#like i love krusty but the whole point is he kinda sucks like he’s not super great at times but it’s sometimes glossed over | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

colonel-insomniac · 4 years

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Read more of my spongebob work here.

10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck

Just a quick note, Red Light is a song by The Regrettes and I absolutely love their music style it just feels very 80’s girl pop. So that’s where the song is from, and Lacy Loo, another song by them, is referenced as well. Also a certain voice actors Instagram was the inspiration behind Sponge In The High Seas . It was Tom Kenny, his Instagram handle is TomKennyandthehiseas. I just couldn’t resist.

“You can’t love me, you’re not allowed to…”

Patrick Starr was absolutely smitten with the leader of the popular 80’s style band, Sponge In The High Seas. The band’s leader was a short young boy, 19 years old. He had slightly curly auburn hair that bounced slightly when the music called for it. This boy’s whole aesthetic was mainly pinks, but branched to pastels too.

“‘Cause if you did, I’d probably run from you…”

Tonight, his outfit was a large pink sweater tucked into a pair of shorts with what Patrick can only assume are either cherries or strawberries. Maybe flowers? Anyways, he also had these circular pink sunglasses perched on his nose, although the indoor location and the time of day didn’t really call for them.

Patrick sat in his usual spot, towards the back so as to not be noticed or bothered. Next to him, Sandy was perched on her chair, fidgeting and nervously tapping her fingers against one another. It reminded Patrick of a squirrel, but he wouldn’t dare say that to Sandy.

There are other things he’d never tell Sandy. Like, for example, that he used to know the lead singer of Sponge In The High Seas. Bobby is his name—well, Robert, technically, but he always went by Bobby. He didn’t like his full name for some reason so he would always opt to go by the shortened version.

“You can’t hate me, though you probably do…”

They didn’t have a falling out or anything. Pat had had to leave the beach town he grew up in for a while. It’d been after a fight with his parents, he left and only grabbed his phone, charger, wallet, and car keys. He left and didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t message anyone because he was so desperate to try and keep himself from breaking down. But when he got that first phone call from Bobby, and heard the teary voicemail left when Pat didn’t pick up, he’d had to pull over onto the side of the road. Too many tears, he couldn’t see.

He came to the town roughly a month ago, and found that with no reason to stay, his parents had left. It was kinda disheartening, Patrick thought, to find that his parents hadn’t cared enough to try and find him. And when hed came to his favorite diner and found Bobby on the stage, he had made sure to sit where Bobby wouldn’t be able to see him. He wasn’t ready to face his best buddy yet.

“Cause then I might just die and have to blame you…”

Other than Bobby, the band consisted of one Edward Telford. That part was a shock to Pat, Eddie couldn’t stand Bobby when Pat had skipped town. It was one of his favorite things to think about when he was alone at night.

Pat had managed to come up with all sorts of crazy theories, but none that were probably real. Stranger than Eddie willingly being in a band with Bobby, he was also playing guitar. Pat didn’t know that Eddie could play guitar. Pearl was on drums, which was entertaining to watch, because he knew there had to be some sort of conversation with Eugene Krabbes, Bobby’s manager at the Krusty Krabbe. Or was, Pat didn’t know if Bobby was still working there. Obviously.

“I think it’s about time you go up to him.” Sandy whispered to Patrick, still watching. He knew she was probably right, because Sandy is super smart, but the thought made his stomach clench.

Sandy and Pat had met when Patrick had first come back to town. He was sitting in a grassy park, and she approached him, big smile and country twang. When she’d mentioned Bobby, Patrick had immediately trusted her enough to tell her everything. If Bobby truly let her be close to him, then she’s got to be a good person.

Because although Bobby’s always been super kind to everyone, only a few people got allowed into his close circle.

“I can’t breathe, well maybe that’s okay…”

When Patrick shrugged his shoulders, Sandy let out a quiet sigh: “Now Patrick Starr, you listen to me. Bobby misses you, yer all he talks about.” Patrick shrugs agains and crosses his arms. He doesn’t wanna talk about this right now.

“Do you know why he formed this band?” Pat shakes his head and clamps his hands over his ears. He can’t know. He has a feeling if he knows, he’s gonna spiral out of control.

Sandy pushes gently on his arms, sympathy filling her eyes. “He’s doing other to find you. He told me all about it. Thinks somehow you’ll show up at one of his concerts and approach him.” When he looks at her, she hurriedly adds “don’t give me that look, you oughta know I ain’t told him yet. But that doesn’t mean I feel good about lyin’ to the poor boy. Half these songs are about you, Patrick. I know you ain’t a dimwit, you must’ve figured that out by this point.”

“Maybe I’ll just save it for another rainy day…”

He thinks of the song Lacy Loo, thinks how he thought maybe that song was about him. He’d dismissed it at the time, figuring he’d read too deep. But now, there’s a possibility that it’d all been true.

“I can’t…I’m not ready yet.” Is his response, and he can see Sandy roll her eyes in the dim light. He’s watching her intently, looking for any sign of deception.

“I reckon you’re ready Pat.” She pats his arm lightly. “‘Sides, I told Bobby I’d meet him after he finished tonight.” Pat could feel the blood drain out of his face as he spluttered, managing to hiss out an incredulous ‘what?!’

“I can’t sleep, well maybe that’s alright…”

Sandy nods, and they turn back to face the stage when Bobby talks into the microphone. “Alright folks,” Pat notes the pleasant smile on Bobby’s face. “This is the last song of the night.” Bobby proceeds to laugh at the protests from the audience. The laughter gets a smile out of Patrick, a tiny one.

But now all Pat can think about is the reunion in just a few minutes. He’s so nervous, he can hardly hear the number over his thinking.

Sandy must be able to tell that Patrick is debating running out of the diner because she rests her hand on his wrist and gives him a stern look that glues him in his place. He doesn’t want this, but he’s also too scared of Sandy to shake her off and leave. She knows where he lives, too, so he stays put. Maybe he can slip out before without her noticing.

“I can save my sleeping for another empty night…”

The song ends, and Patrick stands when everyone else does, giving the band a standing ovation. Bobby bows and gestures at Eddie and Pearl, who also bow. Pearl also gives a peace sign at the hoots regarding her as the background vocalist. Pat has to admit she deserves it, her voice is amazing, angelic, Pat thinks.

“Before you all go for the night, please, if you know Patrick Starr and have any information of his whereabouts or safety, please don’t hesitate to let me know.” Patrick’s cheeks heat up in shame, the pleading look in Bobby’s eyes like a stab in the heart.

Sandy grabs Patrick’s arm and steers him towards the stage. Bobby’s turned around and pointing at something as he chats with a crew member. Eddie and Pearl are also not facing him, which is good for the moment. Patrick watches as Bobby runs a hand through his messy hair, and smiles when he catches sight of pink nail polish. Pearl must’ve put it on him.

“Kiss me at the red light one more time…”

Sandy politely waits for Bobby and the care guy to finish talking before she reaches up and taps Bobby on the back.

This happens in slow mo for Patrick, and each second that passes feels like an hour, and he grows increasingly panicked. Adrenaline kicks in as a result, and he has to fight the urge to turn on his heel and leave.

Bobby turns and gives Sandy a beaming smile, hopping off the stage to give her a hug. He hasn’t et noticed Bobby, and that’s the thing everyone loves about him. When Bobby’s talking to you, he gives you his full attention and it makes you feel like you’re the only thing that matters in life.

But it makes Pat shift from foot to foot. He freezes when Sandy gestures in his direction. “I brought someone for you.” Bobby turns, brows scrunched in confusion, but they fly up when he makes eye contact with Pat. His mouth falls open into an ‘O’ shape.

