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pvremichigan · 3 years

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Thank You For Loving Me. [Hell Arc Drabble 5]

Mich looked up at the man, the gray husk of a city before them nearly crumbling away, only visible vaguely through the corner of the eye. Her focus was on him, almost as if they stood in a gray senseless void atop a single strip of cement, creating the sidewalk between them. As if a vision had formed and so desperately tried to capture the surroundings but fell short of the details, the world nearly phasing in and out. This was excruciatingly unreal, the common feeling she’d experience in her dreams that had included Ryan.

Did she ever dream before then..?

Seeing him again. After over three years of his absence. The feeling was barely joy. It was agony. Mich was on the edge, on the verge of simply breaking down and losing it. How pathetic she felt knowing a single man could tear her composure down within moments, the composure she spent many lifetimes building up and solidifying to ensure nothing could drag her down so easily. Yet a single guy, a single man... Would be her downfall. Had been her downfall. It felt like he, in a way, would always will be even if just a small bit.

Something about him seemed so uncanny yet so familiar. This moment made her, for a moment, forget she was even in hell. Again, it felt like another dream. Another drunken blackout and the time in her mind that filled the gaps between consciousness. Perhaps the uncanny feeling came from the fact that she nearly couldn’t even recall what he looked like up close. She remembered the main features. The eyes, the hair, the terrible sense of style, the warm yet cold energy. Her stare lasted for what seemed like hours having only been minutes. The man spoke up, his awkward but stern composure showing through.

“Hoped I wouldn’t have to see you here again...”

The guilt struck as soon as those words left his mouth. That’s right, she would never be able to forget that... She was the reason he ever had to see her here in the first place. The guilt was immense, her chest and throat tightening worse than before. The tears began to weld up in the corners of her eyes, but she fought to refuse the fall of water.

“Move it, soldier. Let’s get outta here.”

...

Had he come back to save her again..?

For a moment, Mich had the urge to reach out and follow his command. She wanted so badly to just follow him to safety. It was only the flickering of the soul between them, it’s abrupt disappearance that brought her back to her mind. The reason she’s here is for that very thing, where the hell did it go...

Her heart sunk, realizing how close she was and how quickly she failed by distraction. The green haired man gave a light chuckle, putting his hand up as if to ease her.

“We’ll find it. You just need to follow your heart.”

What the fuck did he mean by that? This encounter made her uneasy... But he did have a point. It was very similar to what Xephrel had told her to do.

This didn’t feel real. For years she even had Carter scan hell for his soul or even his presence. Nothing, he was gone. Ryan was gone, there was no way he was here the whole time. The relief yet heartbreak of seeing Ryan again was so short lived. There was no way... Especially being so close to her soul. There was no way.

“Mich... We gotta go and we have to go now. We don’t have time, we have to get back home. I know a shortcut, let’s hurry up.”

Didn’t he just tell her how to get her soul though? He was rushing for them to leave. To escape. A shortcut..?

These demons need to learn how to mislead in better ways. This one was too easy. But... Knowing it was simply a demon - an obstacle - and not the man she once loved that had disappeared... It hurt. It did, it hurt. Shattered her... Better now to get it all out. Once... And for all. Besides.

There’s no way he’d try to save her from hell twice.

“No.”

“- No? Mich, we don’t have time.”

“I said no.”

“- No? Mich, we don’t have time.”

He... Just repeated the same thing. Yet the voice grew a tiny bit more distorted than before. The redhead took a deep breath, standing in a way that would help her run or defend herself if need be all while seeming discrete. It’s time... To just let it out.

“No. ... For years, I waited. For years, I just waited. Waited on that very fucking couch. Your words- Ryan I GLUED them to my heart. Sewn them in with everything else you said. I held you to it. You said you’d be back, you PROMISED me you were gonna stay. You never did. You never did because that was the last time I ever saw you again.”

The tears were fought back but ultimately her eyes lost as the floodgates had opened. The anger in her tears could burn through wood. Like fire dripping from her tired eyes, she stood her ground. The surrounding area seemed like it grew darker in light, but her focus stayed on the one before her. If this was the first real fight, there was no backing down. Especially not from this.

Ryan, or ‘Ryan’, began to shift uncomfortably before her. His figure beginning to contort and distort the more she spoke, voice distorting further and further until it was barely recognizable.

