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nastybuckybarnes · 5 years

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Bodyguard - Two

Pairing: Bodyguard!Bucky X Politician!Reader

Summary: As a young and controversial politician, you face some opposition. After a death threat is made and your security is at risk, you agree to get a bodyguard. You don’t expect him to be the most irritating and attractive man on the planet. With a history so deep and twisted you never thought you’d figure it out, a terrible corporation is determined to take you out of the political picture; using any means necessary. The only question is, how far is James willing to go to ensure your safety?

Warnings: Angst, Violence, threats, injuries, kidnapping, drugging, political talk (not a lot), terrorism (Wait for the plot twist tho guys), Smut, Fluff, PTSD, (More to Come)

Word Count: 1.5K

A/n: And part two!! Slow for now, but wait ‘till the next chapter. oh looooords

BASED OFF OF THE NETFLIX ORIGINAL: BODYGUARD TAGLIST IS OPEN MASTERLIST Part one

~*~

"Three attacks in nine months. How does that make you feel, Madame Secretary?” You think about the interviewer's question for a moment before answering.

“It saddens me that so many innocent lives have been lost. But it also makes me curious about the reason behind the attacks. Why attack the train station and the bus stop and the coffee shop? What’s the connection? What is the point? These attacks are targeting innocents, why? What lesson is being taught here?” He nods and glances at the screen over your shoulder.

“What do you plan to do about them? Many have said that these are attacks from foreign countries in the Middle East. Should we reintroduce a ban on Middle Eastern people?” You scoff out loud, shaking your head at how stupid he sounds.

“What would that solve? There are speculations built on fear, that the terrorists were not white. However, there is absolutely no proof that the terrorists weren’t Americans. I will not advise a ban on an entire group of people, based on incidents of the past. If we count up all the casualties from terrorist attacks by white Americans, we’re looking at thousands of deaths and hundreds of thousands of injuries. I refuse to allow the fear of a few sways the opinions of many. To make myself explicitly clear, there is no proof of any race being responsible for the terrorist attacks. There is also no ban on any race thus far. We are not banning anyone from our country, so long as our laws are being followed and our rights are being adhered to.”

The interview ends shortly after that and you couldn’t be happier.

“Thank you again for coming in, Madame Secretary.” As the reporter goes to shake your hand, a man bumps into him, causing him to bump into you and spill your coffee all over your blouse.

You gasp, the hot drink burning your skin, and jump away from the man.

“Shit! Jesus Fucking Christ!” You glance at your ruined blouse and pinche the bridge of your nose.

“I’m meeting with a representative of the President in half an hour!” You try to calm down and think of how to fix your shirt.

“Where’s Wanda! Have her bring me a fresh blouse!” You order, glaring at the man behind the interviewer.

“There’s no time,” Sergeant Barnes says from behind you, tugging his tie off and slipping out of his suit jacket. You watch as he sheds his white shirt, eyes fluttering to his left arm.

It’s made completely out of metal.

“My shirt has been altered to fit over my vest. The chest to waist ratio should be compatible.” His eyes flicker over your torso for a moment before returning to your face. “Shirt is fresh this morning, Ma’am.” You offer him a smile and take the warm white shirt from his hand. He pulls his suit jacket back on and buttons it up to cover his white kevlar vest.

“Here, I’ll show you to the restroom.” You follow the interviewer, Sergeant Barnes a step behind you.

The shirt is warm and incredibly comfortable when you put it on. You tuck it into your pants and situate your Jacket to make it look more like a woman’s shirt, then leave the bathroom.

“Can’t even tell,” Barnes says, nodding to your new outfit. You smile a thank you then follow him out of the building and into the car that’s waiting for the two of you.

“Madame Secretary,” The PR says, shaking your hand firmly. “Mister Sitwell. Always a pleasure.” He nods and sits down with you, eyeing your bodyguard wearily for a moment.

“It’s a shame President Pierce couldn’t join us,” you say, trying to ease the tension.

