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rabbityshen · 3 years

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a post got me thinking abt this (and i didnt wanna add to the notes plus it is a bit on the mean side) on the one hand, i think some ppl can be kind of mean abt "tropes" as a lens of talking abt fiction. ppl having fun is fine. i have fun. it can feel like "ugh you're not taking fiction seriously" vibes, which i think is good to keep in check as that sentiment can poison the well and put ppl on defense which i dont think is conducive. i also think it can be condescending to presume "you only talk abt x in y way which means you're incapable of discussing x (or anything else) in z way."

on the other hand, i do find tropes, and in this case i mean the more modern rendition of "ao3 tags" as i saw someone phrase it as, just personally v confusing and limiting. i understand what tropes are but they're vague in the same way genre is, but unlike genre, are looser and more emotionally tilted in a way that can limit discussion. i mean, i do find it useful sometimes, like i do have trope preferences certainly and i think that's fun to talk abt in a "what do i get out of this" way in a general sense. but besides the obvious problem of not all fiction necessarily having or fitting these tropes (esp since they're predominantly romance oriented), or suiting even the common tone of such discussion, i just dont find tropes particularly illuminating when discussion often boils down to "i love this/i hate this" in emotionally hyperbolic ways. it also just doesnt fit discussion of stories that arent invested in pleasant or fun emotional catharsis, let alone stories that aren't linear or are more experimental in structure. (and also like, if u get why applying tvtropes, which at least isnt romance-centric, onto all fiction can be kinda cringey and just v limiting, then it also applies here.)

even when it comes to my preferences, it can rly vary depending on the execution of the story itself, whether im reading amateur fanfic or pro published original fiction, or anything else. for example, i would say i like enemies to lovers, but this doesnt mean im inclined to like every rendition of it (i disliked rey and kylo's arc, i liked catra and adora's arc). even when im casually reading fanfic, im not gonna read every enemies to lovers ship. i am moderately picky and very lazy!

and at least enemies to lovers describes a relationship arc that can encompass an entire narrative. "sharing a bed" is a scene prompt? it's fine but means nothing to me. if a story sucks to me then no i wont like it, if a story is good to me then yeah i'll like it. i cant rly say if i "like" that trope in isolation bc i've seen shitty versions, fun versions, boring versions, etc.

and then top of this, sometimes ppl have v specific ideas of what tropes mean. back to enemies to lovers, i've seen ppl use it to refer to intense mutual antagonism that ties into the entire plot or just moderate stakes act 1 romcom personality clash/bickering that eases into real friendship by act 2. i can sure propose my own definition but it does seem like it's more charged to whatever someone's own personal preferences are than any kind of meaningful analysis or categorization.

i guess what im getting at is "tropes" seem to invoke the idea of specificity w/o really engaging w/ it or w/ clarity. i think obv if you are talking abt trends or patterns across fiction, you will generalize. but there are usually reference point bc the analysis comes out of the engagement w/ fiction first. often tropes are invoked in a way where there is no reference point, or it's imagined (or assumed) to an unhelpful degree, and then is applied as it's concrete and objective bc the trope itself exists within a vacuum.

ultimately tho this mode of discourse is mostly harmless if somewhat annoying. i have no idea if this is true to "real life" or whatever that means lol

#malia: human disaster #sorry once again for typing a lot

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destinyc1020 · 3 years

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To add into the confusion. Dom posted a pic of him and Tom saying Father’s Day with Tom and they golfed. But clearly it rained and it hasn’t been raining in London today. And someone dm’d the Paris Disney guy Ans he said he deleted it saying Disney didn’t want to make It a big deal since it was just promo. Making it seem like he is there? I’m so confused lol

Lol oh gosh....🤦🏾‍♀️

I'm just gonna wait and see what happens at this point, coz all of this is just confusing lol....🙃

Maybe Dom was doing some lite damage control so that fans don't ambush Tom at Disneyland today rofl 😂 Some anons were saying they got the impression that Tom wouldn't be around for Father's Day today, based on what Dom had said earlier in his patreon. So go figure. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Or, it could be that Twitter ppl are lying and he's not actually there in Paris lol. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Look, I'm just gonna wait and see what happens lol 😆 With time always comes clarity.

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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dkettchen · 5 years

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BLACK MIRROR S5E1 “STRIKING VIPERS” E X P L A I N E D

-with the help of gender and game theory-

Y’all asked for it so here we go

Some things before we start: -If you were watching the episode looking for gay/trans shit, and got disappointed, I’m sorry but I can’t help you because that’s just not what the episode was about and that is ok. It explored some aspects of queer experience, and the limbo between queer and cis-straight experience, that isn’t usually addressed in such an honest and indepth way, which I think is just as important as trans or gay rep. -I will focus my analysis on the core theme of what certain academics writing about androgyny call the “moment of transgression” so in this case the question of ‘what is Karl/Roxette’s deal & what does that mean for Danny/Lance’s feelings toward and interactions with them?’. -CW: transphobia, homophobia, toxic masculinity, (rpg) uncanny valley stuff, you get it, you know what subjects we’ll be talking about here.

Now!

