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#just needed to let this off my chest even though it doesn‘t make any sense
tippitytap · 8 months
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alright, i need to ramble about something incredibly niche and specific to me that it probably won‘t bother anybody else. but.
being online too much, specifically being in this fandom too much, seriously fucks with my head sometimes. i already have a really hard time trusting my own head because during bad weeks, eighty percent of it is filled with intrusive thoughts that aren‘t true anyways. i‘m slowly learning how to not believe them, how to recognise them and anchor my trust in other things. but i‘ve only started on this process and i have twenty-two years of habits to unlearn, so it‘s gonna be another while before i‘m at a good place i think.
in the mean time, i‘m still going to struggle with my own perception of the world. most times, i don‘t know how to correctly judge a situation or completely misjudge something. my confidence in myself is completely shattered because i can‘t trust my own thoughts, and so i‘m very careful about making quick and harsh judgements about others, especially in online spaces where all i know about the person are a profile picture and a display name. i screenshot a lot of things and send them to my friends to ask for their opinion, to ask for reassurance and test out where my current thoughts lay and how much i can rely on them. and i don‘t ever call someone a term unless i thought it over at least 150 times.
others, as i‘m starting to see, don‘t think things over 150 times. they don‘t seem to think it over once, and sometimes they straight up lie about it or purposefully use a term that they know is not correct. to put this abstract statement into context: i just saw someone on twitter compile a list of „haters“ (their words) because these „haters“ expressed that louis is not on top of the priority list for going on tour and if they had to choose, they would choose someone else over louis. apparently, that is enough to warrant the term „haters“ and statement sentences like „they are louis haters as they choose others over louis.“
now, i‘ve seen plenty of others calling this person out and telling them that they‘re being ridiculous. which might also be the only logical thing to do, but it definitely wasn‘t my first reaction. my first reaction was to think „shit am *i* secretly a louis hater? have i just made it all up in my mind? am i a horrible person?“ (you get the picture) which might also seem ridiculous to you, fair enough, but if i hadn‘t seen those other people calling them out and explaining how that is not a fair conclusion to make, i think i would have spiraled a lot further and maybe even ended up convinced that i actually was a horrible person and i‘m just manipulating everyone into thinking i love louis. now think about what would happen if this was about something more serious than petty fandom fights.
i‘m fully aware that this is a me problem, and as stated above, i am working on it. i also have a wonderful support system with my friends and i know when to take some time away from being online. but still, i‘m sitting here, wondering, if it really is necessary for others to be so quick in calling names? because you can‘t tell me making a list of people and purposefully calling them „haters“ (when they probably knew fully well how it‘s not the truth) wasn‘t intentional? why do people feel compelled to lie so much? do they seriously not know that lying about these things can seriously fuck someone up and just don‘t care, or have they never taken a second to think about the power and range of their own words? because some people who were on that list were able to laugh it off, but if i had been on that list? yeah, no, i don‘t even want to think about the spiral that would have started. or what would have been at the end of that spiral for me.
i can‘t even remember anymore where i was going with this, but just. ocd and intrusive thoughts suck so much, and they affect fractions of your life and your self that you can‘t even begin to imagine until you actively live it yourself. i just wish that the one thing that has brought me so much joy over the years, a community that praises itself on being a loving and accepting community, would actually be nicer to each other and treat each other with respect. not everyone is equipped to brush things off, so many people are a lot more vulnerable to manipulation and gaslighting, and i wished that at least fandom could be a bit more gentle with it. i guess not though.
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firerose · 3 years
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The sea
Feedback is apprechiated ;)
Percy was happy. The giant war was over, he was studying with Annabeth so
they could move to new Rome soon. He was happy….. until it happened. 
The thunderstorm should have been a warning, a sign that the lord of the sky was angry but unfortunately Percy was tired of having to deal with the gods so he chooses not to notice it. He cursed himself for that later. 
He had stood up early that morning, awoken by another dream about the hell he and Annabeth had gone through. His mom had already been in the kitchen and he was greeted by her with a warm smile.“ Bad dreams?“, She had asked softly. Percy had only needed to nod and she pulled him into a warm hug. He loved her hugs, he loved that she had forgiven him for being away for so long, he loved his mother for everything. She was the reason the sea inside him was calm.
“Thanks, mom I just wanted to get some fresh air.“, He had told while departing carefully. Percy was grateful for her but he still did not want her to worry too much. If he had only known that this was the last time his mom would hug him, he would have stayed in her arms forever. 
Percy had taken his jacket and walked outside and then………
Thunder, a white light crashing down behind him throwing him forward with the price.
He lay still on the street while people around him ran out of their houses screaming in panic. 
Percy‘s body was burning, he felt blood running down his forehead but all he could think about was his mom who had been exactly where the explosion went off.
The police later assumed that a lightning strike had hit the apartment by accident but Percy knew better. He was brought to a hospital even though his burns were only small. 
He had insisted that he wanted to stay.“Please I have to see if my mom and my stepdad are okay!“, He had begged the paramedics but they did not stop their attempts to get him on the stretcher.“The fire brigade will find them kid. Everything is gonna be okay“, One of them promised but Percy saw in her eyes that it was a hollow promise. His heart ached in despair and when the doors of the ambulance closed tears fell down his cheeks. 
The proof came when the police visited him after the doctors had checked him. They looked devastated, of course, no one wants to tell a son the message that his pregnant mother was dead. Percy took the news with a small nod. He could not do more not even cry. He had been through so much that maybe this last thing had broken something inside him. He could not believe that they would do this, that they would kill his mother after he saved them. His thoughts wander to Paul and his unborn baby sister that he has lost as well and the sea in him slowly starts rising. 
Annabeth soon heard about his suspicion  She stormed into the small hospital room, her face tear-stained. He immediately wrapped her in a hug like it is her that is going through this tragedy.“Percy…...I…..I‘m so sorry.“, She sobbed.“It is not you fault wise girl….he did this.“, Percy claimed and he is surprised by the deadly calmness in his voice.
Annabeth looked at him in confusion but then she understood. Her eyes widened in shock.“No…... Percy……..he wouldn‘t……..“ She tried to say but her unbelieving in her own words stopped her. They both know Nico Di Angelo and they both know his mother died. Percy felt the waves crashing again his chest, he felt them threatening to burst out and so did his rage.“ Come on Annabeth you know Zeus. He is an arrogant asshole who just cares about himself! I fought years for the gods, I went through hell for the gods and now they… they.“, he wasn‘t able to speak anymore, there was too much rage boiling up inside him. He finally processed what happened and the sea in him roared with a desire. A desire for revenge. Annabeth pressed herself closer to him in comfort. She is scared, Percy‘swords scare her and yet she knows that there is nothing she can say to help him. She just hoped that she wasn‘t about to lose him. 
Percy was grateful for his girlfriend but he knew that he couldn‘t stay. The longer he stayed, the more his body was trembling and the sea roared louder.“ I want to talk to Zeus. Now.“, He told Annabeth could. She let him go her eyes full of something he never saw in them before.
Panic.
“ No Percy that is not a good idea! If he is targeting you then yelling at him would be a great excuse for him to…….. hurt you.“, She answers logically as always but her tone fearful. Percy can‘t help but feel angry at her words.
“I‘m not scared of Zeus and if he wants to kill me he is welcome to try! My mom did not deserve this you know that as well as I so don‘t try to stop me!“, He nearly yells and he departs from her quickly. The storm in him screams in agreement and he looks forward to setting it free, Annabeth hated herself for making him angrier. She loved Sally too so why doesn‘t she support Percy? What did Zeus or any other god ever do for her? A small voice whispers that she just wants to keep him safe but she can also do that against the gods. She gently grabbed his hand and gave him a weak smile.“Okay just let me come with you.“, She pleads and Percy feeling a warm thankfulness for her calming his waves a bit, smiled back. 
The man behind the desk looks at them in shock when they enter the building..“You shouldn‘t be here.“, he claims, his voice sounding a bit concerned. Percy felt cold amusement washing over him.
He killed scarier monsters than this old man. He takes out his sword without a second thought.“ We are exactly where we need to be now let us talk to Zeus or I will try my sword out on you.“, He threatened and did not notice Annabeth‘s worried glance.“You should listen to him! He once took down giant you are no match for him!“, Annabeth‘s voice sounded just as dark as his but she just wanted to keep Percy from doing something he would regret later. The man‘s eyes were stuck on the blade then wandered to Percy‘s eyes as if those could burn him.
He moved back a bit uncomfortable.“ Alright I‘ll let you up.“
Percy felt a sense of victory letting the water rise again. It pushed through his veins and when they entered the small elevator his body tensed from the power it made him feel. The gods would pay for taking his family. They would see what happened if someone pushed him too far. Maybe some days ago he wouldn‘t have felt this darkness but a few days ago he also had a mother. He was overtaken by memories, of her soft voice, her laugh and her hugs. He wondered if it would make her sad to see how angry he was but she certainly was also sad to be killed there was no difference anyway. The memories hurt but they also foiled his anger. 
Percy and Annabeth walked down the way to the god's council in silence. The minor gods and nymphs whispered and pointed at them, their eyes worried some even pitiful. They all knew Percy‘s story and they all feared him.
Only Zeus and Hera were in the throne room  When Percy walked in his eyes immediately landed on Zeus who glared at him in outrage.“HOW DARE YOU COM HERE?!“, The Lord of the skies shouted in fury but Percy did not even wince.  Instead, he glared back.