“Yes. It is. However, he trusts that we’ll be brief but thorough.” You nod and start talking about what to do.

“The current terrorist threat level in America is at High. We want to get back down to Elevated at the least. I recommend being more thorough at all Airport security checkpoints and all borders. I also think it would be good to have more security throughout the country in general. At bus stations and train stations. Places with high civilian counts. I have a meeting with the Prime minister of Canada and I also will be speaking to the Home Secretary of the UK. After these meetings, I’ll have more information on what our next course of action should be.”

Sitwell nods and glances at his watch. “Keep myself and the President notified on any changes we must take. The safety of American citizens is our number one priority.”

The rest of the meeting goes by in a blur of conversations that you’ve grown tired of.

When the meeting’s finally over, you relax, eyes falling closed as the car drives smoothly towards your house.

You’re just stepping out of the shower when an odd feeling washes over you.

“Sergeant Barnes?” You call softly, turning off the lights in the bathroom and walking slowly to the window.

“Ma’am?” He knocks on the door then slowly opens it. His eyes find your towel-clad form but quickly move away when he sees the way you’re looking at the Window.

He presses on his earpiece and glances at you.

“Control, 10-12, stand by. Assistance may be needed at the southeast second-floor window.” He moves along the wall to the window and slowly glances out the blinds.

“Copy that, Barnes. Were on our way. ETA two minutes.”

“Control, 10-61. Man, late thirties in the tree 1-0 feet away from the window. Large camera in hand.”

Your heart beats faster as you realize they might catch the man who's been giving you so much trouble.

“Copy, I’ve got eyes on him. We’re closing in. Find a secure location inside the house for her for the time being.” Sergeant Barnes takes you by the arm and gingerly pulls you out of the bathroom.

“Get dressed quickly.” He turns his back to you and you stare at it for a minute. After deciding he won't turn around, you grab a pair of pyjamas and change quickly.

“Alright. We’ve got a 952 (suspicious vehicle) driving down her street. Licence plate Hotel-2-Delta-6-Romeo-4.” He mouths the words to himself a few times, trying to memorize them and their configuration.

“Barnes?” You ask softly, voice wavering slightly.

“Come with me.” You follow him to the guest bedroom, almost stumbling in the dark. When you finally reach the room, he sits you down on the bed, one gloved hand resting on his gun.

You bring your knees up to your chest and take deep breaths, calming yourself down as your bodyguard listens to whatever’s going on in his ear.

“He’s running! 10-80 (chase in progress). I need- oh shit!” Sam’s voice gets cut off by the sound of gunfire.

You squeak on the bed at the loud noise, pressing your forehead to your knees.

“Control, what the Hell’s happening out there?” He looks over at you then glances out the window, trying to see something. Anything.

“10-32 (man with gun), keep her inside. Suspect has a gun and has opened fire. Move to the basement, Barnes.”

He takes you by the hand and pulls you out of the room and down the stairs, catching you when you miss a step and almost eat shit.

“To the basement,” he whispers, eyes darting around the house. You hurry down another flight of stairs and watch as he scans the area before deeming it safe.

You sit down on the ground and lean your head against the wall, overwhelmed by everything that’s going on.

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay.” You nod with his words, knowing you won’t be hurt. This is all mostly a huge inconvenience anyway.

“Control, Suspect is -oof! Contained. We have him.” He exhales deeply and smiles to himself.

“They’ve got him, Ma’am. You’re safe.”

A gunshot.

Tires squealing against concrete.

Blood splattered everywhere.

A car flipping and rolling rolling rolling.

A dead man in the front seat.

A child, terrified in the back.

Screams erupt, more shots are fired.

He’s dead already.

There’s blood all over the child’s face. In her hair.

She’s crying. Screaming and terrified.

You wake up with a startled gasp, eyes darting around your room. A few moments pass before you remember that you’re safe.

As the anniversary of his death approaches, the nightmares are growing increasingly realistic and frequent.

You sigh heavily and climb out of bed, navigating your way through the dark house and putting the kettle on.

