#kaden russell x f!reader

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past / Present / Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one Rating: nsfw

.

Chapter 9

.

“In love there are two things; bodies and words.” ― Joyce Carol Oates, Beautiful Days: Stories

.

You wake up in a strange room, in a strange bed. The dull winter sun has found a crack in the blinds and it tints Kaden’s face in a soft light. He is mere inches away from you. Only a small leap of faith and you could kiss him awake. But the moment is over before you have the chance to seize it because he opens his eyes.

Kaden takes in your presence, smiles and mumbles a drowsy “Morning, Honey Bee.”

“Good morning.”

It’s hard not to stare. His face is so familiar; the curve of his nose, the angle of his jaw bones – you know them by heart – and yet all of this is new. The taste of his lips still lingers vividly in your mind and so does the touch of his hands.

There’s a moment of prolonged silence before he finally asks, “What’s on your mind, Bee?”

“Kissing you,” you reply truthfully.

“Oh? And what’s stopping you?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

That being said, you close the distance between the two of you and press your lips against his.

Kaden leans in without hesitation, drawn to the warmth of your body and the fervor of your mouth.

The softest moan escapes him as he deepens the kiss. Breathed into you, it tugs on your heartstrings, causes a yearning pain so exquisite; you can feel the excitement bubble up from within your chest.

You scoot closer and he draws you into his arms for more.

“Anouk…”

Kaden’s breath is hot in your ear. His lips travel along your cheek, down your throat and to the crevice of your neck where he grazes his teeth over your skin.

“Hmmm.”

You grab the hem of his shirt and tug on it, urging him to take it off.

“Are – you sure about this?” Kaden asks in-between kisses.

You nod. “Yeah. I am”

“Okay then.”

He moves away to sit up in bed and quickly pulls the shirt over his head.

You run your hands over his chest, carefully brush over each little freckle and beauty mark, reading the map of his body with your fingertips.

When you look up at his face again, you realize he’s just as mesmerized by the whole experience as you are.

Another leap of faith? Certainly.

You undress as well.

The disappointment you feared to see in Kaden last night is still nowhere to be found. He’s admiring you, lips parted in awe, then he reaches out for your hand to pull you into his lap.

You straddle his legs eagerly and he whispers into your ear, “You’re gorgeous, Anouk.”

It’s still a little embarrassing to hear such praises but you’re not afraid anymore.

With his face cupped in your hands, you draw him into another kiss, long and deep. This is your reply: your tongue meeting his, accompanied by a needy little noise.

Your chest is pressed firmly against him, bare skin on skin, as Kaden grinds up against you.

“I want you,” you hear yourself say.

And he wants you, too. You can feel it, sitting in his lap as you are.

Again, the question. A raspy, breathed, “Are you sure, Anouk?”

“Please.” You card your fingers through his hair, gently drag your nails over his shoulder blades. “I’m sure about you.”

Maybe it’s only the light of the morning sun but there’s a gleam in Kaden’s eyes that you haven’t seen since he won his first World Cup event.

“Anouk,” he leans close, “it has always been you.”

He nips on your throat once more and his breath tickles your skin. You can’t help but laugh.

“You think this is funny, hm?” Kaden chuckles. He playfully pushes you back into the cushions. “You think I’m joking?”

“No, no I don’t.” You smile at him. “Your lips tickle! Your stubble, too.”

“Whatever shall we do about that?” The mischief is palpable in his grin.

“Not a damn thing.”

“Yeah, I guess some things just can’t be helped.”

Kaden swoops down on you to nuzzle your neck. He only nibbles at first but eventually a love bite begins to bloom and he moves on.

“Kaden…”

“No time to talk Bee,” he replies. His voice is muffled against you as he applies himself to his new favorite task with fresh fervor.

You release a little whine when he moves down across your chest where his lips finally reach your breast. Meanwhile, his inquisitive fingers find a damp spot in your panties and rub your mound through the black cotton as he sucks a pert nipple into his mouth.

You moan loudly in surprise and immediately he sucks harder.

The mixture of pleasure and pain is maddening. Your hands come up, you need to hold on to something so you dig your fingers into his back.

Kaden releases your nipple to turn to the other breast. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he pants.

And wet. You’re so wet for him. Your panties are soaked and the touch of his hand through the fabric isn’t enough. Not nearly enough to satisfy the heat building up.

“I – I need more. Please…”

You can’t believe you’re saying this. You haven’t felt this kind of desire, this desperate urge to be with someone in so many years.

Kaden draws a circle around your left nipple with the tip of his tongue.

“Your wish is my command Queen Bee.”

His fingers hook under the waistband of your panties. To help him peel them off, you lift your ass off the bed.

For a moment he simply looks down at you and contemplates what to do next. You close your eyes under his hungry gaze.

Kaden’s hands gently part your legs. An avalanche of kisses along the insides of your thigh follows suit.

As you giggle and writhe under him, he intensifies his hold on you.

“You really need to stop squirming, Bee,” he mock-chides, “if you want more.”

“Then stop tickling me so damn much,” you laugh in reply.

“Mhm. Okay. Let’s try something else then.”

Shit, SHIT. Your eyes flutter open.

The kisses have stopped. Instead, Kaden drags his tongue along your pussy and darts the tip between your folds.

You grip the sheets with your hands. Long-drawn groans topple over your lips while he goes on to explore and taste your wetness.

Eventually, he settles on your clit, sucking it in his mouth.

“Kaaaden… Like that. Please…”

He grunts happily, satisfied he’s found what turns you on and keeps doing just that for the next few minutes.

It’s too much. It’s not enough. You’re going to come soon but you don’t want to. Not yet. Not. Yet.

“Fuck me,” you beg. “I need it. Need you right fucking now.”

His head comes up briefly and there is that cheeky grin again. “What was that?”

“You heard me. Don’t – ” Kaden’s tongue flicks over your swollen clit. “Aah… Don’t pretend you aren’t desperate for it as well.”

He hums under his breath. You’re right of course. He is desperate for you. His cock is rock hard, straining against its confines. There’s nothing more he wants than to be inside you.

Kaden shifts away but only to take off his boxer briefs.

Then he’s on top of you, presses his body against yours, kisses your lips hungrily. “I want you bad Anouk. Only you. Please, say it again,” he whispers.

“Fuck me, Kaden,” you breathe. “I need you.”

To make your point, you reach out and wrap your fingers around his cock. It’s an admirable girth, thick and swollen for you. Oh, it will feel divine, you know it.

Kaden groans. There’s no stopping. You help guide him between your folds and he slips right into your pussy.

Fuck. He’s so big and hits every bundle of nerves perfectly as he pushes deeper inside you.

Mewling softly, you wrap your legs around him until he fills you up completely.

Kaden starts to move, sets a slow and deliberate pace. His mouth finds yours again and he pushes his tongue past your lips.

The man is going to consume you whole. You want him to. You want to feel his weight on you, his dick inside you.

Heat builds up quickly in your stomach. With your clit worked up from before and his strokes becoming faster and more desperate, your climax is approaching fast.

You dig your fingernails into his back hard. “Kaden…you’re gonna make me come….”

He grunts and reaches between the two of you, fingers circling your sweet spot. “Want you to come on my cock,” he moans. “Need to feel you.”

Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t stop the cascade anymore. A bit more pressure from his fingers, another hard stroke of his cock inside your pussy and you know it’s coming. It’s too much.

Your muscles clench around him hard as you climax.

Kaden didn’t think anything could be this amazing. He didn’t think it would push him over the edge like this to feel your orgasm.

For a split second he struggles but your legs keep him in place as you ride out your own high.

“Don’t,” you pant. “Don’t pull out.”

It’s to late anyways. Kaden can’t hold back any longer either. He desperately groans your name when his cock twitches inside you, filling you up with hot cum.

“Bee,” he whispers. “Anouk…”

You keep your arms and legs locked around Kaden, seek out his mouth for lazy kisses which he happily returns. Both of you are heaving – sweaty and flushed from the exertion. His cum is warm inside and you want to keep his cock in your pussy like this forever. You want him to be yours. Yours alone.

“Are you okay?” Kaden asks after a while. He smiles down at you and brushes a strand of hair from your forehead.

“Mhmmm.”

“Need to get up?”

“Not yet,” you whisper.

“Okay.”

Kaden covers your neck in little kisses. He takes a deep breath to inhale your scent. You smell of sex, and he loves it. Loves you. The words are on his lips but he swallows them down for now. He wraps his arms around you and turns on his back, taking you with him until you’re on top of him.

You feel his limp cock slip out of you and make a dissatisfied little noise.

“Not done yet?” he quips.

“It just felt so nice,” you mutter against his chest. “You don’t have to worry, you know. I’m on contraceptives…” you add.

He nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask before. It’s just, I usually don’t… and I didn’t expect us to… I didn’t think you’d want to. I mean – I hoped. Fuck...”

Kaden gives you an apologetic look and scratches his head.

You laugh softly. “I didn’t know I wanted to until it happened. I didn’t know how much I needed you. Us. How much I needed us.” You draw little circles on his chest with your fingertips.

“Is this a thing – you and me? Can it be?” His voice trembles. You’ve rarely heard this kind of vulnerability in it before. It seems that for a split-second you stripped him of the usual overbearing display of confidence once more.

You look up, meet Kaden’s gaze. It pleads with you – but it also demands an answer.

“Yes.”

There it is, that sweet grin. His hands come up to caress your face and he tugs you into a kiss that pulls you in and under. It’s a different kind of hunger than before. If anything, even needier, more intense.

Eventually, you come up gasping for air. “You have it that bad?” you whisper in awe.

“Always,” Kaden replies. He smiles. “Always that bad, Bee. There always was, there’ll always be a part of me that belongs to you alone.”

You practically throw yourself at him then. “Same.”

.

.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——

Taglist: @chellestrash @yespolkadotkitty @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook @songsformonkeys @infatuatedjanes @chicken-nugget-puta @phoenixhalliwell @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @justafleshwoundbaby @rosiefridayrogersunday

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You can also read this fic on AO3.

#kaden russell #two/one #boyd holbrook #kaden #two one #kaden russell x f!reader #kaden russell x you #kaden x reader oc #past present future #my writing

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Rules: Write the latest line from your WIP and tag as many people as there are words in the line.

tagged by @acourtofsnakes Thank you! ❤

Kaden's lips curl into a smile.

“Pshhhh. So, we’re both sorry, eh? With no actual reason to be. You’re not ruining anything. Told you, I want to get to know you again, bee. I meant it when I said that.”

“Okay then. We’re a pair of class-a dummies. We can agree on that, I suppose,” you mumble sheepishly into his sweater and let your hand slide out of his to wrap your arms around him.

“Yep. We’re a perfect fit.” Kaden confirms.

His empty hand comes to rest on your hip now while he brushes a strand of hair out of your face with the other.

No pressure tagging: @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook @songsformonkeys @barnessupremacy @ladydorian @kesskirata @chickadee-djarin @honestly-shite

#my writing #games #past present future #kaden russell x f!reader

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Kaden & Anouk - Past

Past / Present / Future

Past / Present / Future - Masterlist

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #kaden russell x f!reader #two one #past present future #kaden visuals #by yours truly #anouk gilbert #oc

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future: Kaden is your boyfriend camera roll.

#boyd holbrook #past present future #kaden russell #two one #kaden visuals #kaden russell x f!reader #candids

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past / Present / Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one Rating: sfw

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Chapter 8

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“It’s out there. It’s out there. It’s out there. If you want me I’ll be here.” ― The Cranberries, Dreaming my Dreams

.

“Come on in before you freeze,” Kaden says as he ushers you into the hallway and helps you out of your parka.

“Sorry I kept you waiting at the door. I was searching for the damn take-out menu all over the place.”

You kick off your boots, laughing. “You know you can just look that up on your phone, right?”

“Yeah but have you seen my phone lately? It’s crap. Broken display.”

“We can use mine,” you offer and proceed to take off your scarf.

When you’ve properly stashed away your footwear and turn around, you find Kaden staring at you.

“What? Doesn’t sound good? I mean, you can just go on looking for the paper version.”

“Ah, no. It’s a great idea. It’s –” he hesitates for a second “– you look really nice tonight. Beautiful.”

The words immediately hit home and you find yourself nervously smoothing down your dark green cashmere sweater in order to avoid Kaden’s gaze.

“Thank you.”

Not that you would ever admit it to him but you had chosen the piece deliberately, matched it with your favorite black jeans and the simple silver necklace your mother had given you for Christmas three years ago. Her taste in jewelry has always been impeccable.

And now that Kaden paid you a compliment, it feels as if the elephant is back in the room. Is tonight a date? Or is it simply two old friends celebrating a successful qualifying event? Sure, Kaden said it wouldn’t be anything fancy but the fact remains that it is just the two of you, having dinner.

“Earth to Bee. You coming?”

“Hm? Oh, yes. Sorry. Lost in thought.”

You feel your cheeks grow hot and hope it doesn’t show.

“Already thinking about food?” Kaden asks as you follow him into the kitchen.

“Not really… I--- Well, where are we ordering anyways? Not Vito’s right? We already had that.”

You sit down at the kitchen table and Kaden folds into the chair beside you.

“Not Vito’s,” he confirms. “Tonight’s a happy night.”

“Is it, eh?” You elbow him in the side.