“- No? Mich, we don’t have time.”

“̵̧̛̛̺͖̝̜̥̪͇̩̭̞͕͙͆̿͒̄̊̑̌͌͌̈͑͊͂̌̂̂̈́̄̄̅̓̀̂̄̀̈́͊̈̇͗̽̽̈́͐̾̔͑͗́̀͂̒͠͠͝-̶̨̡̡̛̛̻̻̠̪̠͓̪͇͕̞̫͉͉͖̯̦̘̻̘͋̓͋̊̑̏̉̀͆͌̈̀̒͊̈͛̌͋͐͊́̉͂̊̇̀̆͐͘̚̚̚ ̶̢̨͖͚̹͓̝͍̜̑̿N̸̡̻̞̣̦̞̗͎̠̩̱͖͎̤̮͕̩̲̻͖̟͇͚͔̟̙̙̖̳̥̰̦̳͎̝͎̐̆́͑͜ͅͅỡ̷̢̢̡̨̨̱̖̙͕̖̥̘̪͍̰͖̰̺̟̖̜̺̗̥̩̗͔̗̲̭̲̣̰̭̱͉̯̓̃̊̄̈́̀͌͑͆̅̍̉̄̓̐͘͜͜͜͠ͅͅ?̸̢̨̢̛̳̫̗͇͉͈͈̣̰̰̭̹̞͚̱̦̼̹̠̉̓̓̊̀͌̋͗̃̉̐̊͑́̈͐̎̍͋̀͊͒̒́͑̽͊̈̕̚̚̚͘͠͝͝͠ ̵̧̡̢̧̢̗͔̰̻̙̮͖̗̝̖̼̬̼̝̮͔̬̙̠̱͓̼̜̪̖̗͔̝͚̬͈̙̲̅͒̍̑͜ͅͅM̷̻̞͉͚̩͉͉̮̙̭̣͚̼͌̇͋̆͐̅̑̊̓̆͂͑͂͒͌̐̌̓͆̆̃̍̊̇͗͑̇̈́͛͗̓̓̋̐̄̈́̒̈́͘͘̕͘͝î̷͉̂̾̌̎̽̓̃͛̔̌͂̂̈̇̐͂͆̐̋̾̎͗͛͑̿̎́̽̽͛͠͠͝c̵̢̛͉̲̭͙̩͔̰͎̣͇̪̰͇͚͉̰̘͎̭͇͖̽̂̂̈́̿̽͊̅͛͐̋̀͆̃̀͊̌͊̍̉̓́̆̈́̓͌̅̅̎̒͗̒͜͝ȟ̷̡̗̺͉͕̹͓̮̲̦͙̪̮͉̩̙̪̠̳̰̗͇̖̠̬̭̗͎̰̥̞̻͍̤̋̍̏̅̂͠,̴̨̡̢̳̖͖̤̻͇̹̰̻͍͙̤̲͈͈̬̫̱͔̣̲͖̜̦̘͔͓̮̄̄̃̎̿̿̓̕͜ ̷̢̧̧̢̛̛̜͉̰̮̟̟͚̘̖̥̣̳͖͔͍͖͚̣̠̫̻̥̪̘͈̣̰̙̱͚͚̱̖̯̗̥̭̖̹̝̫̈́͒̀̋̊̑̇̅̃͐̈́̈̾̽͛͑͆͋͐̆̒̏̋̑̊̾̐͐̃͑̈̎̀̕̚̕̚̕ͅw̶̢̛͖̝͈̪̬͔̱͈̣̲͉̱̹̼̪̬͕̩̗̣̪̗̘̯̣̯̫̰̖̖̝̖̹̳̺̎͗̾̓̿̒̾̐̿͂͗̈́̔͗̓̑̾̏̌̃̽̂̕̚͘͝ͅͅé̷̡̯̜̪̝̗͕̼͖̳̤͉̘̪͕͖̮͍̳̬̜̫̩̣̪̞̝͍̯̟̯̳͚͍̱̟̜͇̩͉̟̬͙̘̄̀̑͗̃́͛͌̌̓̃̿̿̓͆͘͠ ̷̰̖̻͉̝̙͛̄̍͋͠͠͝d̴͖͖̯̹̜͇͎͈̈́́̌̈́̌͗̃̀̈́̃̓̆̃̌͘͠ǫ̵̡̨̛͇͓̻͙̟̱̣̳͓͙̼̳̟͓̭͕̫͖̼̳͕̙͇͇̞͚̺͖̱̖̝́͐̎͆͊̌̄̈̀̎̀̅̋̐̈̂̿́͂͗̊̔̇́̌̂̓͒̈̕̕͘͝͝ͅn̸̨̢̻͔̘̭̖̝̟̹̻̱̝͍̠͖͙̽̒̄͗̀̀̒͜’̵̨̡̢̦̯̗͇̪̫͕̗̩͖̠̹̖̪̬̭̲̲̦͈͖̫͂̅̓̔ͅͅt̸̛̺͎͔̞̥̯̓̍̋̋̿͋͊́͛̀̐̐̂͘ ̶̡̢̛̞̗̺͉̠̘͚͕͕̦͖̫͖̱̗̦͎͍̗͍͉̮͕̹̲̫̼̠̗̮͚̺̺̘̝̤̱̟̹̐́́̒̃̋̿̈́̔̈́̎̌͋̂̑̇̏̉̀͒̋͜͜͜͜͠ͅh̷͈̠͙͕͓̳̤̋͋͗͝a̷̧̅̈́v̸̨̨̧̢̨̛̛̥̳͓͙̼̹͍̩͍͖͎͍̗̘͇͚̟̟̹̘́̈̑̀͐̈́͂͊̉́̔͗͑̇̌̽̈̚̕̚͝͝͝ḙ̸̛̣̤͚͋̓̅̇͊̑̍̔͑̄̉̃̈́̃̋̿͑̄͆͐̆͊̍̂̊́͊̊͘͘͘͘̕̕̚͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͝ ̵̛̘̰͋̃̂̅̃͑̓͒̇̇́͐̏̾̍͒̄̀́́̂̏͛̊̚͝͝t̶̨̧̨̛̛̛̹̬̪͚͖̦̘̮͓͉̫̬̙͚̟̣͈̣͕̹̘͔͉̤̉̓͑̿̈́́̐̉̈́́͌̿̈́̈́̒͆͊͂̒̓̓̈́̀͊̅̓̓̒̓͒̚͘͝͝͠͝͠i̷̡̢̨̡̖̜̲̘̻̰̦͔̘̲̮͕̘̘̣̘͇̫̘͕͈̹͙̟͎̳̲̦͇̦̮̪̱̲̯̙̤̮̔̈̉̈́̀̈́̓͆͋̆̌͒͐̋̄̈́͑͌̈́̑͌̐͐̌͗̋́͒͆̉̊̕͜͜͜͠͝m̸̡̢̧̠̹̣̲͖͕͉̫̹̤̞̘̬̻̳͕͚͔̹̻̘͖̻̋̌̿̐̚͜ę̶̢̧̡̛̯̼̝͈̩̣̖̞̟̜͖̩̻͓̻̜͆́͗̓͌̈́̾̚͜͝ͅ.̴̢̡̺̜͇͍͕̰͕͉̟̗̯͕̻̜͖̙͓͙̜̭͂̃͋͑̉̾̌́̃̏̃͛̒͛̉͒̌̑̽̆̈́͛̎̈́̊̈͘͜͠͝͝”̴̢̤̣̪̥̳̞̝͉̼͎̜͙̝͍̤̲̗͍̠͎͌̈́̽̓̊̓͆͌̊̾̚̕͘͝

