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#ive been down bad for a while now
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EXO as Mafia
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because the brain rot was so bad and the content so dry that I had to do it myself so...
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Suho: The Kingpin Name: Kim Junmyeon
The Kim family has always had dealings in the criminal underground. When Junmyeon was passed over to inherit the Kim business in favor of his older brother, he decided to start his own crime syndicate, which overthrew his families overnight. Now, the sole survivor of his family’s unfortunate “accident”, there’s nothing getting in his way, and he’ll make sure it stays that way – no matter the cost. EXO – his valued inner circle who helped him to achieve this goal – are his new family, and as long as they are loyal, he will do anything for them. While being “the boss”, those in his inner circle were more his equals than anything else; very rarely did he have to pull rank, and he preferred it that way. It almost ensured their loyalty to him and kept things running much more smoothly than his more “traditional” upbringing.
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Xiumin: The Underboss/Treasurer Name: Kim Minseok
Xiumin had been around for Suho longer than anyone else – longer than either could really bother to recount. Their bond was one thicker than blood, and there was no doubts between them when it came to trust. It’s for that reason he was named as the right-hand man, and he wasn’t one to take advantage of a position like that. As they grew in renown and wealth, he took up the position of managing the funds for the mafia as well – meaning if you pissed him off, he'd make sure you were cut off until you learned your lesson. He has learned to get along with the other inner-circle members but isn’t as touchy feely or “found-family” as Suho is. As long as they get the job done, and don’t cause him any headaches, he’s good.
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Lay: The Ambassador Name: Zhang Yixing
Yixing was possibly the most valuable addition to the criminal organization. Being fluent in Chinese, Korean, and English, Lay slid into the position of being an Ambassador for the group – spreading out their allies, and their wealth. Lay single handedly ran the Chinese operations for the group – anything Suho wanted, he got done, and he got it done efficiently. It was a kind of security that other gangs (save for some…) didn’t have, and it increased their influence on a scale that was unheard of. Lay finds the almost symbiotic relationship between the inner circle as being incredibly soothing. He spends most of his time in Korea, only traveling to China if he has to. He prefers the company of his group, to the loneliness of his penthouse in Beijing.
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Baekhyun: The Assassin/Hitman Name: Byun Baekhyun
Baekhyun is an odd guy. In this line of work, most hitmen, or assassins carry themselves in a certain manner – silent, or big & tough, or preferring to go unnoticed… Baekhyun seemed to have missed whatever the memo was on that. His carefree, flippant, and often mischievous attitude really caught Suho’s eyes when he was first introduced to the young man who had been quickly making a name for himself in the underground; using his own name at that – something very rare, and almost naïve for an assassin. But it just impressed Suho even more, because it proved his skills. He was welcomed into EXO, and quickly into the inner circle, and he’s been the resident prankster of the group ever since. 
Don’t let the puppy eyes fool you – this man has seen more bloodshed than most of the population and caused the majority of it. His innocent act just helps him to better blend in with the crowd. The other’s won’t admit it, but the thought of being on his bad side has definitely cost them some sleep in the past.
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Chen: The Frontman/Informant Name: Kim Jongdae
Kim Jongdae is a businessman – end of discussion. He knows all the tricks of the trade – how to best charm people, wrap them around his finger, and extort them for all they are. His silver tongue is a talent that Suho refused to pass up when he was assembling his team and met the young man. Because of his easily approachable nature, sharp wit, and impeccable communication skills, Chen was perfect for being the groups Frontman. Anyone that wants anything from EXO – weapons, assassinations, drugs, loans, a business proposal – no matter what, the first person you’re going to see is Chen. If he thinks your proposal is good, then he’ll pass your name on. Being the Frontman, seeing as many people as he did, he also falls into the role of informant. Nothing gets by him, and he’s stopped a lot of trouble for the gang before it can happen. Chen, being a typical businessman, keeps his home and work life separate. He fulfills his duties for the group during business hours and won’t be bothered when he is at home with his wife and kids. This arrangement is concrete, and Suho respects it, making everything work smoothly like a well-tuned clock.
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Chanyeol: The Dealer/Weapons Expert Name: Park Chanyeol
Park Chanyeol was actually a recruit that Chen managed to sniff out. This boy was making a good name for himself as being able to get anything you needed, no questions asked. So, Suho took it upon himself to test this out, putting out a line for some rather rare, foreign weapons, and a very tight deadline. When Chanyeol delivered, he offered (insisted) the man work for him, and he’d make it worth his while. Seeing this as an opportunity to get some of the stress of working alone off his back, and increase his outreach, Chanyeol took the offer, and the rest is history.
