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variousqueerthings · 3 years

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Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts.

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise.

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material.

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

#tom hardy #mad max: fury road #venom 2018 #inception #rocknrolla #warrior 2011 #legend 2015 #the drop 2014 #the revenant #the dark knight rises #lawless 2012 #locke #this means war

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septiembrre · 4 years

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Rio Headcanons

Tagged by the wonderful @foxmagpie

What are your headcanons about Rio’s family? Siblings? Parents? Lifestyle growing up?

I really love the idea of Rio having been raised by a supportive, healthy, loving, beautiful nuclear family. I personally have imagined him with siblings -- sisters! Cousins! I think his respect for women and their power has to come from somewhere and it’s probably a matriarch. He has a strong handle on parenting and I think he must be modeling his own caregivers...

But, @foxmagpie pointed out the black & white vintage photos in his closet... Obviously, I had seen them but I just understood them to be like my family’s own old photographs. I had thought -- they’re just his ancestors, probably his grandparents or bisabuelos. But, then I realized there’s no sign of sisters, any siblings or of his parents in his apartment. The Good Girls set design team loves a ridiculously terrible photo prop (hello old Dean/Beth family photos) and you know they would have been down to make the same thing for Rio... but alas. All we have are those photos of Rio + Marcus, an ambiguous baby picture and the black & white photo and it’s probably intentional.

I come from a small, atypical Mexican-American family structure myself, but I feel for him. I always headcanoned that he had a dad who had died when he was a kid or a teenager and that maybe his mom was still around and involved in his & Marcus’ life. But, quizas no?

I’m curious about how much Beth knows now about Rio’s family structure from Rhea. She knows Rhea’s a single mom, and her co-parent was out of the picture for a spell. But, I think Rhea would have also mentioned involvement or support from Marcus’s other set of abuelos/her former in-laws?

So... who were Rio’s caregivers? His grandparents? No sisters??? We should all collectively DM Manny and ask him to share his own Rio backstory headcanons. Haha, watch -- the show is totally going to ret-con this in Season 4.

It’s interesting overall how the writer’s deploy family world-building for the characters. Dean’s mom is the only one on-screen -- and Dean’s parents overall have gotten more build out than any other family history combined (wild!). I know that’s influenced by them casting Jessica Walter who is phenom, but expanding out the family histories is such a rich area for the show creators to play in if they choose to go there. All of our main protagonists have deceased parents. I think it’s been a choice on the show to play into a lack of safety net and support for the women. For better or for worse, Beth, Ruby & Annie are at a point where they are it for their children.

That being said -- I would love to meet Stan’s parents! And I would love to get information about Rio’s coming-into-crime especially as a parallel to Beth’s experience. It’s the parallel we would all want and the parallel we deserve. (Dear show, Stop with the Boland family parallels, PLEASE! If I have to hear about Dean’s scummy dad one more time--).

But, yes, I’m very invested in Beth & Annie’s, Ruby’s, Stan’s, and, of course, Rio’s families and hope we get to see more characterization unfold over the next seasons.

What are your headcanons for Rio and Rhea’s relationship? How do you think they met, at what point did Rhea learn about his work, was Rio in love with her, etc.?

I’m so curious about what attracts Rio to people/his love interests. It’s becoming clear what attracts him to Beth... But, I wonder about has attracted him to others.

While Beth & Rhea are both moms (haha, and beautiful, and well-endowed with the boobs), that’s in the present time on the show -- Rio was attracted to Rhea before she was a mom. I wonder what he looks for? What did he see in Dylan?

Hmmm.

What are your headcanons about Rio’s and Mick’s relationship? Did they meet through crime? Are they lifelong friends?

I want them to be childhood friends!!!! I want that so badddddd!!!

Oh, god, can you imagine a flashback to them young in crime?! Like late teens or early 20s? Ha, as a parallel to the Beth + Ruby scene/origin story? I would die. DIE.

Do you think Rio’s been arrested before Beth got him arrested in 1.10? When, and what for?

Ha, I don’t think he’s been arrested for anything significant. He’s plenty sanctimonious about keeping his name out of everything.

If Rio weren’t a crime boss, what jobs do you think he’d be good at? Why?

I mean he’s probably great a math, phenom at managing a huge team/multiple business ventures, and super charismatic. What couldn’t he do?

I think he was probably pushed to crime because of lack of opportunity for MOC and the need for money. This does make me think he came up poor. But, I think he stayed in crime because he’s so good at it, and likes the flexibility, the creativity, the $$$, and the power.

I think he could go legit and still be pulling in decent buck with all of his business fronts but he doesn’t choose to.

What are Rio’s hobbies outside of work and Marcus? What do you think he’d get up to on a day with absolutely no responsibilities?

He’s obviously an art heaux. The real question is WHAT’S HIS MEDIUM???? If he actually produces art like the abstract stuff up in his house, I would scream. I can see him being into photography when the mood strikes him and he has time. #hipster

I like the idea of Rio taking cooking classes in some sort of exclusive, foodie way (1:1 with a chef, or a compa who is a fly line cook).

We know he plays tennis and I also imagine he boxes and works out at the type of high-end gym I could only dream of. It probably never smells of sweat, and all the machines are top-end, brand new. I mentioned in a post a while ago that I wasn’t sure if I wanted Rio to be my boyfriend, my bff, or to adopt me -- and I stand by it.

Who do you think Dylan is to Rio (a friend, an associate, someone he was dating?) and why?

I do lean towards friend/associate/some one he’s fucked. Rio was very handsy with Dylan’s person. Obviously, in real life Manny & Adelfa are married, and I think they were leaning heavily on that intimacy in the scene.