"How dare you kill my mom?!." Percy spat back. Zeus only looked annoyed but the others gods looked at each other uneasily. Zeus shook his head like he wanted to get rid of a nasty fly.
" My boy, there are things that you don't understand. I'm sorry about your mother but sometimes cruelty is necessary to prevent worse.", Zeus explained and Percy felt as if he had been punched in the gut. How could this all immortal god talk about an innocent woman death like that? He felt disgusted at Zeus rising and Annabeth spoke it out.
"Sally Jackson was a mortal woman! How could she have been any danger to you?", Annabeth asked her voice full of angry disbelief."Well it was more about her child than her, "Hera responded and maybe there was a hint of regret in her voice.
" Silence wife!", Zeus told her harshly but Percy's blood already froze."You.....you killed her because of me?", He asked fear numbing his fury. He hoped that he had just heard wrong but he was the only child of Poseidon so they could only mean him. Zeus sighed as if this whole situation bored him."Apollo gave me a prophecy that said that she would have a child with Poseidon that could end my sign that is all you need to know." Zeus said defensively and a dam in Percy that held back the growing stormy sea finally broke. Zeus had killed his mother because of a prophecy? 
Of course, gods always sed prophecies to harm others,
Percy balled his hands into fists his ears ringing." That is your excuse? you were scared so you just killed my pregnant mother in front of me? She was going to have a baby. She was happy and you killed just because of your god complex!" Percy accused Zeus, his voice trembling with anger. The waves were rushing through his veins and he can feel it in the veins of Zeus and Hera as well  Not as much but it was there flowing through their veins like calm waves. "I told you you would not understand now leave before I make you Perseus.", Zeus commands but that only makes Percy turn to him. 
Persues...
His mother called him that because she wanted him to have a happy life...
Percy slowly opens his hand his senses searching for a certain source of water. When they find it Percy feels a tug in his fingers. He smiles darkly at Zeus."I think you underestimate what I'm capable of my lord. you really should have killed me instead of my loved ones.", Percy muses and he follows the tug by moving his hand forward, pushing back the waves in Zeus body. The god looked stunned for a moment even confused but then his body god thrown back so that his head smashed against his thrown. The stone cracked and Annabeth gasped in shock together with the other gods." Percy!" Annabeth yelled terrified at her boyfriend's power. Percy couldn't hear her. He could only focus on Zeus and how he was held in place by an invisible force his force. He wondered how much he could hurt a god.
He moved his hand to the side and Zeus growled in anger as he tried to resist the painful control he was under. Percy took a deep breath he was not sure what too now should he let Zeus go? Should he show the gods mercy? Then he remembered his mother and how she had died in a fiery explosion. He looked into Zeus blue angry eyes and he calls for the water in the god's throat, His hand makes a gesture like he was strangling someone and immediately Zeus grasps his own his gasps for breath was music in Percy's ears. He feels Annabeth shaking him begging him to stop with sobs in her voice. Hera watches the situation as if it was a very interesting movie. She was not at Percy's side but seeing the man who cheated on her so often be choked to please her too much to interfere.
Percy loved seeing Zeus so helpless, he loved when his other hand made the gods nose bleed with golden blood. Zeus looked in much pain and Percy loved every second of it." Now you know what it feels like to be a demigod. It's painful and you wish that the suffering would end but it never does. How do you like that?", Percy jokes and closes his hand a bit more. Zeus face turned red his eyes nearly popping out of his skull."Percy stop....please stop." Annabeth pleads and there is something in her voice that makes him hesitate." Sally would not want you to do this!", Annabeth said her voice shaking in horror. The words echo in Percy's mind and painful guilt helps to dim his inner flame. What would his mother say if she could see him right now? He was harming others with his powers just like Zeus had. 
His rage dies down like the sea after a long storm. He opens his hand and lets go of Zeus blood. The god nearly fell off his throne as he gasps for air. Percy still felt satisfaction at that sight. He turned to Annabeth who held onto his arm, her face pale from what she had seen." I'm sorry Annabeth.", He said and he really meant it. He shouldn't have scared her like this, he should have just told her not to come with him. Annabeth gently squeezes his hand. She understood Percy#s anger and she even shares it but she still prays that he will never lose himself to his power ever again. Zeus had regained his strength and his eyes blazed with electricity." YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS!", Zeus yells but Percy only felt a surge of frustration at those threats. After all that had happened to Zeus, he was still a god that was full of himself and would not learn anything from this. Percy looked at him coldly." No, I will not. Haven't you learned what happens when you make me angry?" Percy asked dangerously calm. He felt tired of all this talking and especially Zeus. He took Annabeth's hand and left as he suspected no one tries to stop them. The sea in his body has calmed down again but Zeus who is watching him from his throne can tell that he has changed. The sea can start raging again any moment and maybe it was Percy that the prophecy referred to. Maybe he  will be the end of the gods after all.
@emilydaughterofapollo @perseusjackson-jasongrace @incorrectinfinity, @reading0mens @fictionalnormalcy
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kny-imagines · 5 years
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burning [me], burning [you]
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dedicated to my dear friend @kimetsu-no-yaiba-imagines (sending lots of love and support your way! pls survive your internship!!) and my wife @knybits who likes to cry about tanjirou a lot!!
special thanks to @knyimagines for being my mental support as i cried blood while writing this.
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↬ sum;
you smile a lot, but it never reaches your eyes. kamado tanjirou, however, has the sweetest smile you’ve ever laid your eyes upon.
↬ ch; kamado tanjirou x gn!reader
↬ genre; angst; fluff
↬ warnings; none (except slight angst LOL)
↬ words; +1.8k
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You smile a lot, but it never reaches your eyes. 
You weren‘t always like this, you recall. Years ago, buried somewhere deep in your memories, you were as carefree and happy as a bird. You soared above skies, looked down the vast scenery and felt like the ruler of a kingdom beyond imagination. But soon reality caught up to you and ripped your wings off your back. Before you knew it, you were flying headfirst into the ground.
 "Demons" you had heard them say. „Poor thing. Losing their family like that." 
The scars still burn, but you never show it.
____
You first meet Kamado Tanjirou in April and he comes in like a wild spring breeze.
 He makes a huge commotion with his appearance, and soon all residents of the Butterfly Estate are all over him. You don‘t pay him much mind; it has always been your preference to stay uninvolved with others. „Stay out of my business and I‘ll stay out of yours". That had always been your policy and so far everyone seemed to have gotten the silent note. Everyone except Tanjirou. 
“_____ you always smile, but are you happy? You seem so sad...” he asks one day after you you had brought him his meal. 
This aggravates you. You didn‘t spend years building the perfect facade just for some random guy to break it all apart. You excuse yourself and leave. It‘s cowardly, but you feel like staying with him in a room any longer might make you lose your composure and you don‘t want that to happen. You may have locked away your feelings, however, you still have pride.
____
Avoiding a guy like Kamado Tanjirou is hard. Like the wind, he comes fluttering in and before you know it you‘re surrounded by him. You know he means well whenever he tries to spend time with you. Maybe that‘s why he irritates you so much. You can‘t see a single trace of malice on his face and that scares you. You don‘t want nice things in your life. They only give you a false sense of security just for them to disappear again. They exist to give you a taste of happiness and even the worse aftertaste of loss and failure. You already had your share of pain and you‘re certainly not looking for more.
Soon enough you learn that Tanjirou is a very stubborn person. Subtlety doesn‘t work with him and even when you tell him bluntly that you don‘t want his company he completely misinterprets your words and bothers you the very next day again.
“Nezuko is very important to me,” he tells you one day. You're both sitting outside the porch and you pretend not to listen, yet he continues. “She's very important to me, but so are my mother, my father, and my many beloved younger siblings. I grieve their deaths, but I know I have to live my life to the fullest for them” 
You stay quiet and decide to play with the hem of your long Kimono sleeve instead. A red thread has come loose and you rip it off. Tanjirou doesn't say anything anymore.
____
Tanjirou has a sweet smile. Honest and warm - unlike yours. He‘s well-liked by both low-ranked demon slayers and pillars. Someone as bitter as you has no place next to him, you believe. He belongs somewhere up in the skies; He‘s the sun himself. You, on the other hand, belong hidden deep inside an abandoned tower. But even so, he seems to look for your presence. You push him away, he pulls you back - it‘s a never-ending game you‘re not sure of how to stop. (You don‘t know if you want it to stop.)
When you're both together, neither of you talks much - and if anyone talks it's always Tanjirou. He usually just rambles about his day, tells you about his friends and all the crazy things he had done. You would never admit it, but around him, you feel like you can put off your mask for a little while. 
“Your voice reminds me of the gentle sounds of wind chimes. It has a nice ring to it”, you mutter a little too loudly for your comfort. Seeing Tanjirous apple-red cheeks and beaming smile makes it all worth though.
It's when you're about to doze off in the sun as Tanjirou fondly brushes your hair aside, your anxieties rush back in. Tanjirou had gotten closer to you than anyone was ever supposed to. The ice around your heart had slowly begun melting and all your alarm signals were ringing. Your head hurts. Your scars burn. You hate feeling this way.
Letting people into your heart means losing them, you‘ve learned that much by now. So you do what you‘re the best at: You shut them out.
Your eyes shoot open and you slap his hand away. Your heartbeat quickens and you try to get as much space between you and him. You don't even dare to look him into the eyes - you don't need to look to know what expression he must make right now. The silence lies heavy; You walk away.
