#like October/November were suuuper hard on me mentally

[newvegascowboy]

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#not fallout #kal talks #ok to preface this is a POSI VENT #it just might get a little heavy #i tend to be a Little Personal on here and im going to be a lil more personal. im thinky thoughts #but man... its been a year since literally the lowest point in my life #like last march. i will say. was... really bad for me mentally. i wont go much deeper than that but maybe some of you remember. #im much much better now but i will say i was a little wary as this month and anniversary approached because i was afraid basically #(the actual anniversary passed last week and i didnt notice) #but ive managed to do soo much growing and healing from where i was last year like it is honestly astonishing #im definitely not the same person i was when i couldn't even honestly confront myself #in a way i think what happened last year was one of the best things to happen to me #it doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen in the future but it does mean that i survived that and i can survive whatever else #happens too #healing isnt linear i know that. like obviously im going to have setbacks and some days im incredibly whiny and bitchy #like October/November were suuuper hard on me mentally #but again - still here! #still alive and still putting laundry away and taking baths and reading books and doing art #And its almost SUMMER again! #and god i want to live this summer. #and its kind of funny how...when you think you want to die just saying thr words 'i want to live' feels like...idk. it feels like something #but i want to live #and i want to go hike at zion and i want to eat watermelon and i want to sit in the sun and paint red rocks #i wanted to die last year and it felt so real i could have but im still here and i want to live and do things while im here #that's all i guess #life's hard. its a bitch and then you die. but there are some pretty good parts to it too and every summer i remember why