But Rio also didn’t kiss Dylan? Which leads me back to -- damn, Rio. You were fronting so hard. Like... that was high-school-level showmanship.

What do you think Rio’s goals for the future are?

I think he wants to be his own boss, I think he likes being at the top of the food chain, and I think he wants to stay in crime because he still sees opportunities.

I’m so curious as to what his $$$ bench marks are?

Beth’s are current financial security and probably college for all of her little ones. So what it for Rio?

- College for Marcus?

- Inheritance for Marcus?

- Inheritance for all of his (nonexistent) family?

It has to be more than that. He’s already hit these benchmarks based off of the status symbols in the show (the G-Wagon, the quality of furniture in his loft, Rhea’s offer of maybe like a $5-10k check to Beth. Beth’s not family!).

What do you think Rio is bad at (cooking, dancing, singing, etc.)? How come?

I don’t think he can bake.

I also don’t seem him being good at boldly lying to people? It’s definitely not his style. He’s more of a lying by omission type of person. I don’t see him being able to spin a tale like Beth, but he also doesn’t have her white privilege/whole suburban mom aesthetic.

Hm, I haven’t rewatched the show in a minute but I think the only time we’ve seen him boldly lie is to Beth -- when he lies about the nature of their relationship. Haha, and he’s really bad at it. Maybe this isn’t the fairest thing to judge him on. But, I think his lying relies on purposeful silence.

Why do you think Rio is drawn to Beth?

I think Rio was drawn to Beth because she’s a survivor, she’s scrappy and she’s smart. I think he’s drawn to how quick she is on her feet. Beth has limited awareness but she can be really good at navigating what’s going for her and leveraging it for her gain (and Rio’s). I think he’s also been drawn to her because she’s a parent, and she can be really brave (I would say reckless!! Beth, stop endangering yourself!).

Beth’s also like absurdly beautiful. Christina is ethereal and they try to make her ... frumpy or something in the show. But... we have eyes. And Rio certainly has eyes for her figure, and her face, and like all the attributes and isn’t shy about letting her know.

Why do you think Rio didn’t kill Beth? Was it their past, his present feelings for her, because he needed her business? Some combination?

I think Rio sees a kindred spirit in Beth and at this point (post-Season 3), she’s in his life now. Despite all that she’s done to him, he seems completely unable to extricate himself from her. I think this due to his present past feelings for her. The business is a bonus, a front if you will.

In Season 2, there were these questions for Beth about whether all of it was real -- if she meant something to Rio, if Beth could walk back all of her crimes so far and retreat into anonymity. In Season 3, we know that Beth can’t let go of crime, and that she’s capable of the same dark deeds as Rio, and we know that Rio did care for her, cares for her still apparently because he’s very much in his feelings. Those Season 3 picnic table scenes? Wow.

Ah, can you believe these two are going to like... have some sort of development in their relationship again? Obviously, it will be full of strife and conflict. But isn’t it wild that we have another Brio sex scene in store for us one day? Jenna Ban’s comment, “You don't go from having the hottest sex of your life to wanting someone dead without conflicted feelings” is just the BIGGEST TEASE. How are our bbs going to be intimate with each other again?

OKAY THIS ENDED UP BEING SUPER LONG. Jeez... If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for engaging with my headcanons. Lmk what you think :-)

#ggweek2020 #rio

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palmviolet · 5 years

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hii! may i just ask you why/how the mom steve meme is sexist?

thank you for asking so politely!! i’m happy to talk about it (and i think it ought to be discussed).

okay, so let’s talk about mom steve.

steve is a teenage boy. the foundations of his character were set as the stereotypical 80s high school douche, a kind of foil to jonathan, whom nancy was always ultimately going to choose over steve - regardless of how steve’s character developed later on. then the duffers met joe keery, and decided to take his character in a different direction. he starts the series as your high school bully, though the take on the trope is more nuanced than it was originally, but by the end of season 1 he’s starting to redeem himself.

this is all good. it’s more interesting, actually, than the more typical archetype fulfilled by billy in season 2. the duffers are all about nuance.

so let’s go to joyce in season 1. joyce embodies another archetype - the stricken, frantic, hysterical mother. the narrative could easily dismiss her, but instead a large proportion of the series is from her perspective: we see her use of the christmas lights not as a delusion but as a rational, logical experiment. we as the audience are desperate for the others to believe her. so here, too, there is another subversion of a trope - and when her beliefs are validated by hopper, literally part of the institutions that dismiss her (he is ex-army, the police chief, a man), she is still a fundamental part of uncovering the mystery and finding her son. he doesn’t take over. without her, they never would have succeeded.

all this she does in aid of her child. she gets called crazy, delusional, a mess even by her own son, jonathan - but she doesn’t give up.

to summarise so far - in season 1, both steve and joyce subvert tropes. joyce overcomes institutional sexism by her strength and belief as a mother.

onto season 2. the crisis - the monster du jour - isn’t so glaring this time, but creeps up on the narrative. will is present and for a while joyce can be more relaxed. she has a boyfriend now - bob - and they seem happy together. we learn than she and hopper went to high school together. we discover she - and the other characters - are still heavily traumatised by the events of season 1. nancy is too, and she’s struggling in her relationship with steve. but instead of framing their breakup around her trauma, around how they simply don’t work together anymore because they’ve both grown to be different people, the show seems to favour steve and make it less than amicable. we are made to feel sorry for steve, poor, dumped steve, instead of placing the two on equal ground.