____
The next days you try your hardest to avoid him, but it's much more challenging than you had anticipated. In the deepest of your heart, you had hoped for him to get angry at you - not to openly seek you out so much. 
“That's enough.”
It's the first you've spoken to him in weeks and you're surprised by how calm you sound. (It's only a facade: Your hands are sweaty and your heart wants to jump out of your chest.) 
“Let's stop these fake games. I've had enough of this childish nonsense.” 
The whole world is spinning; You're getting dizzy. 
“I don't want you around me anymore, it's honestly such a pain. You don't really mean this, do you?”
“I don't understand-” His voice is trembling. “Please let me understand-” 
You don‘t want to be understood. You just want to be left alone. If you can‘t fly up high the skies anymore, you‘d at least like to be left alone in your ivory tower. Your voice is dripping with malice. "Stop bothering me. It's getting creepy.”
It all falls apart (like most nice things, you muse). It‘s your fault and you know it, but the pitiful person inside of you tries to reassure you it‘s for the better; It‘s to protect yourself from hurting. You know you shouldn't turn around, but you do it anyways and immediately regret it. Seeing his pained expressions sends a bullet through your heart. Walking away burns. You've hurt him. You've hurt him and now you're paying the price. You don't look back anymore.
____
During the night your scars burn the most. Memories of a happier time leading to a painful night come rushing back in and leave you screaming in agony. You wake up to a dry throat and a body covered in cold sweat.
The wooden floor is cold beneath your feet and brings you back to reality with each step you take. Nights like these aren't uncommon, but you never truly get used to them. Your body still shivers like the first time and your heart still beats so quickly, that you'd prefer it if you could just rip it out with your own two hands. Maybe then life would be easier.
Whenever breathing becomes a hassle, you escape outside. The wind howls and you can hear raindrops falling. There‘s something nostalgic about the wind and you let out such a bitter laugh that it hurts your dry throat. 
Regret? You don‘t regret turning a gentle spring breeze into a distant wind. It‘s better this way. It has always been. 
But the rain keeps getting louder; everything is so noisy, so annoying. Everything hurts. Your back burns. Your eyes burn. Your head feels dizzy. Your mind is clouded. 1000 things are happening at once and your head screams at you for being unable to process them. You just want to forget. Forget what it felt like to be close to others, what it felt like to be vulnerable. 
It burns. So you drown it. Your lungs burn, but your scars burn worse. There‘s a scorching pain in your back and no matter how much you engulf yourself in water, it always comes back, taunting you for your weakness.
You don‘t know what‘s more painful: Drowning yourself or coming back up to gasp for air. In the back of your mind, you can see your parents, but their faces are always blacked out. You‘ve disappointed them again.
And then Tanjirou is suddenly there. His features seem to be glowing underneath the moonlight and his hands look blurry and soft when they reach out to you. He takes you in his arms and carries you through the rain. 
There are many things you want to tell him. You want to tell him that you‘re sorry. That you meant none of the things that you told him. That he‘s the only one who made you feel like you‘re flying again and that it just made you so terribly scared. That you‘re just a scared person in general. A coward. 
But you‘re so, so tired and your mouth is too dry to form any coherent sentences. So you just cling to him and cry.
____
This time you wake up to sunlight and a weight on your stomach. Though the weight disappears as soon as you shift around on your bed and instead you‘re greeted with deep magenta eyes. “
Tanjirou?”
“Yes?”
“I‘m sorry.” 
He smiles and your eyes start to water again.
____
His hands are a bit rough but feel gentle against yours. 
“Your scent was always so faint, it almost felt like you were on the verge of disappearing. I suppose this made me curious, but I don‘t regret it.” 
Tanjirou has always been gentle. Gentle back then and gentle right now. 
Words are still too difficult to use sometimes, so you do what comes naturally to you and kiss his hands. You kiss his hands, his arms, his neck, his chin, his cheek, and his forehead until he takes your cheeks to stop you.
If Tanjirou‘s smile would be the sun, then his cheeks would be the sunset tinted in pink. Staring into his eyes makes you feel like you‘re drowning all over again, but it doesn‘t bother you. You close the gap and pull him with you under. 
With each kiss, the ice around your heart melts and you drown even deeper. You‘re floating in a sea of water that was once ice and you‘ve never felt freer. When both of you pull back, Tanjirou smiles and you smile back.
____
You lost your wings a long time ago; Every now and then the ache of your scars remind you of that. Yet Tanjirou's gentle wind carries you up high and makes your heart soar again. 
[Finally, your mask crumbles and gets carried away by his spring breeze.]
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formerprincess · 6 years
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A tale written with fangs and claws || Chapter 15
Chapters: 15/? Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken Characters: Liam Dunbar, Theo Raeken Additional Tags: Alpha Liam Dunbar, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, Dunbar Pack, Bisexual Liam Dunbar, Werewolf Theo Raeken, Alpha Theo Raeken, Canon-Typical Violence Series: Part 1 of Morning Dew Pack Tim and Mike get introduced into the world of werewolves and the pack dynamic. Will they accept it or will they stay omegas?
Since Tim had come to them in his search for help, he had become a constant and Liam considered him pack. The others probably did too, they just never said it out loud. It was all so new for the freshly bitten werewolf and he gave even Mason a run for his money when it came to asking questions. One video chat with Corey and Mason had been proof of that. He asked questions nobody else ever asked (What happens if a werewolf is fully shifted and their fur gets dyed in another color? Does it change the hair color too e.g.) and Mason had been baffled and then asked why he never asked those questions. It was the call that made Liam doubt his best friend’s sanity and the call that had Liam worried Theo would die from laughing so hard. It was a good look on him, head thrown back and body shaking with laughter while he tried not to fall from the bed, and Theo looked absolutely gorgeous, but Liam was still worried the chimera forgot how to breathe. He didn’t thankfully. But he kept on teasing Tim for all those questions because truth was, Tim was strange. 
Had he come off as shy and insecure the pack soon came to the realization he was that but when he was around them, he started to get more and more at ease and lost his stiffness. He had his own sense of humor and told them that he always had been considered the odd one. His siblings were all extroverted, popular and good at many sports and Tim was…not. He rather read than played ball, liked sci-fi movies and superheroes instead of football or soccer and he liked to wear a beanie and shirts with geeky prints than any classic outfits. Since he was the youngest, his mother tended to be afraid he would break, mother-henned him and when Tim realized that, he paled. “She would freak if she knew I was a werewolf now. Probably wrap me in bubble wrap and never let me leave her sight or she would drag me to her book club so her friends and she can help my poor soul.“ “Is your mother a church lady?“ Theo asked. “No, more type soccer mom, you know? And I’m the only kid who doesn’t fit her picture-perfect suburban family. Now even less than before“ “Suburbs, of course. Let me guess, you have a white picket fence and all?“ Sadie mumbled. Tim nodded. “We are the epitome of suburban family life.“
So, Tim integrated himself into the pack better than Liam even expected. His soft personality made him very nice, harmonic and good to work with, and it gave Liam an idea. When the pack gathered next time, he shared it with them. “Tim, you and Mike were bitten by the same Alpha. You have a pack bond, even though he is an omega currently. Maybe that way we can get him to accept help from us.“ Tim blanched. “I don‘t know if he wants to talk to me. We never had any talk outside the stable. He dragged me out and then dropped me. He‘s scary.“ “Scary?“ Maya said amusedly. “I wanted to sit with him one and he growled at me. That was even before we got bitten.“
Sadie scoffed. “I did some research about him. He’s Michael Archibald but goes by Mike. No friends, just a few of the goths or whatever they call themselves he occasionally hangs out with. He mostly sticks to himself and given the rumors it’s probably for the best. Prone to get in trouble and some even say he was sent to jail once.“ Liam grimaced. “Don’t believe such rumors, they are nasty.“ “But maybe they are true.“ “At the school I attended before I came to Beacon Hills High, I trashed my coach’s car. Given the rumors about me at that time, I was also arrested and when I transferred schools they also said I had been sent to jail.“ Liam told her calmly. “You can only make your opinion when you talked to the person and heard the facts. And in this pack, we don‘t judge.“ “I know but that guy? He loves the bad boy vibe. He‘s digging it.“ “So is Theo and yet if you get to know him you notice he is a cinnamon roll.“
Theo had been about to pop a chili cheese nugget in his mouth and stopped mid-air. “I’ve never been more insulted than right now.“ He muttered dryly and Liam smirked and winked at him. “And you are the opposite or what? You look like a cinnamon roll but can actually kill someone?“ Theo sarcastically asked and Liam’s grin widened. “You know me.“ He replied. “And you are a cinnamon roll and one of the biggest dorks I know.“ “Those love declarations are sickening.“ Maya muttered into her strawberry milkshake, causing Maya and Sadie to laugh hysterically. Liam just eyed the witch and she grinned and innocently blew a kiss at him. Liam rolled his eyes but smiled.
