I don't know why, but I'm suddenly reminiscing about how, when I was a kid, I used to play Star Wars in my backyard by myself. I would pretend to be Han Solo and would dramatically rescue the imaginary Luke and Leia from danger, and then gently cuddle/soothe both of them. There was a lot of imaginary dramatic bleeding and cool scars.
What I'm saying is, figuring out I was bisexual in my 20s really should not have been as hard as it was.
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When the last show you've watched calls you out on your bisexuality 👀
Yes, The White Lotus S2, that means you. I wasn't ready for Ethan and Harper (Will Sharpe and Aubrey Plaza). Those of you who have watched the series know what I'm talking about 😳
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look, i might delete this later but. i was just crying really hard while reading loveless (and i'm still crying haha), and honestly, same as with heartstopper, a part of me is just wretched that this sort of book, this sort of series exists now.
because it didn't then. it didn't when i needed it.
(i'm not saying this to shit on the fact that these types of stories exist now btw. i'm just. processing my feelings about that fact that they didn't when i was young.)
like. there was nothing. there was the vague awareness that gay men and lesbian women existed. bisexuality wasn't a thing. the asexual and aromantic spectrum? unheard of.
i might have fucking realized way earlier that i liked girls (and that that wasn't a bad thing) if i'd ever so much heard of the concept of bisexuality as a teen.
and then later, when my best friend found out she was bisexual and that for her happened to coincide with lots of making out and having sex with both girls and boys (we didnt' know anyone who was non-binary, nor did we know more than 2 genders existed at all), it just. it was kind of clear to me that well then that couldn't be me either?
sure, i'd fallen in love with a girl by that age (and oh my how badly that ended, but that's a whole other story), but since nothing ever happened between us by any allosexual standards i still didn't... clock it as something i could possibly derive a sense of identity from.
i always felt like i was in this kind of... limbo. crushing on boys but not actually wanting to kiss them (--yet, as i later on in my demisexual journey found out), crushing on girls and having the imminent sense of shame and wrongness about it.
i just. my life would have been so different if i'd seen these kinds of stories being told. but maybe being queer for every generation at least to some degree means living through your own coming of age again and again in so many different stories until you've let yourself feel all of the feelings you were never allowed to feel.
maybe being queer is about patching it all up, and filling the patches and cracks with gold threads, you know like that ancient golden vase where its cracks were stuck together again with gold?
i dont' fully know what i'm saying at this point, and i've also got some things that need doing, so this is where this post ends haha <3 (end post with a bang? nah, more like end it with some unnecessary blabbering :) )
(edit: i'm not gonna delete it, and i'm glad it resonates with people.)
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You know you’re in to girls when you don’t bat an eyelid at any of these boys on Love Island, but Maya Jama on the other hand…I have no words 🔥
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some people are so cool and pretty (inside and out), and then there are people who look cool and pretty, but are actually horrible on the inside.
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“There’s no heterosexual explanation for that”
That: me
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