@jancys-blue-bayou made a good post about this a while back, when the teaser for s3 came out. in it they discuss steve in season 2; ‘they began […] by making him “a loser” through his relationship with nancy ending in a way that humiliated his frail male ego and then king steve losing his crown to billy, so he’s not popular in high school now. just like jonathan’s never been.’ essentially they begin to shape steve into what jonathan used to be - a loner, an outcast, someone the audience should sympathise with. the kind of character stranger things has always been about.

meanwhile the whole mess with will begins, and joyce has no other focus once again - her relationship with bob falls by the wayside, unless he becomes relevant to will again (calling him up about the tape, inviting him in to help them solve the map). within the narrative this is perfectly understandable - her son is going through something horrible, again, of course he’s all she cares about - but we lose any sense of joyce the person, again. she’s just joyce the mom. contrast this with hopper, who is treated very differently by the narrative. he has multiple plotlines, emotional beats. as @nancykali puts it, ‘the duffers didn’t want to deal with their only main adult female character having a storyline outside of will and hopper. oh but wait - hopper could get his storylines as joyce’s love interest, a support for will, and an adoptive parent to el though, couldn’t he? that’s unbalanced and sexist storytelling.’

so, to recap - while joyce is reduced down to just the Mom (which was fine in s1, because of the urgency of the situation and the fact that this was a new show, none of the characters had been developed much yet, but starts to become alarming in s2) which by default makes her less relatable, less of a figure for the audience to connect with, steve is deliberately cast as a multi-faceted, sympathetic character. joyce’s ‘story is no less than hopper’s but it’s treated as lesser by the canon because she’s a woman and her role is Mother First, Human Second. but if a man decides to be a father he deserves to be lauded, where for a mother to adopt a little girl, that’s too predictable to some people.’ this last bit is in reference to hopper, but it works for steve too. steve giving attention to the kids and acting protective over them for what amounts to one afternoon is celebrated far beyond anything joyce has done, because it’s breaking type. and sure, that can be a good thing. when the series first came out i really enjoyed babysitter steve.

but that’s all he is. a babysitter. joyce is a real mom, and yet because she’s a woman, that’s her job description. but because steve is a teenage boy, who used to be something of a bully, he gets praise far beyond what he might deserve.

being a mother is what drives joyce’s narrative arc - and that’s wrong, and misogynistic, because she deserves to be fleshed out and given other plotlines too - and her character would literally have nothing without it. it feels like a slap in the face, then, for it to be steve who is labelled ‘best mom’ - steve, who has multiple facets to his character, steve who is a teenage boy, steve who is affluent and male and up until recently embodied the trope of 80s highschool bully. joyce is quite literally a single mom and we are shown that she often struggles to make ends meet. she’s had nervous breakdowns in the past, she works weekends and nights and holidays, she relies on jonathan almost as a co-parent to will. she’s a flawed mother, but she does her goddamn best because her life is hard - and despite all this she finds time to actively know and engage with her sons’ interests, to play with them, to have jokes with them. this is being a good mom.

‘mom steve’ is perpetuated by fandom, but it is rooted in the show. take the first s3 teaser: ‘they have him work a menial job that has fans of the mom meme write stuff like “steve got a minimum wage job to take care of his five kids”’. both joyce and jonathan work/have worked menial jobs to support their family, possibly both at minimum wage - while steve is very notably and explicitly affluent. in fact if any character in the show who is not a mom deserves to be called one, it’s jonathan, who is in all but name a co-parent to will. i think @jancys-blue-bayou and @nervousalligator have written on this in the past.

however, applying the term ‘mom’ to these male characters at all is sexist by itself. it promotes the idea that only women can be caregivers - that parenting is only the duty of the mother, and is nothing to do with men. this is highly misogynistic, links back to age-old gender roles that it’s high time were erased, and yet the meme perpetuates them. steve is male. if anything, he should be called ‘dad steve’ - but people won’t run with that, because it’s all a joke. because motherhood is a joke. joyce is defined by being a mother and yet she gets no recognition for it, while steve is not a mother, has multiple plotlines and facets beyond that meme, and yet is lauded as the best mom of all.

it’s actually a manner of woobifying him. he’s not a perfect character, not of them are, yet this ‘mom’ caricature somehow strives to paint him as such. it’s the same with hopper, in his parenting of el - his obvious flaws are dismissed across the fandom because of sweet father-daughter moments. i love hopper as a character, and i can appreciate steve, but often people simply don’t understand them. as @paris-geller-was-straightwashed puts it, ‘y’all will soften the males of this show all the way down until they literally don’t have any sharp edges anymore.’ the male characters become perfect, can do no wrong, while the women are criticised for their every mistake (see the treatment of nancy post s2).

it’s a cycle. the show began it, when they tried to promote steve the best way they knew how - by shaping him into a prototype of jonathan, except without any flaws and much, much richer - and the fandom picked it up and ran with it. this led to fanservice, with the scoops ahoy teaser and the stranger things twitter (don’t think i’ve forgiven the mothers’ day tweet). with any luck the fandom will wise up a little or the creators will stop pandering to them, but we’ll have to see the outcome of s3. regardless, it’s time to stop calling steve a mom. if anything, he’s a big brother to dustin - yet another role that was somewhat snatched from jonathan (see the scene at the end of s1 when jonathan comes down to mike’s basement at the end of the d&d game - he’s a big brother figure to all the boys). people call steve a mom because he gave dustin advice - horrible, sexist advice (‘treat ‘em like you don’t care’) - and put a tea towel on his shoulder. that’s it.

so maybe appreciate steve as his own character, a babysitter at most, because you’re doing him a disservice by woobifying him and calling him a ‘mom’. appreciate joyce, who is an actual mom, and maybe start lobbying the duffers for more development for their female characters rather than for more sexist memes.