I’d like to start by pointing out the title “Striking Vipers” to get the phallus talk out of the way right off the bat x’D: It’s a very blatant penis metaphor, and Vipers specifically are venomous, so represent toxic masculinity. The image of them striking signals danger. The repetition of phallic symbols represents the threat of castration (see medusa turning them bois to stone & the heroic masculinity of the mirror shielded boi who managed to defeat her), which to phallocentric masculinity is the scawiest thing there is (losing the phallus = losing manhood = death?? I guess??). Striking Vipers means that toxic masculinity, by nature, is a threat to itself. (I could talk for hours about the exact warped logic of phallocentricity but Imma spare y’all cause I don’t think it’s relevant for this, I’d even go as far as saying this episode was anti-phallic (which I use here as a more inclusive word for “feminist”, as the episode’s core is about two guys, but still focused on them experiencing and embracing feminine power and freeing themselves from phallocentricity(/patriarchy)’s grasp, just like “what men want” was preoccupied with the toxic masculinity of its female protagonist)) That sets up the kind of horror the episode will be about, the male fear of castration, of loss of identity, of having to face the fact that traditional masculinity is toxic even to the people who conform to it. 10/10 title choice.

Next up: the core question of what label to put on Karl and Danny’s VR interactions (‘Fellas, is it gay to fuck ur best friend in a lady body in VR?’). Which leads to the first question which is: what gender is Karl when he’s playing as Roxette? An essentialist might say: ‘Well he’s a man irl so he’s still a man even if he plays with a female avatar. Danny’s attraction to him is either him being trapped or just plain old gay.’ But I don’t think that’s the case. It’s not a trap scenario (have some videos on traps and how they’re not real actually: (x.), (x.)), because both people involved know the exact parameters of the situation. Danny knows this is Karl in Roxette’s body, there’s nothing hidden, no misunderstanding to be had here. I also don’t think it’s gay because if it was this would’ve happened irl or with two male avatars, but it only happened once one of them was in a female avatar, that was the change that made it happen. It’s not a fetishising phallic/trans women scenario either, because it’s the opposite, it’s a man’s mind in a woman’s body. There’s no doubt about Karl being a man irl, a queer man sure, but definetely a man. He’s just too into -womanhood while playing her for me to say he’s still male when he’s in that form, like Karl as Roxette isn’t a trans guy as a man’s mind in a female body usually would be (like f.e. Ranma 1/2), I also don’t think Karl as Roxette is an androgyne/non-binary/third term either, because again, he’s embracing her womanhood and the role that comes with it, to the extreme that is hetero PiV sex, too much. I’d argue what we see is the closest to the liberation and euphoria described by other queer men when doing drag, she’s just a more extreme version of drag, of crossplaying, making the fantasy real, wearing not only the clothes of a woman but the body too. Roxette as Karl’s avatar is an alter ego, who is female, so -on the risk of sounding like the biggest performativist since Judith Butler- Karl as Roxette presents as female, so, for all intents and purposes, is female in that moment, regardless of his irl persona maintaining his male gender outside of that.

But that wasn’t what we wanted to know, was it. Because even if, in the moment that Karl plays Roxette, we can say that person is female, that doesn’t eliminate the fact that Karl, outside of that, isn’t and that he’s still the one playing her. It’s the notion of how the player/actor/performer and avatar/character/persona aren’t the same thing and can have different relationships with someone in real life vs in the game, and how that can be confusing to think about because there is no clear line between the two, something that is called “bleed” in ludology(/game studies, from lat. ludus: game or school; referring to the gladiator schools in like the colosseum), despite their relationships being fundamentally different (in this case friendship irl vs passionate love in game). Take TAZ as an example: The McElroys are related, but in playing a trpg, the DM, usually Griffin, takes up the mantle of all NPCs in the game world, including love interests. Griffin played Julia, Kravitz, and Danny (different Danny lol), but he’s talking to his brother, except he isn’t, is he, cause it’s not Griffin talking and it’s not his brother responding, it’s two characters interacting. A similar uncanny valley can be found in actor/character bleed: Take Ludi and Pom (the actors for Lance and Roxette) in this one: like 80% of their screentime was spent making out or having fake sex. These actors aren’t dating (as far as I’m aware lol), this is their job, to fake love each other on screen, imagine having to do that with a coworker you feel nothing for. It’s the characters that feel something and you have to play that feeling (which is so meta at that point, they’re playing characters that are avatars being played by characters in the show). Also, talking of role-playing, can we appreciate the scene of Danny & Theo at the bar where they’re role-playing and she’s like that was hot and he’s like mental note bae’s into role-playing, because DAMN that foreshadowing of the erotic potential of roleplay as a concept.

But it’s not role-playing really either with Danny and Karl, is it? They’re playing in avatars other than themselves but they’re not fully a different person. They still very much feel the same just in a different form. Their emotions are real even though they might only apply to part of their experience, the in-game part. Yet they obviously take them seriously and personal and get influenced by them outside the game. Maybe the question is what is and is not role-playing? Where does the bleed start and end, and do we even need to know the answer to those questions? They answer those questions for themselves in the end by testing out their feelings irl to see if they track or not, fully ready for both possibilities (which 10/10 character development love it). They want clarity. It’s about the emotional limbo fantasy brings with it. It’s the same question “Are traps gay” is about. (Not the “Is it ok to feel attracted to androgynous ppl” one necessarily, but) “Does feeling attracted to the fantasy mean you feel attracted to the “real” thing underneath?” Are the feelings for the fantasy alone or also for the reality? Are they only applicable to the latter and does that change something about what you thought you knew about yourself? It’s a question about the fringe edges of limited/monosexuality and the very fabric of reality.