“Yep. So, do you still like Dim Sum the same unreasonable amount you did back in the day?”

There’s a twinkle in your eyes as you nod enthusiastically. “I sure do.”

“Great. Because my sister recommended a place to me. I’m still as clueless about good food as ever. Luckily, Sarah always sniffs out the best restaurants.”

“I take your word for it,” you say and rub your hands together in glee.

“It’s a Dim Sum place on Crescent. That should be enough info to find it online, even without the menu, right?”

Kaden offers you an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I thought I was well prepared for tonight.”

Prepared. The word sinks in slowly. He really did think this through, didn’t he? Inviting you to dinner. To get your favorite food. From a good restaurant, too. You wonder if he told his sister exactly why he needed the tip.

“We’ll find it,” you say eventually and whip out your phone. “Can’t be that many Dim Sum places on the same street.”

The first hit already seems promising.

“This it?” you ask and push the phone over the table towards Kaden.

He leans in close to take a look, nodding. “That’s it alright. I remember the logo printed on the leaflet.”

“Okay, great. I’ll see what’s on the menu.”

You catch a whiff of Kaden’s aftershave then, a warm smell of cedar wood and leather. It’s mixed with a faint citrus note that you think must be his shampoo.

“Everything okay?” he asks and fixes you with those baby blue eyes once more.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine. You smell good.”

His grin is so feisty you already regret you said this out loud.

“If I remember correctly, it was you saying I had to take a shower. So, if the smell distracts you, it’s not my fault.”

“Yes, yes. Well done – and I’m not distracted. More like pleasantly surprised.” You stick out your tongue at him.

Kaden chuckles. “Alright. Noted. Now. I think you have to order for the both of us because I don’t quite recall all of your favorites anymore.”

“Kaden Russell, don’t tell me you have forgotten about Nai Wong Bao!”

“Steamed buns with – what – custard filling? I could never forget those. Better get us a dozen or so because I remember you eating a whole lot of these once.”

“Oh God. Yes. At that place in Vancouver on my birthday. I felt so sick afterwards.” You cannot help but laugh at the memory.

Kaden nods solemnly. “Please no getting stomach sick today.”

“I’ll try to contain myself. How hungry are you?”

He looks down at his stomach. There’s a faint rumbling sound. “Very hungry.”

“Okay, okay. We get the Nai Wong Bao. Some steamed buns with black bean filling, too. Oh, and those dumplings with pork. Spring rolls. Classic…”

As you browse through the menu, ordering what you think is an ample amount of food to share for the both of you, everything else is momentarily forgotten. Your worries seem far away. When you look back at Kaden, his eyes have that spark in them he gets whenever he’s on a winning streak. He remains close to you, one arm resting on the back of your chair as he tries to follow the food selection process.

How much you’ve missed this sort of easygoing thing you always had between the two of you - the banter, the smiles. Everything simply falls into place when you’re with him.

“I think you need to make this order now,” Kaden finally says. “Otherwise I’ll have to eat Dim Sum for the next three days.”

“Fine ‘Mister I’m so very hungry.’ Although I think there are worse fates.”

You fill in the delivery details and press the ‘send ‘button. Your phone beeps happily in response.

“Confirmation email. So I guess now we wait.”

Kaden nods. “Care for a drink in the meantime?”

He doesn’t wait for a reply but makes his way to the counter where two glasses and a bottle of white wine are already waiting. With a loud plop he uncorks the wine.

“Sure. You’re not trying to get me drunk, though, are you?”

“Only a little,” he says, chuckling as he hands you a glass.

“To a successful qualifying?”

“Yep. And a successful competition,” Kaden confirms.

You chink glasses with him and try the wine. It’s dry but fruity, easy on your palate.

“Mhmmm.”

“Good?” he gives you an inquiring look.

“Yes, very. Sarah’s tip as well?”

“Yeah. Of course, it is.”

You take a few more sips in silence, enjoying the taste on your tongue before you let your eyes wander around the room. They come to rest on a pile of books carelessly stacked on a sideboard. Among them are part four and five of your crime novel series.

Wine glass still in hand, you walk over and inspect the volumes carefully. Your fingers lightly trace the creases in the spines. When you finally take one up, you find there’s a price tag still attached to the back of it.

"You actually bought these? I could have given you free copies," you say.

Kaden shrugs, eyeing you closely.

"I know. I actually wanted to buy my own."

"Why?"

He smiles at you and his voice drops a few notes.

"Maybe I just wanted a piece of you – in secret – all for myself."

Oh.

"You do already have that," you mumble but dare not meet his gaze.

Kaden hums softly under his breath. After a slight pause he resumes the conversation.

“Say, are you going to write more books in this series? I mean. What’s the plan here? Give a new fan a little hint, yes?”

You drink some more wine and ponder the question. The alcohol creates a pleasant warmth in your stomach; it makes you a bit bolder than usually.

“I’m working on another one at the moment. Something spooky with lots of blood. A castle, mysterious strangers. Something like that. Would you like to read it? It’s not quite finished yet but… I guess I can trust you with this?”

“Sure. Of course, I do! It’d be an honor. I won’t tell a soul! Promise!”

“Good because otherwise I’d have to kill you and write a murder mystery about that then.”

He rolls his eyes at you in an exaggerated manner. “Noted. Absolute secrecy required.”

“I wonder, Bee, may I ask you something personal? Still book-related – ” he hastens to reassure you.

“You can try.”

“Why did you never tell anyone? Not me, not anybody here? I—I understand why you didn’t use your old name. Why you published as Gilbert. I understand that you wanted to try something new for yourself by writing these. It’s just… your books sell really well and yet you never ever seem to talk about them. And that photo and the blurb about your life on the back of volume one? Even I could hardly recognize you. I’m just…” He raises his hands in an apologetic gesture. “… curious.”

“Because when I started writing, I didn’t want to be me anymore,” you blurt out.

Fuck, the wine is doing things to your brain. Either that or it’s Kaden. The way he asks questions. Maybe both.

“I wanted to be anybody but that person who was relieved somebody they had loved was dead and out of their life. Problem solved.”

“Yet you wrote about exactly that old life… Kind of. In a murder mystery twist.” Kaden says quietly.

He’s right. You did. Still do in a way.

“I thought – I felt… if I wrote it down, maybe it would be,” you hesitate, “separate from me? Like if I put it all on paper, the death, the pain, then it wouldn’t be in my head anymore but – severed – somewhere else.”

You look away, too ashamed to face him. With your eyes closed, you try to compose yourself.

His footsteps are light on the tiled kitchen floor when he walks over to where you stand. You know he’s there. The air is filled with a sort of static, and the sound of his breathing, the smell of his shampoo give him away.

“Hey, Bee. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to spoil the mood. I – didn’t mean to upset you. Dammit. I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.”

Kaden reaches out to take your hand in his. He squeezes it softly, pulls you a little closer still until your face comes to rest on his broad chest.

“It’s fine. And you are not stupid at all.” You eventually look up at him, dark eyes pleading. “Don’t say that. Please. You’re the only one who noticed, or cared to ask. You’re the only one I can tell these things. I’m sorry my shit is ruining your celebration.”

His lips curl into a smile.

“Pshhhh. So, we’re both sorry, eh? With no actual reason to be. You’re not ruining anything. I told you, I want to get to know you again, Bee. I meant it when I said that.”

“Okay then. Apparently, we’re a pair of class-a dummies. We can agree on that, I suppose,” you mumble sheepishly into his sweater and let your hand slide out of his to wrap your arms around him.

“Yep. We’re a perfect fit.” Kaden agrees.

His now empty hand comes to rest on your hip, while he brushes a strand of hair out of your face with the other.

You feel your heartbeat speed up at the touch.

And then the doorbell rings.

The grating sound startles you both and you draw away from each other a little embarrassed.

"Guess dinner is here,” Kaden says. “I'll – I’ll go get it. Would you set the table? Dishes and small bowls are over there.” He points to a cupboard. “Chopsticks are in the cutlery drawer.”

“Yeah sure. I can do that.”

. .

You’ve ordered way too much food. Once everything is spread out on the table, it’s blatantly obvious because every inch of its surface is covered in boxes, dishes and little sauce pots. Kaden doesn’t seem to mind, though. He eagerly follows your guidance and samples the various choices, asking questions, mostly agreeing with your favorites.

Halfway through the meal you realize how smart it was of him to do this here, order all these dishes – to let you enjoy them in a relaxed atmosphere in private. It’s so easy to talk to him now. You laugh a lot and make jokes together.

Eventually, the mountain of Dim Sum has been reduced considerably. The first bottle of wine is empty as well. You lean back in your chair and pat your stomach.

“I wonder if I can manage one more Nai Wong Bao…”

“Absolutely not, Bee. I said no making yourself sick,” Kaden admonishes you in a mock-serious voice.

“Okay, okay.” You chuckle lightly and place your arm on his shoulder. “Maybe I shouldn’t.”

“Wow, for once in your life you’ll actually listen to me!?”

“When have I ever not listened to you?”

“Oh, want a list?” Kaden grins.

You shake your head no. “Nah. Better not. We’ll sit here until tomorrow morning if you start counting. Let’s clear the table and get the leftovers covered up.”

While you take care of the food, Kaden fills the sink with hot water and soaks the dishes and bowls in it.

“I think you’ll have dinner for at least two more days,” you state matter-of-factly and close the fridge door.

“Not if you come over to help,” Kaden says.

“So you let me order all that stuff to lure me back. Smart.”

“Mhm. What can I say? That’s me. Very smart.” he shrugs but you can see he’s trying hard not to smile.

“I never said very.”

You walk over to him, still munching on a tiny piece of bao. A last little bite you treated yourself to before stowing everything away.

When Kaden turns around to look at you, he bursts out laughing.

“Bee! Did you eat more?”

“I only had one last taste!” you wail. “What of it? What’s so funny about it?”

“You got…” He laughs. “You…got…”

“I got what!?”

Kaden dries off his hands on a towel. “There’s custard all over your cheek.”

“Where? Dammit.” You frantically wipe your face, much to his amusement.

“Wrong side.” He dips his thumb in the foam still floating on the hot water in the sink and carefully wipes your cheek. “There.”

It’s too much. You break down, giggling, hiding your face against his shoulder.

“Sorry! I think it’s the wine. Or maybe it’s you.”

Ah, did you say that out loud?

“Me? Huh?”

“Yes, you Kaden.”

Finally, you lift your chin to look up at him.

His eyes are searching yours, flitting about - begging for a sign.

“Anouk…”

The way he whispers your name is enough to make even you realize what he wants so desperately but doesn’t dare take yet.

You reach up with one hand to cup Kaden’s face, caress gently over the stubble on his cheek with your thumb. And you hope, hope that this is enough for him to understand what you feel. What you’ve felt all this time but weren’t brave enough to examine more closely.

A short moment of hesitation is all that stands between the two of you before your noses brush and Kaden finally presses his lips to yours.

You open up for him easily enough; your tongues meet, probing, shy at first but more confident eventually.

He tastes of wine and food, warmth and comfort. His kiss feels like home. Isn’t that the cheesy metaphor people use? But it’s not that simple. This- this is a new home. And you’ve just walked over the threshold. It’s all of your past together and all of your present, too, merged, shining ahead.

You cling to Kaden’s tall frame, desperately seeking out his mouth for more. More of everything he has to offer. There’s a whole world to explore here and it begins in his arms.

He pulls you closer and slips one hand under your sweater. His bare palm on the small of your back is a revelation. The mere touch sends goosebumps down your arms and makes you tingle all over.

For a while then you are simply lost in each other, drunk on wine and kisses.

You’re on tiptoes, almost lifted off the floor with Kaden’s arms so tightly around you, when the panic hits out of the blue.

Icy fingers reach right into your chest, through flesh and bone alike, and wrap around your heart, your lungs – they squeeze, squeeze the air and the life right out of you. They bury their piercing claws into you so deeply that the pain almost becomes physical.

No, no, no. Not this. Not now.

You struggle against the avalanche of fear but to no avail.

Intrusive thoughts. Fight bulldozers with flyswatters.

Kaden already knows something is wrong. His hold on you slackens and he pulls away.

For a second you wonder if he can actually taste the goddamn cold on your lips.

“Hey Bee, you okay?”

Kaden’s voice is soft. The worry mixed in it is terribly obvious.

“Do you want me to stop? Should we stop?”

It’s not just your chest that’s constricted, your throat feels parched and closed up, too. All you can do is shake your head and scoot back into his arms.

The only noises you seem to be able to make are a few pitiable sobs and squeaks.

“Hey, hey, shhhhh….”

He cards his fingers gently through your hair as you press up against him.

“Too much? Too fast?”

You shake your head no. “It’s not that. It’s just… It’s… I–…” The words won’t come out.

“You can talk to me, Anouk. I promise I’ll listen. You can trust me.”

His lips touch your hair and he kisses your crown.

“I can’t go to Sapporo with you!” you burst out. “I can’t go there again. I can’t! My mom. I gotta stay with my mom! I need to be with her. I—I can never go back to that cursed place. Not even for you. I’m scared Kaden. I’m so fucking scared.”

There it is, out in the open. Fear. Cold, naked fear.

It’s one thing to see him fly here at home in Whistler, where you grew up. But that damned other place is a whole new level of panic. Just thinking about it makes you sick to your stomach. And the idea that you should leave your mom? It seems impossible. No way can you do that.