“Every time I think of you feels like a crime…”

Patrick smiles sheepishly, offering a half a wave. Bobby’s hand covers his mouth and his eyes fill with tears. Patrick falters, and sucks in a breath. Go figure he’d mess this up somehow. He gives a pointed look at Sandy, who shakes her head and mouths the word “wait.”

“Bobby—“ is all he whispers before the boy in pink launches himself at Patrick, openly sobbing into Patrick’s hoodie.

“I never thought you’d come back.” Bobby sniffs after a minute, pulling away and apologizing at the tear stains on Patrick.

Pat waves the apology away, claiming it’s not a big deal. And then Bobby’s face gets serious and he grabs Pat’s hand, dragging him to an empty table. “Where were you and why wouldn’t you answer my calls and texts?” He demands and Pat knows that he owes Bobby so much more than an apology, so much more than an explanation.

He explains everything to Bobby, that night in detail. The raised voices, his parents telling him he’d never get anywhere in life because he couldn’t make above a C in anything other than his photography and music classes. Him shooting back claiming he wanted to study in music and photography. Trying to get them to understand that school just didn’t make sense to him. The terms they slung at him that night, hurling each one like a punch to his body.

He explained the split second decision to run away, pulling over when he heard Bobby’s voicemail. How he’d never stopped feeling bad about leaving Bobby. How Bobby hadn’t left his mind once in his absence.

“I could be green, red, orange, purple or blue…”

When he finishes, Bobby’s crying again, eyes swimming with muted anger, sorrow, and hurt. Pat’s heart pangs, because Bobby should never cry. After a moment of silence, Pat whispers “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left and not told you anything.”

Bobby shakes his head, and pulls Patrick into a hug, gripping the fabric of his hoodie like Patrick will disappear if he doesn’t. “I get why you didn’t. You needed to have a bit by yourself.”

Pat rests his chin on Bobby's head, holding his freckled friend close. “Still. I shoulda said something. You woulda known how to keep me from running.”

“Next time come to me. I don’t wanna lose you again Pat.” Pat nods, and he smiles as Bobby draws images into the back of Patrick’s hoodie with his finger. His skin lights up despite the clothing.

“But you’re also amazing on stage. I promise that I won’t run without going to you and even then I’ll try not to run as long as you’re not beside me. Figuratively and literally.”

Bobby pulls away, smiling, and cups Patrick’s chin with his hands, and kisses him once. Patrick’s startled, and Bobby pulls away, muttering a “sorry.”

Patrick’s the one who grins first. “Don’t worry about it. I like you, so….” he trails off, unsure of what to say next.

Bobby laughs. “I like you too, you big dork. I wouldn’t get upset over just anyone leaving me like that.” He rolls his eyes playfully, but the comment stings Patrick a little, and Bobby’s quick to realize it. He cringes, opening his mouth to apologize but pat kisses him. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

Bobby grins, and intertwines their fingers as he pulls pat behind him so he can finish cleaning up for the night, trying to make sure Pat won’t disappear. For once, Pat can’t be bothered to even try and complain about cleaning. He just wants to be with Bobby.

“Only if it means that I’m keeping you.”

#spongebob #patrick star #mr krabs #patrick #squidward #sandy #volcano #patbob #patbob spongerick #spongerick #bikini bottom #my work #my writing #spongebob musical live on nick #spongebob the musical live on stage

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magnumbill · 7 years

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Maggy’s 2008 SpongeBob Reviews - A Chronicle of Teenage Anger and Cringe

Alright, time for me to open the archives and show you guys some dumbassery from my younger days. As many people know, I’m a contributor on the Annotation Station and one of the things we like to talk about and make fun of are cartoon reviewers who get extremely upset and personally offended by every little thing they review. They also like to take on shows like Spongebob and Family Guy and chronicle their declines in a very whiny and fanboyish manner. The hilarious thing is: I used to be one of these people.

Between February and July of 2008, I wrote a long series of then-modern SpongeBob reviews for a Facebook group I created to talk about how awesome old SB was and how shit it was at that point. The group was made in December 2007 after some high school friends and I talked about the decline of the show at our lunch table. I wrote these reviews in a series of message board posts back when Facebook actually had message boards. People seemed to really enjoy them, so I kept writing them. I also spent a lot of time on the SpongeBob TV.com forums and I even posted at least one of the reviews to the site. However, my obsession eventually got to the point where my dad intervened and told me I shouldn’t be obsessing over a show meant for 8-year-olds (and considering I’m now an annotator, I haven’t exactly learned that lesson), thus stopping the reviews. After walking away from SB reviews, I kinda came to the conclusion that it wasn’t gonna get better and that I should just walk away. Years later, I did watch MoBros and Mr. Enter respectively just to see how deep the rabbit hole went, but I eventually grew out of those as well. Today, I don’t really give a shit. I still think the show began to suck after a while, but I rarely think about it anymore and I’m not interested in rewatching them to see if I was wrong. All I really need is my childhood nostalgia for the first three seasons and Spingebill poops. I’ve heard the new episodes are actually pretty good now, so that’s a plus.

So just to for you to laugh at my 16-year-old self’s stupidity and to get a glimpse of people bitching about SpongeBob’s decline before it became a popular subject on YouTube, here are the reviews I wrote for that Facebook group all those years ago.

I should point out that many of the opinions I express in these reviews I no longer stand by. I was a dumb teenager attending an all-boys Catholic high school mostly populated by jocks, so there’s a lot of me praising low-brow humor, saying some really ignorant shit about homosexuals, and bashing science for some reason. I’ve changed a lot in the 9 years since these were first written and the internet was a different kind of place in 2008 (pretty much every mainstream internet reviewer was throwing gay jokes left and right), so please keep that in mind. I also wasn’t allowed to say certain curse words on Facebook thanks to my folks, so expect some pseudo-swears and asterisks.

So without further ado, here are the reviews.

Ok, I'm going to try to review all of the episodes from season 4 to season 5. Ok, here i go.

Fear of a Krabby Patty- This episode is ok. The plotline was recycled from The Graveyard Shift, except it lasts 43 days instead of one night. Plankton's plan seemed like a gamble and overcomplicated, while other episodes follow the process of him just grabbing a patty and running off. Oh, and you never question where someone got a piano. They just found one, end of story.

Shell of a Man- Again, ok, but not great. It wouldn't kill them to use the word "masculine" instead of "manly". Spongebob's Krabs impression about Pearl needing an operation was awesome, though.

Lost Matress- This episode seemed repetitive. Does it seriously take someone that long to kick Krabs out of the hospital for lack of insurance. Also, Squid's third plan was utter crap, he just wanted to see SB and Patrick get killed. Normally, I'd see this as totally appropriate for his character, except he's at the risk of going to jail. Also, they had no right to censor the word "murder." It was already said in Nasty Patty. Even today, Nick doesn't censor that.

Krabs vs. Plankton- First of all, Spongebob isn't licensed to be a lawyer. Second, Plankton didn;t have a lawyer. Third, Plankton's been trying to steal that damn formula for 28 years and SB JUST FIGURES OUT NEAR THE END that he needs to use that fact against him.

Skill Crane- Again, usual S4 errors like lack of humor, repetitiveness, etc. It was ok, but the biggest problem is the unnecessary censorship. Cartoon characters over the years are seen playing slot machines, so if they used the skill crane as a gambling censorship, then that's bupkiss. One could argue that the crane takes more strategy than a slot machine, so my point may be null and void, you decide. Also, in Squilliam Returns, Squilliam has a balloon/casino.

