#like sending me screenshots of their argument like 'haha look at this idiot' is still upsetting because it's just a reminder that people

[thejournalheist-blog]

Disclosures.

So yea, screw it. I’m too tired of this crap. So I’m listening to this playlist that I’m kinda foreign with, since I don’t really listen to it always. But like the line of this song I’m listening to that goes, ”gonna fuck it out” literally puts the way I’m feeling. So here I go.

Yeah, you’re my friend. She’s my friend. Ya both like each other and yep, I’m basically one of your couple band-aids that goes to the rescue whenever something’s wrong. Actually, as a matter of fact, I might be one of those overly used ones, mainly because I have the guts to spill this thing to the other. I’M BASICALLY A NO FILTER MESSENGER OH MY DARN.

but here’s the thing: I like you. Holy fuck right?

I told you that I liked you but whenever I fessed up and told you that I cover it up telling oh but I don’t like you anymore now, I like someone else now. BECAUSE DUH, I DIDN’T WANT TO GET AWKWARD. Annnddd, you drew the line a zillion times, yup. Not intentionally just slapped me with these omygosh-i-really-like-her-but-im-not-gonna-make-a-move moments hmmm I should prolly do a raincheck if you two are gonna argue again because you guys always do. It’s cute you know? It really is. So even when it hurts I have to give advices and what-nots to you both hmm.  But let’s get to the point. I like you and holy fuck it’s been say, 10 months and I FUCKING HAVEN’T BEEN OVER YOU YET.

Help me just help me.

Because I’m just tired okay?

-Having to feel whirls inside of me whenever we have remarkably memorable moments which I just restrain myself of enjoying too much I’d know it’ll hurt.

-Having to feel blue whenever you pesk me too much it just hurts

-Having to feel confused and frustrated OVER YOUR MIXED SIGNALS.

I MEAN ONE TIME YOU’RE ALL OVER THE PLACE, MY SPACE AND I WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW YOU’RE AS DISTANT AS THE NEXT GALAXY--

and we even just breathe in the same classes together! TOGETHER! BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME CLASSES, COURSE EVEN! ugh.

-I’m tired of restraining. Fuck it. It’s either I show it(WHICH AS HECK I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING DO) or get rid of it.

-I’m tired of our pointless shenanigans when we try to talk every time something off happens between us--our friendship I mean, IT  JUST RANDOMLY TRANSFORMS INTO A DEBATE! LIKE HEY, OKAY I GET YOUR FUCKING POINTS BUT THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! and then the whole talk just goes to a larger hole in our prob and we’ll be like idiots just randomly fixing it anyway.

Remember that time on my 16th birthday? I was ignoring you before because, I was trying to get over you before I even reach 16. Yeah, some crazy unmature way. I mean I knew my feelings for you wouldn’t last that long anyway but I guess I was just too fucking sick of my feelings, these unhealthy feelings for you. So there. And when I decided to talk to you, you gave me the cold shoulder and I remember back then we stood there, because we’re in a Christian school and before and after classes we’d pray so there. While I was next to you, I asked if you were mad and you just raised your brow nonchalantly signifying yes, with a rather straight lined mouth, and I could feel the annoyance and the mood killing vibe coming off from you. I asked why and I got cut off with the opening prayer in Computer class. That moment ran with questions but one answer seemed ringing in my head already. Once the prayer ended, I asked why again and you nothing came out and I could tell that hmm this was a bad time so I let it pass until we got into the computer classroom. I was working fast on my seatwork and stuff and still the answer was still hanging in the air. So once the bell rang, we prayed and I caught up to you and I was like hey, why are you mad? AND THE FUCK YOU CONTINUED TO WALK DOWN THE DAMN HALLWAY ONLY THIS TIME IT WAS DAMN FASTER AND I GOTTA FUCKING ADMIT TO YOU IT WAS HARD CATCHING UP TO YOU LIKE HELLO I HAVE SHORT FUCKING LEGS AND YOU’RE THIS LEAN LONG LEGGED AND FOOTED GUY AND WHILE IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS RUNNING IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE JUST A GUY BRISKLY WALKING DOWN A FINE ALLEY AND YEAH, I KINDA LIKED THE PART WHERE I SAW YOUR FACE PISSED. Hehe, it was a little bit of pleasure that I finally cracked that nut and pissed you off. But while I was chasing you, I asked why over and over again, just to taunt. I thought you were even gonna blow up in the middle of the hallway or no, just ignore me and rub the annoyance on me but nah neither happened. We were one the first ones to get back to the homeroom(some guys were walking fast to huh, never noticed that before) and I was asking why again you intently stared blankly into me and said these unsurprising set of words I have thought of, but never really chose you’d reason out with,”Because you’re ignoring me without any reason”.

