#like. my big Sick Trauma Feeling memories from that time are a) court and b) Oh No My Phone Is Ringing Again

[thedreadvampy]

hey fun thing. fun thing I'm experiencing lately. is that the case which every terf journo in the fucking UK is freaking themselves about FINALLY being able to put on the front page - trans woman convicted of rape sent to women's prison - is uhhhhhhhh. really close to home? emotionally? for me? and it's on every fucking newsstand????

(obviously transparent as fuck every time that everyone's suddenly so concerned about the wellbeing of women in prison when all the same publications are usually in the CRIMINAL SCUM PRISONS ARE TOO SOFT TRAIN but OKAY. OKAY. since you suddenly care so much about female prisoners shall we uhhhhh idk address the rate of sexual assaults by guards? police? other cisgender prisoners? maybe rethink the whole 'prison' thing as a whole? oh this is just about how you think trans women are scary again? cool. cool cool cool.)

#red said #the commonality. not to overshare. is that i was raped in 2013 by someone who then went to court in 2015-16 following another incident #and that was a wake-up call for her about her increasingly bad drug and alcohol use and blackouts (which was what happened in both cases) #and so she started self examining on that and partway through the case she realised she was trans #and the thing is i know this bc despite what she did we were still friends by the time it went to court #i was a supporting witness because my experience was used as evidence that it was a pattern of out of control behaviour #anyway it dragged on for a while. even longer bc she was a us national in the us military so the civil case was dropped but #there was also a military investigation #which i didn't have to provide evidence for in the end but i was on the hook not knowing if i would need to for like. another 2 years. #anyway the transition aside there's a lot else about this case which resonates with my experience during that time??? #and it sucked a lot going through that case and i would prefer not to have to think about it every time i pop to the fucking supermarket??? #(also this is gonna sound bad but the thing i resent most about that whole affair was that during the case and her early transition #she leant on me for support a LOT? so i was doing all this trauma reliving and giving witness statements but also before and after that #she called me almost every day to talk about the toll it was taking on her. and i was like. i think you're right to talk about this #and i think you need support right now #but i also think. it's fucking wild that you think I'm the person to offer that when i just told you you assaulted me in a drunken blackout #like. my big Sick Trauma Feeling memories from that time are a) court and b) Oh No My Phone Is Ringing Again #anyway. this is a big trauma dump that may be misinterpreted which is why i don't talk about the case that much? #but this is part of why i hate terfs so much. the insistence on treating an individual's shit behaviour as condemnation of All Trans People #makes it Really Fucking Hard for those of us who've experienced individual shitty behaviour from a trans person #but recognise that that's just a statistical probability based on how many people do shitty things in the population at large #to talk about harm we've experienced without being coopted to a genocidal narrative

[gold-on-ice]

// ‘OMERTA’ PERSPECTIVES PLAYLISTS // “Minako had said he was a blessing - that his pockets were deep and Yuuri was lucky to have caught his eye. But Viktor Nikiforov was a curse, and Yuuri finds himself trapped in a world of blood and death where it takes violence to mend what is broken.”

SIDE A: VIKTOR NIKIFOROV // LE MANIAQUE

Mania is a state of abnormally elevated (feelings of) arousal, affect and energy level, where the overall activation is heightened as well as expressions (actions) of affect that are also enhanced. Freud considered that the maniac individual must have suffered a great and traumatic loss (something that could also be linked to the Oedipus Complex phase) and the ego unable to properly deal as it was supposed to turns all of its energy at a target that will act as a substitute for the object of affection that was lost in order to fulfill that gap. Obsessive and violent behaviour might be characteristics indentified in a maniac individual, though they may vary.

SIDE B: YUURI KATSUKI // CUPIO DISSOLVI

Cupio dissolvi is a latin locution that means (literally) «I wish to be dissolved». This concept has played an important role in the discussion on suicide. Some other reflexions and interpretations considered something like one’s desire to leave life in order to die, so that they could join God in the afterlife and end their sufferings, being able to become once again pure in the eyes of God. Freud believed that it wasn't only a simple matter of having a death wish, it also had something to do with the struggle one goes through in a lifetime while trying to fight against the intense impulse or desire for death (most likely linked to his concept of death drive).

