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automatismoateo · 8 months

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Church kids are the worst kids via /r/atheism

Church kids are the worst kids I know title isn’t for every single church kid I just liked that it rhymes lol. This just is something that bothered me forever because once I lost faith around 15y/o nd others in the church found out, I was treated differently as if I was less than the other youth kids. I literally never even did anything I just went to school and did my work. I wasn’t mean to anyone and didn’t have the desire to do what they taught not to do. Now I am in my early 20s now and have people I know who still go to the church so I still hear the tea. The rest who are around my age are still praised and even the actual kids of the pastor are so disrespectful and outright disgusting. One of them in their early 20s (I was a teen) literally dated a new girl who was 13… of course it was her that got kicked out because it was her fault she was with him… Everyone knew and of course no one cares. The guy also literally bullies other members telling this other girl she’s dumb for what she’s studying in college (he’s not even in college), he’s called me fat and another girl fat before…etc. this one girl is freshly 18 and 2 of the pastors kids are actively trying to get with her and yes everyone knows they literally talk about it (this is happening NOW). One of the girls in high school (went to the same school) literally smoked and hung out with bad people yet at church she would show up acting as she’s so perfect and mature it’s so cringe. We were told we should be like these other youth members for being good Christian’s. Another youth member (20s) literally sexually assaulted my friend who was freshly 18 at the time, he left the church then came back and was told by the pastor it was okay he is forgiven by god. 2 teens were caught smoking inside the church in which the church was renting because they don’t have their own and the owners caught them on camera and the church was in trouble. It’s been years since I have gone but it’s insane that I still hear these things still happen. There’s still so much that goes on and when I was going I was always told I should be like these when I knew the truth. I knew what they were doing. And they knew some things still too! Not saying that things like dating (prohibited dating outside the church and in general for the youth) and smoking is so wrong but it’s so hypocritical they look down on someone like me when they do exactly what they are told not to do and yet I am the bad person. I’ve heard so many other stories of other church kids in other places who just are the biggest hypocrites and it just is so crazy knowing they do everything knowingly what they’re taught not to do and they’re the “good Christian kids”. What are your experiences if you have any??? Submitted September 05, 2023 at 10:58AM by unbecomingbaby (From Reddit https://ift.tt/DkgyPNT)

#reddit

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moremercurial · 7 years

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so what i’m about to write may be triggering for a lot of people and also it is going to be L O N G so i’m going to do one of those below the cut deals. if you feel triggered by content relating to weight and/or eating disorders, don’t read! also the things in this post are just my personal feelings about myself and do not reflect how i feel about others/how i think ANYONE should think. xxoo

So anyone here who either knows me well in real life (there are a few of you) or happen to read my personal rants relating to this that I post from time to time in times such as this (1. can’t believe i just said “time” that much, 2. “times such as this” refer to me going through a crisis when everyone i trust deeply is asleep and I NEED to get it out of my system) knows that I have a lot of issues with my body. i am fat. i am not tall and I weigh over 200 pounds and every time i think about it i want to scream.

lately i have had trouble sleeping bc there is a literal voice in my head repeating ‘you’re fat; you’re worthless” over and over and over again. I go to bed full of anxiety and remorse thinking “tomorrow is the day i eat better.” Literally EVERY Single night. And EVERY day without fail i eat something “bad” or outright binge. and the cycle repeats. i am not exaggerating.

i feel like it is because i’m weak. all it would take for me to be thin and feel desirable would just be to not eat the shit i’m eating. AND YET. I DO IT. and then i go to bed feeling angry, wake up determined, lose my resolve, eat something, then anger again. i’m so, so tired of it. i just want to have a normal relationship with food. i just want to live my life and not CONSTANTLY be thinking about food, what i’m going to eat next, how much i’m craving something.

the other thing is i’m feeling increasingly more and more self conscious around my friends. i want to take fun pictures with them but i see the pictures and literally feel ill because they’re concrete proof that i’m fat and unattractive, which sometimes when i have good makeup or am wearing a flattering outfit, i can temporarily will myself to forget.

and being around my thin friends kills me. i have a friend who is gorgeous, thin, pulls off amazing outfits yet INSISTS she’s the ugliest person to walk the earth. my friend who doesn’t work out just walks around the building on break and stays fucking skinny (i ALSO walk around the building on break but i continually get fatter??? so not the best fitness plan for me I guess). i have a friend who is a literal tall, blonde, thin goddess who constantly puts down her own body in front of me. like i get that everyone has body issues and see themselves differently than see others (it’s literally what i’m doing right now lol). but it’s things like when we’re at the gym and she’ll lift her leg up and be like “LOOK at all this cellulite it’s so disgusting” when a. it’s barely visible and b. i won’t ever wear shorts in public anymore, even to the gym bc i don’t want anyone seeing my own. she thinks she’s mortified at her cellulite and LONG faded, barely there, just-from-puberty stretch marks when she walks around in nothing but a sports bra and shorts in front of me while i probably will never let anyone see my stomach in the light again because it’s so hideously scarred from the last three years of getting fat. these aren’t ~proud tiger stripes~ on thick thighs, or from bringing a baby into the world. they never stop growing and are a constant hideous reminder of my own failure. if anyone ever wants to sleep with me again (seems unlikely at this point) i’ll be having sex in total darkness because i can’t bear to have anyone see.