TLDR; joyce is defined by being a mother and yet she gets no recognition for it, while steve is not a mother, has multiple plotlines and facets beyond that meme, and yet is lauded as the best mom of all.

#steve harrington #joyce byers #jonathan byers #st meta #stranger things meta #st3 #asks #sorry this is so long lmao #it's been swirling in my mind for a while and i needed to do this issue justice

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alifeleadsimply · 4 years

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Are you raising your kids to be kind?

I believe that if you can choose to be anything in life, then choose to be kind. Kindness is a sort of superpower, something that makes you invincible because nobody expects it, nobody knows how to handle it and nobody really knows how to retaliate. So “killing” someone with kindness has always been my go-to management strategy for almost any situation I find myself in.

Saying that I hope my kids grow up to be kind is an understatement

It is my heart’s desire that I will raise kids who are so kind that the world will never be able to pull them down. And I think so far I am succeeding.

For our last holiday, we went away to the Bushveld. My youngest obviously has sweet blood because the mosquitos just could get enough of her. After 2 nights of unsuccessfully using the natural, non-toxic mosquito repellent, I decided it was time to switch to the big guns. I rubbed her whole body with Peaceful Sleep, putting it on thickly.

Of course, being a child, she was curious as to why she was not allowed to scratch herself and then lick her fingers. When I said it is because it is poison to kill the mosquitos, and therefore bad for her, she started crying. The poor mosquitos were not allowed to be killed! They have caused her nights of scratching and crying and sitting up in misery, yet still I was not allowed to hurt them.

Same trip, different child – first-born has a habit of collecting insects. She believes no insect is beyond saving and will take care of them until they either rot or magically come back to life. She will show off these treasures to anyone who even remotely looks as if they are interested in her babbling on about wings and feet and antennae. If you just look in her general direction she will take that as an invitation to entertain you.

rpt

Both my kids understand that although things might be different, they still deserve to be cared for

And they take so much joy and pride in caring for things, whether that be an injured cricket or hugging a friend who is crying, they have a way to identify pain and weakness and try to put a bandage on it.

Isn’t kindness a weakness?

Of course not everyone will agree with me. Some will see this level of kindness as a weakness, something that can be exploited to their benefit, or just plain pathetic. I actually had this conversation with someone who used to be close to me – he was watching a series in which the main character just cannot say no, to anybody, so he ends up helping everybody. Most of the time to his own detriment, but never really causing his own unhappiness. This person described the main character as pathetic, and I wondered why? Shouldn’t we classify pathetic as something else?

We all deserve kindness

I listened to a conversation between Lady Gaga and Oprah, on Oprah’s Super Soul conversations podcast. They were talking about the Born this way movement and Oprah asked LG if she felt that people who have not yet admitted who they really are, and started living the life they were meant to, was living a fake life. LG replied no, they are not living a fake life. To them, it is reality, and they are in the process of taking small bites of kindness every day until they have enough kindness in them to make them brave enough to stand up, stand out, and be them. But until then there is nothing fake about them because that would be demeaning.

How beautiful to think that enough kindness can make you brave.

rpt

Self-love and self-care is actually a lesson in self-kindness

By raising kind kids you are also raising kids who value kindness towards themselves. Kids who realise that by having compassion and empathy for themselves they will grow much quicker, much further, than their counterparts who are forever berating and judging themselves. And that compassion and empathy will shine out towards others, giving them the super-power to connect deeply with others.

Kindness can make you healthier

A Harvard study found that when students where shown an act of kindness (Mother Teresa caring for poor people in Calcutta) the researchers found increased levels of serotonin in their saliva. Witnessing kindness also increases oxytocin, the hormone responsible for connection, lowers your blood pressure and increases your dopamine levels. In short, seeing someone else being kind enhances your mood and increases your motivation.

Someone very aptly said:

”From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.”

They will be those kids who have meaningful friendships and rich lives

Isn’t that what we want for our kids? To live meaningful and satisfying lives? Then we need to raise our kids to be kind. It is important to remember that children are not born simply good or bad. It is our job as parents to help them become caring, respectful, and responsible members in their communities, and this must be done at every stage of their childhood.

How do you raise your kids to be kind?

Raising Kind Kids

by Dr. Robin Berman

You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear, It’s got to be drummed in your dear little ear… You’ve got to be carefully taught. You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late, before you are six or seven or eight, to hate all of the people your relatives hate. You’ve got to be carefully taught.

These words, written in 1949 by Rodgers and Hammerstein, are still vital and relevant in 2020.

To teach our kids the opposite you can use some, or all, of the following strategies:

Make caring for others a priority and identify kindness when you see it

Teach your kids to balance their needs with the needs of others, and to treat everybody with respect. Emphasise their concern for others over their achievements, praising them for doing something kind more than accomplishing full marks on a test. Ask your child how it makes them feel when you praise them, and how great it would be if they can make other people feel like that as well.

To teach them how to be kind, identify kindness when you see it. When you see people doing the right thing, such as being emphatic or considerate, then point it out to your kids. When your child engages in such behaviour, remember to specifically say why and how proud you are of them. Discuss kindness with them, focussing on what it is, what it looks like, and how you can show it to the world. Use everyday examples and ask your kids to finish made-up scenarios to give them protected practice.