The scene in front of her was disturbing, sure. However she was never truly visually disturbed. It was the emotional disturbance of knowing she really would never see the real version of him again that had unsettled her. Still, she spoke on.

“I don’t know why you left... I don’t know why you never came back or even just broke up with me. I never got closure, that’s all I wanted. Because of you... Because of ME... I started drinking. Every night. Blacking out. Waking up. Repeating the day over and over again until 3 GOD DAMN YEARS PASSED. 3 years... Of doing NOTHING but wait at home, drink, and fucking lose myself in the process. There was no more spunk for you to come back to, there was no more fiery passion, there was just disdain and misery. I let go of myself, I gave up on myself. Seeing Riley... Every day it hurts. Knowing you named him, i-it’s a constant reminder of EVERYTHING you ripped away from me.”

The tears weren’t enough, there was some moments to breath before the next word was said, even some light sobs here and there. The pain continued to grow as this now grotesque creature grew still in front of her. There was nothing recognizable about it. It was no longer Ryan... But instead a distorted memory of what he became in her mind. A simple leech she held onto solely for the fact of keeping what she knew instead of what it was now. The voice that had distorted grew monstrously devious as it began to sound exactly like Ryan, despite the voice not matching the figure it stemmed from.

“I didn’t leave you... I didn’t leave you and Lance.”

Lance...

Her eyes widened a bit at the mention as her heart sunk further down once again. It was enough pause to send her into a state of derealization, only to come to when the monstrosity had made the decision to lunge at her. There was nothing comprehensible about this amalgamation, the image kept changing each time she looked. All she knew was that it existed and was out to fool her and harm her. Of course it would.

This is hell.

“You LEFT. You left us behind and DISAPPEARED.”

Her fists clenched, the power from the borrowed soul seemingly glowing gold in her veins, an urge from an outer source caused her to jump out of the way. Every attack was evaded instead of fought against. It’s all she could do. There were no weapons, there were too many risks with hand to hand at this point... All she could do was run away.

She’s so tired of it...

“YOU RIPPED IT ALL AWAY, ALL THE HOPES AND FUCKING DREAMS OF BECOMING A GOD DAMN FAMILY. WE HAD A FUTURE, RYAN, WE HAD PLANS AND GOALS AND DREAMS AND YOU ABANDONED US. YOU ABANDONED ME. AFTER BRINGING ME... FROM AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO FUCKED ME UP MENTALLY SO SEVERELY THAT I DID NOTHING BUT LASH OUT AT YOU, AFTER TAKING ME IN AND STAYING BY MY SIDE NO MATTER WHAT, NEVER LEAVING AND NEVER GIVING UP ON ME EVEN AFTER I SHOT YOU DEAD, DOING YOUR BEST TO BOND WITH... WITH MY S-SON... EVERYTHING... WE HAD EVERYTHING. I WAS EVEN TRYING MY BEST TO IMPROVE, TO BE THE BEST I COULD BE FOR YOU. YOU LEFT. YOU LEAVE, YOU DISAPPEAR... WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO, RYAN?!”

There was no hiding it this time. The tears were endless it seemed, it was agony. Misery and heartbreak at its core. Trying to lash out at the idea, the illusion of the cause of the pain... Never being able to face the source itself and instead having to let it all out on a figment of what it really was.

“I CAME BACK INTO THIS WORLD SOCIALLY AND I WAS TORN APART, RYAN... ALL I WANTED, ALL I FUCKING WANTED... WAS JUST TO BE LOVED. I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE AT THE TIME THAT IT DIDN’T NEED TO BE ROMANTIC. I CONSIDERED BARELY ANYONE A FRIEND... I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED. I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE DAVID AND PENNY, I DIDN’T HAVE MY FAMILY- I HAD NO ONE. I WAS ALONE... I WAS...”

There was no strength left to shout, no strength left to yell and lose her mind.

“I was so fucking alone... You- You were the first person to really teach me what love felt like. Romantically, you were truly the first person I’ve loved genuinely. I didn’t want to lose you... I loved you so much... I could tell you loved me. Every moment you got, you’d be right at my door. Then why... Why did you disappear..? So abruptly too... It makes me think something really happened, something prevented you from ever seeing me again. It just hurts so... So fucking much that I can’t help but blame you. You gave me the world and I wanted to return that favor.”

It seemed like her acceptance of the situation was shining through. The beasts attacks grew slower, the thing seemed far more fatigued than before. The more when she was in denial and anger, the bigger it seemed to be. Her acceptance and confrontation was slowly driving this monstrosity to the ground. Its unfathomable stature began to stiffen, gray discoloration growing from the bottom up. The monster must’ve been turning into stone.

“Even after I sent the message in December... It still hurts. I still held on, but I thought it would help. A-And it did... But it wasn’t enough.”

Looking to the side, an object that hadn’t been there before had now caught her eye. A rusted crowbar, how... Cliche. She made no rush as she walked over to pick it up, seeing now that the threat was barely able to move.

“Seeing you, even if it was fake, was what I needed. I’m know... I will never get closure on what I wanted closure on. All those questions unanswered, the answered speculated. It’s not doing me any good and I want to move on... So I’ll make my own closure.”