Let’s return to Karl to look at his experience as Roxette. We’ve established that she is female, but what is Karl while playing her? In the spirit of queer drag as liberating, it’s almost like he’s taking a break from being Karl when playing as her. Drag, crossplay, or this extreme version of it, functions as a break from the toxicity and limitations of traditional gender roles (so in this case traditional masculinity). It is freeing, though what does it free? Some genderless spirit inhabiting each person? But then how do you explain the firm gender identity lots of people, including for all we know Karl, experience in everyday life? As a trans person I know that there is SOMETHING to gender on some level that can create gender dysphoria (social and/or physical) for people when put in a body they don’t identify with. As a drag performer, trpg enthousiast, and notorious crossplayer, I know that taking a break from that reality and being somebody else can be relieving, a break from your own problems. So what is that part of us that translates into fantasy? I feel like this goes into transhumanist territory which I don’t know enough about to even attempt to provide an answer. I think what it comes down to in terms of gender theory is, this is a situation at the height of where performativism is true and relevant. There is a relativity to the nature of reality and gender itself. Whatever base essence there is that causes gender dysphoria at a mismatch between outside and inside, doesn’t apply here. Both notions (of essential and performative gender) are real and have an impact on people but neither is always the case and neither is never the case. They’re not mutually exclusive.

So, seeing as it seems impossible to pinpoint what gender Karl/Roxette qualifies as (other than all and/or none), let’s look at the nature of Danny/Lance and Karl/Roxette’s interactions and feelings toward those interactions and each other to try and contextualise what label(s) they might fit under. The desire on Danny’s side when faced with Roxette’s form shows itself in a way he’d never feel toward Karl. That visual change, and the social changes it brings with it (in gender role), makes it so extreme, because it pairs the parts of his friend he appreciates and enjoys (personality and whatever deeper connection a close friendship brings with it), with a form that is attractive to him. That change translates to Karl too. In playing with this new form that has a different role and a different effect on someone he’s known for so long, he flows into that, melts into this new persona and lives it up! The way they interact in game isn’t gay. It is very much reflecting how straight attraction and female sexuality works. On one hand it’s based in undeniable difference (hetero = different), and on the other hand Karl/Roxette’s enjoyment thereof is based in being desirable, in having that power of seduction just by existing, that notion of feminine power and the freedom that comes with it. It’s not autogynephilia, that would imply he gets off on the idea of himself as a woman, which is not the case, he gets off on being desired as a woman, which is what female sexuality is about (source: ContraPoints’ Autogynephilia video (which I recommend, it’s very good))

Still whenever Karl tries to get Danny to keep having VR sex with him/Roxette, he talks about her in 3rd person, like a persona. In saying “it’s just like porn” he poses something that is very much a different activity (acting out the porn by -doin’ it-) as a homosocially (social as opposed to sexual/romantic) acceptable one (watching porn together which I’ve been told is a thing). He attempts to differentiate himself from his female persona and enjoyment there-of (by objectifying her, like a porn actress to be watched rather than identified with), himself and Danny from the queerness (in enjoying femininity and in Danny being down with basically fucking a drag-queen) and to retreat back into heteronormative traditional masculinity, away from the scawy unknown of exploring your sexuality. His internalised homo- and transphobia makes him suppose that Danny, as a supposed straight guy, will only respond to the safety of assured non-queerness, which, honestly, I don’t think is the case with him. Karl supposes his cancelling on him and not wanting to do it anymore is out of the fear for his sexual identity or whatever, but from what I can tell, while Danny also seems to be rather confused about what it all means, the reasons he cancels their nightly sessions, and rejects Karl/Roxette, are always about not wanting his marriage to fall apart. He quite clearly prefers hot VR sex to hanging out with his wife, and cancels out of duty to her rather than fear. Even the first time they kiss, Karl is the one to freak out first. Danny seems much calmer about the attraction part of the situation, to the point of in the end being the one to take initiative and make them try it out irl to put an end to the confusion.

The episode hits hard because it takes the way men play video games and brings it to its logical conclusion. Video games are mens safe-space, and they do play with that playful flirty banter. The show takes that and makes it real, including taking it to its extreme conclusion that is -doin’ it-. It infiltrates the male safe space by taking normalised behaviour, and taking it so far that it puts traditional masculinity and heteronormative attraction in question, the very thing the safe space was supposed to protect them from. That’s why it’s existentially horrifying for the main characters (and viewers that identify with them) and qualifies as a black mirror episode even without having a homo-/trans-/biphobic ending (like other media that put traditional masculinity in question usually do, not to mention all the horror based in queer-coding)

Hope y’all enjoyed this journey into a bit of mind-bending game and gender theory! Pls don’t expect me to do this like ever again bc I need to go work on my actual essay rip x’D

#long post #Black Mirror #BM: Striking Vipers #games studies #gender studies

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headspace-hotel · 5 years

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You could have a character realize they're wrong and try to fix it (of course don't forget about possible consequences) but if ur going that route make it clear there racist from the beginning. In psychology the first impression is important because it's long lasting and hard to change, same is true for characters in books. So show them to be themselves and racist the first time there introduced and then go from there. if they're racist they dont have a heart of gold. This is only my opinion tho

Don’t worry, I want people’s opinions and they are important. And I meant “racist with a heart of gold” as just the name of the trope basically, not implying I agree with it

So like, I’d like to invite some clarity: I feel like people have a lot of working definitions of “racism” and what people mean by it can often shift.

