#like yeah some of it's the anxiety

[seagullcharmer]

also thinking abt the one post that's like 'how come when people talk abt time blindness they're only ever late? hurr durr why don't time blind people show up EARLY??' i hate it. i AM the sort of time blind adhd person who shows up early

#libra.txt #like yeah some of it's the anxiety #but i WILL be ready for stuff way in advance #if you've ever scheduled a voice chat with me please know that i start getting my computer ready at least twenty minutes early #like if you say 'yeah let's call at 6! :-)' at five i'll tell everyone in the house that i have a voice call please don't bother me #and have my mic ready by 5.30 and then just Wait. #unless something has come up and/or i am Inconvenienced #i'm the time blind person that assumes everything takes way longer than it actually does #(except cooking. i'm really bad at estimating cooking times) #it takes 20-30 minutes to get to most of my appts. most of my appts tell me to arrive 10-20 minutes before my actual appt time #if left to my own volition i would arrive to almost all of my appts half an hour in advance #(which works out well for my surgical oncologist bc for whatever reason he always seems to be running ahead of schedule) #(i'll have an appt for 10.30 and get there at 9.55 [check-in downstairs takes FOREVER] and he'll call me back at 10.05) #unfortunately the rad onc is the opposite. it doesn't matter what time i show up. an hour early. half hour early. #ten minutes before the scheduled time. she is only ever late. #i have waited half an hour in the waiting room and then an hour IN the appt room before seeing her. i know she's very busy but. um. please #anyway. yeah a lot of us with adhd run late (my irl friends are almost always late) #but some of us DO show up early to things #i have shown up to appts two hours early on accident #i can be ready to go in ten minutes flat #(which gets frustrating bc my parents will tell me to get up early and then i sit around for half an hour waiting for them to get ready. #that's a half hour i could have been asleep) #perhaps this makes me sound selfish and lazy. alas. i have chronic insomnia and chronic fatigue. i love to sleep. #would love to wake up well rested one day #libra's oversharing again #< should probably be a main tag at this point

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

#mlp #yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia. #yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show #but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!! #i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse #in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character #personal #delete later #unless you like this analysis stuff #i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did #cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her #mother and father as a teenager #i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased #but i'll put some in the tags #involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity #anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention #(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff #long post #regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at #a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[your-subby-creature]

For all my autistic or otherwise ND folks out there, I'd like to make an addition to the old adage:

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower

If you feel like the world itself hates you, stim

#Creature rambles #been taking like 30 minute stim sessions before bed recently and that shit is game changing #helps my anxiety sm #but yeah no if brain too small for thoughts and world HOSTILE and MEAN maybe its time to flap your hands and listen to some tunes

[moeblob]

I am really tired of a situation rn.

#fe three houses #felix hugo fraldarius #me using felix on my angy days because he is my angersona? you bet! #anyway if you want to try to get someones money or something bc you hurt your own car banging into mine #can you try to be a bit more timely with it buddy come on you hit me on feb29 ! #why am i getting your insurance company calling me today ! #also i would like to point out i didnt do it and neither of us were hurt and i filed a claim with my own insurance comp #and also filed a police report bc he didnt even suggest calling the cops to the scene #so like yeah hey man maybe you and your insurance company can move a lil faster or smth #literally everything that happened the day of is - according to my dad - an intimidation tactic #i look like im 15 and he probably thinks he can take advantage of a new driver but ya know! tough luck! #im just really tired and stressed over multiple things not negative so getting this on top of it was like #bro .................... anyway my phone didnt pick up for some reason so i called back and then nothing got resolved #cause the person who actually called me wasnt around to connect the line to from the guy who answered #idk man just its a lot despite my v minimal energy #got a job interview on monday tho ! and then also next week is an eye exam #and you might be thinking isnt that a good thing to get your eyes checked? you are correct but i am horrified #there are two body parts that give me absolute anxiety and eyes are one of them #and i know my eye sight is declining and im just v anxious #its fine im going to be fine i just have to be anxious about it

[bootyful-seventeen]

Oh gosh okay so I went back to marinating more on long haired Jihoon, but specifically long haired Jihoon getting pegged has me chewing on the bars of my enclosure to get out

Like just think of how pretty he'd look when he's on all fours and your fucking into him!! His chest blushed and heaving from how needy he is for you and the way your touch just feels so good and electric running along your skin! Your fingers then threading through his hair to pull his head up to see his thoroughly fucked out and flushed face in the mirror you placed in front of the bed. His eyes rolling back into his skull as cute little whimpers and cries slip from his lips when you brush your lips along his shoulder and licking up his neck before nibbling on his earlobe. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh and even the louder moans he'd make if you gripped his cheeks in your hands and pounded him into the mattress, his back arching so nicely that you can't help but run a hand up his spine and wrap his long hair around your fist while he trembled underneath you whimpering about how he's gonna cum. Your eyes dropping down to watch his slick hole swallowing your strap on with ease from being played with for so long before getting bent over. Jihoon's whines getting louder from hand slipping between his thighs to jerk off his leaky cock until he's releasing spurts onto the sheets under him. Tears springing from his eyes as you fuck him at a harder and faster pace until he was left gasping for air, his thighs shaking from keeping his ass up when your strap slips out of his trembling hole and a relieved smile on his face as you cooed about how good he was for you, and how he looks so pretty all fucked out like this between kisses along his spine