Practice self-love and stop the negative talk

Teach your kids to love themselves by showing them that you love who you are. You can demonstrate to them that taking care of yourself and loving yourself, flaws and all, does not make you selfish. By focussing on your own happiness you increase your ability to make other people happy. They will more likely than not see this in action as a happy parent usually have happy kids. This of course means paying special attention to the way you talk to and about yourself. Any negative self-talk, even something as innocent as jokingly referring to yourself as silly for forgetting something, can start to build a wall of negative self-image. And when we feel bad about ourselves it is increasingly difficult to do good for others.

Adopt a pet – provide opportunities for your child to practice caring

Studies have shown that kids who has the responsibility to care for a pet have greater empathy. By giving your kids a pet you are providing them with opportunities to practice caring as well as gratitude. Children need to practice caring, somewhat similar to learning how to play an instrument or a sport. Daily repetition, such as helping to clear the table or remembering to feed a dog, make caring second nature and develops and hone a child’s caregiving muscle.

Talk about empathy and expand your child’s circle of concern

Help your child to identify when someone is being treated unfairly, whether that is something they witness at school, in the neighbourhood or on the news. Talk to them about what it might feel like, as well as what they think should be done. If there was an incident of bad behaviour, such as your child witnessing road rage, you losing your cool or even them throwing a temper tantrum, discuss what triggered the bad behaviour.

Children need to develop concern for people who live different lives than they do, so teach your kids to be friendly and respectful to everyone regardless of age, race, culture or gender. Empower them to feel comfortable caring for those who are vulnerable by creating a “caring and courage zone” – a space where it is ok to comfort those who have been hurt, such as a classmate who was teased. And although you don’t want your child to grow up with a skewed picture of the world, that it is all negative and hardship, you also don’t want them to grow up blind to other’s challenges. So share stories of children suffering as well as how they are being helped. This will teach your kids compassion as well as strengthen their own feelings of gratitude.

Actively listen and give them periods of undivided attention

Set-up times to check in with your child, during which time they will have your undivided attention. Practice rephrasing what your child says as a way of showing them that you are listening. You can also verbalise the feelings that you think they are feeling.

It is important to remember that your child doesn’t always need you to provide a solution to their problems. It is a great skill to teach them that by talking a situation through they are able to come up with the answers themselves. You can coach them during this conversation to ensure the solution is the kindest one possible.

Broaden their world

Teach your kids to know that the world is made up of different people, and that they look different, speak different and believe differently. Different is not necessarily bad, and they must be able to respect these differences. If they do find themselves in a situation where their differences are pitted against another, they must be able to confidently defend or explain themselves without causing pain or divide. Being kind means being aware of differences, but not allowing them to dictate your feelings towards a person or an event.

Own your mistakes

When you make a mistake, whether you realise it yourself or it is pointed out to you by someone else, you need to acknowledge that you were wrong. Accept that you might have caused pain and disappointment and sincerely apologise. That does not mean you do not have the right to discipline your kids. Kindness means respecting boundaries, and by creating boundaries you are also giving your kids the security to feel safe enough to make their own mistakes.

Give them real responsibilities

At the heart of kindness lies a spirit of helpfulness. Stop yourself from raising entitled, ungrateful kids by ensuring that in your family, you don’t do all the giving and they all the taking. Raise kids who feel responsible for their own possessions, as well as respect for other people’s. Give them chores that they are not paid to do – they do them because they are contributing to the comfort and state of the house and family that they live in. This will help them to develop a greater concern for others.

Teach them to identify, acknowledge and handle their own emotions

We need to teach our kids that there is no such thing as a good or bad feeling, rather that some ways of expressing or dealing with these feelings are not helpful or constructive. Children need your help to learn how to identify and then cope with these feelings in productive and non-destructive ways. Teach them how to calm down, how to calmly voice their anger, and how to be sad without being dramatic. Validate their feelings with simple phrases, but don’t support them in wallowing. Responding with compassion and understanding will help your child learn to recognise and value their own emotions, as well as others’ emotions.

Be a good example

Children practice what we do, even if we want them to practice what we preach. They learn their ethical and moral values by watching the actions of the adults they respect and love. Being a good example means that we need to demonstrate honesty, fairness, and caring. Of course that doesn’t mean we have to be perfect all the time; it does mean that we have to say sorry when we overstep or handle ourselves badly. Show your kids compassion by being gentle with them as well as others when they make a mistake. Practice forgiveness.

Through interacting with your child warmly and sincerely you are allowing her to realise that she is a person who deserves to be loved and cared for, because she has a role model who shows her how to care about other people. You raise a child who feels confident about who she is and who feels comfortable in showing kindness towards others. All because of the loving relationship they have with you.

As Stephen Sondheim wisely warns:

Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the tale you tell, that is the spell, What do you leave to your kids when you’re dead? Only whatever you put in their head.

Use the language of kindness and insist on kindness in family interactions

Insist on kindness and respect in all family interactions, even the less-pleasant ones. Correct unkind and disrespectful behaviour immediately by kindly asking for a “re-do”. This will help convey that kindness is an important family value and is always expected, and reinforce the rule at all times.

Teach them generosity

Demonstrate how to give back by volunteering, getting involved in community projects, or donating gentle-loved items to those needing them. There are valuable lessons to be learned from these actions such as seeing the bigger picture. This will also help to give them a sense of responsibility and reinforce good values. To develop a service routine by teaching them to serve others by volunteering, donating, giving their time and practising random acts of kindness.

Teaching your kids to be kind becomes second nature if you yourself is kind. And we owe it to ourselves as well as the world to be kind. So start practicing today.

Want to read more? Here are some of the best books on raising kind kids

UnSelfie

Educational psychologist Michele Borba tackles what she calls a growing “empathy crisis” with her book “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.” The book features actionable steps for raising emotionally intelligent, compassionate children

How to Raise Kind Kids

“How to Raise Kind Kids: And Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain” is developmental psychologist Thomas Lickona’s answer to the increasing divisions, bitterness and vitriol in today’s world.