Good Neighbors- Oh my god, where do I begin? How about how TOTALLY GENERIC THE PLOT LINE IS!? All that happens is that Squidward is slowly driven to insanity, and no matter what he does, those two dumbasses won't get off his case. Usually, SB and Patrick annoying Squidward leads to the main story, but here it IS the main story! The Good Neighbors Club thing is stolen from Club Spongebob, as well as reuse of jokes from past episodes, mainly using a joke from Squidward, the Unfriendly Ghost as a running gag. (No, the other thing) Also, Squidward did not deserve to be punished at all, and even if he did, he wouldn't get community service for the rest of his life, he'd get it until the town was repaired. What Squid should've done was do what he did in Opposite Day and try to run over and kill those two mothertruckers. Also, a kid told me this was his FAVORITE EPISODE! See what this episode is doing to people!?

[For context, I took a camp counseling job at my old elementary school a year prior and heard the opinion from one of the kids. Looking back, I think he and several others were trolling me.]

Selling Out- This episode was extremely bland and it's only purpose is to show kids what really is in fast food. Also, we already know Krabs loves money, so you don't need to sing a song about it.

Funny Pants- This episode is basically Fools in April without the holiday theme. Seriously, Spongebob must be pretty damn stupid to laugh at a mild sarcastic joke for 2 days straight. Also, just because ONE episode has Sandy going on a scientific expedition to the moon, the creators decide to dump her original character and make her a 24/7 scientist. This trend will carry on for the remainder of the series, I kid you not.

MM&BB VI- Worst MMBB episode ever. Any idiot can tell Patrick did not have the lens cap on the whole time. Also, how did they get away with stuffing a boom mike in MM's mouth? Ren and Stimpy tried that same joke and got in trouble for it! Oh well, at least they added one adult joke in there.

Enemy-In-Law - Let us take a minute to explain how regular attraction works. A man is supposed to fall in love with a female of his age group. Plankton's probably about 30, and Mama Krabs is about 60-70. Who does he think he is, Anna Nicole Smith? Also, Plankton's robot dating Mama Krabs, that's just not normal.

Patrick Smartpants- It's ok, but again, it lacks humor. Also, Spongebob clearly pointed out the wrong area where Patrick's head was. It was close to the cliff, but Spongebob says it's about 30 feet away from the cliff, and Patrick says it's 50 meters farther away from that and it ends up being there! Brain coral is real, but it's shaped like a brain, not a standard coral. Learned that from Hoch's class.

SquidBob TentaclePants- This plot has been done before, and the only thing that makes this different from any generic teleportation plot (which I'm basing of that episode of Dexter's Lab) is the clarinet recital thing.

Have You Seen This Snail?- This episode actually had it's good moments. It's one of those few moments in season 4 where Patrick is funny. However, those scenes with Gary and Grandma didn't add to the episode are were just there to kill the required 22 minutes needed to make the special. "Earlier today at the craft store, I SAW...THESE HUGE BAGS OF BALSA WOOD! THEY WERE AWESOME!"

Dunces and Dragons- A lot of people hate this episode, but I think it's tolerable. It could've been better, like have the dragon be defeated in a different way. This episode does show how the Krabby Patty was made, and it fits the story told in Enemy-In-Law where Krabs said it was old family recipe. Again, same problem, lack of humor, but at least it isn't as repetitive.

Krusty Towers- This episode was actually pretty good. It was funny, it had a certain charm to it, and in some ways, it felt like a real Spongebob episode. I have no real complaints about this episode. If you play it in reverse, I hear Squidward yells "EAT SHIT!" They need to put that in a real episode with shit being censored by a sound effect. Instant classic.

Mrs. Puff, You're Fired- It was ok, the humor has improved a little bit. However, it follows the same formula as all of the other episodes (except Krusty Towers) where the climax doesn't really happen until near the end.

Ghost Host- If you remember in Shanghied, Patrick destroyed the Dutchman's ship many times, and it instantally got repaired, but here, he has to call roadside assistance. I thought the Power Within video was pretty cool, because it shows that if Spongebob was an animated series on land, it could be visually be as good as anime. Also, Squid has seen the Dutchman, like, 5 times already, so he has no right to be pulling this "don't believe in ghosts" crap. chimps ahoy- I think the reason they changed Sandy's character was to come up with more plotlines to add to the number of genres an episode can have. This episode was ok, though it's basically Texass with monkeys. It just seems like a normal S4 episode with attempts at humor and an ok storyline. Episode Ripoffs: Texas- the whole episode basically. Hell, they even have sandy singing. Suds- Patrick impersonating a doctor/professor was taken from when patrick impersonated a doctor. Whale of a Birthday- This episode was clearly made for little girls who think they're the shit. it does have good moments, like squidward trying to sing that song but failing (it's really funny in fast-motion). other than that, it's average. Episode RO's- Squeaky Boots- Krabs ruining Pearl's parties with his cheapness. It actually ties well with this episode where Krabs got her $2 boots...THAT SQUEAKED! The Chaperone- A bunch of fish from that episode come back in this episode. By the way, Billy Fishkin is not the blue fish with black hair, he's the fish with the brown afro. But like anyone's gonna notice/care. Karate Island- Not deserving of being the #1 episode or even getting its own DVD. This episode is all cheap action, but no humor whatsoever. The three bosses Sandy faces aren't even using real karate moves. Also, this episode shows footage of 2 trains colliding at one point. If you remember in the episode "Procrastination", there was a scene where a live-action drag car wiped out, but the scene got cut out. I think a train collision is more severe than a drag car crash. C'mon, Nick, make up your mind! Do you want live-action vehicle destruction or not? All That Glitters- This episode was stupid because the spatula was being treated as if it were a human being. Also, the frickin thing even comes to life near the end! Yes, I am aware that in Born Again Krabs, the bad patty came to life, but that was meant to be a joke, this episode they just give the spatula a life for no reason. I did like the scene where Spongebob killed the pirate, that was epic. Wishing You Well- This episode is actually pretty good. It's got some decent humor, not as strong as the old ones, but still enough to keep you interested. I actually liked the 2 songs Spongebob sung, the lyrics are OK, but the rhythm and instrumentals were top-notch. New Leaf- This episode is simply a showcase on how far Plankton is willing to go to get the formula. The episode is void of humor though, and it just seems to run on and on and on. There is one memorable quote though, and that is, of couse, "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!" -Plankton. Episode RO's- F.U.N- It's basically that episode except with Krabs being the victim. Once Bitten- It's clear that they put a little more work into this episode. I like the Mad Snail Disease thing, because it rips off a fictional disease in our real world. However, it seems too repetitive. They say something about MSD, scream bloody murder, and run. Patrick is also WAY too smart in this episode. He actually sounds professional when he explains MSD, which is completely out of his character. I mean, he explained the entire history of Wumbo one time, but he doesn't sound nearly as proffessional as he does here. Everyone knows that the doctor fish isn't orange. Gary actually suffered from a disease called "GrouchySnailitus." What...the...f*ck? Episode RO's- I Was a Teenage Gary - Gary suffers from some ailment. Wormy- Mass hysteria. Squidtastic Voyage- Great, now they're ripping off Jimmy Neutron. One thing, Squidward swallowed the clarinet's mouthpiece, not the reed. I really don't have much to say about this one. RO's- Sandy's Rocket- whole episode. Bummer Vacation- This episode really isn't half bad. Patrick seems a little TOO dumb at times, but Patrick doesn't play a huge part in this episode. Also, Spongebob not knowing what a vacation is rather sad. Spongebob successfully backed a truck up in this episode. Spongebob can't even back a regular boat up, let alone a truck. Overall, not too bad. Definitely not a channel changer. Best Day Ever- This episode looks like it stole a plot from a children's picture book and added Spongebob themes. It only lasts 15 minutes and it sucks. Basically, it's Spongebob running around doing good deeds at the cost of the activities he wants to do. I actually liked the Best Day Ever song at first, but it gets old after the 11th time. Speaking of which, they only use the first verse and the chorus of the song. They add a custom verse near the end, but it's not from the official song. The only part that seemed Spongebob-esque was when Spongebob was trying to break into Squid's recital. That was good while it lasted. But here's what else is wrong with episode: -Nematodes are valley girls. What happened to the awesome nematodes that bounced around saying the same word(s) ad infinitum? -Sponge being on Squid's VIP list. I doubt Squid would want Sponge 3 feet from his recital, no matter if Sponge saved Squid's ass or not. -Squid succeeding at his recital. That's never supposed to happen. Don't watch the Best Day Ever, you'll hate it. Episode RO's- Jellyfishing- the original Best Day Ever episode. SquidBob TentaclePants- clarinet recital Squidtastic Voyage- Squid suffers from an incident involving a clarinet reed, except this time, it really is a reed, not a mouthpiece. Wigstruck- I thought it was ok. It got way too repetitive, though. Sponge looks like a dork, I get it. Episode RO's- One Krab's Trash- Sponge finds a piece of headwear and becomes attached to it. That's No Lady- This episode is ok, but it really doesn't make sense. Patrick, in his Patricia disguise, behaves and speaks like he would normally. How everyone was able to think that he was girl is beyond me. What makes even less sense is that not only do they buy this pitiful excuse for a disguise, but they aroused by it. I don't think this is the kind of fat bottom girls Queen was singing about. But then again, the singer WAS gay. The Thing- Not sure about this one. The beginning kinda sucked, but it got better overtime. The music that was playing when Sponge and Pat tried to break Smelly out was AWESOME. This episode is average at best. Hocus Pocus- First of all, I think they can come with a better name than Hocus Pocus. I think episode could have been better. The Wizard of Oz ripoff is so obvious, it's not even funny, and that's what Spongebob is supposed to be. Episode RO's- Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost- Spongebob thinks he killed Squidward...or melted him. I guess melting can be considered death to an ice cream cone. The Thing- Squid gets turned into something or is thought to have been turned into something. What's ironic about this is that these two episodes air with each other.