Like, I hear a lot of times that white people inevitably have racist ideas/stereotypes internalized just from living in a prejudiced society. This comes across as making sense to me, since I grew up knowing a lot of people who would never be actually violent or hateful toward someone based on race, but might do things like believe stereotypes or joke offhandedly about how “black names are weird” or something. Or they would be offended by anti-police sentiment among black ppl, sometimes out of genuine ignorance of the relationship between black ppl and cops in America, they’d just assume the justice system worked exactly the way it was supposed to.

So there’s that. And white ppl have to realize that they think these things, and why. And I’m my experience ppl don’t even realize they think some of the things they do because of racism. Some people, when you point it out for them, will get really defensive. Others will be like “oh I never realized that.”

And yet. Racism means a whole lot of violence, injustice, and cruelty. And it also means even the littlest things that are kind of the background noise of living in this society we live in. That’s what I’m hearing, or starting to observe. I’ve seen extremely various levels that people are complicit in racism. Which makes this complicated. That is I’m not sure there’s a racist vs. not racist dichotomy so much as an “I’m trying to reject racism” vs. “not trying at all.”

Like a person can have racist beliefs or not, but some people, even if their theoretical belief system is one of equality and everyone having value, don’t practice what they think they believe in their life or even in their thoughts. Even some *violent* racists probably THINK they believe everyone is equal.

So racism= bad and needs to die, but I’m not sure there are two types of people here. Obviously whether someone is a genuinely good person is likely to be a determining factor in where they fall tho.

But it’s hard to figure out because on the one hand: racism is an evil and causes violence and suffering. On the other hand: almost every white person, at least in America (I’m not sure about every single other country) holds some kind of deep-seated racist assumption or belief somewhere just from living in this society, being exposed to racist stereotypes in media, absorbing racist messages, having racist upbringing. It seems to me like what matters is whether you’re aware and working against it or not. At least that’s what I’ve worked out.

I’m very tired, so I’m sorry if this is confusing and I will probably actually have to go to bed soon.

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otakurandomness · 7 years

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ah kay refined a draft bit, i showed it to my writing class and a lot of ppl really liked it xD

i was so surprised they did and it was the first time i showed something i worked hard on, and a lot of ppl like it, it was a great feeling, and i was kind embarrassed and couldnt stop smiling all day lol xD anyway here it is if anyone wants to read it

Do you hear voices? Do you hear them whisper? Like me? No? I wonder... Hey, tell me... what makes for a great story? Does one need be a genius to make a masterpiece? Do masterpieces need to be hanged upon a wall? Do walls need to be built to separate space? Space… I wonder...Space…Us...It all starts to make sense...doesn’t it? Ah you’ll understand won’t you, in time you’ll understand, you’re still reading after all, right? I only ask that you read carefully, you might just miss something.

♛|♙♟|♕

“Hannah? Hannah Rodriguez?” I hear a woman calling my name. “Yes?” “You’re assigned to John Mcallen, here’s his file, he’s in room 715, up the elevator down the left corridor.” I smile and joke “Thank you, I’ll try not to get to lost.” She hands me the file and asks “Ah, new here?” “Kinda, I’ve been working mostly in the PTSD and Substance abuse sections in the left ward, I haven’t worked here yet, I just got transferred.” She looks at me, pauses to think for a moment and says “Well, it’ll take some getting used to...schizophrenia can be very unpredictable, and very different than what you’ve dealt with so far, I’m sure you’ll find your way around though, we all do.” I nod, start to turn and walk toward the elevator “I understand, and thanks again, I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

I go up to the 7th floor, and take that left, I can’t help but notice how different this building looks compared to the other one, it’s a lot older since it been around since the 1880s and with it’s new remodeling, it strangely looks home like. I walk down the hall skimming his file, I see the words, Temperamental; Unpredictable; prone to repeated active episodes. The numbers 715 finally come up, I try to prepare the best I can, shake out the nerves and start to knock.

“Mr.Mcallen? I’m Hannah, I’ll be your new nurse, would it be okay if I come in?”

Some sounds of frantic shuffling, of moving things about are heard within the room and after a short while, a man with a panicked yet polite tone in his voice, finally replies “Ah yes Hannah Rodriguez, yes, yes, come in, come in, please make yourself at home.”