He then bit into a chicken wing. “Full moon is in a week.“ He announced and the mood turned somber. Sadie and Maya still battled their wolves and it was not easy for them, and Tim was generally afraid of his first full moon. “We have to talk to Mike or need a foolproofed plan B.“ “Wasn‘t the plan to corner him? So let us find him and corner him.“ Sadie was pragmatical. “If that doesn‘t work we keep him in check during the full moon, if he wants or not.“ “We?“ Liam parroted. “Sadie, you, Maya and Tim will be at the stable with Nolan and Isaac, al chained up because having Mike and you running around is the worst case. So it’s just Ever, Theo and me and I would rather have another plan than that.“
“Maybe you got your chance right now because look who just walked in.“ Ever said and nodded towards the entrance where indeed Mike stood. He looked at the menu and had not spotted them yet. The pack moved without further arrangements. They all got up and slowly inched closer, Liam in the front. When Mike spotted him it was already too late, Maya and Sadie yielding the doors to cut off his escape way. The new wolf growled in defense. “What do you want?“ “We just want to talk to you. Nothing else.“ Liam said, trying to calm him. Mike growled again. “I have absolutely no interest in talking to you.“ “Listen, Mike, you already noticed that you have changed. You are still here, that means the bite took and you are a werewolf, just like us. The full moon is coming up and you need to control your shift or else it will be chaotic.“ “I am not taking part in this whole shit show! You have no idea what’s going on with me, so stay away from me! All of you. Live your life as the strange little cult you are, have full moon orgies or whatever the fuck it is that you guys do and screw you! Literally! Or each other, I couldn’t care less!“ He snarled and for a moment his eyes flashed gold. He turned around and walked over to the door Sadie was guarding. The blonde growled too and the two of them stared at each other. Liam nodded. “Sadie, let him go.“ She huffed but stepped aside and he walked out. She looked at Liam, eyebrow raised. “That was successful. Not what?“ And frankly, Liam had no idea.
****** “We could kidnap him, similar to what Kira did with me. But we would need a distraction for that. Or we could…No, that would be way too brutal….But maybe…“ Liam was pacing in his room, lacrosse ball in his hands he absentmindedly played with while he was thinking all possibles scenarios through to get Mike to trust them enough to spend the full moon with them.
“Am I allowed to jump into this deep conversation you‘re having with yourself?“ Theo leaned against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest, and he smirked at Liam who groaned. “Stop smirking, I was just thinking out loud.“ “You talked to yourself. You only do that when you can‘t solve a problem and think real hard about it because it deeply bothers you.“ Theo was good at picking up small details, Liam had noticed that in a very early stage after Theo moved in with him. He noticed small quirks from Liam and commented on them, mostly something that embarrassed Liam to no end. Now he groaned and ran his hands over his face. “I’m just…“ He ran his hands through his hair and then crossed them at the back of his head, stretching himself lightly. “I don‘t know what to do.“ Theo‘s eyes snapped up from where they had landed on the sliver of skin Liam revealed when his shirt rode up while he stretched, and he shrugged. “There isn’t much you can do. It’s either the nice way or the brutal way. If he doesn‘t go willingly we have to restrain him or he will be dead meat sooner or later.“ Liam knew Theo was right but he really hoped they could go the soft way. “Only three days until the full moon. Time is running out.“ “I tried talking to him today but he dodged me again. I get Sadie’s desire to punch him.“ Liam chuckled dryly. If that was the way to go, Mike would hate them even more. His stomach grumbled, making it impossible for him to think clearly. “I’m craving Chinese, what about you, T?“ “Chinese sounds good, let‘s go.“
They grabbed their jackets and soon were on their way to the Chinese place but stopped at the small supermarket at the corner to buy some things they needed. It wasn’t much and they didn’t even need a basket but when they walked to the cash register, they were caught in an argument between what supposedly was the manager of the store and Mike. The new werewolf was dressed in the same uniform as the other guy so he probably worked here and was arguing with his boss. Liam and Theo shared a look. The chemo signals coming from Mike were angry and sour. He was pissed at his boss and rage was boiling inside him. An incredibly bad feeling for a newly turned werewolf who knew nothing about control. And when Mike got into his boss’s face, snarling and claws already out, Liam interfered.
He yanked Mike back so he could get between the human and the supernatural. “Mike, stop!“ He said, eyes glowing red. Mike’s own eyes were flashing gold and he hissed but his instincts told him not to mess with the Alpha. He moved away slightly and Theo used the chance to grab him by the arm and yank him outside. Liam followed. Their errands were long forgotten at the register.
Outside Theo had dragged Mike into the alley next to the market. “Calm down!“ He snarled at the struggling wolf. Mike growled at him and Liam cleared his throat. “Enough!“ He told both Betas firmly and they actually listened. Theo let Mike go and he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest in a defensive stance. Liam used his chance to speak again. “Mike, I know you don‘t like us and it’s completely fine. You don‘t have to. But that in there? That was your wolf. It‘s harder to not lash out when somebody pisses you off now. I know the struggle. And that‘s why you need our help. You won’t be able to learn control on your own. So, I’m pleading you again, let us help you.“ Mike grimaced unwillingly. “I don’t need your or anyone’s help. My boss is an asshole anyway. He deserves someone punching him in his stupid face! I am not like you freaks!“
Liam sighed and wanted to say something but Theo put a hand on his shoulder. “Let me.“ He asked and Liam looked at him and nodded before stepping back. Theo stepped forward and addressed Mike. “I know you don’t want help. You think you’re independent and don’t need anyone and believe me, I was like that too once. This can only work until a certain point, trust me. Been there, done that. I watched you. You are a very logical person and you like working with computers, right? So let‘s watch this from a logical point of view, shall we? You know something has changed in your body. You have seen your eyes flash, you probably saw your fangs and you feel the rush and back in there? You were pissed off but you didn‘t mean to explode like that, right? If we had not been there, what would have happened? Would your boss be dead now?“  Mike stayed silent and Theo continued. “Look, I know you are not a bad person. You took Tim with you on the first night, even if you didn’t know him. You cared about a stranger, so I know you’re not as bad and as independent as you want us to believe.“ He watched Mike closely. “Caring and trusting people is scary, I know. But if you think that inside was bad, then wait three more days when the full moon comes out. It will be worse and you will either hurt yourself or others. Is that what you want?“ And for the first time Mike answered. Not with words but he shook his head, yet kept his arms crossed and his whole body still in a defensive state. “Look, let’s make a deal. You don“t have to be part of our pack but let us help you with your control. You come to us, we teach you how to control your wolf and that‘s it. If you learned control, you can walk away again. Do it for yourself. Is that a fair deal?“ He looked over his shoulder to Liam who nodded.
Mike looked skeptical. “What do you get out of this deal?“ “The affirmation that you’re not killing anybody.“ Liam chimed in and this time it was Theo who nodded. Mike seemed to think over his options and then he sighed gravely. “Where do we meet?“ He asked, his voice still quite snarky and passive-aggressive. Liam still took it as a good sign and told Mike it was the same stable he had woken up back then and when they would be there. Mike nodded curtly and then left, leaving Theo and Liam behind.
Liam smiled gratefully and nudged Theo’s shoulder. “Thanks. I think you really convinced him.“ Theo shrugged and put his hands in the pocket of his jeans. “I just told him the truth. He reminds me of myself after I came back from hell. Alone and without any ties, you know? I told myself I don’t need anybody too but truth was, I was lonely.“ He grinned. “Until a certain puppy showed up at my truck.“ Liam rolled his eyes but smiled. “I just hope Mike makes the same experience you did. That a pack is better than being alone.“ “Depends on the pack. You know I never felt included in the McCall pack and that was my own fault. But our pack now? You’re my family.“ “Aw, you can be so soft! That’s why you’re a cinnamon roll in those situations.“ Theo sighed and rolled his eyes, rubbing his forehead. “Why do I even bother with you?“ “Because you love me!“ Liam cheerfully declared. Theo looked up and gave him a strange look. Liam had no idea what to make out of this and he usually could read Theo very easily. But then the chimera turned around and walked out of the alley. “Come on, puppy, I’m starving!“ He called over his shoulder. Liam frowned but the hurried up to catch up with him.
****** The full moon was here and the pack met at the stable. Sadie and Maya looked tense like they always did, Tim looked downright terrified, and Mike was missing. “He promised he would show up.“ Liam said and checked his watch. Mike stepped into the table in this moment, hands in his hoodie. “I’m here. And now what?“ He eyed Nolan and Ever who were currently chaining up Maya and Sadie and he took a step back. “No way! I’m not some dog you can chain to a wall!“ “Right. You’re not a dog, you’re a wolf. And you will need those.“ Theo told him. “So come on, no need to prolong this even further.“
Mike still looked suspiciously and as if he wanted to run but he stepped next to Tim. Tim smiled shyly. “Hey.“ “Don‘t“ Mike cut him off immediately. “I’m just here so I don’t turn into a killer, I’m not here for any fake friends or whatever it is that you call yourself. So just let’s sit here next to each other and survive this madness.“ “Wow, you know how to make small talk, huh?“ Sadie snapped sarcastically from Tim‘s other side. “Listen, Victoria Secret, I didn’t want this happen to me! I didn‘t ask for it, I didn’t beg for it, I just wanted to get fresh air when that psychopath jumped me. And I am here to not make this worse than it already is. I’m a werewolf now, a freaking werewolf. They were never my favorite supernatural beings and they aren’t my favorite now. So just let me live in peace and do us all a favor and keep your mouth shut!“ “Victoria Secret can kick your ass if you insist! You can‘t talk like that!“ Mike just scoffed and didn‘t reply anymore. His face stayed stoic when he was chained up and he only broke when they sat down and waited.
„Okay, now what? Do we light a candle and talk about our deepest feelings?“ „No, we sing campfire songs and braid each other’s hair.“ Theo replied without looking up from his phone. Liam tried but failed to hide his laugh at that. Theo grinned when he heard Liam laughing.
Mike rolled his eyes. “Good that you can laugh while we are chained up like animals.”