“Oh, Bee.” Kaden lifts your chin with one hand to look at you as he speaks. “I would never ask that of you. I promise that you do not have to go back there, not for me, nor for anyone. Of course, you will stay with your mom. Especially now.”

You nod feebly. Still not convinced, still afraid.

“I don’t have to go either. I can stay here with you if that is what you need,” he offers.

You stare back at him.

“That wouldn’t be right. You- you’d resent me for the rest of our lives!”

Kaden shakes his head. “No, I wouldn’t,” he says softly. “I couldn’t.”

“Don’t be so sure about that.”

He presses you close to his chest again. “Actually, that’s the one thing I am absolutely sure about.”

You have always found your anxiety attacks to be annoyingly resilient when it comes to logic and good arguments - just like the one this morning that you had to trick with an even bigger fear.

So when you feel your breath come more easily again and your body relax, it’s not so much what Kaden promised you, nor the exact words he said but the warmth of his embrace, and the tone of reassurance in his voice that beat back the fear.

“But you want to go. Don’t you? One last World Cup competition, right?”

“Yeah. One last big event. I think I need this, Bee. Just one more chance to prove myself. And that’s it then.”

“I – I understand.”

“Is that- is that a no go?” Kaden asks, nervously biting his lip.

You shake your head. “No. No, it’s not. I just - I need you to be honest with me. I don’t want you to twist yourself into a version of the Kaden you think I might want. I need you to be… you. That other thing - it never works out.”

“I’ll be honest with you, Anouk. And you can talk to me about anything that’s on your mind. Always. Deal?”

“Okay. Yes.” Looking up, seeing the relief on his face, you smile weakly at him. “Deal.”

“So. Um. Would you rather like to go home now? Should I see you over or, you know, do you want to stay?”

“I’d like to stay. Sorry, if I make things difficult.” You get on tip toes to place a kiss on Kaden’s cheek.

He chuckles. “The only thing you make difficult, Bee, is keeping my hands to myself.”

“Kaden!”

“What? You said I should be honest.”

“Mhm. Guess I did.”

“Besides, I’d rather see you a little upset with me than so scared.”

You bury your face in Kaden’s woolen sweater, and he wraps his arms around you protectively.

“So… what do we do now, Bee? Tell me what you need.”

“Can we – can we maybe go to bed? I’m a bit tired and –.” You hesitate. “I want to be close to you.”

“Of course. We can definitely do that.”

Kaden takes your hand in his and leads you out of the kitchen, along the corridor into his bedroom.

In the darkness you can only identify vague outlines at first but a flick of the light switch reveals an unmade bed with tangled sheets and crumpled pillows. A few items of clothing are strewn about on the floor. Kaden is quick to gather them up and put them in the laundry basket.

“Sorry, it’s a bit messy in here,” he says with an apologetic smile. “Didn’t think you’d actually see this part of the apartment. Not tonight anyways.”

“No? Where’s that annoying self-confidence from this morning’s competition?”

His sudden insecurity is so sweet and you can’t help tease him a tiny bit about it.

“Nuuhh. Beeeeee… I would never assume.” Kaden mutters.

“I’m just messing with you,” you whisper and squeeze his hand.

“Right, um, say – do you need clothes to sleep in? Like a shirt maybe?”

You nod. “A shirt would be great. Thanks.”

The thing is, you actually look forward to wearing clothes that belong to him. You want to be wrapped up in his scent, feel warm and safe. You’ve been alone, worried, for far too many nights, lying sleepless in your mother’s house.

Kaden searches the closet for something you can wear to bed.

You take a peek over his shoulder as he bends down and realize it’s just as messy in there as ever. A smile steals on your face. Some things definitely hadn’t changed at all.

“This is a bit short on me although it’s one of my favorites,” he says eventually and holds out a faded black shirt.

You inspect it more closely and your smile turns into a broad grin. “Wait a minute, you still have that? This is at least 12 years old!”

“I know. It’s from when we went to that concert on New Year’s Eve. Together.” He shrugs. “You want a different one?”

“Absolutely not,” you mumble and snatch the shirt out of his hands. “I love that you kept this. That was a legendary night…”

When you take off your sweater, Kaden politely turns around and begins to undress as well. Not that you haven’t seen each other in various states of undress before but that was many years ago.

You pull the shirt over your head and pause a second to take a deep breath, smelling the fabric, before you go on to peel off your jeans and socks.

When you’re done, you smooth the front of the shirt down. Your fingers play a bit nervously with the hem.

“Okay, I’m ready…”

Kaden’s eyes linger on your form only for a second but the heat rises to your cheeks nevertheless. He’s dressed in boxer shorts and a blue muscle shirt, and seeing him like this makes you aware of how he’s still his same fit self, with muscular legs and broad shoulders, while you’re, well… not anymore.

You close your eyes, afraid suddenly to see the potential disappointment in his, disappointment about the stretch marks on your legs, the softness of your belly – how you’ve changed over time.

But Kaden just takes your hand again and pulls back into his arms.

“You’re so beautiful, Bee,” he whispers into your ear. “Come to bed with me. Yes?”

“Okay. It’s – I guess, I’m a bit self-conscious about the way I look now,” you admit.

“There’s no need for that,” he assures you. “I like you this way.”

And so you crawl under covers with him, soon finding yourself tucked away in his arms with your head resting on his shoulder.

Kaden sighs contentedly as he kisses the top of your head. “Anouk…”

“Mhmmmm.” You snuggle closer still, sneak one hand under his shirt and trail your fingertips over his bare chest. His breath hitches at your touch; the little gasp is accompanied by a low moan.

“Please stay with me, don’t go away again,” Kaden mumbles. “I missed you so.”

He places his large hand over yours and you feel his heart beat under your palm.

“I won’t run away again.”

You mean it. For the first time in your life.

“I’ll stay.”

.

.

——

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——

Taglist: @chellestrash @yespolkadotkitty @songsformonkeys @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook @infatuatedjanes @chicken-nugget-puta @phoenixhalliwell @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @sonsuvamachine @rosiefridayrogersunday

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#kaden russell #two/one #boyd holbrook #kaden #two one #kaden russell x f!reader #past present future #kaden x you #kaden x reader #kaden x readerOC #my writing

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 7

“If you want to taste the water you’ve got to come to the river. If you want to taste the water, you’ve got to drown, drown, drown.” ― The Jayhawks, Come to the River

.

You can’t remember ever having noticed the tick of the kitchen clock so distinctly before. The monotone sound claws at your brain with raw urgency. You engage in a staring contest with the relentlessly moving hands but time remains unimpressed. If you don’t want to miss Kaden’s first jump, you need to leave right now.

“I appreciate you being here with me, Anouk, but you should really go see him tomorrow. I won’t leave this hospital any time soon. And - maybe it can help you, too?”

Your mother had encouraged you to take a day for yourself after you spent the entire Saturday with her at the hospital.

You know the ticket to the ski jumping qualification is the equivalent of an extended hand. Said so yourself. You just had to take it and oh, you had been so confident that you could.

Now? Inertia. Arms and legs of lead weigh you down.

It shouldn’t be so damn difficult to get up from your chair and drive to the ski jump hill. Yet, it feels like you’re fighting a war on two fronts.

You can already hear the chiding voice of you mother when you tell her that’s why you didn’t go.

“This is not your battle. I appreciate all you do for me, sweetheart. In the end it’s my fight, though.” .

Playing with the VIP ticket, turning it over in your hands, you wonder if Kaden is waiting for you, if he’s searching the crowd for your face after he lands from the first jump. Whether he’ll be as disappointed in you as you are in yourself right now for failing him. The thought is not exactly helpful. It makes you want to hide in bed under the covers like a frightened child.

But fear is immensely powerful. So maybe for once in your life it could make itself useful? Only this one time? Perhaps you if you come up with the right train of thought, starting with the worst thing that could possibly happen…

What if Kaden had an accident this very moment? Would you rather sit here and hide or would you want to be there? With him.

Or what if he failed today? What if he won’t get his ticket to Sapporo? Do you really want to stew in your own misery alone when he might need you? After all he has done for you, too.

And what if… what if he made it? What if he aced it? Damn. You surely wouldn’t want to miss that for anything in the world either!

No. You give the clock on the wall a triumphant look as you get up. You’ve missed Kaden’s first attempt, yes, but there are two more jumps left. If you are quick about getting dressed, you’ll make it in time for both.

. .

Snow creaks under your boots as you step out of the car. The mountain air is cold and dry, and you take a deep breath. It’s only a short distance to the visitor’s entrance at the bottom of the jump. Luckily, the crowd of spectators gathered there is small in size today because this is only a qualifying event. The less people, the better.

When you show your VIP badge at the entrance, the young woman checking the tickets gives you a nod and waves you through behind the tape that normal visitors are not allowed to cross. The yellow plastic snaps in the wind as you duck under it and walk towards the spot where the athletes cross from the bottom of the slope to the coaches and staff awaiting them at the sidelines.

Someone just landed a decent jump and there’s cheering from the crowd. You quickly check the number on the athlete’s suit before your eyes wander to the big score board. Kaden’s first try seems to have gone well enough without you. He’s up there in the top five and will have his second chance to prove himself soon.

You quicken your pace and hurry further up the hill even though your legs seem to grow heavier the closer you get to the small assembly there. The fear that someone might recognize you lingers at the back of your mind but you push it aside and walk on. You haven’t been here in over 10 years. It will be alright.

Still, you hang back from the crowd somewhat, hands fiddling with the entry ticket, boots shuffling in the snow.

And then it’s Kaden’s turn. His name is announced over the speakers and your eyes fix on the big video screen where they show the athletes in close-up.

Kaden faintly nods his head, his tongue darts out and he bites his lip as he positions himself on the starting bench. You have seen him do this routine a hundred times, always with the same air of buzzing concentration furrowing his brow.

His timing for the jump is good as ever but from the corner of your eyes you see the little red and white flags turn and flutter. The wind has changed in an unfavorable direction. Maybe it’s just bad luck, maybe Kaden is not fully focused. Either way, you realize it’s throwing him off and while he’s professional enough to keep it together, the turbulence is stealing range as he moves his arms to maintain balance in the air.

Kaden lands way short of his first try and you read from his posture that he knows it, too. Shoulders slumped, he glides in a half circle to meet his coach and collect a consoling pat on the back.

The skiers come off then and Kaden hoists them over his shoulder. When he eventually looks in your direction, you summon up all your courage and wave at him.

His sour expression immediately turns into a smile as the spark of recognition hits. He quickly leans the skiers against the plastic barriers that keep the spectators away and jogs towards you.

“Bee! You came!”

He stops right in front of you, struggling to take off his helmet.

“Yeah, I did. Sorry, I’m late,” you mutter and reach out to undo the strap under his chin for him.

“Sorry you had to see that. Second jump was shit… Anyways, how’s your mom? How are you?”

Before you have a chance to reply, you find yourself in a hug that leaves no room for escape. Defeated, you wrap your arms around Kaden, clutching the foam material of his orange suit tightly in your hands.

“I’m okay. She’s okay. They’re taking good care of her at the hospital. I have a suspicion she even likes the food better than some of the stuff I cook up for her.”

Kaden chuckles. “So she doesn’t get the pasta from the cafeteria then?”

“Either that or I’m a really terrible cook.”

His expression softens and he leans in closer to whisper in your ear.

“Listen Bee, thank you for showing up today. I know it must have been hard. It means a lot to me.”

Warm breath tickles your face in the cold. You feel your heart speed up and beat faster in your chest with his lips so close.

“Couldn’t not come to support you. I mean, you obviously need me here.”

The last remark was more of a quip but Kaden lets go of you and takes a small step back, nodding. “I do, Anouk. I do need you here.”

It’s almost a reflex then when you reach out to muss up his hair.

“How about the traditionalgood luck ruffle?”

“I’ll better accept all the help I can get at this point, eh?” he laughs, eyes lighting up.

You take off one glove to run your fingers through the short-cut blond strands and are immediately hit by a jumble of memories. Dozens of competitions, even more qualifying and training camp jumps - each time your hands tangle in his hair, each time he gives you a smile bright enough to set the snow itself on fire.

Rewind…

And fast forward again.

“Hey love birds! Hate to separate you but Kaden needs to get back up that hill!”

It’s his coach, of course, whose voice pulls you both back into the present. He comes over to where you stand and waves at his protégé to get going.

“Listen to your trainer,” you say sheepishly, still a bit dumbfoundedby having been shaken out of your little reminiscence so cruelly.

Kaden nods, gives you a reassuring wink before he grabs his gear and trots off towards the ski lift.

You watch him walk away and suddenly you can’t help yourself.

“Left arm!” you yell after him.

“Your left arm position went to shit up there when the wind hit!”

The last thing you see of Kaden as he gets on the ski lift is his hand up in the air, indicating he heard you.

.

“So, you’re the one he needed that extra VIP ticket for last minute, hm?”

The coach smiles at you.

“Still have a keen eye for the sport - Ms. Gilbert - it is now, I believe? I think Kaden mentioned that name once or twice.”

You blink at him, taken aback. “Th- thank you. Yes, it’s Gilbert...”

“I thought it was you,” the man says, still smiling. “I’m sure the kids up there don’t know who you are. If you want to join us, I promise I’ll keep your secret.”

.