[After these reviews, someone commented “You’re my hero.”]

I'm back to review more episodes. Also, I'd like to thank [NAME WITHHELD] for his statement, because it's people like him that make me come back and support this cause.

Driven to Tears- I personally thought this episode was too repetitive. It's basically 8 minutes of Patrick bragging about his accomplishment and then the other 3 minutes shows them getting in a wreck, and Sponge having to do the right thing. Not terrible, but not that good. Episode RO's- Help Wanted- Patrick pumps Sponge up for his test the same way he pumped him up in the first episode. The Smoking Peanut- Sponge turning himself in to save Patrick's ass. Rule of Dumb- Typical episode where a character gains authoritah and then abuses it. Nothing too special. That's all I can really say, except that there's no way Patrick and Gary can be biological cousins. The Pink Purloiner- To tell you the truth, I've only seen the last part of this episode. I just gotta say this, why do the jellyfish have rooster combs? Couldn't they just be multicolored or something? Some people may be confused why Ol Reliable looks totally different in this episode. This problem is explained in the godawful Best Day Ever episode. In that episode, Sponge had a net that looked just like "Ol Reliable 2.0", but he also had another net that looked like a standard net, presumably the original Ol Reliable. I think Sponge just got rid of the original one and replaced it with Ol 2.0. I also heard that Patrick grows a third arm in this episode. Last time I checked, starfish can only grow arms to replace any arms that have been cut off, not grow as many as they want at will. If they did, starfish would have, like, 100 arms or something. Episode RO's- Nature Pants- Two words: Ol Reliable The Gift of Gum- This episode was OK, I guess. I just wish they didn't put old, rotten pizza slices on Gummy. That's just taking it too far. I think the Best Friends Day was generic, but appropriate. After all, every day is a holiday for Spongebob, even if he has to make one up. LEIF ERICSON DAY! Now, on to the 5th season: Rise and Shine- Never seen it, moving on. Waiting- This short was bupkiss. Sponge was malevolent to all of his friends just because he wanted a g*ddamn toy to show up. Then Patrick does something to the toy, Sponge thinks he broke it, their friendship's in jeopardy, and it's up to Squid to tell them that the toy was supposed to do what it did, and that Pat didn't break it. CRAP. Episode RO's- Big Pink Loser- I bet the "breaking of the toy" was "inspired" by that scene in Pig Pink Loser when Patrick opened the jar and he thought he broke it. The only difference was that BPL's scene was funny. Sing a Song of Patrick- I'll be honest, this episode is actually pretty good. Patrick's song was retardedly amusing. My only complaint is that you can't stick a turntable on top of a radio antenna and broadcast the song on terrestrial radio. It doesn't work like that. Born to be Wild- Yes, they seriously called it Born to be Wild. Well, the Wild/Mild Ones thing was a good plot twist, and it does show that clothes don't make the man, not to mention SOME good jokes (like Krabs saying that they could beat Sponge and Pat in the parking lot, not as funny as other jokes, but OK). Also, Squid reveals that he wants to be a biker. While out of his character, it does show that Squid has balls after all. But still, it's average. Best Frenemies- The first part of the episode seemed kinda pointless, because the Kelp Shake vendors don't seem to know/care who Krabs and Plankton are, so they really could've just bought one. I think the theft plots were mostly Plankton's ideas. Krabs actually suffers spending a dollar in this episode. A little TOO cheap, are we? Plankton's analyzer is completely inferior to the one he had in the original Plankton episode. A little TOO scientific, are we? Friend or Foe- The episode really isn't any different from the other 100 villian-origin cartoons. I do have to give them some credit on this, they were able to answer many questions about Krabs and Plankton, like how Krabs discovered to joys of cash and got his first dollar (which we've seen in Wet Painters), and how hard Plankton really had it. I also liked when Stinky first seems to be this poor-but-kind store owner, but then he turns out be a rich bitch. However, this episode makes it seem like the creation of the Krabby Patty was done by Plankton and Krabs plagarized the idea. Also, this episode contains one of the cheeziest lines in SB history: "This is the greatest sensation my still-developing taste buds have ever experienced!" or something like that. Episode RO's- F.U.N- At the end of the episode, Plankton lulls Krabs into a false sense of security and grabs the formula, just like he did to Spongebob in F.U.N. Spy Buddies- Well, it's an ok episode. The battle between Krabs and Plankton was pretty exciting. This episode does have crazy moments, like Patrick getting his crotch blown off by a bomb, and Sponge sticking a quarter up Patrick's...OK that wasn't really funny. The whole disguise thing should have explained more, it seems cheap that Krabs said the change was from events far too elaborate to go into, but I guess it's because they were near 11 minutes at this point. The multiple-disguise thing was pretty entertaining. I say give this one a chance, you may like it, you may not. Episode RO's- The Algae's Always Greener- Krabs and Plankton switch lives. I Had an Accident- the occurence of two Patricks. Boat Smarts- Basically, it's the Krusty Krab Training Video with boats. Well, to be honest, it wasn't too bad. I liked it when they took footage of a crash dummy test and stuck Squid's head the dummy, no matter how cheap it looked. If you like random boat crashes, you'll get a kick out of it. Good Ol' Whatshisname- It's ok, but it's got problems. First of all, who gets 10 years for stealing a guy's wallet and running a stop sign? That's a little much for two minor offenses. Second, what kind of name is Mr. Whatsit Tooya? This name is stupid, and the writers knew that, because Squid says "What kind of ridiculous name is that?" Not even Moe from the Simpsons would find that name convincing. Finally, why is Patrick in jail, and why is he allowed to have a parchesi board in his cell? Episode RO's- SB Meets the Strangler- Patrick, to the dismay of a certain character, becomes that character's cell mate. However, this episode gives no explanation about why he's in there. The Krusty Sponge- Krabs's got a brand new marketing strategy...and it sucks. It seemed like most of the time, it was Krabs telling Squid about his cosmetic change. Also, how can patties become yellow from being rotten? They're usually darker colors, like green and brown. Did those patties have cheese on them or something? Episode RO's- Bossy Boots- cosmetic change to KK as well as a name change. Born Again Krabs- Krabs tries to sell people rotten patties. Squidwood- I haven't seen the whole thing before, but it doesn't seem to make sense why everyone loves Mini-Squid for doing everything Squid does. That's just cruel. Also, Mini-Squid talked BY HIMSELF at one point. However, I'm not gonna take points off for that because that's what happened to Bubble Buddy at the end of his episode. Episode RO's- The Paper- Mini-Squid is based off Lil' Squid from The Paper. New Digs- This episode was decent. It had some pretty OK moments. I have only two complaints. One, did anyone notice that on the day Sponge is late, it goes from morning to night in 2 minutes? If that was gonna happen, why did Sponge even bother going to work? Come to think of it, he'd go even it the day only lasted 2 minutes. Two, why are Sponge's parents moving into the KK? Is Sponge trying to find a retirement home for them? Who knows. Krabs a la Mode- This episode is pretty good if you like epic Plankton fights. There really isn't much humor in this episode. Just two complaints- One, Plankton got into the KK when it was closed. Plankton just threw the perfect time to steal the formula down the crapper. Two, how can freezing Plankton cause Krabs to automatically win? Krabs was still on the floor when he froze Plankton, so he would've gotten frozen too, and nobody would win. I guess the only thing you can do is use your imaginaaaaaaation. To Love a Patty- The writers haven't learned their lesson from Enemy-In-Law about normal attraction. Let's face it, we've all been waiting for Sponge to get a girl, whether it be a female sponge or a certain underwater squirrel, people have been waiting for this moment. Well, it's finally come...and Sponge falls for a krabby patty. Do you know ANYONE who's had a sexual relationship with a burger who wasn't on drugs? Another thing is that the song isn't as good as it should be. This would've been a good song if Sponge didn't switch between talking and singing every 15 seconds. Also, why do we need to see a close-up of the now-ugly patty every minute? We don't want to look at an unnessesarily-detailed nasty patty all the time. I'd like to not upchuck my food, thank you. Finally, Patrick says that he would get a patty girlfriend to show up Spongebob. This NEVER happens. What they did was drop a subplot. Now for the positives. Yes, there are positives. This episode perfectly describes a long-lasting marriage. It's strong at first, but then it gets ugly. (Note: This is not an insult to htiched people. I'm only going by a stereotype) And...that's it. Breath of Fresh Squidward- Yay, Sponge and Pat find a new excuse to stalk Squid! Why are they doing this? Sponge and Pat finding excuses to break into Squid's house and stalk him is precisely why Good Neighbors sucked extremely hard. Luckily, it only lasts a few minutes, as Squid gets shocked by the electric fense and becomes super-happy. How can an electric fense change someone's personality? But then again, this is new Spongebob, and nothing makes sense in new Spongebob. So, Squid is super-happy, Sponge isn't. It starts to take the same path as Driven to Tears, where Sponge gets slowly pissed at Squid's accomplishments, and then he finally loses it. He begins to yell at the innocent squid and kicks him out of Patrick's party for pogo-dancing with Patrick. GAY. Finally, Squid gets shocked again and returns to the pissed-off, sarcastic squid we know and love. But then Sponge and Pat get shocked and turn into Squid clones. Basically, this is Good Neighbors and Driven to Tears's lovechild. It's really not that good, but hey, you make the call.