I used my staff key to unlock the door, and step slowly in the room, so to not startle him “Hi, Mr. Mcallen, I hope we can get along, I’ll be here if you ever need anything”

“Yes, t-thank you” He says softly while fidgeting, moving his head about and rubbing his hands together. Looking at him, he seems about 50 with his mostly gray but occasional black strands of hair and a long salt and pepper beard; he seems as tall as me, but he’s hunching and his head keeps looking down. I look at his file again, words that caught my eye were Hears voices, Obstructed sense of reality, and Episodes triggered by delusions of “The End” perplexed I ask him “Hey do you mind if we talk for a bit? So we can get to know each other.”

“Oh, no, no, no, I-I don’t mind, I already know so much about you, it’s only fair.” he say while elaborately gesturing me to a chair next to the tv.

“Oh, have they told you about me before I came?” “They who?” he asks, eyes widen “Which they?” I worry he’ll get upset if I push any farther, so I try to change the subject “So, it says here-” “Ms. Rodriquez? It’s time to distribute the medication, could you come help?” It’s the woman from before, “Yeah, I’ll be right there. Okay we’ll talk some other time Mr. Mcallen”

♛|♙♟|♕

Do you know what is real? I don’t. I’ve been told nothing is. The voices...I wonder...What is one’s destiny? Does destiny mean fate? Is all things predetermined? Predetermined to be as they are, even if all is not real? Tell me are stories real? Do you believe in stories? Are you still reading? Listen, there are voices here, if there are none there then...I wonder...what makes for a great story? One, another could believe? Or one, another could never determine? Are you still reading? Still following along? Good, I hope you enjoy, here’s the next part.

♛|♙♟|♕

“Hey, Hannah do you hears voices?” John asks me while looking out the window lost in thought. I pause for a moment from folding clothes and sheets. “Sometimes, just my own though, sometimes all talking at once, it happens when I get overwhelmed and can’t think straight.”

“What do they say?” John asks “All kinds of things, my worries, my dreams, my fears, that of kind thing.” He looks, staring off mindlessly, solemnly, almost in a trance. “How about you, John?, do you hear voices?”

“Yes, yes, I do...” he answers as he puts his hand over the glass, tracing the rains drops on the window

“What do they say?” There’s a long silence where only the ambiance of rain and thunder conversate.

“They talk about The End. They talk about how it’s almost time. They said you coming, meant The End.” His tone being so calm and matter-of-fact, it took me aback. His posture and speech being so uncharacteristically composed, gave me for some reason a slight feeling of dread, for some reason I believe him.

On break I search through his file again. I find out that he was a physics professor at Yale; His symptoms didn’t show until he was in his early 40s...that’s uncommon, for males, usually the illness manifests in their early 20’s, I’m sure though that doesn’t mean anything. I read more thoroughly this time and come across the section where his therapist leaves notes.

A year go: Delusions of hearing other people's thoughts; 6 months ago: Has a fragile perception of the world, and in turn believe it will End, 2 months ago: Hallucinations becoming more frequent, has become more nervous and paranoid. I don’t understand...maybe I need to talk to him again, that’s the only way to know what he truly meant.

♛|♙♟|♕

I walk in the next day, I think about what he said; I don't know why but it shook me, what’s the end? Why does me coming here...mean the end? There must be at it’s core a truth within those delusions, some kind of logic it to it… there must be.

Knock Knock “Morning John, mind if I come in to chat for a bit?”

He looks at me with clarity and says “You’ve come to know the truth, haven’t you?” I lost my footing and balance for a bit, perplexed I stumble over my words. “I-I…”

“You can tell too right? You can feel the end.You may not hear it but you can feel it. I know that feeling”

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing, I listen to him speak. “Your Hannah Rodriguez, you’re 26, your favorite color is gold, you broke your leg playing volleyball in the middle school, your parents were hard workers, they were poor but they loved you and did everything they could to make sure you went to college. They died two years ago.”

“How….” I whispered holding back tears..how did he know all that..

“Hannah, I’m sorry but I think it’s time for The End soon….We...were never really real to begin with...aint that right?”

♛|♙♟|♕

What makes for a great story? A great author? A great character? How do you know what is real? How do you know if what you are and what you do is all predetermined...I wonder...what will happen to me now...after this end...where do you go after this? Where do you we all go? An After life? To a new Once upon a time?I don’t know...I wonder...was it worth reading? Did you read it all the way through? Hope you did, I hope you got through it to The End. Goodbye and until next time reader, incase you choose to read it again, you might need too I bet this one was a confusing one wasn’t it?

By Breana S.

#writing #creative writing #classwork #short story #experimental fiction

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survivorkomnata · 5 years

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Episode #2: "Shea is being Sheady" - Stephen W

Hello world! I am quite lucky to be still alive after not being able to socialize adequately with my tribemates and doing the worst in the challenge. I gotta thank the other tribe for sending me to exile.

However I had to stay away from things and missed out on an opportunity to get into a solid early alliance. All the games I have played so far, I have started in comfortable position whereas in this one, I am already finding myself at the bottom and I have to work my way from here. I feel it's going to be a good challenge and I like it. I have to give my best in this challenge and prove my worth and I also really hope my tribe wins this one so that I will have some time to build some relationship and get into a better position.