A few moments later, you find yourself among the entire entourage, hands sunk deep in the pockets of your winter parka, ready for Kaden’s next turn.

“Do you think he’ll get back on track?”

“Hm?” You turn around to find a guy in his early twenties, who must have shuffled over silently, to stand right next to you.

“Kaden. You think he’ll qualify?”

“Doesn’t he always?” You smile politely.

“Yeah. Ummm. Are you his emergency call? The extra ticket?”

When he sees the puzzled look on your face, the young man holds out one gloved hand for you to shake.

“Sorry. Shit. How rude. I’m, I’m Mike. I train with Kaden.”

You take his hand and give it a light squeeze.

“Hi, Mike. I’m Anouk.”

He nods, lips curving into a shy smile.

“What I meant to say is, I really hope everything is alright. I brought Kaden his phone when, um, someone called during training. Must have rung for ten minutes straight. I noticed the name on the display. Never saw him run off during a session like that before. Kaden doesn’t talk much about anything private, just mentioned your name. Made us all curious. So I put two and two together just now. I’m too nosy. Again – I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” you say with a wink. “And yes, everything worked out okay.”

So the two of you are locker room talk once again? You certainly didn’t think so at 18 but now it’s actually quite amusing.

When Kaden’s name is finally announced over the speakers once more, you look up and focus back on the video screen.

“You jump, too?” Mike asks.

“Used to. Yes,” you mumble.

“Hm. Were any good?”

A smile appearson your face and your voice exudes much more confidence than before.

“In fact. Yes. Yes, I was quite good at what I did.”

“Cool.”

.

A coiled spring at the pit of your stomach releases its energy when Kaden’s skis leave the ground and he lifts up in the air. For the fraction of a second you remember the rush of adrenaline, the wind tugging on the suit, the temporary freedom from gravity.

This time around, the conditions are more favorable and you can see right away that it is going to be a good jump for Kaden.

“Damn, look at that take-off,” Mike mutters.

“He’s coming in far,” you agree.

You know that the further down the slope Kaden comes,the harder it will be to do a decent landing in telemark position that won’t cost him any points. There’s nothing to worry about, though. Kaden did not exaggerate when he told you he still got it in him. His third try is a big success.

.

Everyone around you immediately erupts in cheers and you find yourself joining in.

When Kaden approaches, he has eyes only for you. A quick hand shake from his coach is mandatory but he makes a wide berth around everybody else, running towards you.

“Congrats!” you say, smiling.

His helmet drops into the snow with a thud and Kaden grabs a hold of you again, lifting you off the ground to spin you around.

Laughing with him, you struggle to free yourself. “Kaden!! Put me down, you’re gonna pull a muscle.”

He eventually lets go of you, nodding. “Fine. You’re right, can’t afford to lose form at this point. I’m obviously on fire.”

You lightly punch him in the shoulder. “You made it!”

“Because you came to see me jump. That’s why.”

“No, because you’re a good athlete.”

“Yeah, that, too,” he admits with a grin. “But you did have a big part in this today.”

For a moment you are both silent. Then Kaden shuffles a bit closer.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Yes?” you lean closer as if he were about to tell you a secret.

“I have to shake a few more hands and take a shower…” Kaden whispers.

“...because you’re really stinky in that suit?” you interject.

“Ha. Fuck you, Anouk. You’d be stinky, too.” He rests his head on your shoulder, chuckling softly.

“Lies. Utter lies.”

“Anyways... Would you like to come over for dinner later to celebrate a little? Around eight? Nothing fancy. Just you and me, some take-out and a bottle of wine. Please?”

“And you promise you’ll take a shower first?” It’s too tempting not to mess a bit more with him.

“Yep- I promise. So?”

You roll your eyes at him. “Yes. Of course I’ll come over for dinner.”

“Promise?”

“Pinky Promise!”

Kaden laughs and suddenly you find yourself on the receiving end of a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

“This must really be my lucky day, Bee.”

“Yeah, must be…”

“Okay then. Dinner at eight! See you later!”

“Later, Kaden!”

It’s time to get out of here. If you are to meet for dinner tonight, you’ll definitely need a shower yourself. Maybe you’ll even dress up a little for the occasion.

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash @yespolkadotkitty @songsformonkeys @ionlyjoinedforboydholbrook @infatuatedjanes @chicken-nugget-puta @phoenixhalliwell @kaelyn-lobrutto24

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#kaden russell #two/one #boyd holbrook #kaden #two one #kaden russell x f!reader #kaden x reader #kaden x you #my writing #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Sneak peak of Past/Present/Future chapter 8:

"

Walking over to the kitchen counter, glass still in hand, you inspect the books. Your fingers lightly trace over the creases in the spines and when you take one up, you find there’s still a price tag attached to the back of it.

"You actually bought these? I could have given you more copies of my novels for free," you say with a tiny laugh.

Kaden shrugs, eyeing you closely.

"I know. But I wanted to buy my own."

"Why?"

He smiles at you; his voice goes soft.

"Maybe I just wanted a piece of you in secret - all for myself."

"

Did I put it on too thickly, the pastiche? Maybe. But every day of my life I am so fucking afraid. Every day this stifling anxiety chokes the life out of me. So at least I will write characters that are brave. And I will let them say their truths.

#past present future #kaden russell #kaden russell x f!reader #my writing

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

I would 100% date Kaden. I love him as you write him.

I feel so honored. T___T Thank you so much!

#replies #kaden russell #kaden russell x f!reader

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Before / After

On prom night Kaden decided to ask Anouk out although they had a pact saying they both wouldn't go. She didn't answer her phone and wasn't home either when he came over. Her parents said she was staying with a friend for the night but that was a lie she had told them. Kaden looked for her in their usual spots but she was nowhere to be found. He spent the rest of the night walking about aimlessly, then went home. He never told anybody about this.

That night Anouk secretly stole her mother's car and just drove until she came to a city she had never been to before. She had food in a strange restaurant and saw a movie in an unfamiliar theater. She walked through unknown streets, and for one night Anouk pretended to be somebody else in a completely different life.

It was the first time she realized that running away didn't necessarily solve anything but could afford relief nevertheless.

Part of / prequel to:

Past / Present / Future

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #anouk gilbert #past present future #my oc #kaden x f!reader #my writing #by yours truly #imagine #a prequel story to the fic I suppose

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one; hospitals Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 6:

“All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” ― Cormac McCarthy, The Road

.

“Kaden? Kaden! Your phone has been going fucking crazy in the changing room for the last ten minutes!”

Coach raises an eyebrow and glowers at Mike, who holds up an aggressively ringing cellphone.

“No phones in here!” he barks. “You know the rules. You’re not kids anymore. No phones in the gym. Silent mode in the changing rooms.”

Kaden ignores the reproach. His face has gone from ruddy workout glow to ashen white in an instant and he’s already on his feet, reaching for the device with shaking hands.

Anouk’s ringtone.

“That’s a family emergency!” he blurts out. “Ten minutes?! Shit.”

Coach grumbles a few more words but a nod of the head indicates for Kaden to go sort out whatever is happening.

“Don’t forget. Day after tomorrow’s the big day!”

In the changing room Kaden frantically taps the broken display.

You have 10 missed calls.

Fuck.

He plays the only message left on the mailbox.

“Hi. Hey. It’s me. Anouk. You – you probably know that by now because I tried to call you several times. Sorry. I didn’t know – I didn’t know who else to call. I’m – we’re – at the hospital. I had to get an ambulance for mom because she had this really high fever. She’s – she is okay for now. They’re making tests. I’m in the cafeteria. Waiting. I –”

There is a pause and some heavy breathing before the message resumes.

“Could you maybe – I don’t want to be alone. Please. Sorry. If it’s not convenient. I—I’ll try again later.”

.

.

You take a sip from your plastic cup as you leaf through one of the old magazines offered in the hospital’s small self-service restaurant. The coffee tastes flat but the brew is hot enough to burn your mouth.

Since they wheeled your mom away for tests, you’ve tried to call Kaden about a dozen times. It was a sort of reflex and you feel a bit ashamed of yourself. He’s most likely doing a last training session before the World Cup qualification jumps on Sunday. The last thing he needs is to be involved in your family drama on a Friday afternoon.

The clacking of your fingers drumming on the shiny formica table creats a constant background noise while you stare at the pictures in the magazines, too busy worrying to notice Kaden approach.

“Bee? Bee, are you okay?!”

You look up, uncertain for a second if he’s really there or whether you’re imagining things.

“Kaden!”

He nods. His face is flushed a bright red.

“How… Why?” your voice breaks and you fall silent.

“You called me so I got here as fast as I could. Sorry I didn’t call back, I was at the gym. I thought I better come here as quickly as possible.”

People are watching the two of you but you don’t care. You let him pull you to your feet and into his arms.

Face pressed into Kaden’s winter jacket, you sniffle. “Her fever was so high, I didn’t know what else to do. She told me no. No ambulance. No hospital. But I couldn’t just do nothing.”

“You did the right thing,” he whispers, kissing your hairline.

Then he gently cups your face in his hands. “Look at me, Anouk. You did the right thing. The doctors will take care of her.”

“I guess. I mean. They’re doing so now. Testing her. And she’s supposed to get an MRI, too.” You bite your lip. Yes, it was right to bring your mother here but you cannot help wonder if she was simply scared or really didn’t want to fight anymore.

“Hey…” Kaden strokes your cheek with his thumb. “When was the last time you ate anything?”

You shrug. “I can’t remember. This morning?”

“Hm. That’s no good, Bee. You need to eat.”

Kaden eventually lets go and you to sit back down.

“Tell you what, I see if I can find something edible in this place and we wait together. Okay? You and me?”

All you can do is nod feebly. There is no use in fighting him. You really don’t want to anymore either. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. What you want is for him to take charge. It’s okay to admit that you've used up most of your strength and need help. Because it’s him.

Your eyes follow Kaden as he walks over to the self-service area.

Now that you think about it, you arequite hungry.

When he arrives back at your table, balancing an overloaded tray with literal piles of sandwiches, pasta and all sorts of condiments, you can’t help but smile.

“What kind of army do you plan on feeding with that?” you ask as you reach out for a plastic container with salad and two little sachets of dressing.

“Last 48 hours before the jump,” Kaden says. “Remember the drill?”

“Carbs, carbs, carbs. Think I do. Yeah.” You open a small bag of croutons and generously pour them out over the salad.

Kaden seats himself next to you. He puts a plate filled with mushy pasta on the table and grunts.

“Bee, I don’t think these are exactly al dente.”

You pretend to study the noodle dish expertly, brows knit in concentration.

“What makes you say that?”

“Just a hunch.”

“Mhm. Is that green stuff on top pesto?”

“God, I hope so.”

Watching Kaden dig into the pasta as if eating was just another sports challenge reminds you of camp days. To expertly fill the glycogen stores in your muscles, is something you didn’t have to do in a long time and you’re grateful that you can simply have your salad in peace.

“You never liked that part of the training routine much, did you?” Kaden asks.

He looks up from his plate and smiles at you.

“No. Eating shouldn’t have to feel like a chore. How can you tell?”

“You’re making that same face.”

“What face?”

“That expression,” he explains. “You wrinkle your nose just the tiniest little bit and press your lips together. Like when coach made you eat those extra spaghetti.”

The man knows you too well. Especially when considering that you haven’t seen him in years.

“Do you remember everything about me?” you mutter and munch on a crouton.

“Naah. Wish I did, though.”

For a second the statement hangs in the air between the two of you until you open one of the magazines and turn it around so he can see the pictures.

“I remembered something about you, too, today.”

“Tell me I’m wrong,” you say, tapping your finger on a photo of Kaden in one of the articles. “But… this is you at the gas station by the hill, yes?”

He nods.

“It says here you’re buying gasoline because your car got stuck at the ski jump right before the snow storm hit.”

Kaden shrugs, “So…”

“You went up there alone. Didn’t you? Otherwise you would have had a ride home or a friend with you at least.”

There’s no sharpness in your tone despite the words – only thick anguish.

“I thought you were past that. Secret training sessions with no supervision. No safety net.”

His face falls.

“Bee. That was a week before you came back. And. And don’t think coach didn’t tear me a new one for it when he saw that photo. It was in the local newspaper as well. I already got the telling off I deserved.”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I didn’t mean to chide you. I—Can I just ask why? I thought this was something you did when we were too young and too eager. Something you never wanted to do again because it’s dangerous.”

It’s not a trick question, not a trap. So when your eyes meet his, there’s nothing but open curiosity in them and he acknowledges it with a sad smile.

“I’m 34 years old, Bee.”

A mouthful of pasta disappears. Kaden chews carefully before he continues to speak.

“This is my last chance to win a World Cup competition. Everybody around me thinks I shouldn’t do it. I should lean back and retire while I’m on top of things. Not risk a failure. Coach thinks that, too. Said so himself.”

You nod, silently encouraging him to go on.

“I can do this, Anouk. I can win one more time. It’s just, I guess, I lost faith for a hot moment and thought I could do some jumps to reassure myself that I still got it.”

“I see.” It makes sense of course but it still worries you.

“And do you? Still got it?” you ask, finally smiling back at him.

“Hell yeah!”

.

.

Kaden has finished the pasta and you’ve helped him with the rye bread sandwiches, when a nurse enters the cafeteria.

You immediately recognize her from before.