Gotta go for now. BTW I plan to make a new, bigass review for Good Neighbors because it's just that bad. [This never happened.]

Roller Cowards- This episode is actually good. It has good humor, like Patrick punching his own reflection, Larry trying to get people to smell his adrenaline. The plotline is good because we can all relate to it, right? Give it a go. Not necessarily a ripoff, but the episode takes place in Glove World, the theme park from Rock Bottom. Bucket Sweet Bucket- They clearly tried to ripoff Wet Painters here. The episode had its moments, like Plankton trying to steal the formula with Sponge and Patrick either helping or hindering his progress. Sponge and Pat seem to not know what they're doing when they're trying to paint the chum bucket. They were painting themselves instead of the Bucket. Kinda weird, because they knew what they were doing in Wet Painters. Also, Sponge and Pat seriously act like they're meeting Plankton for the first time in this episode. They act like they're doing one of those charitable acts that you normally do for strangers. Plus, this is PLANKTON we're talking about. After all the turmoil he's caused, I wouldn't help him at all. The Original Fry Cook- This episode was kinda boring. Nothing really happened. All you get is some background info about the KK and some of the characters. Squid used to have hair, Krabs tried to enter the 90's with new rags and fly lingo, and Jim was the shit. There is one good moment, and that's the frozen krabby patty scene. That was true Spongebob. Night Light- The first problem is the person that needs the night light: Spongebob. This is more proof that the writers think that when his character calls for being a kid at heart, they take it literally and make him a flat-out kid. Seriously, have you ever met anyone shameless enough to still be sleeping with a night light? Sure, you get creeped out at first, but then you get used to it. Spongebob thinking that darkness is an entity that captures people only adds to the destruction of Spongebob's adult nature. The surprise appearance by MM&BB was good, but when Spongebob talks to MM, he speaks in a tone like he's talking to a little kid, increasing his tone as the sentence nears it's end and calling MM "silly". Sponge, MM may have Alzheimer's and generally stupidity, but he's sure as hell no baby. Also, at the beginning of the episode, Spongebob has a lazy eye. NO HE DOESN'T!!! Bad plot, ok episode. Episode RO's- Krab Borg- Sponge reads/sees something that scares the hell out of him, which causes him to overreact. MM&BBII- MM tells Sponge not to a shine a huge light in the sky unless it's an emergency. Kinda similar to what Sponge was told about the Conch Signal in MM&BBII. Money Talks- Average. Good plot, good progression, it's ok. The ending is a true mystery though. I mean, I think I get why Spongebob had Krabs's soul, because he was short on payday, so Krabs gave him his soul to compensate. But where did the other spirits come from? Why do they hold a claim on Krabs's soul? Who are they? Somebody please tell me!!! Episode RO's- Born Again Krabs- Krabs does something with the Flying Dutchman that involves Krabs risking his soul. Sponge vs. The Patty Gadget- This episode is pretty good. The fight got exciting near the end, and the rhyming was executed in a good fashion, except one of Squid's verses uses too many syllables. There is really only one thing wrong here. Why give a machine a funeral?