SIDE A: VIKTOR NIKIFOROV // LE MANIAQUE 

bloodsport sneaker pimps I want to be a kid again, combed down hair and Sunday best. See me staying out bunking school, knowing wrong from right, just rules. I wish I'd never seen your face. Better door than window phase, I need an echo, not your praise. Straying from the point you nailed. My mother, my mother, my mother never told love is just a bloodsport. Sex and love is not a game, a game is something you can win.

mutter rammstein [English] I have sworn tonight I will send her a sickness, and afterwards make her sink in the river. Mother, an eel lives in her lungs. On my forehead, a birthmark, remove it with the kiss of a knife, even if it causes me to die. Mother! An eel lives in her lungs, On my forehead, a birthmark, remove it with the kiss of a knife, even if it causes me to bleed to death. Mother... Oh, give me strength.

control halsey They send me away to find them a fortune, a chest filled with diamonds and gold. The house was awake with shadows and monsters, the hallways they echoed and groaned. I sat alone in bed 'til the morning, I'm crying. They're coming for me. And I tried to hold these secrets inside me, my mind's like a deadly disease. I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home. I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than these bones. And all the kids cried out: "Please stop, you're scaring me!" I can't help this awful energy. Goddamn right, you should be scared of me! Who is in control?

dangerous big data & joywave And now they're coming, now they're coming out from the shadows to take me to the court because they know that I'll shut this down, 'cause they been watching all my windows. They've gathered up the warrant 'cause they... You understand they've got a plan for us. I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous. It must be fate, I found a place for us. I bet you didn't know someone could love you this much. How could they know, how could they know what I've been thinking? Like they're right inside my head because they know, because they know, what I've been hiding. They're right under my bed, they're on patrol.

infra-red placebo One last thing before I shuffle off the planet, I will be the one to make you crawl.  So I came down to wish you an unhappy birthday. Someone call the ambulance, there's gonna be an accident. I'm coming up on infra-red, there is no running that can hide you, 'cause I can see in the dark. I'm coming up on infra-red, forget your running, I will find you. One more thing before we start the final face-off, I will be the one to watch you fall, so I came down to crash and burn your bagger's banquet.

one way or another until the ribbon breaks One way or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you. One way or another, I'm gonna win you, I'm gonna get you, get you. One way or another, I'm gonna see you, I'm gonna meet you. One day, maybe next week, I'm gonna meet you, I'm gonna meet you. And I will drive by your house, and if the lights are all down, then I'll see who's around. One way or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna get you.

climbing up the walls radiohead I am the key to the lock in your house that keeps your toys in the basement. And if you get too far inside, you'll only see my reflection. It's always best when the candle's out, I am the pick in the ice. Do not cry out or hit the alarm, you know we're friends 'til we die. And either way you turn, I'll be there. Open up your skull, I'll be there, climbing up the walls. 

an unhealthy obsession the blake robinson They call it creeping, I say loving, it's the only way for me. Filling out papers, signing waivers but I stay outside his reach, I name your mother and your father and the first pet that you keep, I know your favourite place to dine at when your cheque comes in each week. I know you do your wash on Sundays and you separate your whites, and that your car needs a new tire 'cos last week I laid those spikes. I've got a million polaroids with all the dates penned in red ink, I sneak a walkie-talky in your room to listen to you sleep. You just don't know it yet, but you love me and I love you the same. One day we'll have a pretty wedding and I'll be your everything, we'll be together, yes forever, we will never ever part. Oh, you don't know it yet, but baby I've already got your heart. 

every breath you take chase holfelder Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you. Oh can't you see you belong to me? How my poor heart aches with every step you take. Every move you make, every vow you break, every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I'll be watching you.

