stop watching the show? hows it going to feel when people get fed up and suddenly no ones making content

[newfruits]

i need a physiotherapist and massage therapist that will twist me up like a pretzel and stretch me and make my stupid fucking joints go in the right place and do deep tissue massage on the muscle knots until theyre gone. it will be painful as fuck but im living in a flare up right now and it sucks ass. im in so much more pain every day than usual and i would do just about anything to make it stop

#glub glub #for context i have fibromyalgia. and for me it manifests primarily as chronic muscle knots in my back and neck #which stem from joint issues and structural imbalances in my body and repetitive strain injuries from min wage jobs #and ive been living with one particularly problematic knot for many years and have tried as many things as i can afford #and none were helpful. tho im on a fibro medication that i feel like it takes the edge off the daily pain level #also i cant remember if this was before or after i remade my blog as a teen but around 17/18 #i had severe hip pain and needed a cane to get around school #i was insistent on getting an answer and was eventually told bursitis of the hip. which just means swelling #so they (the establishment) acknowledged that there was something wrong they could diagnose but not why #and over the years i would have moderate to severe pain in localized areas especially from working #needed to wear a knee brace to prevent what felt like joint laxity and pain while working snd going out for a long time #but sometimes the problem knee would switch. thankfully i never had both flaring at the same time #and then the issues i still have in my shoulder/neck/back on my right side from repetitive motion injuries from working #anyways i rambled on way longer than i meant to enjoy this deep dive into the history of my chronic pain

[sharkieboi]

started playing Abzu on my switch, finally, after owning it for literal years, and while I have no idea what the fuck is going on in terms of the story (WHAT are the triangles that keep electrocuting me and what are all these temples) it is so beautiful and enthralling and has honestly been really helpful in my sadness that I haven’t been able to swim or go to the beach or scuba dive in the past couple years

#shhh sharkie #I am going to the beach this year and will at least snorkel like that’s a resolution and i’m determined #I haven’t been swimming at all since before the pandemic and i MISS IT #even like I haven’t been able to take a bath instead of a shower in so long i NEED to be fully underwater before this year is up #discussing with my person about trying to plan a vacation to somewhere we can go snorkeling/scuba diving so that’s giving me a lot of hope #will satisfy my Urge To Submerge this year goddammit #anyway it feels like one of those games like Monument Valley that it’s just this simple but beautiful environment that you puzzle out #and I love seeing all of the different sea creatures!! #omg I just got to the diving with the whales bit and I was just so stricken it was beautiful #going down with the right whales and having the humpbacks pass you coming back up #and then the blue whales holy shit the camera zoom that shows you that you can only see their eye that’s how big they are #and then the sperm whales and giant squid in The Deep too #it’s incredible what a wonderful game #serendipity i do think i’m experiencing it at a time that i needed something like this but still why did i wait so long to play #actually i know it was cause my joycons broke (fuck u nintendo) and the limited functions meant I couldn’t actually play #and then I did get new off brand ones (that are much better) but was going through mental health hell cause broken knee #and didn’t have the brain capacity to actually start a new game #ANYWAY it’s a beautiful game and I need to get into the ocean asap but in the meantime I’m living vicariously through this game #still don’t know what the fuck is going on with the actual story though #I just like finding the meditate spots #s2g the deep sea one is just obsessed with hatchetfish cause I kept going next and it was like ten in a row before I got something different

[deargravity]

had something to say abt akashi but it goes against the general consensus about something and i dont feel like writing an entire thinkpiece on osdd and cluster b disorders and the reality that everyone wants to talk about psychopathology until it’s time to acknowledge some disorders can literally result in behaviours that can violate moral conventions and social norms but that’s a complicated vein of argument i don’t want to get into. ball is life, let’s be silly, akashi is so pookie though.