Nurse Miller’s black hair is kept in a tight knot, her lips are pressed firmly together but her dark eyes are kind once they settle on you. She had taken care of your mom earlier and promised to notify you when the test results come in.

“Miss Gilbert?”

She waves at you as she makes her way to where you sit and your hand comes up to mirror her greeting.

“Hi.”

“Your mother is all settled in now. Dr. Wang will talk to you about how to proceed. She is already on her way so we best be quick.”

“Oh, and you can bring your partner of course,” she adds with a smile.

Neither of you correct her assumption.

.

In the elevator to the third floor you reach out for Kaden’s hand. You don’t even notice you’re doing it. It just comes naturally and he reciprocates the gesture, interlacing fingers with you.

Only a minute ago you felt relief at the thought that you would finally see your mother and get to talk to her doctor. That feeling has turned to dread already once more.

What if the test results are really bad? What if they have to keep your mom here? And if she doesn’t want to stay? What if – if her time will be up soon?

Kaden leans in closer and you squeeze his hand a bit harder, holding on to him. Whatever happens, he’ll be there, you tell yourself. He’ll catch you if you fall.

.

Doctor Wang, a woman in her late 50s, is already in the room when you enter. She’s reading through what you suppose is your mother’s file.

Her black-rimmed glasses are a bit too large and she pushes them up with one finger as she turns to greet you.

“Ms. Gilbert. Hello!”

You nod. “Hi, Dr. Wang!”

Slowly, your hand slides out of Kaden’s and you walk over to your mother.

“Hey mom, are you okay?”

She looks exhausted and yet still a lot better than this morning, not as ashen and pale anymore. Her eyes have lost their feverish glow.

“I’m fine. Fine. Just a bit tired from all the prodding and poking they do around here.”

You know it’s supposed to be one of her tough mom impressions but the old fire is missing from her voice and the annoyed look accompanying it is not quite as convincing as usual.

When she spots Kaden standing behind you, however, her face lights up.

“I see you didn’t come alone, Anouk.”

Kaden waves at your mom. He has put on his most persuasive smile.

“Hey Mrs. Gilbert. I hope I don’t intrude? I can wait outside if you like.”

“Oh, don’t be silly. It’s kind of you to come and support my daughter. And it’s not a secret that I’m not at my best.”

After that has been settled, Dr. Wang takes over the conversation.

It’s hard to focus on the facts when it’s about someone you’re so close to, when your thoughts are in a constant state of turmoil.

You reach out for Kaden’s hand again, finding your anchor in the storm.

What you get from the conversation is that the cancer medication is giving your mom more severe side effects than expected and that – at the same time – it’s not halting the progress of her illness the way doctors hoped it would.

It’s a blow to the gut. You look at your mom in despair but she is calm, gives you a tired nod.

Dr. Wang goes on to explain the test results and that they would like to keep your mother in hospital for a week or two. They have to adjust her medication and there are a few more things they could try, too. Your mom has already agreed to stay.

It’s this last sentence that gives you a glimpse of hope. So she is still willing to try.

“Okay, yes. I understand,” you say. Tears are welling up in your eyes but you push them back, fight with all the strength you have left.

When Dr. Wang leaves there’s a moment of heavy silence. The room is fraught with tension and you have no idea how to dissolve any of it.

You want to say so many things to you mother. You also want to run away. Desperately. And you want to fling yourself into Kaden’s arms and cry your eyes out.

Oh, you want to be anywhere but here and yet you never want to leave your mother’s side ever again.

A sudden knock on the door makes you flinch. Dinner is being wheeled in for your mom. The distraction is a welcome one.

While she is busy for the moment, talking to staff, you turn to Kaden.

He reaches out to brush a strand of hair out of your face.

“I’m sorry, bee,” he whispers.

You bite your lower lip to keep yourself from releasing a bottled-up sob.

“I don’t know what to do now,” you mumble.

“Keep her company. It’s the best you can do right now, I think. Talk to her. She’s right here.”

Kaden presses a kiss on your brow. “Don’t let the time you have together slip away. Take it from me. You’ll regret it if you do.”

He’s right of course. If you run away now, there might not be a later, a next time.

You nod. “I’ll stay with her for a while longer. You go home and prepare for your competition.”

“Listen,” Kaden pauses, almost looking shy all of a sudden. “Maybe it’s not the right time but… if you need a little distraction on Sunday from all of this... just a little break...”

He pulls a lanyard with a VIP ticket out of his pocket.

“I got you this. In case you need something to do for a few hours. You can skip the crowd with it and just waltz around like old times. Maybe -- maybe it was a bad idea. Shit. I’m sorry.”

Before he has a chance to let the lanyard disappear again, you snatch it out of his hand.

“No. Don’t be sorry! I—I can’t promise anything. But… I’ll try?”

Kaden has done so much for you. It’s time to stop running. It’s time to face the past. Take it head on and jump into the present.

“Thank you, bee.”

You watch him leave, clutching the VIP ticket to your chest as if you were afraid it might disappear on you once he’s gone.

“What’s that?” your mother asks.

You turn around and smile softly. “An invitation. An invitation -- to stay and mend. Now let’s get your dinner fixed up and I’ll tell you all about it.”

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash @chicken-nugget-puta @songsformonkeys@yespolkadotkitty @phoenixhalliwell @kaelyn-lobrutto24​

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#kaden russell #two/one #boyd holbrook #kaden #two one #kaden x f!reader #kaden x reader #kaden x you #my writing #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 1:

“My life I have still to live; her life ended when mine began.” – Mary Antin, The Promised Land

You take another bag of groceries out of the trunk and balance it in your arms. Big snowflakes fall relentlessly from the sky. They soak your hair and the paper bags as you stand in the parking space in front of a row of small houses.

You're desperately trying to fish the car keys out of your jeans pocket but of course your woolen gloves get stuck on the stupid keychain. When you eventually free your hand, the keys fall right into the slush on the ground. Thud.

Goddammit. After eight years in California you had almost forgotten how annoying Canadian winters could be.

. “Need help with that?”

There’s something distinctly familiar about the man’s voice and when you turn around, it only takes you about half a second to recognize him.

Kaden.

Yes, you were bound to run into him sooner or later but you would have preferred it to be later. Much later.

"Guess, I do."

He bends down to pick up the keys and when he looks back at you, his lips curve into a smile. You can see the pang of recognition in the clear blue eyes while they hold your gaze.

“Anouk? Anouk Ahonen? Didn’t think I’d ever see you back in these parts.”

“Gilbert. Ever since the accident I go by Gilbert again,” you reply curtly.

Kaden scratches the mop of tousled blond hair under his knitted hat and gives you an apologetic look. “Ah yes. Sorry. Didn’t know that.”

He presses the button on the car key and the vehicle locks itself with a beep.

“Here, let me take one of those bags, too,” he offers.

You unceremoniously dump half the groceries into Kaden’s arms and slowly walk towards the houses with him. Feeling that you have to say something at least, you add, “I only came back because mom needs my help.”

“I heard she’s not that well. I used to see her now and then… but not anymore.”

“She doesn’t get out much these days.”

The two of you trudge on, snow crunching under your boots. You wish your mother’s house weren’t the last one on the row because every second you spend in Kaden’s presence threatens to bring back memories you’re not exactly keen on.

“That’s my stop,” you say and nod at your front door. “You, err, you still got the keys.”

“Oh. Of course.”

Kaden hands over the paper bag and opens the door for you. He leaves the key in the lock, then moves out of the way to let you through.

“It was nice seeing you,” he says. The smile has returned to his face.

All you can muster, though, is a weak “Thanks for helping.”

You grab the keys in passing and give the door a swift kick with your boot. It clangs shut behind you; the glass window pane makes a strained noise.

As you drop the wet grocery bags on the counter, you release the breath you didn’t realize you were holding in.

Fuck. It’s only day two and you already feel like packing up and going into full flight mode. But you can’t. Mom needs you here. There is nobody else who can take care of her since your father left 5 years ago.

“Anouk? Are you back?” Her voice rings out from upstairs.

You take a deep breath and brace yourself. Perhaps it’s time to face the past head on?

“Yes, mom! I’m coming!”

 .

 .

The next time you see Kaden is on a Tuesday morning at 7:30 am. It’s still dark outside and you are hard at work, brushing the snow from your car and de-icing the windshield.

He steps into the pale yellow light from the streetlamp close-by and waves. There’s a training bag slung over his shoulder and his grin indicates no little amusement of all your huffing and puffing and frantic scratching.

“Hey!”

You give him a brief look-over then continue to hack away at the ice. “Hey.”

“Out so early?”

“Actually, I’m already late,” you snap.

Kaden pulls an ice scraper out of his pocket and waves it at you. “I’ll do the other side of the car if you don’t mind.”

As much as you’d like to tell him no, you can’t. The appointment at the hospital is important and you mustn’t be late.

By the time you’ve finished your side, you find Kaden has already worked his way around to you and de-iced the rear window.

“Maybe you should think about getting a cover for the windshield at least,” he says and lets the scraper disappear in his jacket again.

“Maybe I should.” You face him and cross your arms over your chest. “Why are you doing this anyways?”

He frowns. “Do what?”

You wave your arms at him, gesturing about. “This. This being helpful schtick.”

“Seriously?” The smile on his face vanishes.

Kaden scowls. “Because you looked like you could use some help? Again. Because we’ve known each other since we went to school? Or perhaps because we spent countless winters at ski jumping camp together but I haven’t heard from you in nearly a decade? You take your pick, Anouk. You take your pick.”

It’s the way he says your name out loud that makes you wince. You look down at the snow-capped tips of your boots.

“I’m sorry,” you mutter, still evading his gaze. “It’s a bad day. A bad week. I have to get my mom to the hospital for her appointment and I underestimated how long it can take to clear snow and ice off a car out here. Shit.”

A gloved hand falls gently on your shoulder. “Your mom’s that sick, huh? She never said anything.”

You gnaw on your lower lip, nodding. “She broke an arm a few months back. It didn’t heal properly and the doctors eventually found bone cancer. I have to drive her to chemotherapy on Tuesday and Friday mornings.”

When your eyes meet Kaden’s, the anger has dissipated and his brow is furrowed in concern.

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It is what it is,” you whisper.

“Do you need help with your mom? I mean, can she walk to the car?”

“She can walk. And she doesn’t like people to see her ‘like this.’” You draw quotation marks in the air with your fingers to emphasize this is her point of view.

Kaden’s hand slides down your arm and he holds on to your elbow. When you turn your head ever so slightly to look where he touches you, he quickly pulls away.

“I’ll leave you to it then,” he says and lifts his training bag from the ground to hoist it over his shoulder. He turns around to go but then hesitates a moment longer.

“If you ever want to catch up or need help, you know where to find me.”

“Mhm.”

 .

 .

Twice a week now you make sure your mother shows up for her doctor’s appointment on time. Twice a week now you find your car free of snow and ice in the morning.

.

-------

Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8  - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

-------

Taglist: @chellestrash​ @chicken-nugget-puta​

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#kaden #kaden russell #two/one #boyd holbrook #Kaden x f!reader #kaden x you #past/present/future #my writing #by yours truly #tw terminal illness #tw cancer #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 5

.

“I’m a cactus trying to be a canoe. / As you pan for ore / In the desert, floored / I say to you / That I could never imagine a place so beautiful / I could never steal your gold away.” – R.E.M., The Ascent of Man

.

Anouk: [Hi…]

Kaden: [Hey. :) What’s up?]

Anouk: [Nothing much… Are you busy right now?]

Kaden: [Not really. I’m at home cleaning the kitchen.]

Anouk: [Ha. You could come over & clean ours, too.]

Kaden: [Enticing. Will I run into your mom again? ;)]

Anouk: [Nah, mom’s asleep in her room. I thought we could watch a movie…]

Kaden: [Wait, is this an actual invitation to join you?]

Anouk: [Yes. Please don’t ring the bell; it’s open.]

The hallway door is ajar and Kaden peeks around the corner into the kitchen area where he spots you making tea.

He waves at you.

“Hello.”

“Hi,” you mutter as you pour steaming hot water from the kettle into a big teapot.

Eventually, you look up to face him.

In the lamplight his short blond hair glistens with melting bits of ice.

“Wow, is it snowing again?”

“Hm? Oh yeah,” Kaden nods, shaking off a few drops of water.

“Tea?”

“Sure. Why not.”

He ambles over to where you stand and puts two books down right in front of you.

You eye your novels suspiciously for a second before you finally get cups from a shelf.

“Just in case you’re wondering, I actually read them. Liked them, too.”

“That’s nice,” you mumble quietly.

Worry creeps into Kaden’s expression. “Are you okay?” It’s only now that he notices the dark circles under your eyes, the waxy glow of your complexion.

All you can do at first is vehemently shake your head no. No, you’re not okay.

“Mom’s really not that well,” you offer after a while. “She’s resting now but… I don’t know what to do, Kaden.”

“That why you drink tea instead of coffee? For comfort?”

The smile he gives you is sweet and reassuring. He still knows all those little things about you.

“Yes. It’s a bit silly, I guess.”

“Not at all.”

A few more strides and he’s rounded the counter to stand beside you, helps you put the cups and teapot on a tray.

“I thought I should watch a movie to take my mind off things for a while but now I don’t know.” You look up at him, pleading as you grope for the right question in your mind.