As far as my tribemates are concerned, I know Ally and Stephen from EM. I have a good relationship with Ally and a pretty decent one with Stephen too. Zach and me have connected really well and he is lovely and great to talk to. These are the 3 that have shown interest in working with me so far. The rest are cool too but I need to have more conversations with them pretty soon.

With the creation of the 'alliance' alliance, I've taken my first major step towards solidifying my bonds. I'm trying to keep things good with everyone on my tribe, because a swap can take me away from all my current allies, but I'm gonna prioritize my current group. My only worry is that I know Ally/Zach are at least somewhat close with Jess because they mentioned talking to her about the Timmy vote yesterday. Jess has given me information though, so I'm starting to feel like I can trust her. I'm just not sure I'm a high priority ally for her. The other guys on the tribe are great, but there seems to be a lack of willingness to talk game. I don't mind talking real life with anyone, but there needs to be a game relationship too, and it feels like I'm the one starting all the conversations regarding game with them.

Day 4!! Yay! I survived the first tribal where Timmy was eliminated. I also got around to talking to Jess and sharing our idol searches in order to reach the idol as fast as possible. Upon his return, I talked to Karthik about everything. He was concerned about what would have happened if he stayed at camp (He probably would have left). I told him that I would have rallied for him and said other tings to win him over. Honestly him going to the basement was the best thing to happen to his game as well as my own because it kept him safe and I got to keep him in the game without rallying for him. Because of me winning him over, he told me about the basement and his basement search!! He didn't find anything though. I'm still working my social game on the tribe. I really want to pull in Liam and keep him close.

I must say that I'm enjoying my time playing my first Discord org. The platform really makes the game easy to format and such. This challenge is a flash game showdown which is neat and I fought to get 2048. I think that I'm doing great but honestly I could be flopping lol. I got 36k so far but I'm gonna keep on pushing for more!

Just a few updates...

So I've been REALLY working HARD on establishing trust with Tim. I do think he's a ride or die kind of dude. I've been trying to give him every piece of info I have in order to build that trust. HOWEVER, I may or may not have lied and said Zach followed our season closely to make Tim paranoid about Zach (although Zach could have.. who knows?).

I think Tim trusts me because we created an idol-search list? He also gave me the tea he had from Kartik about the basement. I know I have zero chance of being sent there because of TJ/Alyssa (unless they think it's a punishment) so I'm sad I don't get to look for an advantage.

So I've decided to start keeping tabs on my game in the form of notes so I don't fuck up along the way or forget important events...

So I decided to look more into Zach and I basically found out that he's basically the male version of Alyssa but BETTER. His placements in MAIN SEASONS have been 1st, 2nd, and 4th. He NEEDS TO GO SOON. I need to make this happen before merge. I'm going to put my ass into SUPER SOCIAL HOE MODE and whore myself out to these people so that when the time comes.. we could possibly take him out.

Also I'm struggling talking to Aly. The first night we seemed to have a lot in common but now.. she just barely talks. I need to fix that ASAP.

I'm talking to Liam more (found out he created a FB series I'm currently playing). I'm going to work on that relationship hard tonight and in the next couple of days (assuming I stay).

I need to rebuild trust with Daniel about the Timmy vote. I've played with Daniel in the past and he also knows how I play so that's border-line concerning. He's also close to TJ on the other tribe so I'm shaking in my boots. I'm just in a shits storm and it's only day 4.

So I guess the Agenda for the next day is: 1. Keep working on Tim. 2. Build a relationship with Liam. 3. Don't fuck up in any way possible.

Okay so we just lost the immunity challenge and Isaac (The person I wanted gone) went to the basement, Cool! Currently everyone is scared of saying a name which ofc makes sense, right now I want either Jake (Who I reaaaally believe is a threat) or Alyssa (Who tbh have not talked much with) gone, I have alliances with almost everyone not like alliances but like deals as I said b4, I'm very interested in being in an alliance with Fede, Luke, Shea and Stephen tbh but Jake also targeted (kinda) Stephen which also does not make me happy so I'll see.

We lost, which sucks. We got demolished, which sucks. Isaac got sent to the basement, which Really Sucks because now no one knows who to vote for. So its “solidify relationships” time. I’ve got Fred, Jake, Luke, and Miguel in the good books, Shea and Alyssa in the wings if I need them but tbh.... I’m willing to cut Alyssa, she’s the only one I know from skype, and a fresh start would he nice.... Idk as long as its not me right?

Well poop, apparently my name and Luke’s are being thrown about. But definitely not by anyone in particular, no no, these names where brought up by the Phantom Tribe Member -_- I’m trying to throw out a thirf name: Alyssa, just because I get the feeling I can throw her under the bus. Sorry Alyssa <3

WHY DO I DO THIS?? I always try to please everyone and I overplay too hard! Ugghhhh Ok, time to slow down, follow the easy path of voting with this pseudo alliance, even if it means someone cool is out, and not try to build up shit. This is the hand I was dealt with, and that's it, I'm gonna work with it.

Alright, so I think I just made the first move in this game without getting blood on my hands. When comparing some stuff with Alyssa, I realized that Shea was playing hella messy, and knowing that I would prefer to keep Luke and Stephen, it seemed like a necessary move to vote Shea. After Alyssa agreed that that would be a good move, we've worked on getting Luke and Stephen on board, both seemingly in with the plan. Now we would just need one more. Hopefully it didn't seem like Alyssa and I orchestrated this together and paints a "duo" target on our backs, but I'm glad that I have someone I feel like I could trust in this game (cross my fingers those words don't come back to haunt me).