Much like Baekhyun, Chanyeol is a laidback person, until he’s on a job. Dealing with Park Chanyeol is one of the most tense interactions you’ll have in your whole life. It’s not even that he loses the joking personality – sure, sometimes he does, but, more than anything, it’s the rage that breaks over him in waves; promising unimaginable consequences if you cross him. Chanyeol can be ruthless, especially if he knows the person he’s dealing with has a chance of causing problems for him. Best to avoid doing deals with him – because he’ll collect what he thinks he’s due, no matter the circumstances.
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D.O.: The Interrogator Name: Doh Kyungsoo
Kyungsoo is the ideal kind of man you would want for this line of work. He’s silent, straight to the point, unmerciful, and would get a job done without getting side-tracked. His promising results in squeezing information out of his victims, by whatever means, was what made Suho decide to hire him once the Kim family went under – which is where D.O. had learned to perfect his craft. Junmyeon knew that his father had a habit of undervaluing D.O.’s importance to the operations, and so, when he decided to form EXO, he approached the younger man (who was then a few years younger than him and still in his teens) with his proposal to join right away. And Suho would never forget his answer: “I deal in results. Show me yours first, and then come talk to me.” When Suho successfully proved himself capable of overthrowing the Kim syndicate, D.O. joined without question, and had been a trusted member of the inner circle since.
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Kai: The Driver/Bodyguard Name: Kim Jongin
Kai was a classic case of working his way through the ranks, eventually coming to land in the inner circle after many missions as a lower-tiered gang member. He actually was suggested to Junmyeon by Yixing, when a deal had gone south, leading to a police chase in which Kai had managed to impress the ambassador with his insanely precise evasion skills, losing the police all without getting a scratch on the car. It had been horrifying for Lay – sitting in the passenger seat while this young bodyguard drove up onto sidewalks, whipped them into reverse going 90 miles an hour, and even driving under a semi, but it was also impressive as shit. Now, Kai was the designated driver for all their big jobs and acted as extra muscle when they knew that there was a chance a deal could go sour. Kai is one of the youngest members in the circle, so some of the older one’s had some trouble at the beginning but have now warmed up to him. Each of them trust him with their life, and while they don’t really need a bodyguard (being part of an inner circle in the most feared mafia group in the world), having him by their side definitely makes them more at ease during dodgy jobs. 
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Sehun: The Hacker Name: Oh Sehun
The final of the 9, and the youngest. Oh Sehun made his name when he was very, very young as being a technical genius. Anything to do with a computer, he could figure out. He even hacked into a military system when he was in middle school and was put into several government sponsored summer-camps to help grow his intellect – an oversight on the governments part. He is the only member of the 9 to actually seek EXO out first, and in a big way – by contacting Suho directly, with a proposition. The police were starting to close in on him – his youth having blocked his judgement a little and making him less careful than he should have been. He offered the mob boss, who at the time had been just starting to get his forces together, his technical expertise in exchange for safety in the ranks. Suho probably would have had him eliminated as a threat, however, with his proposition came a file, containing all the broken-down backroom movements of his family, which he had not had access to having not been the heir to the empire. Using this, he could break down the pillars of his families alliances, so, once he checked the authenticity of the information, Sehun’s offer was quickly accepted. Working with EXO, there isn’t anyone, or anything, that can be hidden from Oh Sehun with enough time. Security cameras, bank accounts, personal documents – if Suho wants it, Sehun can get it. This makes him indispensable to the group and gives him the security to play as he likes in his free time.
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viciousewe · 1 month
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finished my first colorwork sweater!!!!
( @trashpandacraft was right it probably could do with one more blocking sesh but tbh it's Good Enough and I was excited to wear it and also my blocking set up is in the most inconvenient place possible so.)
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artical3237 · 4 months
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ummmm not me ghosting this site... have new art ig? sorry pjsk made me a gacha addict-
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mid-nightowl · 6 months
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…can i ask you to share more of your thoughts on fem!jaytim vibes
hi cory!!!! yes, yes i can :) <3
most of my thoughts come from this lil snippet and my tags.
my thoughts on fem!jaytim can be boiled down to this line: “Her successor fascinates her. She kind of wants to let him dissect her, little freak that he is.” 
like tim is a freak who would absolutely want to dissect and take jaye apart piece by piece just to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is wrong with her (obsessive) and jaye would let him bc she wants to know what the hell is wrong with him (affectionate). 