i know i’m a wolf young heretics Dear rabbit, my legs are getting weak chasing you. The snow fields wouldn't seem so big if you knew that this blood on my teeth, it is far beyond dry and I've captured you once, but I wasn't quite right, so I'm telling you that you'll be safe with me. Rabbit, my claws are dull now so don't be afraid, I could keep you warm as long as you can just try to be brave. Yes, I know I'm a wolf, and I've been known to bite, but the rest of my pack, I have left them behind and my teeth may be sharp, and I've been raised to kill, but the thought of fresh meat, it is making me ill. So I'm telling you that you'll be safe with me. So rabbit, please stop looking the other way. It's cold out there, so why not stay here under my tail?

in your dreams dark dark dark Kiss your face, turn your cheek, lay your head down, lay your head down. Don't say nothing, no. I can see when you're lying, oh. When you're alone, you're so alone. We all have dreams we forget, when you're alone, you're so alone. Now you want to go where no one is lonely, and rose water drips from my mouth like honey, oh.  

sadist crystal castles Keep them on this course, graceful without remorse, paresthesia. It's fine, you're fine. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. Life without conscience, the disdain is just consequence. Await their ascent, a blessed event, paresthesia. It's fine, you're fine. You'll be fine. We're here to circumvent.

3 × 3 bloc party Three times three, first cut first pierce the skin, it binds us. Spit cum blood, liquid wax, no one loves you as much as us. By all in me that’s holy, by all in me that’s blessed, I made to you a promise that this is forever and ever, amen. Three times three, lose all fear, let the flames dry those tears. It takes hurt to be pure. Now you’re one of us. No means no. No/Yes. No... Yes?

written in blood she wants revenge Blood red lips traced with a tongue, they shine, cut through a crowded room. A look can say a lot sometimes, and so I take all my past attractions and project on you. Every disappointment and mistake, some resentment from a one-night heartbreak. My head is spinning, my hands go damp, but still I force an introduction and I ask you to dance. You feel like home up against me so close, though we've just met tonight. There's still so much that we still don't know, but I'm fairly certain that we just might work out right. Then again it can all go up in flames, and I'll take you down in the name of love. But for now let's kiss hard, fuck the games. All or nothing, it's written in blood. On the way to the wedding, dressed in black, he said: "Sorry lover but you can't look back." She says: "Oh no!"

mercy iamx Mercy. When I melt in the kiss by the words and the whispers you sing me. Mercy. I'm frail in the kill by submission and will that you bring me. Mercy. When I'm nothing but ego you slap me to let go and sleep free, now I sleep free. You're my toy box, you're my memories, when I smell your skin, you just make my whole world weep. I'm at your feet, I'm at your feet. Mercy. When the grey turns to black and the wave's on my back, you make me smile. Mercy... is the trauma no martyr you crush into pleasure and downtown. Mercy... It's the shining of you that just breaks me in two like a lifeline. You're my lifeline. (...) I celebrate your chemistry, if you bond with me, I could make your whole world sweet. I'm on my knees.

born villain marilyn manson You'll have to cut it down and burn me into splinters, or I'll unwrap the string that was me around your finger, and I'll hang you in your bedroom burial ground. There is a taste for blood and it's something deep inside. Become, become. I don't ever want God to hear our screams and mistake them for prayers. And you know I'm loaded, but not which chamber. Touch me and I'll go click, click, click, click, click. I'm born villain, don't pretend to be a victim.

in-a-gadda-da-vida iron butterfly In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, honey, don't you know that I love you? In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true? Oh, won't you come with me and take my hand? Oh, won't you come with me and walk this land? Please take my hand.