#seventeen smut #woozi smut #jihoon smut #i'm sorry i'm back in my geto jihoon thoughts of him with some long hair. like long ass hair like him and this started cuz #i saw a post on ig from the alley saying that they'll have more jjk merch coming soon and i really wanna get the keychains #especially since my slutty little toji is included too like oh my god #but yeah i think i might be good enough to try writing again but bit by bit #mostly cuz the ways i've been coping with stress and anxiety hasn't been as effective but writing this has helped me calm down a bit #and get me focused on something else cuz i've had too many peer reviews that i think i should probably get assessed by a doctor soon #but yee ya girl sammy is making baby steps of a return rn since writing this didn't feel draining at all and it made me so happy!!! #this shit has me feeling like austin powers when he got his mojo back lmaooooo #m:jihoon

[m-art77]

Do you guys ever think about how if redeemed!Durge pulls out of Gortash’s alliance after returning with Orin’s Netherstone that Gortash literally cannot rationalize their betrayal (and them now trying to kill him) by blaming their urge? Like how much of a complete mindfuck that would be for him. The Dark Urge just told him they’re 100% cured and now they’re trying to kill him? You know, the person who’s always been by their side, their partner in crime, their equal, and their (potential) lover; and now they’re trying to murder him. And prior to the amnesia, Gortash could always rationalize that if The Dark Urge tried to kill him one day that he could hand wave it as “they just couldn’t help themselves anymore” because of Bhaal’s hold on them. It doesn’t mean they wanted to.

But now, Bhaal is gone and The Dark Urge is moving in to kill him. There’s no way to rationalize it as anything else. The only person who ever cared about him is going to kill him, and he’ll die knowing everything they once had is completely gone. The Dark Urge doesn’t remember him. Their love for him died the moment Orin split their skull. The urge isn’t the reason they’re doing this. He’ll die knowing that they hate him.

#me to Gort: damn bro get ready for the whiplash cause it’s coming in at full force in 3 ..2…1…😵‍💫😵‍💫 #the anti-anxiety robe was really working overtime those last few moments #sad Gort noises (as I burn him alive) #my dark urge was like yeah fuck this dude I got Shart now lol #but secretly he was kind of sad like damn I really roasted this baddie 🥲 I can’t even revive him I feel bad🥲 #also daddy bane needs to stop torturing my man here #eternal punishment is 👎👎 #I hate that trope lol idc what the person did #it gives me the ick bad #esp cause like…Gort sucks fr but he deserves rest at some point like everyone else good or evil #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 durge #larian studios #the dark urge #gortash bg3 #gortash x durge #durgetash #enver gortash #lord gortash #also yeah Karlach loved him too so not the only person that cared about him #but I would argue that Gortash would say only Dark Urge knew the real him or whatever #even though I think that’s bullshit and Karlach saw a man capable of good and compassion but unfortunately he sucks #and can’t do a nice thing to save his life lmao

[chibishortdeath]

Haven’t drawn him in his CV1 era design in a while. I think his neck is a little long lol, but otherwise I’m pretty happy with this doodle :3.

#castlevania #castlevania games #simon belmont #art post #akumajou dracula #castlevania nes #my art #fanart #castlevania fanart #doodle post #yeah not a whole lot today but it’s something #I keep telling myself that I’ve gotta get more comfortable with just posting one image every so often #sometimes one doodle is enough methinks #anyway hehehe I love drawing Simon hehe #I always give him this air of anxiety everytime idk why but it just happens #maybe cause like being brave implies being scared #I would LOVE to go on some long rant about how I usually characterize him but like #I gotta get all of the ideas together and making sense first 💀💀💀 #I have sooooo much to say tho I just #I could write so many YouTube video essays about this little guy who doesn’t speak my god—

[seagull-scribbles]

*Aggressively throws this at your head*

#tmnt 2012 #TMNT #Raphael #casey jones #dudes is it gay to kiss your best friend in the cheek #is it gay to hold your favourite companion close and smile agianst their skin? #asking for a friend lmao #urgh idk why I’m so embarrassed about posting this #I don’t usually draw humans like ever so this was an experience #I’ve nearly finished season 3 of the 2012 show it’s really nostalgic #I’m a multi shipper at heart so I’m torn between ahaha Raphael gay and has aro ace king we the same #anyway yeah cringe is dead but I’m going to go on a little 4 week hiatus #which is in no way shape or form because I’m embarrassed #2012 rasey #rasey #if I grow some balls while I’m away I’ll keep practicing humans and share some headcanons but alas I’m getting the anxieties #oh my friend laughed at me for going outside the lines but that’s intentional I wanted to add to the grimey aesthetic they have #casey jones 2012