The Happy Kid Handbook

In “The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World,” licensed clinical social worker Katie Hurley shares strategies for raising empathetic, happy and resilient children.

The Whole-Brain Child

Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel and psychotherapist Tina Payne Bryson wrote “The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” to guide parents in raising kids with compassion and helping them cultivate emotional intelligence, resilience and more.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

In “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” educators and communication experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish teach parents how to respond to their children’s feelings and help them cultivate emotional intelligence and communication skills.

The Kindness Advantage

“The Kindness Advantage: Cultivating Compassionate and Connected Children” by clinical psychologist Dale Atkins and social worker Amanda Salzhauer shows how kindness not only makes the world a better place but also benefits those who practice it.

The Parents We Mean To Be

In “The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development,” child and family psychologist Richard Weissbourd offers an alternative approach to raising happy, emotionally intelligent and fulfilled kids.

Teaching Kids to Be Good People

Educator Annie Fox “Teaching Kids to Be Good People: Progressive Parenting for the 21st Century” features lessons about raising children who do good in the world.

Simple Acts

Natalie Silverstein’s “Simple Acts: The Busy Family’s Guide to Giving Back” offers practical advice for bringing up children who want to help others.

The Everything Parent’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Children

“The Everything Parent’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Children: How To Raise Children Who Are Caring, Resilient, And Emotionally Strong” includes lessons for teaching kids to empathize with others.

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graciouslittlethings · 7 years

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The Story of a Girl with a Very Common Name

I have never really liked my name. To say that I hated it would be an overstatement, but I certainly wished that my parents had given me a different name.

Here’s what having a name like Grace feels like:

1. Call out, "Grace!!!" in a crowd and you'd get at least three responses. (Or more.)

2. Take a drive downtown and you would definitely see "Grace Florist" or "Grace Fashion" or "Grace Cake House".

3. Be prepared to hear (for the hundredth time), “jokes” which go, “Hey, are you the owner of Grace Bridal? Wow, it’s a huge shop, you’re a big boss!”

4. Fall down and steel yourself for...“Oh dear, I thought you were supposed to be grace-ful.”

5. In times of disgrace (pun unintended, do you see my point now?!), it seemed that having such a name was just too much responsibility. One just couldn’t be full of grace and sweetness all the time!

Anyway, it was just a phase of my life and as time went by, it ceased to bother me as much. Having a common name definitely wasn't a major issue that led to self-esteem problems, but it certainly was an irritation at times.

Why did my parents choose to name me ‘Grace’?

For some reason, I never asked them this question, maybe because, you know, Asian family. Haha. We don't talk about such things. There are other more pressing matters to discuss like, “What grades did you achieve in college?” and “When are you getting promoted?” (roll eyes)

Anyway, like I said, this matter wasn’t crucial to me. It was a mild annoyance but it didn’t bother me enough to want to query my parents. Besides, I’d come to assume that since we were Christians, it was normal that my parents would give me a name which had some Christian connotation to it. Even if you're not a Christian, you'd probably have heard phrases like "the grace of God" or "receiving God's grace". Also, there are probably thousands of churches named "Grace Church" (sigh), so even if you don't really understand what the word means, you'd know that it holds some sort of meaning to Christians.

Over the years, I’d become quite desensitised to it because, you know, when you hear your name thrown about in church on a weekly basis, you don’t think very much of it. As is always the case, life tends to rumble along rather uneventfully until something happens, which makes you change your perspective or become more aware.

Some people call it “a wakeup call” or “an eye-opener”.

For me, it was when I became a mother.

Most of you know my story. I gave up my corporate career in order to be the primary caregiver to my kids. There is nothing unusual about this story. It’s also the story of many mothers out there and it could even be your story too.

Then, things started to get interesting. I decided to start up a small business and that changed the course of my life substantially. It was as if I’d been driving on a smooth and predictable highway then suddenly, decided to make an exit and use less straightforward roads, perhaps even difficult-to-drive-on roads.

Starting a business is incredibly interesting. For starters, you lose that sense of security which comes from having a monthly salary deposited into your bank account. Also, there is no more defined career path for you to work towards – you pretty much forge your own way. Then, there is the part where every decision, no matter how tiny, can have a huge impact on the business continuity and it is unnerving. I’ve come to greatly respect entrepreneurs and business owners because I can now better understand now the challenges they went through and the tenacity required in order to succeed.

But, that wasn’t my biggest realisation.

Instead, I have realised that I can work very hard and diligently, but it would be rather conceited to think that whatever achievements I’ve had in life – financial, personal, or career-wise – is solely a result of my own efforts or intellect. Undeniably, effort and attitude play a huge part but there is always that other party whom we owe our success to.

It has been 2 years since I left my somewhat cushy corporate job and I wouldn’t be here today if it were not for these people who have crossed my path. Nobody owes me anything and every act of goodness towards me is an act of kindness and generosity.

Was it because I am 100% deserving of their help?

I can assure you not. I have many failing and weaknesses, but the benevolence of these people who are willing to overlook those weaknesses and lend a helping hand, is a clear sign of something bigger at work.

It is a sign of grace.

And so I now see so clearly how I have been blessed with so much grace in this humble life of mine.

I see it in the eyes of people who barely know me, yet try to help me to get to the next step. I feel it when someone shows their sincere support in my endeavours. I sense it when people try to tell me what they think I should do to be better, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

From disliking my name, I have come a long way to seeing its beauty of this word and I am incredibly grateful and thankful for it. Grace is generosity, compassion, kindness, mercy, forgiveness and so many other beautiful things rolled into one.