Slimy Dancing- Well, this episode was ok. I liked Squid's methods of getting into the competition. It was kinda weird that Spongebob was completely hollow in this episode, but that really doesn't matter because continuity doesn't matter in Spongebob. The cramp dance is kind of weird to be a dance, but the epilogue makes a halfway decent joke out of it. Also, if the dance competition only allowed single dancers, how did Sponge and Pat get into the competition? In the qualifying round, Sponge and Pat danced as a double act, so they shouldn't have qualified. One of the cheating competitors cheated by having a muscle fish in his pants. That was kinda weird, but funny if you can laugh at sick jokes. So that guy can't dance unless *insert sick gay joke here*. Anyone else notice Krabs appeared in the epilogue? It seems the writers absolutely have to put him in every episode if possible. A Flea in Her Dome- This episode was below average. To tell you the truth, not much happened. It was just three guys against an army of fleas, and most of the time, Sponge, Pat, and Sandy are fighting with each other. Patrick was the cause of most of the fights, but not for being hilariously stupid, no, by being a huge bitch. I do like how the fleas look. They look pretty realistic. So really, not much happens, not much humor to compensate for it. Episode RO's- Wormy- both episodes involve main characters fighting insects. The Donut of Shame- This one was kinda dull. Patrick's hiding places for the donut weren't funny, Spongebob eating the donut that had been in Patrick's ass wasn't funny, the angel donut agreeing with the devil donut wasn't that funny. What was funny? Sponge and Patrick getting high at the party. That was funny. The Krusty Plate- This episode had a good ending, the rest was meh. I liked when Spongebob went completely with his sanitizing, 007-style lasah. At least half this episode is worth watching. Episode RO's- Dying for Pie- the nuclear bomb footage is used in this episode. Picture Day- Why Sponge has to get his picture taken before he gets his license is beyond me. The episode was repetitive and had a terrible ending. Why? Because Sponge was crying because he was covered in Patrick's taco, and when he got cleaned up, when he was clean as a whistle, he was STILL CRYING. Dammit, Sponge, you got what you wanted, WHAT MORE DO YA WANT!? Pat No Pay- This episode is basically a shortened version of Big Pink Loser. What happens is that Pat can't pay for his krabby patty feast, so he has to work of the money, and he screws up all of his jobs. It's not that good and it's extremely predictable. Blackjack- This episode is a perfect example of how a terrible ending can ruin an episode. This episode is meant to be suspenseful and have a creepy atmosphere. In this episode, Spongebob's cousin Blackjack, a totally ripped sea sponge who used to beat the shit of Sponge during his youth, has been released from prison is threatening to take out his parents. Sponge must scan Bikini Bottom, find Blackjack, defeat him in a final showdown, and rescue his parents. Sounds thrilling, right? Seeing Sponge search down his childhood foe and beat him in an all-out brawl sounds epic, right? Well, if your looking for a funny episode, this one will leave you disappointed. They try to crack a few jokes at one point, but it ends up being a failure, because having Sponge's uncle make Sponge do stuff just because he can't hear what Sponge is saying really isn't that funny. Well, Sponge finally reaches Blackjack's shack, where his parents are being held. Turns out Sponge's parents are just celebrating Blackjack's release. But that doesn't stop the battle between Sponge and Blackjack from happening. Blackjack finally shows up, challenging Sponge to a fight. Sponge gathers his courage and prepares for the fight of his life. This is what you were waiting for, right? The epic battle that everyone in the episode had been making a big deal about is about to take place, and you're eager to see who will come out the victor. Well, guess what? The epic fight turns out to be COMPLETE, UTTER BULL SHIT!!! Blackjack, as he's about to attack Sponge, turns out to be AS BIG AS PLANKTON. Not only that, they all act like Blackjack has always been small. So Blackjack isn't a huge hulking sea sponge like Sponge said he was? Sponge was tortured by THIS GUY as a child? Ladies and gentleman, this episode marks that Spongebob has officially lost his balls. Trying to find answers to this oddity, I searched Google and found that sea sponges can only shrink if they're boiled in water. Wow, that jail must have had some pretty hot showers... Or they just f*cked up.

Well, yesterday, I saw some episodes from the new 6th season. Personally, I thought most of them were below average. But I watchd them so you don't have to. The first one I saw-

HOUSE FANCY- Well, it's been about seven years since we've seen Squilliam Fancyson, and in this episode, he finally returns. The first part was kinda boring because we already know how rich this guy is. I did get a kick out of the running joke about golden doorknobs. The joke about Spongebob eavesdropping on Squid for days wasn't that funny. It just makes him look like a legitimate homosexual. There was one funny part I though was both entertaining and strange. Patrick comes over to Squid's house to use his toilet. He then tells Squid in a subtle matter that he took a huge dump. The toilet then comes to life and wants to be put out of its misery. Well, it looks like the new writers have learned something from their past mistakes, and are only giving inanimate objects mortality for comedic reasons. The ending was interesting, as Squid's house, in its shattered remains, resembles that of the cave men, apparently. However, Squid shouldn't have won the award for fanciest house. It may date back to early ancestral house styles, but Squilliam's house is beyond fancy. Golden doorknobs, bitch. OK, not great, but some good jokes help it out. Episode RO's- Snowball Effect- Patrick trying to use Squid's toilet. SUN BLEACHED- This episode sucked. Of all things to celebrate summer vacation, this is the worst form of celebration. It begins with this really tan seal, who's tan is so good, he is worshipped by everyone. Why? Because the people of Bikini Bottom are stupid. He decides to throw a party exclusive to tan people. Is that supposed to be a reference to dress codes at parties or is it referencing a certain issue about skin pigment that I'm not gonna bring up? So Sponge and Pat think, "we gotta get tan so we can get into the party." So they turn Patrick's rock into a tanning bed. Patrick gets in first and comes out all tan and wrinkled. He then says he looks like one of those old people from soda commercials. It then cuts to an old guy advertising soda. Ok, name me one brand of soda that remotely uses old people to advertise their product. This joke makes no sense. If they want to use a joke like that, they've got to refer to something that actually exists. This is also a ripoff of Family Guy, who uses jokes like that all the time. The only difference is that Family Guy knows exactly where it's going with it's "manatee" jokes (that term's from South Park), whereas here they just go down a path of utter stupidity. A bunch of girls go up to Patrick and start worshipping him. At first, I didn't get this because Patrick was wrinkled and looked like he was 50, but then I thought if Hugh Hefner can get chicks with his aging appearance, so can Patrick. Sponge gets stuck in the bed for 2 hours and looks like how he does whenever he's exposed to air: cracked up, wrinkly, and talking like an old guy. Squid then enters the episode and laughs at Sponge for being sun bleached. No witty sarcasm, no smart remarks, he just laughs at him. I was like, "Am I supposed to laugh at that?" Patrick tries numerous times to make Sponge tan, and he eventually does. Party time! Before they get in, the seal actually takes a baby, throws him at a dumpster, and he lands into a wastebasket. Look, just because it works for South Park doesn't mean it'll work for everything. I mean, babies are delicate. He could've died from that. PRO-BABY TORTURE!? ON A KID'S SHOW!? WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO!? The ending is dull. Sponge is praised for being sun bleached I guess because he laid in the t-bed for 2 hours, they crank up the heat, everyone dies, the end. GIANT SQUIDWARD- I bet they came up with this episode after one of the writers was done playing New Super Mario Bros. and thought, "What if we make one of the characters extremely huge and chaos ensues?" Well, that's what happened. Well, Squid becomes giant from some sort of growth formula that was sprayed on him by his two idiot neighbors. Sponge, seeing Squid's massive size, says that Squid could play a game with them where Squid tries to tag Sponge and Pat while they're screaming bloody murder. Two words: unnecessary censorship. We all know Squid is going to use his newfound size to try to kill Sponge and Pat. Yeah, I know that's not nice, but they could have just said nothing. They could've just had Squid chasing them and leave it at that, no need for explanation. This also makes it seem like Sponge and Pat are unable to sense danger. Everything's a game to them. I bet if The Camping Episode was written by the new writers, Sponge and Pat would be trying to ride both the sea-bear and the sea-rhino rather that try to defend themselves from them. In other words, Sponge and Pat are out of character by being too damn stupid. An angry mob ensues because Squid tells Sponge and Pat to be quiet. They then tie Squidward down and try to burn him. Welcome to Bikini Bottom, home of the wussiest, most immature people...IN THE WORLD. Part of that angry mob is the medieval fish from Dunces & Dragons. Ok, either Bikini Bottom has an Amish community or they have found a way to travel through time. Neither is likely. A kid then says that the monstrous Squid may be nice. Look, I know the kid got the idea from a picture book, but this is SQUID we're talking about. Squid wants Sponge and Pat, two idiots who refuse to cooperate and think that danger doesn't exist, to somehow shrink him. He, of course, is not gonna play good cop in this situation, he's gonna play bad cop. Squid, being shunned by so many people, hating his life, and being the second biggest prick in Bikini Bottom (first is Patrick), is gonna show no mercy, so what would possess them to think that he MAY be nice? The Bikini Bottomites then ask Squid to do various odd jobs. *cough*SpongeWhoCouldFlyRipoff*cough* But the angry mob is reformed and tries, again, to get Squidward. Why? Well, a guy sneezes, everyone but Squidward blesses him. WHAT!? YOU CAN'T START AN ANGRY MOB FOR A PETTY, LITTLE REASON LIKE THAT!!! Squid, being so huge, probably couldn't hear the sneeze, you ever thought of that? Sponge and Pat have a sleepover in Squid's belly-button. Um...how gay are these people? Sponge and Pat decide to get Squid out of his blue ruin by making him a giant clarinet. Squid plays the clarinet, and it turns out to be the most beautiful thing he's ever heard. But then he shrinks, and cannot play it. They don't explain how Squid returned to normal size, but I think it was because the growth formula wore off.