So. Drama. Tea. All those lovely things. So I managed to make an alliance between me Luke Federico (Who I have been calling Fred, oops) and Jake. Then Shea tells me Jake was the one who threw my name out. But then Luke spills that Shea is being Sheady and forcing names outta people and then spreading the info to cause #Drama. Interesting. Long story short I’ve forgive Jake (for now) and we’re switching our votes to Shea. Bye bye.

It has been a crazy, crazy day to say the least, I’m chilling and baking a batch of strawberry lemonade cupcakes, thinking my tribe has this challenge in the bag. Then the big moment comes and we are swept by the other tribe 7-0, and I’m flabbergasted. As soon as ratboy is sent to basement, I knew our first tribal wasn’t going to be so simple. I mentioned how I wanted to show a different side of me in this game and I am being way more social and helpful to the tribe than I ever have been in an ORG. From organizing the tribe while games were being picked to going on camera in the first challenge. I’m feeling great and I am thinking that I’ll survive this tribal and then my name is thrown out. I get so nervous and start thinking that my time is up in the game. Many of my tribe mates that I have socialized with kept saying they thought I’d be safe and that they didn’t want me voted out. I’m still feeling nervous until StephenW asks me if I want to start a majority alliance with him, which no one had asked me before. We pick the three best possible members: Miguel, Federico and Jake. In the few hours since the alliance formed we have been in sync with every decision and even figured out the source of all the confusion within our tribe, someone we all thought we could trust was playing us and we now have a plan to vote that person out. I feel like I am in a solid position in my tribe and as long as there’s isn’t a repeat of my alliance tribe’s incident from EMBB8 I think I can make it far in this game and maybe even win.

Yay we slayed the Kato's in the challenge and gave them what they deserved for sending me to the basement. I have made some good progress with regard to my position in the tribe. Stephen initiated the talk of forming an alliance and we ended up making an alliance of Stephen, Ally, Zach and myself. This is perfect for me and was exactly what I wanted.

I have also been working with these 3 ppl individually for the idol hunt so far and made steady progress. I have never done well with an idol so I would absolutely not mind any of these 3 getting it. At least I would be able to have the info of who is having the idol which would provide some clarity. Only problem is none of these 3 seem to be keen on letting the other 2 in on the idol hunt. It appears as if these 3 are just working with me alone for the idol. Maybe Ally is working with Jess too on this. But the thing is it makes me think that they feel closest to me out of everyone. I could be entirely wrong but if thats true, it makes me worry that they might be pissed of at me when they guess that I have been sharing the idol hunt with others and force them to lose trust in me. I hope I can somehow manage this with caution and come out of it clean. I definitely dont want to be seen as a snake so early in the game. Speaking of snakes, I dont get why whichever game I play, talks about Elmo pops up. Stop giving him attention, he doesnt deserve it!

Other than that, Tim has shown interest in working with me and he said he would rallied for me even if I hadnt been sent to the basement. I do believe and trust him. He is chill and does seem like a good person to work with so I am feeling a lot more comfortable now than I was 24 hrs ago :)

we won immunity, and i won two (2) comps. FUCK multitask though, and even pomme pomme. both are fun at times but i was so stressed out. the one day that i'm actually doing something (i.e getting glasses fixed, dentist, being out all day), i volunteer for two flashgames opposed to just one. it don't matter tho considering we clean sweeped them and i'm soooo happy!!

so right now i talk to everyone, obvious at different amounts. stephen/ally (who are super close) approached both me and karthik separately asking for an alliance. now, i'm fine with them, and i talk to them a lot - they're great and fun. i'm just worried cuz those three are a lot closer together than they are to me, i think, because they're pregame friends (not saying they're premade or whatever, but they know each other from before). stephen mentioned (once again, jack/matt DONT READ) that we're kinda team meta because we're all from EM. well, he ain't fully wrong but ASKGLADSGKDh.

karthik is my fav tho. he gives me idol guesses and is such a king. i love him so so so so much.

it'd be hard to rank who i trust the most to least. i genuinely enjoy everyone's presence. i think daniel would be someone who's on the 'outside' and would be good to pull in, but i very much see him being the next boot if we lose. not necessarily because i'd want that, but just because he seems like an outlier given his vote against liam + not being as socially active as others. liam's from FB but i like him a lot. jess is soooo funny but is super close to alyssa. however, she's a loyal queen and i adore her sm. tim has been less... charismatic but he's so fun overall and i really enjoy him. ideally, i guess daniel leaves if we go to tribal again (given there's no swap), which would suck, and then i just hope we swap or something.

i'm also very scared of a swap. i think i'm one of the top three physical threats (on top of my Kuang Si record, which was asked by jess and is known by potentially a few, including ally). i'm just worried i'll be taken out late premerge as a physical/social threat but it's kind of hard to tone it down. i enjoy talking to people, not even just for game but that's my personality, and then i always am good at competitions. it's soooo nervous and i think i'm playing too hard too soon (not strategic or aggressive, just being a more power player ig. that's not being cocky i'm just worried, i hope its paranoia lol).

anyway, i'm final 16, living life. i called woman wonder marvel to karthik (it's DC but wbk i'm a dumbass).