“We turn into animals!” Maya growled. “What part of shifting didn’t you get? Just wait a few more minutes and...” She cut herself off and groaned. It was starting. She whimpered and lowered her head. The others started to get restless too and they pulled at the chains. Nolan, Ever, Liam and Theo settled a few feet away and watched them. Liam really wished he could do more but he was in the best distance right now. They could not get to them and he could still talk to them.
“I know it’s terrifying what you feel right now and so overwhelming but you need to fight against it. Your urges tell you to scratch and bite right now but you can be stronger than that. Just focus, okay? All of you, focus on staying human.”
The wolves moved more and got more restless by the minute. And then Mike threw his head back and howled while his eyes glowed gold. Next was Sadie who also howled and then Maya. Tim seemed to not allow himself to howl, which surprised Liam a tad. He had thought the softest of them all would have the biggest problems with fighting with the wild animals inside him. But even if Tim was relatively calm in the beginning, he soon pulled at the chains too, snarling and snapping, making grabby hands at the unchained members of the pack. 
“You need to find your anchor! Whatever it is, focus on the thing that keeps you human. It can be a person, a memory, a feeling, everything is good as long as it anchors you to humanity. Try it! Search for it and when you have it, focus on it!” Liam coached his Betas but he saw them struggling and he knew tonight wouldn’t be the night they found their anchors and gained control. He still didn’t stop coaching them through the whole night. It’s what an Alpha does. 
When morning finally came and the moon disappeared, the wolves slumped on the ground, all breathless, sweaty and exhausted. Mike leaned against the wall and panted. “You didn’t say it would be that freaking hard!” He complained when Theo unchained him. The chimera shrugged.  “Would you have believed us?”  Mike shook his head. “See?” Theo said. “That’s why we wanted to have you here and watch over you.”
Mike rubbed his wrist when the chains were gone. “So now what?” He inquired and watched the others regenerating from the night. Liam stowed the chains away. “Now that you know what happens during a full moon, we have to find your anchor. That will take some time but that was part of the deal.”
“What’s your anchor?” Mike asked. Liam scratched his cheek. “First it was my first girlfriend Hayden. Then Hayden moved and I temporarily lost my anchor. Then, due to various circumstances, it was fear - not a very good anchor by the way - but it soon turned into an annoying know-all chimera who constantly followed me around and made sure I don’t kill people.” He grinned at Theo who scoffed. “Should be more grateful!” “Yeah, yeah. Well, after the war I realized how deep my connection to Theo ran and how good he was at keeping me at bay. Not gonna lie, having a person as your anchor is easier because they can talk to you and ground you. If you focus on a feeling or a memory, it’s all you and more difficult but still manageable.” “Didn’t feel manageable last night.” Tim chimed in and rubbed some pressure marks on his wrists to get the blood circulating better again. “Nobody said it would be a walk in the park. But like Liam said, you can manage it. Because one thing I already learned about all four of you: You are stubborn.” Theo said.  
“And that is your plan? Chaining us up every full moon and hope that one day we will find our anchors?” Mike frowned.  “Course not. You need to learn about werewolves and the supernatural.” Liam said. “So now we start werewolf 101. But first, go home and sleep.”
****** Werewolf 101 started a day after the full moon and it started with all of them huddling around the living room in Theo’s and Liam’s apartment. Ever was the last one and carried a bag inside the apartment. She said it down and puffed out a breath. 
“What’s in the bag?” Tim asked curiously and the witch opened it and sat a jar with black ash inside on the table. A jar with violet flowers was placed next to it and then followed a twig of mistletoe. Sadie and Maya grimaced and leaned back. Ever held up the mistletoe. “A little herbal guide to show you guys what is dangerous for you. Mistletoe, as you can see here, is as poisonous for werewolves as it is for humans. Stay away from it.” She put the twig away and opened the first jar.
“This is Mountain Ash. If placed on the ground it forms an insuperable barrier for all supernaturals. You can’t cross it, so this is a very good idea if you want to trap a supernatural. Strew it over the threshold of a room or a house and the supernatural is locked inside.” She put some of the ash on her hand. “I’m a witch, so I can touch it.” She explained when she saw Tim and Mike frown.  “Theo can touch and cross it too since he is a chimera. A chimera was made and doesn't count as a real supernatural creature, hence why Mountain Ash doesn’t affect them.” Liam added to Ever’s explanation. Mike reached out to take some of the ash on his hand and hissed when it burned his skin. “Don’t touch it!” Liam warned again. “This is serious, guy. You have no idea how small a room can become when you can’t leave it. Buildings can be made out of Mountain Ash also. If you are inside such a building, you will feel sedated and get weaker by the minute. So be careful, okay?”
Ever put the ash back in the jar and dusted her hands off. Then she raised the jar with the flowers. “Wolfsbane.”
“This is probably the most dangerous thing for us.” Liam said pointedly. “Wolfsbane exists in yellow wolfsbane and purple wolfsbane, as far as I know, and the yellow wolfsbane can even kill an Alpha. Hunters use it in all kinds of variations. Petals, powder, liquid, whatever you can think of. It’s absolutely lethal to us and even affects the chimeras.” “I suffered from wolfsbane poisoning a few weeks ago. I was sick for six days and they weren’t sure if I survived at all. I know nothing from these six days, so this is really serious.” Theo told Mike and Tim and both nodded. Even Mike seemed eager to learn about this and now groaned.   “There is so much that can harm us.And you said hunters. I know Nolan here is also a hunter as well as this Chris Argent guy but I guess there are other hunters out there as well.”
“A lot.” Liam said in a low voice. “How should I put this? There are hunters who do nothing else than hunt supernaturals. Because they think we are abnormalities and need to be vanquished. Then there are hunters like Argent who follow a code and only hunt the ones who kill people and hurt innocents. The thing is, everyone can become a hunter and Nolan, Theo and I witnessed first-handed what happens when normal people get recruited by hunters. And suddenly your friends, teachers, even family members turn into your enemies.” “Seriously?” Tim asked and all three mentioned young men nodded. “It wasn’t good.” Theo simply described it. “Yeah.” Nolan said and gulped.
“That’s why it is so important to not expose us, okay?” Liam reminded his pack. “Whatever you do, never shift in front of people unless you have no other choice and I really wish that you always have a choice. Nothing is worse than stepping into school and everybody staring at you as if you are a monster simply because they saw you wolf out. I made this experience, I don't need my Betas to do it too.”
“Maybe that’s the point where I should mention how insanely brave and strong Liam was in that moment. He got beat up and despite his eyes flashing a few times he didn’t shift and let us beat him up. In hindsight, that was probably the first time he acted like a real Alpha without being one.” Nolan praised Liam and he shrugged embarrassedly. “I did what I had to do.”
Ever raised both eyebrows. “Did you say let us beat him up?” She questioned and Nolan shrunk in his seat. “I was manipulated and really thought he deserved it!” He defended himself. “I know how wrong it was and Liam forgave me.” “I did indeed.” “And Theo threatened to rip my spine out and beat me to death with it if I ever do something like this again.” “I threatened you to rip your spine out and strangle you with it if I remember correctly.” Theo mumbled with a thoughtful look on his face. “Oh yeah. Right.” Nolan drawled. Theo grinned smugly and Liam rolled his eyes at his friends’ antics. “Always so protective.” He mumbled. 
“Always for you, puppy.” Mike laughed. “He calls you puppy? Really?” “Sometimes.” Liam chuckled. “Theo is good at assigning nicknames, you will find that out when you’re longer around him.” Mike scrunched his nose. “I’m not a fan of nicknames. Friends call me Mikey but that’s about it.” “So nobody calls you that?” Sadie asked in a sweet voice and Maya jammed her elbow into her side.  Mike just glared at her. “Don’t try to be funny, princess, that’s not your strong suit.” “You have no idea what my strong suits are.” “Can’t wait to find out. This will be fun.”
****** "But what if a wolf gets their fur cut and then shifts back. Would their hair be cut too?” “Seriously, Timmy, what are you smoking that you think of these questions?” Maya asked with a laugh. The pack plus Mike hung out at the skate park. Mike had rolled his eyes when they met at the park but somehow ended up trailing behind them. He claimed not wanting to get associated with the pack but Liam figured the other must be as lonely as Theo said he would be and subconsciously searched the pack out. Theo had done the same in the beginning, so he didn’t pressure Mike or made any comments regarding this. He just accepted it and was happy when Mike showed up. 
The young Alpha looked away from his pack and over to the ramps where Theo was currently skating. Liam smiled as he watched his friend spin his board, do jumps and some other tricks. Theo loved skating and Liam loved watching him, seeing the happy look on Theo’s face and enjoy the fact how good his anchor looked in his dark red shirt and the black jeans. 
Liam gasped when Theo missed a jump and fell from the halfpipe and hit the concrete. “Ouch, that hurt.” Maya mumbled and then continued to eat her popcorn she had brought along. Liam sighed and got up to walk over. 
“Did you break something?” He inquired and kneeled next to Theo. The chimera held his leg and looked unhappy at his scraped up knee. “I always botch this trick!” He complained and glared at the halfpipe. 
Liam took Theo’s arm and black veins sneaked up his own arm. “Whoa, what are you doing?” Tim asked from behind.  “I’m taking his pain. All werewolves can do that with some exercise. You just need to really care about taking another person’s pain. To be fair, the pain transfers in your body so please be warned.” Liam explained and looked up. Mike watched them also quite surprised. “I didn’t expect us to be able to do something.” He confessed after a while. “So we all can do it?” “It’s not easy.” Theo told them. “I struggled with it too so don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work in the beginning. It’s tricky.”