Ok, I'm gonna skip a few episodes because they are ones in particular that I want to review. Also, I take back what I said about Sponge losing his balls. Stuff like that doesn't matter. Sponge is just supposed to be funny, which he hasn't been lately. I'm going to start with one people constantly rant on about: ATLANTIS SQUAREPANTIS-

[This review has two versions: the original Facebook version and an edited version made for TV.com. Half of the Facebook version is missing due to Facebook reformatting the message boards into regular comment chains. The TV.com version was not only edited to remove the curse words and some of the more offensive jokes, but the TV.com mods removed many cases of all-caps within the review.]

This "TV movie" is nothing more than an overhyped 45-minute episode containing none of the stuff that makes a Spongebob episode great. This is how the episode goes: Sponge and Pat are in Jellyfish Fields trying to take snapshots of bubbles. The only problem is that the flash pops the bubble and doesn't show up in the picture. They then proceed to sing a song about how everything in the world has to end at some point. It's not a bad song, really. They then enter the cave from Nature Pants and Your Shoe's Untied, where they find half of THE HOLY ATLANTIAN AMULET!! Our heroes then run over to the museum, where Krabs is trying to get some cash by putting a toll gate at the museum's entrance. Sponge and Pat enter the museum where they meet up with Squid. Squid thinks that Sponge and Pat stole what he thinks is the other half of the amulet that's on display at the museum, but to his surprise, he sees they have the second half. Squid then tells Sponge, Pat, and Krabs about Atlantis and what great things that they have accomplished. Sandy pops outta nowhere to say stupid shit about science, they assemble the amulet, and summon a pimped-out bus. But this isn't any pimped out bus. This pimped-out bus has the most unusual fuel source. Electricity? Water? Plankton? No! It runs on SONG! Since the bus, despite being pimped out, doesn't have a radio, the five lucky riders will have to sing their way to Atlantis. Only one problem. In musicals, there is never a logical explanation to sing, you just sing when the time is right, that's it. Also, the song is just about going to Atlantis and doing the stuff that piques their interests. In fact, the song is so basic, it could have the same amout of meaning as the song Sponge and Pat sung in the episode Neptune's Spatula after Sponge won the cook-off. "We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis!" Come to think of it, that song was kinda catchy. After Patrick crashes the bus into Atlantis, we see Plankton. Plankton wants to get ahold of Atlantis's weapons of mass destruction to do everything he said he was going to do in his version of the FUN song. There are many signs throughout the special that indicate that Plankton was just thrown in as an extra. First sign: they give no explanation as to how he got on the bus. Second sign: They have him exit the bus in the most illogical way: through the tailpipe, which the bus shouldn't have because it runs on song fuel. We then meet up with Lord Royal Highness (or Lord Royal Jackass, as I like to call him), who looks like a Blue Meanie from the Beatles's Yellow Submarine video and is voiced by famous singer David Bowe. LRJ falls down a large flight of stairs, which is about as funny as watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. So the episode follows a certain pattern for each character. They enter a room that reflects on one of the character’s traits, they sing a song, and the remaining characters continue on with the tour while the other one stays behind to bask in the room’s godliness. Well this isn’t a Willy Wonka ripoff! As all of this is happening, Plankton is trying to get to the WMD’s. The first room is the money storage room. Krabs gets such a big orgy from this, he even considers turning himself into money via a money press. First of all, a money press just prints the dollar design on dollar paper, so Krabs shouldn’t have been flat, he’s not paper. Second, and this is the main argument, how far can they take this simple characteristic? What sense does this make? What is turning yourself into money gonna accomplish? NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA. It has nothing to do with greed at all. Did they just do that to make the song longer? I bet that’s why they did it. I don’t remember it exactly, but I don’t think the beat of the song was consistent. Not surprising. Next, we go to the R&D room. We see an ice cream transmogrifier, good for the tonsil-less, I guess. Then we come to the main invention: a machine that shrinks a person down to microscopic size to fight viruses in MORTAL KOMBAT!!! Well, not Mortal Kombat, but in other video games. That’s right, this sequence rips off of video games. Basically, Sandy has to defeat a bunch of viruses in video games and defeat the giant nose boss to save Sponge, Pat, and Squid. They ripoff DDR and Bust-a-Move and that’s about it. What, no Pac-Man ripoff? No Tetris ripoff? What about Mario? That would’ve been easy, just ripoff Dr. Mario. We ARE fighting viruses, no? Also, the 8-bit versions of the characters look bad. I have a Spongebob video game for the Game Boy Color, and that game, the characters looked better than in this movie. The song? Ouch, not too good. Sandy, no one gives two shits about the periodic table of elements, at least when watching TV that isn’t Discovery channel. Next up is the art room, filled with artistic marvels painted by only the most talented artists in the sea. Squid’s song was OK, but the song’s video was average. The painting ripoffs are well placed, and many of them are easy to point out. Unfortunately, that really isn’t saying much. Plankton’s song is the shortest out of the bunch, another sign of him being thrown in as an extra. The video only uses the colors red, white, and black. This was to make Plankton look like a Nazi. Did they forget that Jewish people are watching this show? Making references to a group of people that caused the slaughter of a bunch of Jews on a kid’s show…not too smart. Finally, we get to Sponge and Pat, who get to see the World’s Oldest Bubble. Just go with it, ok? Surprisingly, there’s no song. Instead, LRH just leaves the two there with the bubble. Patrick snaps a picture of the bubble, and…OMG THEY POPPED THE BUBBLE!!! Yeah, after all of the singing and touring bull, we finally get to the climax of the story. The group meets back up at the banquet hall for a FEAST (sorry, no Snickers at this feast). Sponge tells LRJ about the sin that had committed. LRJ tells them that the bubble they popped was a phony, and he then pulls out the real one. Patrick takes a picture, and…OMG THEY POPPED THE BUBBLE!!! Yes, after popping a fake bubble and giving us a cheap adrenaline rush, we finally get to the REAL climax of the story. We then get to an action scene. Five main characters vs. an army of Blue Meanies. This would be ok if Sandy wasn’t the only one doing all the work. Sponge knows karate, Pat is a self-renowned world championship kickboxer, Squid can be a hell of a fighter when he’s pissed, and Krabs was in the freakin’ Navy. I think all of the characters can hold out on their own without acting as Sandy’s weapons. The characters successfully escape the Meanie armada, only to be stopped by Plankton, who has acquired a big-ass tank to kill people with. Death is inevitable. This is the end of Spongebob. Plankton fires the tank, kills the five characters (no blood, of course), and destroys the city of Atlantis. He then destroys Bikini Bottom, then moves on to the United States, North America, the other Americas, the whole world, the solar system, the universe, and all beyond that. In Heaven, Sponge realizes that like everything else in the world, his life would had to have ended at some point. Patrick is happy to find a place where he is not judged by his IQ, Squid tearfully reunites with his deceased father and finds love, and Krabs regrets his actions from his mortal life, wishing that he could’ve gotten more out of it than getting every cent and bill the sea had. Sandy, however, was sent to Hell for being a sciento

[the rest of this review is from the censored TV.com version since the original Facebook version got cut off. Honestly, it’s better that way, that Scientology joke makes no fucking sense.]