SIDE B: YUURI KATSUKI // CUPIO DISSOLVI 

tag, you’re it melanie martinez Looking at me through your window, boy, you had your eye out for a little. "I'll cut you up and make you dinner, you've reached the end, you are the winner." Rolling down your tinted window, driving next to me real slow, he said: "Let me take you for a joyride, I've got some candy for you inside." Running through the parking lot, he chased me and he wouldn't stop. Tag, you're it! Tag, tag, you're it! Grabbed my hand and pushed me down, took the words right out my mouth. Tag, you're it! Tag, tag, you're it! Can anybody hear me when I'm hidden underground? Can anybody hear me when I'm talking to myself, saying: "Tag, you're it, tag, tag, you're it"? Little bit of poison in me, I can taste your skin in my teeth. "I love it when I hear you breathing, I hope to God you're never leaving."  (...) Eenie-meenie-miny-mo, catch a lady by her toes, if she screams, don't let her go. Eenie-meenie-miny-mo, your mother said to pick the very best girl and I am. 

nightmare avenged sevenfold Now your nightmare comes to life. Dragged you down below, down to the devil's show to be his guest forever. Peace of mind is less than never. Hate to twist your mind, but God ain't on your side and old acquaintance severed. Burn the world your last endeavor. Flesh is burning, you can smell it in the air, 'cause men like you have such an easy soul to steal. So stand in line while they ink numbers in your head, you're now a slave until the end of time here. Nothing stops the madness, turning, haunting, yearning. Pull the trigger! You should have known the price of evil and it hurts to know that you belong here. Yeah. oh, it's your fuckin' nightmare! (...) You've been lied to, just to rape you of your sight and now they have the nerve to tell you how to feel. (...) No one to call, everybody to fear. Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah.(...) And I know you hear their voices calling from above, and I know they may seem real these signals of love, but our life's made up of choices, some without appeal.

deux the gazette [English] I find the answer in depths of despair, irreversible. I pray for it all to be a dream, this is an inferno. You’re my enemy, you show it when you destroy my reversible dreams. Scary night, pain obeys my split mind, I pray for a nightmare. I’m weakened, stretched too thin, my heart closes and surfaces in the darkness of unconsciousness. Whose fault is it that nights sleeping in isolation are scary? 

freak on a leash korn Something takes a part of me, something lost and never seen. Every time I start to believe, something's raped and taken from me. Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light?) Can't they chill and let me be free?  (So do I!) Can't I take away all this pain? (You wanna see the light?) I try to every night all in vain. Sometimes I cannot take this place, sometimes it's my life I can't taste. Sometimes I cannot feel my face, you'll never see me fall from grace. Something takes a part of me, you and I were meant to be. A cheap fuck for me to lay, something takes a part of me. Feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like I have no release. How many times have I felt diseased? 

an evening with el diablo chevelle High up on you, you display good traits, though few. We've found time alone will tell. Tthis disease keeps holding me down. Try to run when near sleep, to imagine us away. He said come, fly around my hell, and know this, you seem to be too scared to run. Too scared to run. Wish I had your faults, nothing seems to phase you. Lies! You're much more than just human.

bulletproof… i wish i was radiohead Limb by limb and tooth by tooth, tearing up inside of me, every day every hour, I wish that I was bulletproof. Wax me, mould me, heat the pins and stab them in. You have turned me into this, just wish that I was bulletproof. So pay the money and take a shot, leadfill the hole in me. I could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate and bulletproof.

vessel nine inch nails I let you put it in my mouth, I let it get under my skin, I let you put it in my veins, I let you take me from within. They tell us what we can and cannot do, same thing we've heard 100 times before. Well, I put you inside of me, but none of that matters anymore. Oh my God, can it go any faster? Oh my God, I don't think I can last here. 

broken lund Will you end my pain? Will you take my life? Will you bleed me out? Will you hang me out to dry? Will you take my soul in the midnight rain? While I'm falling apart, while I'm going insane. Can you break my bones? Will you tear my skin? Can you taste my lust? Can you feel my sin? See I'm a waste of life, I should just kill myself. Yeah, I could slit my wrists, but it really wouldn't help, it wouldn't fix my issues or change your mind. Cause I broke your heart and you buried mine, now I'm 6 feet deep and I can't breathe. I got dirt in my eyes and blood on my sleeves, but I dig my way up. 