“Yeah but the simple possibilities that we can do something like this is just great, okay?” Mike smiled for probably the first time since Liam met him and it made the Alpha smile slightly too. Despite his rough behavior, the other cared and was a kind person. Another thing he and Theo had in common. They both shared a lot in general and since Theo found out Mike like working with his hands too, they both could be found in deep conversations about cars or mechanics or whatever. Liam had no real idea because that was so not his topic but he counted it as a good way to integrate Mike into the pack. And that’s what would be the perfect outcome of this deal.
They still had a long way to go, Mike was more stubborn than Sadie in the beginning and for every time Liam thought they made progress were at least two events or remarks that threw them back again. Liam didn’t like it but just like Theo, Mike didn‘t go well with being pressured into the pack. He liked to roam around alone for several days, none of the pack seeing him or if they saw him they just got a curt nod, but then he came back for the full moon or joined them when they hung out.
He even agreed to teach Tim how to play basketball when he mentioned playing. It ended with Tim staggering over the field and falling more often or getting hit by the ball than not; which proofed that just because you got turned into a werewolf, you didn’t gain any athleticism. Liam felt bad for laughing but Tim had looked like a young deer learning how to walk.
It was a weird combination but Liam figured if that led to somewhere at least, he would accept that. If Mike was there, it was good; if stayed away it was also okay. And Mike wasn’t the only one he needed to worry about and keep an eye on as it seemed. It was Sadie who alerted him to another problem. And as usual, she did it in her Sadie way.
Liam had finished a workout in the campus gym and had just exited the shower, towel slung around his waist when the blonde Beta barged into the room. “I need to talk to you!“ Liam blinked at her and then looked left and right. Thankfully they were alone. “Sadie, boys‘ locker room!“ He reminded her with a squeak and she simply waved him off. “There is nothing I haven’t already seen.“ Her eyes raked over Liam‘s half-naked and still wet form. “I mean not from you personally but you get the gist. Don‘t be shy, you have nothing to be ashamed off, I’m sure.“ Liam narrowed his eyes and his hands twitched to cover his junk area even though he was still wearing a towel. “I need to talk to you, Liam!“ “Not when I’m just wearing a towel!“ “Oh, come on. Even if I look, nothing will fall off, no need to be worried.“ “Turn around! I’m not getting dressed in front of you!“
She huffed and Liam made a circular motion with his finger and finally, she spun around and played with her hair. Liam shuffled around and dried himself off when he was sure she stayed with her back turned to him. “So, can I talk now?“ “I’m all ears.” “It’s hard to know when I can’t look at your face.“ “I’m listening.“ Liam said and grabbed his boxers. “Really?“ Sadie slowly turned and Liam hissed. “Stay put!“
She sighed but then stayed turned around. “What would you do if you think you witnessed something bad happening to one of your packmates?“ Liam had slipped into his boxers and put the towel aside to grab his socks. “You think you witnessed something? How is that possible?“ “Well, I happened to see something and I’m not exactly sure what I saw but it wasn’t something good.“ “I don‘t understand a thing.“ Liam put his jeans on. “You can turn around now.“
Sadie spun around again, blonde hair flying around her shoulder while she did so. She grinned when she saw his still naked upper body and Liam rolled his eyes. “Sadie, what did you see?“ “Did you notice Tim has a lot of homework and essays?“ “Yeah. Some people do it for extra credit. Not everybody is a freaking genius, my fashionable Beta.“ Because Sadie could measure with Lydia when it came to fashion but also IQ. Both were a genius and solved equations faster than any other person Liam knew.
“Tim is almost as good as I am in academics. Those are not works for extra credits. And today I witnessed Tim and some other guys, I think they are from one of the frats around, and Tim handed one of them several neatly written papers. The guy told him he expected good homework.“ Liam blinked, trying to piece this together. “Hold on. You’re saying Tim does the assignments for other students? Well, probably not the best way to learn something but if Tim is willing to do the extra work for some extra money, that’s his thing.“ “That’s the thing, Liam, he didn’t get any money for it. The guy just said he expected good work, Tim said he tried his best and even made some mistakes to not make the teacher suspicious. The guys said if he kept that up they would consider inviting him to one of their parties and left.“ Sadie shook her head. “Liam, we all know Tim doesn’t have any friends. Could you imagine being so desperate that you do other’s assignments in exchange for some social life?“ “Sadie, what you’re saying are strong accusations.“ “That‘s why I wanted to know what you would do? You‘re our Alpha/big brother, I didn’t know who else to ask.“
Liam sighed. She was right and what she told him sounded serious. He had wondered why Tim looked so tired sometimes and why he was putting up so much work. Sadie’s explanation sounded logical. “I’m not sure he would confess if we directly ask him about it.“ “Maybe we don’t have to. One of the guys reminded Tim he still needs something too and Tim promised him to finish it until tonight. I know where they want to exchange.“ “I’m impressed. You‘re giving Sherlock a run for his money.“ “Nah, I’m just good at eavesdropping.“ Liam pulled his shirt over his head. “Okay, then we will meet tonight and find out what this is all about.“
****** “I feel like a spy in one of those old movies.“ Ever mumbled happily while she and the rest of the pack (minus Mike) waited in an alley for Tim to show up. They had arrived earlier and moved there to a corner that gave them the possibility to see what was going on at the meeting point Tim had set up with the other guy. “Really? I feel like a hooker hanging out here.“ Theo replied to that. “And then we have this negative asshole.“ Ever replied, making Sadie and Maya chuckle. Theo grinned. “What? You rather meet a hooker in dark alleys like this than a spy.“ “Are you talking from experience?“ Maya curiously asked. Theo grinned. “What do you think?“ “What was your daily rate?“ She joked. “50 Bucks for a bj.“ Theo continued the joke. “That’s cheap, even for a hooker. You obviously weren’t very good then.“ Liam said thoughtfully and Ever tried to cover her giggle with a sneeze but failed miserably. When she looked at Theo’s stunned face, her shoulders started shaking and she clasped her hands in front of her mouth, just like Nolan, Sadie, and Maya. Liam grinned at his Betas and at Theo who still stared at him, speechless for once. Another rare occasion where Liam managed to render him just that.
Mike suddenly appeared in the alley and stopped walking when he saw the pack there. He grimaced. “What the hell are you doing here? Seriously, you guys are everywhere, it’s exhausting.“ “We‘re here for a reason.“ Liam explained and then his head snapped around when Tim appeared from the other side. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “Why are you here?“ He asked nervously. “Because we’re worried about you.“ Nolan explained. “Sadie saw something earlier and we’re here to investigate.“ Over time Tim and Nolan had also gotten closer, they both shared a similar character with being quiet and harmonic and slightly awkward and Nolan loved Tim’s jokes and vice versa. It was maybe for the best he made the first approach. Tim still looked unsure. “Why were you worried? Nothing’s wrong.“ “Are you writing assignments for other guys in exchange for them inviting you to parties?“ Maya Duncan, straightforward as always, ladies and gentlemen. Mike stared at Tim. “You’re doing what?“ Tim’s eyed grew wide as saucers and he struggled to come up with a good answer. He didn’t have to in the end because now the other guys showed up.
“Oh wow, what is this, happy hour?“ He joked. Liam recognized him as Marc, a guy from his classes. “We’re Tim’s friends, we’re not here to use him for his brains.“ Sadie was protective of her friends. Sometimes that means jumping right in and start snapping. Liam sighed internally when the guy puffed his chest. “Are you implying something, babe?“ “Other than that you are a lazy being? Not at all. And I’m not your babe!“ “You must be a lesbian then, every girl wants to be my babe.“ Liam and Theo synchronically rolled their eyes at this statement and Sadie smiled sweetly. “Yep.“ She said and popped the ‚p‘ and then pointed at Maya and Ever. “Those two are my girlfriends and you may try and sound like you’re insulting me but don‘t lie you would like to see that in action. But we don’t play with uneducated boys like you. And now run home to your momma and let her teach you some manners.“
Marc looked put off and huffed, then he extended his hand towards Tim. “Hand it over!“ He demanded and Tim pulled some neatly folded papers out of his bag. “So Sadie was right?“ Liam asked him with a frown and Tim shrugged helplessly before nodding. Nolan put a hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezed. “Don’t judge him, it’s the only way he gets some sort of social contact. He is such an awkward and weird guy should be lucky we’re greeting him every now and then.“ Marc sneered and Liam turned around. “Excuse me? Mind repeating that?“ Marc rolled his eyes. “I don‘t like you in class, Dunbar, and I don’t like you after class either. So just shut your mouth before I make you.“ His friends howled in delight and Liam pressed his lips shut while his eyebrow twitched angrily.
“Using someone for his brains and leading him on is possible one of the meanest things I ever heard of. Sadie’s right, you guys need someone to teach you manners.“ He spat and Marc glared at him before stepping forward. He and Liam stood inches apart and had an angry stare off. Marc’s friends puffed up behind him, trying to look as intimidating as possible. “Okay, great, we established that you guys are just brainless gorillas who are not even pretty, but can we stop this archaic behavior?“ Theo asked and pulled him back by his shirt. He kept his grip to stop Liam from jumping the arrogant assholes. “Did you just call us brainless gorillas?“ “Oh look, they are also heard of hearing.“ This time it was Mike mocking the guys. He had a problem with people using other people.