“Can you stay with me for a while?”

Kaden’s eyes find yours and he nods. “Of course. That’s why I’m here.”

His kindness hits you hard in the chest all over again. Why is he so generous when you have been so reserved and stubborn for most of the time?

“Come on,” he says, interrupting your train of thought. “Let’s take this party to the living room.”

.

You settle down next to him and sink into the excessive plush of the baby blue couch. It’s not your style of furniture but it is comfortable enough.

Kaden hands you a mug of tea.

“Careful, hot.”

“Mhm. Thanks.”

“So, do you want to talk about what is going on?” he says, one inquisitive eyebrow raised.

“There’s not much to tell. Mom’s reacting badly to the chemo lately. Tiredness, nausea. She can barely keep any food down and has lost most of her hair. The doctor gave her something against the side effects but I don’t think it’s helping much.

And how would I even know… She never talks to me about it. Pretends everything is fine when it is clearly not. I can see she’s not okay. I can see it.”

You take a sip of tea and stare into the mug. “I suppose there was more to say than I thought.”

Kaden is watching you; you can feel it but don’t dare to meet his gaze.

He casually leans in and puts his arm on the back rest of the sofa.

“I’m sorry, Honey Bee.”

There’s just the slightest tremble in his voice as the old nickname rolls off his tongue. It’s a long shot but he’s taking it anyway.

The offer stands. You hesitate for the fraction of a second, ready to run. Instead, you put the cup down and snuggle into Kaden’s arms.

He pulls you close and you hide your face against his chest. His woolen sweater is soft against your cheeks; you always liked seeing him in them.

“I’m so tired.”

“I know, Bee. It’s okay.” Kaden whispers before placing a soft kiss on your hair.

“No. You don’t understand. I-- I barely sleep at night anymore. I don’t dare to close my eyes. What if I fall asleep and she needs me? What if… what…if… I’m asleep and she dies?”

He rubs circles into your back with one hand while you sob against him.

Gentle fingers caress your wet cheeks to wipe away stray tears.

And suddenly you’re back at training camp, 18 years old and failing miserably all over again. Sleepless nights. Days of rigorous routines. But the harder you push yourself, the worse the results get. At some point coach sends you home temporarily. It’s not punishment they say but it sure feels like it.

Kaden held you then just as he holds you now.

And he’s asking himself the exact same question.

What if, what if he tilted your head up with his hand under your chin the tiniest little bit? What if he kissed you? Only once. To try it. To see if it is as nice as he thinks it must surely be. Maybe it would make you less sad even.

But that’s what he wants, not what you need.

That’s why he didn’t do it then and he doesn’t do it now.

“Why are you so nice to me?” you hear yourself say, voice muffled by his sweater. You take a deep breath and inhale the familiar scent of fabric softener and wool.

“Because I like you, Bee. You used to be my best friend, remember? I could have passed you by in the parking lot a few days ago. I didn’t because I wanted to be there for you. Do you think I bought you that delicious pizza because somebody forced me to? Hm?”

Damn him. Even in this horrible situation he makes you smile.

“No. Of course I don’t think that. I think you wanted an excuse to get pizza. It’s just, you’ve got a lot going on in your life, too. I don’t want to be a burden. You need to ace that World Cup.”

“Okay, one, you’re not a burden. Two, I want you back in my life, Anouk. Don’t shut me out because you think I can’t handle it. I want to get to know you again. Really know you. The person you’ve become. Screw it. Maybe I’m making the same idiotic mistake I made a few months ago with Martha all over but it sure doesn’t feel like it this time. Feels right with you.”

You press against him, can hear his heart race. His breath is warm on your skin.

Yes, this is right.

“Do you think it’s possible to miss somebody terribly but to only fully realize it once you meet them again?”

“I think that’s exactly what happened when I met you in that parking lot with your half-soaked groceries,” Kaden whispers.

“So, you’ll stay for a movie, right?”

“I already agreed to that twice, remember? But maybe I could suggest something else.”

You sit back, sniffling. “And what would that be?”

“I choose something to watch and you curl up and sleep. I’ll stay awake and if your mom calls, I’ll wake you up. That way you can be sure you won’t sleep through it if she needs you.”

He gives you one of those lopsided little smiles, biting his lower lip.

“Do you promise? That you won’t fall asleep? And that you will wake me up, yes?”

The idea of a nap is tempting. Still, you need reassurance.

“Yes.” Kaden raises his hand and puts it on his chest. “I solemnly swear to stay awake and notify you in case of any emergencies.”

“You’re so stupid,” you say and lightly hit him in the shoulder.

“Oh, am I?” He reaches for the remote to switch on the TV. “Come on. Snuggle up and get some shut eye.”

“Okay, will do.” For a second, you’re not sure how to do this the right way but Kaden settles back and pats his thigh so you curl up on the couch beside him with your head in his lap.

His long fingers gently card through your mussed-up hair.

“See not so bad, is it?”

“No,” you admit. “This is… nice.”

While he’s switching channels, looking for an interesting sports event, you close your eyes and try to relax.

In case something happens, he’ll wake you up. You know he keeps his promises. Always did.

“Ooh, nice. Motocross!” is about the last thing you hear before you nod off.

.

“Anouk. Hey, Honey Bee. Sorry, but you gotta wake up.”

A low, familiar voice reaches you through the mists of sleep.

“Your mom called for you, Bee.”

“Mhm. I’m awake…”

Two strong hands help you sit up and you stare right into Kaden’s face.

“I’m awake,” you repeat drowsily. “How, how long was I out for?”

“Two hours.”

“Oh.”

For a moment there is silence between the two of you, then your mom calls again from upstairs.

“Anouk? Sweetheart?”

“Coming mom! Just a minute!” you reply and struggle to get on your feet.

“Careful, Bee,” Kaden whispers.

You nod. “Yeah. I’m just. Wow. I think I was really out.” You give him an apologetic smile. “Could you, could you maybe wait till I’m back or do you – do you have to leave?”

“Go to your mom, Bee. I’ll stay. Promise.”

.

After you’ve brought your mother some water, you sit down beside her on the bed and watch her sip the cold drink through a straw.

“How are you?”

You touch her forehead with the back of your hand to feel her temperature.

“I don’t think you have a fever but we’ll check again tonight, just in case. Do you think you’ll be able to eat a little something?”

“I’m fine sweetie. There is no need to make such a fuss. I’ll eat dinner with you later.”

She impatiently swats your hand away.

“Besides, it’s time to spill the tea, Anouk. He’s downstairs with you, isn’t he?”

You roll your eyes at her. “MOM! Don’t tell me that’s why you called me upstairs. To ask whether I secretly have friends over. I’m not 16 anymore.”

“Of course, it isn’t. But it’s a much more interesting topic than talking about whether I can stomach some food or not. You have to admit that.”

She gives you a mischievous wink.

“Please indulge me.”

“Yes, Kaden is downstairs. He brought the novels back.”

“Oh!” Your mother’s eyes light up. “Did he like them? I bet he did.”

“He said so, yes,” you nod slowly.

“See? Which one did he like best? The third?”

“I didn’t ask, mom.” Exhaustion tints your words.

“Why? Are you feeling ashamed again? Your books are bestsellers, sweetie. People like what you do. You should be proud! I am proud of you.”

Sighing, you take your mother’s hand in yours.

“Right. I’ll ask him for you, okay?”

“Anouk. Dear. You should ask him for yourself, not me.”

She smiles sadly and plants a kiss on your cheek.

“You don’t value your own successes high enough.”

“I know, mom. I’m just. Very tired right now.”

You mother nods. Her hand squeezes yours.

“I know it’s a lot of pressure on you. I know that…” She trails off, voice breaking.

“Shhh. It’s okay mom. I’ll tell you what. I go downstairs to make some of that noodle soup you like so much for dinner. And I’ll ask Kaden about the books so we have something nice to talk about- yes?”

“Thanks, sweetie.”

.

When you come back to the kitchen, you find Kaden in the middle of doing the dishes.

He looks up at you with a smile.

“How is she doing?

You shrug and point at the sink.

“It didn’t get worse but she isn’t much better either. And you—you really don’t have to do this.”

Kaden shakes his head. “I wanted to make myself useful while you were gone. It’s fine.”

He puts the freshly cleaned cups aside and immerses the empty teapot in the hot water.

“Mom sniffed us out, you know. Asked me if you are here.”

You reach for a kitchen towel to help drying the dishes.

“Of course, she did,” he chuckles. “What did she say?”

“Wanted to know if you liked my novels. Chided me because I didn’t ask your favorite.”

“Oh. The third in the series. Just like she predicted.”

You stop what you’re doing for a moment and steal a glance at him.

“Why?”

Kaden pauses as well, thinking, then picks up where he left off cleaning the teapot.

“I think you really found your voice by then. I don’t know. The characters seemed more rounded. More relatable. It wasn’t all about the murder mystery but also about the people who solve it. I liked that. Spices things up.”

“Oh. Okay. Thank you. That’s—actually pretty much what mom said when she first read it. Maybe you should stay for dinner to tell her yourself.”

The suggestion is out before you know it.

“I’d love to but I can’t, not tonight. My sister actually invited me and my mother for dinner.”

Kaden takes the towel from you and dries his hands on it.

“Of course.” You shake your head. “It’s a dumb idea anyways. Mom can’t even keep any food down.”

“Hey.” He reaches out to stroke your cheek. “It’s not dumb, okay?”

One more step towards him and you’re back in his arms.

“I have to go now,” he whispers. “I know I said this before but if you need me to help out or if you want to talk you can call day and night. Like the old days, yes?”

“Like the old days,” you confirm.

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash @chicken-nugget-puta @songsformonkeys @yespolkadotkitty @phoenixhalliwell @kaelyn-lobrutto24

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #two/one #kaden #kaden x f!reader #kaden x you #tw terminall illness #tw cancer #my writing #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 2:

“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?" "Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.” – Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

.

Initially, you had no intention of taking Kaden up on his offer to chat but as his game of “secretly” helping out with the car has been going on for a couple of weeks now, you realize you have to acknowledge his presence eventually.

Besides, your mother has started to ask questions. Why are you not inviting him over? Why don’t you say thank you? It’s the least you can do.

If you have the choice between discussing the issue with her in detail and actually enjoying a cup of coffee with Kaden, you might prefer the latter. You can try to keep it brief and maybe the nagging at home will stop then.

.

So one fine Tuesday afternoon you find yourself a few doors down in front of Kaden’s house, uncertain whether you made the right decision, but resolved to go through with it.

You balance a plate of homemade chocolate cake in one hand and ring the doorbell with the other.

After a little while, rustling can be heard from the inside, footsteps follow, and Kaden opens.

The second he sees you, there’s that smile again. It has so much genuine delight about it that it makes your cheeks burn and your stomach cramp at the same time. You shift your weight from one leg to the other and clear your throat.

“Um. Hi.”

“Hi.”

Kaden bites his lower lip, barely able to contain his mirth at your discomfort.

Eh. He’s still his old self, both mischievous and charming.

The combination didn’t have much of an effect on you anymore after you had met your husband. But seeing him just as playful and cheeky now, brings back memories of a time before Matti, memories of school trips and ski camp, of laughter and success.

A moment of awkward silence passes until you pull yourself out of your thoughts and offer the plate to Kaden.

“I brought cake.”

“So. Are you coming inside to eat with me or is this a doorstep delivery?”

He scratches his shoulder and gives you an innocent look.

Inevitably, your eyes follow the movement of his hands and come to rest on the gold chain around his neck. God, he still wears that, too.

“It can be whatever you prefer,” you reply. “I am not averse to cake. This much definitely hasn’t changed.”

“Come on in already, living room is, well, right there.”

Kaden opens the door wide and points to your left over a railing that separates the entrance area from the rest of the room. He takes the plate out of your hands and disappears quickly into what you take to be the kitchen, leaving you no choice but to follow him inside.

You get rid of your boots in the hallway and dump your jacket and scarf over the railing before taking the few steps up into the living space.

There’s a mirror over a little dresser right in front of you and it’s decked in VIP badges from all the sports events Kaden has participated in. You can’t help it and stare at the place names; you’ve been to many of these yourself one time or another.

On the dresser are some of Kaden’s ski jumping trophies and you reach out to absent-mindedly let your fingers glide over the smooth, gold-colored metal. Somewhere in a storage unit not far away from here there’s a box with Matti’s trophies, maybe one or two of your own as well. You can’t even remember anymore. Or prefer not to. After his accident, you threw a lot of things out and never took a closer look at the rest again.

“Coffee?” Kaden looks at you from where he stands in the kitchen doorway and you quickly pull your hand back.

“Yes, please.”

You manage to pry your eyes away from the badges on the mirror and amble over to the sofa where you shove a gaming controller out of the way so you can sit down.

A few moments later Kaden re-appears, carrying a tray with cake and two cups of coffee. He places it on the couch table right in front of you.

“Sorry, about the mess.” He gestures towards the gaming console and a bunch of magazines strewn about on the floor. “Didn’t expect company.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Black, no sugar?” Kaden offers you the coffee.

You nod and take the cup out of his hands. “Thanks.” Why does he even remember that?

The porcelain is warm under your fingers and you lean back into the safety of the sofa cushions.

Kaden seats himself next to you. “What changed your mind and made you come here?”

Glancing at him from behind your cup you shrug. “Resignation.”