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life has changed since I learned how to play Bach’s Invention No. 13 from memory on the piano

#it’s so good. I’m ready to flex at a moment’s notice #unfortunately I told my students this and they thought it was so funny and now they want me near a piano #this is part of what’s causing the anxiety. I’m flying a little too close to the sun in how I talk to them these days #akskjejejeejjejejejjejejdjejej #some students: hey you dress like the perfect ideal of an English teacher I could make a Pinterest board about you #me: yeah I know #lakekekeejejejej I HAVE to get the ego in check #and I said it with a smile! #but yeah a lot is sort of …. cresting at school rn and breaking through #and it’s good and also brings with it its own fears and also I like Taylor have some gremlin energy and like to fly too close to the sun #wow this was a journey #Saturdays are for processing #but yeah Bach helps #akkskskejejjeje #teaching tag #I guess?

[arins-art-alley]

oh my gosh OH MY GOSH I NEED MORE BABY WEREKRAKENS THEY ARE so cute (only if you wanna) Did werekraken callie n marie get along?

Bbys!!! Their bond was so good, callie was actually the one werekraken that could calm marie down!

#thank you and everyone else who sent asks!! i'm trying to get to them #but i have some work so pls b patient :33 #but yeah werekraken bby callie and marie were very close. #bby marie didn't get the whole idea of why SHOULDN'T I bite the arms off of everything #and was generally very upset #but with werekraken callie ( who got used to the form easier and was dealt with the instincts better ) she could calm her down #kinda like the cheetahs and their support doggies... marie's anger as a werekraken is really just buried anxiety about being different #callie eases that #EDIT: i rambled so much i forgot to tag this lolll #splatoon #splatoon callie #splatoon marie #werekraken au

[bunnihearted]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :(( #it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more. #so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

[naamahdarling]

.

#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months #i don't even remember the names of them all at this point #this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay #thst will also prescribe my adhd meds #and my anxiety meds #and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would #only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it #so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave #and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something #but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works #but that they morally object to i guess #and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like #what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that #I'll give her a nasty scrap about it #im not interested in those meds at all #and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best #and removing that would just make me worse #but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that #and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow #which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you #if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers #they just gotta pathologize! #so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever #i shouldn't have to deal with this

[egberts]

learning too much about the world has made me so aware of so many things and my depression is amplified to a ridiculous degree. they're right when they say ignorance is bliss. at this point i'm worried i'm far too aware of the world and myself to ever live truly free again. it feels like legitimate shackles on my brain. i can't do anything without being aware of every aspect of it and i hyper-criticize everything that could be enjoyed, even if my immediate second thought is "but who cares i should enjoy my time here despite xyz" that thought is always based in "because we are all gonna die one day so stop worrying so much" which just triggers a further spiral into existentialism and now i'm stuck at the bottom of an unrelenting anxiety pit with no idea how to get back out

#im sure some part of this feeling comes from being autistic but yeah #this is where im at #its not funny haha relatable depression its like genuinely debilitating and idk what to do! #tw for depression anxiety existential #oh also covid definifely contributed to this

[astranauticus]

in light of the new episode this joke i made once is feeling a lot more relevant

#rwd #asto speaks #rolling with difficulty #fuck it yeah i'll tag this i feel like at least some people will find this funny #it's the moment when noir said 'if you want VR-LA to understand what you want you have to tell him *verbatim*' that just #got me?? for some reason?? #my irl insight is genuinely so bad i need people to tell me what their deal is or else i just have no clue #this joke has been simmering since like i got to season 3 this ep just had a lot of very raw heart to hearts so i was feeling it extra hard #also the whole VR-LA just needs a 'dani are you mad at me' sign but that might just be an anxiety thing #no the thing that always gets to me is that i never *registered* the autism of it all surrounding VR-LA until like #after i started engaging w the fan space and saw everyone talking about it #and i was like?? really?? gosh i never noticed #so yknow. that probably says something

[quotidian-oblivion]

🎶I am filled with so much anxietyyy🎶

#quotidian convos #have a public speaking thing tomorrow #but the crowd isnt like my usual crowd #these are... actual professionals #accomplished people and leaders and people who are some of the best in their fields and jobs #and even though i'm only holding a 3-5 min activity (with a partner) #still doesnt change that this is my biggest audience yet #in terms of number as well as who they are #and also that every single person in the room are adults except me and my group #well its good to be in a group #i have a friend and we meet each other every other public speaking event #and she's so cool yall you dont even know #she's like one of THE coolest people i know #and her outfits are SMASHING #so cant wait to see her again!! #but yeah still filled with anxiety and nerves and stuff #*takes deep breath* it will be fine tho. it will be fine! #because as sprite said #public speaking is *my* bitch #(thanks sprite ^^)