Liam could not recap who really made the first move, later on, he just knew that suddenly the two groups clashed and you had the wildest wrangling. And it only ended when blue lights appeared and a siren blared. “Well, fuck.“ Theo said when he glanced at the police cruiser.
****** “That’s not exactly how I imagined my night to go.“ The chimera muttered dryly and stared at the bars in front of him. He was just so done with the whole situation and now turned around to his other friends sitting in the same jail cell as him. “Really? I thought a cell was your favorite place to hang out.“ Mike mumbled and Theo raised both eyebrows. “You serious? You want to sass me right now?“ He questioned. Mike shook his head. “No. Just saying.“ “I’m here because the whole pack got arrested. The question is why are you here?“ “Because I was part of the wrangling.“ Mike explained and shrugged. “Yeah, why were you by the way?“ Nolan wanted to know. “I mean, not that I’m not happy for the help, but you could have walked away. Why did you stay and decided to help us?“
Mike looked taken aback by this question and quite helpless while he was searching for an answer. He finally shrugged his shoulders in a helpless gesture. “Because you guys are nuts. Complete and total nuts. Starting with him over there.“ He pointed at Liam who leaned against the wall and now tilted his head. “He is willing to help strangers, even if said strangers claim to not need help, and he’s just so open and he’s trying and all. And then you have you others who are just as nuts in your own way. Sadie with her fashion sense and her sarcasm, Tim with his silly questions, Ever with her love for nature, Maya with her activism and Nolan with his awkwardness, Theo with his sarcasm and his protectiveness regarding Liam. And I…“ He stopped and stayed silent for a while and then he sighed. “I like you guys. I never had any real friends and suddenly you are there and you care about me and whenever I am around you, you always include me, even though I said I didn’t want to be included. You just don‘t care about that and yet you never make me feel like I owe you something. It’s really hard not to like you, guys. Because you are just as nuts as I am. I just had to help you.“ Liam and Theo shared a look and then they both smirked.
“You know what that means, right?“ Theo asked the younger with a grin. Mike made a funny face. “I guess I'm part of the pack I claimed not wanting to be a part of?“ He then stated, still a bit unsure what the answer would be. “You are so part of the pack.“ Liam confirmed with a grin. “Is it bad I kind of expected a bigger celebration when Mike finally joins us?“ Maya asked from where she sat on the bench in the cell. “Sorry, I left my glitter in my other bag. Otherwise, I would have already thrown it in the air and yelled HEUREKA!“ Ever replied. “Glitter doesn’t match with Mike’s outfit.“ Sadie mumbled and it was silent for a moment, then they all started laughing. It was just so silly and they were still sitting in a cell at the police station but they were together, nobody was seriously hurt and it was just their luck to have been arrested.
It took a while until they stopped laughing. Liam pushed himself off the wall and squeezed Mike’s arm. “Welcome to the pack. Seriously.“ Sometimes you didn’t need any big reveal or a big event for something like that. Nobody had to almost die for Mike to come around and accept them as his friends and packmates. It had been something that set into motion weeks ago when he spent the first full moon with them. Weeks of him not feeling pressured and seeking the pack out by himself finally paid off. And now here they were and he had finally accepted the pack. Liam could only look at his pack and smile. There was nothing that pride and joy when he looked at all of them. They weren‘t perfect by far but they helped each other get better and better and that was something truly amazing.
“My mom will kill me if she ever finds out I have been arrested. Me being a werewolf she could handle, but me being arrested? Nooo.“ Tim said suddenly and thus they all started laughing again. It was almost hysterical because this situation was just so absurd. “You‘re laughing so I guess I can skip the question if you are sorry about what you did, huh?“ Isaac stood in front of the cell, arms crossed, and smirked. The police officer next to him looked like he was deeply distressed by the loud laughter while he unlocked the cell. “Isaac!“ Liam called out happily and the older nodded in the direction of the exit. “Come on, I bailed you all out. You all owe me money now.“ He joked and the pack eagerly got to their feet to leave the cell. “So, your pack and Mike, what exactly did you do?“ Isaac asked Liam and the young Alpha grinned. “It’s just the pack now.“ He corrected and Isaac looked over at Mike. “Oh.“ He said and then smiled while clasping Mike on the back.”Congratulations.“ “Thanks.“ Mike said with a small smile while they exited the police station. Outside Liam looked at his pack and then shrugged. “We got into a little wrangling with some dumb jerks. Nothing major.“ “Uh uh.“ Isaac looked more amused than anything else. “Thanks for bailing us out, man.“ Theo said, one arm slung aroundLiam‘s shoulder. Liam nodded in confirmation. “Don’t mention it. I was laughing for solid five minutes after Nolan called. That made my day. And you saved me from a boring project.“
“That brings me to another thing.“ Liam suddenly remembered and turned to face Tim. “Tim, what the hell, man?“ Tim jumped when his Alpha addressed him like that so suddenly and blinked at Liam. “What?“ “Why are you doing assignments and homework for other people?“ Tim looked on his shoes and kicked the dirt. “I thought if I helped them, they would start to like me and I could hang out with them. Then I would be more popular and not such a loser. I would have friends.“ “Those aren’t friends. Friends don’t use you. Those are friends!“ Mike pointed at the pack when he spoke the last sentence. Tim gave him a shy look. “And you?“ He inquired and Mike sighed softly. “Yeah, me too.“ He said with a soft smile. Liam smiled. “Mike’s right, Timmy. Those guys just use you but we are your friends. You don‘t have to do something for us just so we like you. Just be yourself, that’s enough.“ Tim nodded with a small smile. “It’s strange. Going from being a loner and the odd one to having a full pack of friends. I like it but it‘s still strange.“ “You get used to it.“ Liam promised him. “Because you can’t get rid of us now.“ He said with a laugh, the others joining him soon. Theo squeezed his shoulder and pulled him closer and Liam leaned his head against Theo’s shoulder. Laughing with their pack made him and his wolf so happy. That was exactly how it should be. It wasn’t completely perfect but right now, at this very moment, it felt like this. They could do anything together.
Theo and Mike indeed share some similarities, do you agree? Maybe Theo now has someone to tutor a bit, I think it would do him good too. And yes, Thiam's feeling get stronger and stronger... Sadie and boundaries :D When you're writing and you're giving yourself an AU idea. Theo as hooker... Almost every time I want to write Tim, I'm writing Thiam^^ But yay, Tim and Mike are in the house, they are pack, they are ready to kick ass!! What do you say, guys? Like it? Missed something? Want something to happen next chapter? Tell me!
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sad22me-blog · 6 years
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This will probably be the last time I get to reach out to you. Not because I don’t want to reach out to you or talk to you everyday, but because I’m more then aware of at this point that I have pretty much been a plague to you this last year. So here it is. Ashlyn, while you might think I’m lying, and you might think this is contradictory to all my actions, I do indeed LOVE YOU, more then you realize. I love you beyond the word love. I love you. I love you I love you I love. I know me saying this probably drives you crazy because it doesn’t make any sense to you but I fucking love you. I know right now that if you even give this a chance to read that I’m lucky beyond words because honestly I don't really deserve your time in any shape or form. I don’t. I know what I’ve done. I know how I’ve hurt you. I know what could of been and I know that this should have and will be better. Last night, all I could think about was how I deserve the pain I’m in. My stomach had been killing me all day and you already know that I’m a bitch when it comes to pain with my stomach. All day it was hurting. I think it was because I had a stomach bug. I didn’t eat a single thing besides a bite of chicken and jalapeno pepper, then at about 11 o clock, I threw up. Before throwing up, I was just thinking I deserve this pain. I deserve this I deserved this And I deserve more because it’s not half of what I put you through. Today, all I feel is more and more guilt for knowing what I’ve done. Ashlyn, I love you and always have. There’s nothing else I can do but say I’ve fucked up. I wanted you and ironically more then ever I want you now too. I know a lot of times this doesn’t make sense but, and seriously, take this into consideration, I wanted OUT of that relationship as much as I wanted IN. I wanted out so many times. Not because I didn’t love you, not because I didn't want you, not because I wanted to be single, but because I felt horrible for what I did. I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like a horrible friend. Now, ironically, I feel like a bigger piece of shit, but none the less. That's the truth. On the flip side, I very much wanted to be with you. A lot of times when I wanted out I would question my feelings but its so obvious to me now that my feelings were very real, just numbed and put away because of the circumstances of the situation. I could go into details about everything but you already know everything I’ve written in sappy long posts like this a bagillion times. AshLYNNNN I LOVEEE YOU AND I FUCKED UP AND I WAS A PIECE OF SHIT FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU AND I WILL ADMIT IT. This whole time when I’m trying to get away from this feeling, I pretty much just focused on wanting out, wanting to be single. When I was out, I acted on it. I shouldn’t have. I regretted it. I still regret it. I have this huge built up angers and animosities toward Mohib and Julia now. Why did I leave you? I don't know. This whole time I’m saying I wanna leave you because I feel bad for what I did to Mohib but like a huge part of me doesn’t even wanna be his friend because now I’m stuck here, without you, the person I love, and had it not been for his feelings, this would of never happened. I don't know. It really doesn‘t make any sense, none of it. Why leave someone if you’re mad at the other. I regret a lot. I regret that I never gave you the time of day because I was so focused on this stupid guilt I felt. I’m sorry I never appreciated you. Your beauty, your love, compassion, your desire to make me a happy and better person. You gave me everything, and all I ever did was pretty much ignore it because I was just trying to figure out how I was ever going to possibly make this work without destroying myself. I’m sorry. You deserve so much more then a sorry. But what can I possibly give you at this point. I’m sorry beautiful, I am so sorry. So often I preach that I’m not a bad person, but denying that I wasn’t that with you is bullshit. I know I was a bad person