You put your face in your hands as a tear slides down your cheek, trying to stay silent and not wake up your bodyguard.

“What are you doing up, ma’am?” You gasp at his voice and spin around, clutching your shirt and panting. “I-I...” you trail off and look away from his intense gaze.

“You’re safe here. I promise you that.” You shake your head. “It’s not that. I... ugh.” You find yourself embarrassed to admit this. “I sometimes have nightmares. Nothing major. I make myself tea and do some work or something.”

He watches you for a few moments before speaking. “I... understand the feeling.” You look back up at him, shock clear as day on your face.

“I was stationed overseas during my time with the military,” is the only explanation he gives.

You nod and look back at the kettle.

“Would-would you like some tea?” The world freezes as soon as the words roll off your tongue.

The clock ticks once, twice, three times before- “I’d love some. Thank you, ma’am.”

~*~

TAGS:

PERMANENT TAGS: @smolbeanbucky @wildefire @inumorph @impalatobakerstreet @nanna022 @mummy-woves-you @m-a-t-91 @wtfholland @bookgirlunicorn @beautifulwisdom2001 @deep-sea-glitter @mrhiddles-81 @iamwarrenspeace @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs @swoonhui @destiel-artemis @frozenhuntress67 @unlikelygalaxygiver @agentlokidottir @viarogers

MARVEL: @fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus @april-14-blog @potteritis @momc95 @shakzer00 @inkedaztec @cal-ifornication @heartislubbingdubbing @my-suga-kookies

BUCKY: @chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight @dragonrosegardens @saharzek @fandom-princess-forevermore

BODYGUARD: @the-surviving-revolutionist @spnsquirrel @alohafromhell1 @loki-ang-batang-heneral @emilysallysmith @farfromjustordinary @rebbie444 @mylife-love-and-other-things @lumar014 @goldtsunami @casuallydarktiger @iammomohearmerawr @tayahs-blog

#bucky #bodyguard bucky x politician reader #bodyguard bucky #bodyguard!bucky x reader #bodyguard!bucky x Politician!reader #bodyguard au #bucky x reader #bucky x you

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my-icefairytales · 5 years

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What a life

Summary: Idol AU, Sarada is proclaimed as the new artist of the year this will bring changes to her life and one of them is the arrival of Kawaki her new bodyguard.

note: Hi! I’m new at this hehehe I hope you likes this, please be nice.

Twitter

"OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE, WE ONLY HAVE 6 HOURS TO GO"

#concert

🔁 34 ♥️ 102

"EHH~~ you are already there??!"

"OFC!! FANS HAVE BEEN LINING UP FOR ALMOST 24 HOURS"

"pls save a spot for me"

"is it cold?"

__________________________________________________________

"WHAAT--- look kagura!" I exclaim showing the phone to my manager " there are people who arrived almost 24 hours ago..how can that be possible..." I couldn't stop scrolling seeing everybody so excited about my concert. That pushed me to feel more anxious.

"Sarada I just got a message from the staff" my manager announced while fixing his hair because we've been on a plane for almost 15 hours so his charming hair wasn't that charming.

"Everything is ready, the stage is already set, when you get there they will finish the soundcheck" then he gazed at me, recognizing the look at my face he sat by my side and calmly said.

"I know you are feeling overwhelmed but you need to ignore those thoughts, everything is gonna be alright".

"I would be calmer if I was already there" I sighed I wasn't a fan of my companies decision of filling my schedule until I didn't even have time to breathe, looking at the window one thought pop up in my mind, something I been thinking since I made my latest comeback.

"You know what kagura" I whispered, doubting the words that were coming out of my mouth.

"What"

"Ever since I came back with this album everything changed"

"What do you mean" he questioned

"I mean about my popularity, you know how things were before everything. One year ago no one would even recognize me if a walked down the street, but now...." I soundless said, "sometimes I think about how my life would be if I never got popu---"

"Hey" he interrupted me

"Sarada... look at me" he took a breath "you getting popular was the best thing that could ever happen, people needed to recognize your amazing talent" he looked away with a nostalgic smile, I could see he was trying to remember something.