She raised the crowbar over the shoulder as if readying a bat in baseball. Her eyes stained with tears, the heartbreak still visible in her eyes and expression. Though she tried to force a smile, it was tight and painful to hold or even manage in the first place.

“Thank you for showing me what love was like.”

“Thank you for loving me no matter what I did...”

“Thank you for loving me.”

A bit of a lip quiver, but the woman took a deep breath at the figure. Within the blink of an eye, it pitched a last ditch effort to stop her despite being nearly completely turned to stone. The monster was back to Ryan’s form. As if he were right in front of her once again, reaching out with the same exact expression and pose he had right before he dropped dead during the time she had shot him to death. At this point, Mich was too far in to stop... Though she lowered the crowbar, arms practically limp for a moment before she dragged herself forward and wrapped her arms around the stone figure of Ryan. A desperate moment of weakness, just keeping him in a tight hug as she cried once more against the cold stone. All the memories of the past... The first time they met, the time he held her until she passed out, the time he ran to her house in the pouring rain, the time he kissed her for the first time, the Christmas party... Every single moment played in every detail as if they were all happening before her all over again, the memories swarmed through her mind. Moments go by for what seemed like hours. It was hard to break the embrace, having to force herself away with a couple sobs as she weakly stumbled back and stepped a few steps back more, raising the crowbar with shaky breathing. The crowbar trembled with her hand, but her determination to finally come to terms was enough to steady the shaking just a little bit.

“This is our last goodbye, Ryan.”

“Goodbye.”

Once that final parting was said, she took the crowbar and reeled back, swinging it towards the stone at full speed with a swift swing. The stone seemed to obliterate on impact, crumbling to near dust from top to bottom. As soon as that stone crumbled, it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from her shoulders. There were no more tears to cry. No more worries to contemplate. Whatever answers were needed before were no longer necessary now. For the first and last time regarding this subject, this topic and situation that has haunted her for years... She was finally free.

The gold in her veins dimmed as the light source extracted from her body. The empty husk-like feeling of being soulless dawned on her yet again, and the dread nearly kicked in until she realized that it wouldn’t be forever anymore. However... Seeing how weak Xephrel’s soul had gotten within 3 weeks... Of course it needed to return. The fact that this took longer than it was supposed to... Was far more concerning than she had anticipated. Had she not been so far gone with memory loss and near death... She feels it would be a bit easier. However now there’s no time for contemplating what could have been. She doesn’t have long before she won’t survive without a soul here.

Mich was tempted to drop the crowbar, but knowing this place, she decided to keep it on her. She might need it. Having regained memories and not having a soul to block out the call of others, there was a calling - a lure she hadn’t heard as clearly as before. A positive call, a welcoming energy, like running home to loving arms. In a negative realm like this, that could only mean one thing...

Her soul.

And so... She ran. She followed that calling, Mich ran as fast as she could towards the call. The feeling, the energy. It drew her in. She had that locked in, after weeks of getting nothing and getting nowhere, she has a lead and she’s following. The only thing to stop her now was death... But the clock was ticking.

So she ran.

And she kept running.

And she never stopped.

#[[Trail of Smoke]];; Drabble #[[gun powder]];; Mich #[[Pull the Trigger]];; ic

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kissingtruth · 3 years

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out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes:) | dsmp f!character insert

tw// blood, implications of murder, panic attack, and derealization

READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

Summary: OC is going thru some shit and, oh my god, she may have killed someone. *set after the Egg Arc:)*

Her chest heaves rapidly, tears welling in her eyes as she grips onto the door way, one hand clawing over her chest, trying to get rid of whatever was causing her this pain. Tears fall to the wooden floors of her home, darkening the wood in the process. A voice inside her speaks, “Just like you, tainted with darkness.” It spoke, taunting her.

“No,” She shook her head, knees colliding roughly against the floor as she falls. “No,” She repeats once more, swallowing the forming lump in her throat, but to no avail. It’s still there, much like the blood in the kitchen sink and the blood trailing from an unknown point of origin to her home. It’s everywhere, wherever she may look, there is a trace of blood, a reminder of what she can’t control, of what she was brought here to do.