At last, I am beginning to comprehend the meaning of my name.

As an ex-expatriate and management consultant in an international firm, Grace was a career-minded woman on a fast-track path in the corporate world. The birth of her first child changed her perspectives in entirety, and she made the life-changing decision of becoming a stay-at-home mum. In addition to being one of Malaysia’s top digital influencers on Nuffnang’s Bloggerati list, she is a Dr. Sears Certified Health Coach and also runs children-related businesses (links available below).

- Facebook: facebook.com/graciouslittlethings

- Instagram / Dayre: @graciouslittlethings

- Blogger Engagements: [email protected]

- Shop Little Baby Grains: www.littlebabygrains.com

- Shop Petite Troopers: www.petitetroopers.com

#personal #notes #life

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celebritylive · 4 years

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Commencement ceremonies across the country have been canceled due to COVID-19, but the commitment, determination and spirits of the Class of 2020 remain high.

To recognize the more than 3 million graduating seniors nationwide — and to give them a first-of-its-kind celebration they’ll never forget — XQ Institute, The LeBron James Family Foundation and The Entertainment Industry Foundation have announced an upcoming special called Graduate Together: America Honors the High School Class of 2020.

The one-hour primetime event will air simultaneously across ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC on May 16, and will also be available to stream on TikTok, Facebook, YouTube, Complex Networks, PEOPLE and other online platforms.

“We learned early on in our work with students and families in Akron that education is so much more than academics,” LeBron James, who will address graduates during the broadcast, said in a statement. “It’s about a shared experience, a journey we’re all on together — students, parents, educators, community members, and everyone around them.”

“With that not being possible right now, we’ve been working to find ways to help families get through this really difficult time,” James, 35, added. “These students have worked incredibly hard for this, and there’s no way we can let that go unrecognized.”

RELATED: Oprah Winfrey and Miley Cyrus Will Help Class of 2020 Celebrate on Facebook’s #Graduation2020

Produced by Done + Dusted and SpringHill Entertainment, Graduate Together will be curated by high school students and educators across the country with the support of the American Federation of Teachers.

In addition to the NBA star, the commercial-free broadcast will feature a collection of commencement addresses and celebrity performances by Malala Yousafzai, the Jonas Brothers, Yara Shahidi, H.E.R., Bad Bunny, Lena Waithe, Pharrell Williams, Megan Rapinoe, Ben Platt and others.

“Our country’s teachers and support personnel have been on the front lines keeping students engaged, comforted, and supported during this time of incredible upheaval. Educators want their kids to be okay,” Randi Weingarten, the President of the American Federation of Teachers, said in a statement. “And even if we are physically apart, we are eager to celebrate our students’ accomplishments alongside parents, family members, and caregivers as we try to bring this school year to a meaningful close.”

“We are grateful to all our teachers and school staff and proud to join in this effort to bring together education professionals from across the country and honor graduates as they embark on their next journey,” Weingarten continued.

RELATED VIDEO: Teachers Hold Parade to Cheer Up Students Amid Coronavirus Pandemic

The program is also planning to feature profiles of students and educators who have made a difference in their schools and communities.

To help tell these inspirational stories, the show’s producers are inviting graduates, teachers, and parents to share their achievements, real-world advice, and heartfelt thanks for a chance to be featured on the broadcast and in an upcoming issue of PEOPLE.

Those interested in nominating an outstanding senior or educator worthy of recognition — or yourself! — can visit GraduateTogether2020.com. Up to five featured graduates will be eligible to receive a $5,000 award. Entries must be received by Friday, May 8 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

“While this won’t be the graduation experience were supposed to get, we hope we can still give them something special,” James said. “Because they deserve it.”

Graduate Together is set to air on Saturday, May 16 at 8 p.m. ET on ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC.

For more information on Graduate Together: America Honors the High School Class of 2020, visit graduatetogether2020.com, and check out the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands now.

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todaynewsstories · 6 years

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Commentary: ‘Super mums’ have one simple request. Don’t hinder them from returning to work

SINGAPORE: Mother, Member of Parliament, and partner at a legal firm.

Rahayu Mahzam’s juggling of work and motherhood has been an uplifting tale for readers this week.

Her return to her MP duties one month after giving birth to her son Ayden has earned her the moniker of “super mum” among inspired readers.

She credits the help she gets from loved ones.

But the unfortunate reality for many new mothers is that re-entry into the workforce is neither easy nor seamless, especially for those without extended family support.

WHY SO HARD TO RETURN TO WORK?

Some say mums opt out because they find work less appealing after experiencing the joys of full-time motherhood.

But many mothers say it’s because their bosses see them in a different light – as being less committed and more saddled with family distractions. Such attitudes lead them to feel less valued by their organisations.

There may not be wrongful dismissal or overt discrimination against pregnancy or motherhood that provide grounds for action to be taken against employers.

But small things can add up, like when mothers say they cannot can’t stand the looks from supervisors when they have to take urgent leave because of unforeseen child emergencies, an experience some dads say they share.

MP Rahayu Mahzam with her son, Ayden, in a photo taken in June 2018. (Photo courtesy of Rahayu Mahzam)

These frustrating but familiar dilemmas can be easily resolved if mums negotiate for themselves, some say. Do new mothers know what they need to balance career duties and the new demands of motherhood? Are they upfront with their bosses about their expectations?

Yet we cannot ignore the reality that mothers bear most of the caregiving burden for young children and feel powerless to insist that their company accommodates them at every stage of their kids’ development.