tourniquet evanescence I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more, so much more. I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? My God my tourniquet, return to me salvation. Do you remember me? Lost for so long, will you be on the other side or will you forget me? (...) I want to die. My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for deliverance. Will I be denied Christ, tourniquet, my suicide.

bother stone sour Wish I was too dead to cry, my self-affliction fades. Stones to throw at my creator, masochists to which I cater. You don't need to bother, I don't need to be. I'll keep slipping farther, but once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds. Wish I was too dead to care, if indeed I cared at all. Never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season. For this, I gave up trying, one good turn deserves my dying. Wish I'd died instead of lived, a zombie hides my face, shell forgotten with its memories, diaries left with cryptic entries.

one step closer linkin park I cannot take this anymore, saying everything I've said before.  All these words they make no sense, I find bliss in ignorance. The less I hear the less you'll say, you'll find that out anyway, just like before. Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break. I need a little room to breathe, 'cause I'm one step closer to the edge. I'm about to break. I find the answers aren't so clear, I wish I could find a way to disappear, all these thoughts they make no sense. 

duality slipknot I have screamed until my veins collapsed, I've waited as my time's elapsed. Now, all I do is live with so much fate, I've wished for this, I've bitched at that. I've left behind this little fact: you cannot kill what you did not create. I've gotta say what I've gotta say and then I swear I'll go away, but I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise. I guess I'll save the best for last, my future seems like one big past. You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice. I push my fingers into my eyes, it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache. If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it. Put me back together or separate the skin from bone, leave me all the pieces, then you can leave me alone.

waiting for the world to end mother mother Back in the head where I see red where the beast and the beauty coalesce. I give in to a morbid fantasy, death to a billion families and me. Give me fire, burning hell, throw it on my paper trail and I’ll watch as all the numbers go up in a cloud of dark and dirty smoke. Ya, I’m just waiting for the end of the world, end of the whole wide world. 

hold me down halsey I sold my soul to a three-piece and he told me I was holy. He's got me down on both knees, but it's the devil that's tryna hold me down, hold me down. Sneaking out the back door, make no sound, knock me out, knock me out, saying that I want more, this is what I live for. Hold me down, hold me down. Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown, knock me out, knock me out. Selfish, taking what I want and call it mine, I'm helpless, clinging to a little bit of spine. They rush me, telling me I'm running out of time. They shush me (shhh!), walking me across a fragile line.

zombie the pretty reckless I'm not listening to you, I am wandering right through existence with no purpose and no drive 'cause in the end we're all alive. Two thousand years I've been awake, waiting for the day to shake. Dear all of you who've wronged me, I am, I am a zombie. Again, again you want me to fall on my head. I am, I am, I am a zombie. How low, how low, how low will you push me to go, to go, to go, before I lie down dead. Blow the smoke right off the tube, kiss my gentle burning bruise, I'm lost in time. And to all the people left behind, you are walking dumb and blind, blind.

paranoid android radiohead When I am king, you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all. What's that? I may be paranoid, but not an android. Ambition makes you look pretty ugly, kicking and squealing gucci little piggy. You don't remember, you don't remember. Why don't you remember my name? Off with his head, man! Off with his head, man! Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does! Rain down, rain down. Come on, rain down on me from a great height. That's it, sir, you're leaving. The crackle of pigskin, the dust and the screaming, the yuppies networking, the panic, the vomit. God loves his children... yeah.

raining blood hot sugar [Instrumental]

Omerta was written by @kashoku-sinpai and it’s a very intense kind of reading. It’s insanely fucked up, probably everyone’s guilty pleasure in this fandom and I loved it dearly, so these mixes sort of happened. 

#mine #8tracks #playlist #viktor nikiforov #katsuki yuuri #omerta #kashoku-sinpai #kashoku #i tagged it 8tracks but it's actually spotify #mafia au #viktuuri #yuri on ice #fanfiction