to you. I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be that, I still don’t, and everyday eats more and more at me. I want you to have the world. I want you to be happy, I want you to enjoy what you eat. I want you to look at your body and think your beautiful and sexy. I want you to look in the mirror, smile and laugh, because your self confident and happy with yourself. I want you to live a life filled with purpose. I want you to be so confident and make new paltz yours. I don't want you to fear from me Julia and mohib. I want you to love yourself. I want you to be APPRECIATED. Not only from others, but from yourself!!! Love yourself beautiful. I want you to walk with pride and create yourself happiness. I want you to hike and swim and make money and enjoy work while working towards a career full of purpose, a career you’ll enjoy. I want you to read more. I want you to quit smoking. I want you to draw and draw and draw and get better and make something of it. I want you to post more selfies because your content with who you are. I want you to surround yourself with those you love. I want you to not suffer from mental problems anymore. I want you to realize YOUR VALUE. I want Ashlyn to be the best Ashlyn can be because she fucking deserves that, and if the best Ashlyn is Ashlyn sitting in a chair reading, smoking a cigarette, but happy with herself, with who she has become, with what she is doing, then MAKE IT HAPPEn. I love you Ashlyn. The boy who put you through so much shit loves you. The boy who was such a piece of shit wants to see you succeed and be happy. More then ever this boy wishes he was yours, wishes he treated you right, wishes we met earlier, wishes that this situation wasn’t what it was. I’m not a liar, a bullshitter, a bad person. I was just put, in my head anyway, in a situation that I couldn’t control and in a situation that once I left acted unmorally and fucked up so much. Your feelings, your happiness, your wellbeing really do mean the most to me. I want nothing more, NOTHING MORE RIGHT NOW, then to see you fucking happy. I know it’s gonna come. I know it. and part of me will be in so much pain because I’m not there to be there with you. Yes ASHLYN, I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you. YOU NEVER SAW IT BECAUSE I WAS A SCARED LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT. That’s the truth. You didn’t see it because I was scared of everything. Scared to betray my friend. Scared to go against who I am. Scared and scared and scared. I know at the end of this, I will be the one who lost and you will be the one whose happy that they lost, because I will be stuck thinking I should have never let you go, and you will be moving forward knowjing you left something negative behind and are moving on. I love you so much beautiful, I wish you were texting me right now. I will probably delete this tumblr after this because I know how you’re gonna react. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I miss you. I miss you I miss you. I wish you were here, I wish you were my girlfriend, and I’m sorry I’ve made the decision I did and the choices I have. They’re not really justified at all or in any way. God, I wish things were different. I miss you, your love, your care, your beautfy, your body sex, gifts, your everything I MISS You. my basutiful. Please, do not let me being a piece of shit destroy you. Don’t let someone like me hold you back. Achieve and achieve and keep moving forward. Be sad, get stuck with something, in life whatever it may be, but never let me be the cause. Also, Ashlyn, I’m always here and I mean that. I’m a text or call away. You wanna yell and curse at me? Do it. You need help advice or whatever it may be, I'm here. I know you hate me right now and you have every right and reason to hate me. I love you Ashlyn, I fucked up. I really hope one day you don’t hate me. I hope one day were friends or boyfriend and girlfriend. I just miss your face lol. I love you beautiful. Never ever ever give up on life, especially because of me(but just don’t in general because you are beautiful and offer so much to this world). I love you beautiful. I hope I see you soon. I’ll be watching to make sure you’re doing well. I love you :), I mean it. I’m sorry. I’M SORRYYYYYYY. I wish you were here with me right now. I love you beautiful. Goodbye <3. You’re part of the reason I’m going to try and better myself. I promise I hold you in a place higher then most higher then people you don't think you are higher then, even if you hold me at the absolute bottom. I’m sorry a million trillion billion zillion times. I wish I could make up for everything I did. I hope you’re okay. I love you beautiful. This hurts so much. I deserve to hurt though. I love you beautiful. I wish I didn’t mess up. This stings so much. I don’t wanna say goodbye. I love you beautiful, goodbye :( #cashlyn @cashlyn
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thewordonmainstreet · 6 years
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All The Way Down
I’m still feeling it.  The rejection, the strong rebuke, the being tossed away like garbage.  That’s all I ever have been and all I ever will be.  The world is a terrible place and there is no place for me in the world.  My home isn’t here.  The world is intent on destroying the kind, the gentle, the good.  Why are there hardly any really good people around anymore?  Because they get destroyed or realize that they have to change or else they’ll keep getting tossed around.  Good people don’t last in a world so cold.  They must adapt or die.  I’ve never found a stable job or friends.  I live on the margins of society and I feel like going all the way down.  I’m almost all the way there and I’ve tried my whole life to fit in, to be normal but I’ve only been thrown out every time.  I must be doing something right if I have so many haters.  I’m tired of this world, this society where meanness and rudeness wins all the time, where the meek and the kind don’t matter.  All I wanted to do was work because there’s dignity in a paycheque but I got rejected by the staff and they pushed me out.  I have no rights and will never have any rights.  No one cares for those at the bottom.  It’s harder and harder to get any help now.  I still wake up and feel like I’ve been kicked, am afraid to apply for jobs and am still seething with anger about what happened.  This has happened to me 5 times now and it cuts a little deeper every time.  I have a right to work but people are so awful.  People are my issue.  They’re horrible, they’re full of hate and they have no understanding.  Now I have to get myself up because counselling and any social service is so hard to find.  You really are on your own now.  And being alone hurts.  I deeply ache to be accepted and part of a team.  That’s why being bullied out of this job hurt so much.  I have a deep need to belong and I never have.  I’ve been isolated all my life but for a few fairweather friends.  The longer I’m out of work, the more questionable I seem.  Employers seem terrified to hire, they question you like you’re on trial.  I find the questions are unreasonable and you have to be a superstar for minimum wage.  Employers sense poverty and poverty makes you an instant outcast.  It’s what I believe has led to so many prolonged periods of unemployment in my life.  My old car as in wow that’s ugly old and not vintage cool old, my gap-filled resumé and lack of connections in the city makes employers want to stay far away.  I’m exhausted already thinking about all the interviews that I’ll have to go on that are always a no and never a yes to getting another job maybe in a year where I’ll be ruined and pushed out in a short period of time.  I have no more strength left to be destroyed.  I’m just finished.  I have nothing left.  I just want to lie down.  I’m tired off ending up worse off when I try to be better off.  I’m angry that I’ll never see justice.  I’m sad that no one cares if I’m alive or dead and I have no friends that will stick up for me and say she’s been through so much, she’s such a good person.  No one really says those things when you’re alive though but we really should be saying those things.  I’ve never really had great relationships and never felt a sense of worth and significance.  I’ve just gone through life achingly alone and I don’t know how I’ve done it for so long because we all need each other.  Maybe life was preparing me for the modern world where no one gives any f’s about anyone else.  How quickly this latest job loss will prolong my unemployment and make me the subject of “there’s something wrong with that girl” in my close-knit neighbourhood.  Nobody talks to anyone anymore and it’s even worse if you’re poor.  You’re just finished socially.  I worry more than ever that I’ll be on the street.  I really do.  I look at the things I own and I’m so afraid of losing them.  I look at my closets full of house decor and clothing and a fear comes across me about having nothing.  I wonder how it will all happen and hope to heck I can afford to store the possessions I hold dear.  I don’t know but it scares the hell out of me.  Every decor item I have means something significant to me and I took great care to find pieces that would add a hip, playful vibe to my home.  Everything I own is a part of me and isn’t just all stuff.  I find great comfort and a sense of identity in the things that I have and hold dear.  I find myself in a daze worrying about sleeping on the streets or panhandling and how I will get through it.  Though I’ve worried about being on the streets my whole life, it really seems closer than ever before and I’m very, very afraid.  I’ve lived on almost nothing my whole life and it’s harder and harder to get by on nothing.  I can’t take the stress of being so near the streets anymore.  I can’t spend a year looking for work but that’s what it seems to take now because employers won’t take anything but perfect and there’s so many people looking for work.  I have no real supports other than a family that doesn‘t understand me, pushes me and wanted me to be better the day after I was let go from my job.  I’m the black sheep in my family and I always will be.  I may as well be the really bad black sheep.  If I’m so close, I may as well go all the way down.  There’s no understanding, no compassion, it’s such a cruel world.  You have to pretend you’re unbreakable and infallible.  This is the way people are all the time now, oh I’m really good when they aren’t, oh things are perfect, walking with their chest out and looking unfuckwithable.  There’s no allowance for being hurt, broken, having a questionable job history or not being like everyone else.  The world will ruin you if you are.  The world doesn’t have time or understanding.  When they say they are an equal opportunity employer, that’s just a statement they are required to put on a job posting.  There really is no equal opportunity, it’s all a sham.  The world doesn’t want imperfect, messed up and used up people.  I don’t think I’ll ever find my place.  I don’t have the energy to go here, there and everywhere looking for work.  I feel used up and hallowed out.  I worry what’s next.  Those that are on the street are there most often because they were never accepted by the world and the world just said “to hell with you and go fuck off”.  The world has been telling me that all of my life.  How long will it be until I’m sitting on the sidewalk asking for spare change?
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