"For the past 6 years, I've seen how much you've worked. Staying late almost every day; singing, dancing even writing. We've seen you grow from a shy girl to a girl with a catchy personality that every variety show wants to have, with this surprise concert we gave a gift for overseas fans that cherish your talent like no one so please, remember that." just when he said that the flight attendant asked us to sit in our designated seats, we where landing.

That speech took me by surprise, he was right I was letting my dark thoughts to drive me away from my main goal, this popularity was a great chance to let my talent shine, to fulfill my dream.

"Okay Sarada we have to be careful, there is a huge crowd waiting for you" Kagura explained, "they are surrounding our van and" he stared at me, " we don't have a security team, only the airport staff".

"OH" I screeched, "Well... I don't think it should be such a big problem, they must know how to handle these situations" I hope they do.

We cross through a door that leads us to our exit, I could see a wave of fans running towards me at first the staff surrounded me so I can have some space to walk.

"SARADA!!, take a picture with us!"

"GRAB THIS GIFT!!"

"STOP PUSHING ME!"

"HEY!! take a step back! give her space" I hear them shouting which only startled me more, as I advanced through the ocean of people the space between me and them became smaller and smaller until all I could feel where hands and cameras crushing against me, touching me and hitting me, eventually knocking me down.

"Aah I'm sorry, Uhm excuse me, don't touch me please". I murmured, my sight got worse when tears started to stream down my face and wouldn't stop, knowing that when I hit the ground I also hit several fans that were surrounding me, my mind went blank as I felt someone from the staff abruptly holding me up to help me get to my van.

At the moment they closed the door behind me I received trillion messages and phone calls, at first I thought it was something related to the concert but then I realized that the accident was trending topic on Twitter, I saw pictures and videos showing the exact moment I fell, the moment a camera hit my head, and the moment I started crying.

"oh, shit..." I muttered while I was sniffing, not knowing what to do I just waited for my manager to tell me something, anything to calm the situation.

"I just spoke to the CEO" Kagura quietly said, I could see the look in his eyes, he wasn't convinced with what he was about to tell me, "he wants you to ignore what happened, the show will soothe things, and eventually everybody will forget the problem".

"eh, you think that too?" I doubted still shocked about what just happened, not knowing what to say.

he looks at me with a worried look, trying to form a decent answer.

"well, if we take into consideration the fame you've gained lately, this kind of situation won't stop. Everywhere you'll go will be followed by masses of fans, if he wants you to ignore what just happened then you'll run the risk of suffering the same accident".

Kagura wasn't wrong, everything changed since my latest comeback, I came from a small company at the beginning I didn't have many good reviews coming from non fans, they never believed in me, and obviously that only made me wanna become more and more famous, I trained non stop, dance, sing and social skills I wanted to be perfect, with this album I finally got the chance to write my own song, even if they only approved one that meant a lot to me.

My train of thought stopped when I tried to grab my phone and my hand didn't come to my senses, I realize I was shaking and my breathing rate was increasing.

"Sarada?, Sarada hey listen to me, we've arrived at the stadium, what's wrong? , why are you shaking, tell me" Kagura looked at me with confused eyes, I couldn't focus even when my manager took me out of the car when we arrived.

"Mhhp, where are--where are we, why are there so many people, what's going on?" someone covered my body with a jacket while handing me a face mask and hat, my manager grabbed me so he could help me walk, my legs weren't responding.

The worst part was that there where a lot of fansites taking pictures and I couldn't even walk alone properly, this was about to make things worst online. I can't stop thinking about how my fans will react, how will my CEO Mr (----) react and what would he make me do to relieve the situation, my mind was running and I only had 3 hours till the concert. I needed to focus my body and soul into the concert, block every unwanted thought at least until after the tour was over.