It’s almost a scientist and their never-ending experiment, but not quite?
like the dissection, its the act, the intimacy, the trust in being vulnerable and completely open on the table for them to see, a show and a sight but not a performance, it's the ‘i’m going to take you apart piece by piece, not to fix you or change you, but just to understand you’, and 'i’m going to get my hands dirty and dig into you, and it can be voluntarily or not, it can be with anesthesia or nothing but im going to know you whether you like it or not,' paired with 'you are going to have to cut me open to get to know me, it has to be cold and violent, it has to be artful and methodological.'
but jaye started off with ‘i want to destroy you, take you to the brink, the edge of despair and fury and hatred and let you go without any catharsis,’ kind of like capturing a wild animal, testing on it, and then releasing it back into the wild with a tag to see what it will do after being changed (will it return back to it’s normal routine or will it come back for more?)
and then tim kept coming back. and that's when jaye is like alright yeah, i'll let you rip me open and give me a name (or maybe give me back my name?) and tim does, and he does it carefully, adoringly, obsessively.
and i think tim’s obsessive focus, paired with the idea of the knife/scalpel = love, is what jaye would respond to best. she was raised in violence, and probably thinks that fighting and pain is caring and love, AND she’s never been a priority in anyone’s life. so for tim to obsess and know her in ways that no one else has before (or have even bothered) is captivating, exciting, and absolutely mind-boggling, and i think jaye would get possessive, like ‘this robin, this little freak is mine.'
i, hmmm. running out of coherent thoughts after this, so um i guess enjoy? <3
#asks#felinemotif#i don't write/talk about jaytim very much; ive always been a jaydick girlie#but this was a lot of fun to think about and like actually get down my thoughts in a somewhat coherent manner#i think there's another piece here about the dissection as an intimacy that only requires the subject and the surgeon/scientist#and the idea of labelling and taking photos of the parts something about learning and teaching but also remembering#another part: once the dissection is done once tim knows all of jaye does he stay?#which i think devolves into jaye going out of her way to prolong the dissection bc she thinks it may be temporary between her & tim#whereas tim is thinking okay i know all the pieces and parts which means im the perfect partner for jaye#no one knows her better than me AND no one will get to know her like i do#(the whole dissection thing too like tim is not afraid about hurting jaye whereas bruce is bc he knew her before)#(bruce thinks “dissection” would = change bad or good while tim knows it just means learning and knowing)#like it's going to be painful before it gets better and bruce doesn't want to go through the pain of knowing this version of jaye#bc it means acknowledging what he's done or not done#and tim's a fixer at heart but to fix things you gotta know what you're dealing with#problem is tim fell in love and realized fixing things would just make it worst so#he is very content with his tall gf that could kill him with her thighs and lets him do his freaky experiments<3#okay wow i was not done with the thoughts ajfkagjbsg imma stop now#jaytim#fem!jaytim
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nonuggetshere · 3 months
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Why do i suddenly imagen that flower can sort of tune out their dad..every other Siblings is like "dad! stfu!!"
ODBDJD Honestly it'd make sense, after they made up Flower was very active in the political part of being a princess and eventually accepted the role of an heir, they probably would travel with their parents for any political meetings and such outside Hallownest and eventually learned to tune that engine of a man out
Their siblings have. Less of a built tolerance for his snoring
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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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bangcakes · 4 months
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#personal#was gonna message today but then i DIDNT. IDK. IT DIDNT FEEL RIGHT. AND I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.#I KNEE THE TOPIC BUT LIKE. WORDING ?????? WORDS???? IT WOULDNT COME#its okay tho. its okay. i literally have a fuckin note on my phone where i put shid i can talk to him about in the future NDNNDNDJXJDJDJDMD#GOD LMAO. IVE NEVER PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT IN. IM SO......#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its mostly been me messaging first but like he keeps it going....... GOD LMAO#it was like that in person too tho. like we would just stand/walk n not say anything JDJDJFJKFKFJXMXMX GOD#i wasnt made for this oml. i dont even talk to ppl that much. like idk. iDK.#i just... 1. i dont want him to forget about me 2. i dont want him to think i forgot about him#3. i dont want him to think im not interested in talking to him anymore#ok 2 and 3 are basically the same but JDJDJDJDJDJDJDJD#IM SO BAD AT KEEPING IN TOUCH. LIKE THIS IS SUCH A CONSCIOUS EFFORT ON MY PART. LIKE. I HOPE HE REALIZES????#also like. id love if hed message me first. hes done it before. but there was more to talk about while the sem was still going. now its#like... ok we can talk about exams n grades but now its christmas so like ??????#and like. GOD. is it like... is it TOO MUCH??? to say merry xmas to him?????? or would it be normal?????#im just ???????#GOD. i want him to know i like him but i also uh.... DONT??????? IDK IDK#i also kinda wanna see if we can even be friends outside school. but like HHHHHHHHHH i cant take it. I WANNA SEE HIM XJFIRKRIRFDIODDKHDJZJZ#hhhhhh god pls dont let me be the only one feeling this way istg#im just !!!!!@@@ i never expected this to happen to me ok. but if its Reciprocated. like TRULY. i think i'll actually like. break down#crying JDJDJDJKDKDKDKDKDKX#like Happy tears. like.... Disbelieving tears. hhhhhhhh#but..... n e way. i got this far. and when ppl dont like you they avoid you or come up with excuses. but rather hes moving like Toward me.#like i couldnt have gotten this far without him like.... Participatjng#god its all so new and weird. i just#if youve never felt this way. you probably will one day and wont know what the fuck to do. its all just too weird#literally went from like screamin about sj to like. a guy in my class JDJZKDKKZZMZMZ its fjne. its ok#know hes Cute tho.#thats another thing. i never imagined i could like have someone so Cute.... god. i'll die if he likes me back. hes so so Cute. not my usual#type. like. physically i mean. personality wise hes typical of me NFNFJFJFMFDMDM n e way. hit the tag limit 😳
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carcarrot · 7 months
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i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.
