personal rant (tw chronic pain, chronic illness)
i don't normally post stuff like this on here at all because i love keeping this space here just for fun fandom stuff, but today has just been so unbelievably shit and i feel like i just need to scream into the void about it for a moment to try and process.
basically, me and my sister had vip tickets to meet and see this band today who's incredibly special to us. they were a total lifeline for us when we were growing up, but we never got the chance to see them live. in august when we finally got these tickets over ten years after we both started listening to them, we were both over the MOON. it was such a special moment for us, but also felt like such a milestone because both of us have been through so much since we were those kids sitting in my room finding so much solace in this band's music together. it felt like such a significant thing to be going to see them all these years later, having overcome so much and both of us being in places now that we never thought we could get to.
anyway, fast track to today and i woke up in excruciating pain. some of you might know that i have some issues with various chronic illnesses/pain already, and one of the conditions i have is endometriosis. for anyone who doesn't know, it's an incurable condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows outside the womb and causes chronic pelvic pain, fatigue, and a whole bunch of other fun symptoms. but it's biggest symptom, for me anyway, is the WORST period pain you can imagine. like, no medications can touch it, passed out on the floor for hours, screaming in agony kind of pain. i've lived with it for over half my life now and yes, obviously it affects me - but also i've got pretty good at learning how to manage it, and i have it down to like. a day or two per month where i'm incapacitated by pain rather than half the days. some months i don't get days like that at all now. i wouldn't say i feel good - a lot of the time i'm in pain and on painkillers/carrying around a hot water bottle with me when i'm at home etc - but i'm like. mostly functional. it hurts, but when it does, usually these days i can push through it when i really need to (even if that makes it worse later).
but today? today of all days, i woke up with the most excruciating pain i've had probably all year. i couldn't see or move enough to reach out to my bedside table and take my painkillers, let alone think of getting on a train and going to a gig. it's been over twelve hours and i'm only now able to sit up enough to watch stuff on my laptop for comfort and type this out (and i'm still in a lot of pain). of course my sister had to go to the gig without me, because there was just no way i could physically move to get there. and i'm just feeling so shit because although of course she was lovely about it, she was so nervous about going by herself and also really sad we couldn't go together, and i feel so much like i've let her down and that my body hasn't just ruined this incredibly special thing for me but also for her.
i generally try not to dwell on the stuff i can't do because i've learnt that it's NOT helpful, and it doesn't change anything anyway. i'm used to missing things i want to go to and not being able to see friends sometimes, working and having no energy left to do anything but sleep at the weekends. and most of the time it's okay, i've kind of made my peace with it. but on days like today i just feel so sad about it, all the things i don't get to do - especially things like this which are such special, once in a lifetime kind of opportunities. i know i shouldn't really complain because on the whole i've been really lucky with the things i've got to do despite my condition - i think this is the first time in a good five years or so that it's caused me to miss going to something really big like this, and i've got to go and see so many wonderful bands over that time. but this one... they're just such a special one to me and to my sister, and it feels like such a loss. and it just brings home how much this condition really does affect me - i've got pretty good at downplaying it over the years, but it's days like today where i'm like, no actually. this is awful and there's nothing i can do about it. which is a really scary kind of position to be in.
i don't even really know what the purpose of this post was other than to just let some of that out. normally i'd speak to my sister about it because she understands it the most, but i didn't want to let her see how upset i was about not being able to go because i still wanted her to have the best time possible and not be worrying about me. anway yeah, sorry to anyone who's read all the way through this, i know it's long and rambly and super negative. usually i'm able to take this kind of thing in my stride, but today it just really got me and i just feel so sad and defeated. i know in a few days it won't loom so big, and there are other wonderful things on the horizon that i'll get to do - but yeah. for today, i think i just need to let myself feel sad.
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Hi! I thought about that Thena maybe sees his bruises that he got from falling down the stairs, when he makes himself ready for the night and is worried about him?
Maybe some soft moment?
I think it was from the teach me to love au!
"Gil."
He turned at that soft voice. He pulled his t-shirt on the rest of the way and turned on his side of the bed, "what's up, Angel?"
Thena came into the room, pushing the door closed gently behind her. She padded over to him, eyes running over him in the soft light of the lamp. "Let me see."
He almost wasn't sure what she was talking about at first, until he saw her eyes on him. As much as he might have enjoyed turning this into some teasing, maybe a little fun. He sighed.
Thena bit into her lip as he pulled his shirt off again, exposing the bruises that were forming and already starting to develop colour. "Gil, these are bad."
"I've had worse," he chuckled, but got poked between the ribs with a thin, manicured finger. "Ah!"
"I mean it," she muttered, not indulging in his attempt to laugh it off. "Gil, you could have gotten really hurt."
He frowned, turning on the bed to look at her better. She had tears in her eyes, "Thena-"
"Do you know how I started telling Druig no running?--especially with socks on?" She adjusted her legs beside her, winding out of her nightdress. "He was just starting to walk."
"You have to watch them at that age so closely," she shook her head as she remembered it. "I was still at home with him full time, but I just...I just had to run to the office for a few minutes."
Gil didn't like the sound of this, most definitely barrelling towards a story of her ex-husband.
"I told Kro to watch him, I still had baby gates up, I thought-" Thena cut herself off, pinching her eyes closed. Her whole body shuddered. "I was only gone a half hour."
Gil pulled her closer to him, nuzzling her temple, "what happened, Angel?"
She sniffled. "I came back and Druig was screaming bloody murder. I asked Kro what happened and he said he didn't know. He was in the living room and Druig was 'around'."
Gil rolled his eyes.
"Druig had gotten up enough momentum that he couldn't stop and slid right into the corner of the coffee table," she sighed, her shoulders dropping. "When I looked at his hair he even had some blood. I was angrier than I ever remember being in my life."
"I think that's understandable, Angel," Gil kissed her hair. And it sounded exactly like the Kro they knew (unfortunately).
"Ever since then I'm particularly vigilant about running, and sock feet, and especially stairs-"
Gil pressed a kiss to Thena's forehead, reclining her more in his arms so they could look at each other without hurting their necks. "I'm sorry, Thena. I knew the rule had a reason and I indulged him too much."
She put her hand on his cheek, "it's not like I never indulge it. These things happen."
He still felt bad about it.
She tapped her finger against his chin, "Gil, you protected him from something that happens to kids everyday. That is all that matters, you know."
"I know, but," he shook his head. He gave her a wincing expression, "well, maybe I was feeling a little more indulgent than I usual because of the whole-"
"Personal space."
They both laughed as they finished the collective and familiar sentence. Thena nodded, "it's been hard for you."
Gil shook his head, "it's been hard on Druig."
Thena tilted her head at him, "on you, too. You've been extra careful around him. It's hard when they're unhappy with you."
Gil nodded. She knew very well what it was like to have to be the villain based solely on making the responsible decisions. "We were having fun."
Thena smiled, kissing him gently, "he loves you."
He leaned into her touch on his cheek, "I love him too, Angel."
"He trusts you enough to ask you not to tell me," Thena offered both to help his spirits and with not that pleased an expression.
"Ah, kids do that," he shrugged, settling them on the bed more comfortably. "I guess it's good that he trusts me, still."
"He always trusted you, Gil," she leaned up and pecked his cheek as he settled her on his chest against the pillows, "he just got a little shaken up."
He chuckled; that could be said about the 'personal space' incident and the fall just today. He sighed.
"It'll pass," Thena promised him as she pulled the comforter up around them. She leaned up to kiss him again, "Druig trusts you. And I trust you, love."
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