"Hey, we're finally on your backstage", he said with a sigh, I could see that he was just as tired as I was. "take a break Sarada, try to ignore social media for a while" dropping some bags while walking to sit for a second.

"Really? how can I take a break when we took almost 3 hours to arrive here" , my blood temperature was starting to rise, "the staff is waiting for me so they can finally end the soundcheck, and then I have to test my stage clothes and then make-" raising my voice with every word that came out of my mouth while my hands started to shake once again.

"Sarada! okay, I get it I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that now go and do whatever you have to do" Kagura exclaimed as I stormed out to finally end all my pending tasks.

___________________________________________________

The concert was over, and while I was taking a bath I tried to calm myself but flashbacks from concert came nonstop, I still could hear their screams coming at the top of their lungs, the way they chanted my entire song, I still have that addictive feeling of adrenaline, knowing that I had more than 10k people dancing and singing to my songs and they where all singing back to me with one million different reasons. I made them happy and they made me happy. We helped each to forget our problems even if it was for 2 and a half hours. Their faces are engraved in my mind, those eyes filled with emotions I made them feel. That's why I tried my best to show the brightest side to my fans, I never wanted to leave the stage, this was my first show outside Asia and even if almost everything went wrong I'm grateful that at least I performed in front of them.

After the bath I threw myself into the bed, while I was dressing into my sleep clothes I realized I had bruises all over my arms and legs I didn't know if it was because of the concert or the incident but right now because of them moving my body was the last thing I wanted to do....

"Ahh, I can't sleep" I sighed, feeling way too many emotions to calm myself, this always happened whenever I performed, no matter how tired I felt and how late it was, so I grabbed my phone and opened Instagram.

"Okay let's see what we have here" I murmured to myself ignoring the fact that morning was coming and I will feel like crap when I wake up.

Ever since I debuted it becomes habit to look into my # on every social media, at the first row my most popular pictures where located as I scroll down a little bit all I saw where photos of today's concert, they where all zoomed tho, I didn't understand why until I saw all of the bruises.

"OH NO!! I didn't know I had them already", I exclaimed to myself, "why nobody told me that??" I questioned while I got off my # realizing it was a mistake to get in the first place, all of my fans were seriously angry, asking my company for explanations, asking me to take a break, apologizing for everything. I felt dejected because I couldn't do anything to make them feel at ease, it wasn't up to me to make those decisions, sometimes I felt that the company didn't care too much about my fans, they are the most important part of my career and they were constantly mistreated.

After that I started scrolling down my Instagram recommended posts so I can distract myself.

"wow, she looks so pretty". I quietly said.

"uh, there are so many pretty people" while I scroll down my tl I would ignore some pictures because I felt envious "is she traveling again...?" how lucky I wish I could do that.

I mean I travel all the time, but only from the airport to the hotel and stadiums I never got a chance to explore the city all by myself. The irony is that my Instagram feed didn't show that, in every picture I uploaded I was in a different city, different culture, meeting different people, so I kept scrolling until one picture caught my attention, it was the cutest cat with fluffy grey coat that looked perfect for their angry face, just like the viral cat.

"Aww what's your name kitty" I murmured while I got into the kitty's profile... "Kawaki" mhh "well that's the first time I-". Oh... ooh wow, I was so captivated with the cat I didn't realize there was someone else taking the picture. Someone really pretty... pretty? No. He was something else.

He was laying in his bed, hugging the cat from behind, trying to hide from the picture but I could see how stunning he was. I needed to see more of him, I scrolled deeper and deeper into his profile, in every picture he looked even hotter, I learned he had a piercing in his eyebrow and a couple of tattoos across his god made body. My eyes were feeling heavy and probably because of that I didn't realize I tap on some of his pictures and before I could do anything I finally fell asleep.

#fic #write #story #kawasara #kawasaraweek2019 #kwsaweek2019

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muertaheux · 4 years

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Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

4 days of no sleep has meant unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days. but damage done & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!!

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be second guessing the creative aspect of it; and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him), based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. ) even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation.. we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

#mheuxarchives

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