And I gotta admit at that moment I tried my hard not to snicker or laugh at your face or smile at this kind of reason but the annoyance level was so high I could tell and I didn’t wanna be rude.

Sooo, I made this long message(lol, it was in a memo and it wasn’t even long you def beat me at that game) and did a fucking farewell message like if this is how it’s gonna be then goodbye because it’s been days! A week even and I was only ignoring you for 2 or 3 days the fuck? yea so there. And then, I sent this to a REALLY close friend of mine who’s close with you too and there and lo and behold on my birthday I received these pics of screenshots from my really close friend and hah, I knew it was your reply the moment I saw the fucking first word and literally just rolled my eyes I did not want this bad vibe on my birthday so yeah this and that stuff and then it was night time and darn the whole thing just circled in my head so I read it and wow, never have I ever felt so misjudged and disappointed hmm so I messaged you telling I recieved your message and asked what exactly is it that you wanted AND HAHA your reply was, “It feels bad being ignored huh?” with that close eyes while smiling emoji and I’m just like, okay uh where’d that come from? because I wasn’t really feeling bad in being ignored I felt confused with your so-called points in our argument--I mean, clarifying messages so yea I was like,”Nah i’m actually fine, just frustrated with your words because you obviously didn’t put my message into your understanding that well” with the -_- emoji and told you I was tired with this shit because I’ve been trying for a few times this week and I’m just done all it mattered to me was what your whole main point was and you replied,”I really hate long messages you know that--” AND I DIDN’T KNOW. BOY WAS I AN ASSHOLE LOL “--specially if it needs to be subjective and substantial anyway my point is, DON’T YOU GO IGNORING PEOPLE RANDOMLY SPECIALLY IF IT’S JUST YOUR MOOD” and I,trying to hold my annoyance typed hard and fast,”I TOLD YOU BEFORE IT’S NOT A MOOD! I don’t know about you but you really didn’t read my initial points fuck” and I was annoyed as fuck now, and I was NOT gonna back out of this shit. and you pushed your points and I told you that you didn’t read the other parts in my note and I’m sending and typing and my internet connection suddenly slows the fuck down and i’m like I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT I CAN’T FUCKING LOSE and you suddenly popped,”Okay I’m done arguing” and then another,”Sorry?” AND BOY WAS I NEVER FIRED UP HECK YOU DON’T DO THAT!!!  and I just continued and you asked sorry again and I told you a really long message about me not wanting to talk to you BECAUSE IT ALWAYS ENDS UP IN A DEBATE and you were all, ”ya” ”so I give up” “be honored” and I reply, “THE HELL YA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO POINT OUT THIS TIME?” “nothing” “I back down” “You’re right :)” “I’m too insensitive”

and I tried to argue with you but you calmed the fuck down and something happened with your project and I was taunting you because I was on fire with rage and wanted to argue with you more and I guess you felt tired lol so you told me I could beat the shit out of you if it makes me happy so I was about to agree but I was too annoyed and I told you that you’re really a frustrating asshole and you greeted me happy birthday. WOW. THAT WAS IT. Sooo I told you I was gonna ignore you the whole day in class and stuff. 

So that day in class I completely ignored you and meh, once the clocks ticked 5 I messed your hair hair up and just continued saying “Hi, welcome back” and you’re just like that older brother who just let her little sister play with his hair, and we were like that. 

And now, you’re ignoring me again with no apparent reason. I miss you again asshole.

---

But hey, you know what? I like you. I really do. But meh, I’m contented. Still hurts, but you’re a big brother material. lol you will be once I’m not entranced by you and you told me we were family kind of friends, friends for a lifetime. anyway, I hope you’ll stop ignoring me soon I don’t even know what I did this time! ugh

#story #friend #crush #like #highschool #drama #words #memories