A worried Tubbo bursts into her home, “What happened?” He asked in a hurry. She doesn’t reply, worsening her current state. “Angelica, please talk to me.” He begs, approaching slowly as to not agitate her further. Tubbo looks around her home, seeing it in a disarray was a stark difference to the usual warm and homey feel it usually had. “Tech…” She begins to speak. “Techno,” She looks at him, wet cheeks and reddened nose, “Call Techno, please.” She lets out the last part of her plead as a whisper. “Will you be okay alone?” Tubbo asked.

“Just call him!” She yelled, voice hoarse. Tubbo was taken aback, but does what he’s told nonetheless.

“Funny how you’re named Angelica, when you’re far from being an Angel.” Taunts the voice in her head. “Stop, please.” She’s breathless now, she doesn’t know how she’s out of breath.

“Need more blood.” The eerie voice returns.

“Blood,”

“No.” Angelica fights back.

“Blood.”

“No!”

“Blood.”

“No-“

“Angelica!”

Her eyes open, standing before her is Technoblade and Philza, worry etched in their features as they enter her home. “What happened?” Techno asked. She shakes her head, mouth opening to say something, but doesn’t.

The sight of Technoblade and Philza's worried faces as they reach for her were the last she remembers before darkness encapsulates her being.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Just exploring the idea of having a character related to the egg and the L'manberg crater. Don't ask me how it happens, it just does. I like to think that in the DSMP, anything is possible, even the creation of a being from nothing to existence. Also, I just wanted to play around the idea of having another mentally unstable that is similar to techno. Also, I'm making a prediction that they defeat the egg lol. If they don't then, this isn't canon. Also, I am not totally following cannon in this Drabble bc canon lore is so fucking confusing.

Also, pls give me feedback! hehe<3

#dsmp oc #dsmp fics #dream smp #kissingtruth

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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I really shouldn’t do this. Just thinking about people who are no longer a part of my life either because they decided to stop talking to me or because I decided it was better to part ways. And it’s making me sad and I hate it. Mainly because I’m again starting to feel invisible and lonely and apparently I then tend to torture myself even more by making me go and do things that I then associate with these people.

But I also hate it how I feel like I don’t have a normal concept of human relation(ship)s at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have played just too much The Sims games in my life (I started when I was 9 so I have played these games for 20 years) because I feel like the way I see the relationships is exactly how it is in the sims games. Don’t interact in a while and soon you get a message “you are no longer friends with X”. That’s literally how I feel friendships in my head. I feel like whenever there’s a long pause, that will mean that the friendship will be automatically reset back to 0 by time. Whenever there’s something we both like and have in common, it’s immediate green plus marks on the friendship and a positive moodlet. When we disagree or don’t have something in common, it will give red minus marks. And maintaining relationships feels as difficult as it is in the sims games too - tell them the same thing twice and it will be minus points. Tell them a thing they don’t like and it’s minus points, if you’re too close to 50%, maybe it drops from friends to acquintances. If you tell a succesful joke, you’re friends again. And right now I’m feeling like I’m “losing” all my friends because there’s been too huge pause with everyone and I feel sad about anything I associate with them because I feel like a friendship is over even when no one has said anything like that. It’s all in my head and it’s like a delusion because the second someone talks to me again, I forget ever even having such feels. But when the next pause comes, I again start to prepare myself for the moment where I’m left alone and never talked to again. Maybe I just have had this kind of situations so often in my life that I’m already preparing myself for that moment so that it won’t be that big of a shock when it happens.

I know it’s not healthy and it’s not RIGHT towards my friends to constantly be like this but can I change? Is there anything I could do to change this? I don’t always even recognize when I’m doing this, only lately I have woken up to this and it makes me feel bad because, like that one post I made several weeks ago, I’m really concerned that am I one of those unstable friends that will drive everyone around them into exhaustion eventually. Are people getting out of my life only to protect themselves? I feel like I’m always just too much to everyone and that I’m left alone in the end because I’m the only one who cannot escape me. I have to live with my brains and listen to all the shit it comes up. I’d love to cancel myself too if I could, but I can’t.

When my depersonalization/derealization was at its worst, I acually felt like I was invisible. Some days I was legit wondering if I was even alive. I was wondering if I was a ghost or idk, in a coma but just had no clue. I felt like people did not see me anywhere, I still can remember being to a grocery store and almost being run over by someone with a shopping cart and so many people almost walked against me and I just remember that moment so well as I got really frustrated and I was almost certain that I must be invisible, how else would people almost run over me with a shopping cart and they did not even look at me, as if I was not even there! Some days I thought maybe my minor car crash in 2010 put me into coma (yeah, Life On Mars uk much???) because I haven’t felt like the time would have passed AT ALL since that. I still feel like I’d be 19 and I’m supposed to be 29. Like, HOW???