Societal norms may be part of the issue. Through the school years, just think about who schools are more inclined to call first when a child falls sick or gets into trouble – mum or dad?

NOT WORKING HARMS WOMEN TOO

Mothers who drop out, even for a little bit, suffer adverse effects in terms of income and career progression. This is worrying when national trends show the workforce participation rate in Singapore for women dips after age 25.

Much as the situation has improved, the Government recognises this challenge and the impact it has on women.

Manpower Minister Josephine Teo highlighted in Parliament in March that fewer women achieve retirement adequacy in terms of being able to meet their CPF Basic Retirement Sum compared to men, when more stop working because of reasons like childcare.

“Women are more likely to exit the workforce, or have intermittent patterns of work, for reasons, such as childcare and sometimes caring for the elderly,” said Josephine Teo speaking in Parliament in March as then Second Minister for Manpower.

The best way to tackle these issues is to enable women to remain in the workforce and continue to advance in their careers, she concluded.

READ: Address our bias in the pursuit of gender equality, a commentary

READ: For women of different cultures, classes, backgrounds and age – it’s still a man’s world, a commentary

STRONGER CHILDCARE SUPPORT IS CRITICAL

Strengthening childcare support can give working mothers the peace of mind her kids are in good hands and a better chance of holding down a job.

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s announcement to increase pre-school places by 40,000 over the next five years at last year’s National Day Rally is a step in this direction to broaden access to affordable and quality childcare, and has received strong public support.

Many agree childcare is one area that deserves more attention for some groups of mothers.

Enhancing childcare options by licensing child minders and providing night childcare services, were a few of the recommendations made by local advocacy group AWARE this week, to help new mothers from lower-income households who may have to work shifts get back to work.

In the case of mothers who managed to secure places in childcare centres, they were also unable to get care support when the childcare centre closed for functions, or when the child was not well, AWARE’s report says. (Photo: Chan Luo Er)

READJUSTING TO WORK NOT EASY

While childcare is critical, it is not sufficient in helping mums adjust to work after some time away.

Mothers themselves recognise this and are doing something about it. Since last year, a new programme by local group Mums@Work helps match companies to PMET mothers who took a career break. It also helps mothers get used to a working environment again.

But are companies buying it? Only half of surveyed companies in Singapore say they’ve hired a woman who wants to rejoin the workforce, according to a 2017 study by recruitment agency Robert Walters.

Perhaps the best approach is to ensure mums don’t leave in the first place, like what Mrs Teo said.

COMPANIES MUST BE MORE FAMILY FRIENDLY

Companies have the power to make their workplaces more family friendly and aid mothers in this regard.

After all, they have a vested interest in retaining this talent pool, since mothers who drop out are likely to be as qualified and competent as their male counterparts.

The key may be not to single out mothers by giving them some sort of special dispensation but improve work-life integration as a whole.

Some know this and give all staff time off or allow them to start later. Local precision engineering firm Feinmetall does this, despite being a small company with 50 or so employees.

Josephine Teo with Feinmetall staff members. (Photo: Janice Lim)

Surely larger enterprises can adopt more aggressive flexible work arrangements, including telecommuting and giving their staff the option of working part-time.

You might not expect those in a fast-paced sector like banking to afford these kinds of practices, but OCBC has seen at least one vice-president take the plunge into part-time work for more than a year to spend time with her children, according to news reports.

This would certainly require firms to have sufficient backup coverage, so that co-workers having to pick up the tempo to compensate doesn’t become the norm and lead to resentment.

I also wonder whether organisations will be brave enough to abandon the time clock altogether and switch to a results-only system, where performance is measured against whether timelines are met and objectives achieved.

This may be near-impossible for those in operational roles.

But for others, it’s worth noting that research shows organisations with strong work-life practices enjoy higher productivity, stronger employee engagement and satisfaction, and higher rates of retention.

WE NEED A DIFFERENT CULTURE

Perhaps mindsets are at the core of this issue. Do we over-value presentism and face time?

Do colleagues cast judgment if someone needs to take off because of a child emergency, regardless of whether the child is a toddler or a teenager?

Do bosses trust employees to fulfill their responsibilities? And do they have their employees’ welfare at heart, or do they expect them to shed their personal identities, emotions and responsibilities when they get to work?

Instead of a fixation about what is lost when companies give employees more flexibility, can we focus on what is gained?

The most equal and happy societies have companies with admittedly ambitious pro-family practices, but it’s worth looking at them to think out of the box.

Swedish company IKEA’s move to offer fathers, including those working in Singapore, month-long paternity leave is one refreshing example of how family-friendly organisations help mums – by giving dads the space to do more at home and be equal partners in the endeavour of raising kids.

READ: IKEA’s month-long paternity leave a shining example to be followed, a commentary

New fathers working in IKEA’s stores and offices across Southeast Asia get four weeks of paternity leave since Jan 1. (Photo: AFP/ANP/Robin van Lonkhuijsen)

MORE THAN A VILLAGE TO HELP MUMS RETURN TO WORK

It takes a village to raise a child, but it will take more to help a mother get back to work.

There is a happy ending to Mdm Rahayu’s tale of returning to work. Things are less hectic now as Ayden’s schedule has settled into some sort of regularity, she says.

As deputy chairperson for the Government Parliament Committee for Social and Family Development, I have no doubt Mdm Rahayu will do her best to facilitate more of such positive stories of working mothers returning to pick up where they left off.

Meanwhile, there is much to be done to help other “super mums” get there, and we should all be part of this tale.

Lin Suling is executive editor at Channel NewsAsia Digital News where she oversees the Commentary section.

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