#🥀.talks #everyone always comes full circle to demonising one disorder or the other when they handle these topics so carelessly #dont feel like deep diving into my lived experience with these disorders to justify my understanding either #ball is life

[xanaxspritz]

an: a continuation of these perv!nanami headcanons. im a journalist for my work and i had so many deadlines this past week. sorry for slight inactivity !!!

synopsis: nanami knew he was in trouble when you mentioned you were a virgin. he's been obsessed with bedding you ever since then

cw: perv!nanami, creampie, overstimulation, slight power imbalance, virgin afab! reader

nanami felt his own heart pounding when he opened the his apartment door for you. you looked so sweet, so delicate in the mini soft pink sundress you wore. your lips upturned into that shy flirty smile of yours that always drove him crazy. you looked good enough for him to eat whole.

he wondered if his intentions had been clear enough when he invited you over for the first time. unknowingly or not, you teased him relentless for weeks and weeks, from batting your doe eyes at him to slowly, day by day, showing up to his office at work in a much more revealing outfit than yesterday. you made him mad with lust.

and now he has you squirming on his couch, panties soaked and pulled aside with his thick fingers sliding in and out of you, thumb rubbing on top of your clit.

"that's it princess. you're doing so good," he says softy into your thigh, digging his fingers even deeper inside you. "need to stretch you out first."

"p-please i can't..." you mewl out. "it feels too g-good!"

"i know, i know. don't fight it, stay with me love." he reassures. determined to give you your first orgasm, he took out his digits and fully removed your pretty pink panties, diving into your wet heat, savoring and licking up all your deliciousness. the deep heat you felt down inside blossomed into a bright, mind numbing feeling that took over your whole being, as if you were floating on a cloud.

"good?" he asked.

you nodded, your head in a haze. never in your life have you felt this good, and you didn't want him to stop.

"im going to fuck you now. okay?"

"o-okay..." you watch him strip down to boxers, wondering how much trouble you would be in taking his girthy length.

"just relax," he whispers hovering on top of you, throwing your legs over his shoulders.

you felt his tat tip rubbing at your slick entrance, feeling every inch of him slide into you until he was fulling seated. it felt like he was slowly ripping you apart.

"kento, it hurts..." you whine.

"shh..ill go slow."

your pussy was intoxicating, so tight and snug around his cock, like a fitted glove. the fact that he was even fucking your little virgin pussy made him want to cum instantly, but he refrained, fucking deep long stokes into you.

"so fucking good," he moaned. "like you were made for me."

your eyes started to roll into the back of your head with pleasure as each stroke of his fat cock filled your pussy up. the living room filled with your soft whimpers and moans that made nanami's cock impossibly harder.

"i want to cum in your sweet little pussy. will you let me?"

too much of a daze, you nodded your head yes. loads and loads of his warm cum filled deep inside your womb. nanami pulled out, leaving the rest of the sticky substance to drip on to your inner thighs.

you didnt realize how tight you were gripping nanami's shoulders until he pulled off you, red finger marks rippled along his collarbones.

still fucked out, you rolled into his arms, where he holds you so dearly as if you were a piece of fine china he was scared to drop.

"good girl," he mumbled into your hair. "taking my cock so perfectly."

next time he would fuck you even harder, faster. he wanted to absolutely drunk on his cock, like it was only thing you knew. and since he was so blessed to be the one to take your virginity, he wouldn't let anyone else inside you.

#jjk smut #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen nanami #nanami smut #nanami kento smut #nanami x reader #nanami x you #nanami x y/n #kento nanami #nanami x fem!reader

[entropic-prince]

what you guys don't realize is when i'm not thinking about tattoos and piercings i'm gonna get i'm just sitting here listening to this and remembering when i did this scene it was night time and it was just fucking downpour rain (idk if that was scripted or not but here we are)

and it was the first time in the game (with how i played through it) that i had to sit down and take a breather because my heart ached

#about coop #a few things #after this scene i quit being so absolutely combative with johnny #the game literally made me go from hating this parasite that was killing me to genuinely finding some compassion for him #it really did just tear me up #also maybe this is why my mental health takes such deep dives lmfao #the other song mix from this youtube channel i listen to is the song you have to Make Your Decision To #and it STILL to THIS DAY over 2 YEARS LATER makes my stomach SICK #it makes me feel like i'm going to VOMIT because i remember being SO UPSET #i still genuinely believe there is no ending where v lives. #Youtube