#ive never even seen a character before this that specifically has CPTSD

[baldurs-gate-official]

Thinking about Astarion and trauma again (shocking)

He really is the first character I've seen that depicts PTSD/C-PTSD the way he does. He's angry. He's collecting the pieces of himself he had to chip away over the years and figuring out how to fit them back together again, and it's hard.

I rarely see good PTSD rep in media (and C-PTSD is even less depicted/understood). And when I do, it's always the soft pitiable side of it. The side of it that's more palatable and easy to accept. But the reality is that the trauma that stems from such abuse can be vicious, and messy. It can lash out and push people away. Bring out the worst in you, at times. It can be so, so angry.

I love that we see that in Astarion. Both because it's good representation, and because I'm a survivor too. I'm angry. I'm upset. I want to kick and scream about it, but I can't. I feel like I must always remain in control, or that displaying those feelings will only hurt those around me and push them away. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt others or be alone.

Seeing Astarion do those things, being angry and messy over it all... It makes me so happy. He says things to Cazador I wish I could say to my own abusers, with no regard to how others perceive it. He doesn't hold back. And I get to see a character with a very similar kind of trauma do/say the things I only dream about, and not be abandoned for it. He's given the chance to heal and grow as a person, and feel loved. He gets to have a happy ending.

And he gets to be mad. And that's ok.

#bg3 #astarion #text post #cw trauma #cw ptsd #ive never seen a character before with such a similarish past to mine #i feel so seen and understood #i hate that ive had to be silent about it #i hate it so much #it means SO much to see a character with such good CPTSD rep #and see so many people love his character #i recently escaped my own abusers so this sort of thing makes me very emotional #the way he talks about torture too and doesnt try to sugar coat it #i was tortured too. my bones were broken repeatedly for someone elses amusement and it was fucking horrible #years of that #and starvation #among other things #and ive never seen a character before thats been through something similar #ive never even seen a character before this that specifically has CPTSD #ive seen characters who *should* have been written with CPTSD but its as if the writers just googled PTSD and went with that #(C-PTSD comes from continued exposure to trauma over the course of months or years where PTSD is often from a singular event) #(the symptoms differ a bit. and Astarion is a very good example of C-PTSD) #it just makes me really happy. and it makes me feel like people might understand and not blame me for what happened #well. some people do anyway. but. this kind of representation helps a lot with helping people understand #seriously though ive had people act like theyd have fared better in my situation. or blamed me for what happened #how fucked is that???? i want to chew glass whenever it happens #its always people whove never had any experience with abuse too #but they have the audacity to tell me theyre built different or something #q

[spoonass69]

big rant type post/ story thingy:

TW/CW:

abuse mentions, r*pe mentions, kinda just talking about my experience with being a baby activist and learning how authority figures and my white peers act in these kinds of situations

anyways a year after i entered public school in about 6th grade, one of the teachers decided to have her whole class sit in silence, without moving, on the grass for a whole recess because a few kids were too loud in the hallways on their way to recess. so naturally my friends and i talked about how unfair it was and we organized a peaceful protest consisting of me and about 4 other kids. we planned on having signs and informational pamphlets and sitting on the grass.

that day i went home and had my mom help me research how recess was not only beneficial, but necessary for kids. then i wrote up a paper on why collective punishment was unfair and how taking away recess was actually just hurting students and i even gave alternative solutions so they could still like punish kids who were loud in the hallways or something

the next day, i walked into school with my big rainbow cardboard sign saying “recess is a right not a privilege” when i got to breakfast, i saw none of my friends had signs or anything. they told me they didnt think i was serious, despite agreeing the previous day to be a part of this. that was fine though, i can handle this all on my own since i have all the things i need.

i walked up to class once the bell rang, and i put my stuff in my locker for the day. i realized by sign wasnt going to fit, so i put it in the windowsill in the hallway directly outside my classroom to wait until recess, and i went to go sit at my desk and start my bellwork.

about a minute later, my teacher came in and asked me to step out into the hallway with her, ehich was weird since class hadn’t even started yet so why wouldnt she just tell me what she needed to in the classroom.

i stepped out into the hallway and she went into this whole thing about how i had put my sign facing outwards in the window, which also happened to be right next to where some oarents dropped off their kids. she was mad because “other parents are gonna think were not letting you have recess!!” (which was what was happening, pretty regularly actually, this past incident was just the last straw). she continued to yell at me, i dont even really remember all that she said both because it happened so long ago and because at the time i was being abused at home and tended to panic very very hard whenever anyone showed that they were upset with me at all, which lead to me kinda auto deleting the memories. whatever she was saying, her tone was scary and hurtful enough to make me absolutely bawl, in front of the entire 6th grade class that was still entering the classrooms around me. even after i, through a stream of tears and snot, very timidly said i just wanted to stand up for my classmates, she continued to yell at me for a good 5 minutes.