#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation#saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me.#im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am#my friend? asleep.#now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST#like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen#because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message#saying that im going out for croissants and coffee#because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july#ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea)#i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!!#so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed)#im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning#hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed)#i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey#google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right.#so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place#as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction#i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame#and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out#somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo#he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did#and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way.#i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better#i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat#and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him#so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel#and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us#AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts!#and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story
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hella1975 · 1 year
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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perenlop · 22 days
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i know ive been saying that my next longterm show project will probably be digimon but……… ngl i have been eying the kirby anime
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munch-mumbles · 9 months
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biting my desk really hard just checked the csp page and EX IS ONLY LIKE $2.50 PER MONTH? GRINS?
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artemisbarnowl · 6 months
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Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.
#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to#what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again?#because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It#omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable#i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases#i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!!#i still think about that dream where i made him pasta#would i take him back? depends on what he said#as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and#2. is going to ask for it#because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future#never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?'#is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary)#or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer#when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH#not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth#and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead'#and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on#try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back#so as you can see -totally normal one
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weenhands · 5 months
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#vent#i havent really been able to sob in awhile and i think tonight was just another breaking point#im so emotionally numb and devoid of emotions so i end up really sobbing every few weeks#when normally i would be crying almost everyday if i could properly respond to the hell i feel like im experiencing all the time#idk. i sort of spiralled and i ended up thinking about what it would be like to just cry in my moms embrace#and maybe not even actually say word for word how i feel#im trying to just cry quietly so my parents dont hear but in my head my mom knows why and she understands and shes holding me and telling me#its going to be okay.....i dont trust her with anything but i just wish i had her reassurance specifically.#ive been off these past few years to them because of how bad my anxiety and depression have been#and i think i find comfort in giving my parents that closure of whats really going on....while also having them hold and protect me#like they used too#i switch my stuffed animals to hold depending on my current situation and mom gave me this stuffed animal to hold when i just Want her#she gave it to me randomly and i havent felt so bad where i had to reach for him in probably years#so im just holding him now. i dont wanna put my other one that i was holding before in the box of my other stuffies#cause im not used to seeing him there yet idk hes used to the bed#im probably gonna delete this soon cause just writing all of this down sorta calmed me down#im just really sick of my head and i feel like im thinking really bad thoughts again
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sea-buns · 5 months
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I've awoken to the INSIDE of my laptop wet and the vents waterlogged. You'd think I'd be less angry considering it was my grandmother and it was an honest accident that happened while she was trying to be very considerate but hohohooo I am PISSED.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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Me: just trying to work on projects for work so can actually say I've done something at the team meeting tomorrow
My brain: sleepy.... Nap time? Time to get cozy. It's beddy time! Look at your warm, soft pets sleeping next to you. Don't you wish that were you rn?
My body: Your eyelids are getting heaaavvvvy and your brain is foggier than a haunted house attraction. You should listen to it. Close your eyes, just for a second. Just rest.
Brain: How about a nice, short catnap to boost your energy. Only been up for 2hrs you say? That's ok! time is relative and you deserve a nap at any time. You'll feel more rested and energetic if you just take 20 minutes and have a nice little doze, promise...
Body: your movements are slow and clumsy and you'd feel so much better if you just lay down and close your eyes. Just for a minute.
Brain: if you don't take a nap in the next 10 minutes I'm gonna start screaming at you via migraine and force you to take one.
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