this friend will say things like “i wish i could tuck my shirt into these high waisted jeans, but i need to lose 20 pounds first” like you say that in front of me about yourself........would you say that to me? if i wore a cute tee with jeans and tucked it in, would you say “sarah i can see your belly in those, untuck that right now, you need to lose 20 pounds before you can pull that off?” are you saying no girls your weight and above should be tucking their shirts in? i know she isn’t, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.

she constantly talks about how she “forgets” to eat, or she’ll say how little she’s eaten as a low-key brag and i just want to descend straight into the earth. everyone at work constantly talks about drinking after work to cope with stress and i feel odd thinking that i never drink alone — until i realize me stuffing my face alone at night is the same concept.

just last night i was out for a fun late-night, post work dinner with her and one of our other thin, beautiful friends and after my meal i was really feelin some pie, because i know this place has good pie. so i order some (with the fucking ice cream because of course). there’s multiple spoons. i ask like three times if they want any; they shake their heads and look at eachother. conversation drops off and they just sit on their side of the booth, staring at me, while i eat the pie. i start to feel really embarrassed; like oh the entree wasn’t enough for the fat girl she just HAS to have her pie, while her two pretty friends sit in front of their unfinished plates and inwardly cluck their tongues. by the time i got halfway through i was basically choking down the pie but i was panicking inwardly and didn’t know how to handle my fear and shame and anxiety besides — surprise!!!! — eating frantically. *insert the dennis reynolds “i’m eating because i’m very uncomfortable” meme here*

yes, i realize that i was just projecting my own feelings onto this situation (please don’t fucking lecture me about that or anything else in this post, for that matter) but i still felt ashamed. sick.

i’ve struggled with bulimia on and off for years but had recently quit purging cold turkey because i didn’t want the throwing up to further damage my throat, as i’m taking singing lessons. but today i couldn’t handle it. something in me cracked. i ordered a massive amount of food from dominos, inhaled it, and then purged. I like solemnly walked to my room, put on chopin, put up my hair, and purged until i literally thought i was going to pass out. i literally still have spots of petechiae all over my face from the strain of vomiting.

i’m just so sad. i’ve been continuously putting on massive amounts of weight for 3 years and I want to scream. i get constantly lectures to “think of my health” as if i WANT to be this way. next week i’m visiting my parents who haven’t seen me since new years (when they put me on weight watchers for the third time which as you’ve probably guess i’ve COMPLETELY failed at using) and i just can’t help but think how disappointed they’ll be that i’m no thinner than I was four months ago. eating in front of them, especially my bird-thin mother, is going to be more torturous than ever. i’m ashamed to see my friends and have them look at me this way. i like wearing cute clothes because it’s like the only thing that makes me feel like i look acceptable enough to be seen in public (because beautiful blonde best friend wears sweats and mom jeans to work and looks amazing but if i, the fatgirl wore them i’d be branded a slob) so i want people to notice THAT but also desperately don’t want to be seen like this. i meticulously do my hair and makeup every day because i feel like if i can make THOSE things look good, maybe people will be fooled into thinking i’m a pretty girl.

everyone is going to see this and tell me “but even if you lose weight you’ll still be unhappy!” and probably so. but I feel so horrible. I need the weight to come off. even when i had low self esteem times in the past i was never at the point where i literally became ashamed to eat in front of friends, go outside without a sweater or shawl even in the texas heat (because god forbid anyone see my horrible tree stump arms), or even THINK about wearing anything that doesn’t completely shield my stomach from view or have an a-line waist. i’ve always thought of myself as “curvy” but now i’m literally just obese and feel nauseated every time i think about it.

i just want to crawl into a hole and do nothing but drink broth until i feel thin again. once again i’m about to go to bed feeling worthless and saying to myself “tomorrow’s the day.” please someone give me the strength to NOT EAT SHIT FOR ONE FUCKING DAY. i could literally solve this problem by NOT spending money and effort. so why do i have it. why why why.

finally, i’ll say it again, this post doesn’t reflect how i feel about other people. i do not think other fat people or people of any size are invalid or unwanted in any way. i don’t see those things when i look at them. but my already increased bad body image mixed with my friends constant comments on themselves when they KNOW they weigh 50-100 pounds less than me, mixed with my failure to sustain any kind of weight loss plan....it’s just all collapsing in on me at once. i just want to feel beautiful and wanted by someone. not beautiful “for a fat girl”, just beautiful. i want my parents not to be “worried about my health” and give me concerned looks. i just want to eat food and not have intense emotions attached to it, just eat food without thinking “this food is a Bad Food” and “i’m being good eating this” as if food has built-in morality.

i want to disappear big time. maybe tomorrow will be the day after all. maybe i’ll eat balanced meals and not carb and cheese loaded Death Plates. i can only keep hoping.

#tw eating disorder #tw weight #those are the only tags i'll put because i did warn everyone and make a cut for this and whatnot #personal #text

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