the other 6th grade teacher stood by and watched, let all the other kids watch. i was not a rebellious kid, i did everything in my power to only seem happy and not show vulnerability, i had to do that to survive. i wasnt a troublemaker or anything like that, the teacher actually really liked me before this, i was quiet and always did my work and followed the rules. this was my first offense. it wasnt even an offense, i was simply asking my teachers not to treat my friends and classmates unfairly. and i got screamed at to the point of panic and sobbing, to going completely out of character. and my peers would not say anything. my peers would not stand with me. they would not admit that i was not the sole person that wanted to do this, and of course i wouldnt rat them out. but worst of all, the other adult there, that was supposed to protect me, stood there and watched. silently. knowing the abuse that was going on at home. they both knew. they both knew i only had good intentions. they both knew i would never start anything too rowdy on purpose. neither of them even tried talking to me calmly or asking what was going on. they wouldnt even read the pamphlets i made.

there are some key elements here i want to highlight.

my peers abandoned me, and let me try and make things better for them after agreeing to have my back (i almost never missed recess because i had to follow rules perfectly to survive). they then let me take all the blame and the punishment

the adults who were supposed to care about me and protect me responded with aggression and hostility when i wanted to peacefully ask them to stop harming my friends

the adults who were supposed to care about me and protect me stood by and watched as one of their coworkers screamed at a sobbing child who was already dealing with abuse at home

this was the first situation, that has fit into countless amounts of patterns as ive learned more about oppression and activism.

at worst, the people in power will only respond to peaceful pleas for respect with violence. at best they will sot by and watch as others perpetrate that violence for them.

there are a lot of people, specifically other white people in my experience, who will ask you for support, loyalty, help or anything when dealing with things such as homophobia from peers or just general bullying but then when you are in a situation where you need them to put themselves at risk to help you and support you in a meaningful way, they completely turn on you.

this last one i feel like can get misinterpreted so im gonna give this example

a friend wanted me to support them and have their back when one of our mutual friends was bullying them, i said of course and made sure my friend did not feel any guilt after cutting the mutual friend out of their life and i also cut them out of mine. when pointed out to that same friend how one of their friends was being disrespectful towards me after i called them out for being supportive of police during the blm protests, and i told them i wasn’t comfortable being friends with someone who was friends with people who disrespected me they told me i was trying to control who they were friends with and i was being unreasonable, and then promptly went and made fun of me

i give my friends support and try to work with them to make pur environment safer and happier for everyone, but when we’re put in a tough spot, i get thrown under the bus because im usually the only one who wholeheartedly wants to do something, who wants to put the effort into caring for my friends and keeping them safe

ive seen this specifically happening all over my area, i dont know if this goes for other places in the US, but it feels like i am pretty relatively alone, im seeing everyone from my old school or from nearby schools calling themselves activists, saying the support these movements, saying they agree with all these ideas, but only follow through if its not only convenient, but if it will make them look good to a significant amount of people and if the action is basically spoon fed to them.

im not sure if i really have a message or a point to this but i felt like this information does have some kind of message in it somewhere that i just can quite articulate yet.

i guess just generally, if youre seeing these things happen too and youre also feeling alone and frustrated, dont give in to people who wont put their social standing at risk to stand up for you, if youre noticing these patterns and sticking up for your friends or peers in general despite the risks then you deserve people who will put in the same effort to care about you.

also i know some people cant put in the effort, i did have a lot of people reach out to me when i was very publicly calling people in my area out for standing by while their peers were racist/antisemetic. they told me that some people cant stand up for others due to anxiety or idk the risk of losing all their friends would be bad for their mental health. but yk i have a severe anxiety disorder and cptsd, and i did lose all 15 of my friends and my boyfriend in one day in freshman year of highschool after i told them i couldnt hang out with them if they were gonna hang out with trumpies. then for a week they all messaged me separately telling me i was a crazy bitch. then for 6 months told everyone new i tried to make friends with or date that i was a crazy bitch (but far more convincingly) even though i blocked them all, didnt mention them, did my best not to think about them, and even changed my routes to all my classes so i couldnt pass any of them in the hallways. but even after the trauma that caused me, it was the only right and reasonable thing to do. no matter how badly i was doing, it would not compare to the damage me being friends with them and enabling their behavior could do to someone in the future, because enabling those people is how we end up with men who rape and murder women. and even if all that wasnt the most important aspect of this, staying friends with those people would have messed me up astronomically worse than cutting them off did.

(just to make it super clear tho, im not expecting people of the marginalized communities to put their safety at risk to stand up to their own opressors, i am expecting mostly white kids to put their idk social status and comfort asside and stand up to your friends or other people in general when theyre harming others)

#tw abuse #tw rape #edited to make the tw stand out more just incase