“You’re not even joking are you?”

“Nope. You wore me down fair and square.”

“Mhm,” he stuffs a piece of cake in his mouth and chews. “I heard you’re a writer now.”

You watch Kaden eat, jaw working, his face relaxed as he enjoys the food.

“Who told on me?” you ask and reach out for the plate with your own slice.

He sniggers. “My mother. When I said I met you in the parking lot the other day, she came running from the living room with a book. Your picture was on the inside of the jacket.”

Kaden briefly rummages among the magazines on the floor and holds up a novel.

Yes, that’s yours, you’d recognize that cover anywhere. And there’s a bookmark peaking out about half-way through, too.

“You read that old thing?” There’s a hint of anguish in your voice.

He shrugs. “Yeah, why not. I’m not that much into crime novels but I thought the setting was interesting.”

“Hm. The sports world was the only thing I knew. So I thought, why not spice it up with a bit of crime?”

“Do Canadian winters spiced with murder sell well in California?”

You are tempted to elbow him in the side but stop yourself short. “Yes, in fact, they do. Well enough for me to be offered to write an entire series.”

A spoonful of chocolate cake disappears into your mouth.

“There’s more?” Kaden whistles through his teeth.

“Yeah. This one’s the first. I – it’s kind of embarrassing.”

“You mean because we’re all clearly making an appearance in it? The whole gang from back in the day.”

“I guess.” Unwilling to say more about it you wash the food down with a swig of bitter coffee.

From the corner of your eyes you can see him look at you, one brow raised. Then his lips turn back into a soft smile.

“It’s a trip down memory lane. I like it.”

You nod, point towards the game controller. “I see you changed professions, too.”

Kaden snorts. “Ass.”

“Still jumping then?” you mutter.

“Sure. On my way to qualify for Sapporo. Gonna show them what I’m made of one last time.” His voice is full of confidence. There’s a sort of fight in it you know only too well and it makes you shiver.

Shit. You can’t talk about this. Won’t talk about this. You’re done with World Cups and trophies and sports competitions. Your jaw clenches and you briefly close your eyes. The cup in your hand starts to shake so you have to put it back down on the couch table.

And before you know it, Kaden offers you a way out.

“Do you want to play? Just a little bit? Like old times.” He grabs the controller from the floor and waves it at you. “Come oooon.”

You roll your eyes at him. In truth, you’re thankful for the distraction.

“Seriously?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Fine. But only for a bit. I have to go back home and prepare dinner. Mom’s still down from the medication and I promised to make some broth from scratch. It’s the only thing she likes and can keep down.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll be back home in time.”

 .

Kaden presses the power button on the console and TV; the game comes to life. It’s some sort of downhill skiing simulation as far as you take from the loading screen, and that involuntarily makes you snortle.

“What?! What’s so funny?”

“You train all day – you go out in the cold, the snow, for your jumps – and then you come back home to ski some more virtual snow in the virtual cold?”

“Yes! Okay. Maybe I am a bit fixated on winter sports. So what? Hm?” Kaden crosses his arms and gives you a most ridiculous mock-pout.

You’re laughing out loud by now.

“Pffff. I bet you’ll stop making fun of me when I win against you.”

“I highly doubt that,” you press out and wipe a tear from your eye. “Not you winning. The part about me ever not making fun of you.”

Kaden beams at you. He’s proud, you realize. Proud he got you out of your funk there for a second.

“Alright. Show me how this works,” you say. “This is definitely nothing like the computer games we used to play.”

 .

Oh dear. You really do suck at this. The last time you played was probably that dumb golf game on your friend’s Wii about 5 years ago when you were both bored half to death. It’s definitely fun, though, even if you mess up and Kaden keeps laughing at you. Maybe it’s fun exactly because he’s laughing so much. It’s infectious.

Then your phone beeps. It’s the ringtone you use for your mom. Damn. You put the controller down and look at the message.

“Shit. I have to go!”

“Hm? So soon?” Kaden looks up from the game and hits the pause button.

“It’s mom. She woke up sick. It’s those damn infusions. I really have to go.”

“Sure! Of course.” He nods. “I understand.”

His blue eyes are full of worry all of a sudden. He follows you to the door where you pull on your boots and slip into your jacket.

“Wait a sec,” he says, “I’ll get your plate from the kitchen. I think there’s still some cake left.”

You shake your head no. “Keep it.”

Already half way out the door you turn around to face him one last time.

“You bring the plate over some other day. Yes?”

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8  - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash​ @chicken-nugget-puta​ @yespolkadotkitty​ @songsformonkeys​

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #two/one #kaden #Kaden x f!reader #kaden x you #my writing #tw terminal illness #tw cancer #by yours truly #past/present/future #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one, divorce Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 3:

“The Deconstruction has begun / Time for me to fall apart / And if you think that it was rough / I tell you nothing changes / Till you start to break it down / And break apart.” – The Eels, The Deconstruction

.

You kick off your boots and place them on the old rag your mom has insisted on using for this exact purpose since you were a child. Your feet slip seamlessly into a pair of house shoes while you hang up your coat on the hook reserved just for you.

“Mom, I’m back!” you call. “They didn’t have the raspberry yogurt you like so much so I—“

When you enter the combined kitchen and living room area, you immediately fall silent. Instead of finding your mother propped up on the couch reading like you have left her, you almost bump into Kaden.

“There you are Anouk! We were waiting for you!” your mom chirps from the back of the room where she has fixed a cup of coffee for herself and her guest.

You stare at Kaden as if he were a ghost.

“Sorry,” he mouths at you.

“Kaden was nice enough to bring back our plate. He thanked me for the cake. So I had to tell him that the baking was all your doing!”

Your mom is on a roll and there’s no stopping her but you only hear half of what she is on about.

“So what were you saying about the yogurt, honey?”

You blink. “What?”

“The yogurt. What about it? You didn’t finish your sentence.”

“Yes. That. I brought some other flavors for you to try because they were out of your favorite.”

At this point Kaden silently offers to take the bag of groceries from you and puts it down on the counter.

“Thanks for the coffee Mrs. G. but I think I better get going soon. I still have training.”

“Ah well, now that Anouk is here, I can excuse myself for just a second. You wait right here, Kaden, yes? Please, it’s only going to take a moment. Then you can buzz off.” Your mother’s laughter is crystal clear and rings out through the entire room.

In passing, she pats Kaden’s arm and gives you a smile of the kind you haven’t seen in days.

As soon as she is out of earshot Kaden turns towards you.

“If I’d known you weren’t home, I wouldn’t have come. I wanted to call but didn’t have your number. I tried to excuse myself but she didn’t want to let me go without coming inside first.”

“It’s fine. I was just… surprised. I swear an hour ago she could barely get up from the couch.”

Kaden shrugs. “I have that effect on some women.”

“Oh shut up.” You bump him in the shoulder. “I think she’s just happy to see someone who’s not me.”

His blue eyes hold your gaze for a moment. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m happy to see you.”

“Hm.” You quickly look away, unwilling to engage in this kind of conversation with him.

And then your mother is back. She comes walking into the kitchen area, two books tucked under her arm. It’s nice to see her so enthusiastic about a little surprise visit. You have to admit that.

“Here,” she says and hands the books over to Kaden. “If you liked the first one, you’ll love numbers two and three. I promise. The third in the series is my personal favorite.”

You look up from the small piece of paper you were just scribbling on and roll your eyes at her. “MOM. Don’t force him to read my stuff, please.”

“I’m not forcing anyone to read anything. He said he enjoyed the first one! Isn’t that right?”

“Yes mam.” Kaden nods and gives your mom a conspiratorial wink. “But now I better get going.”

As you follow him to the front door, the tension in your body eases a little. You hate being under scrutiny from two people at once.

“Listen, you really don’t have to read these if you don’t want to,” you say softly, pointing to the novels.

Kaden smiles. “What if I’d like to read them?”

“Then don’t tell me about it because I don’t want to have to die of embarrassment.”

“Oh please,” he chuckles. “It’s just me.”

“Yeah, exactly. It’s you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Your mom calls from the living room and you gently push Kaden towards the door. “I have to go back, see what mom wants.” There’s a brief pause.

“Here.” You hold the note you just wrote out to him. “That’s my number. So you can call next time.”

 .

 .

The visit has cheered your mother up, and even if she is a bit exhausted afterwards, you now double your efforts to encourage her to see her closest friends. But she always brings up the same excuses why she can’t. More often than not you end up fighting, making it worse.

“Nobody cares if you’re in sweat pants mom. They’re your friends. They come for you, not the fashion.”

“But my hair… No. I don’t want them to see me like this.”

It’s tiring although you understand well that she is scared and ashamed.

“We could buy you a wig if you don’t like wearing a head scarf. I’m sure we can find something nice. Something that looks more like your natural hair.”

“I’m not wearing a wig! I’ll not be one of those ridiculous old ladies with fake hair! I don’t want them to think I am sick.”

“You are sick. Mom, please.”

The daily discussions and the increasing visibility of your mother’s declining health drain all energy from you.

The doctors say it’s not looking too good. She may not recover. Yet your mother still refuses to see her friends.

 .

You lie awake in bed at night, exhausted but unable to sleep. It’s at three a.m., in complete darkness, that the past comes back to you. It weighs on you like an oppressive blanket, choking the air out of your chest, constricting your throat.

The snowy mountains outside your window loom even in the blackness of night. You don’t see a thing but you know they’re there. They make you think about ski jumping which in turn makes you think about Matti. The accident. Sirens, an ambulance. You’re under the scrutiny of a hundred spectators. The doctors are by your husband’s side instantly. Barely a minute has passed since he fell out of the sky but he dies right there in the goddamn snow anyways. He leaves you. Not like he said he would but worse. You don’t know how to deal. So you turn away from everything you’ve known. Out of spite and out of fear you move to a place that doesn’t even know what snow is.

Now you’re back. Death is back.

You reach out for your phone on the night stand and switch it on. The blue light hurts your eyes for a second.

Last week, right after he had left, Kaden wrote you a message.

[Hey. Here’s my number. In case you need help with anything, call me. :)]

You have been staring at these few sentences almost every night, yet never responded. What would you even say to him? It’s been such a long time. It was a conscious choice to stay away from this place and its people to protect yourself. You feel you don’t have the right to throw your convoluted problems on anybody else’s doorstep, especially not his.

Eventually, you put the phone away and drift into a fitful sleep.

 .

 .

Meanwhile, a few houses down the road, Kaden sits at the kitchen table and traces the spider web of cracks on the broken screen of his phone with one finger.

He only needed to get a glass of water. Now he’s thinking about you instead. How he can’t leave you be. How he always comes back to the mystery of you ever since he found out that you’re back. But three a.m. is not the time to start a conversation. Is it? Maybe tomorrow.

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash​ @chicken-nugget-puta​ @songsformonkeys​ @yespolkadotkitty​ @phoenixhalliwell​

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #two/one #kaden #Kaden x f!reader #kaden x you #my writing #tw terminal illness #tw cancer #tw divorce #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Past/Present/Future

Warnings: tw terminal illness; death of a loved one, divorce Rating: sfw

.

Chapter 4:

“Each time you happen to me all over again.” – Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence

.

“I need some space. I’ll be back for dinner,” you say and storm out of the living room.

“Anouk, please. Don’t be like that!”

“No mom. I’m not doing this anymore. You told Clara she could come over for a cup of coffee and now you’re either going to call her yourself to cancel or you’ll meet her.”

You mother scurries after you into the hallway where you already pull on your boots.

“Please. You’re being dramatic, Anouk. Just call her for me.”

“No, I won’t. And I’m not being dramatic. I’m fed up. If you don’t feel well or changed your mind that’s fine. But I’m not going to un-invite a friend for you. You are perfectly capable of doing that yourself.”

Your mother keeps pleading with you nevertheless. “She’ll ask why and nag me until I give in! You know how she is! She won’t question you.”

“I said, no.”

You grab your scarf and jacket from the coat rack and wrap yourself up in them.

“If something is wrong you can call me. But I need some alone time. And you’ll respect that for the next two or three hours at least.”

You never hear your mother’s reply because the front door claps shut behind you. Hot tears stream from your eyes, blur your vision as you run towards the parking lot. Somehow you manage to find your car keys in your coat pocket and hastily unlock the doors.

For a while you just sit in the driver’s seat with your face in your hands and sob. It takes a few minutes before the tension eases a little. You draw a deep breath, wipe away the tears. It’s all just too much. Too much pressure. Not for the first time in the past few weeks you wish you were back in California. .

A knock on the car window startles you. At first you fear it might be your mother. It’s not. It’s Kaden.

Shit.

You roll down the window and glower at him.

“Hey,” he says and leans closer, looking inside the car. “I thought it was you in there.”

“Don’t you have a home?” You sniffle, wiping snot off your nose with your sleeve.

“Actually, I do.” Kaden points back towards the row of houses. “Funny thing, you know. I think it’s quite close to yours. Guess that’s why I keep running into you.”

You just stare him down, lips pursed shut.

He smiles back politely. “Move over.”

“What?”

Kaden makes a shooing gesture with one hand and repeats his request. “Move over into the passenger’s seat.”

“Why would I do that? It’s my car,” you snort and cross your arms over your chest.

“Yeah. It is. But you’re not driving it with the state you’re in.”