And now I’m starting to have that feel of being invisible again. I have a nice amount of followers on Tumblr and this is something that I don’t really want to address at all because I appreciate every single one there and I could not care less about the number itself. But I’m starting to feel like... how could I gain more followers who would be interested in my stuff too? Like, I feel like talking to walls here. I bet no one is reading this post either. I so often feel like venting and writing down my thoughts but then I feel like there’s no point in that because I could as well write in a diary, which I hate, because as many people are going to read these as there’s people who can read my diary. Aka none. Not even me. I don’t like reading my diary and usually I also do not come back to these posts I put in Tumblr. Sometimes I browse my posts and am like “wtf have I been writing???” but I guess that’s the main point too, just to get it out of my system and I don’t need them back, mainly because they never really leave, they just evolve into new stuff I will vent here sooner or later too.

I am an attention whore who is afraid of being the center of attention. Sure if I tagged my posts more I might get more people to find me but I’m also afraid of being found or that my personal posts get reblogged. I don’t really want these to be on anyone’s dash except when it’s my original post. My social anxiety is afraid of notes and my HSP is afraid of the reactions I might get because of notes. But whenever I do something that I wish would get notes, I get none. And every time that happens, my perfectionism feels violated and I feel like a failure and that I suck at everything ever. Sometimes I am even shocked by the fact I post something like this and then suddenly remember that I have no idea how many people out these even is seeing these on their dash. What do they think? Do they see these and be like “oh god again that pathetic creature is whining some shit *eyeroll*” or do they just skip because idc.

I have so many times in my life felt like I am less than everyone else. It’s because when I was 13, my best friend turned out to be a narcissist (if that is possible for a 13-years-old) and we stopped being friends and eventually I made everyone else mad at me too and was alone, lonely and hated by everyone for a couple of years and your teens is the worst time for that to happen. I still don’t know if I was the villain or those girls. So I start feeling like a failure and worse than everyone very easily. AT some point I tried to get attention with my art but I didn’t succeed and I always felt like a failure then. “I should be better at arts, maybe I’d then be seen and approved.” During my worst time I actually thought I was relating to Garfield’ Jon so much and I legit thought I exist in this world only so that everyone else can feel a little bit better about themselves because there’s always at least one person who is worse than them. I literally felt like the meaning of my life was to make others feel better just because of how much of a loser I am. That’s why I feel sad when I see people getting asks all the time. I’m not really jealous or angry, I’m just sad because it just makes me remember how useless I am and how boring my life is and how bring absolutely nothing to this world and how... just invisible I am. I bet all ask posts have been on people’s dashes but no one just find me interesting enough to send questions. But I can’t blame them, because would I send myself asks if I was someone else and saw me on their dash? No. (Well, soon I will if no one else does, let’s see how out of my mind I will look for other people then lol.) I’d probably just unfollow my user because of what a pain in the ass I really am after all.

So whatever, a long post and useless blabber and just letting out some steam. I’ll go to watch some TV now and try to get over this. I’m also feeling like I hate Tumblr, I don’t want to come here to be disappointed because no one wants to know anything about me but I also can’t keep myself away from here because I want to know if I’ve got any asks because that would be some interesting stuff to do for my brains. So it’s like I have my hopes high only to be crushed in a minute and I keep doing this cycle every 5 minutes because I can’t decide if I should be a pessimist or an optimist.

Gosh, am I being selfish or what? I hate being selfish and I hate selfish people. But why am I still constantly talking about myself? Hypocrite much??? I wish I could unfollow the “blog” in my brains.

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts #oh look it's just me hating myself aka absolutely nothing to see here #personal #long post #rsd #or is that even rsd???

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pontia-archive · 6 years

Text

on birth and beginning

Aphrodite was not born knowing how to function as an adult, despite being born into an adult body. I think I’ve written about this before, but the only place I can find it is in my Titanomachy post, and it’s barely mentioned. I also don’t know that I have gone into how she was raised and taught social norms, so here goes:

Aphrodite was born without knowledge of her body, her emotions, or the world around her. She would have been easy to take advantage of, and easy to manipulate, but she was luckier than to run into someone who would do that, at least not at first. Instinct was enough to take her further into the sea, to allow her to submerge herself without fear of drowning.