Sandy's mental strain finally goes away, as she is now in a place where science really doesn't matter. Yeah right. Plankton fires the tank, only to find that it shoots ice cream! Could it have been any more anticlimactic? I mean, I get the ice cream transmogrifier from earlier, but how does that connect with the ice cream tank? Also, LRJ said he locked the "WMD's" to promote the growth of world peace. So ice cream causes wars and terrorism? Real educational. Because LRJ is in need desperate need of a main attraction, he captures Plankton and displays him as a sideshow as opposed to the now-destroyed bubble. LRJ does this because he thinks Plankton is a "talking speck." Well, you got half of that right, he does talk, but he's not a speck! Was he not paying attention at all during the fight scene, where Sponge and Pat clearly yelled "Thanks, Plankton!"? He's a plankton! A common microscopic organism normally eaten by small fish and whales. Note that I used the word "common." Why capture a common organism? What makes Plankton so special? The only thing that makes him different from other plankton is that he isn't a redneck, but I doubt LRJ knows that because he's confined to an unknown city separated from the rest of the world. So after that bizarre moment, our 5 *ahem* "heroes" set off for the journey home. Sponge sings a final song about how Bikini Bottom may not have everything they'd like it to have, but it's still their home, and to quote The Wizard of Oz, there's no place like home. So even a trip to Atlantis would have had to end at some point. This shows that no matter how great something is, it has to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, it will have to go past the point of no return. While the special sucked, it had a good lesson to teach. But wait! Wasn't the first song about how nothing has permanence? So we just had to watch the first 5 minutes of the freakin special to get the message, and that we waste the other 40 minutes watching beyond the point where the first song ends? That just proves how much substance this special has. What could be explained in 5 minutes was explained in 45. Overall, not funny, not deep, no plot, waste of time, waste of money. The only reason to watch it is just to make fun of it. Final Grade: F

[I wrote a review for Banned in Bikini Bottom in the same post, but again, Facebook reformatting has made it lost to time. All I remember is that I got the villain’s name wrong and I kept bitching about how dumb the plot was, how annoying the recurring music number was, and how it was completely stupid that the Secret Krusty Krab had a giant sign advertising it’s presence.]

OK, I'm not gonna review the episodes in order anymore. I'm just gonna do it randomly. OK, here's a bad one: THE BATTLE OF BIKINI BOTTOM- I actually had hopes for this episode. If you've seen the first few minutes of it, you'd feel the same. The episode starts out with Sponge and Pat picking out shirts that read this: BEST FRIEND -------> So that they can promote their friendship. But later the shirts point at two girls, and Sponge says that they gotta ditch the shirts because their "sending the wrong message." This could either be funny or offensive. If you can take a gay joke, it's funny. If you don't like to see Sponge and Pat being portrayed as being gay, it's offensive. You know what, Sponge used to be straight, but ever since season 4, he's been trying to get as many anacondas as possible. So after getting booted out of the mall for product destruction, Sponge and Pat come across a war reenactment of America's battle against the Red Coats. Now you're thinking, "That's not too bad. Maybe we can get a few thrills from the action." But then Sponge asks what the war was about, and Patrick explains. He says that the war began when a Red Coat told Patrick's Revolutionary ancestor to wash his filth-ridden hands. A fight breaks out, and I guess the war begins. So basically, Pat says the war was about cleanliness, and it gave us the right to be either clean or dirty. Well, Patrick then says that he's never washed his hands in his life. At this point, you should just change the channel. Sponge gets disgusted at Patrick's customs and a fight breaks out. Trust me, you'd be disgusted at Patrick too. Why? Because the animators thought it would be a great idea to show Patrick's lack of sanitation in very detailed extreme closeups. I think they were trying to rip off some of the gross-out humor Ren and Stimpy used. The only difference is that R&S had actual humor to back it up, and that's why it was such a great show. Not this episode, it relies solely on disgusting closeups. As the "new" series progressed, Patrick's character began to deteriate. He went from being just a simple character that just happened to have ADD to a dumb f*ck that can't crack a decent joke to save his life. This episode is Patrick's worst episode. Never has his character been so anally raped. Not only did they change him mentally, making him a filth whore, but they also changed him physically. They give Patrick things that he should never have. First of all, they put 2 large toenails on Patrick's legs. OK, what crack were they snorting when they did this? Would any decent person in this universe even consider giving Patrick actual feet, let alone toenails? His feet look like fingers. He has fingers for legs! Yeah, that's nice to know. Second, at one point during the fight, he says that the glove must come off. Then, he actually takes off his hand. You know what's under it? A HUMAN HAND! A HUMAN HAND!!!! Are you shitting me!? A human hand!? They had the balls to give him a human hand!? So, now what are you saying!? That Patrick isn't a starfish, but just a FINGER PUPPET IN A STARFISH COSTUME!? Well, according to the new cast, that's what he is. Patrick is a human finger puppet wearing a cute little starfish costume, and Stephen Hillenburg has been lying to us all these years. I think they actually did this to explain how Patrick is always able to randomly generate fingers. That's something that needs no explanation. He just can. Finally, they make Patrick grow a nose. No, not a little hole in his head, or a small round nose that sometimes appears on his face. They give him a nose that would outnose Squidward's. This is pretty screwed up. He then proceeds to pick his nose, in a detailed close-up, and chase Sponge around trying to fling his...nasal waste...at him. Thankfully, they have of courtesy of not showing this f*cked-up act. Well, at least they know when enough is enough. Overall, for sanity's sake, don't watch this episode. If you do decide to watch the episode, then you are brave, my friend.

Two years after I stopped doing reviews, the “You’re my hero” guy left me this comment and this exchange happened.

GUY: “I haven't been on here in two years, but now I am even more impressed than I was. The cash hungry execs at viacom should read these.”

ME: “Waited four months to reply, but I've got to say this. Honestly, I stopped caring about this issue years ago. Not only is it irrelevant for me to be ranting about a show in which I'm not in the target age group, but this was going to happen anyway. The show was getting popular, so the network decided to keep making more and more episodes. If the original writers of the show decide to move on to new projects, the network will hire new ones to replace them. It doesn't matter if they actually know how to write for a particular show, as long as they write something, the network is happy. All of this ranting and venting I did was not helping the cause at all. In fact, what I'm doing now is helping it. I stopped giving a shit, so I stopped watching. Plus, I just did these things for fun. The fun came from just pointing out fucked-up parts of episodes and making jokes about them. Why else do you think they're so overcritical? I was like the friggin Nostalgia Critic. So yeah, don't really care anymore. If you want overcritical reviews of a dead cartoon show, well, find someone else to do it.” GUY: “Well, at least you know you entertained me.”

And then I became a hypocrite and watched MoBros and Enter’s videos on the subject later on.

So anyway, those were my SB reviews. I guess everyone goes through this kinda period at some point in their lives.

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