“Excuse me!? And who says I even want to go places? Maybe I’m fine right here in the parking lot.” That’s nonsense of course. You are not fine. Especially not in a cold car, crying your eyes out more or less in public.

“I want to go places. Once you find out where to, you’ll want to come along. Trust me.”

You gnaw on your lower lip. Give in to him or stay, risking that you mother might find you? Or worse. You could even run into Clara!

“Okay. But if you drag me somewhere dumb, I’m going to complain the whole time.”

You glare at Kaden once more before scrambling over into the passenger’s seat.

He gets into the car with you and holds out one gloved hand. “Keys, please.”

You drop them into his palm. “This better be good.”

“Uh-hu.”

The car starts and within the minute you’re on the road towards town. Thank the stars. At least he’s not taking you to that cursed ski jumping hill because that would be in the other direction.

“So where are we going? Or is that a secret?”

Kaden grins. “Take a guess.”

His fingers tap a rhythm on the steering wheel and he looks much too happy for your taste.

“The airport. So we can elope to L.A.”

“Nope. Would you even want that? Elope with me?” His little chuckles come out as bursts of foggy breath and he cranks up the heater.

“No. But I’d really like to get back home. One more fight with my mother and I’ll explode.” You turn away from Kaden to look out of the window at the snow laden trees passing by.

“Ouch.”

“How about a hint?” you mutter.

“We’ve been there before many times.”

You stay silent, thinking.

“When coach thought it was a good idea to put us on a healthy diet…” he adds.

You give Kaden a sideways glance. “That place still exists!?”

“Sure does.”

“Pizza still any good?”

He nods. “Yep.”

“You’re really taking me to Vito’s pizza place?”

“Mhm. Or would you rather like to go back now?”

This is a no brainer. “I don’t want to go back. I want to eat a giant pizza with lots of extra toppings.”

“I thought we get our fix and do it like old times. Drive out to the plateau to eat in the car. Top secret. Yeah?”

Kaden gives you a hopeful look, then focuses back on the road.

“Yes. Okay.”

Not that you would ever admit it but this the nicest thing anybody has done for you in weeks. Well, that and de-icing the car – which was also him.

“How long did you watch me sit in the car before you came up with that?”

“Five minutes maybe,” he admits. “So you had a fight with your mom?”

“Yes. Something silly, really. I think I just need some time away from her. It’s not healthy being cooped up in that house 24/7.”

“Yeah.”

The car turns right on Main and neatly swerves into the lot in front of the pizza place.

“Wow. They re-painted the front of the building,” you remark.

“Did that a few years ago but still kept the old “Vito’s” sign. I think his son is actually running the place now,” Kaden informs you.

You crane your neck to get a glimpse of the old neon sign shining in the afternoon twilight.

“Do you want to come inside? Or should I get the pizza?” he asks.

“I don’t know.” You take a look into the rearview mirror and press two fingers on the puffed-up swellings under your yes.

“I look like shit. You go get the food.”

“You don’t.” Kaden’s voice is almost soft now. “What do you want to eat?”

“Do they still have the special with the hot peppers and extra cheese?” Oh, just the thought of it makes your mouth water.

“They do. You stay right here, I’ll go hunt for the pizza. You like a drink with that?”

“A Coke. If we do a nostalgic pizza sit-in, we’re going to do it properly.”

Kaden beams at you and his smile tugs at something in your chest that you had buried away for far too long. You can’t help but mirror the expression.

“Thank you.”

 .

 After about 15 minutes Kaden comes back with a family size pizza and two Cokes. He dumps it all in your lap and steers the car to a little plateau that overlooks part of town.

The place hasn’t changed much in the last fifteen years, the asphalt is still cracked and patchy, the underbrush still littered with trash.

“Oh dear. It’s like in one of those old teen movies up here, isn’t it?” you say with a chuckle.

Kaden kills the engine and leans back in the driver’s seat. “Yeah. Only that we always came here to secretly eat pizza instead of making out.”

You sniff the air in anticipation, watching while he opens the cardboard box. The smell of cheese, salami and red peppers is in your nose, the promise of a delicious indulgence.

“Here. Ladies first,” Kaden says and hands you a slice of pizza on a paper napkin.

You carefully blow on the food to cool it down.

“Fuck, that looks so good.”

The first bite is even better than you remember, savory and aromatic. It reminds you of easier times. And so you happily munch on your treat while Kaden opens the can of Coke for you. He places it on the dashboard, then he digs into the pizza himself.

“I didn’t have one of these in forever either,” he mutters.

“Still a forbidden thing, eh?”

“Just like that cake you brought,” Kaden laughs. “I can make it up with some extra time in the gym, I guess.”

Working your way through the food, you suddenly look up and meet his eyes.

“I just realized you know everything about my pitiful existence in this town but I don’t know anything about what’s going on in your life.”

He takes a sip from his drink, ponders the question.

“I’m still training, still jumping - trying to make it to Sapporo for the World Cup. You know the drill. That and… well… My parents are getting a divorce. Dad turned 70 a few months ago and decided to be a bigger douchebag than ever.”

“Wow. That sucks. I’m so sorry to hear that.” You reach out for another slice of pizza, choosing one with an especially big amount of cheese on top.

“It’s not like I can do much about it. I tried talking to him but he’s convinced he is doing the right thing. Said he wasted too many years of his life already. Wasted. His words not mine.”

Kaden grimaces. He squeezes the can of Coke between his fingers until it caves in and makes a popping noise.

“I also met someone else from way back right about that same time. You know her, too.”

“Really? Another ghost from the past? Who?”

You can see the uneasiness in his face as his jaw locks for a second.

“Martha,” he presses out.

“Oh.” An ex. The ex.

Of course, you know about the break-up. Even if you were already gone before it all happened. News from home still travelled to you then.

“You heard what happened between us?”

“Yes. Not in detail of course but my mom told me you split up shortly after I had left for L.A. So-- you met her again after all this time?”

Kaden nods. “We didn’t really talk after the break up. I mean. I woke up one morning and she was just gone. Never said a word, just disappeared on me. Turns out -- she’s married now, has a daughter.”

“I see.” For want of anything better to say, you take a sip of Coke.

“She called me and we met up for coffee. I don’t know what I thought. It felt like a date to me but then in the end she’s like, “Sorry, I’m married.” I knew that. Wasn’t a secret really. Still, I somehow expected something else; I felt like an idiot.”

You frown, wipe your hand on a napkin and reach out to rub Kaden’s shoulder. “You’re not an idiot.”

“Should have stayed away. Instead, I called her again to invite her to my dad’s birthday party. As a friend. She declined of course. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

When you touch him again, he looks up and smiles weakly at you.

“It gets worse. I went to see her one last time in spite of all that. She was at the playground, having fun with her daughter. Her husband came to bring her a cup of coffee out in the cold. They all had a good laugh together. Then she looked right at me. We stared at each other from across the street for a moment and she turned away as if I didn’t exist. That was it. I’m a goddamn idiot, Anouk. No matter what you say.”

There’s a brief pause.

“At least I have closure now. Maybe that’s what I needed.”

You still caress his shoulder when Kaden shakes his head and turns away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump my problems on you as well. You’ve got enough on your plate already with your mom.”

“Oh hush. I asked what’s going on, didn’t I?”

Because you don’t know what else to do, you wrap another pizza slice in a napkin and hand it to him.

“Here, that won’t solve anything but it’s delicious. I can vouch for that.”

Kaden laughs. “Thanks.”

Eventually, you lean back against the headrest of the car seat and stare at the roof.

“I know it sounds stupid but - two people who love each other very much aren’t necessarily a good team. I know me and Matti weren’t. We were bad at being together. I mean really bad. In the end we only ever hurt each other. And when he died I couldn’t cope with the fact that I was so incredibly sad and yet at the same time had that weird sense of what I can only call relief. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me.”

“That why you left?” he whispers.

“Yes. That and I didn’t want to do any of it anymore. The sport, the pressure, the competition. I was done. Being in somebody else’s shadow wasn’t good for me. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I needed to carve out something entirely new that was only for me, so I started to write, started all over again.”

You take a deep breath. “Want to know a secret?”

“Sure.”

“We were getting a divorce, too. Matti and I.”

“Are you serious?!” Kaden stares at you in disbelief. “You, you always seemed so…”

“Happy? Yeah. No. We decided to keep it under a lid until the season was over. So the reporters wouldn’t be all over it. So Matti could do the World Cup Series in peace. And then the accident happened.”

“Fuck. I never knew.”

“Nobody did,” you admit quietly. “Nobody was supposed to know.”

Kaden is still looking at you; you can feel his eyes scrutinizing your face for clues of what to say.

“We’re both not so very good with letting go of the past, eh?” It’s a quip, his tone of voice suggests but there is truth in it, too.

Still, you take the cue to lighten the mood.

“Oh, you mean because pizza – or food in general – is not exactly a healthy coping mechanism for past mental trauma and stress? It’s true. I’ve been in better shape,” you say and squeeze your thighs for emphasis.

Kaden shakes his head. “I think you’re beautiful. Brave. And strong, too.”

Oh fuck. Why does he have to say these things right to your face with such blatant honesty? You feel the heat rise to your cheeks and bite your lip just so you don’t say anything stupid now.

Before either of you can continue the conversation, your phone makes an excited noise.

“Ah, shoot. That’s my mom’s ringtone,” you mutter as you unlock the screen and tap on the message.

“Everything alright? Should we go back?” Kaden sounds worried.

“It’s – an apology, actually. But yes. I think it’s time to go home anyways. I suppose I have made my point to her.”

.

The drive back feels much shorter and you spend it in a state of comfortable silence. Instead of staring at the scenery outside the car window, you steal little glances at Kaden. His eyes are fixed on the road but now and then they wander to look at you for the fraction of a second.

When the car is parked eventually, you gather the used napkins, the pizza carton and Coke cans together. Kaden opens the door for you and relieves you of the trash which he dumps in the garbage cans in front of the house.

The two of you walk close to each other this time and when you reach his front door, he gives you a smile.

“That’s my stop.”

“Thanks for today,” you say earnestly. “And for everything else as well.”

Then you turn to leave but at the last moment you stop in your tracks.

“Kaden?”

“Hm?”

You really want to say something more but the words stick to your suddenly parched throat.

“Goodbye hug?” he asks.

All you can do is nod before you’re caught up in one of those bear hugs you remember only too well from the past. He almost lifts you up from the ground and you just close your eyes and enjoy the warmth, arms wrapped tightly around him.

When he eventually lets go, your phone beeps again.

“Jeez. Mother. I’m almost home.”

Kaden laughs. “You better get going. And hey, if you are in trouble again…”

“…I’ll call. Promise.”

.

.

——-

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10

——-

Taglist: @chellestrash​ @chicken-nugget-puta​​ @songsformonkeys​​ @yespolkadotkitty​​ @phoenixhalliwell​​ @kaelyn-lobrutto24​

Please let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the taglist! :)

You can also read this fic on AO3.

#boyd holbrook #kaden russell #two/one #kaden #Kaden x f!reader #kaden x you #my writing #tw terminal illness #tw divorce #past present future

[ithinkwehitametaphor]

Challenge: List the WIPs you promised you'd update, and why you haven't yet

Thanks for the tag @cheesybadgers and @acourtofsnakes❤❤❤

There are only three real WIPs I have atm. I'm not counting the stuff that's exclusively going on in my head. :D

1. Past/Present/Future (Kaden Russell x female reader)

I am 1300 words into chapter 7! :D But it's going slow. Mostly I don't have time due to work and when I do have it, I'm trying to relax so the cycle can start all over again come Monday... I am generally a slow writer and I can only really write when I am in the mood, there is time and it's also best if I am alone. In other words, if you stress me irl I cannot write. T___T

2. The Sandwich Chronicles (unmarried Steve Murphy x female reader)

This is really more of an episodic thing now as the main plot (get together) is done. So I'd say it's half a WIP? I still have an idea for one more chapter. An outline exists and there are about 300 words written so far. I need to finish Past/Present/Future first before I can go on with this. Tbh that fic is most important to me atm and I fear I will lose drive if I do other projects first.

3. High Maintenence (Javier Peña x Steve Murphy, Narcos)

Technically, still a WIP. We left our two favorite DEA idiots after they finally confessed their feelings for each other in chapter 9. There is, however, a chapter 10 (1200 words already written) in my WIP folder. After I felt like the main issue (when will they admit to their feelings) was resolved I worked on WIPS 1 and 2 of this list to get a lil break. Heh. And now I first have to finish Pas/Present/Future first. :D Sorry.

To conclude this self-reflexive piece, here is a hopefully realistic plan for writing on my WIPs is this:

1. Completely finish P/P/F. 2. Finish chapter 10 of High Maintenance and leave it as potentially the last chapter with an option to one day come back to it and explore some more tropes. The fic can be read as a concluded story but will leave a few things open on purpose. :3 3. Write that last installment of The Sandwich Chronicles. I will then probably leave it a that then. But as this is episodic now it at least leaves an opportunity to come back to it whenever I want to without having readers suspended in forever unfinished fic limbo. :)

No pressure tagging: @yespolkadotkitty @holbrook-boyd @songsformonkeys @autumnleaves1991-blog @absurdthirst @claveldelaire and whoever wants to do this

#wips #why did you make me reflect on this lol #i admit it was helpful :D