Being born this way: an a blank slate in a grown woman’s body, was nothing short of traumatizing for Aphrodite. As this isn’t an experience that is really possible to replicate in humans, so it’s hard to really find an example to point out, but it’s similar to the experience feral children raised in isolation/confinement, without the growing up part. She had no knowledge of language or culture, no knowledge in what her emotions were, what her body could do or was supposed to do.

She merely suddenly existed as an adult without any experience of becoming one. It was disorienting; she had thoughts but could not voice them. She had no concept of time or location; she did not know when or where she was. She had emotions but no way to deal with them or understand them, and being who she was destined to become, they were strong and frightening, though she didn’t know what that was. Her body was also something akin to a strange vessel. She didn’t grow up with her body; her consciousness was born at the same time as her body, and anything apart from an innate sense of “me” was something that was overwhelming to be in contact with.

This caused long-term dissociation from her body, her thoughts, and her emotions. She might have been considered suffering from a dissociative disorder, according to the DSM-5, as the five core symptoms are1:

amnesia: recurrent memory problems, often described as "losing time", these gaps in memory can vary from several minutes to years.

Due to a lack of understanding of time, Aphrodite was unable to keep track of it, or of her moments in time, often losing them and being unable to tell you what happened and when.

depersonalization: a sense of detachment or disconnection from one’s self, this can include feeling like a stranger to yourself, feeling detached from your emotions, feeling robotic or like you are on autopilot, or feeling like a part of your body does not belong to you.

Due to her lack of understanding of her own thoughts, emotions, and body, she pulled back mentally, unable to associate what was happening with herself as part of her core sense of ‘self.’

derealization: a sense of disconnection from familiar people or one’s surroundings, for example, close relatives or your own home may seem unreal or foreign.

Unaware of her own surroundings, nothing seemed real. This continued even after she was taken in by foster parents ( to be discussed in a later headcanon post ), as nothing around her felt permanent or real.

identity confusion: an inner struggle about one’s sense of self/identity, which may involve uncertainty, puzzlement or conflict.

This one should be self-explanatory, but due to her own lack of self instilled by an upbringing with parents, or a growth into a fully-adult consciousness, she had no grip on herself or who she was. She had this conscious sense of ‘self,’ but did not know what this meant or what it was.

identity alteration: a sense of acting like a different person some of the time

The definition goes on to give examples: Recognizable signs of identity alteration include using of different names in different situations, discovering you have items you don't recognize, or having a learned skill which you have no recollection of learning. This one appears in early Aphrodite in the fact that she commonly would do something out of reflex/say something that she had no idea she knew about. In part, this was that the childlike Aphrodite born unaware of her surroundings was growing separately from the goddess Aphrodite and her abilities and understandings that no one else could teach her. However, the goddess abilities were not developing after she had learned basic language and culture; they developed at the same time.

While it is clear that a lot of this does stem from her unusual birth circumstances, this does not make the traumatic outcome of this portion of her existence any less so. She still experienced a long period of time where she did not feel as if she had any sense of existence or feeling in this world, and although this is not something that humans cannot just grow out of2, she did have to learn how to function as an adult before she was ever a child, and, essentially, grow out of that phase.

She could not learn these things on her own, but since this post is already so long, I will discuss how she came to be who she is in a subsequent headcanon post, and how this beginning has affected her to this day.

1. This information was found here: http://traumadissociation.com/dissociative.

2. I want to stress that I am in no way attempting to diminish the experience of people who suffer from this in their real lives, as it’s not something you can just learn to grow out of. In her situation, it was something that could largely be left behind just by her learning what language was, what her emotions were, and the like, as that was the source of it. As some evidence does suggest that dissociative disorders do stem from trauma, this is obviously not the case for human sufferers of a dissociative disorder. And for Aphrodite herself, she has not been able to leave it entirely behind.

*Another note that I am not a psychologist and I am merely doing my best to explain how I have conceived of her and her experience through human experiences and knowledge that is available to me at this point in time. If I made a mistake, my apologies.

#headcanon.#this is something that has informed my conception of her from the beginning #but isn't something i have explicitly written about

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