With the way things have been going with my health this week, I am so glad we're not going to tribal. I dunno, it's just been hard to get my head in the game but I'll keep venturing on!

Ok so we won the challenge in a landslide LMAO. I think I proved to my tribe that I actually can be good at challenges, despite having a relatively low score last round. However, I am a bit afraid at this point that I isolated myself from everyone when I voted Liam, but hey at least I'm not a afraid to go for what I want against majority : ) I think to keep myself safe I'm going to have to continue performing well in immunity challenges, and hope we win the majority of them. I'm going to continue trying to build bonds with people like Zach, Stephen, and Karthik, but we'll have to see when the time comes!

youtube

WHEW! This has been a round and a half folks. Some crazy shit happened. So okay opening the results? Crushing. I tried hella hard and so did everyone else on our tribe and we seemed to have been beaten in all these games by a slim margin so that was ASS. The other team took our “abstaining” player away but that’s fine tbh cuz I know Anna Jane wouldn’t give that to just anyone and I’m sure he had a good excuse. I’m kind of glad Isaac got sent to the basement because I always like to stand up for people who have good reasons why they didn’t do well in a challenge? ANYWAY. SO. Shea is talking to me and I’m talking to legit only her and TJ trying to figure out what the best move is. Shea is P U L L I N G for a name from me and I said I guess Luke because I haven’t talked to him (although tbh I haven’t been AS on top of my social game here as I usually am). So SHEA is freaking saying I’m a target because I’m coming for Luke???? Which is FUNNY cuz I literally only said his name to TJ and Shea????? Anyway I talk to Luke and I’m like yo imma be tea with you I got duped, I’m not coming after you at all. Fishy shit. Turns out Shea did the same thing to Fed, Luke, and Stephen. WHAT. So I’m out here strategizing with TJ (I LOVE F2ING WITH A SMART STRATEGIC PLAYER. I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED. I FEEL SO OPEN WITH HIM IN DOING SHIT LIKE????? I trust him 100% I’m ngl. I’m living for the dynamic rn. I usually f2 with people and hide EVERYTHING but I legit feel like I don’t have to with TJ? I don’t KNOW. I’m HYPE). So yeah TJ and I R A N this vote but I don’t think anyone knows it and that we’re working together? I don’t know man I’m fucking EXCITED for this.

ok so i'm currently in an alliance w karth stephen zach, those are also my 3 closest allies at the moment, + i rlly like jess. karth is atm my Ride Or Die i trust him the Most, w stephen in 2nd and zach in 3rd.

i'm sharin idol hunt stuff with both karth + stephen atm, separately.

here's some of my Thots over the last couple days:

AllyYesterday at 13:38 ok so stephen wants an alliance and wants to include karth so now i’m like hmm m i have to make sure that stephen doesn’t figure out that i fed my idol search to him and also i told stephen what happened in the basement so i need to make sure karth doesn’t know i told stephen that sis if they’re closer than i am to both of them i am in so much trouble

AllyYesterday at 22:21 karth thinks i’m doing these long ass streaks cuz i’m combining me and stephens in our doc me: haha i’m so lucky x i WILL get this idol i’m DETERMINED blakkskskksksks tangling myself in lies and it’s only round 2 i rlly hope those two don’t talk too much but based on some interactions i had with both of them i don’t think they do otherwise stephen is gonna come for my wig he doesn’t like lies

So we literally destroyed the other tribe in the challenge lol. I have had time to reflect upon the last tribal and the last round collectively. Timmy's final words were "Play the game for yourself and not for the majority" bro..... its is literally the first ever tribal council on the very first round of the game... like....... cmon. Its funny that Daniel was doing exactly that. Playing individually within a tribal focused game. Merge isnt until wayyy later so maybe try and fit in??Idk thats just my take. It showed that Daniel is gonna do what he wants to do regardless of the situation. On the flip side it shows that Daniel is loyal to a fault with people. Had we lost the last challenge I would have pushed for Daniel and if the next time we lose.... if we lose... I'm gonna try and get folks to vote for Daniel.

Things have gotten super quiet. It’s mildly concerning. I don’t think I’m going home but with how confusing this tribal has been you can never tell. Pretty much every name in the book has been thrown out. Fed is really trying to create a Luke vs Alyssa narrative which would be great if that worked but it really isn’t. They aren’t gunning for each other like he wants and that does suck as I’d be fine voting Luke. In other news, Jake is having a mild mental break. If you’re already freaking out now just go home because god the stress of ORGs gets SO MUCH WORSE. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but whatever happens I know in my heart had Isaac been here he’d be gone. Sucks to suck, maybe we shouldn’t have done that to them last tribal.

I definitely think I could be leaving tonight. It's allegedly between Stephen and Luke but I just don't think that's true.

My god. Im glad I already cast my vote for Shea. Makes all this nonsense drama a bit easier for me.

Shea is voted out 7-1.

#episode #escapenow

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